Forget all that talk about whether Animal Collective’s Merriweather Post Pavilion is the best album of 2009. The real competition—the Worst Music-Related Article Of 2009 That Somehow Still Managed To Earn A Paycheck In This Completely Devastated Writing Economy—has already been sewn up, thanks to the new “conservatives can be cool and comment on pop culture too, man” blog Big Hollywood. Congratulations, Fox News pundit Greg Gutfeld: Your recently horked-up “Conservatives Rock” is not only headlined by perhaps the worst verb ever to use atop a music-related story, the underlying conceit is about as dumb as, well, a story entitled “Conservatives Rock” might ever hope to be.
See, you know all those scary left-wing rockers who loyal conservatives are normally afraid of? They’re actually sons of Goldwater! Just look:
NIRVANA. “Nevermind” is nothing but a celebration of free markets (”Smells like Teen Spirit” being an anthem about owning something as simple as deodorant). And the truth is - that adorable baby on the cover chasing the dollar is now in his late teens - a healthy testament to a system of monetary reward based on hard work and achievement. “If only Kurt Cobain had chased the almighty dollar instead of the dragon, he’d be alive today,” Steve Albini might have said, if he wasn’t so busy reading Hayek.
Stupid joke + references no one will get + conservative buzzwords = Hilarity! God, why don’t I think of this when I’m trying to figure out ideas for posts? Or at least sprinkle in a little more casual misogyny?
THE DIXIE CHICKS. Without question, the most ardent supporters of the policies of George W. Bush, they boldly released a romantic tribute to the man, called “Cowboy Take Me Away” - knowing it would reduce them to playing small venues. When they followed that up with “Wide Open Spaces,” a sexually-charged song describing how their bodies felt after making love to the commander in chief, perhaps it was “too much information.” Sometimes, certain things are better left unsaid, ladies.
Chicks, am I right? They can only sing about getting off! Lol, Greg, call me!
Of course, the real belly laughs are brought when Public Enemy comes into play:
PUBLIC ENEMY. Talk about guts: their song “911 is a Joke” served as an indictment of the left, or more precisely those who refused to take the attacks on the World Trade Center seriously. Indeed, they saw 911 as “a joke,” and Public Enemy took them to task for it. I am amazed at Chuck D’s bravery in releasing something that would make him so unpopular among the rap denizens of the upper west side. But he did. And my “kangol” is off to him.
Get it? No hip-hop fans live on the Upper West Side! Also “Kangol” is in quotes, because it’s a hat that white dudes who host aimless late-night shows don’t wear!
The post-post-post-post-post-ironic stance taken by Gutfeld is unfunny enough on its own, but when you add in the comprehension-challenged peanut gallery, the whole enterprise just becomes downright depressing:
Julie - January 6th, 2009 at 10:41 am
I THINK YOU ARE MISTAKEN ABOUT THE ROCKERS ON THIS LIST BEING CONSERVATIVE. MOST OF THEM ARE EXTREMELY LIBERAL
Oh, Internet. You give… and then you give me this.
Conservatives Rock! [Big Hollywood; HT Cameron Macdonald]
Nugent!
I read that article this morning, wincing through the unfunny.
Ugh.
“It is truly a time when England “rocks the cash bar.” A little pun there.”
Why pretend to have the clash when they really did have Johnny Ramone, God rest his arch-conservative soul. Remember when we was all “I love you G.W.!” at the hall of fame inductions? And then Dee Dee died.
Sigh.
“Holy crap! I have a piece on conservatives in rock music due in 25 minutes!”
Didn’t someone already do this article a few years ago?
That was conservativepunk.com.
I don’t know. Living in the Midwest has made me not so scared of conservatives and church-going folk. But they still can’t write music criticism.
@Captain Wrong: Yep, the National Review Online ran a similar countdown a few years ago. The difference is that its author wasn’t kidding - especially when he claimed that Sammy Haggar was stickin’ it to the Liberal Nanny State in “I Can’t Drive 55.”
I’m just too blown away that a conservative uttered the name Steve Albini.
@Ahh! Jim lad!: Now that conservatives have figured out Google, we’re all done for. It’s only a matter of time before they discover Bryan Ferry.
Being in the South, I know plenty of conservative indie rock types, but they all like Nick Drake and stuff.
Actually, for long-running conservative/Libertarian music commentary that’s quite good (and I am not conservative, btw) check out the writings of Jeff Clark and David T. Lindsay at Stomp and Stammer. Lindsay’s movie reviews are kinda out there, but his music reviews are solid, if of strong opinion.
@mike a: Oddly, living in the midwest has had the opposite effect on me.
Is anyone else familiar with the writings of conservative rock critic J.R. Taylor? Actually, it appears he’s branching out into general pop culture writing: [rightwingtrash.com]
As you can see, he’s big on trumping his conservative conservative-ness. It gets pretty old, if you ask me.
@Mike P.: I’m very familiar with J.R. He writes all of the show previews for our local (Birmingham, AL - his home town), generally conservative arts weekly. His previews are often negative and irreverent, so he’s made many enemies among local musicians, promoters and club owners. I’ve listened to dozens upon dozens of tirades about J.R. over the years. I believe he would say “mission accomplished.”
@John P Strohm:
You mean Black & White, right? That’s how I became familiar with him too. (They licensed some of my pieces from another weekly, back in the day.)
@Mike P.: Correct.
@Lucas Jensen: good call. i’ve been rolling my eyes at david t. lindsey articles for years.
Are we sure this isn’t a parody? Because I don’t think someone is that stupid to believe that a song from 1990 was about 9/11 truthers.