I’m going to steal that as a chat up line!

i am starting this band for the sole purpose of getting laid (UCSD)

Date: 2009-02-02, 7:57AM PST

The purpose of this band is to cynically play whatever music is necessary to attract as many young women as possible for the purposes of having sexual relations with them. I am in my mid 20s and a veteran of several musical projects, which unfortunately have tended toward the sort of music that repels women (overly-experimental indie rock, pretentious electronic art music, and incredibly offensive death metal / grindcore). At this point i am going to play whatever insipid emo / rock /punk / pap whatever because I am in my mid 20s and want to do this band thing right for one last time and get all the hot rock chicks who always thought I was a little bit too autistic.

My training is mostly in indie rock of the late 90s / early 00s, from riot grrl to neutral milk hotel, alternative to obscure 80s punk cds, my charmingly eclectic record collection of 70s cult favorites, obscure synthpop, an experience with hair-metal we are going to write off as an exercise in irony and then never speak of it again, the obligatory foray into blues and folk during every college kid’s dylan period, and a bit of totally nihlist death metal industrial and years spent pretending I liked VNV nation to get with goth girls. I am also veteran of the late 90s rave scene, and have retained some classic 80s synths which appeal nicely to my retro hipster tendencies and still make bit of squelchy fat beats. I can program basslines/ drums. I can play anything with strings and frets on it, and we can take advantage of my Latio name and style to drop some Spanish guitar although I dont think that plays as well here as it did on the east coast when I was ‘exotic’. If we are going to go pretentious I can drop all kinds of 20th century atonal art music references. I have professional training as psychologist, and access to a wide variety of scientific equipment. informal field experiments as well as laboratory work will evaluate the effectiveness of these musical techniques with women. I have a fresh! new hip haircut and go to the gym daily. I expect you to obsess over your appearance, and then pull of a very artfully constructed look of disorder. Nothing in this band will be left to chance.

I am NOT kidding.

Can’t help much with the advertiser’s “autism,” though it might help dude’s chances of getting aforementioned sex objects if he smacked his head against a brick wall a few times before launching a career as an emo teen idol….

…so, is it a member of Black Dice then?