Last night was the premiere of the CW’s Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll, a new reality show in which a group of amateur back-up dancers vie for the chance to be professional back-up dancers. Our guide to the riotous, vomitous pilot episode after the click-through.

Highlights from Episode 1: “Eighteen contestants audition”

- After the required casting-call montage, the initial group is pared down to 18 wannabes, all of who have maddeningly similar names. How are we supposed to tell Asia, Anastacia, and Anjelia from Ewa, Mariela, and Aardvarkia?

- The girls share their compellingly heartbreaking back-stories: There’s the girl who used to sleep in a car, the girl who used to be overweight, and the girl who lives in Toms River, New Jersey.

- While bonding together, the contestants share some of their more charming characteristics, such as burping like the toad in Pan’s Labyrinth, and talking like 12-year-olds.

- After only a few seconds of hosting, Mark McGrath quickly McGrates.

- One of the contestants comes down with a stomach virus, and after the girls attend a Pussycat Dolls concert, two of them throw up on camera. It’s hard to tell whether this was part of the storyline, or whether producers simply filmed any of the numerous concertgoers who can be found vomiting in the parking lot following a Dolls live performance.

- For the elimination round, the contestants are judged by a panel that includes choreographer Mikey Minden (who, despite being gay, is still rocking a circa-1999 chin-strap); gum-chewing, vaguely interested vocal producer Eric Dawkins; Dolls founder Robin Antin, who will no doubt find a way to insert herself into the show every four minutes; and Nicole Scherzinger, who tells one girl, “I love your essence. I love your rawness…I love you.”

- The final showdown takes place on an empty soundstage that’s surrounded by sick girls lying next to IV drips–sort of like A Chorus Line meets the battle scenes from Gone With The Wind.

- Half the girls are eliminated, and the winners frolic on stage with giant pink boas, a send-off that will certainly confound the show’s horny-teenage-boy demo.