Find out what the American Idol top 10 is singing tonight, “Sing The Songs Of The Year You Were Born Night,” after the jump (via MJ’s Big Blog). Spoilers for the spoilers: Get ready for a reinterpretation of Chris Cornell’s reinterpretation of “Billie Jean” and–oh Lord help us–”God Bless The USA.”

* Syesha Mercado – 1987′s “If I Were Your Woman” by Stephanie Mills
* David Cook – 1983′s “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson
* Carly Smithson – 1983′s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler
* Chikezie – 1985′s “If Only For One Night” by Luther Vandross
* Brooke White – 1983′s “Every Breath You Take” by The Police
* Jason Castro – 1987′s “Fragile” by Sting
* Ramiele Malubay – 1987′s “Alone” by Heart
* Michael Johns – 1978′s “We Are the Champions” by Queen
* Kristy Lee Cook – 1984′s “God Bless the USA” by Lee Greenwood
* David Archuleta – 1990′s “You’re the Voice” by David Foster with Jeff Pescetto

The first episode in the competitive portion of American Idol just started on the East Coast, and tonight the top 12 guys are giving their spin to the songs of the 1960s. The above shot is of the young ladies remaining in the competition–in a nice bit of reverse chivalry, they get to kick back and relax a bit while the men go first–but note that there are only 11 of them, thanks to one notable absence: Carly “Hennessy” Smithson, the former MCA signee who’s caused quite the firestorm before even stepping on Idol‘s big stage. The obvious question: Where is she? Was she on a bathroom break? Did her visa expire again? Is she going to come back from the commercial with a huge record contract? Or is there going to be some sort of big, embarrassing announcement at show’s end? I’m going to unpause my DVR and find out right now!

Once again, we present Rock-Critically Correct, a feature in which the most recent issues of Rolling Stone, Blender, Vibe and Spin are given a once-over by an anonymous writer who’s contributed to several of those titles–or maybe even all of them! After the click-through, he contrasts the Britney Spears cover stories in the new issues of Rolling Stone and Blender:

Your Boy’s best guess is that the issue of Blender under consideration this week was about to be sent to the printer when it was announced that Joe Levy was going to leave his post as Rolling Stone‘s executive editor for Blender‘s editor-in-chief job.

YB’s analysis of the dual legacies of Levy and departing Blender EIC Craig Marks was written the next day, so he did not see this interview with Levy in Adweek until it was too late. Therein, he says that you can expect Blender to be more respectful of artists than it has been previously.

This is not, frankly, good news. It’s not unreasonable to suggest that Blender would often rather musical acts prance and caper monkey-style in their pages for the amusement of their readers than be treated as humans with, y’know, dignity. But it was the readers to which Blender answered, whereas “respect for artists” is really code for Rolling Stone‘s frequently cozy relationship with major labels and owner Jann Wenner’s pals. You’d think that Levy might want to be freed of such considerations, but the above does not augur well how Blender is to be distinguished from RS going forward. We’ll see…

The March 2008 edition of Blender stands as the final issue helmed by Marks. The former Spin editor and former muckety-muck of the before-its-time Inside.com launched the mag in 2001 as the savvy consigliere to Andy Pemberton, an Englishman who was not particularly attuned to American culture. After Pemberton was fired in 2004, Marks took the EIC seat. (A commenter in the above-linked Levy/Marks analysis speculated that Marks would make a move towards TV or new media projects, which would make sense, given his involvement with Inside.)

He goes out with a bang with his final issue, despite the fact that it’s possible that RS put together a competing cover piece very quickly for its Feb. 21 issue in order to specifically fuck with Blender‘s newsstand sales. YB may be hunting for poltergeists here, seeing as Britney Spears-related content has recently been estimated to generate $120 million for the American economy every year. But Mr. Wenner is known to play hardball when his aides-de-camp dare defect to a competitor.

Both magazines bear the image of Ms. Spears, a woman who is pretty much the embodiment of Blender‘s raison d’etre and known to have a mutually advantageous relationship with RS when her career was functional. On Blender‘s cover, her face is Photoshopped onto a model’s body, a crushed Red Bull can and a Mouseketeer cap full of cig butts visible below. RS‘s cover features a heartbreaking close-up of her face, cropped from an old file photo.

