Okay, is Donald Trump trying to up his gay cred? The lineup for the twelfth season of Celebrity Apprentice was revealed today, and in addition to somewhat-self-proclaimed bisexual/former Danity Kane member Aubrey O’Day and out, loud and proud gents Clay Aiken and George Takei, gay icons Debbie Gibson and Lisa Lampanelli will be duking it out with the rest of the cast (which also includes singer/actress Tia Carrere, rocker Dee Snider and comedians Adam Carolla and Arsenio Hall). But, honestly, they had us at Debbie Gibson. Celebrity Apprentice premieres on February 12 on NBC.

American Idol is celebrating a decade on the air by releasing a greatest hits compilation called American Idol 10th Anniversary — The Hits. The biggest problem (besides there being nary one Jennifer Hudson song) is that the term “hits” is about as appropriate a word to use as “stars” is on Dancing With The Stars. Jump below to find out what songs and artists Fox considers a success.

Here’s what you get on American Idol 10th Anniversary — The Hits… a bunch of songs you probably already have and a handful of others you never had any intention of owning:

“Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson
“Superstar” by Ruben Studdard
“Invisible” by Clay Aiken
“When I See You” by Fantasia
“Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood
“Takin’ It To The Streets” by Taylor Hicks
“Home” by Daughtry
“No Air” by Jordin Sparks (with Chris Brown)
“Light On” by David Cook
“Live Like We’re Dying” by Kris Allen
“Whataya Want From Me” by Adam Lambert
“Sweet Serendipity” by Lee DeWyze

So, in this context, “hits” means “was released as a single.” Or not actually! Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks’ contribution to this track list is a cover he performed on the show (which also doubled as the B-side to his “Do I Make You Proud” single).

The problem with a greatest hits album is that only a few of the contestants (and even fewer of the nine winners) have had any actual hits. What about a CD full of remastered recordings from memorable live performances from the show’s nine seasons? Fantasia’s “Summertime”, Blake Lewis’ “You Give Love A Bad Name”, Crystal Bowersox’s “Me And Bobby McGee”, Kris Allen’s “Heartless”, Adam Lambert’s “Mad World”, Carrie Underwood’s “Alone”… we could go on.

David Cook’s “Billie Jean”! Taylor Hicks’ “You Are So Beautiful To Me”! Constantine Maroulis’ “Bohemian Rhapsody”! Jordin Sparks’ “I Who Have Nothing”! See? We weren’t kidding! These songs are ten million times more enjoyable than listening to “Sweet Serendipity” again, since we barely made it through listening to it the first time.

What would have made the cut on your Idol Greatest Hits album?

[EW Music Mix]

This week’s Billboard Top 200 sees Jack Johnson knock the cast of Glee off the top, and new albums from Taio Cruz and Clay Aiken debut in the Top 10. But perhaps the biggest chart news is Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg’s inescapable summer jam “California Gurls” snagging the #1 position over on the Hot 100. It marks Katy’s second chart topper and Snoop’s third. See how it all played out after the jump!

It’s the fourth week for “California Gurls” on the Hot 100, and Billboard notes that the song makes the quickest sprint to the top of the chart by a Capitol single since Bobbie Gentry’s “Ode to Billie Joe” likewise reached #1 in four weeks on the chart dated August 26, 1967. “California Gurls” sold 318,000 downloads last week.

Meanwhile, yesterday Katy Perry spoke out—or, we should say tweeted out—against Lady Gaga’s music video for “Alejandro,” a song that’s also in the Top 10 of the Hot 100. Can we expect a little monster campaign to ramp up downloading of the single in retaliation?

Over on the album chart, Jack Johnson’s To The Sea sold 243,000 copies to land at #1. Billboard points out this breaks an eight-week streak of the top-selling album moving less than 200,000 copies.

Further down, Taio Cruz debuts at #8 with RokStarr. Back in March the singer told us, “I would love to do a tour. There aren’t plans for a tour just yet but hopefully with the upcoming album there will be a demand by the fans so Taio can rock out with the Rokstarr album.”

Finally, Clay Aiken’s album of covers, Tried & True, goes in at #9. Below is Clay talking about the LP, fatherhood and going on tour with Ruben Studdard this summer on last night’s Chelsea Lately.

