It’s Blue Ivy Carter’s Birthday: A Projected Timeline Of The Next Five Years
Well, the day is finally upon us: Blue Ivy Carter — the Greatest Baby Of All Time, the Most Genetically Gifted Child Ever, the Boy Who Lived — has turned 1, which means she’s officially a person or something. And while hopes were high, it’s probably safe to say that Blue Ivy exceeded our expectations in her first year of life, even as the prodigious progeny of luminaries like Beyonce and Jay-Z. After all, she was a fashion icon! She was elusive even when trailed by a constant swarm of paparazzi! She actually became the youngest person to ever appear on the Billboard charts! We couldn’t have asked for more.
But that leaves us wondering — what else does baby Blue Ivy have up her sleeve? With that in mind, we prepared a projected timeline of Blue Ivy’s childhood.
2014 (Age 2): Blue Ivy releases two-disc debut album, Ratchet BB/The Real Me; a press release promises to showcase “Leading celebrity baby Blue Ivy’s unique sonic dynamism as R&B’s most versatile toddler,” anchored by dual lead singles, the electrifying uptempo “Terrible Twos (Twice As Nice)” and the guitar-led ballad “Already Scared of Lonely.”
2015 (Age 3): Blue Ivy announces a line of premiere toddler couture, comprised mostly of leather leggings. Critics call it “derivative of Lanvin and Ann Demeulemeester but still appealingly architectural.”
2016 (Age 4): Blue Ivy’s private jet makes an emergency landing somewhere outside of Houston after suffering mechanical problems. Local police bring Blu Cantrell in for questioning on suspicion of tampering with the plane, but they can’t make the charges stick.
2017 (Age 5): Blue Ivy collaborates with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West‘s baby on a cross-media fashion-music project, but following a public feud on a thing that’s like Twitter but with holograms and stuff because it’s 2017 and YOLO, the final product never surfaces. Lots of continued subtweets (or whatever they’re called in 2017).
2018 (Age 6): Blue Ivy retires.
