Writing about music these days can be hard. When the public’s knowledge of musicians is as celebrities rather than artists, how should a careful scribe treat them? Should we pooh-pooh the public’s philistinism and treat musicians with the seriousness they are accustomed to? Or should we use the same breathless, publicist-friendly voice you might find in Us Weekly (which is, lest we forget, the sister publication to bastion of taking-musicians-seriously Rolling Stone)? Well, EW‘s Shirley Halperin has seen the future of music writing, and it sounds an awful lot like Cindy Adams.
Here are some excerpts from her post on the EW blog about listening to Kid Rock’s new album…with Kid Rock!!!111
EW was treated to an intimate listening session at Rock’s Malibu home last week. An invitation we really couldn’t refuse, especially when paired with dinner at Malibu staple Taverna Tony’s. (The Greek restaurant is a favorite of Jennifer Aniston’s and now I understand why: the tzatziki was fantastic!) [...] And sure enough, five beers (for Rock) and two cosmos (pour moi) later, I found myself riding shotgun in Rock’s classic American-made 1967 convertible something-or-other, roaring on down the Pacific Coast Highway like a scene out of Entourage.
Upon arrival at Rock’s manse by the sea, he proudly told an audience of six (myself, fellow EW writer Chris Willman, and a few influential TV bookers) that this record, tentatively titled Rock-n-Roll Jesus, is his best yet. Then the artist formerly known as Bob Ritchie lit a cigar and let it rip, kicking off with the title track, an unabashed, AC/DC-informed rocker befitting the self-anointed American Badass. But as we soon found out, these hard-driving riffs and fiery choruses were just a warm-up. The strip-club-ready “So Hot,” Rock’s chosen first single, turned out to be the album’s unapologetic, sex-fueled tipping point. It’s all meant to remind the music-buying public that this is the guy who had to balls to go from middle-finger-waving rap-metal superstar to country crossover success in just over five years, while at the same time selling around 20 million albums. Not too shabby.
And true to the more sensitive side of Rock (I sure did love that “Picture” song), the album features a ballad, a bluesy ode to Fats Domino and “going down to New Orleans” (which, Rock was quick to point out, could double as a metaphor for oral sex) and a God-loving anthem called “Amen.”
(Emphases ours, but could you tell?)
In the celestial tomes where they classify what particular kind of bad writing a given piece is, this falls into the category of “Would sound appropriate if read aloud by Quagmire from Family Guy.” Imagine him saying “All right!” after every paragraph. Doesn’t it just … feel right? And doesn’t a surprising amount of music writing fall into this catagory? Not that we want to name any blogs’ names, but …
Are we ready for the return of Kid Rock? [Popwatch]
I love it how he has a “strip club ready” song as his first single and a “God loving anthem” on an album called “Rock-n-Roll Jesus”. I’m sure God is gonna be very pleased.
However, I wouldn’t be too cynical about this being his best album yet. That’s like saying that the new Wayans brothers’ movie is their best yet. It’s not like he’s set the bar particularly high.
It’s like a parody of Chickfactor. Or something.
Wouldn’t “going down to New Orleans” be considered an insult by any self-respecting love interest? New Orleans ain’t in the best of shape right now.
At least the totally casual mention of drunk driving was edgy…
@Bob Loblaw: Stars: They’re just like the people who sycophantically write about them!
I know that Mark Redfern from Under the Radar is trying to lead a revolt against this sort of “review process.” This is really no different than EMI execs making writers fly to their offices for the Coldplay album, X&Y. It’s just cuter and more awesome!
@The Van Buren Boys: Wait, does this mean that Grits Sandwiches for Breakfast = I’m Gonna Get You Sucka?
This reads like The Onion‘s parody of an entertainment writer. When life imitates art…
@natepatrin: I was thinking Shawn and Marlon Wayans when I said the Wayans brothers, not Keenan Ivory Wayans who made “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka” (he also did “In Living Color” which I love). Therefore “Grits Sandwiches for Breakfast” would equal “Scary Movie” (the first true Wayans Brothers’ movie in my opinion). There are other similarities including their inexplicable popularity . Fun fact: “White Chicks” grossed over $113 milliom dollars worldwide.
Wow…clearly I have waaaay to much time at work to look all of this up. I’ll stop now.
Why no scare quotes around “writer” in the headline as well?
I dunno, the possibility of careening off the PCH with Kid Rock, in a drunken haze after a nice dinner, to the watery depths below wouldn’t be a terrible way to shuffle off this mortal coil. LOLZ!
“It’s all meant to remind the music-buying public that this is the guy who is generically mediocre enough to go from middle-finger-waving rap-metal superstar to country crossover success in just over five years, while at the same time selling around 20 million albums. Not too shabby.
Fixed.
Seriously, I’m supposed to believe that Kid Rock is making good music?
As long as rural Ohio exists, this man will have a career, and writers like this one will have someone to brown nose.
You know, what also piqued my interest about this piece is that if you look at the URL, the original headline opened up with “To care or not to care” — a common PopWatch feature (the Backstreet Boys recently got this treatment). But now it’s been changed to the much more benign “Are we ready for the return of Kid Rock?” Hmmmm.
@therichgirlsareweeping: Surely the ghost of Joe C. would appear to you just before you careened over the precipice.
(Also, I just got to google “kid rock dead midet sidekick” for professional reasons, awesome.)
I just love it when they (blog-o-critics) make my job as a reader easier by completely discounting their credibility with plain ol’ bad taste in music:
(I sure did love that “Picture” song)
really.
“that this record, tentatively titled Rock-n-Roll Jesus, is his best yet.”
Shit is still shit, no matter how proud of it you are.
And seriously, is there one musician on the planet who, when releasing a new album, doesn’t refer to it as their “best yet?”
What do you expect from an uberhack like Shirley Halperin? Everything she touches turns into a craptastic shitfest. If she is the future of music journalism, then I am going to stop listening to music altogether. Helllo books on tape!
@Dick Malone: Oh dear, leave it to me to inadvertently make a dead midget sidekick funny.
I hate to keep revisiting this thread but:
“Their music is pretty melodic, but their lyrics are very sad stuff,” she said. “I was in a funk and wanted to go to where the sad stuff was.”
– Shirley Halperin on husband Thom Monahan’s band, The Pernice Brothers.
Obvs, I have no idea if they’re still married, or even if he’s still a regular member of the Pernice Bros., but still. ELOQUENCE IN THE EXTREME!
“Manse” is a word that should only be used in profiles of Zsa Zsa Gabor and the like. But at least she had the grammatical sense to capitalize “American Badass”.
Criticizing the content, style, and what it says about the state of the biz is all fine and good but, ummm, linking to the writer’s wedding announcement? Lame. LAMENESS IN THE EXTREME!