The Top 10 of Billboard’s Top 200 Albums:

1. Jack Johnson, To The Sea *new*
2. Justin Bieber, My World 2.0
3. Glee Cast, Glee: The Music—Vol. 3, Showstoppers
4. Lady Antebellum, Need You Now
5. Usher, Raymond v. Raymond
6. Lady Gaga, The Fame
7. Carole King & James Taylor, Live At The Troubadour
8. Taio Cruz, Rokstarr *new*
9. Clay Aiken, Tried & True *new*
10. Ke$ha, Animal

Simon Cowell may have just rendered the biggest judgment call of his career with his decision to bid farewell to American Idol. But what is his real legacy as a talent spotter? Before he calls in his manservants to ship his tight black shirts over to The X Factor, we decided to take a look back at Simon’s best — and worst — judgments on Idol. No question, he possesses keen insight. But maybe there’s also a reason the final voting is left up to America.

Without a doubt, Simon’s exit will mean that Fox has some enormous (platform-enhanced) shoes to fill. But Cowell has always been more than a frowny, cross-armed insult generator. A veteran music executive/talent scout, Simon has long cultivated a reputation as the shrewdest Idol judge, able to accurately forecast pop career success with an insider’s savvy. For all his eye rolls and snide remarks, however, he hasn’t always made the right calls. It’s time to rewind through his handling of past contestants and consider what he got right—and wrong.

Season 1 – Kelly Clarkson (winner)

Simon’s Call: Yay. Simon said Kelly’s “great.” He even hugs her after she scores a ticket to Hollywood (and this is after he had nine other female contestants exiting in tears before she performed).  But Kelly claims he didn’t remember her at the Pasadena audition, and that maybe she was just too “plain jane” for Simon.

Actual Outcome: She was a winner all right, but fans saw her as considerably more than a plain jane. Her first post-Idol album, Thankful, went platinum, and she’s since turned into a superstar, earning two Grammys along the way.

Season 1 – Justin Guarini (runner up)

Simon Call: Simon tells Justin, “This is the point that I’m going to admit that American talent is probably better than English talent. Occasionally privileged to hear someone who’s undiscovered with a voice like yours, and this is one of those moments. Amazing.”

Actual Outcome: We’ll table the debate on the U.S. vs. the U.K. for the moment, but Justin would go on to finish #2 on the show’s first season—not too shabby. But then (after he co-stars the contractually obligated film abomination that is From Justin to Kelly) he all but disappears. Blame an ill-timed album release, lack of a pop single, a stinker of a movie—whatever it was, Justin unfortunately peaked on Idol.

Season 2 – Ruben Studdard (winner)

Simon Call: “Very good voice.  Yes.”

Actual Outcome: Pretty unenthusiastic first impression of the man who went on to win Season 2 of American Idol. Ruben scored a hit single off his first album, Soulful, as well as a Grammy nomination, but his recording career petered out after that, with two less successful followup leading to his exit from his record label. (He has found some recent success as an actor in musical theater, including in a production of Ain’t Misbehavin’.)

Season 2 – Clay Aiken (runner up)

Simon Call: “Okay. Very good. You don’t look like a pop star, but you’ve got a great voice. So now what? Clay Aiken, we’ll see you in Hollywood.”

Actual Outcome: Oh, ye of little faith. Thankfully for Clay, the mass market can sometimes see greatness beneath the surface. While he may have come in second (by a mere 130,000 votes), Clay went on to debut at #1 on the Billboard chart with the highest-selling first album by an Idol alum to date. He has scored a number of subsequent hits (though he left the RCA label in 2008), generated some $28 million at the concert box office in his first five tours, and starred on Broadway in Spamalot.

Season 3 – Fantasia Barrino (winner)

Simon Call: “The girl’s got a great voice, it’s just, I always try and imagine people at this stage where you go throughout the competition. Because you have such a distinct voice, and at one point what is deemed an advantage will then possibly become a disadvantage. Because you are what you are.” Fantasia then followed up with her rendition of “Proud Mary” to which Simon said, “I actually think you’re one of the best we’ve ever had. That’s what I think.”

Actual Outcome: America was less on the fence about Fantasia. She not only went on to win Season 3 of American Idol, but was successful enough to drop her last name. She’s the first recording artist in history to debut at the number one spot with a debut single. Her debut album went platinum and earned a slew of Grammy nominations. She’s starred on Broadway in The Color Purple — but in recent years her personal struggles have overshadowed her career, with her attempted redemption the subject of a new VH1 reality show Fantasia for Real. What did he mean by “you are what you are” we wonder?

Season 3 – Diana DeGarmo (runner up)

Simon Call: “What’s the problem? Cause I know what the problem is… It’s the horrible routine. The cutesy routine you do with your songs.” He found Diana’s smile “quite irritating”, but he still gave her his vote for a ticket to Hollywood.

