While no one has stepped forward and said they're willing to charge ticket-seekers the GNP of Burundi for the privilege of seeing New Jersey's finest, there are other creative offers out there.

Trade Bon Jovi tickets for George Michael tickets: I'd like to think that there's one side that's a definite winner here.
Will give you Bon Jovi central Park if you buy my all star sunday: Or, "tickets for Bon Jovi = $225.00 + $53.00 + $5.00 + whatever shipping charges I signed up for." I like how this person gets around mentioning an actual dollar amount.
TRADE: 2 Bon Jovi Central Park for Yankees or Giants Tickets: The first people I thought of when I saw this ad were Mike and/or the Mad Dog. Perhaps they decided that it would be better to reconcile while watching what brought them together, instead of "Wanted Dead Or Alive."
FT: Bon Jovi Tickets for Verizon Blackberry: One wonders if this was this particular person's plan all along.

There are also a lot of people looking to trade their tickets for a ticket to the Billy Joel shows at Shea Stadium, which makes me laugh so, so hard. But can you feel the bartering era coming back?

And those of you who want to see Jon, Richie, and everyoe else while paying an inflated price needn't worry, as tickets for their upcoming Madison Square Garden show can be yours for a mere $8,394 on StubHub. Who says you can't go home?

bon jovi central park [Craigslist]
bon jovi central park [eBay]
Scalpers ask $1,500 for free Bon Jovi concert [AP]

Apparently this "give me some, and I'll give something away" tactic is being used to smoke out what a tipster referred to in e-mail as "known German and Portugese hoarders," who are rumored to have still-unreleased demos in their possession. There's an epic thread over at chinesedemocracy.com about one person in particular:

here's the latest that I'm hearing from my source. the iconito guy (guy offering $$ for a new leak at mygnr) has got a new song. maybe even more than one. supposedly he got a song and ended up paying $1,000 for it. rumor has it he got a 99 studio demo of chinese d, a new madagascar, and a new song that my source won't give up the title on. supposedly the new song is low quality and that's the reason the guy threw in the 99 demo of cd and a new madagascar (he didn't know how new, and says he hasn't heard anything himself with the exception of about 5 seconds of a new song and he swears it's legit with axl's vocals.

The debate over whether or not the guy's full of it goes on for another 13 pages, if you dare. I made it through about four before realizing that the fact that Universal hasn't made a lucrative bid to purchase chinesedemocracy.com as a sign that this album isn't coming out anytime soon.

Also: Did you know that Axl turns 50 in 2012? Just figured I'd point that out.

$1,000.00 For GN'R Chinese Democracy Demo [craigslist]
UPDATE ON THE RUMOR ABOUT THE GUY AT MYGNR (HE HAS A SONG) [chinesedemocracy.com]

Other items of note from the ad:

• You'll also be cooking and shopping for the mystery artist.

• And driving.

• And helping with auditions.

• I mentioned the car tune-up thing already, right? OK.

• And you may need to be a mom! "You should naturally possess a nurturing, compassionate and very personable disposition. Be comfortable as a caregiver with some natural instincts. Nothing over-bearing, just the basics." Presumably if you're "over-bearing," you get a talking-to—or some employer-mandated couples' therapy? The ad does say that the perks are "amazing," and really, what could be more amazing than being hauled into a shrink's office for not having enough "natural instincts" for nurturing some overscheduled celebrity's ego?

Celebrity Personal Assistant (Revised as of 2/9/08) [Craigslist via Gawker]

Major Label in Search of Girl Band
Reply to: job-451743659@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-17, 10:55AM PDT

Major Record Label in Search of an All Girl Band. Must be beautiful and talented. Age range 14-25. Experience is required. Knowing how to play an instrument is preferred but not required. Pre - screening Auditions will be held on Sunday October 19th by appointment only.

Note how the applicants must be "talented," but knowing how to play an instrument is "not required." That, of course, can all be fixed in post-production. I'm really just hoping that this is really a fake-out casting call for Rock Of Love 2, with the request for people under 18 a red herring—I can't help but think that now the news about Bret Michaels reprising his lovesick-dude role is out, VH1's casting department is having issues with finding people who have the innate romanticism undying careerism to undergo what Jes et al. had to endure all those weeks.

But no, it's probably real. Oh well—at least the ad didn't say "no fatties" (explicitly)!

Major Label in Search of Girl Band [Craigslist; HT The Candy Monster]

we are looking for a Beautiful Women of any race to be in a new reality show with a new upcoming rapper from Detroit. You will have to act like you are his girlfriend for six months while he makes his album. they pay is $10,000 A month. you must be willing to move in with the rapper, no sex is invovled. The rapper is the first person signed to Shady/G-unit and this is how they fill they want to launch the artist. if you are interested please send a head shot or pic. please no phone calls at this time

A reality show that's not even competitive, that's based on the whole "we're pretending to be with each other" hook, and completely devoid of sex? To be honest, everything about this ad seems like it could be true—except that last part.

On the bright side, if this ad is legit, and the people who placed this ad are looking for someone who's looking for exposure and whose typing aptitude is similar to theirs, we know just the person.

