In a deep, dark corner of the Internet that, if it were a tangible location, might look somewhat like a Hobbit hole, people write stories about musicians fondling each other. Musicians like Gerard Way, Patrick Stump, and Pete Wentz, who might typically be called emo, but since I’ve had it up to here with that word, will henceforth be known as Those Dudes. In November this community–known as Bandom (or Bandslash)–announced its first-annual awards to honor the best Bandom writing of ‘07. The awards, which were determined through a month of nominating, voting, and gushing praise in the comments sections, were organized on a LiveJournal group that will not be linked to here because Idolator has crossed this clan before, and it wasn’t pretty. But trust me, it exists. And it is chock full of sexually explicit YA lit featuring all your favorite Dudes doing unmentionable deeds.
Last go-round with the Bandom folks there was some controversy about my implication that most of the writers were sexually frustrated teens. As it turns out, many of the people in this community are grad students in their mid-to-late-twenties, mostly female, and, furthermore, determined to define Bandom as a feminist pursuit. But while the peculiar demographics of this genre are endlessly fascinating, what’s more important is the writing, which is strikingly uniform in its overwrought abuse of adjectives and aren’t-we-clever prose style. At first this baffled me, how so many people could be writing in such rigid stylistic lockstep. But after a while I began to realize that these stories are simply the literary manifestation of the pop-emo mentality. The single defining characteristic of Those Dudes’ music is its epicness. It’s all soaring guitars and grandiose proclamations delivered with an irksome twinge of irony. What the Bandom community has done is to simply capture this essence and infuse it into their literotica. For example:
There’s a cough that echoes from the top of the steps. Ryan turns and sees a dark-haired boy making his way down and stepping into the garishly yellow glow of the streetlamp. His hand bangs on the metal banister with every step until he skips the last two.
“Hi.” He looks down at Ryan, who remembers that they’d passed on the staircase inside about two hours ago.
“Hi,” repeats Ryan.
“Brendon.” There’s a smile as he sits down on the bottom step, knocking Ryan’s knees slightly; a smile with straight, white teeth and an imperious mouth, one that gets imprinted into memory. He cups his hands around his lips and tilts his head. There’s a brief orange glow and a lazy stream of smoke as Brendon asks, “So, what are you here for?”
“Garishly yellow glow of the streetlamp” has to be the single most Creative Writing 101 phrase ever produced. But, then again, the lyrics “Oh don’t mind me I’m watching you two from the closet/Wishing to be the friction in your jeans/ Isn’t it messed up how I’m just dying to be him?/I’m just a notch in your bedpost, but you’re just a line in a song” (”Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down,” Fall Out Boy) and “What’s the worst to take from every heart you break?/And like a blade you’ll stain” (”Helena,” My Chemical Romance) aren’t exactly feats of subtlety. So it follows that devotees of this music would naturally tap into the general attitude and proclivity for theatrical language. The result is something like an uncomfortable mixture of spunky young adult prose and hardcore gay porn. (And they wonder why people think they’re pretty odd!) So in honor of the Bandom Awards I’ve come up with a few categories of my own to honor the genre’s most awkward excerpts.
Most Uncomfortable Sex Scene
“Maybe we can’t fuck, but I can still make you see stars, Patrick Stump. Close your eyes.”
The scent of mint and green tea grows stronger again, and Patrick feels Jon wrap his hand around his cock, spreading the thick, cold liquid high and low and coating all of him, tip to the base of his sac. He does the same to himself, hand slippery against ass cheeks, and then slowly pushes himself between Patrick’s thighs. Patrick gasps as Jon starts to move, the head of his cock brushing along the underside of Patrick’s balls with the first few thrusts, then pressing up a little with each pass, stroking along his perineum, better rhythm. When Jon takes Patrick’s cock in his hand again and starts to stroke and twist Patrick leans his head forward to rest against the cool of the glass. His free hand follows, palm and forearm against the smooth surface, Patrick desperately trying to quieten the sounds he’s making.
