A few hours after Eminem’s Relapse leaked, Nick Cannon got wind of the record, and downloaded it… only to find that he was actually one of Marshall Mathers’ targets, thanks to his being married to former target of Em’s affections Mariah Carey. In response, Cannon fired off about 1,400 words on his blog saying that the song “Bagpipes From Baghdad” irrevocably proved that Eminem was a) jealous; b) racist (because Carey is “the same racial mixture as our beloved president Barack Obama”); and c) saddled with a haircut that made him look like a cross between McLovin, a Nazi, and Liza Minnelli. Who-o-oa!
The post ended with Cannon claiming that he was going to make it his life’s work to destroy Eminem:
I’m taking full action on you Eminem. I don’t know why no one has stood up to your bitch ass yet. But I guess it’s going to take a corny, wack rapping, boy toy from Nickelodeon to set you straight. And trust, I am going to be relentless. Even though I got a lot of other obligations and occupations, you are my new full time job “homey”! As a matter of fact I think you going to bring my wack rhymes out of retirement! That’s right haters; you can thank Eminem because I’m going to start rapping again! LOL Just for him! And don’t forget about the jokes! We coming at you hard body!! Non-stop on your Manic-depressive-Insecure-Maclovin-Nazi- Liza Minelli haircut havin-lookin ass!! [Pause] That’s what I do all day Bitch!
As you might expect, the combination of racial politics, Eminem lashing-out, and haircut dissery turned Cannon’s blog into something of a popular destination for Mariah stans and Eminem, er, Stans, who faced off in the comments section with bon mots like “Nick, you are a bigger man than Feminem!,” “CANNON IM GONNA SHOOT YOUR HEAD,” and “Cannon’s mom is dead tonight.” (Also, someone claiming to be Kanye West chimed in, saying “eminem should start beef with real mcs..like nas, common, JAY Z & MYSELF…they would wipe the floor with his bony white ass.”) Eminem has yet to respond, although he probably won’t have to!
Because, sigh, Cannon deleted the post, replacing it it with a Mother’s Day greeting and violating Rule No. 1 Of The Internet, which is: Deleting Things Only Makes It Worse, Even When Your Server’s Freaking Out Under The Pressure. (When you screw up, it’s better to acknowledge and move on, perhaps with a bit of self-deprecation.) Sure, the post’ll live on in Google Cache, but his backing down now is as good as him putting an image file called whiteflag.jpg on his blog and leaving the Internet for good, or at least taking a long vacation away from his probably very understandably steamed wife. Although really, he should have posted the Blingee he affixed to his post instead of getting into the convoluted explanations:
Maybe a line or two about how Marshall was stuck in 2001 and would be for the foreseeable future, but that’s it.
HOW CUTE… [Nick Cannon's Blog via Google Cache]