Actual Outcome: America was clearly less irritated by her super-sweetness and voted her runner up of Season 3. The stage proved to be the perfect home for DeGarmo’s “cutesy routine,” in fact: she’s found success in the touring productions of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and on Broadway as Penny Pingleton in Hairspray, and she can currently be seen in the off-Broadway production of The Toxic Avenger.

Season 4 – Carrie Underwood (winner)

Simon’s Call: “Very good. Stay good at what you’re doing.” Carrie’s performance also prompted Simon to say that he was surprised that Idol hadn’t yielded a strong country act yet. By coincidence(?), he declared in the top 11 finalists’ round that Carrie would not only win the season, but outsell any previous Idol winner.

Actual Outcome: Simon was right on both of those counts (though depending on the album cycle, the sales title belongs to either Carrie or Kelly). You probably also know who she’s engaged to, and all her diet and fitness tips too.

Season 4 – Bo Bice (runner up)

Simon’s Call: “Great great great great great. Definitely.”

Actual Outcome: While Bo was voted #2 by America, his version of the single “Inside Your Heaven” actually outsold Carrie Underwood’s. That’s where it seems Bo ran out of steam. His debut album, The Real Thing, struggled to even reach gold-level sales, and the RCA label dropped him before he could record a second. Maybe instead of “Great great great great. Definitely,” Simon should have said, “Good good good good good. Maybe.”

Season 5 – Taylor Hicks (winner)

Simon’s Call: “My problem is, and I’ve always said this, it is not just about the voice. And you prove that.” He disagreed completely with Paula and Randy. He did not think Taylor could be commercially successful. Simon explained that Taylor should be singing backgrounds, “not in the spotlight.” He warned Taylor that although Paula and Randy were giving him a ticket to Hollywood, “they will not put you in the final group to be judged by public.” Ouch!

Actual Outcome: Not just about the voice? Tell that to the “Soul Patrol,” Simon. Taylor went on to win Season 5, and Simon offered a rare admission—he had been wrong. And so much for not having the “look” Simon thought Hicks needed. People magazine named the gray-haired wonder the Hottest Bachelor of 2006. Hicks did struggle to sell albums, but he went on to play the role of Teen Angel in the Broadway production of a little musical called Grease. (Some spotlight, huh Simon?) Last year, he came in at #10 on Forbes’ “Top Ten earning American Idol stars” list.

Season 5 – Katharine McPhee (runner up)

Simon’s Call: “Parts of that was [sic] absolutely fantastic… I’ll tell you what I love about you, you’re very current. You’re very, very current… You’re on the money, you know? It’s not stage school, it’s not wannabe-ish. It’s just very very very what is happening today. Amazing.”

Actual Outcome: Katharine wasn’t exactly right on the money, but she was pretty close. She had the second-best-selling single of 2006 after Taylor Hicks’ “Do I Make You Proud,” though her initial album didn’t take off. (Her sophomore outing, Unbroken, just hit the street). And while Simon said she wasn’t “stage school,” Katharine has gone on to have an acting career with a role in The House Bunny, a guest spot on CSI: NY, and will have a role on NBC’s Community as Chevy Chase’s stepdaughter.

Season 6 – Jordin Sparks (winner)

Simon’s Call: Simon presented Jordin with this analogy: “Sometimes I like to put one sugar in my coffee, that was the equivalent of 11 sugars… A bit over the top… weird smile through out. All I’m saying is it was a little bit too sugary for my taste. You’re gonna do well, but it wasn’t perfect.”

Actual Outcome: Jordin wins American Idol. Simon may have found her sweet, but has delivered some impassioned performances (and hits) in songs like “No Air,” with all-around-sweetheart Chris Brown, and “Battlefield,” which had the best pre-chorus of the year. And while Simon thought her smile was weird, Jordin went on to become the face of Avon makeup’s teen line, Mark.

Season Six – Blake Lewis (runner up)

Simon’s Call: “You’re good. You’re just very over the top. I don’t know if you’re as good as you think you are… I think you’re good enough to go through to the next round, I’m just not as easily impressed as Paula is.” He also called Blake “obnoxious.” Way harsh, Simon.

Actual Outcome: Blake wasn’t just good enough to get to the next round, he was good enough to take home second place in Idol. His rendition of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” was the highest-selling download of the season. Obnoxious? Well, he was polite enough to score an invitation to perform at the 2009 Congressional Clubs’ First Lady’s Luncheon to Honor Michelle Obama (with a beatbox verison of “America the Beautiful”). That said, Lewis hasn’t had the chart success or touring career of some of his fellow Idol alumni. So perhaps Simon wasn’t totally wrong on this one.

