“You must vote,” Ryan Seacrest lectured the American Idol audience as the singing contest’s top four episode opened. And then he mentioned that three of the remaining four singers had, at one time or another, been the week’s top vote-getter. Hmm, I wonder which singer (cough Syesha cough) has never received enough votes to be up top (cough cough)? Could it be the one with the fanbase that seems to be a mirage? Oh, I don’t know. What I do know is that the lionization of the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame is making me kind of sick, and David Cook singing Duran Duran isn’t going to make me feel much better. Especially since he just said that he was born the year “Hungry Like The Wolf” was released.
8:05 p.m. You know, not that Simon LeBon is a great vocalist or anything, but between this off-key, tossed-off version and that Nicole Scherzinger soap take on “Rio” I’m starting to think that he was way underrated.
8:07 p.m. Randy does not think that David brought the “mad hot vocals,” but Paula is hungry! Although I get hungry when I have lots of drinkies too.
8:07 p.m. Simon thinks that it was good, too? What happened to his acerbic wit and biting commentary? Has the entire show lost its magic this season?
8:09 p.m. Commercial break! Indiana still hasn’t been called! Also, please note the completely cheesy picture depicting the Idol hopefuls in the Hall of Fame.
8:12 p.m. Syesha is trying to outsparkle her eyeshadow with an all-sequin dress. And she’s excited about the tour and “being able to meet all of my fans and all those who support me”! Ah, Syesha, your in-it-to-win-itness is so charming given that you’ve pretty much skated into the top four.
8:13 p.m. Oh shit, she’s singing “Proud Mary.” Hence the dress. Which intentionally looks familiar:
8:14 p.m. Pitch problems. But here it kicks into gear.
8:14 p.m. The backing singers are really carrying her here; her voice doesn’t go well into the higher–oh, what was that?
8:15 p.m. Randy: “Syesha has showed up and she’s in the zone.” Oh, Randy, will you ever not speak in Britney Spears album titles?
8:16 p.m. Simon says it’s a bad Tina Turner impersonation! Which is pretty much what it was. Syesha: “I’m just trying to have fun.” Simon: “Well–I didn’t.” Randy is chalking the difference in opinion up to the distance between Louisiana and the UK! If only Syesha picked a McFly song for her second one, then we could see what the real deal is.
8:19 p.m. Indiana is still too close to call, and there is an ad on Fox where a woman looks like she’s driving a huge hot pink vibrator and yelling “Woo hoo.” Which leads into a birth control ad! Sexy, sexy Fox.
8:21 p.m. Jason is up now. Wait, does that mean that David Archuleta is getting the pimp spot Again?
8:22 p.m. “It’s a song by Bob Marley … go figure.” Ah, Jason, you are such a goofball.
8:23 p.m. You can tell that he knows this song because he is more animated than he has been on any other episode ever. (Too bad the horns are a little wedding-bandy.) Randy is gonna hate this.
8:23 p.m. His vocal is very Josiah Leming, I have to say.
8:24 p.m. He finished with the David Cook sneer!
8:24 p.m. Randy hated it. Of course. Randy is so predictable. If you looked at his record collection it would look like it was preserved in amber sometime during the last Whitney Houston chart reign.
8:25 p.m. Simon drops the “first round audition massacre” bomb. But is it reverse psychology to get his fanbase calling in???
8:26 p.m. Simon: “I don’t know what you’re thinking.” Jason: “I was thinking… Bob Mar-ley!” Harold & Kumar 3 just had its signature moment etched into the American consciousness.
8:27 p.m. David Archuleta always sings “Stand By Me” when he’s by himself, or “to a dog or something.”
8:27 p.m. I don’t like this kid. The patent leather sneakers are not helping. Although the Danzigish design on his shirt is.
8:28 p.m. OH NO HE JUST INTERPOLATED “BEAUTIFUL GIRLS” INTO HIS PERFORMANCE. To appear, you know, more current than Wayne Newton. Never mind that it completely torpedoes the lyrical intent of the song… ugh.
8:29 p.m. 30 seconds of screaming.
8:29 p.m. Randy continues to be in the tank for Archuleta. It’s really just starting to be funny at this point, I guess.
8:30 p.m. Paula dropped the “only 17″ bomb. Yes, he is the chosen one, people.
8:30 p.m. Simon christens it the best performance so far. Ryan asks David why he always looks sort of faint. David is panting. This is your American Idol? Oh, pop music.
8:32 p.m. Indiana is still too close to call with 52% of the precincts reporting; it’s a 54-46 split in Clinton’s favor but there’s the whole northwestern part of Indiana that needs to come in, as well as Bloomington, Indianapolis, etc. Seriously, have you ever looked at Bush/Kerry and Clinton/Obama maps side-by-side in some of these more rural states? It’s kind of–okay, very creepy.
8:35 p.m. Lavender Diamond for JC Penney! I wonder how Becky Stark would fare in front of Simon?
8:36 p.m. OK this Lurex-pinstriped jacket that David Cook is wearing is not a good look.
8:37 p.m. “Baba O’Riley,” the nu-metal version.