He stops trying when Jon starts to talk again; words occasionally halted for sharp breaths and moans of his own, whispering about how amazing Patrick looks in the lights from outside and how his voice makes him harder than he could ever believe and wanting to set the skyline on fire for him and just how long he’s waited for them to be this close. Patrick comes first, eyes open wide and gasping for air and just managing to say Jon’s name as he empties into his hand. Jon shifts a little, moves down, thrusting a few more times into the tighter space between Patrick’s thighs, and then comes hard, “Patrick, Patrick, ‘Trick,” spilling out of his mouth between a groan and something that sounds like it might just be pain.
Runner-up
Pete licked up the length of Patrick’s cock and wrapped his mouth around it again, and Patrick realized, no wait, that was the sexiest thing he’d ever seen.
As Pete worked his mouth and hand together, Patrick reached out, grasping onto his guitar case with one hand and the sheets with the other, as if he might fall off the Earth if he didn’t hold on. His vision was blurry, and he was making unfamiliar noises in the back of his throat, and he knew he couldn’t last for long.
“Pete.” Patrick reached down and grabbed his shoulder. “Pete.”
Pete pulled back long enough to look up and say, “It’s okay; you can come in my mouth,” before returning to his work, and the words alone were enough to push Patrick over the edge. His body bucked forward, his hand clenched on Pete’s shoulder, as he moaned until he thought he was might start choking.
As Patrick lay on his back and tried to catch his breath, Pete moved up to face him, settled down beside Patrick’s body, and whispered, “I like how you taste.”
Best Implication of a Troubled Childhood and/or Substance Abuse Problem
It’s a question that usually irks Ryan to all hell, but there’s something about all this that’s slightly comforting, like the alcohol-tinged breath of a parent whispering good night.
Runner-up
Pete was supposed to stop by Patrick’s house sometime on Saturday, but Patrick was so busy listening to his new music that he almost forgot. Then his older brother called, and it was the first time in two weeks that anyone had heard from him. After they hung up, Patrick was so wrapped up in replaying the conversation in his head, looking for signs that his brother was doing better, that he didn’t hear the doorbell until the third ring.
Most Confusing Paragraph When Taken Out of Context
Mikey didn’t remember a whole lot about being a cat except that it sucked a bit. Cats lacked the vocal chords to say “fuck you”. Although being petted had been nice. And sleeping curled up on a warm lap in a stream of sunlight. And being scratched behind the ears. Which he would never admit. Ever.
Runner-up
She’s wearing giant blue swim flippers on her feet, a lime green bathing suit, pink rain slicker snorkel and mask. Frank doesn’t much care about the color clash… but really. Flippers. Flippers she has clearly become accustomed to walking in. Her steps are high and slow, careful but practiced, none of the awkwardness Frank would expect. He’s not even thinking about the fact that she’s clenching a butterfly net in one hand and a spatula in the other.
Most Baffling Element
This is from a story about Frank Iero (from MCR) becoming the nanny for single dad Gerard Way’s young daughter. It’s an epic tale totaling a whopping 19,000 words, and this is scanned in with the text. I guess its purpose is to show-not-tell what happened when Frank went to the little girl’s school for a day, which is creative, but the level of detail is utterly confounding.
Dialog that Sounds Most Like a Conversation from The OC
A few days later Patrick spent the night at Pete’s house, where they alternated between writing music, making out, and watching the “V” miniseries on DVD.
“The fact that you own both V miniseries,” Patrick said as he tuned his acoustic guitar. “Automatically makes you a geek.”
Pete flipped open his blue notebook. “And the fact that you know there were two V miniseries, means you are right there with me.”
Runner-up
“I fucking love this shit.” The camera zooms in on Bruce Lee’s eyes as Ryan lifts his hat off and musses his hair a bit. He smells his fingers; Brendon leans over and smells them too.
“Bruce Lee would love you long time if you took a shower,” says Brendon, proffering a bag of popcorn and a carton of cigarettes.
Obviously to people who don’t “get it” (i.e. you, me, most everyone else in the world) this stuff is just plain weird. But I find that when you can manage to stifle your repulsed bewilderment it’s actually much more interesting to view it as something like Comic-Con or Polar Bear Clubs, both of which are entirely beyond my realm of understanding, but apparently make some people very happy. And at a time when the music industry is desperate to gain a foothold anywhere it’s kind of comforting to see that these bands are inspiring a passionate reaction. Maybe this is just another element of The New Model; even if the fanfic is free, you know these people have merch.
