A.K.A the secret story of how you almost didn’t get to hear the new Guns N’ Roses album, after all. As told to Jess Harvell by Axl himself. (No, I swear.)
W. Axl Rose was relaxing one windswept fall morning on his ranch, surrounded by his happy herd of spotted ungulates. After many, many years, the release of Chinese Democracy was nigh, and Axl felt a deep, kinda kick-ass contentment. Like he felt really good. Totally boss and on the ball. But then his cell phone rang!
It was creepy ol’ Buckethead, Axl’s one-time pal turned arch irritant. Buckethead claimed to have stolen the master tape of Chinese Democracy from the studio and hidden it somewhere on his secret volcanic island ninja lair! (The island also had giant, possibly irradiated mutant lizards and a Fuddruckers.) Buckhethead told poor bewildered Axl that he (you know, Axl) had only 24 hours to find the master tape–or else Buckethead would leak it to the Internet!
Axl flew all day and night in his little red helicopter, looking for Buckethead’s island. Axl got very, very sleepy, but he knew he needed to keep looking. Otherwise people might enjoy all his hard work at an inferior bit rate. And for free!
Eventually Axl spotted a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a giant chicken bucket on its head, and he landed his little red helicopter. He was ambushed by Buckethead’s crack ninja commando squad, who had been hand picked from the cream of strip mall martial arts schools across the country. It was hard work, but Axl kicked, like, 100 ninjas’ asses. “Welcome to the jungle,” Buckethead said when Axl had finished decimating his henchninjas. “Thanks,” Axl said. “But your hospitality can’t help you now!” Then Axl snatched up the master tape and flew away. Also he blew up the island or something.
But Axl’s adventure wasn’t over yet. As he flew home, he passed over Japan, and he spied grouchy Gamera attacking Tokyo once again. Axl used his AX1 giant robot to help Japan’s Self-Defense Forces throw a whuppin’ on that big jerky turtle. Many sites of culture and commerce were demolished in the process, but Axl promised to send Japan a money order for the damage. (Possibly a fib.)
By then Axl was very tired and hungry and plus also he had to take a poop. But he was thankfully almost home. As he flew back into American airspace, he headed straight for his good friends at Best Buy, who would finally sell Chinese Democracy to all of Axl’s fans, sounding the way it was supposed to sound and stuff.
THE END.
I promise you too much time was spent doing that.
Seems reasonable.
This is the only Chinese Democracy post I’ve cared to read all the way through. Thanks, Jess!
@How do I say this … THROWDINI!:
No way, man. Axl…fans?
That was awesome. Completely awesome. I laughed… thoroughly. Great job, Jess. (Also, the Tokyo panel made me miss Earth Defense Force 2017, one of my favorite current-gen video games.)
Priceless!
I will weep with joy and sorrow at each retelling.
Wau, you are getting really good at MS Paint.
i love that the sun is still smiling in the last panel
this is better than the album.
Dear Jess Harvell,
You. Are a marvel.
I want to hold hands with you and walk around and say stuff like, ‘I was born in the ocean with a jellyfish in my mouth’ and you would smile and we’d be the cutest couple ever.
Also, I’m pretty drunk.
8-bit Kaiju and Buckethead and a T-Rex. And a helicopter.
This is brilliance.
You’re a talented man, Harvell.
Dinese cheerocracy!
@Christopher R. Weingarten: One lovely touch among many. (I love the ‘little red helicopter’ bit.)
I had a feeling that “Oh My God” was about Gamera all along.