Mariah Carey managed to validate her acting career by dressing down and taking a humble supporting part in depress-o-rama indie flick Precious, which opened last weekend. We can’t believe the reigning champion of Pop Stars Pretending to Be Actresses has done on-screen work people can actually enjoy non-ironically. Brava, Mariah. Our little hoochie-dressed girl’s all grown up.
Mariah’s earned our respect, but there are tons of other pop singers who, to paraphrase Mean Girls, keep trying to make this “acting” thing happen. It’s not going to happen!
After the jump, our Top 5 picks for pop stars who seriously need to leave acting to the professionals:
5. Lance Bass
All Lance had to do was star in Generic Romantic Comedy #45364 On the Line to land a spot on this list. Sorry, Lancey-pants, you’re no Justin Timberlake. Don’t be too sad, not many people are.
In any case, Bass has more than made up for his shortcomings as an actor (and an astronaut) by just being himself: Coming out and advocating gay rights, shimmying away on Dancing with the Stars, and cameo-ing as himself in Tropic Thunder and Zoolander. (It goes without saying that none of those roles required him to memorize any lines.)
4. Britney Spears
Britney, like Lance, hasn’t been in much (thank god), but her acting was so epically bad that she still wound up #4. Crossroads was horrific, but was so long ago we may have forgotten just how terrible an actress Britney really is…but then she had to guest-star on How I Met Your Mother. Twice.
More off-putting than her unflattering wardrobe or ratty extensions (it’s one thing to wander around Rite-Aid at 2 am like that, but on television?) was the simple-but-true fact that Britney has absolutely no comic timing. It was evident during her Will & Grace guest spots years before, but it’s her enthusiastic, yet ultimately flat line-reading in both episodes that showed Brit has no idea what she’s saying or how to say it.
3. Any of the Spice Girls
Spice World. That’s it. Just Spice World.
2. Ashlee Simpson-Wentz
People love to rag on the younger Simpson lass for all sorts of things (her infamous SNL jig dance, marrying King of the Emos Pete Wentz, getting the most obvious plastic surgery of all time, etc.), when really they should be focusing all their anger on Ashlee’s acting ability.
Ash’s atrocious thesp skills didn’t really stand out while she was on 7th Heaven (good acting would actually have been more noticeable on that show) or on Broadway, since 75% of her time onstage was talk-singing good material. But after a horrible CSI:NY episode (where she played some sort of Bonnie-ish criminal alongside hubby Pete’s Clyde) and her short lived stint on Melrose Place as nutso Violet, Ash should consider getting fired from the CW show a blessing in disguise to get back to what she does best: having cute babies, rocking awesome hair and releasing fun pop songs.
1. Madonna
As if this spot could belong to anyone else but Lady M. Madonna needs her own Precious à la Mariah movie to pull her back from this top spot, but we think Hollywood’s too terrified to even give Madge another shot.
Madonna in the movies started off innocent enough – quirky or sexy lil flicks like Desperately Seeking Susan, Who’s That Girl and Body of Evidence. I’ll even give her a positive review as Breathless Mahony in Dick Tracy, since her role was more a caricature than anything else.
But there is no excuse for Madonna starring in weirdo romantic comedy The Next Best Thing or collaborating with then-husband Guy Ritchie on Swept Away—a nonsensical, migraine-inducing remake that makes Showgirls come off like it’s Gone with the Wind.
Actually, can I take this back? Madonna should be in movies, lots of movies, as long as they never had a chance at being good, because it’s mindbogglingly awful films like this that fill my little black heart with uncontrollable laughter:
“depress-o-rama”
Spice World. That’s it. Just Spice World.
Actually, I’d have liked you to expound on this one, since Spice World is a fine work of pop comedy and sort of like a ’90s version of A Hard Day’s Night (those Beatles were some actors, huh?). The joy of Spice World lies not in the performances of the Girls themselves, but the complete willingness of themselves together as an ensemble to completely go there. Maybe you’re right that none of them should ever act again, but don’t say Spice World is the reason.
(Also, I saw on twitter that you just discovered mash-ups. Welcome to six years ago!)
wait i loved spice world
BRITNEY SPEARS. DAILY QUOTA COMPLETE. STOP.
