Drafted for a side gig as a freelance campaign advisor, the evil one lays out his vision for politicking the Simon Cowell way: act like an asshole; disdain “political correctness” (which seems to be Cowell-speak for “don’t worry about acting like an asshole”); have a steady stream of veiled, bitchy references about the drug habits and body image concerns of your co-judges opponents at the ready; learn effective ways for reducing 17-year-old girls to tears on national TV (because Huckabee’s totally a weeper when backed into a corner, you just know it); act like an asshole; and remember that a little embarrassing YouTubery can “humanize” even the most vile of God’s creatures.

FRANK: Could you take a politician who has a certain star power and market them through a record deal or a reality TV show?

A: Well, I heard Bill Clinton play the saxophone once. I’m not sure either they or I would want to do anything like that. I think they’ve got enough to keep them busy. Having said that, look, if you’ve got charisma, anything is possible. Now mind you, who did I see recently dancing and rapping.

FRANK: Was it Karl Rove?

A: Karl Rove. Brilliant.

FRANK: I believe he called himself ‘MC Rove.’

A: ‘MC Rove.’ And people loved that. I really liked him for doing that. He showed himself to be a human being. Good luck to him.

Terrible taste in dumb Internet memes, looks for the cuddly underbelly of Karl Rove… the man just proves himself more diabolical every day.

Simon’s Advice To The Canidates [Show Tracker]