Season Seven – David Cook (winner)

Simon’s Call: “Other than being a little worthy, it was good.” (We have no idea what that means either.)

Actual Outcome: Maybe Simon meant “worthy” as in being worthy of the title of “next American Idol,” because that’s exactly where Cook ended up. David then went on to break Billboard chart records by being the first artist to have 11 songs debut on the Hot 100 in a single week, and his debut album is platinum.

Season 7 – David Archuleta (runner up)

Simon’s Call: “Great choice of song by the way. I really enjoyed it.” That’s it?! That’s all you have for this little cherub-faced crooner?

Actual Outcome: While David was named one of Forbes’ “Breakout Stars of 2008″ he’s not exactly lighting the world on fire. While his debut album (self-titled) racked up sales of more than 750,000 copies, it’s not clear that the kid is loaded with pop hits. Maybe Simon was right to just focus on David’s song selection, rather than his performance.

Season 8 – Kris Allen (winner)

Simon’s Call: “I think part of the problem, Kris, is you. Because you don’t have a huge amount of personality and your modesty is actually putting me off a little bit.” Simon later went on to say, “I’m going to give you another shot. Yes.”

Actual Outcome: Kris has no reason to be modest now: he won Season 8. His version of “No Boundaries” outsold fellow Idol contestant Adam Lambert’s. Allen’s cover of Kanye West’s “Heartless” hit #13 on the chart and his self-titled album debuted at #11 on the Billboard album chart. Does he have the staying power? Is Simon right? Will his “lack of personality” get in the way of a long-term career as a singer? Only time will tell.

Season 8 – Adam Lambert (runner up)

Simon’s Call: Other judges thought that Idol was ready for someone like Lambert. Simon thought he was “theatrical… not current.”

Actual Outcome: Theatrical, maybe (they don’t call him Glambert for nothing). But “not current”? Hardly. Lambert’s style has helped turn him into a fashion icon, and his controversial American Music Awards performance became international news. His album For Your Entertainment debuted at #3 on the Billboard album chart, higher than Kris Allen’s. For now, it looks like Lambert is as current as it gets.

———-

That’s all so far. Of course, Simon’s most recent decision is the one that may have the most serious consequences. Any bets on whether he made the right one?

Once upon a time, in June of 2002, an oddball new program spun off from a British singing talent show debuted on U.S. airwaves. American Idol promised contestants a chance to fulfill dreams of stardom. But who knew it would become the ultimate TV juggernaut, the show that would hijack Americans’ Tuesdays and Wednesdays for months at a stretch? And who knew it would have such power to transform people so powerfully? A former waitress from small-town Texas becomes a pop megastar. A geeky (but uppity) kid named Clay emerges as a heartthrob. Over the past eight seasons we’ve noticed a theme: Idol isn’t just a talent competition, it’s a makeover show. And it’s not just for the singing contestants — judges and even Ryan have undergone radical changes since Idol arrived. Check out the most dramatic metamorphoses in Idol history.

With Paula Abdul having departed American Idol earlier this year and rumblings of Simon Cowell possibly following suit this coming spring, the blockbuster Fox reality singing competition may never be the same after 2010.

Nevertheless, Idol proved to be an omnipresent television force during the first decade of the new millennium, transforming some unknowns into superstars and turning others into punchlines. Here are 32 things that would or would not have happened had American Idol never spun off from U.K. series Pop Idol and hit American airwaves in 2002.

Thank goodness the Onion’s A.V. Club  susses out the least essential albums clogging the market each year. How else would consumers be warned of the perils of, say, Playlist: The Very Best Of Clay Aiken or Johnny Cash Remixed while out splurging during the busy fourth quarter shopping season?

Do you think a trivial thing like a recession is enough to deter holiday shoppers with a few extra nickels in their pockets from picking up Katy Perry’s Unplugged set? Hell, no! Bad taste will always transcend market forces.

Hop below to see the A.V. Club’s list of the Least Essential Albums Of 2009. (And tell Aunt Barb sitting at the table beside you to put her wallet back in her purse.)