YB should disclose his agenda: He does not visit TMZ.com and perezhilton.com and is otherwise not compelled to cogitate on the daily-unfolding events of Ms. Spears’ life. He does pretty much like every song he’s ever heard released under her name–and he loves more than a few–and is reasonably confident that, if said life had taken another path, she could have easily been one of many southern girls who drops her flimsy garment on a nearby chair then proceeds to gyrate and bend over in front of YB’s face for $20 a dance. YB will leave the psychological spelunking to the authors of the articles discussed below, and wish Ms. Spears well.

Blender‘s cover story on Ms. Spears, “The Road to Ruin,” is very very good. Apparently, the mag had tried to do a conventional Spears piece late last fall, but given the events of the past two months, that wasn’t to be. Instead, contributing writer Michael Joseph Gross pens an engrossing, deeply reported story that attempts to determine why Ms. Spears’s life has immolated, compared to innumerable reports that settle for the “what” of said immolation.

Gross diligently recounts the events that have transfixed people other than YB, but he goes into great detail regarding the paparazzi that hound Spears. These “paps” (call ‘em “mopes” or “thugs” if you like) are also something like her friends and confidants, often paying for her gas and fast food when she’s indisposed. While Adnan Ghalib is now well known as the “pap” who has bedded Spears, Gross also goes into the shady history of Ghalib’s rival, Sam Lutfi, the latest in a series of Hollywood hustlers/quasi-suitcase pimps who has appeared to be running her life and who has two restraining orders against him.

One of the “experts” swanning in to expound on the meaning of it all is Michael Hirschorn, the ex-VH1 exec behind the network’s “Celebreality” programming and Marks’ former boss at Inside (which probably should have been disclosed). “She got chewed up and spat out by this new celebrity culture,” he says, “so it’s hard not to feel some sympathy for her. She really was turned into a lab rat.” Given his recent doings, Hirschorn might have mentioned something regarding his own culpability in the “new celebrity culture.”

RS‘s piece, “The Tragedy of Britney Spears,” is written by Vanessa Grigoriadis, who last fall penned a chin-stroker as to the greater meaning of the enterprise of which Idolator.com is a part. Her story is thus lighter on reportorial rigor and heavier on pop psychology than Gross’. “[Spears] is not book smart,” Grigoriadis writes. “But she is intelligent enough to understand what the world wanted of her: that she was created as a virgin to be deflowered before us for our amusement and titillation. She is not ashamed of her new persona–she wants us to know what we did to her… she is enjoying the chaos she’s creating.”

An editor’s note states that Grigoriadis spent six weeks running after Ms. Spears around L.A., so it could be that her article was conceived independent of Levy’s egress. She also is granted a brief interview with Ghalib and interacts with many of the shifty hustlers who buzzard about Spears. Due to RS‘s later deadline, Grigoriadis covers Spears’ two hospitalizations, the power struggle between Lufti and Adnan’s over access to her, and her family’s attempt to wrest control from the above two. Said deadline did not permit Spears’ recently concluded two-week stint in UCLA Medical Center’s psych ward and probably some other shit that happened while YB was writing this goddamn sentence.

Here are three factoids intended as exclusive info but present in both articles:

1. Spears had breast augmentation when she was seventeen.

2. Kevin Federline is known amongst his bros as “Meat Pole” (Gross reports that Federline called his brother after his first night with his bride-to-be, remarking “you’re not going to believe whose back I broke”).

3. Paris Hilton refers to Spears as “The Animal.”

Ultimately, YB has to call the Battle of the Competing Definitive Britney Narratives a draw. He also wonders how many sources talked to both writers after promising “exclusivity” to each.

Otherwise, YB’ll make some quick comments on the March Blender, since he thought he’d be assessing only that mag before the Feb. 21 RS showed up on the newsstand.

• Robert Smith, photographed for an “In the Studio” front-of-book piece regarding The Cure’s in-progress album, looks like a portly beggar sans makeup.