8:38 p.m. I am in an empty room, but that did not stop me from saying “Oh, God,” when he started going into the chorus. How do you strip every ounce of of excitement from this song? How about slowing it down just enough to make it sound like Staind’s “Outside”?
8:39 p.m. Paula is screaming “I want more! I want more!” And Simon Cowell cynically says “welcome back, David Cook,” a thought that I will finish by saying “because we need someone to shunt off to the active rock stations.”
8:44 p.m. David Cook’s horrible outfit explained: Rascal Flatts is in the audience. Hope they share more than just their clothes, wink wink.
8:45 p.m. Do you think that Syesha, when she was looking at the lyrics to “A Change Is Gonna Come,” made her dad show her a picture of his rehab diploma via Webcam?
8:46 p.m. I mean if Idol wasn’t completely and utterly broken, I would say that Syesha is going to walk away with this whole thing. She’s got the annoying diva singing and the ability to open her mouth big on big notes and the not-too-humble-for-stardom persona.
8:47 p.m. But Randy doesn’t like it! “Sam Cooke is one of the greatest singers ever in life… you don’t need to do anything different… trying to be something that it wasn’t.”
8:47 p.m. As a counterpoint, Paula stands up and starts clapping like a seal. Also, she thinks this was a “superstar performance,” and that a change has, in fact, come for Syesha. Well, not really in that she’ll probably still be in the bottom two tomorrow.
8:48 p.m. Syesha is crying. And now that Simon’s revealed that he liked it too, let the waterworks commence.
8:49 p.m. Onstage sobbing. Shoutouts to the civil rights movement. Bye bye, Jason Castro, it’s been real.
8:50 p.m. But first, before Jason gets voted off, he has to sing another song! And he has a motto: “Stick with the Bobs, you can’t go wrong.”
8:50 p.m. He’s doing the Dylan arrangement.
8:51 p.m. Edit: He’s forgetting the words to the Dylan arrangement.
8:52 p.m. This is too bad because this is actually not terrible, save the lyric-spaz. The camera cuts to Carly, who looks pissed that she isn’t on stage.
8:53 p.m. Simon is not happy either: “I’d pack your suitcase.” Jason looks like he wants to crawl into the nearest hole and curl up with his guitar.
8:54 p.m. Is this, in fact, the worst Idol season ever? Well, for the purposes of blogging, it’s been pretty awesome. But the falling-off-a-cliff ratings would provide yet more evidence that bloggers are in a minority.
8:55 p.m. Precincts in Indiana are running out of ballots! The race is still too close to call! I might have to picture-in-picture during Archuleta’s performance just to keep my sanity.
8:57 p.m. David Archuleta is singing “Love Me Tender” and in the pre-song video he’s reciting facts about Elvis like an eight-year-old at a rock and roll bee. Dear lord, David, you really need to go on some sort of season-long European vacation.
8:58 p.m. I really can’t stand how all of his vocal arrangements have that “breaking” high note on verses. Understatement is not a bad thing, child. Perhaps when you grow up you’ll figure this out.
8:59 p.m. His voice gave out, then recovered and went flat. And that was his big finish. And Randy called it “another great performance.” Yep, that about sums up this season of American Idol.
9:01 p.m. Let’s see if they bring up Jason’s lyrical spaz during the recap! That’ll give us a big hint as to the producers’ intent.
9:02 p.m. No replay of the senior moment, but Ryan did remind the audience that this week has been all about the Shock Eliminations in the past. So get voting! I’m going to watch Hell’s Kitchen and try and figure out if I can reverse-engineer any of the recipes.
9:13 p.m. I’ll have a longer postmortem for this unbelievably disappointing show in the morning, but in a nutshell, what we have learned tonight is this: David Cook should have never watched that Old Spice ad with Bruce Campbell singing “Hungry Like The Wolf.” Syesha Mercado probably does believe that her dead-cat bounce from one reality show to another is exactly like the civil rights movement. Jason Castro really doesn’t give a shit about winning Idol, although I bet you he’s freaking out at the possibility of ever meeting Bob Dylan. And it’s OK when David Archuleta forgets words, because he can do no wrong, even if what he does involves ruining some of the most understated songs of the early rock era with his constant runs and oversinging.
Teeeeenaaaaaggge waaaastelaaaand!
Wait, did Syesha just compare her Idol experience to the civil rights movement?
@exposition: I would like to know what moment on Idol compared to the bombing of the 16th Street Baptist Church.
@exposition: Modesty was never her strong suit.
Okay, Syesha has the perspective of someone her age in this day-and-age, but that’s Sam Cooke’s best song, and Syesha nailed it! Probably the best performance by anyone all season.
(IMHO, of course)
@Rob Murphy: ugh, not at all. it was oversung and shrieky.
I just text voted for Syesha 15 times, and that’s the first time I’ve voted this season (and, I think, since season 2).
But it’s clearer than ever that the fix is in. Archuleta is your next American Idol.
@Maura Johnston:
Agreed. It was much better suited for a beauty pageant.
Gotta say. I thought I Shot the Sheriff was way worse than Mr. Tambourine Man. Which other than the word forgetting was pretty fab. Jason is what he is. I don’t think he should win American Idol, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate him for what he is.