Least essential remix album: grave-desecration division: Various Artists, Johnny Cash Remixed

Least essential peek behind the curtain: Katy Perry, Unplugged

Least essential comeback by the most obnoxiously awful and sort of Christian-y hard-rock band of the last 20 years: Creed, Full Circle

Least essential celebrity vanity album (and that’s really saying something): The Boxmasters, Modbilly

Least essential album of music that parents think is cool, dumbed-down for their kids: Various Artists, Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions Of Guns N’ Roses

Least essential album by a celebrity who doesn’t actually appear on it: Various Artists, Bill Cosby Presents The Cosnarati: State Of Emergency

Least essential act of generational grave robbery: Nat “King” Cole, Re:Generations

Least essential solo album by the least essential Red Hot Chili Pepper: John Frusciante, The Empyrean

Least essential cash-in on the overwhelming grief for a dead pop star (that wasn’t perpetrated by a member of that pop star’s family): Michael Jackson, The Remix Suite

Least essential greatest-hits collection that makes a mockery of the very notion of a greatest-hits collection: Clay Aiken, Playlist: The Very Best Of Clay Aiken

Least essential rap album by a stand-up comedian: Mike Epps, Funny Bidness: Da Album

Least essential entry in a long-running series that doesn’t feature the word “NOW” in the title: Voices: WWE The Music Vol. 9

Least essential album of 2009: Everclear, In A Different Light

Last night’s 30 Rock season finale closed out with a grand parody of one of those celebrity-studded benefit songs, a la “We’re Sending Our Love Down This Well” and “What’s Going On ’01.” “Kidney Now!” saw Cyndi Lauper, Michael McDonald, Mary J. Blige, Elvis Costello, Norah Jones, and a slew of other well/sorta-well-known musicians warbling in honor of Jack Donaghy’s dad (played by Alan Alda)’s nephorotic needs. There’s even a splashy mini-site with a karaoke version of the track to go along with it–although Clay Aiken fans are probably going to get a bit riled up, given that its list of participating celebrities somehow managed to exclude their hero, perhaps because of his alleged relation to Kenneth the Page. (Take heart, Claymates: Mike D got left off the list as well, and he doesn’t even have your insane completely devoted fanbase!) Clip after the jump.





My burning question: Did anyone out there recognize every person on that stage? I actually thought Rachael Yamagata was Allison Mossheart, thanks to the bangs.


Kidney Now! [Hulu]
Kidney Now! [NBC]

In this preview for tonight’s 30 Rock season finale, Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghy basically blackmails Mary J. Blige, Elvis Costello, and an unrecognizable Clay Aiken into performing at a charity concert for his newly discovered, kidney-deficient father. A commercial for this episode–which will also feature Sheryl Crow and Rob Thomas, because they tend to show up on these sorts of things–promised “an ending that will end up on the Internet,” which I thought was a given since every single episode of 30 Rock has been on Hulu, like, the next morning, but maybe that was a subtle hint that NBC is really serious about getting into the whole music-blog thing? [NBC]

Thanksgiving only seems like a dowdy holiday. Turkey, football, family, autumn leaves buried beneath incipient slush–all wonderful, none especially flamboyant. (Well, maybe the football is–I don’t know.) However, TV this Thanksgiving week is teeming with an array of musicians who’ve either been regulars in Vegas, Branson, and/or Broadway, or are on their way there. (You just know the Foo Fighters are going to headline some ’00s stage once the casino owners have merged into three factions.) Americans, celebrate your country by celebrating its glitz:

Rosie’s Variety Show (NBC, 8 p.m. EST, Wed., Nov. 26)
This ought to be a Battle of the Network Stars of fabulosity: “You never know what will happen when Rosie takes the stage with stars such as Alec Baldwin, Alanis Morrissette, Jane Krakowski, Ne-Yo, Liza Minnelli, Rachael Ray, Harry Connick Jr., Clay Aiken, Gloria Estefan, and Kathy Griffin.” I have an idea or two, but I’ll save it for the live-blog. (Psyche.)

Top Chef (Bravo, 10 p.m. EST, Wed., Nov. 26)
Tonight, on the third episode in the fifth season of our most beloved elimination-contest rubbernecker, the Foo Fighters will have a Thanksgiving meal cooked for them by the contestants. (Can’t wait to see how stiffly the product placements will go.) The preview by itself has taught me a lot: namely, that Dave Grohl and Co. “just have this aura around them” (it’s called waxy yellow buildup), and that the bearded S.F. gay guy has an apparently uncontrollable crush on lead judge Tom Colicchio. Tension! Suspense! Albums that might as well be carbon copies of the ones before them! This one clearly has it all.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (NBC, 9 a.m. all zones, Thu., Nov. 27)
Headliner: Miley Cyrus. Others performing: David Archuleta, the Cheetah Girls, Trace Adkins, Kristen Chenoweth, James Taylor (?), Andy Williams (??). How they’ll compare to the giant Marmaduke: not even close.

