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This morning, we were inundated with pointers to Shoutmouth’s list of the 50 Hottest Women in Music, which is topped by Jessica Simpson, places Ashanti at No. 50, and has a bunch of questionable dude-logic in between the two. The list, which has been giving the Digg mouth-breathers something to drool over while they wait for their cron jobs to run, is made up of a few token indie-cuties, the usual TRL suspects, and Willa Freakin’ Ford, who apparently gets “music points” for sleeping with some of the Backstreet Boys a couple of years back. Anyway, we read over the list, rolling our eyes and despairing over what, exactly, makes a woman “hot” to the list’s creators (seriously, Willa Ford?), when we came to an important realization: We can engage in our own objectification, too. After the jump, we join forces to rank the 50 hottest men in music as of right now.
Before we get into it, there are a few rules:
Rule No. 1 (The Newcomer Rule): Each artist must have released at least one full-length album prior to August 1st, 2007 in order to qualify.
Rule No. 2 (The Pseudo-Musician/Googlebait Rule): Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are disqualified for obvious reasons.
Okay, that’s only two. Bring on the meat!
50. Kevin Federline
Hey, he turned out to be the responsible one. Who knew?
49. Sir Richard Branson
Admittedly this would make us feel a little Anna Nicole-ish, but still: private jet planes!
48. Constantine Maroulis
He blow-dries his chest hair, and he’ll probably let you borrow his styling products.
47. Hinder (all)
They didn’t buy all those bras attached to their mics themselves, after all. Wait, they did? Oh.
46. Fat Joe
His inscrutably feline face makes us suspect he is a tender (no pun intended) lover.
45. Bez
Twenty-odd years doing nothing but shaking a pair of maracas has probably given him a good sense of rhythm, if you follow our meaning.
44. Flea
Especially attractive when throwing up on the side of the stage.
43. Moby
People love rubbing a bald guy’s head. Fact.
42. James Murphy
Putting him on this list should only stoke his sexy, sexy ire.
41. Jack White (only when angry)
Putting him this low on the list should only stoke his sexy, sexy ire.
40. D’Angelo
Now that he’s so bloated that nobody wants him anymore he can finally be ours. Who could have guessed we’d one day be the “pretty one” in a relationship with D’Angelo?
39. Eddie Van Halen
Well, uh, he’s probably away on business a lot, and there’s a good chance his house has a kick-ass entertainment center.
38. Hell Rell
What’s hotter than a man who isn’t afraid to shell out money on dental work?
37. Dan Deacon
GirlsGuys with glasses are always hot:
36. JC Chasez
Maybe then we’ll finally get to hear Kate.
35. Joey Fatone
He would have been higher if we’d put this list together before The Singing Bee debuted.
34. Daft Punk (Bangalter only)
But only if he wears the helmet to bed.
33. Jarvis Cocker
Witty, good at cocktail parties, doesn’t take up much room.
32. Bun B
Fellow blogger. Workaholic. Has similar issues about his weight.
31. Nuno Bettencourt
Leaving Satellite Party kicked him up a few notches.
30. That guy in Seattle who got beaten up for doing “Yellow” at karaoke
A brave soul. Shame about his shit taste.
29. Ludacris
Despite his randy rep, he’s the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about signing a woman’s naughty bits on promotional tours. Trust us, we asked.
28. Andrew WK
If he can put up with Kathy Griffin, he has indefinite patience.
27. Peter and Bjorn (but not John)
But only if they whistle while they work. Ahem.
26. The guy from the Gym Class Heroes whose name nobody knows because Patrick Stump sings the hook on like all of their songs
We’re not above doling out the pity rankings.
25. Lee Ranaldo
Aging better than Kim Gordon.
24. Buckethead
But only if he doesn’t wear the bucket to bed.
23. Lil Wayne
When we were growing up, our favorite movie was also Gremlins.
22. Elephant Man
Free hair dye for the rest of our lives.
21. Gerard Way
Free eyeliner for the rest of our lives.
20. The Simpsonized Billie Joe Armstrong
50% less acne than real life Billie Joe Armstrong.
19. Patrick Wolf
We would never have to be worried if our outfit was clashing.
18. Carlos D
Pros: Gets us into all the good parties. Cons: Possible you-know-what infection.
17. C.C. DeVille
Clearly, the front-runner to star in Rock Of Love 2: Love Among The Catskills.
16. Andy Summers
A guy who really knows what to do with both hands. Eh? Eh??
15. T.I.P. (Not T.I.)
Bad boys for life. (Even if T.I. does dress better.)
14. Toby Keith
We have deep-rooted daddy issues and a thing for world-class scumbags. So sue us.
13. Clay Aiken
Hello, Claymates! Please keep the “darn you!” quota in your ire-filled comment under two.
12. E-40
An endless supply of pet names for the rest of our lives.
11. The lead singer of Anal Cunt
He told us if we didn’t include him he would write a song called “Idolator is Gay and has Cancer.”