I agree — SpiceWorld was pretty phenomenal for what it was. I remember it came out the same year as Tom Green’s Freddie Got Fingered. I saw them both in theaters — TWICE.
Those not in the pro-Spice World camp will be alarmed to learn that Mel C (Sporty Spice) has just begun appearing - yes, ACTING - in the successful West End musical Blood Brothers…
Top 2 Bloggers Who Should Never Blog on Idolator Again:
2. Becky
Bek’s atrocious wri skills didn’t really stand out while she was on E! (good writing would actually have been more noticeable on that site). But after a horrible Idolator episode (where she played some sort of Britney-obsessed half wit), Bek should consider getting fired.
1. Robbie
Lady Gaga? That’s it? Just Lady Gaga?
@Nathan: +1
I’m really loving the new commenters around here - thanks Zombiebot!
Devo, those movies came out 4 years apart!
miss ciccone is a golden globe winner - evita!
wow this post is original - madonna is a bad actress - tell us something we dont know
@devo - i also love spice world - that shot in the end of them jumping the london bridge in the SPICE BUS - classic
Oh my god, I have to see Swept Away now! That trailer was hilarious- it was sooo BAD. It encapsulated both Madonna’s overacting and wooden acting sides. Yes!
But, yeah, she actually is a Golden Globe winner too.
people who are anti-madonna in films (and for good reason, i understand) need to see dangerous game….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2N2rBolXLo
Top 5 Lines From This Article That Indicate Becky Should Never Write Again
1. “Our little hoochie-dressed girl’s all grown up.”
2. “her acting was so epically bad that she still winded up #4. ”
3. “Sorry, Lancey-pants, you’re no Justin Timberlake. Don’t be too sad, not many people are.”
4. “Ash’s atrocious thesp skills didn’t really stand out while she was on 7th Heaven.”
5. “Madonna in the movies started off innocent enough – quirky or sexy lil flicks…
“
@Justin Trousersnake: lol I just notice that “winded.” I can’t believe Buzznet is paying her (oh wait, I can).
It’s like watching wild dogs tear into a leper (except the leper in this case really, really, really deserves it)
First person I thought of was 50 Cent from Get Rich or Die Tryin. I thought it was travesty he wasnt included in this piece but I realized he is a rapper, and black, and shall his ilk will no longer be mentioned on this site.
WHAT ABOUT BEYONCE???? she is HORRRRRRIBLE
I actually thought Britney was kinda funny on HIMYM. I’d assume they wrote those lines with her in mind, and they knew how she’d read them. It’s a sitcom featuring Britney Spears…no need for her to “disappear inside the role”.
@joemono Really? Damn — in my head I saw them the same year; you are definitely right — Fail on my part
Who doesn’t love a top 5 list? Check out mine every week on music.
http://girllovesmusic.wordpress.com
Spam and bots and vitriol! The comments section on this site is freakin’ rad! :P
BTW, great way to make sure we all really, really hate you now. Spice World is a sacred cow, as far as I’m concerned — as is 3/4 of Madonna’s acting career. Lay off.
Also, just a friendly editorial tip — might have been nice to have mentioned Mariah’s reaction to being filmed outside of her Mimi persona, instead of your inane, pointless blather. That’s all.
Spice World. That’s it. Just Spice World. >>>>> Oops Epic Fail Becky dear.
What an irony - Mel(anie) C appears in Blood Brothers and…my my.. She actually CAN act very good.
Someone called Becky or whatever should rewrite this top 5 or GTFO. Lulz
i actually love SpiceWorld, and i even have a vhs tape of it… classic…
Stop trying to make “thesp” happen.
Gary Sinise was in one of those videos. That tore me up inside a bit.
Madonna bought that Golden Globe just as Pia Zadora bought her’s.
ALL of Madonna’s films stink : Shanghai surprise, Who’s That girl, Body of Evidence (these were not cute and quirky flicks, these were unequivocal DISASTERS), Swept Away, bloodhounds of Broadway, Dangerous Game, Next Best Thing etc etc. even if she made a cameo Like girl 6 or Four rooms then the film would still bomb. Mariah can act. Courtney Love can act. they took lessons. Madonna can’t act and never will be able to.