As part of Idolator’s continuing effort to geekily analyze every music chart known to man, we present a new edition of Project X, in which Michaelangelo Matos breaks down top-ten lists from every genre imaginable. In this special Oct. 10 edition of his column–it is 10/10, after all–he breaks down some of the worst lyrics to reach the airwaves of British radio.
In May 2007 the British radio station BBC6 conducted a survey of the worst lyrics in pop.
BBC6’s Top 10 Worst Lyrics (listener poll):
1. Des’ree, “Life” (Sony, 1998): “I don’t want to see a ghost/It’s the sight that I fear most/I’d rather have a piece of toast/Watch the evening news.”
2. Snap, “Rhythm Is a Dancer” (Logic/Arista, 1992): “I’m as serious as cancer/When I say rhythm is a dancer.”
3. Razorlight, “Somewhere Else” (Vertigo, 2005): “And I met a girl/She asked me my name/I told her what it was.”
4. ABC, “That Was Then But This Is Now” (Mercury, 1983): “More Sacrifices than an Aztec priest/Standing here straining at that leash/All fall down/Can’t complain, mustn’t grumble/Help yourself to another piece of apple crumble.”
5. U2, “Elevation” (Interscope, 2001): “I’ve got no self control/Been living like a mole now/Going down, excavation/High and high in the sky/You make me feel like I can fly/So high/Elevation.”
6. Toto, “Africa” (CBS, 1982): “The wild dogs cry out in the night/As they grow restless longing for some solitary company/I know that I must do what’s right/Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
7. Oasis, “Champagne Supernova” (Creation, 1995): “Slowly walking down the hall/Faster than a cannonball/Where were you when we were getting high?”
8. Duran Duran, “Is There Something I Should Know?” (EMI, 1983): “And fiery demons all dance when you walk through that door/Don’t say you’re easy on me/You’re about as easy as a nuclear war.”
9. Human League, “The Lebanon” (Virgin, 1984): “Before he leaves the camp he stops/He scans the world outside/And where there used to be some shops/Is where the snipers sometimes hide.”
10. Black Sabbath, “War Pigs” (Warner Bros., 1971): “Generals gathered in their masses/Just like witches at black masses.”
Let’s get the ugly part out of the way first: I am in full agreement with No. 10, and no, I do not love Sabbath enough to let them get away with it. I’m not a huge fan, though I certainly like a handful of songs, “War Pigs” being one of them. But I thought the line was stupid when I first heard it, and I’m glad there are still people who haven’t immunized themselves against it over the years thanks to the riff bypassing that particular area of the brain.
“War Pigs” is one of only three songs chosen here that I would have picked out any of those lines from in particular. The others are No. 7 (whose negative properties, inextricable in my mind from a lousy period of my life generally, I discussed in an earlier column about the Modern Rock Top 10 of 1996) and No. 8, which struck me as gauche even when I was in third grade. (Everyone knew nuclear war was easy–it was a matter of two men pushing buttons–that’s what was wrong with it.)
Three others, though, I knew but hadn’t really thought of in terms of lyrics, much less god-awful ones. What I mostly remember about “Rhythm Is a Dancer” is the title phrase, plus the odd “feel the passion” to give the singer more than two notes to sing. It’s not that I’m necessarily surprised the song contains the line, “I’m as serious as cancer/When I say rhythm is a dancer.” It just never jumped out at me. Likewise, the U2 line strikes me as bald description of banal euphoria: more wallpaper than painting, and not much to get worked up over. “Africa,” of course, is total dogshit, so much so I never parsed the verses (being seven when the song came out surely has something to do with this), but on paper, that is some serious D&D-playing loserdom coming out, all right. Good to know that in addition to being the top session cats of the era as well as winning the Grammy Award for Album of the Year for the album containing “Africa,” Toto’s members all aced world geography.
The rest I’d never even heard until I saw this list. I watched the videos for each, and the results were enlightening. Des’ree: she rides a car through the desert. I’d seen this list without the lyric attributions before watching the clip, but it didn’t take long to guess which one this had been nominated for: “ghost/most/toast” is pushing it even if you’re in the breeziest mood of your life. Razorlight: I didn’t know Richard Ashcroft had an understudy. Did England really miss the Verve that much? For god’s sakes, why? On paper, I must admit that, “And I met a girl/She asked me my name/I told her what it was,” is my kind of deadpan mannerist comedy, but hearing this schmoe declaim anything above all those forcefully strummed acoustic guitars buried the offending line for me.
Speaking of confessions, I’ve never heard all of The Lexicon of Love, so the follow-ups I’m even sketchier on. This lives up to Martin Fry’s explanation to Simon Reynolds in Rip It Up and Start Again that he was trying to make the ugliest music he could in response to that album, because this is one sour little pastry. And the “apple crumble” line really is the song’s core, if you will. (I apologize.) Finally, “The Lebanon” not only gets points for those awesome lines fitting perfectly within an equally awesome, er, meditation on terrorism, Phil Oakey gets double points for blueprinting the look Dave Gahan would take to the bank once he stopped cutting his hair a while. They even have the same facial expressions!
