Last night’s American Idol took place in Ryan Seacrest’s hometown of Atlanta, which prompted his parents to show up. I wonder if the producers made Mama and Papa Seacrest learn the words to Fergie’s “Glamorous,” the richness-glorifying lyrics of which I guess were supposed to distract people from the recession talk lurking underneath every other network’s Super Tuesday coverage.
Yes, for some reason every auditioner was given “Glamorous” as their “we’re going to stitch these performances together and make it hilarious” song, perhaps because Fergie’s vocal prowess is equal to that of last year’s mentors Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Lopez. The montage was full of the usual gang of melody- and rhythm-challenged idiots, and it ended with an Asian girl who couldn’t quite pronounce the lyrics’ letter “l”s. I was just surprised that her botched singing wasn’t followed up by that completely offensive panda ad from the Super Bowl.
THE WINNERS: A total of 20 people made it through to Hollywood, including Brooke Helvie, a former Miss South Florida Fair who talked about kissing pigs, screamed when she got her golden ticket, and is probably the producers’ attempt to bring the magic of Miss South Carolina to the Idol stage; A’siah Epperson, who came from a poor family and who broke down as she sang “How Do I Live” because she’d recently lost her father; Joshua Jones, a glasscutter who somehow got through despite his having to sing with his back to the judges because his crazy eyes creeped Simon out; and Alex Lushington, who brought along what seemed to be her 40-person family.
THE WORST AUDITION SONG EVER? Constantine Maroulisy teenager Nathan Hite auditioned with Finger Eleven’s “Paralyzer,” a song that’s an Idolator favorite but one that does not work well at all in the context of an audition–its monotonous chorus means that it really needs the jocked-up Franz Ferdinand swirl around it in order to make it work. Props to Nathan, though, for telling Simon that his insults needed a little brushing up. Haven’t we all felt that way this season?
THE WORST BACKSTORY EVER: This is how you know the producers were low on material: They put through a guy whose claim to “fame” was auditioning two people behind Carrie Underwood a few seasons back. Maybe next season we’ll get to see the return of the person in between them! Dare to dream!
HARDEST-LUCK CONTESTANT: It would have to be Josiah Leming, who’s been living in his car for the past 10 months, playing shows “wherever the wind blows.” While he refused to call himself homeless, he did tear up when he thought about how lonely his life was, even with his meeting people all over the country while chasing his musical dream. He performed an original song called “To Run,” which shows that his biggest influences vocally can be spelled with the letters “e,” “m,” and “o.” (Somehow Simon heard a British accent in his voice, although maybe he just hasn’t ever trawled the more guylinery sides of MySpace lately.) And he made it through, although maybe if Hollywood Week doesn’t work out he can get signed by Ultragrrrl.
MOST ILL-ADVISED TACTIC FOR “STANDING OUT”: Eva Miller’s hand-waving, all-over-the-map rendition of “A Thousand Miles” was so animated that it caused her number to fall off her dress… and then she slipped on her number, splaying herself all over the audition platform. Her Minnie Mousey polka-dot halter dress was super cute, though. I wonder where I can get one?
PAULA ABDUL OUT-OF-IT SCALE: 2/10. She cried after A’siah told the story about her father dying, but hey, I felt a tug at my heartstrings too.
Josiah’s song “To Run” sounded nothing like emo to me. I thought it sounded like an unfinished Snow Parol track discarded after an all-night studio session. In fact, I’m pretty sure Snow Patrol has a song called “To Run.”
@extracrispy: i dunno, his vocals were totally sensitive myspace kid … like the secondhand serenade sort of ilk.
@Maura Johnston: Yeah, I thought it was more Ben Gibbard than Snow Patrol. I think the Patrol is as indie as Simon gets, though.
Oh the irony, how the theme song of the night was an autobiographical number about a girl know much more for her obscene lack of clothing, her ‘humps’, and insipid lyrics (e.g. ‘The Flossy Flossaaay’) than her musical prowess.
American Idle/I-dull continues to fascinate me in the same way Britney does…a full-on celebration of stupidity, dumbed down even further for the masses.
Can’t wait for tonight’s ep!
In all fairness to Fergie Ferg, however, the girl does have quite a set of pipes. I’ll take her over Xtina or B anyday
@HONEYBFLY: Huhwha? Fergie can’t sing at all. Have you never read all the Fergie hate on this site?
You’re gonna get banned with talk like that.
Ok, perhaps I should clarify. When I said Fergie has a ‘set of pipes’, I didn’t at all mean to imply that her music was even remotely tolerable. It is not.
In fact, few singers IMO rise to the level of heinous that is Fergie. However, if you look at what is current in pop music today in the way of female ‘vocalists’, I find both Xtina’s vocal-chord-shredding-melisma-thing and Beyonce’s, well, whatever you could even call it, to be the absolute bottom of the barrel. To say Fergie’s music is one step above X or B is like saying Paula Abdul is slightly more intelligent than Paris Hilton or an Olsen.
That’s all I’m saying….
Ok, well, your Olsen/Abdul comparison sorta makes sense, but in the opposite way you meant.
Xtina and Beyonce are both much, much better than Fergie, and I’d hazard a guess that the marketing geniuses (and billionaires) that are the Olsen twins are much smarter than the prescription drug addled Abdul.
While all 3 are indeed awful, I find Ferg’s solo material slightly more listenable than Back to Basics or the horrific monster that is B-day. X and B are better “singers” than Fergie but there is no excuse for 2 talents of that level to release such wretched excuses of an album. All 3 are lousy hacks but at least Ferg doesn’t see herself as the ‘arteeste’ that X and B do. Those 2 swear they’re aiming for some ‘higher level’ of pop music, which is just a piss-poor excuse for not wanting to find a day job.
Don’t get me wrong…I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate Fergie. But I am just so anti X and B at the moment, I’ll take just about anything over them. That being said, ‘Stripped’ is one of the finer moments in recent pop music history.