The funny thing about Nokia’s music/mobile bundle Comes With Music, which launches in the UK in the next few weeks: Every time I read more information on the service, I realize that it’s a boondoggle that could have only been dreamed up by a bunch of lawyers who want to maximize their clients’ profit at any cost, and that wasn’t tested on any consumers–not even said lawyers’ wives and mothers. More proof of this: The Terms and Conditions page for the service, which an intrepid blogger turned up and which, somehow, make the DRM-laden, carrier-unsupported service seem both less appealing and more annoying to consumers. Neat trick, that.

Let’s start with the thumbnail description of the service.

Unlimited* access to millions of tracks

*subject to personal non-commercial and reasonable use. Failure to comply with the terms and conditions may result in termination of the service.

Nokia 5310 only £129.95** or Free on Contract***

**when bought with £10 airtime on credit/debit card or £20 for cash. [NOTE: This needs to be in BODY COPY near price and prominent]

***subject to credit status, eligibility and subscription to a minimum term contract for a recurring monthly charge. Selected networks and tariffs from £40 a month.

Yes, that’s three footnotes for 14 words. And wouldn’t you like to know what “personal non-commercial and reasonable use” is? Further down the terms and conditions page, we see this:

Your licence to download Comes With Music Content is limited to your personal non-commercial and reasonable use. If our analysis of your use of the Service suggests abusive or excessive downloading, Nokia may contact you and ask you to moderate your usage. If you fail to comply with such a request, Nokia reserves the right to restrict or terminate your use of the Service.

So, the premium for buying Nokia’s 5310–the first phone to have Comes With Music available–with the CWM package is about $90, and the phone will come with a two-gigabyte SIM card. A two-gig drive holds about 400 songs, which comes to a 22.5-cent payout per song if the drive gets filled up. That seemingly paltry payout won’t satisfy Nokia’s partner labels, which want to get more money after a user downloads 35 songs. The money Nokia’s pouring into this venture has to run out eventually, which leads me to believe that the vagueness of the phrase “excessive downloading” is a hedge against particular restriction becoming tighter as Nokia’s venture becomes more of a failure.

And since the so-called “unlimited catalog” is subject to the whims of the labels, it would be wise to not get too attached to the songs you download, what with you not being able to burn them to a disc and all:

Changes to Catalog. Nokia expressly reserves the right to add new and delete Comes With Music Content at its sole discretion from the Catalog. The availability of any given Comes With Music Content as part of the Catalog on any given day is not a guarantee it will continue to be available. Nokia may at any time discontinue making any Comes With Music Content available on the Service. In such event, you will no longer be able to obtain or re-download such Comes With Music Content from the Service. The availability of Comes With Music Content may vary and is subject to Nokia’s sole discretion. Nokia expressly disclaims any representation or warranty that any particular content would be available on the Service.

So just remember, folks: “Millions of tracks” doesn’t necessarily mean “millions of tracks you actually want to listen to.” A key distinction, but one that I suspect will be glossed over in a lot of the marketing material.

Carphone Warehouse & Nokia Terms and Conditions for Comes with Music [Carphone Warehouse via Hypebot]