Last night, MTV showed its first episode of Band In A Bubble, the 20-day multimedia stunt that will track the pop-emo band Cartel as it attempts to write and record an album while encased in a fishbowlish house/recording studio on the West Side of Manhattan. Since it’s rare these days for MTV to have an actual half-hour program that’s about the process of music-making, as opposed to the celebrity that comes after it, we decided to jump into the recapping business–a task that will be no small feat, given that the program is already being jerked around MTV’s schedule–with our whenever-it-airs recap, “Bubble Boyz With Electric Toyz.”

Episode 1, which was broadcast from right outside the bubble, set up the show, sealed the band inside its tricked-out digs, and gave the the guys their first task: They have to write (and record) a song, and it will premiere on an episode of TRL next week.

And the biggest news to come out of this episode?

MTV is now bleeping the word “masturbate.”

Episode 1: The Red Carpet Special

We open with dozens of screaming fans waiting outside the bubble and an introduction from yet another one-named MTV VJ, some preppy guy who calls Cartel “rock and roll psychopaths.” (Guess that’s nicer than “publicity whores.”) For some reason, the first third of the episode looks squished, like Paula Abdul’s video for “The Promise Of A New Day”, and it makes us feel dizzy.

Let’s begin with a few Tiger Beat-style sketches of each character:

Will, the lead singer/public defender who actually thinks the “porn star name” conceit is funny;
Kevin, the moptopped drummer whose hobby is, um, being naked;
Joseph, the Gideon Yago lookalike lead guitarist who is serious about the music, as evidenced by his T-shirts of Hot Water Music and the Sex Pistols, and who’s convinced that he’s going to be the first to crack;
Nic, the “Abercrombie-hot” rhythm guitarist who’s actually a bit shy;
Jeff, the newbie bassist who feels a bit estranged from the rest of the band, in an effort to actually gin up some tension; and
Peter, the Epic executive who’s going to serve as the bringer of “our ass is on the line” bad news.

Peter is clearly going to be the person in charge of giving this thing an actual dramatic arc, since he talks about making Cartel an important band, blah blah blah. But his best line is clearly this one, which comes during one of his pep talks in the studio:

We have to treat each song like it’s no longer a single–it’s a sonic weapon.

The rest of the episode–which introduces us to the band members’ mothers and frequently refers to the bubble as a “prison”–goes pretty much downhill from there, although there are a few highlights:

ARE PEOPLE REALLY WRITING THIS SHIT? Two “fans” were interviewed by another one-name VJ, and they were clever enough to come up with the following lines:
“I’m really excited how they make their album–I know they can sing live, but I wanna see them sing in the shower”; and
“I just really wanna know what five horndogs are gonna do late at night, when they’re lonely and in that bubble!”
MASTURBATION IS NOW A CRIME ON MTV: While “horndogs” has made it past the MTV censors, another word referring to man’s primal urges is not; Kevin discussed a period where he didn’t pleasure himself for 24 days, and the word “masturbate” was bleeped out. “Morning wood,” however, was not, for those of you keeping score.
APPARENTLY THERE’S NO DUANE READE IN THE BUBBLE: Fans brought gifts to the band, because clearly, what five dudes who are sponsored by Dr Pepper, KFC, and Wal-Mart need is more crap; one gir gave 20 pairs of “sexy” underwear to Kevin, another brought car air fresheners to de-smell up the joint. But the classiest gift? It had to be a plunger. We’re so glad that whoever wrote that bit brought Next-like levels of humor to the proceedings.
THE CHALLENGE: The five members were charged with writing and recording a song to be performed next week on TRL, thus increasing the percentage of people to whom the afternoon countdown show is still a big deal by at least 20%.
THE REAL CHALLENGE: Perhaps already expecting I’m From Rolling Stone levels of viewership, MTV has scheduled the next Bubble episode for the ratings graveyard of Saturday at 8 p.m. The webcams, however, are up and running–but only to people who buy Dr Pepper. We already know how unexciting unedited webcam life can be (thanks, Ana Voog!), but we’ll probably buy a bottle or two and fire up our browsers at odd hours, if only because sometimes we need to take drastic measures to put ourselves to sleep.

Earlier: Third-Rate Emo Band Making Us Feel Less Than Bubblicious