We all got hosed on those American Idol spoilers that leaked out yesterday with one exception: Danny Noriega did, in fact, sing “Tainted Love,” and he brought out the purple-streaked hair and a few well-placed hip bumps. (Perhaps he learned them from David Hernandez?) Last night’s show was sort of 1980s night, although a bunch of the songs picked were actually from decades all over the American Idol pop map. But hey, who needs specificity about dates when you’ve got one judge who thinks she’s living on Planet Zorg in the year 3.14? After the jump, my weekly ranking of last night’s top eight men, plus predictions about who’s going home.
1. Jason Castro. The more I think about his rendition of “Hallelujah” the more I think that it was a pretty ballsy performance in the American Idol context, especially with the way David Archuleta trilled and mugged his way through “Imagine” last week. I bet a lot of viewers last night thought, “I like this kid,” and that’s a quality that’ll take him much further than any stage-managing mother could.
2. Danny Noriega. Yes. Yes. He’s like Sanjaya with somewhat better vocals and a much, much higher self-awareness before the top 12 mania hits. I also give him extra points for mimicking Simon’s antler-wave (you know, the thing he does when he sticks his thumb near his ear and wiggles his fingers) in response to his critiques.
(Small gap here.)
3. David Cook. His nu-grunge version of Lionel Richie’s “Hello” was not my thing at all, but you could see the dollar signs in Simon Cowell’s eyes when the whole thing was said and done. Hello, Daughtry II… is it 19 Entertainment you’re looking for?
(Bigger gap here.)
4. David Hernandez. His performance was sorta forgettable, which he’s probably glad about given that every Internet-enabled person in America was looking for information on his stripper past yesterday, and which I’m very glad about because that Meat Loaf song is atrocious, but I’d like to thank our commenter Thierry for pointing out that Simon dared Randy to tell David “I like the way you strip to that” as the judges’ mics were going up post-song. (But wait, I thought the Idol powers that be didn’t read the blogs?) I’m bumping him up a bit because I actually felt a little bad for him once I realized that comment made it to air–he did look sorta shell-shocked during his judgment time, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t remember a single comment given to him.
5. Chikezie. Idol watchers on other blogs seemed irked that he trotted out “All The Woman I Need,” which he sang during his audition. Overall, his performance was somewhat weak, but I did get a bit tingly when he hit that falsetto note at the end.
6. David Archuleta. Two people IMed me last night to ask if David’s mother was picking his songs; last night David trotted out Phil Collins’ homeless-awareness song “Another Day In Paradise.” It came just one week after his (still not very good in my eyes!) showy rendition of “Imagine,” and that one-two punch opened the door for him to tell Simon, who cautioned David that he was getting to be kind of a Gloomy Gus, that he wanted to let people know that there were people out there who weren’t fortunate. Which is fine–noble, even!–but given that he’s being positioned as the out-and-out front-runner it’s hard not to see actions like this as somewhat insincere in a teacher’s-pet-wannabe sort of way. (Hey, David: If you really want to help, how about taking time off from your busy schedule of televised singing competitions to volunteer in a soup kitchen?) I know he’s Mormon and has to go on some sort of mission once he turns 18, but I think what this kid really needs is a year-long bender of reading books that aren’t about the process of becoming a star. And no cameras.
7. Michael Johns. “Don’t You Forget About Me” may be a prom favorite worldwide, but a) it’s not by INXS, as Randy apparently believes is the case with every song Michael sings; and b) you never realize how good Jim Kerr’s voice was until you hear someone else try and replicate it. (Same goes for “Alive And Kicking,” which I have had the distinct displeasure of hearing other people try at karaoke. Eep.)
(Freddie Mercury-vocal-range-sized gap here.)
8. Luke Menard. The limpest version of “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” ever performed. If he sticks around next week there’s definitely some sort of shadowy a cappella Mafia out there.
WHO’S GOING HOME: Luke and probably Chikezie, unless enough people realize that “Don’t You Forget About Me” is not, in fact, an INXS song.
PAULA ABDUL OUT-OF-IT SCALE: 8.5/10. Whoa, what happened to Paula? She was half-finishing sentences, talking about David Archuleta’s imperfections making him perfect, and daydreaming about George Michael’s shorts. Did someone give her the extra-caffeinated Coke or what?
[Photo: rickey.org]
Oh how I love Danny Noriega. He may be the gayest thing on television right now, including “Project Runway.”
