Everyone, apparently, is nervous about today’s election, and some people may experience just a feeling of impotence, a worry that the election is out of your control. But is it really? Haven’t we all thought that, if the right song came on at the right time, it could change the world? Here, then, is another guide to figuring out how today’s results will go. This doesn’t require any complex analysis of the timing of states being called–just an iTunes library set to random and three simple steps. Click play, and let’s begin!

If the first song that comes up is by a band that has sold their music to a major corporation for use in a whimsical commercial, that means that McCain will be three points up in early returns in Virginia and you should watch how quickly Indiana gets called to see if Obama has really made inroads in rednecky areas. If, however, it’s by a conscientious rapper whose support for social justice seems not so much a well-considered ethical position as it is a reaction to getting beat up a lot as a kid, then Obama will maintain his lead in Pennsylvania and narrow McCain’s chances considerably.

If the second song conceals a crypto-conservative materialism and embrace of status quo gender roles and socioeconomic disparity behind seemingly vapid lyrics about love and sex and dancing–if, in other words, it is a pop song by a female singer–then Diebold has managed to rig enough Florida machines to test for pork on the breath of voters and summarily reject the ballots of the Jewish population, thus losing the state for Obama. If, on the other hand, it’s meaningful-core, then ACORN has successfully recruited an army of homeless drug addicts, costumed them in Mickey Mouse ears, and set them to wreak havoc at exurban precincts where you vote in a school gym housed entirely within the foyer of a foreclosed McMansion, and millions of middle-aged white people will explode from inconvenience and self-righteousness, tipping Ohio toward Obama.

If the third song both invents and makes obsolete a dance music genre containing “micro,” “electro,” “step,” or “fandango,” then Missouri will run red with the blood of clashing Republican factions. If, however, it is by Prince, then it will look like Norm Coleman will win after he hits Al Franken with a chair–but then the ghost of Paul Wellstone will distract the ref by doing the Charleston while Jesse Ventura, in a shocking realignment, suplexes Coleman and rolls Franken over onto his prone form, escaping just in time for the ref to turn around and count one–two–three! Oh, Coleman’s campaign manager is screaming into his bullhorn, but that’s it, the match is over! Coleman will now be forced to endure the ritual humiliation of a “lame duck” session of Congress.

If, at any point, you get a song by Slayer, congratulations! Satan has won and his thousand-year reign on earth will begin shortly. Wear loose-fitting cottons and remember that there is no escape from the pain.

What To Watch For On Election Night [Newsweek]
Election Night (Popcorn Included) [NYT]