Looking for a beautiful female(Shady/G-unit) [Craigslist]

I'm going to Bonnaroo you should not and get my tea ready - 24

guess I'm a little out there...maybe geeky but i think I'm sexy. I'm a musician with a keen sense for the insane but am grounded with a good job and career and crazy laughs and spontaneous times will be had..i prefer P.R or latina girls who listen to ill rock..punk or otherwise..I'm spanish but look irish...race doesn't matter but curves help...try something diffrent trust me I'm no cheap date...love the old booze cruise

Wait—a booze cruise-loving, lady-chasing, "insane but grounded" musician? Is Kid Rock looking for a rideshare?

I'm going to Bonnaroo you should not and get my tea ready - 24 [Craigslist]

Hottie with Billy Corgan in front of Gibsons - m4w - 34

To the HOT brunet babe letting Billy Corgan Oogle all over her at Gibsons on Monday: Ditch him!!! I am a perfect gentlemen and will treat you better then I'm sure he would. He is a known womanizer and you can do much better with me or anyone else!!!!!!!

(James Iha, is that you?)

Hottie with Billy Corgan in front of Gibsons - m4w - 34 [chicago.craigslist.org, via tinyluckygenius]

Silly me! I "accidentally" bought 4 Arcade fire tickets for the 5/8 show, forgetting that I hate humanity and all that is good about music. It really pisses me off when indie bands make a special effort to play at intimate venues, but I sure do love taking advantage of their fans' devotion. So, I am selling 4 seats, which may or may not be will call (I hope you like surprises). The price is the national debt for my two orchestra seats (price is per ticket), or the GNP of Burundi for my third mezzanine seats— great view of the ceiling from there!

The sad part? He's already received 135 responses offering double his asking price.

Misanthropic Sociopath Selling Arcade Fire Tickets (4) - $666 [Craigslist]
Earlier: New York City Arcade Fire Fans Rush To Debase Themselves On Craigslist

Remember that Craigslist-trawling music writer with an Arcade fire guest-list spot and a jonesing for a good Valentine's Day story? Well, he found his plus-one, and she was good enough to leave us a comment this morning:

I was the lucky lady selected from the nut jobs who responded to his search for a valentine. evening was utterly enchanting.
my valentine is a stellar guy.

I bought him a Heineken.
he provided backstage passes.
drew barrymore + spike jonze were there together —- lovey dovey style.
adam sandberg from SNL was there.
I talked to the violinist, red-headed guitar player, and both french horn players.
I ate the band's chicken tikka masala.
the lead female singer smiled at me.
the lead male singer (l.f.s.'s husband) was wearing green suede + brown leather boots.
we rode the A train off together into the brooklyn night...

Unfortunately, the lucky lady didn't give up the writer's name, so we're still left wondering who the mystery man might have been. After all, we probably expanded his applicant pool a bit—you'd think we'd at least get a thank you.

Earlier: Anonymous Music Writer Looking To Add A Non-Scary Lady To His Guest List

So, I have an extra guest list spot to the Arcade Fire show at Judson Church on Wednesday. I need a date, but think a Valentine's Day invitation is a bit too intense for any of the women I've been seeing of late...

Plus I just got back from two weeks of traveling in California and Norway, and have slacked on making plans.

I'm 32, work in music (journalist & own a record label), and am reasonably attractive & personable — this Craigslist post notwithstanding.

I'm looking for a lady 25-35 up for an adventure. Ideally, you'll be able to have fun on a random night out with someone you may never see again; you'll be smart, and read books and stuff; and you won't be a scary, drugged-out too-cool-for-school hipster. (You should be cute too! I know, I'm asking a lot here.)

Shoot me an entertaining email with a picture and we'll take it from there. Maybe we'll get all crushed out on each other; or maybe not. Either way it should be fun...

Ladies: If you don't have plans for tonight, fire off those e-mails now! And if you do get picked, be sure to let us know who the writer was—although we'll probably figure it out, since his review will no doubt be full of oblique mentions of your date.

Arcade Fire 2/14 ticket for a date - 32 [Craigslist]

Tomorrow night, the Arcade Fire will start a five-night stint at New York City's Judson Memorial Church, and it's easier to gain passage to Kabul than to get tickets. But that hasn't stopped various Craigslisters from scheming and dreaming like crazy, doing everything they can to be your plus-one.

At this point, there are very few "for sale" listings remaining—meaning that most of the Craigslist posts are from die-hard fans who really, really want you to get them into the show. There are several methods for doing this, the first being to appeal to the ticket-holder's sense of music-community karma:

(Light My) Arcade Fire - Help an Old Lady on her B-day - $1
Reply to: sale-276536845@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-02-10, 12:58PM EST

Aging hipster, probably old enough to be your mom, desperately seeks a ticket for any night of AF @ Judson. Help bring a little joy into my life as I slip into senility. Used to be young and hip like you; I knew Tom Verlaine when you were a zygote etc. Promise I'll lurk in the shadows so the crowd will still be young/hip. Thanks in advance.

