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I think everyone remembers 9-11 the same. The shock of the first impression, the haunting images on TV, and the lingering question—“How will this all affect Aaron Carter?”
Cuddly pop troll Carter, who rose to fame during the fallow period between Hanson and Lizzie McGuire, was essentially the musical version of Poochie: A rapping, shiny-suited, catchphrase machine who could have only come from the twisted, syphilitic mind of Lou Pearlman. “People love these damn Backstreet Boys—does one of them have a younger brother we can tart up?”
Carter recorded more than Jandek throughout the early part of the decade to keep up with the pixie-stick-addled attention spans of the pre-teens and pedophiles who made up his fanbase. Songs came down the ol’ poop-pipe, each more irredeemable than the next: the nauseating hip-hop cover of “I Want Candy”; the Dennis The Menace shit-eating-grin of “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)”; the shrill Fresh Prince knock-off “That’s How I Beat Shaq”; and the suuuuuuuper-fucking-creepy growth spurt “Not Too Young, Not Too Old,” where the now-13-year-old hornball begs a girl to show him some “body” in the backseat, only to—no shit—ditch her to battle a bully over prowess on rollerblades. Eventually, Carter created a perfectly drawn Venn Diagram of noxiousness by teaming with the Baha Men for the frozen-Margarita-puke anthem “Summertime.”
But worst of all was the late-career, jingoistic, funky-fresh ode to the red, white and blue, “America A O.” As far as I can tell, the “A O” doesn’t actually stand for anything. (It’s pronounced “ayo,” new jacks.) With a fake Clipse beat, the song was so cornball and classless that it made Toby Keith’s “The Angry American” sound like it was performed by Kelsey Grammer in a top hat and monocle. “Troubled times bring about troubled vibes,” Carter says, deftly referring to our harrowing year of panic, paranoia and in-fighting as “vibes.” He adds, “I chill you out, baby, let me clear your mind.” Why didn’t we just send Aaron Carter to chillax the mellow of Bin Laden or Saddam or the Lizard People or whoever? Dude already beat Shaq once!
Then Carter drops a totally suspicious, “No matter what they say, I’ll be livin’ here anyway!” which basically makes us wonder who exactly was telling him to leave. Was it the Taliban? The American left? Drake and Josh?
This last part isn’t Aaron (or America’s) fault, but cracked me up anyway. Four different lyric Web sites (incorrectly) list the second verse as: “Everybody come together, make it half-black, white, Spanish, Chinese…” I’m pretty sure that means that Carter’s idea for world harmony would be to have everyone ejaculate in a big bucket and make a new race of awesome hybrid people. And they gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize?! Carter in 2010! His parents are out of town, let’s party!
Aaron Carter – “America A.O.” [YouTube]
Aaron Carter [MySpace]
F2K: Idolator Counts Down The 50 Worst Songs Of The ’00s, One By Ear-Splitting One
No. 44: Aaron Carter, “America A O”
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Wait, what are the correct lyrics then?
Pretty sure it’s “make it hot,” but Google is not backing me on that.
Some say that Tommy Lee’s episode of “Cribs” is the greatest example of late ’90s/early ’00s wretched excess, but I say it’s Aaron Carter’s “Cribs.” At least Tommy’s conspicous consumption was arguably the result of a few decades of work and some talent. This kid had multiple 100K SUVs at the age of 15, based on being someone’s younger brother. And to top it all off, he gives the “Cribs” tour wearing a doo rag and an oversized t-shirt with a gigantic airbrushed picture of Tupac.
Never before had I simultaneously felt the urge to shoot myself, gouge my eyes out, and set myself on fire. I did then.
This list is a musical gom jabbar.
The things you are doing with language in this series are positively Achewoodian, and I can think of no higher compliment than that.
Hm, I dunno, I think Oh Aaron beats this for noxiousness with the painful patois. “You make-a da promises oh so big, how gonna make ‘em come true?” I’ll still rep the Dennis the Meance-isms, tho.
Subgenre watch (for the video anyway), Justin Bieber! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNI43Q6MNt0
@dabug: Justin Bieber makes Aaron Carter look like Glenn Danzig.
This writeup has to be the only time Carter and Jandek’s names have appeared in the same sentence. Great work!
Worse along these lines for lacking at least a sense of utter indecency/WTF is Beastie Boys truly awful “Open Letter to NYC”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iul3ujcBGwU
Wait, 44. That means there are 43 worse songs of this decade to go? There’s worse than this EVER?
@dabug: I nominate that entire album.
@Audif Jackson Winters III: Tommy Lee’s house is a perfect example of 80s excess, it just took 15 years for MTV to cover it, that’s all.
America A O < My Humps
Yo, “My Humps” is good! Actually-sposeta-be-funny funny, plus fits seamlessly on top of Dvorak’s New World Symphony.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yctfXIqugXc
The mash-up seems to have been pulled from YouTube, but will re-link it at some point in this countdown if there’s any interest.
Will be interested to see the intersection between the 50 Worst Songs and the 50 Novelty Songs (not best or worst, just representative) I’m compiling at the moment. So far shares one song and one artist.
It’s kind of sad that the one time I ever wrote anything online about music for nylpm, it was about Aaron Carter.
@Audif Jackson Winters III: That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read.