A few weeks ago at the mtvU Woodies, two members of The Academy Is… expressed their stern disapproval of the lewd, but good-natured bandom fan-fic scene to me. Luckily for the emo softcore literati, Cobra Starship bassist Alex Suarez is game, if a little confused as to why he’s so often emasculated in their stories.

Even though I should have learned from my very first go-round with this topic to never make assumptions, I’ll go ahead and speculate that a lot of the people writing these stories have some faint hope that the musicians featured in their appallingly unsexy sex scenes will read them and appreciate that someone cares enough to imagine them in a library getting a BJ from Patrick Stump. But Suarez’s comment at the beginning of the video is probably the most accurate representation of how most of these dudes feel about it: “What’s that stuff called…fan…? Fan fiction!”

Suarez goes on to describe a story he’s read in which he and impish Panic! At the Disco guitarist Ryan Ross go at it in a bunk bed, with Alex on “bitch” duty. He can’t seem to fathom why the bandom community thinks he’s so femme, while the rest of the world is simply confused as to why anyone would write a story about the Cobra Starship bassist.