Idolator Live-Blogs The 2007 Video Music Awards

Welcome to Idolator’s liveblog of the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards, an event that we’re expecting to be marked by chaotically unrehearsed performances, awkward Britney Spears comeback attempts, and a lot of really bad sound. I’m here on my couch with Jess, Kate, and a few interested outside observers; we’re about five minutes out from the preshow, which will no doubt feature a lot of drooling mentions of how much money MTV is diverting from its payroll to this weekend. Also: drinking. Perhaps my expectations for the evening were best summed up by the always-eloquent Tony Yayo during 50 Cent’s performance that almost ended with Curtis drowning: “This sh– looks like the stage ’bout to be in the water.” (Bleeping MTV’s, of course.)

Not that we really know what “in the water” is going to entail in the middle of the desert, but either way, our full coverage is after the jump.

7:56 p.m. The Hills is on. What a way to get people excited about your premier music-related event of the season!

7:57 p.m. Oh my God, how do people care about this? This makes Valley Girl sound like Shakespeare.

8:00 p.m. Paparazzi! Exposed backs! Her name is Nicole! And they brought John Norris out of mothballs!

8:01 p.m. T.I. can even make aviator shades look great.

8:02 p.m. This is already a trainwreck. There’s a split screen. I’m overstimulated and I’m two minutes in. Too old for this?

8:04 p.m. I feel like I’m watching a practical exam by a bunch of journalism students who have had too much Adderall before they went onstage.

8:05 p.m. Kate is in the Virual VMAs, and everyone except her is levitating.

8:06 p.m. Jess on John Norris’ outfit: “He’s like Transformers-era Lou Reed meets Gerard Way.” Joe (outside observer No. 1): “Or old, sad Harry Potter.”

8:08 p.m. You know, on a weekend where the employment rate went down and Osama Bin Laden put out a new tape and the polar bears are about to go extinct, nothing captures the zeitgeist better than a bunch of ads featuring people bragging about spending $40,000 on a hotel room. Can someone please remind me why they hate us again?

8:11 p.m. Lil’ Mama is wearing a Bo Peep hoodie.

8:12 p.m. No wait. She is dressed as a baby. Chris Hansen, where are you now?

8:12 p.m. Jess: “Chris Brown’s been hitting that Weight Gainer 5000 pretty hard, hasn’t he?”

8:13 p.m. There are a lot of beautiful ladies in the room tonight, but none is more beautiful than … Carson Daly?

8:14 p.m. Alicia Keys fancies herself a little bit Beatles, a little bit Janis Joplin, a little bit Police. But where’s the Dream Of The Blue Turtles influence?

8:15 p.m. Nelly Furtado’s “blonde”: It’s a little more “orange.” Also, the dye apparently stayed on her head long enough to seep into her brain. Or maybe it’s the rum.

8:15 p.m. Maggie (outside observer No. 2) on Nelly F: “She looks like she’s turning into Jerri Blank.”

8:16 p.m. Just in case anyone was wondering, I am wearing Isaac Mizrahi. For Target. And a name necklace that I was given as a birthday present in seventh grade. (And no shoes, because it’s a blog.)

8:18 p.m. This whole Britney’s-name-in-stripper-lights thing is probably the pinnacle of her career at this point, eh?

8:20 p.m. You know, not for nothing, but for all of MTV’s alleged “interactivity” this time out, wouldn’t they be streaming the actual broadcast? Or is information-free information like “Lauren from The Hills just arrived with Lo and Audrina. But where is Whitney?” really just the way to get people interested?

8:23 p.m. Is that Andrew Dice Clay???

8:24 p.m. Overheard: “Wait, that’s Common, that’s not Perez Hilton.”

8:25 p.m. Jennifer Garner has transformed into Kelly LeBrock.

8:25 p.m. “Who is the ideal audience for this?” “Rubbernecking bloggers.“

8:26 p.m. Oh my God, the Boys Like Girls guy that everyone e-made out with is wearing the Skid Row shirt that I wore to school in 1990.

8:27 p.m. “It’s been a great year for you guys … hope you enjoyed it, because you won’t ever see it again. You’ll want to keep all that shit in the swag bag, because you’ll need to sell it for money next year.”

8:30 p.m. 50 Cent is actually smiling! And of course, he’s excited to hear … himself.

8:31 p.m. Chevy presents the pre-show performance! In 30 seconds! Lil’ Wayne and Nicole Scherzinger! Anyone want to bet that Mary J. singing for Chevy will be a lot more enjoyable?