I’m in the same position I was last year with Sanjaya in that I’m praying for him to make the final 10, if only so I can see him flame up the stage on the summer tour.
There is, in fact, very much a shadowy a cappella Mafia, but whether they rally to this cause or resent that he’s there and they’re not remains to be seen.
@raihala:
One of the best moments of last night’s show was Paula basically congratulating him on being “out and proud” on national television without actually saying so. I think her words were “Spicy and Sensitive (?)” or something along those lines. This moment was of course second to her declaring last night’s show to be, in two words “PHE! NOMENAL!” and then nearly falling to what appeared to be her death [also known to you and me as sitting down in a chair] as Simon attempted to both sit and calm her happy go lucky ass down. Good times.
@Diglett: How else to explain the Nylons’ career?
@raihala: I love him for being such a bitchy little Pocket Gay … and I’m hoping that he’ll dirty up David A.’s little mind, get him away from being all goody-two-shoes.
@extracrispy: I agree with you on Michael’s staying around because the girls like/love/lust after him and that accent. It’s probably one of the few things he has going for him - especially after last night.
@Tauwan: I didn’t catch that at all. And honestly, I don’t think Paula had the capacity last night to winkingly congratulate someone for anything, much less their sexuality.
Is Danny really “out and proud?” We all know he’s gayer than Christmas, but has he actually publicly acknowledged it? It seems like he was carefully choosing his words in that embarrassing moments segment. Who the fuck says “my crush” anymore? Why didn’t he just say “a boy I like?”
I’m not dissing him… it could very well be the Idol producers encouraging/forcing him to take the Clay Aiken route. But I’m hesitant to call him out and proud yet.
I think Danny is about as out as he is currently allowed, considering he is on FOX.
I loathe Luke Menard with the fury of a thousand suns. Are there just a bunch of straight girls out there who are really into boring white dudes voting him safe every week?
Flip-flop Danny Noriega and Michael Johns, and I totally agree with you.
“Don’t You Forget About Me” was at the top of Google Trends all night, but I suspect it’s because people were trying to figure out who actually sings it rather than a show of appreciation for Michael Johns’ performance.
@extracrispy: I think Maura got the ranking exactly right. And even if one could go either way on Noriega’s performance - it was Cher-like in its lack of technical perfection but surfeit of winning attitude; you either love it or hate it - there’s no way Michael Johns makes last night’s top two. There was barely a note on-key in that performance. He didn’t even attempt the song’s best secondary hook (”When you walk on by/When you call my name”), which would’ve allowed him to show off an upper register, if he actually had one.
I’d drop Danny Noriega to the bottom, since I hated his performance (actually, I haven’t liked any of his performances), but other than that the list is pretty much how I have them. I want it to be Luke and Danny leaving, but I’m thinking Luke and Michael.
@Chris Molanphy: I was annoyed that he didn’t sing that part of the song too, it’s my favorite part.
@Chris Molanphy: The only problem with your argument is that America doesn’t vote on singing ability so things like “showing off an upper register” don’t matter. Michael Johns is going to sail through on his charm and good lucks. Every chick at my office digs him.
I do like Danny Noriega myself. His “Mmhmmm” response to Ryan last night was the funniest thing I’ve seen on TV this year. But I think his attitude is a turn-off to most of America.
Good lucks=good looks. But either one really.
I liked the “Hallelujah” rendition, but those white-boy dreads annoy the hell out of me. Then on closer inspection I realized that they confer some faux-personality on him because he’s got a super-goofy face. Without dreads, he’d be that weird kid in school who tucks his shirts in too tight.
@extracrispy: As my girlfriend said while we were watching the show, Johns looks (and sounds?) more like soap star than a singer.
My favourite thing about his performance was actually when he described the kind of record he’d want to make: “like a rock/soul kind of record, you know, and with a bit of, a bit of dance involved.” Translation: “please let me make a Top 40 pop album”! No wonder he ditched his “rock” band!
this guy michael johns is driving me crazy; he has the look, i think, but he just can’t sing. and this jim morrison/michael hutchence thing he’s trying to pull off doesn’t work.
and i agree: you definitely appreciate jim kerr’s vocals after listening to what was an awful version of a pretty classic tune.
randy jackson is an idiot.
I couldnt agree more on Archuleta’s fake answer. Come on boy, this isnt Miss Universe. I didnt like him that much and now is even worst.
My vote it was for Jason Castro, he’s amazing!!!!