Ever wonder what it’s like to write a saccharine-sweet acoustic guitar pop song comparing a girl you allegedly like to the consumerist cesspool that is Times Square, then be destined never to match its success again? Well, if you’re a 13-year-old boy at the mercy of your well-meaning mother, you can now approximate this experience by shopping at Kohl’s, which now has via the Plain White T’s-inspired clothing line Urban Pipeline on its racks. Part of the same cringe-worthy campaign as the hoodie-stricken Avril line (”Inspired by the artists…worn by you”), the Plain White T’s line features only the finest in bro training wear, plus the obligatory formal t-shirt.

I’ve assembled an outfit from the Urban Pipeline section of Kohl’s Web site. Just imagine you’re a young man gearing up for the first day of 8th grade, and you’re determined to express that you’re serious about acoustic melodies.

First you put on your shirt.



It’s plain, it’s white, it’s 100% non-threatening and blandly appealing. Perfect.

Now your shorts.



Camo conveys strength. You’re a man despite your wimpy music.

You always get cold while sitting in class, so you make sure to put on your new hoodie.



It says, “Hey, I want to be Pete Wentz.”

And, finally, you wouldn’t want to be ill-prepared in case of a sudden extreme sports situation, so you grab your new shades.



Rockin’.

Now you’re all set to appeal to girls, sensitive boys, and total bros who occasionally like a break from Nickleback. But what about formal dances? Dude, got you covered:

This is the signature Plain White T’s shirt in the collection. Your mom thought it was cute.

Back To School 2008 [Kohl's]
New Kohls clothing line is inspired by famous artists [Dayton Daily News]
Earlier: Avril Lavigne’s Clothing Line Just As Awkwardly Punk Rock As Its Designer