That is the first erotic fiction I have ever seen that mentions the word “perineum.” I always thought taint was sexier.
If your taste in eroticism is even nerdier still, fripperotic.blogspot.com is apparently your online resource for Robert Fripp erotic fan fics.
[community.livejournal.com]
Travelling Willburys fan fiction. A Roy Orbison orgasm probably sounds like the cry of a beluga whale.
“Garishly yellow glow of the streetlamp” has to be the single most Creative Writing 101 phrase ever produced.
Pretty close, but I found one recently that might be a little bit better for its sheer concision: “He nodded, wordlessly.”
The lady doth protest too much.
FYI this should article should come with a warning to gay men - for any article detailing Pete Wentz graphically involved in gay sex is just cause for AWB (At Work Boner).
Now I have to wait for it to go away before I get up to get my coffee refill. Thanks, Idolator.
This makes me proud to be a human being. I’m not being ironic.
@noamjamski: I can’t begin to describe how disturbing that idea is. And yet I have to wonder if the fanfic is as complex and surreal as his music…
@StuntKockSteeev: Now I am truly freaked out.
It is one thing to see female grad students writing about Pete Wentz or some really terrifying dude waxing poetic about Robert Fripp.
But an entire community devoted to the imagined homo-erotic overtones in the work of Tom Petty and Jeff Lynne? That is too much for even me.
Well played internet. Well played
I cant stop laughing–how does one go about finding more of this stuff? Do all musicians have these kinds of followers? I need more!!!
actually the feminist grad students are a relatively new addition. most of the fandom is teenagers, and they were there first, the older people came later. they’re sort of committed slashers who periodically switch media properties in search of something new to write about. i mean how many 20something women are going to listen to mcr of their own accord? they’re also the most vocal element when it comes to outside reporting on fanfic.
as for me, i’ll just be over here squirming and blushing. it’s good to laugh at yourself i guess, and to remember we are in public. and that’s… actually a really good point about the narrative style of fanfic mimicking the source material. i’ve always felt something about the source material defines the fandom, though never known what.
@kickingkeiko: You are brilliant. Seriously, thank you.
Could I ask you a few questions about this stuff out of pure sociological curiosity? If you’re willing, email me: kate AT idolator dot com
Also I love your commenter name.
noooo…. it’s bad enough we’re in this article. leave us to the wilds of the internets!
nooooo! it’s bad enough we’re in this article. leave us to frolic in the wilds of the internets!
Wait, no! Please!
@kaate: People involved in fandom, especially people who write fanfic, don’t tend to appreciate being “outted”. Just saying. You’ll have a hard time finding someone who’s willing to talk to you about it, especially after the tone in which you’ve written your previous pieces.
I’m sorry if I made fun–now please tell me how to find more!
@phaballa: Obviously fandom people aren’t going to be to keen on me, but what I write for Idolator and my own personal interests in internet culture aren’t necessarily in the same league. Also, just for the record…despite my seemingly nasty tone I handled you guys with kitten gloves on this post. I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it to you, but really think about what a less sympathetic evil exposer would have said.
As for outing, I purposefully did not link to the awards group or mention any LJ users by name so that they wouldn’t get harassed. But for the most part I think everyone kind of just has a good laugh and then continues to ignore bandom. So I wouldn’t worry about it too much in general.
@kaate: I’m not in bandom, so I’m not worried. You didn’t out anyone by name, this is true; but fandom as a whole doesn’t tend to enjoy being written about in the public sphere. Not that we can stop it, but you know–it’s going to be hard for you to find someone who will talk to you about it because we don’t like to make ourselves known in public.
Also, I don’t necessarily agree with reproducing other people’s works without their consent or acknowledgment, but I don’t know that they have any rights to say what’s done with their fic after it’s been posted. In fandom, quoting people’s writings without giving them credit is a highly wankable offense. So if your personal interests do veer towards bandslash for whatever reason, I’d be very careful if I were you. That sort of thing won’t be welcome in their community.
what the hell just happened here?! i can’t leave you kids alone for a minute!!!
