Anyway, whatever, I just read Wolk’s review of YMG, & that last sentence is not bad at all – certainly worthy of anything GM has come up with lately.

And yes, I am a self-important asshole on the internet sometimes, which is why I wish I had an “edit” function. But Leonard, your blog is called “The Ludic Kid,” so don’t you already look like a stooge?

Sorry your “victory through abandonment” gambit has left you unable to read this, but what can ya do?

It pains me to have to explain things to someone who is, after all, a doctoral candidate in one of the top five English departments in the country, a professional poetry critic, & a professor of English & creative writing, but it is quite possible to be self-flattering and pseudonymous at the same time. For example, I could write a newspaper column under the name the Scarlet Falcon, and say “I, the Scarlet Falcon, am appalled that our country breeds college professors who are unaware that it is perfectly possible for energy fluctuations to rise and fall along an axis — for example, on a gyroscope. And you can take my word for it that I know what I’m talking about, because I, the Scarlet Falcon, am the world’s most handsome genius millionaire, and I once knocked out Mike Tyson.”

And, of course, pointing out that you are, in fact, a doctoral candidate in one of the top five English departments in the country, a professional poetry critic, & a professor of English & creative writing, while simultaneously writing quite badly, and then defending your bad writing as taking place in a format or context in which good writing is not necessary, is pretty ridiculous, but if your comment was sensible and thoughtful, couldn’t it stand on its own merits, without you having to mention that you are a doctoral candidate in one of the top five English departments in the country, a professional poetry critic, & a professor of English & creative writing?

See, let’s try again.

“As America’s most superfly big-dicked block-locking diamond pussy pimp, I, the Scarlet Falcon, believe that the new Santogold/Diplo collaboration is very entertaining.” Okay.

But wait: “I, the Scarlet Falcon, believe that the new Santogold/Diplo collaboration is very entertaining.” The difference is subtle!

For example: “As a doctoral candidate in one of the top five English departments in the country, a professional poetry critic, & a professor of English & creative writing,I have found that the coffee at Dunkin Donuts is delicious.” Not so good.

How about this? “As a doctoral candidate in one of the top five English departments in the country, a professional poetry critic, & a professor of English & creative writing, my wife is too fat.” That’s better, but we’re still short of the goal.

Wait, I got it! “As a doctoral candidate in one of the top five English departments in the country, a professional poetry critic, & a professor of English & creative writing, I have found that people think of me as a self-important asshole.”

I mean, this is what good writers are up against: people who have read so little that Doug Wolk strikes them as a paragon of literary technique. Wow.

As a doctoral candidate in one of the top five English departments in the country, a professional poetry critic, & a professor of English & creative writing, I have found that Pitchfork is a gold mine of solecisms & clichés & clunky phrases that are quite useful for teaching undergraduate essay writers what to avoid. Here are just a few of my favorites from the past few years:

“Matador’s all-star power poppers return with a record THAT’S mellow mood and baritone guitar obsession mark it more as a sequel to frontman Carl Newman’s solo record The Slow Wonder than the band’s own Twin Cinema” (emphasis added for maximum titter effect. I don’t think I’ve ever even met anyone who thinks “that’s” (rather than “whose”) is correct.)

“It’s not like the energy in the town builds or falls based solely on the Butler/Boeckner/Krug axis” (how can “energy” “build” or “fall” on an “axis”?).

“In trading the adolescent kick of Secaucus for ripened resignation, meticulous refinement for crippling maturation, they have realized their magnum opus” (oh, man, they shoot horses, don’t they?).

If you think I’m being churlish or picky, well, that’s part of the reason Robert Christgau, Greil Marcus, & Dave Hickey are great writers, & nobody at Pitchfork (or Tiny Mix Tapes or any of those other awful blog-quality sites) ever will be. Those guys actually think about each sentence they set down, & they pay attention to each aspect of their language. That’s what it means to be a critic.

I stand by my utter contradictions.

Great write-up, Maura.