NFL: Detroit Lions vs. Tennessee Titans at Ford Field (CBS, 12:30 p.m. EST, Thu., Nov. 27)
Halftime show: Jesse McCartney, who inspired this rather wonderful retort from The Big Lead’s Ty Duffy:

Detroit doesn’t have much. The economy is terrible. The Lions are worse. Through thankful tradition, we get one day a year of national prominence. Could you choose a Detroit musician?

Cleveland named Rock N’Roll, Detroit invented it. It brought the world Motown, Hard Rock and Techno. Besides cheap pizza and poorly designed cars, Detroit’s greatest contribution to American culture is its music. Celebrate it.

NFL: Dallas Cowboys vs. Seattle Seahawks at Cowboys Stadium (Fox, 3:15 p.m. EST, Thu., Nov. 27)
Halftime: The Jonas Brothers. We live in rather odd times.

One of the things you find yourself saying about music when you’re a teenager, along with “I like everything except country,” is “I respect them, but I don’t like them.” You say this partially to not look like the sort of ignoramus who doesn’t appreciate Yngwie Malmsteen’s tapping technique, and partially because you don’t want to piss off your friends. But it turns out this simple formulation stands in for an entire complex relationship between bands and their audience. Kevin Roberts, CEO of marketing giant Saatchi & Saatchi, calls the sweet spot where loving and respecting come together a “lovemark.” And there’s a graph!

Roberts’ argument is that many brands attain respect, either by consistently putting out high-quality products or by cultivating an image of being high-quality through marketing. But if a respected brand goes away, it can easily be replaced by another. Brands that have achieved “lovemark” status, however, are irreplaceable, because consumers have developed a kind of personal relationship with them; the best example for this sort of thing would be Apple. It takes a long time to get to this point, but once you do, you’ve secured a good, long run for yourself.

We probably need to wave our hands at an issue at this point: there’s an extra “r” in the object under discussion, and that might make the kind of people who have personal relationships with bands uncomfortable. We don’t like to think of bands as being commercial entities, despite the evidence that money is essential for the realization of artistic vision. But this discomfort is also a fact of life, something that bands have to skillfully avoid if they want to become respected and/or loved–to pretend not to be commercial entities while staying ruthless in their business dealings. Still, the music industry could always use a little advice on its marketing techniques.

For those of us that just talk about music, the graph is a useful conception. For instance, it explains the angry disconnect between dedicated fans of particular popstars and everyone else. Clay Aiken fans, to take an example entirely at random, rate Clay highly on the Love axis, and even if the rest of us don’t, we can at least understand how people would. But because Claymates go further and insist that he should be rated highly on the Respect axis too, it causes a disconnect. Even if there’s no rational basis for the feeling, everyone who’s not a Clay Aiken fan would agree that he doesn’t really seem worthy of respect, no matter how much you like him. Claymates’ conviction that their love for Clay comes along with a sort of logically consistent respect makes them seem, well, a little unhinged, or at least like rubes. Of course, you can say this about dedicated fans of anything you yourself see as worthless.

Roberts’ specific tips for how to achieve lovemark status contain some useful pointers for up-and-coming bands, and a handy description of how that sort of fandom works for the rest of us:

A Lovemark’s high Love is infused with these three intangible, yet very real, ingredients: Mystery, Sensuality and Intimacy.

Mystery draws together stories, metaphors, dreams and symbols. It is where past, present and future become one. Mystery adds to the complexity of relationships and experiences because people are drawn to what they don’t know. After all, if we knew everything, there would be nothing left to learn or to wonder at.

Sensuality keeps the five senses on constant alert for new textures, intriguing scents and tastes, wonderful music. Sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste. Our senses work together to alert us, lift us, transport us. When they are stimulated at the same time, the results are unforgettable. It is through the five senses we experience the world and create our memories.

Intimacy means empathy, commitment and passion. The close connections that win intense loyalty as well as the small perfect gesture. These are often remembered long after functions and benefits have faded away. Without Intimacy people cannot feel they own a brand, and without that conviction a brand can never become a Lovemark.

