Until two days ago, I had never heard NewSong’s mawkish holiday atrocity “The Christmas Shoes.” Someone forwarded me the link to this promo for the 2002 Rob Lowe movie of the week, and I thought it was a joke at first. Alas, it is very real. If you don’t know “The Christmas Shoes”, here’s the story. One of the guys in Valdosta, Ga., Christian band NewSong (who, a friend noted, look like a bunch of meatpackers) read an Internet legend of a poor boy who saved up all of his money to buy his dying mother some pretty shoes for Christmas. So moved were they by this bit of glurge that they decided to turn it into a song—a five-minute song that rivals “Butterfly Kisses” in sheer ooginess. The actual honest-to-goodness chorus of this song is “I want her to look beautiful / When Mama meets Jesus tonight.” Since being exposed to this musical nightmare, I can’t seem to escape it. I’ve heard it on the radio, and YouTube has offered me up all sorts of permutations of this Christmas miracle. Here are a few:
This fan video has 833,000+ views on YouTube and finds a way to be more heinous than the original thanks to poor videography, some pretty questionable lip-syncing, and a thoroughly punchable child actor.
Amy, Bobbie Jo, and Emily perform it at the Junction Jamboree in Lebanon Junction, Kentucky. I don’t really have a lot to add to this, except this might be a tad more tolerable.
The cheap keyboard version. At least there are no lyrics!
Not to be outdone, there is this Chipmunks-esque version, which I’m 99% sure is not official, but it made me laugh nonetheless.
It’s songs like this that actually make me question the existence of God.