First Justin Bieber singlehandedly took over Twitter, then the charts—now The Bieb’s path of destruction has aimed itself directly at the Internet comedy world. Justin commandeered the offices of Funny or Die for April Fools Day, and he’s taking no prisoners. And even if he were taking prisoners, he would probably just kick their ass, Chuck Norris style. Jump below to hear the pop terror announce that it’s Bieber or Die, bitches!

“I ride on yachts, I autograph lady lumps, and I pay people to slap them,” growls the seriously pissed off 16-year old. Don’t mess with him! He’ll kill you and everyone you know! With adorableness!

(Fun trivia: the guy Bieber slaps is the very same person who played Justin Bieber in the Raaaaaaaandy video where he declares war on Bieber. The dude got what was coming to him!)

It’s official—if you don’t know who Justin Bieber is at this point, you’re just resisting the inevitable. By the end of the year, it will be mandetory for everyone to have a hip-hop superstar as their mentor and a swagger coach as their sidekick. Also, “Baby” will be replaced as our national anthem.

We really think if this viral video phenomenon was around when Justin Timberlake was 16, he would be doing the exact same thing. So we’re calling it now—Bieber will be taking over the reigns as the fan’s favorite singing, dancing, groin-box-wearing, taking-it-on-home-to-Omletteville-declaring, Emmy-winning guest host named Justin of Saturday Night Live. He can kick off his reign of comedy on April 10 when he makes his first apperance as musical guest on the late night show.

Check out Funny or Die Bieber or Die to watch Justin reenact some of the Internet’s most popular viral vids. Then go cut your hair into a Bieber-approved windswept bowlcut to appease our new pint-sized overlord.