Now, of course, the way he’s putting this involves a lot of cringeworthy marketing-speak, but the essential point remains valid. In Hammer of the Gods, it’s made very clear how Led Zeppelin intentionally cultivated an aura of mystery and how effective this was in securing a rabid fanbase. As frustrating (and seductive) as mystery can be for critics, it’s what keeps fans coming back for more. Bands today know well the value of intimacy, certainly. If you communicate with fans through the usual channels, it seems impersonal, but if you do it through YouTube and social networking sites, it seems more personal somehow, and fans like that. Intimacy allows you to control your own image. If there’s anyone who’s hit the lovemark sweet spot in these regards, it’s Bob Dylan. After a period in the woods, he’s become such a figure of sensual, intimate mystery (introducing long-lost tracks on a radio program where he talks directly to you) that he’s essentially the Apple of music: respectable, classy, a little edgy but also a link to the past. And the fact that he’s doing it intentionally is somehow part of the appeal.

A final word about respect and Yngwie Malmsteen: it’s been fashionable for a long time now to decry virtuosoism, and perhaps rightly so. But one of the interesting things about the new rhythm games is that it turns virtuosity, seemingly a fixture of the Respect axis, into a form of pleasure: intricate, masterful performances make for challenging, rewarding gameplay experiences. Maybe we’ll get to the point where we love a band for their Rock Band tracks, but can’t really respect someone who doesn’t seem very relevant outside of video games.

About Lovemarks [Lovemarks]
Archived version [archive.org]

The new issue of People hits newsstands tomorrow, and on its cover is a story that’s half-blockbuster, half-not all that surprising: American Idol runner-up and Manilow-mirroring crooner Clay Aiken is gay, and he’s finally come out of the closet (after years of telling inquiring interviewers that their questioning of his sexuality was “really rude”) because he wants to set a good example–in the not lying about things sense, above all–for his newborn son, Parker. While I’m happy that Aiken has gone public with his sexuality, admire his devotion to his child, and wish him (and his son) all the best, I have to wonder just what is happening in the universe of Claymates right now. Are they freaking out? How many Blingee .sig files have been created in honor of this milestone? Have they decided that if they love Aiken as much as they profess to, they should set him free from their personal PG-13-rated fantasies and let him live his life? Are they going to land here via Google searches and engage in some angry comment-section defense in a matter of minutes? And, most importantly, are they adjusting their skin-crawlingly inappropriate Clay-inspired crafting in light of this news?

For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, a few examples:

Oh, those poor ovaries. I guess dong quai won’t have quite the same effect.

Clay Aiken to reveal he is gay [Reuters]

If you were the 50-year-old sister of producer David Foster, would you a) choose Clay Aiken to artificially inseminate you and b) plan on having Clay be active part of that child’s life? TMZ says “yes.” I still can’t decide if this is the weirdest story of celebrity spankin’ n’ bankin’ or that honor still belongs to David Crosby. [TMZ]

If you were the 50-year-old sister of producer David Foster, would you a) choose Clay Aiken to artificially inseminate you and b) plan on having Clay be active part of that child’s life? TMZ says “yes.” I still can’t decide if this is the weirdest story of celebrity spankin’ n’ bankin’ or that honor still belongs to David Crosby. [TMZ]

The results of this week’s round of album sales are trickling in, and it looks like Neil Diamond will take the top spot, selling in the neighborhood of 125,000 copies. Diamond’s previous album, 12 Songs, debuted at No. 4, which may be a sign that Matt Sweeney’s acclaimed guitar work on Home Before Dark is responsible for its success. Projections have all non-Neil Diamond albums selling below the six figure benchmark; Clay Aiken slides into second place with less than half of the first-week sales of 2006′s A Thousand Different Ways. What happened, Claymates? You’ve let your red-haired angel down. Madonna and Mariah Carey hang on desperately to the three and four spots, while Gavin DeGraw, Toby Keith, Leona Lewis, Josh Groban, Dierks Bentley, and Michael Buble round out the most depressing top ten in recent memory. [HITS]

From time to time, we like to round up the all-important, all-summarizing last sentences of the biggest new-music reviews, even when the new release schedule isn’t quite as exciting as it was the week before. Under consideration today is an album that Largehearted Boy has said the “mainstream media” is “fawning over”: Clay Aiken’s On My Way Here.