These pieces should be filed under “things I can’t read at work”. I end up laughing so hard on the inside, that tears start rolling down my face. And thats because I know these people. Sadly, both the subjects AND the people that write this stuff. Its time to take a good hard look at my life :)
eh. i don’t see what everyone’s getting so het up about. no, i don’t really like being talked about like this, but idolator isn’t really a massively well known site, and hey, if you want a lot worse coverage of fanfic look at somethingawful. they’re experts in sneering at easy targets. bandom is getting nowhere near as much publicity as hp fandom. we’ve got way worse shit in this fandom than bad sex scenes and every fangirl here knows it. from what i can see the commenters are more horrified at the robert fripp erotica. so am i tbqh. ah fandom, if other people aren’t making us look bad, we can do it ourselves. this is why i ain’t talking to journos.
oh phabs, dearest phabs, “Also, I don’t necessarily agree with reproducing other people’s works without their consent or acknowledgment”??? ahahahaha. this is fanfic, this is what we do. please don’t get your panties in a bunch over us, god knows you’ve done enough of that already.
mole people! i think we should have a song. and not that shitty pirate shanty from strikethrough. now if you’ll excuse me, i’m getting back to gerard way: boy princess of the ocean. would you like to join me kate?
See I could really care less about strangers judging me by my shady ass hobby. I know it’s shady and I don’t care. I enjoy myself and have met people from all over the world who don’t think me strange, but I do care that reprints of fic are on Idolator because the likelihood of Pete Wentz stumbling into my journal are very thin (I don’t even write much slash but oh do I read it.) But the likelihood of him stumbling upon this site is infinitely more plausible and he nor do any of the other boys need to see this. It’s one thing to know people are writing porn about you and quite another to get a whole heaping eyeful of said porn. Poor dears. heh.
Wow, you people have some fucked up expectations of privacy. If you don’t want to risk Pete Wentz reading your erotic stories about him, make that shit friends only/put it in a private myspace group/correspond by email list. You know he probably googles himself obsessiveley, probably with the word “sexy” and “awards” outside the quotes, so it isn’t like he won’t run into it eventually. I just don’t buy the idea that you can have something you give out awards for but then act like it’s a crime if someone outside of it realizes it exists.
Bandomites: 1000% more sensitive than music bloggers. And that’s saying something.
I hate the internet.
@kaate: It’s kind of a running joke/conspiracy theory in some of the fandoms for Those Dudes that Pete Wentz knows about (and reads) the stories, and will make occasional comments that get the fangirls all worked up and writing more slash for his amusement.
@StuntKockSteeev: Ewwww, ewwww, ewwww.
And I thought the Goofus and Gallant slash over at [www.community.livejournal.com] was bad enough.
@kickingkeiko: Gold star. Gold fucking star. You sure you don’t want to email me? You seem like a riot.
As an MCR fan fic writer, I completely agree.
Haha the bandom people are starting to sound more and more like mole people!
Wentz and Those Dudes have known about the fanfic for ages. And even if he reads it here it’s not like he knows who wrote it/will care. I think posting the LJ names of the authors here on Idolator would have been much more wank than leaving them in uncredited anonymity.
Firstly, digging through a world that you neither understand nor like in order to post out-of-context excerpts with the sole purpose of mocking stories that people lovingly constructed — that’s not only cruel, but very sad. How much time did you waste on this post? Do you really think it makes you cool to mock writing that people get no profit or kudos from? (If you must, mock the published authors who generate fiction much, much worse than those quoted above and actually get paid for it.)
Secondly, a lot of people have weird hobbies. There are few hobbies that aren’t weird, in fact. Sit slumped in the dark, in front of a box for an hour or more to watch people you don’t know compete for a recording contract? Kinda weird. Risk your life by climbing up big rocks? Kinda weird. Knitting? Kinda weird.
My hobby is cheaper, more creatively stimulating and (IMO) more fun than any of those listed above. I get to write fiction about something that I love and have people enjoy that fiction. Sometimes I win awards, too. (What, my winning story at the bandom awards wasn’t worth mockery? Too bad.)
@StuntKockSteeev: Related horror: [www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk]
@kaate: Full disclosure: I’m one of the feminist twentysomethings of bandom.
And I noticed the kid gloves right away. This is probably the most sympathetic piece of “outside” attention fandom has gotten, at least in my memory. I don’t know why people are getting offended, you practically endorsed us. In a roundabout, dignity-preserving, I-still-think-they’re-fucking-weird way, of course.
