Ketchup: Ubiquitous, generally well-liked.
Key characteristics: Universally accepted as great background music; can be played at a party frequented by many different-minded souls with minimal complaint; informal surveys of friends will reveal that most people own at least one of their "essential" albums, but rarely own their entire discography.
Sample artists: Weezer, Air, Kelly Clarkson.
When they're past their sell-by date: When they're liked by almost too many people. (Think Dave Matthews.)

Mustard: Popular in its original form, but also available in spicy variations.
Key characteristics:Masters of reinvention; have found mainstream success with one genre of music, but can’t wait to go all Dijon and become something entirely different; tend to find success in most everything they do, to the chagrin of safe-but-steady ketchup bands.
Sample artists: Damon Albarn, Ne-Yo, Justin Timberlake.
When they're past their sell-by date: When they take it one step too far and become children’s book authors.

Ranch Dressing: It's kind of gross, and did you know it has, like, 1,000 calories? Eww—wait, is that a Sam's Club-sized bottle of ranch in your fridge? Busted.
Key characteristics: The aural equivalent of a band that turns your fancy baby spinach and endive salad into a cheeseburger; few people will admit to liking them, yet singalongs to their music are commonplace; classic bands of this ilk are popular sources for ironic T-shirt wearing.
Sample artists: Ultravox, Cobra Starship, Carrie Underwood.
When they're past their sell-by date: When a snoopy friend discovers their songs in your iTunes library. (This is why I keep such acts in a secret folder known as “Hidden Valley.”)

Pesto: Are you going to buy it on your own? No. Do you enjoy it on a $20 sandwich at a restaurant? Yes.
Key characteristics: Highbrow critics swear by them; they are cited as an influence by many mainstream musicians; their sections at your local record store are accompanied by breathless two-index-card treatises on their genius; someone in the band has been rumored to be mentally unstable, resulting in long gaps between releases.
Sample artists: Scott Walker (Scott 4 through The Drift), Patti Smith, My Bloody Valentine.
When they're past their sell-by date: The inevitable reunion tour, which is risky, and could turn them into a creamier pesto… a sort of ranch, some might say.

Wish-Bone Salad Spritzers: That new spray-on salad dressing looks totally cool, and it's only 10 calories per squirt. I should try it…one day.
Key characteristics: Frequently cited as “brilliant” and “life-changing”; it’s a burden on your life that you have never tried to get into them; when dropped into a conversation, you say you’ve "heard of them but haven’t heard them."
Sample artists:Death Cab For Cutie, Bright Eyes, The Shins.
When they're past their sell-by date: When you get called out for faking affection toward them.

Newman’s Own: The critics and masses alike adored him, and he's versatile enough to have put out a whole line of his own condiments.
Ingredients: Think ketchup, but with fans that think they are the bombolina because they possess a rare combination of talent and success.
Sample artists: Radiohead, The Roots, Bjork.
When they're past their sell-by date: When they reach a little too far in trying to have it both ways, and do things like collaborate with with Timbaland. (I’m looking at you, Bjork.)

One commenter thought that Newman's Own bands should also include musicians who perform various charitable acts. But if a band or musician has become famous enough to really make a difference in the world through charity work, the possibility for backlash is inevitable. Which brings me to my final pop condiment classification.

Miracle Whip: Sure, its name makes it sound impressive. But is it really capable of anything close to a miracle?
Ingredients: Overexposure; less time devoted to music because of meetings with various world leaders about peace; incipient God complex; wire stories about "political" asides at concerts; tendencies toward writing "messages" on own skin with Sharpies.
Sample artists: Coldplay, U2, Kanye West.
When they're past their sell-by date: Miracle Whip bands have got that gooey stuff around the lid and everything, and you should probably throw them out. But they’ll stay in the fridge door of popular opinion forever.

Says Bjork:

(Bjork has) been forced to withdraw from the festival next week due to the volatile nature of this event. Bjork is extremely disappointed that this show will now no longer go ahead. They have been unable to secure any staging, sound and lighting for this festival, making it impossible for the headline artists to perform and are unable to fulfill their contractual obligations to all of the artists contracted to perform at their event (sic).

Wild In The Country responds:

It was brought to our attention by nme.com that Bjork no longer intends to appear at the Wild in the Country festival. A letter confirming this was apparently emailed to Wild in the Country organiser Geoff Oakes outside normal business hours on the evening of Friday 27th June.

There have been what we believed to be still ongoing discussions regarding Bjork's production requirements.