Before I open it to the wolves by asking which lyric(s) BBC6’s listeners forgot to include in this Top 10, allow me to indulge yet again my personal all-time favorite bad lyric. It’s from a tune everybody knows: “Your Song,” by Elton John. Take a bow, Bernie Taupin, for this all-time clinker: “If I was a sculptor/But then again, no.” That’s what Taupin should have said! Haw! Anyway, I’ve had my fun: now you have yours. 100 posts by Monday! Let’s do it!
@Ted Striker: No way, that’s a great line. Fat kids love them some cake. And hip-hop was dead way before 50 came along. See Nelly, Ludacris, Master P and everything else from south of the Mason-Dixon line.
I think charity songs are probably exempt. I can’t really think of a way you could write one that wouldn’t suck.
@How do I say this … THROWDINI!: Yeah, like Goodie Mob. They fucked hip-hop up real bad.
“One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more”
10/10: Michaelangelo Matos Day. I think the Seattle mayor could get behind that.
@natepatrin: Ok, point taken. That’s the danger in painting with the “everything” brush, but I mostly stand by what I said.
/not a hater, just not in love with what I’ve been hearing, not that I go out of my way anymore to find good, new stuff
Asia’s “Heat of the Moment” : “If you were wrong/The brightest ring around the moon/Will darken when I die.” One of the most pretentious lines ever.
And one of the stupidest: Van Halen “Why Can’t This Be Love” : “Only time will tell if we stand the test of time.” Someone, get Sammy a thesaurus, stat.
You Bernie Taupin apologists are OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MINDS. That is all.
I love that Taupin line, LOLs everytime.
At the risk of being obvious, there are a million billion Sting/Police lines that fit here.
“I’m as serious as cancer” is hardly Snap!’s worst line. “I will attack/And you don’t want that!” (from “The Power”) is far, far worse. It’s one of those rap lyrics where the rapper is trying to sound tough and threatening, but it falls flat.
A favorite off the top of my head:
“There was an open chair/We sat down in/The open chair”
The Killers - “For Reasons Unknown”
Also - 1/5 of the BBC list deals with food, 3/10 have to do with war. If anyone’s keeping track.
“We live in a wheel/where everyone steals/but when we rise it’s like strawberry fields.”
Gavin Rossdale is such a dreamboat. SIGH.
Nas is all kinds of great, “Made You Look” especially, and this ain’t nearly as bad as anything Toto could come up with — but the line “We can drive through the city no doubt, but don’t say my car’s topless/say the titties is out” always struck me as kind of weird/dumb.
I just found this on a top 20 worst song lyrics list somewhere:
“Coast to coast
L.A. to Chicago”
–Sade’s ‘Smooth Operator
ha ha! Erm what? She could mean the coast of Lake Michigan, and people do refer to Chicago as the third coast, but really?
This opening lyric from Spandau Ballet’s “Gold” has always stuck in my head:
Thank you for coming home
I’m sorry that the chairs are all worn
I left them here I could have sworn
Huh?
any Rush lyrics.
Well, it shouldn’t count, but on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, “Do The Mario” had the terrible lyric “Take one step/And then again.”
But, really, the nod has to go to Limp Bizkit. You could probably take any number of lines, but I always hated the opening to Rollin’ “Well I know you been lovin’ this shit right here/L-I-M-P Bizkit is right here.”
I’m with Michael Stipe: I love “Africa.” There, I said it. Dogshit? No way. On the scale of all-time radio cheese, “Africa” is some kind of camembert.
We’ve already heard some all-time bad lyrics this year, like in Kid Rock’s “All Summer Long” when he rhymes “things” with…um, “things.”
Bernie Taupin has written a ton of awful lyrics, but that really isn’t one of them.
Bobby Valentino’s “Slow Down”: “Like a flower fully bloomed in the summertime, you’re ready to be watered by this conversation”
Also, I’ve always thought ABC’s Beauty Stab was one of the most underrated albums of the 80s. It’s pretentious as hell (as was Lexicon), but it’s also stark, bitter, and incredibly smart.
I’ll stick up for “Your Song” as well. I’m going to go ahead and say that’s my favorite line in the song.
Try this from Bon Jovi instead:
I walk these streets, a loaded six-string on my back
I play for keeps, ’cause I might not make it back
Does Do They Know It’s Christmas? not count?
Also, @Chris N.: Wanted Dead Or Alive is pretty much the only Bon Jovi song I like.
And, re: Razorlight, they’re going on tour soon with themselves as the opening act.
I still maintain that “I love you like a fat kid loves cake” is what killed hip-hop. (until UGK saved it, that is)
This list does not come even close to giving Oasis their due. “Supersonic” alone could have filled up the list:
“I’m feeling Supersonic / give me Gin and Tonic”
“I know a girl called Elsa / She’s into Alka Seltzer”
And this piece of work right here:
“You make me laugh / Give me your autograph / Can I ride with you in your B.M.W ? / You can sail with me in my yellow submarine”
Noel Gallagher, everybody. Whatever, man.