Live Blog: The ‘American Idol’ Finale

We’ve come to the bittersweet end of American Idol Season 9. Yes, this has been a spectacularly dull season full of some questionable contestants and bizarre behavior from Ryan Seacrest—but that’s all part of the fun! We’re sad to live without Idol for another year, and even more heartbroken we’ll have to live without Simon Cowell for even longer. Keep your head held high and your pants down on the ground, and follow along with our live blog as we find out whether America is Team DeWyze or has finally crowned a female winner with Mama Sox.

8:01 p.m. We begin! And Lee is dressed like he’s an extra from Dead Poets Society.

8:04 p.m. Our bad—we just caught sight of Crystal’s plaid shorts and blazer. Are they both going to the Hogwarts homecoming dance?

8:06 p.m. The Idols perform “School’s Out”… and Alice Cooper shows up! Thankfully he is spared from wearing the embarrassing uniform.

8:12 p.m. Kris Allen begins singing his new single “The Truth” and is rudely interrupted by Ryan Seacrest’s mic still being on. Live TV, folks! We only wish Ryan’s mic accidentally stayed on so we could have a moment of comedy gold where he starts badmouthing Kara or something.

8:15 p.m. We were Team Glambert last year, but we have to admit, Kris Allen has earned his Idol crown. Solid performance.

8:17 p.m. Simon Cowell Insult Montage! Can this be turned into its own spin-off show? American Insult?

8:19 p.m. Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly duet on “How Deep Is Your Love.” If Siobhan doesn’t add a screech by the end of this, I’m going to be pissed.

8:20 p.m. Hey look! The surviving Bee Gees showed up to lull us to sleep. Zzzz. Siobhan’s screech will be our alarm clock to wake us up.

8:21 p.m. No screech? Fine, Siobhan, be that way.

8:26 p.m. Michael Lynche sashays down the staircase, singing “Takin’ It To The Streets” with Michael McDonald. We’re sure this was Big Mike’s absolute first choice of who he wanted to duet with and what song he wanted to sing. You know, not a gorgeous R&B number like every song he picked while on the show.

8:30 p.m. Dane Cook doing stand-up on stage right now is about as funny as if Lee DeWyze was doing stand-up with his guitar right about now.

8:31 p.m. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what just happened? Bad auditioners from seasons past and present coming on stage to harrass Simon? And it lasted all of three confusing seconds?

8:35 p.m. All the Top 12 girls come out to sing Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” like it’s a camp song. We wish Crystal had actually performed this song on the show, since it would be a change of pace from the predictable Etheridge/Joplin songs she kept picking.

8:36 p.m. Now they’re singing “Fighter.” How scared do you think Paige Miles is to perform tonight? Last time we saw her she was terrifying awful.

8:38 p.m. Christina Aguilera comes out to belt the last few notes of “Fighter” and put everyone on that stage to shame. Also she sings “You Lost Me,” and we are overjoyed she is not making us suffer through “Not Myself Tonight.”

8:40 p.m. By the by, “You Lost Me” (co-written by Sia) is one of the best tracks on Bionic, if not the best. Christina is redeeming herself right now for all the ball gag theatrics and vagina-talk she’s been doing lately. Well done, lady!

8:43 p.m. Even Ricky Gervais is having trouble being funny on this finale. Ugh.

8:48 p.m. The Top 12 Guys sing the incredibly modern and relevant Hall and Oates songs “I Can’t Go For That” and “Maneater.” Big surprise! Hall and Oates come out. We’d make another sarcastic comment about them singing “You Make My Dream Comes True,” but no joke, this song is fantastic. (Especially when it’s sung by H&O.)

8:51 p.m. Crystal dad’s is all kinds of awesome. Anyone else notice he has Mr. Bill tucked away in his front pocket?

8:53 p.m. We love Crystal singing Alanis Morissette, but Alanis has literally hundreds of other songs to choose over “Ironic.” And without an Alanis cameo, we’re not loving it—OH MY GOD ALANIS SHOWED UP. Criticism revoked. We. Love. This.

8:55 p.m. Lilith Fair is literally happening on stage before our eyes.

9 p.m. Carrie Underwood performs “Undo It,” wears leather and continues to be perfect. Ryan mentions that the song was co-written by Kara DioGuardi. Seriously, why can’t Kara write a good song for an Idol to sing? Instead they get dreck like “No Boundaries.”

9:05 p.m. Kris Allen presents Crystal and Lee with the keys to their own custom-designed Ford. They could not be less enthusiastic. Seriously, guys, try to crack a grin or something, it’s a free car!

9:07 p.m. Casey James performs an acoustic version of Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”… and the band kicks in when Bret Michaels walks in! (Sidenote: Isn’t it funny how like, two months ago Bret Michael was synonymous with skanky girls and lowest common denominator TV programming, and now he’s a celebrity musical guest on America’s most popular show? Just a thought. Discuss. Glad you’re back in good health, Bret!)

