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Even if you don’t count Paula Abdul’s psychic critique of Jason Castro’s second performance, last night’s American Idol was so crummy, it made me wish for the dulcet tones (and fewer performances) of Andrew Lloyd Webber night. The pacing was off thanks to 10 songs, six video packages, and all that product placement being squeezed into one hour; Brooke White’s “crazy girl who just got dumped at the karaoke bar” performance of “I’m A Believer,” capped by a pair of sparkly pleather pants, was the most cringeworthy non-Archuleta outing of the night; David Cook once again proved that the judges have never listened to Puddle of Mudd. And for some reason, Randy’s assertion on freakin’ Neil Diamond night that because Idol is a singing competition, Jason’s performance was weak really grated on me. Not that Jason was spot-on last night–his performances were a bit wispy, and he should really have ditched the band for at least one of them–but the “singing competition” line is usually the judges’ way of saying “jump through more octave hoops,” and I’m sorry, last time I listened to Neil Diamond, he wasn’t exactly Mr. Technical Virtuosity. In lieu of writing up the five contestants, I’m going to run through five reasons why this line is crap–especially this year, the “best year of the show ever.”
5. If vocal prowess was that important, would the producers be as stowed away on the David Archuleta train as they are? Again, I point out that when the show’s powers that be look at Archie, they see Jonas Brothers money, to the point where they are blinded to his lack of charisma and the fact that he squeaked a bunch of notes on last night’s charmless, “let’s-trot-out-the-kid-for-show” performance of “America.” Then again, it’s not like Miley Cyrus has the best voice ever.
4. Yarling is not singing well, and neither is putting every song through the Our Lady Peace Filter. Can someone please give the judges a copy of Buzz Ballads sometime before the finals? Thanks in advance.
3. The best pure singer last night got a bunch of backhanded compliments about her future on Broadway, while others who stumbled were praised. Why the judges are consistently nasty about Syesha’s chances to win this whole thing (or, at least, come in second to Archie) is beyond me, especially on a night when Brooke’s “better” performance was marked by her voice’s “vinegary” qualities turning a lot of her notes sour.
2. Carly got sent home last week. Just saying.
1. David Archuleta’s performance of “Sweet Caroline,” which Randy called “the bomb.”
Surely I’m the only one who thought the old “cruise ship” line should have been brought out for this one? Or perhaps the “you didn’t hit half your notes” line would have worked better. Either way, I hope that Red Sox Nation is as offended by this performance as the Christian right was by Carly’s last week.
WHO’S GOING HOME: An odd combination of lousy performances, Jason Castro sympathy votes, and Simon Cowell telling Syesha that she was “in trouble” leads me to believe that we’re going to say goodbye to Brooke. Those of you with HD might want to stock up on Kleenex and wear your wellies, as tonight is going to be a waterworks.
PAULA ABDUL OUT-OF-IT SCALE: Al Shipley called it: This night went to 11. Not only did Paula give away her comments for Jason’s second performance before he even sang, she called Syesha “Brooke” and looked really, really tired. I did like the neckline on her dress, though.
Johnston out!
I was too busy playing GTA last night, but according to Dial Idol, Syesha and David Cooke are the only ones who are safe.
Am I the only who thought David A.’s performance of “Sweet Caroline” sounded like a sitcom theme song from the 1980s?
I supposed you could give her special pills that make 10 crazier…but these go to 11.
The only reason Archuleta wasn’t the most barf-worthy thing on last night’s show was that “my husband has a man-crush on you” sign someone held up for Seacrest. I disagree about the general worth of Neil Diamond night, though, I’m not a huge fan but I thought his catalog made for a pretty good Idol theme night and some of the singers really did a decent ND impression.
@Thierry: !!! that is a PERFECT description.
That’s a pretty amazing video.
@whoneedslight:
Wha? Um, what I meant to say in response to the Radiohead video above….
Is it the comments?
Is it me?
@Thierry: I can see it now: Sweet Caroline, a Valerie Bertinelli vehicle that ABC shot a pilot for in 1986, but declined to pick up for the fall season.
I don’t understand how David Archuleta is doing so well, unless the younger generation is really into smooth out easy listening faux R&B.
