This morning, we were inundated with pointers to Shoutmouth’s list of the 50 Hottest Women in Music, which is topped by Jessica Simpson, places Ashanti at No. 50, and has a bunch of questionable dude-logic in between the two. The list, which has been giving the Digg mouth-breathers something to drool over while they wait for their cron jobs to run, is made up of a few token indie-cuties, the usual TRL suspects, and Willa Freakin’ Ford, who apparently gets “music points” for sleeping with some of the Backstreet Boys a couple of years back. Anyway, we read over the list, rolling our eyes and despairing over what, exactly, makes a woman “hot” to the list’s creators (seriously, Willa Ford?), when we came to an important realization: We can engage in our own objectification, too. After the jump, we join forces to rank the 50 hottest men in music as of right now.
Before we get into it, there are a few rules:
Rule No. 1 (The Newcomer Rule): Each artist must have released at least one full-length album prior to August 1st, 2007 in order to qualify.
Rule No. 2 (The Pseudo-Musician/Googlebait Rule): Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are disqualified for obvious reasons.
Okay, that’s only two. Bring on the meat!
50. Kevin Federline
Hey, he turned out to be the responsible one. Who knew?
49. Sir Richard Branson
Admittedly this would make us feel a little Anna Nicole-ish, but still: private jet planes!
48. Constantine Maroulis
He blow-dries his chest hair, and he’ll probably let you borrow his styling products.
47. Hinder (all)
They didn’t buy all those bras attached to their mics themselves, after all. Wait, they did? Oh.
46. Fat Joe
His inscrutably feline face makes us suspect he is a tender (no pun intended) lover.
Twenty-odd years doing nothing but shaking a pair of maracas has probably given him a good sense of rhythm, if you follow our meaning.
Especially attractive when throwing up on the side of the stage.
People love rubbing a bald guy’s head. Fact.
42. James Murphy
Putting him on this list should only stoke his sexy, sexy ire.
41. Jack White (only when angry)
Putting him this low on the list should only stoke his sexy, sexy ire.
Now that he’s so bloated that nobody wants him anymore he can finally be ours. Who could have guessed we’d one day be the “pretty one” in a relationship with D’Angelo?
39. Eddie Van Halen
Well, uh, he’s probably away on business a lot, and there’s a good chance his house has a kick-ass entertainment center.
38. Hell Rell
What’s hotter than a man who isn’t afraid to shell out money on dental work?
37. Dan Deacon
GirlsGuys with glasses are always hot:
36. JC Chasez
Maybe then we’ll finally get to hear Kate.
35. Joey Fatone
He would have been higher if we’d put this list together before The Singing Bee debuted.
34. Daft Punk (Bangalter only)
But only if he wears the helmet to bed.
33. Jarvis Cocker
Witty, good at cocktail parties, doesn’t take up much room.
32. Bun B
Fellow blogger. Workaholic. Has similar issues about his weight.
31. Nuno Bettencourt
Leaving Satellite Party kicked him up a few notches.
30. That guy in Seattle who got beaten up for doing “Yellow” at karaoke
A brave soul. Shame about his shit taste.
Despite his randy rep, he’s the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about signing a woman’s naughty bits on promotional tours. Trust us, we asked.
28. Andrew WK
If he can put up with Kathy Griffin, he has indefinite patience.
27. Peter and Bjorn (but not John)
But only if they whistle while they work. Ahem.
26. The guy from the Gym Class Heroes whose name nobody knows because Patrick Stump sings the hook on like all of their songs
We’re not above doling out the pity rankings.
25. Lee Ranaldo
Aging better than Kim Gordon.
But only if he doesn’t wear the bucket to bed.
23. Lil Wayne
When we were growing up, our favorite movie was also Gremlins.
22. Elephant Man
Free hair dye for the rest of our lives.
21. Gerard Way
Free eyeliner for the rest of our lives.
20. The Simpsonized Billie Joe Armstrong
50% less acne than real life Billie Joe Armstrong.
19. Patrick Wolf
We would never have to be worried if our outfit was clashing.
18. Carlos D
Pros: Gets us into all the good parties. Cons: Possible you-know-what infection.
17. C.C. DeVille
Clearly, the front-runner to star in Rock Of Love 2: Love Among The Catskills.
16. Andy Summers
A guy who really knows what to do with both hands. Eh? Eh??
15. T.I.P. (Not T.I.)
Bad boys for life. (Even if T.I. does dress better.)
14. Toby Keith
We have deep-rooted daddy issues and a thing for world-class scumbags. So sue us.
13. Clay Aiken
Hello, Claymates! Please keep the “darn you!” quota in your ire-filled comment under two.
An endless supply of pet names for the rest of our lives.
11. The lead singer of Anal Cunt
He told us if we didn’t include him he would write a song called “Idolator is Gay and has Cancer.”
10. Mr. Oizo (Or his puppet equivalent)
Our concession to furry culture.
9. Rufus Wainwright
We could totally change him. Plus all those withering bon mots would make even horrible arguments kind of enjoyable.
8. Justin Timberlake (Obviously)
Points off for “Ayo Technology.” Hey, everyone has their “Dancin’ In The Street,” you know?
7. Britt Daniel
Suspect he may possibly be too uptight to dance with us to Poison songs in his underwear, however.
6. Big Boi
Despite having a stripper pole in his house, he seems less likely than his partner to dump us for a neo-soul starlet at the drop of a head wrap.
5. “Weird Al” Yankovic
The accordion lessons alone would be to die for.
4. Rick Rubin
This guy is so into freaky sex acts it’s not funny. You just know it.
3. Brad Paisley
Already covered today.
2. Patrick Stump
Maura threatened to cut Jess if he wasn’t in the top two. Jess then took comfort in the fact that Maura has a boner for Patrick friggin’ Stump.
1. The ghost of Michael Hutchence
He’s long gone, but still: Duh.
[Photo: Getty Images]