9:15 p.m. Lee DeWyze sings a medley with “Chicago” (his hometown and audition city). Um, Idol producers? Are you specifically gearing towards the 45+ demographic? Hall and Oates, the Bee Gees, Chicago? What’s with all these older-skewed choices for musical guests? Are you making up for having Ke$ha on?

9:18 p.m. Who else wants an Andrew Garcia/Paula Abdul duet of “Straight Up” before the end of the evening?

9:20 p.m. Dear god, they gave Bikini Girl one more second of fame during this Simon Is Narcissistic And Horny montage.

9:21 p.m. PANTS ON THE GROUND! We knew it was coming, but we didn’t know it would be this amazing. You know it’s been a long, uninteresting season when the most celebrated and memorable performance was from The General Larry Platt during the second episode.

9:22 p.m. WILLIAM HUNG! All we’re missing is Sanjaya and Norman Gentle and we’ve got the next chart-topping boy band.

9:30 p.m. Paula Abdul shows up to say goodbye to Simon, and gets more respect now than she did during her 8 season of being a judge. Paula looks incredible, but it’s kind of awkward with her up on stage – like she’s doing open mic night. “There’s a baby backstage with your haircut, and it’s your time to change him.” Paula, you peaked at your entrance. Go sit back down.

9:32 p.m. This beyond awkward stand-up is still going on! We have no idea what Paula is talking about! Oh, how we missed how bats*** crazy she is.

9:34 p.m. Yet another Simon montage, this time set to “My Way.” Simon’s hair has maintained its square shape throughout nine years. Wow.

9:35 p.m. Wow, they got every American Idol winner… except David Cook! Where’s our Cooksie?! This is incomplete without the Season 7 champ there.

9: 38 p.m. Ack! A Justin Guarini sighting! He lives! Also, all these past Idols are all wearing white, and it’s kind of creepy…. Are they supposed to be dead?

9:39 p.m. My god, Kelly Clarkson has changed since she won back in 2002. She’s all growns up! We’re digging the short haircut, too.

9:40 p.m. Simon Cowell gets up to make a speech. Are they going to knight him right then and there?

9:41 p.m. We’re hearing David Cook was booked for a charity event, which is why he wasn’t on stage with the rest of the Idol winners. Okay, we’ll let his absence slide this time, because otherwise we are horrible people.

9:44 p.m. The Top 12 Idols sing Janet Jackson’s “Again,” and reminds us how much we effing love this song. Janet Jackson rolls out with an intergalactic geisha outfit and some seriously close-cropped hair. Seriously, that haircut makes each one of her boobs look bigger than her head.

9:50 p.m. Janet performs “Nasty Boy”—trivia! Paula Abdul choreographed the music video back in the day. Which would be slightly more relevant if Paula was still a judge.

9:52 p.m. Just so you know, Janet Jackson is 44-years old. Altogether now: DAYUM.

9:53 p.m. “Tonight is about Lee and Crystal.”—Ryan. Really? Because it seems like it’s about Simon Cowell and old people.

9:54 p.m. Did you know Lee was a paint salesman?! Or that Crystal was a mom?! Well Idol is reminding you yet again!

9:55 p.m. Lee singing Joe Cocker = perfect. (Crystal’s good, too, obviously, but when isn’t she?)

9:56 p.m. Joe Cocker just unleashed the smoke monster out of his throat.

9:59 p.m. Um, Idol? Did you let Paula ramble too long? You’ve still got the matter of who-won-first-place to get to. And about 15 more Simon montages, too.

10 p.m. Okay, here we go! We’re calling it….. Crystal. Let’s see! (Honestly, we’re just happy if the winner breaks down in tears. We love to see a good, happy cry of joy.)

10:02 p.m. Our American Idol is… (cue dramatic Ryan Seacrest-sized pause)

10:03 p.m. ZOMG THE PAINT SALESMAN WON. “This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my life,” says Lee. He can barely focus. Okay, so we wanted Mama Sox to take home the big prize, but we’re getting a little teared up watching how shocked and happy he is. Aww.

10:04 p.m. We’d like to think that Lee’s off-key vocals on “Beautiful Day” is because he’s just too excited to deliver some killers vocals, but sadly, we know that’s not the case. Congrats, America! This is your American Idol Winner we’re going to have perform back on the show pretty much every year til the show gets canceled! (ie. 2012)

10:07 p.m. And it’s over! Are you guys disappointed? Elated? Leave your thoughts of Lee DeWyze winning—the third male winner in a row, mind you—in the comments. Thanks for joining our live blogging! We’re going to go mourn the loss of both Simon as judge and Crystal as Idol champ over a glass of Merlot.