I could probably soothe your sociological itchings, if you like. Email me at pete.wentz.at.my.baby@gmail. <— yes that’s real
I’m in agreement. Though it’s easy to agree when I don’t see me (or my alter ego) being quoted up there.
I don’t feel the need to get upset whether or not people know about this hobby or not; then again, I go by an alias. And if I ever publish something serious, I’ll probably go by an alias on that as well. Fun? Practice for my future career writing formulaic romance novels? Why not?
I do think whoever it was up there made a good point though… there’s a lot worse shit actually published in original fiction. Like everything else, the quality varies. *shrugs* It’s not everyone’s Venti Chai Latte.
@GayDrawer: pete.wentz.ATE.my.baby at gmail. Grargh.
@GayDrawer: Yay for feminists in bandom! Also nice to see people that are in their 20s (and older) involved in this.
That’s all for now.
@GayDrawer: don’t say i didn’t warn you if you make a fool of yourself/she turns out to be a fangirl with an agenda/the article you’ll be in is really mean/other unforeseen consequences happen.
kate, flattery gets you nowhere. except w/gaydrawer, apparently. and i think the main audience for anymore articles on this subject would be fandom, rather than anybody else, as they seem not to care that much. oh well, it’s more unique visitors isn’t it?
a lot of people are up in arms about this thing. which is stupid. Whoever wrote it practically endorsed us (even though they don’t really get it, but at least they say as much.)
It’s amusing to say the *very* least.
the thing is, most of us are aware of the fact that the bands know this stuff exists (some of them actively read it, [HELLO TOMRAD. also, PETE. We KNOW YOU READ THIS SHIT] even if only for giggles). What I think the person who posted it is missing, is that we aren’t actually writing about the rockstars we name.
We don’t know them personally, so we really can’t.
These are completely fictional characters with insecurities and personalities all their own. We borrow their names, faces, occupations (sometimes), and occasionally single out a personality quirk or acutal occurance to play up, elaborate, r fabricate. Not the same thing as writing the *real* Gerard Way fantasizing about his rhythm section…
Well, that goes for the majority of us anyway.
We don’t do this for them anyway. We do it for ourselves, for each other’s amusement. I could care less if Pete wetnz is googling his name and one of my stories pops up. That’s his own damn fault for not listening to Mikey Way.
why is everyone freaking out here? that’s my question.
@kickingkeiko: Actually it’s not an article or anything related to Idolator that I’m working on. Believe it or not I do exist outside of antagonizing fan culture on this site.
Could someone please explain why gay slash fiction is somehow feminist?
Also, this would be so much more interesting if I WERE “a fan girl with an agenda.” But I’m not. I’m a college student. I study cinema. I’ve never written fanfic, never had a livejournal. I do have a blog in case you’re curious as to my evil inner-workings: [averagethansmarterbear.blogspot.com]
My only agenda is that I want to interview some bandom people for a project I’m working on with a friend. Who’s also not a FGW/A. And the project isn’t an article. In fact, it would be physically impossible to quote someone for this project without their consent.
This seems totally harmless, endearing even but the whole concept, like most fan fiction still has an incredibly creepy feel to it.
OK, sorry, I’m kind of paranoid. But maybe you could have said it was for a project straight away? What kind of project is it?
mrstarhead, it’s not, just some people think because they’re feminists that everything they do is a feminist act. It’s kind of a meme that’s going round in fandom and has been for yours, but it’s hotly debated.
“In a deep, dark corner of the Internet”
Wouldn’t that be a Child Porn Site?
I’ll tell you what, Fan Fiction is usually written by 12-15 year olds and it helps in after school Creative Writing, Spelling , Grammar and Creativity. I don’t know what sites you were on, However most sites in force these rules and many of the kids have better spelling and vocabulary then most Adults. So instead of trying to cut down kids who are writing, Why don’t you go focus on Kids on Drugs or kids in gangs, ‘Cause at least these kids are honest and not being unproductive members of society, such as yourself.
And Most Teen Fan Fiction Sites Do Not allow profanity or explicit sex scenes as you described, So just because you found a Bad site dose not mean all are as bad as you show.