Now that VH1 Classic is pillaging the 1990s’ video archives, it only makes sense that the next reality-romance trainwreck on its sister network will feature a rock star from that decade. We came across the following casting call today:
VH1 and the producers of THE SURREAL LIFE and MY FAIR BRADY bring you the hottest relationship show ever… ”ROCK OF LOVE”.
CASTING: Twenty bachelorettes to live in a mansion in the Hollywood Hills and compete for the love of one of the 90′s HOTTEST ROCKERS. We are unable to announce who this single rocker is at this time, but…He is the real deal. A famous, sexy, bad boy rocker. He was the lead singer of a famous 90′s rock band and he still tours today!
A sexy bad boy who still tours today? After the jump, we offer a few guesses as to the would-be bachelor’s identity.
Candidate: Adam Duritz, Counting Crows.
Why He’s Perfect For This: Anyone who inspires full-back tattoos should be able to lure a comely lass or two into the hot tub.
Fatal Flaw: Previous relationship with Trishelle from The Real World has probably turned him off reality-TV ladies for good.
Candidate: Stephan Jenkins, Third Eye Blind.
Why He’s Perfect For This: Fits the profile, if playing shows for a mortgage company in Vegas counts as “touring.”
Fatal Flaw: Dopey enough to tell a reporter, “What kind of sexual is the Dalai Lama? I want to be that.”
Candidate: Steve Harwell, Smashmouth.
Why He’s Perfect For This: Has already displayed willingness to scrape bottom of pop-cultural barrel with appearances on Surreal Life, Shrek soundtrack.
Fatal Flaw: No matter how famous it might make them, most women won’t get turned on by someone giving “All Star” a super-sensitive reading.
Candidate: Fred Durst, Limp Bizkit.
Why He’s Perfect For This: A little bit of VH1 nookie is nothing compared to Durst’s past caught-on-tape exploits.
Fatal Flaw: Even though we haven’t heard from him in years, he’s still overexposed.
Please let it be Durst, the opportunities for roffles would be endless. On the downside, he might go shirtless and cause nationwide chundering.
Did Mark McGrath get canned from “Extra” yet? Dude was born for this role.
what about maura’s muse, Scott Stapp? He fits the criteria perfectly: drunk, washed up egomaniac who loves to be videotaped doing ANYTHING.
Maybe they can get all edgy and cast Brett Anderson from Suede after being quoted saying:
“I see myself as a bisexual man who’s never had a homosexual experience. I’ve never seen myself as overtly heterosexual, but then, I didn’t see myself as gay. I sort of saw myself as some kind of sexual being that was floating somewhere. There were specific references to the gay world (in Suede’s lyrics) but the songs were actually trying to say something more universal.”
Thankfully, Jerry Cantrell has reunited something called “Alice in Chains” and J Mascis [oooooh, steeeaamy] is touring with something referred to as “Dinosaur Jr,” so they can’t really be considered.
Then there’s that whole Axl thing…
Well I just heard
The news today…
What about one of the guys (or both?) from Insane Clown Posse? That would be awesome, especially if they wore their makeup on camera.
Maybe it’s Shannon Hoon’s corpse. Too soon?
What about the dude from Geggy Tah? I bet he’s not up to much these days.
Hootie?
Candlebox, maybe? They’re still touring…I have no idea why, but they are still touring…
VINCE NEIL of Motley Crue.
“single”? Check,
“rocker”? Check.
“famous”? Check.
“sexy”? Um…
“bad boy”? Double check.
“lead singer”? Check.
“still tours today”? Check.
Unfortunately, the show would be sooo much better if it were Tommy Lee…
This is only vaguely related, but fun to share: the Counting Crows song “Mr. Jones” is awesomely funny if you imagine that “Mr. Jones” is Adam Durwitz’s pet name for his penis. “Is she looking at you? She’s looking at me.”
It’s more plausible than the idea that Adam Duritz had friends!
What’s his face from the Gin Blossoms?
What’s his name from Live?
Who’s that from Soul Asylum?
I hope it’s Zach De la Rocha so he can get all preachy. Good Times.
I’m sure he’s paid for a few friends.
Anyway, gotta be the Durst.
Steve Harwell is married.
Oh God, please let it be that blown out (hairwise, at least), once chubby, lead singer A-hole from the Goo Goo Dolls.
Vince Neil is plausible, but Motley Crue was NOT popular in the 90s. Adam Duritz (as gross as it sounds) does pretty well for himself. I wish it were Billy Corgan, if only for the episode where Courtney Love shows up to perform Bridgitte Neilson’s role of “possessive weirdo.”
See, but I think the Durst is still way too proud to sign on to something like this – for now. And I don’t think any publicist shy of being held at gunpoint would refer to him as “sexy.” And is Limp Bizkit touring in any capacity?
I’m gonna go with Scott Stapp.
Hmm, what about one of those guys from Korn? Didnt their drummer pose for Calvin Klein jeans?
Staind maybe? They seem like the type.
And what about Faith No More…they could talk about what is was like to let Courtney Love front their band for 5 minutes.
I bet one of the dudes from Hootie and the Blowfish could take a break from playing the WalMart corporate office Christmas party…one has to be single, right?
Ohh, even better… Danger Danger has been playing Europe… could it be Steve West?
It’s Bret Micheals.
Deal with it.
If there is a god in heaven it will be Axl Rose
Please, please, please let it be Liam Gallagher.
Please, please, please let it be Liam Gallagher.
SNOW!
Do we all remember in the alternate dimension known as the 90s, Adam Duritz dated Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston and Winona Ryder? Why did we allow this to happen?
Breaking news! Having spent the royalties from the Nirvana catalog, the ever business forward Courtney Love has sold the rights to dead hubby Kurt Cobain to VH1. Watch the fun as the bachelorettes coo and kiss the rotted flesh of the uber-grungy corpse. Hey, beats kissing Flavor Flav. (And better teef!)
You’re all wrong. It’s most certainly the guy from Live.
Oh. Just been informed that that guy is married. So never mind.
My first thought was Sebastian Bach – but he’s more ’80s than ’90s, right?
It’s too bad it can’t be GG Allin or El Duce.
I was thinking Sebastian Bach, too. But Skid Row don’t still tour, do they?
38 comments? Isn’t this some kind of record?
The Evanescence review had more.
Also: a follow-up.
Milli and or Vanilli?
Let’s hope it’s Eddie Vedder.
Dave Navarro– hasn’t it been a few weeks since his last reality show ended?
Oh wait, it has to be a singer? Then Rob Zombie. Please let it be Rob Zombie.
We’re sure it’s not Cobain, right?
We’re sure it’s not Cobain, right?
I just figured it out.
Vanilla Ice.
I just figured it out.
Vanilla Ice.
Yeah, it’s probably Bret Michaels. He’s been solo touring in between Poison’s summer tours for the last few years.
Not CC? RIPOFF.
HETFIELD ’91