A word of warning: This poster could very possibly be Patti Smith, and she gets pretty cranky around the second encore. But while a self-proclaimed "aging hipster" can probably afford a ticket with a $300 mark-up charge, most indie-rock fans are living hand-to-mouth-to-bong—thus the time-honored "if you give me a ticket, I will give you all sorts of random shit that's lying around my studio apartment" approach:

Wanted Arcade Fire tickets-Money + 2bottles Champagne and much more - $1
Reply to: sale-275934497@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-02-09, 10:47AM EST

I need Arcade Fire tickets to any night, I'll give money(reasonable) plus two bottles awesome Champagne(pierre gimonnet 1er cru) 80 dollars in store, 1 six pack Sierra Neveada, 1 used diesel denim jacket, 1 signed 1st edition paperback of Patrick Mcgrath's Asylum, 1 new heavy vinyl record of White Light White Heat by The Velvet Underground and 1 beautiful painting I made (its very good I promise)..
Thanks

Paintings? Gothic fiction? Lou Reed records? Actually, maybe this poster is Patti Smith.

Another popular technique is to offer entry into some other, less popular show—the idea being that someone out there accidentally bought an Arcade Fire ticket, when what they really wanted to do was see Grizzly Bear. This swap-offer struck us as especially desperate:

Selling 2 Silverchair Bowery Ballroom - $1

Reply to: sale-276479080@craigslist.org

Date: 2007-02-10, 11:06AM EST

Have 2 tickets for Silverchair at Bowery Ballroom on Monday and I can't make it. Will sell them for the best offer over $100 for the pair or would trade them for 1 Arcade Fire ticket for 2-13 or 2-14...let me know!

Come on. This would have been a bad deal even back in 1995, when the Arcade Fire didn't even exist, and Neon Ballroom is no Neon Bible.

Finally, when all else fails—when you're out of money, and nearly out of time—there's one last desperate measure:

Will trade for Arcade Fire at Judson- any night - $1
Reply to: sale-277108773@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-02-11, 4:22PM EST

I have tickets to almost every good show in NY. Will trade for one (or more) Arcade Fire ticket. Let me know what you want. I'm also a Yanks season ticket holder if that's your thing. I can trade some big games (Sox, Mets, etc). Let me know. I also have screen legend Anthony's Quinn's undershit, which I swiped from him as he was doing sit-ups in the park. I'll be willing to part with it for a ticket.

It's possibly the best deal to be found: A great concert will last you only a few hours, but a dead celeb's undershit will be a conversation piece for years.

New York Craigslist :For Sale/Wanted [Craigslist]

Wall street guys (three of five are married, ages 27-42, and all good lookin'!) in band, Hammer of Thor, are looking for attractive female to dance on stage with us at Southpaw (in Park Slope)... We play a mix of originals and covers, mostly sleazey shit rock from the 70's and 80's (Kiss, Danzing, Cult, Whitesnake, Judas Priest, Nugent, etc.). We have smoke machines and lasers.

We'd like you to look like a music video model from the eighties (tawny kittaen?) Bangs, teased haird, spandex, leather bra ala motley crue dancers, captains hat made of leather with chain across, all encouraged. If you are in business school this would be a great opporunity to network; this is no joke. Hedge fund, PE, I Banking and institutional sales and trading strongly represented in band and audience

That's right, ladies: If you're looking to further your business career, all you have to do is wriggle on stage with a bunch of shitheads who've been harboring Tawny Kitaen masturbation fantasies since the fifth grade—and yet still can't spell her name right.

Wanted: Female Model for Rock Band Live Show [Craigslist]

hi im james iha the guitarist from the smashing pumpkins were in chicago right now setting up our reunion tour. we are now in the process of finding girls to be in our next 5 mtv videos it pays 10000 per vid. we can go thru a modeling agency but to be honest were looking for a fresh face. this is totally legit with contracts with mtv if your interested get back to me with at least 3 pics of u no modeling pics real pics only and a contact number. if i do not get the pics and a number i will not contact u

Where to begin? Well, first of all, Iha is not part of the Pumpkins reunion. Second, there's no way the band would be prepping its next five "MTV videos" all at once. And lastly, music-video hoochie-mamas never get more than $2,500 a vid, tops. Trust us on this one. We learned that the hard way.

smashing pumpkins looking for natural pretty girl to do vids 10000 per [Craigslist]

Holy shit. We don't know how we missed this, but Billy Corgan and Courtney Love are living together. We're guessing the "los angeles craigslist > housing" post went something like this:

oh make me over!! Date: 2006-06-06, 10:08AM EST

Hello, I am looking for a roommate for my new h. hills pad. about me: single (as of today) white female w/ kid. i keep late hours, but only cause i'm in my room, crank-calling either my father, dave grohl, jimmy iovine, kathleen hannah, the nme, tyne daly or dave grohl (because of this i iwll split phone 70/40)...about you: must be slightly vampiric, and good at ghost-writing a chorus; antagonistic relationship with ex-bassists a big +++! about the place: it's pretty luxe, though the grotto broke again this weekend, and sometimes the mailbox talks to me.

p.s.no freaks!

# yes — dogs are OK - wooof
# this is in or around Beverly Hills
# no — it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests