Oh noes! Eminem is fat! Supposedly! And true or not, this is still America and it cannot stand! We can’t have our pop stars, even the reclusive aging kind, walking around with a even teeny paunches hanging over their droopy drawers. That’s why the evil shake shills at Slim-Fast have stepped in to make everything better again for “Slim-Fast Shady.” (Ha ha! I get it!) And what advice does the company have for Em when it comes to righting his unhealthy lifestyle? Unsurprisingly, it involves eating right, exercise, and whoring himself for Slim-Fast.
“Slim-Fast is a program that can really work for someone like Eminem; it’s a doable and flexible approach,” a spokesperson tells OK!. “Slim-fast would love to offer Eminem product and assistance to help him become a potential S-F success story.”
Here’s the plan:
Breakfast: Slim·Fast Optima Cappuccino Delight shake; plus a banana
Snack: Slim·Fast Optima Blueberry Muffin Bar and an apple or pear
Lunch: Combine a Slim·Fast Optima French Vanilla shake with ½ roast beef sandwich + piece of fruit
Snack: ¼ cup of hummus with 1 cup baby carrots and 2 sticks of low-fat string cheese
Dinner: Garden salad with fat-free dressing; barbequed chicken with veggies and wild rice; strawberries with 1/2 cup fat-free frozen yogurt
Snack: Mini bag of popcorn
Drinks: 8+ glasses of calorie free beverages, preferably water
You know, everyone is LOL’ing over this because it’s Eminem, and it’s probably balancing some sort of sad cosmic-scale karma shit that for a change it’s a man being hounded over his slight fluctuations in mass by the gossip rags and their fucked-up body image politics. But at this point, Em should get even fatter just to spite everyone involved. Own it, man. Take back your gut.
Slim Fast Shady [OK!]
I think he should give a fat transfusion to Amy Winehouse.
Put him on the Ann Wilson diet!
Slim Fast is nasty. No diet is worth, pardon me, passing fiber that bad. The only thing he’ll work out is his colon.
He needs to either lose 30 pounds or gain 60 if he ever wants to be on TV again.
It appears his current choices are to be the next Elvis or the next Valerie Bertinelli. Ball’s in your court, Em.
Time to exert a little will power. Hal Jordan!
He should be glad he’s still famous enough where Celebrity Fit Club isn’t his only option.
There’s a candy company that stands to profit from his continued weight gain. I can’t think of their name, but they make these tiny little chocolates wrapped in candy shells that melt in your mouth, but amazingly, not in your hand…
Man, there goes his writer’s block.
Expect a scathing “Mommy’s-A-Drugged-Out-Fucking-Liar”/Slim Fast diss-track to kick off the next album.
Or, just do a bunch of blow for a few weeks. Then endorse Huckabee with some more pro wrestlers.
What’s my name?
If he can’t be Monique fat, he needs to be Teri Hatcher thin.