We are obviously disappointed, having the utmost respect for Bjork as an artiste, and extend our best wishes to her.

Contrary to what has been suggested, we have diligently provided all production requirements for all of the other acts appearing on this years line-up.

Kanye West has yet to announce his availability as a replacement headliner.

Wild In The Country [Official Site]
Bjork Pulls Out Of British Festival Appearance [Contact Music]

As the woman was leaving, some sort of nexus of doubt and self-loathing briefly overcame me.

Then it was my turn to get red wine and it passed.

Glenn Jeffrey, a photographer with the Herald, told the paper Bjork was accompanied by a man who asked him not to take photographs.
"I took a couple of pictures and I got about three or four frames of her ... and as I turned and walked away she came up behind me, grabbed the back of my black skivvy (sweatshirt) and tore it down the back," he said. "As she did this she fell over, she fell to the ground. At no stage did I touch her or speak with her."
Bjork said nothing during the confrontation, but her companion pleaded with her to stop, Jeffrey said.

After which she returned to her undersea lair her trip, hopefully never to terrorize Antipodean gossip hounds ever again...

Bjork Attacks Photographer In New Zealand [Reuters]

^* That one was for Maura.

Bjork, Michel Gondry, some kinda whimsical industrial loom-marionette contraption, stark "Rhythm Nation" atmosphere, megaphone-enabled shouting, banging your head on the Icelandic lava rock, general confusion as to what in the hell is going on, unison poinging to fuzzy mid-tempo gabba beats = expected quirk freakout from two conjoined masters of the form.

Bjork - "Declare Independence" [YouTube]

PICK—Scratch Massive: Time (Chateaurouge)
The crude sexist joke asks: "Why do women yawn and stretch in the morning?" Answer: "Because they have no balls to scratch." Yet ass-scratching could easily be the punchline, as it is for bands like Scratch Acid and sleazy French electro group Scratch Massive. Nothing gets that blood gorging going faster than their latest, Time. The group just knows the male mind mid-morning: your lil' buddy is up, admiring the ceiling and making flapjacks for your late-sleeping sweetie. Which prompts another ribald riddle: "How do you tell the female Hershey's bar?" "It's the one with no nuts." A+

Björk: Volta (Atlantic)
Conspiring with husband (co-op clothing horse Matthew Barney), visionary musician Björk enters that brave new world of video games with her latest. Heavily influenced by arcade games that are vintage (Space Invaders) and hip-hop-flavored (Def Jam Vendetta), Volta is the original soundtrack for her own surreal futuristic fighting game. Choose from fighters like the eerily cock diesel Timbaland, tai chi master Min Xiao-Fen, or the Lightning Bolt dude (gamer's tip: Antony's "special move" is bullshit) and proceed to decapitate opponents and rip them apart "Vertebrae by Vertebrae." Why Björk sorta looks like a fortress boss I defeated in Mega Man, I don't know. A-

Maxïmo Park: Our Earthly Pleasures (Warp)
A few years ago, postpunk bands had to have angular guitars and a copy of Entertainment! to score chicks. Yet abuse Photoshop's rubber stamp tool as photo editors might, an up-and-coming act with dandruff will show on that RS Hot List pic. Luckily, Maxïmo Park considers Head & Shoulders both as necessity and an earthly pleasure, even if they can only travel with 5 fl oz. on tour. Readily they pick up "Girls Who Play Guitar" and quote Russkie lit in their lyrics, but they also remind the damaged kids in their audience that they needn't suffer damaged ends, too. B+

The Blow: Poor Aim: Love Songs (K Records)
No one does cyber love via AIM communiqué quite like "Bloodninja" from issue No. 3 of the splendid 'zine Yeti. Doing "The R." one better, this little AIM scamp freaks with his rhino-charging fantasies, wizard hats, pizza penetration, and "unleash(ing) my cauliflower" on sex boards and horny IMers, to hilariously tear-jerking results (not that other jerking). Seriously, Bloodninja needs a book. What does Bloodninja have to do with the Blow? Nothing, but he's more interesting than remixes by nobodies like K Maricich, DJ Alan Fortarte, or Strategy. Where I'm from, a one-eyed cat just means it's walking away from you. C+

- "The disc's problems, unfortunately, are more than a matter of poor percussion. 'The Dull Flame of Desire,' for instance, featuring warbling guest vocalist Antony Hegarty of New York-based avant-pop faves Antony and the Johnsons, begins strong, with the album's prettiest horn melody. But the song's title becomes all too appropriate as the duo tease and mangle the same refrain — 'I love your eyes, my dear' — over and over with increasing theatricality. The sappy vamping is so excessive that even Björk's beautiful voice grows tiresome. At that point, not even the hottest beat would help. B-" [Entertainment Weekly]