Seriously, before last night I would have said it was impossible to make “America” sound more like elevator music — but think again. Archulta did it!
Craptastic.
@Thierry: He should have ended it with “sha-la-la-laaaaaaaaaa”
Reading how producers have been trying to tamper with Idol because its ratings have declined this year, including replacing one of the judges, was quite condescending considering how after last night, this is the weakest top 5 in the history of the show. It’s somewhat reminiscent of the first season except Kelly had loads more talent.
Who wants to crown an Idol who doesn’t even have the odd-factor Taylor had? And not even Paula’s blubbering could save it.
Ugh. I couldn’t drink enough to forget about last night.
I don’t know why young girls find Archuleta at all cute. He’s kinda pudgy and weird lookin’
@rhythmchyc: I completely disagree that this is the worst top 5 in Idol history. In my mind you have a number of compelling performers. The biggest difference is the range in types of singers. They are not all big voice Divas (or Divos). Since the two weeks prior were Mariah and ALW, the softer contestants looked pale. I thought Castro was very good on Forever in Blue Jeans last night. Same with Brooke on I Am I Said. And those two aren’t even the favorites.
In my mind we have never had a worse favorite (Archuleta) but the overall talent has been there all season. Hell, I am still pissed Chickezi went home so early — but I know that there are people that like Carly and Michael Johns more (for whatever reason I can’t understand).
@rhythmchyc: after last night, this is the weakest top 5 in the history of the show
I actually kind of agree with you. Sad. This whole season has provided me with some pleasures and a couple of people to root for, but it’s been oversold from the get-go. They deserve what they’re getting, ratings-wise.
@Rory B. Bellows
It might have been a bad night; you could be right. But I’m still flummoxed by the fact that I couldn’t remember any of the performances almost as soon as they were over. At least if someone was horrendous, I’d remember it. This top 5 is as entertaining as white noise.
I came to terms weeks ago with David Built-By-Geppetto winning this whole thing, mainly because of the internet video showing pre-teen girls positively melting in his presence at some middle school gymnasium performance. If they want him, they can have him. Cook-dude probably doesn’t even want to win so he can further ape Daughtry-dude.
Last night I realized that I actually WANT Syesha to win. Because she’s a pretty decent singer, and it would be the MOST SHOCKING IDOL EVER. Or something…
And Idolator, I have to say I am glad you are so not on the David Built-By-Geppetto bandwagon unlike some culture blogs… (cough, cough Vulture).
I kept waiting for Neil Diamond to come out and tackle either Castro or Archuletta and then perform the songs the right way. Jason Castro always acts like they had to wake him up to get him on stage. Archuleta = terrible. His voice sounds like a vacuum cleaner to me. I seriously had to cover my ears last night in order to keep my sanity from dripping out.
Also, my main question coming out of last night was do you think David Built-By-Geppetto’s show-biz dad made David himself glue photos and glitter on his own signs?
@Rory B. Bellows:
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that Wait For You song by Elliot Yamin in a CVS or a supermarket, or on the smooth jazz station we had on all day, everyday at the restaurant back when I was waiting tables.
@Maura Johnston:
I love that you typed “Johnston out!” When the episode came to an end last night and Mr. Seacrest bid us all aideu, I literally turned to my roommate and was like “I sure do miss the days when he ended the show with a ‘Seacrest Out!’”
Glad to see I’m not alone.
@Tauwan: didn’t you hear him say ‘we’re out’? it was almost as if he was trying to half-swallow some producers’ edict.
@Maura Johnston:
God, all this begs me to ask, again, just exactly WHAT was UP with last night’s episode of AI? I wasn’t of a clear mind when viewing it, so maybe I dreamed and/or imagined last night’s episode?
Man, David Archathingywhatsit is getting faaaat.
if all of you are so disappointed by this years top five then stop watching the show….and david archuleta wouldn’t make half as much as the jonas brothers…though he is a lot better than miley.
@Rory B. Bellows:
and Twilly:
It’s not just teenage girls swooning for David Blandchuleta. it’s a whole array of post-menopausal women who want to squeeze Archie to their maternal bosoms.