8:33 p.m. So we’re going to see a Nicole Scherzinger-led remake of Flashdance sometime next year, then.

8:34 p.m. I don’t even remember what the name of this song is, but I do know that it’s a weak attempt to recapture the magic of “Ring The Alarm,” but a lot less sexy. Also, the booties? Not hot. Lil’ Wayne is really way better than this, Twitter boringness be damned.

8:35 p.m. Joe: “I hope this is the first of 15 Lil’ Wayne run-ins all night.” Jess: “Did he borrow Hell Rell’s teeth?” Maggie: “I know it doesn’t matter, but she’s not even that good of a dancer.”

8:36 p.m. Joe: “I hope at some point tonight, John Norris becomes unstuck in time and says, ‘That was an amazing performance from Bell Biv Devoe!’ ”

8:39 p.m. Why is there an anti-aging cream ad on this broadcast? Did the target demo shift while I was thinking about when I’d go to the bathroom?

8:41 p.m. Paris Hilton has transformed into Lovey from Gilligan’s Island.

8:41 p.m. Jess: “What kind of world have we woken up in where Ludacris is the classiest guy int he room?”

8:42 p.m. I have flipped Jess off for the tenth time this evening.

8:43 p.m. All of the shaved-into-the-head designs tonight have inspired Jess to grow out his hair and shave IDOLATOR.COM into the back of his head. Rick Rubin: Call your viral-marketing department’s office!

8:45 p.m. The split-screen on this is ridiculous. Also, The Kingdom has been on the shelf for about two years. It smells like a stinker.

8:47 p.m. Hey, look, it’s an ad forThe Kingdom! What a coincidence!

8:49 p.m. The wittily named “Jackpot or Jack-Not” feature! And now … oh God, Paris Hilton. Who is shooting a “film.” And who has the same haircut as John Norris.

8:50 p.m. How is a leopard-print dress “unique”? Does Sway not visit the West Side Highway often?

8:51 p.m. Sway just told Paris Hilton to enjoy her freedom. Why do they hate us, II?

8:51 p.m. The Sam’s Town makeover that Panic! At The Disco undergoes continues. Where are the top hats???

8:52 p.m. Look! Kenna is finally getting MTV airtime! Unfortunately, he is in the Patrick Stump “don’t speak” seat.

8:53 p.m. The ad just used the phrase “VMA widget.” This is so One-And-A-Halfth Life.

8:55 p.m. There is not enough prosecco in the world to make this better, and the show hasn’t started yet. But as Jess pointed out, the fact that there are five minutes to showtime means that there’s still time for a comet to crash into New York City!

8:57 p.m. The Foo Fighters have saved the show for the over-30 demographic by planning on covering the Dead Kennedys and “Darling Nikki.” Thanks for giving one over to the old folks, MTV!

8:59 p.m. One minute to showtime! Oh my God you guys!

9:00 p.m. Britney has cleaned up her ad, and the blogs are a-buzzin’, and that was so not the Idolator shoutout I was waiting for.

9:00 p.m. Oh she can’t even lip-sync right. And her hair. And she’s wearing a sequined bikini. And she looks like, to quote Kate, “a stripper in east Texas or something.”

9:00 p.m. She looks so fucking bored. And like she’s half-dancing.

9:01 p.m. Jess: “I appreciate the ‘Cold Hearted’ motif they have going on here.”

9:01 p.m. God, they should really just keep this a long shot for the rest of this. She looks completely out of it. This is so sad.

9:01 p.m. Even Diddy looks bored.

9:02 p.m. Long shots, MTV.

9:02 p.m. 50 Cent: “I didn’t go on first for this?”

9:03 p.m. OK, when Rihanna is laughing at you, you know … oh, Britney. Everyone is totally applauding awkwardly, not sure of what to do. Oh, honey.

9:04 p.m. Sarah Silverman is bombing too! Oh my God this whole night is going to be me laughing at people not laughing!

9:05 p.m. Someone just heckled Sarah Silverman: “You’re ugly!”

9:06 p.m. Maggie: “She seems off, too. Maybe there’s carbon monoxide in the room?”

9:06 p.m. SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB THAT IS THIS SHOW. Sarah Silverman just made a diarrhea joke. Oh my God.

9:08 p.m. And now there’s a ska band playing!

9:09 p.m. Alicia Keys apparently thought that she was supposed to be at the Ms. Universe competition tonight.

9:10 p.m. Now it’s time to cut to 10 seconds of people actually playing music!

9:11 p.m. Pete Wentz’s mic was off when he was talking about his party. How many people are losing their jobs tomorrow, for real?

9:12 p.m. Hey, an award presented by two people who can’t read off the teleprompter because they’re drunk! And your Monster Single Of The Year is …

9:13 p.m. “Umbrella.” Which beat out a slate that apparently consisted of MTV’s entire playlist from the year 2007.

9:14 p.m. This Kanye West performance looks like an episode of Club MTV where the lighting tech quit right before the show started.

9:16 p.m. On the bright side, this show is going to inspire about 80 Idolator posts this week that will bemoan, in no particular order, the state of the industry, the out-of-touchness of MTV, and the utterly fucked state that music is in right now if it thinks that this utterly self-congratulatory, ill-thought-out show will inspire anyone beyond the sniping trainwreck-watchers who love to pile on shit like this to actually care about it. So–thanks, guys! (I think.)

9:20 p.m. Maggie: “Britney wants a do-over.” Jess: “I can just see her apologizing in that drunk voice backstage. ‘Did I do OK? Did I do OK?’ “

9:21 p.m. Hey, look, it’s Aziz from Human Giant! He’s probably there to make a Peter Bjorn & John joke.

9:23 p.m. Half the room is now whistling “Young Folks.”

9:24 p.m. Bono gets “quadruple threat” credit for guest editing Vanity Fair. I give up. And Kanye West is a “social activist” because of his Bush comment.

9:24 p.m. Justin Timberlake just asked MTV to play more videos. Because he is rolling.

9:25 p.m. Wait and now it’s Fall Out Boy! With these really awkward camera angles and maybe half the song and I guess you actually have to go to the Internet to see the whole thing. Because God forbid this whole thing be about music, right?

9:26 p.m. Lil’ Wayne and Fall Out Boy are coming up, even though Fall Out Boy just trashed their set. This is what happens when you don’t rehearse, right?

9:27 p.m. We are 25% of the way through, and I already want to … I don’t even know. Drink more, I guess.

9:32 p.m. The Foo Fighters’ cellist: I don’t even think it could count as the “vestigial tail” of the evening, because that’s probably better suited to referring to music being on MTV.

9:32 p.m. Five people just asked me when Pat Smear rejoined the Foo Fighters.

9:33 p.m. The Rolling Stone cover re-enacted! Mutely.

9:34 p.m. The most earth-shattering collaboration of the year is … a song that sounds like a ringtone. That, ladies and gentlemen, is where we are in the music industry in 2007. Bring on the ringles!

9:36 p.m. Jess on Adam Levine: “Is that Dave Gahan?”

9:37 p.m. I’m gonna say, though, that I really like “Wake Up Call.”

9:38 p.m. Also: Someone needs to bring me some more prosecco as soon as possible.

9:38 p.m. Also: Are all the non-music celebrities on this show Neutrogena spokesladies?

9:40 p.m. This whole show, including the ads, is like an S.O.S. scrawl into a beach on a deserted island: “WORLD OUT OF IDEAS. PLEASE SEND HELP.”

9:41 p.m. T.I.! Can we just watch T.I. until 11 p.m.? Please?

9:43 p.m. Chris Brown gets his own showcase! Between this and the Grammy performance, he’s really greasing some well-placed palms. At least he’s bringing some Charlie Chaplin-meets-’N Sync panache to it, but really, why do people want this dude to be a star so badly?

9:45 p.m. OK so not to take away from Chris Brown, but … what exactly did Criss Angel supply to the Britney performance? Did he make her charisma magically disappear?

9:46 p.m. Chris Brown is playing Frogger on the tables. And now, Rihanna is joining Patrick Stump in the pantheon of “people who are actually singing their songs” this evening. Also? “Umbrella” is still undeniable, even after four months. An eternity in pop time, sure, but I even like the “Cinderella” remix that this is going to segue into in like a second.

9:48 p.m. OH PLEASE BRING OUT MICHAEL JACKSON. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.

9:49 p.m. Look, I know that the attention span of America has been destroyed by a consistent diet of blipverts and ads and Internet but can we just hear one song in full? Also, not for nothing but Michael Jackson would have been a bigger surprise than Rihanna, who was like NOMINATED and who was ON THE RED CARPET and who … oh God forget it, why am I bothering even ranting like this when they aren’t paying me.

9:50 p.m. Maggie: “Has MTV done a Jem movie yet?”

9:50 p.m. Jess’ mom chimes in: “I just got off the phone with my boyfriend, I thought he could possibly help [come up with something funny to say]. But, there is nothing that can help us here.”

9:52 p.m. If this terrible cover of “Dream On” somehow becomes a hit I quit. To the point where I give up my ears.

9:53 p.m. So as all our commenters are pointing out, the suite performances are all happening while it’s dark outside, even though it’s only 6:53 p.m. in Vegas. So when were they all taped? And why is this such a shitshow if these were all pre-recorded?

9:55 p.m. Wow, MTV just does not give a shit about this show at all, does it?

9:56 p.m. Now Timbaland has run down from “his suite” to accept Justin Timberlake’s award.

9:58 p.m. Justin: “I think music is in a great place right now.” Yeah, maybe because you’re making money off of it. “We don’t wanna see The Simpsons on reality television.” Wait, do you mean the Ashlee and Jessica Simpsons? Because I mean Pete Wentz is going to kick your ass if that’s the case.

9:59 p.m. Cee-Lo and the Foo Fighters are performing. I really hope that the next hour of this isn’t me just typing “Good Christ, what the mother of fuck is going on?” over and over again, but … oh my God the Tila Tequila show is being advertised now. You guys. Uncle? Seriously? Help?

10:01 p.m. You are all watching a woman get broken down, readers. It’s systematic and it may result in me actually craving a Fourth Meal.

10:04 p.m. And in the spirit of tonight’s completely uninspired show, here’s the lamest cash-in song of the year, “Ayo Technology.” Anyone want to give me a copy of MacMame so I can play Punch-Out?

10:05 p.m. The whole room has been rendered silent. No one is giving me the quippy goodness they were even 30 minutes ago. Insert frowny face here.

10:06 p.m. Jess is so desperate for a real song, he would have listened to all of “Ayo Technology.”

10:07 p.m. This show is such a disappointment, Joe–the biggest Indiana Jones nerd you will ever know–is disappointed by the Indiana Jones title.

10:08 p.m. Jess: “If Fergie wins, I will go stick my head in the toilet.” And oh my God, he just went into the bathroom and slammed the door.

10:08 p.m. A dispatch from Jess’ mom:
JessMomLuvsLuther (10:08:31 PM): Okay that is it….FUCK IT! Fergie!
JessMomLuvsLuther (10:10:06 PM): I am drunk now….I am enduring this torture for you!

10:10 p.m. “Good Life”: Still a pretty great song. The “P.Y.T.” sample is just so expert, T-Pain be damned.

10:10 p.m. Joe: “I think the whole subhead for this show should be ‘Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down.’” Kate: “Maybe if Fall Out Boy can perform that song, it would save the show.”

10:11 p.m. Kate: “Oh, I know those stairs. I’ve been there in the virtual world.”

10:14 p.m. Maggie: “You know, the Army is looking better and better right now.”

10:15 p.m. There is not enough prosecco in the world for me to get through the next 45 minutes.

10:16 p.m. This ad for Power Tour: Electric Guitar is using Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law,” which is just making me wish that the Beavis And Butt-Head era would swoop back in and wake us up from this awful, awful dream. And did I mention that I saw Idiocracythe other night, and this show is pretty much proof positive that it was a semi-documentary?

10:17 p.m. Lil’ Wayne and Fall Out Boy. Well everyone, it’s been fun, but the Internet is going to break in about 30 seconds.

10:20 p.m. An IM from a friend: “who’s next? John Turturro? Megatron?”

10:20 p.m. Joe: “Next year, the show should just be hosted by an iPhone.”

10:20 p.m. And in a sop to the records that actually sell, here’s Linkin Park. Can’t wait for the Nickelback run-in scheduled for 10:45!

10:21 p.m. Out of every band to get a full song, MTV picks … Linkin Park. Even though you can hear Chester Bennington’s nodes growing with every note that he growls.

10:24 p.m. Fall Out Boy wins best group! No one can see anyone. Why is the Gym Class Heroes guy getting to talk? An opportunity lost.

10:25 p.m. Serj from System Of A Down is singing “Holiday In Cambodia”! And … they’re cutting away, of course. Man, fuck this. Seriously.

10:30 p.m. OK it’s Fall Out Boy backing Rihanna on “Shut Up And Drive” and this might be the first watchable moment of the evening.

10:32 p.m. And … they cut away. So many frowny faces, you guys!

10:33 p.m. Hey, everybody–remember Nelly?

10:34 p.m. Alicia Keys is totally trying to channel Mary J. Blige. Michaela is very into her shoes, though.

10:36 p.m. OH MY GOD ALICIA KEYS IS SINGING “FREEDOM ’90″ AND WHERE IS GEORGE MICHAEL SERIOUSLY.

10:37 p.m. I’m gonna be a bitch and say it: My karaoke is better than this bullshit. (Also, my cable just froze.)

10:38 p.m. Joe has relented on the Indiana Jones title, in part because of a Zork connection. But can it redeem the night?

10:42 p.m. BLEEPWATCH XVIII: MTV bleeped “loaded gun” from “Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down.”

10:44 p.m. I’d rather just have everyone cover Jermaine Stewart for the rest of the night, really.

10:46 p.m. You know, if Jamie Foxx wanted to promote his movie, he could have covered himself in duct tape with an ad. Just saying.

10:49 p.m. Joe just threw a bag of papadum chips at the stupid Miss South Carolina chick. Poor chips.

10:50 p.m. IT’S NOT A SECRET IF YOU’VE PUT IT ON YOUR FUCKING MYSPACE BLOG TILA. YOU’RE NOT INTERESTING. AND YES I AM SO CLOSE TO WRITING THE REST OF THIS BLOG IN ALL-CAPS BECAUSE I’M JUST THAT FUCKING READY TO JUMP OUT THE WINDOW.

10:54 p.m. It’s almost over!!!!

10:55 p.m. I would stop you, Smiths-covering Mark Ronson protege. But I am three time zones away.

10:56 p.m. Mary J. Blige introduces Dr. Dre. Is Detox actually coming out??????

10:57 p.m. Holy crap, Dr. Dre has been working out!

10:58 p.m. IM from a friend: “dre swallowed barry bonds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

10:59 p.m. And “Umbrella” is your video of the year, even though Rihanna, you know, wasn’t really on toe shoes in the clip. Just saying.

11:01 p.m. Foo Fighters, Mastodon, and Josh Homme. Are they covering “Jesus Christ Pose”? I wish.

11:02 p.m. Wait … that’s it?

11:04 p.m. No, wait, it’s not over! We’re all invited to a party on the 32nd floor! Maybe Kate can go there in the E-world.

11:05 p.m. It’s a performance of “Do It” with the newly blonde Nelly Furtado, a song that has nothing to do with the VMAs at all.

11:06 p.m. The camera isn’t focused. Guess that open bar extended to the tech crew! I’d be offended but it’s actually kinda nice that they gave the plebes some extra scratch.

11:07 p.m. Joe: “Wow, Timbaland is pretty ripped!”
Me: “Yeah, he goes to the gym. Did you not read his Twitter?”

11:08 p.m. When does the reanimated corpse of Aaliyah come out?

11:08 p.m. Joe: “Is this the finale or the postscript?”

11:09 p.m. Come on. ‘N Sync reunion. It needs to happen now.

11:10 p.m. Joe: “This is like ‘rich people having fun and being drunk while all of you poor people are at home and angry and being drunk.’ ”

11:12 p.m. It’s over. But it’s not, because there is afterparty coverage. Do I dare? Can someone come down from above and guide me on this point?

11:14 p.m. In case the snippets of performances that aired during the show weren’t short enough, here’s a bunch of shorter snippets!

11:17 p.m. Wait! THEY’RE SHOWING IT AGAIN! You’d think they’d at least cut out Britney totally botching her dance steps from the second airing.

11:19 p.m. Joe: “This is the least erotic thing I’ve ever seen. And that includes stuff on the Food Network.”

11:20 p.m. Seriously, watching this a second time is just even more depressing. Especially since MTV left in all the reaction shots.

11:22 p.m. Well, I didn’t want to watch Sarah Silverman again, so we’re done. (Jess is actually on the verge of physically tearing me away from my computer, so I should probably listen.) Lessons from tonight: Britney Spears is never going to have a comeback, Sarah Silverman’s unfunniness is pretty much a given, Rihanna is great, MTV’s confusion isn’t restricted to its digital strategy, Nelly Furtado should dye her hair back, Dave Grohl exists to give old people like me and Jess an excuse to actually pay attention to pop culture, and everyone should give Patrick Stump a chance to talk on-mic more often. (Seriously, why was Travis accepting Fall Out Boy’s Best Group award? Hello?) And I’m going out to drink more prosecco now, because the five bottles I had in my apartment clearly weren’t enough to wash away the totally clusterfucky pain of tonight.