- "In the end, though, those golden moments are too few and far between, and the slow, unfurling, lingering moments too long. If the critical and fan response to this album reflects that of the fascinatingly eccentric (but largely maligned) Medúlla, I'll be curious to see how she responds. Until then, Volta is mostly proof that Björk is as fallible as the messy, unpredictable humanity she celebrates, and that even her definition of "pop" is avant-garde. [Rating: 5.8]" [Pitchfork]

- "Björk's collaborators on "Volta" are eclectic to a fault: the Congolese group Konono No. 1, which plays amplified kalimbas; the frantic drummer Brian Chippendale, of the American duo Lightning Bolt; a ten-piece all-female Icelandic brass band; and a Chinese pipa player, among others. This musical solicitude is a testament to Björk's fearless curiosity, but her restlessness can be wearying. When disparate teams of musicians attempt to realize one musician's ideas, every song becomes yet another stone turned over rather than one put in place. On Volta, melodic motifs rarely repeat the way they do in most songs, and many of Björk's vocal performances feel like improvisations." [The New Yorker]
- Speaking of Volta, remember when that music blog ran an incorrect picture of its cover? That was mad stupid." [Idolator]

Bjork, Volta
The artist: Bewitching Icelandic exclamation-point user and a supporting cast that includes Timbaland, Antony Hegarty, and Konono No. 1.
The sound: Scraps of sounds from all over the galaxy, pasted together with glee.
The first in line: This guy.

Mike Jones, The American Dream
The artist: Houston hip-hop impresario who can't wait for your phone call.
The sound: Blippy beats and and unbridled shoutouts ... to Mike Jones.
The first in line: Americans named Mike Jones. (It's always nice to have anthems to yourself.)

The View, Hats Off To The Buskers
The artist: Scottish next-big-kids who have had a bit of a rough time crossing the pond.
The sound: The next Arctic Monkeys! Or something.
The first in line: Fans of "Mis-Shapes who aren't so sure about the MisShapes.

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, Strength & Loyalty
The artist: Cleveland vocal-rap group whose "Tha Crossroad" is one of the '90s greatest laments.
The sound: More love, less thug (and guest spots from half of R & B, including Akon, Mariah Carey, and Swizz Beatz).
The first in line: Michelle Malkin's assistant.

Mary Timony Band, The Shapes We Make
The artist: Growly guitar goddess and a pair of pals.
The sound: Chunky, twisty, knotty strands of prog-influenced indie rock.
The first in line: Willie Mae Rock Camp counselors.

On The CD Front [Pause & Play]

Yesterday, you might have heard rumors about a Volta leak through UK iTunes, but nothing actually came of it. I wrote it off as a prank, to be honest. But now, rumors are flying around again, and it appears that Volta actually was available on UK iTunes late from Monday night to early Tuesday morning, a full two weeks before it's [sic!!!] actual release date.

The leak actually sounds pretty crummy, with a few the files skipping thanks to their being flipped from AAC to MP3. We're pretty sure that Björk's music needs the higher fidelity to be fully appreciated, but our recent obsession with all things DRM-related is making us wonder if this mix-up—which echoes the Arcade Fire "leak" that happened earlier this year—will be used as major-label leverage to clamp down digital protection on its iTunes-sold files. We can hear the majors' arguments now: "Think of it as a technological protection against human error!" Not to mention a way to keep the status quo intact, which suits the record biz just fine.

Volta Leaked . . . On iTunes [Shameless Complacency]

Bjork - Earth Intruders [MP3, link removed]
Bjork [MySpace]
[Photo: AP]

We normally don't bother with crappy cell-phone videos, but this brief peek of the Sugarcubes performing "Birthday" at their reunion concert Friday night in Reykjavík proves that even twenty years later, Bjork's voice still has the uncanny ability to bug the hell out of your mom.

The Sugarcubes - Birthday concert Iceland 17.11.2006 [YouTube]

Bjork-Pdiddy.gif [Virose.net]

The Sugarcubes—the off-kilter Icelandic band that launched the career of actress/singer/professional quirk Bjork—are having a one-off reunion show in Reykjavik to celebrate the 20th anniversary of their first English-language single, the bubbly Bjork-growl showcase "Birthday." We bet she can still hit all those notes.

The Sugarcubes bounce back into concert! [bjork.com]
"Birthday" [YouTube]