The producers of Bands Go Pop! want to provide physical training, cosmetics and even cosmetic surgery for “bands who provided the soundtrack to our youth but who now for whatever reason no longer look like the poster picture that once adorned the walls of the nations teenagers.” According to Popbitch, they naturally decided to offer their services to St. Etienne, who understandably declined. Still, I hope the producers aren’t too dismayed by this cold shoulder. Judging by the recent actions of once defiant bands like R.E.M. and Metallica, plenty of artists will take any measures necessary to attempt to reclaim their former glory. We’ve got some recommendations.

1. Sonic Youth

Oh, sure, they’re relatively successful, gracefully stylish, with famous friends and a partnership with Starbucks, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t benefit from some hair dye (especially Lee!), exercise (especially Steve!), Botox (especially everybody!), and sartorial choices that say “we came here to rock!” Maybe if someone gave them some big sunglasses, tronic t-shirts and leather jackets, more of their songs would sound like “Silver Rocket.”

2. David Byrne

It might be too much to ask him to reteam with the Talking Heads, but surely he could do something about his hair and put on a big suit again, right? Nobody remembers any of his solo albums, but everybody remembers The Big Suit.

3. R.E.M.

Musically you’ve gone to back to New Adventures In Hi-Fi, and that’s a… step. But what you need is a push. Michael? We’re thinking “bad haircut,” not “no haircut.” Mike? Circular glasses, pageboys. God never wanted you to have a goatee. Peter? Lose the earrings or cover the ears. Bill? Hang around. All of you, though, Botox and vests. Where are your vests? We need our farmers back.

4. Smashing Pumpkins

We’ve always admired your devotion to the Jimmy Chamberlin-Asian dude-hot female bassist aesthetic, which is why we feel you’re ready to admit the biggest hindrance to your return to rock royalty. That fucking skull of yours. Cover it up. Cover it up! Whether you choose a long Gish wig or the Siamese Dream “elementary-school photo day” cut, the second you put something over that dome, sales are going to sky rocket. Do you really want to be Midnight Oil? Those guys looked and sounded exactly the same throughout their career and sales still went down. At least you have something you might be able to fix.

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