• “Most of the songs Aiken chose present him as a lonely and longing figure, a role meant to make him even more sympathetic to a certain sect. Essentially, they’re the latter-day equivalents to those who clung to The Lawrence Welk Show long after it lost its cultural resonance in the late ’60s. To those folks–the last ostriches of the sexual revolution–Aiken remains an island of sanity, a final bastion of proud, neutered uncool. That, more than anything in his music, gives Aiken his dire place.” [NY Daily News]

• “Aiken, who debuted on the Great White Way this year in Spamalot, sings like a theater veteran: almost too perfect, with a self-aware showmanship. But that doesn’t make pop-rock nuggets like ‘Ashes’ any less catchy, or the ballads–on which Aiken’s breathy tenor could break housewife hearts–ring any less true. With big American melodies, stock AC production and general inoffensiveness throughout, this should satisfy his army of self-dubbed Claymates.” [Billboard]

• “As much as his record company would want him to be, Aiken isn’t a crossover pop star. He’s a male Celine Dion, a nerdier Michael Bublé, a new-millennium Barry Manilow, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The sooner he embraces that, the better his albums will sound. With On the Way Here, he’s not quite there.” [Newsday]

• “It’s amazing–forget what you’ve heard before, this is a grown up Clay Aiken; no longer just a ‘ballad boy’. A little modern blues a-la James Morrison, a little uptempo rock/pop, a little jazz piano, a few ballads, a little country-crossover and even an inspirational song. And a beautifully sad song the man wrote with David Foster. Just goes to show ya what the guy can do when his record label lets him choose the songs instead telling him what to sing. The guy has good and very eclectic taste in music. If you remember Clay from American Idol, but have never bought any of his CD’s, this is the one to get!” [Amazon Reviewer "HesGotMe"]

“I’m not trying to be Justin Timberlake. Thank God we have him, but I’m not him. … I’m not gonna bring anybody’s sexy back.” Oh, Clay. Even as you try to erase what fan base you have left with ever more horrifying haircuts, I’m sure there are a few people left who like to imagine the possibility of you showing up in their room wearing nothing but pointy shoes and a Keebler elf cap. Aiken’s new album, On My Way Here, comes out tomorrow and its chock-full of power ballads and powerless ballads that describe the struggle that is La Vida Clay. The struggle of a man who went from heartthrob David Cassidy to seething, diva-esque “fine, Broadway it is” David Cassidy In less than a decade.

“When I (did) the first album, I ain’t been through nothin’, you know? … But now I’ve gone through some crap, and I’ve gone through some good things, and I’ve started thinking, `Oh, wow, I know what that song’s saying, I’ve done that, I’ve experienced that, that’s happened to me,’” he mused in his Southern drawl.

Y’all know it’s true! He’s seen the best, he’s seen the worst, but he wouldn’t change what he’s been through. He’s touched the sky, he’s hit the wall, but he did what he had to do, ohhhhhhhhh.

Did you ever wonder what Lindsey Lohan would look like she changed her gender? After seeing Clay’s QVC performance above, do you wish you didn’t know?

Clay Aiken — “I’m not trying to be Justin Timberlake” [AP]
Clay Aiken-New CD On My Way Here-Live Version [YouTube]

Like Neil Sedaka and Johnny Rzeznik before him, Clay Aiken will hoof it over to QVC to sell his album On My Way Here this Monday, when he’ll perform live on the home-shopping channel and hawk a special-edition CD/DVD combo of the record. “Starting my career on national, live television, it seems fitting to be unveiling my new album live on QVC,” Aiken reportedly told whatever flack wrote the press release announcing this bit of synergy, adding, “and it’ll be so nice to field calls from Claymates instead of snide comments from Simon, even if there is the possibility of having to answer questions about my underwear-buying habits and stuff.” [PR Newswire via Fox / Photo: AP]

Like Neil Sedaka and Johnny Rzeznik before him, Clay Aiken will hoof it over to QVC to sell his album On My Way Here this Monday, when he’ll perform live on the home-shopping channel and hawk a special-edition CD/DVD combo of the record. “Starting my career on national, live television, it seems fitting to be unveiling my new album live on QVC,” Aiken reportedly told whatever flack wrote the press release announcing this bit of synergy, adding, “and it’ll be so nice to field calls from Claymates instead of snide comments from Simon, even if there is the possibility of having to answer questions about my underwear-buying habits and stuff.” [PR Newswire via Fox / Photo: AP]

Like Neil Sedaka and Johnny Rzeznik before him, Clay Aiken will hoof it over to QVC to sell his album On My Way Here this Monday, when he’ll perform live on the home-shopping channel and hawk a special-edition CD/DVD combo of the record. “Starting my career on national, live television, it seems fitting to be unveiling my new album live on QVC,” Aiken reportedly told whatever flack wrote the press release announcing this bit of synergy, adding, “and it’ll be so nice to field calls from Claymates instead of snide comments from Simon, even if there is the possibility of having to answer questions about my underwear-buying habits and stuff.” [PR Newswire via Fox / Photo: AP]