10. Mr. Oizo (Or his puppet equivalent)
Our concession to furry culture.
9. Rufus Wainwright
We could totally change him. Plus all those withering bon mots would make even horrible arguments kind of enjoyable.
8. Justin Timberlake (Obviously)
Points off for “Ayo Technology.” Hey, everyone has their “Dancin’ In The Street,” you know?
7. Britt Daniel
Suspect he may possibly be too uptight to dance with us to Poison songs in his underwear, however.
6. Big Boi
Despite having a stripper pole in his house, he seems less likely than his partner to dump us for a neo-soul starlet at the drop of a head wrap.
5. “Weird Al” Yankovic
The accordion lessons alone would be to die for.
4. Rick Rubin
This guy is so into freaky sex acts it’s not funny. You just know it.
3. Brad Paisley
Already covered today.
2. Patrick Stump
Maura threatened to cut Jess if he wasn’t in the top two. Jess then took comfort in the fact that Maura has a boner for Patrick friggin’ Stump.
1. The ghost of Michael Hutchence
He’s long gone, but still: Duh.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Though I assume you mean LCD’s James Murphy, this is the first one that pops up in a Google search:
[www.msanthrope.com]
Then I remembered Maura’s love of the metal and I wasn’t so sure you weren’t talking about this guy…
that list was trash from Shoutmouth. Where is PJ Harvey? Where was Yellow Thunder Woman from The Bastard Fairies? And how the hell did Natalie Imbruglia and Willa Ford who haven’t put out songs in almost a decade get on it?
Jemaine Clement, he of Flight of the Conchords fame, looks a little Hutchence-y, if you squint and use your imagination. The resemblance is in the mouth, I believe. Anyway, for those ladies like myself who still miss Michael on a near-daily basis, this is good news.
britt daniel! yes yes yes.
i am not on this list. i am defriending you!!!!!
I call dibs on the ghost of Jeff Buckley. Also- Carlos D.? Only the Krautrock version.
There’s a NYC baseball/indie rock joke to be made about herpes and Carlos D(elgado) and Derek Jeter but damned if I can put it together.
None of the Kings of Leon? Was there a weight requirement? Caleb with the new haircut should be hovering around the top ten, no?
Here’s why you’re not getting my gay endorsement on this one.
1. Some of these dudes are not lukewarm by a long-shot, let alone hot.
2. Um, hello? Pictures? What, I gotta google these mother-effers one by one? No.
3. The Kathy Griffin dig. I don’t care who ya are, that lady is funny.
Jeezis. Talk about rolling your eyes and despairing. I thought y’all
was gonna give me some eye candy over here. Why you gotta play me?
re: Carlos D. Aww! Just a nasty rumor.
re: Britt Daniel. GUESS AGAIN!
re: N. Bettancourt. WOOHOOOOO!
WHERE IS THE WENTZ? Stump is adorable and all, but really.
i’ll admit that im a fan of guys and eyeliner, but gerard way is much more attractive than pete wentz. gotta love a blue eyed boy.
I really refuse to believe that Maura & Jess put together a list of hot dudes in music without consulting me, the person who has a crush on, like, every dude in a band. This is just the prelude, right?
@MTS: Totally. I mean, when the real, not half tongue-in-cheek version of this list comes out, we’d all better be consulted.
@sweetivy: Whatevs! Gerard Way has woman-ass. That’s not hot. They’ve totally got him in a girdle when he’s in Black Parade mode.
Is the Ashanti at #50 the one before tweezers or after tweezers?
Uh… isn’t Patrick Stump overweight, balding, and painfully shy? He’s basically any random guy you could find in a comic book store, plus a pair of unfortunate mutton chops.
@therichgirlsareweeping: haha, he is quite effeminate (have you seen him perform live?) but i’d still let him hit it. assuming he got rid of that horrible blond hair first
The Baltimore City Paper reviews reunion albums by Dinosaur Jr., Smashing Pumpkins, And Shellac. The Philadelphia Inquirer interviews singer-songwriter Rufus Wainwright. Singer-songwriter Linda Thompson talks to the New York Sun about her son Teddy’s contribution to her recent songwriting.
Lee Ranaldo is totes hotter than Buckethead.
Who are most of these people? Shit, I must be old or something. But props for putting Weird Al Yankovic on there. Where the hell is Elvis Costello? I might dust off my Electra complex for him.
Y’all are seriously underrating Willa Ford’s turn as MANDAH on the Pokemon: The First Movie soundtrack (w/ Jiggly Puff outro): Lullaby
@therichgirlsareweeping: 100% agreed. I’m hoping “Hottest Dude” is included in this year’s “Jackin’ Pop” poll — I feel this has not been given the critical attention it desperately needs.
Greg Gillis would have been a much better pick than Dan Deacon.
I can get behind the Britt Daniel pick though.