Over the weekend, The Wall Street Journal took a look at how summer-festival organizers are attempting to woo youth-deprived fans. Their approach? Identify all of the elements that make the live-music experience spontaneous–and then hermetically seal those elements up and place them far, far away:
Music festivals are going after an older, wealthier crowd this summer with more mainstream acts, higher-priced tickets and a slate of VIP perks. Lollapalooza, formerly renowned for its muddy mosh pits, is offering cabanas on Lake Michigan, mint-infused cooling treatments and a $3,500-a-table gala. At Sasquatch in Washington state, fans who pay about $300 extra for a “Solid Gold Superticket” can take hot showers in air-conditioned bathrooms. (Regular campers get porta-potties and no showers.) Holders of American Express Gold Cards have received a special offer for the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival in California; for $549 — more than double the regular price — they get entry to the only cocktail bar on the grounds…
Now these festivals are offering more options for people who aren’t eager to sleep at rowdy camp sites and line up for porta-potties. David Carpenter and his wife, Vanessa, both 31, will attend Bonnaroo for the first time this year. They plan to take advantage of the festival’s VIP package. For $1,121.75 — about triple the regular ticket price — they can stay at a special campground equipped with showers and get into VIP tents serving free food. “We’re quiet suburbanites,” says Mr. Carpenter. He adds that if he “was 21 years old,” he might buy a regular ticket. “But I’m more mature and better off now, so I said no thanks to that.”
We certainly understand the desire to avoid spending three days sleeping in the middle of the woods, trying to catch some shut-eye as the drunken piddles from a bunch of wandering twentysomethings bounce off your tent. But surely there’s got to be some sort of middle ground between too-close-for-comfort immersion and at-a-distance insulation; it’s not as if Bonaroo or Coachella are mini-Altamonts waiting to happen. In fact, based on our own expeirences, the worse thing that can happen is seeing Jared Leto pump his fist while playing with his BlackBerry (Coachella ’04) or getting goosed by Andy Dick (Coachella ’99-present).
The VIP Rock Fest [WSJ]
Ridiculous. Anyone in the VIP section is going to have an insufficient drug intake and as such they’ll realize their favorite performers (both from yesterday and from 30 years ago) just can’t play the best when it’s 100 degrees out and raining.
But, if you’re knee deep in mud and surrounded by naked 80 year old hippies, Sound Tribe Sector 9 is a lot more tolerable.
As such, I suggest no less than two hits of acid and/or three separate intoxicants at all times (depending on your cross-tolerance). Why? Because prolonged sobriety may lead to asking “Have I been listening to the same lousy noodling for the past hour and a half? What the hell is a Rat Dog? God damn it’s hot. My feet hurt, I’m broke, and there is mud everywhere. Why am I doing this?”
Yeah. Not entirely conducive to a festival environment. Stay sober too long and you may actually remember how horrible a time it really is, and never ever return.
Back to my original point: these VIP’s are going to get about 75% of the misery and maybe 45% of the fun, but I’m guessing the festival promoters aren’t expecting them back next year anyway.