That being said, David Cook has been good enough in weeks gone by that I expected WAAAAAAAY more than him on the song equivalent of “night of 1000 stars.” Boo David Cook, boo.
The worst part however is the pimping of Archuleta. Randy might as well get out his tax statements, to keep going on week after week about how David is the BOMB, etc. is embarrassing. And wrong. Dawg, get a conscience.
@Maura: Your 9:13 PM post is brilliant!
This is a tough week to predict, and I would not be surprised if we have a “truly shocking” elimination this week — meaning, obvs, David or David, but most likely Cook.
I think Syesha has been playing everything juuuuuuuust right all season long, flying just under the radar, and I think she did it again tonite — including the perfect dress for the Tina performance, the perfect dress for the Sam performance, and the waterworks during her second judging.
For those of you/us who are “conspiracy theorists”, did you catch Paula’s comment to Syesha during the second critique? Not-exactly-exact-wording: “Welcome to your dream, Syesha…this is it for you!” “It” being “your dream”? Or “it” being “finito”?
Hmmmm….
@Maura:
As a raised-in-Indiana native — and an IU alum — I can verify that Indiana is a mostly-empty state with a few population centers and a small handful of major concentrations. Obama’s natural base of support is in the densely-populated Chicago “suburbs” of NW Indiana and Indianapolis and the college towns. Most of the votes are there, and that’s why it’s still too close to call even this late.
Also, yes, very creepy.
Randy gets a chubby every time David Blandchuleta sings. Argh, how awful.
Syesha: She’s a good singer, but sadly I sense if she has a career, it will be mostly spent in the tabloids.
David Cook: WTF? He’s a cheap knock-off of what he’s trying to be. Though somehow, he is fooling everyone, and he knows it.
David Archuleta: Season long European vacation? RIGHT ON! MAKE IT 4 SEASONS! That boy needs to go back to being a boy for a few years, he’s incredibly talented and this is a waste… Ya right. He’ll be washed up before he ever should’ve released his first album.
Jason: Someone get him off this show so he can get on with being a professional artist already. Sure his recent performances have been so-so, but he is in a different class among this gang, a true artist. He will have a music career because that’s what he’s supposed to do.
@Moomtazz: Actually, I think both AI and DWTS are filmed on the same lot so it would be possible for them to do both shows.
When Randy was talking about how Archuleta was “caressing” the notes in “Love Me Tender,” my worst suspicions of his curious, creepy fanboyism were confirmed. Ick.
Maybe Randy and Paula could don masks of Cook and Archuleta respectively and fulfill each other’s fantasies.
I love that Syesha mentioned her “oh wow, this song about civil rights TOTALLY gained a new meaning for me after last week” TWICE. She wanted to make sure everybody knew how important it was for her to get to hold a note for a long time on TV. Being in the bottom two week after week is totally like being stuck in the back of the bus, you know.
Every damn performance blew chunks last night, only Castro’s mugging and “I was thinkin’ Bob MARLEY!!” (followed by Randy’s “if I had a hose right now I’d beat you within an inch…” glare) kept me from having a “omg WHY AM I WATCHING THIS SHOW?” breakdown.
@Maura:
In the heat of the campaign last nite, I let this slip by. Syesha topped DialIdol’s rankings last week. Even though Syesha was onstage with Brooke when the latter was sent home, as has been widely discussed, Ryan never declared who made up “the Bottom Two”. I actually think it’s more likely that Jason has never been the top vote-getter.
@Rob Murphy: Ah, I don’t know. What about “Hallelujah” week? Or “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” week? Both of those had iTunes spikes. I’d be much more likely to trust iTunes’ anecdotal data than DialIdol’s just-as-anecdotal data, if only because of the text-messaging factor.
I mean I think DialIdol is OK at projecting losers but at winners it’s much more dicey. Especially given that younger fans are much more likely to txt in than call.
So - Ryan said hello to Rascal Flatts in the audience, right. Well after Idol, I flipped over to Dancing with the Stars and guess who was performing “live”? Yup - Rascal Flatts. Could they make it from the FOX stage to ABC in just 20 minutes?
@Rob Murphy: I totally agree that David Cook is in trouble this week. He won’t get the sympathy of Syesha’s tears or Jason’s criticisms (also, VFTW/stoner support), but he didn’t win the raves of Archuleta either. But I’d prefer to see Castro canned. Nonchalance doesn’t excuse insufferably shitty performances.
And I’m rooting for Syesha to win the whole thing. She’s handily the best singer left, has grown exponentially in recent weeks, and it would be a fuck-you to the season’s overarching whiteness, and the fact that the producers wanted her gone around the time of Chikezie and Ramiele.
I laughed out loud twice: once when Castro forgot his lyrics (tee hee) and once when Randy said David A. “caressed” the lyrics to “Love Me Tender.”
Seriously, what the heck?!
The first group of performances was horrible. In the second round everyone was firmly in their respective “zones.” Castro’s “Tambourine Man” was actually good, save for the slip-up, but he is *so* going home.