• YB, no huge fan of R.E.M., is astounded that Senior Critic Jon Dolan reckons in the “Every Album Reviewed and Rated” back-catalogue feature that the band’s naked ploy for grunge bucks, 1995′s Monster, deserves five stars and is thus better than 1984′s Reckoning and 1991′s Out of Time.

• In an otherwise half-baked “the edit staff like these things” package titled “The Best List 2008,” contributor Aaron Burgess crafts a March Madness-styled tournament chart to determine “the best heavy metal drummer.” Beginning with post-NWoBHM beatsmen and extending to the current extreme metal movement (no Ian Paice and Tommy Lee, sadly), Meshuggah’s Tomas Haake prevails over Slayer’s Dave Lombardo. Burgess is allowed to use musicianly jargon therein, nominally a Blender no-no.

• Finally, Robert Christgau, the author of a recent RS review that YB noted seemed edited into tortured blandness, now appears in Blender‘s masthead as Dolan’s co-Senior Critic. It seems that the Dean has already followed his onetime apprentice Levy over to Blender, possibly leaving RS‘s hypothetical copyeditor with no editorial mandate along the lines of “we know this guy indignantly refuses to turn in clear, readable copy, but he’s the dean of rock criticism, so you, me and the rest of the staff have to grant him deference available to no one else.”

Despite its Entertainment Weekly cover-story-garnering, Billboard chart-topping, near-universal acclaim, there are those of you^* who, like me, think Stripper! Turned! Writer! and Oscar-nominated Juno uberhack Diablo Cody was sent as an emissary from the quirkiest circle of hell to torture us with her agonizingly overworked slanguage, insufferable hipster manque caricatures, and plot points that are indie movie cliches inbred until they’re cross-eyed and unable to walk properly. And those folks will be delighted to learn that Ms. Cody’s next feature–a comedy-horror film involving cheerleaders, demons, and more forced, semi-comprehensible sass than one script can withstand–is now rumored to be courting two real-life emo stars to possibly play Nikolai, frontman for the film’s “Satanic emo band.” Yeah, we know.

More interesting, perhaps, are two names that are being bandied about for Nikolai; he’s the leader of the Satanic emo band that starts all of the problems that turns Needy into an ass-kicking monster fighter. The production is looking at two legitimately emo dipshits – Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy and Joel Madden of Good Charlotte. These names horrify me, and just typing them out has awoken some kind of genocidal monster in me – I want to torch your home if you own a Fallout Boy record. I want you removed from the Earth (Ron Paul supporters are next). Here’s to hoping that the third name on the list, One Tree Hill’s Chad Michael Murray, is who they go with.

Us too! Hell, we’d probably even be cool with one of the Madden brothers. Because just in case you think I’m being too hard on Cody’s screenwriting abilities, or Pete Wentz’s acting chops, please avail yourself of some of the dialogue from the leaked script from Jennifer’s Body, and then imagine Pete saying “Slow down tardy slip. You sound like a sped” in a Clandestine Industries-branded hoodie-cape. Sigh.

Jennifer’s Body Is Going Authentically Emo [CHUD]
Diablo Cody’s Next Catchphrase? “Fried Bologna Is The Bomb!” [Defamer]

^* And seriously, how happy was I to read Maura’s post and see how many Idolator readers also broke out in quirk-related hives during Juno? (Not alone! Not alone!) I have deep, deep issues with this whole 21st-century “Tracy and Hepburn diluted through bong water, a half-finished BA, and back issues of Sassy” aesthetic, but I’m holding back because before I know it I’ll be dissing Arrested Development and everyone will suddenly turn on me.

The long-awaited announcement regarding this year’s Coachella Festival has finally taken place, and apparently the big name the organizers got this year was … Roger Waters? Who will be recreating Dark Side Of The Moon on the festival’s main stage? Yeah, really. (What was that I said about festivals being totally over in ’08 again?) Tickets go on sale this Friday at 10 a.m. PT; other names on the 125-act bill, via the Los Angeles Times‘ Soundboard blog and URB, after the jump. (For those of you who think that Roger Waters is a little too old for Coachella: Don’t worry, Love and Rockets are on the bill, too!)

Raconteurs
The Verve
Jack Johnson
Kraftwerk
Portishead^*
Death Cab for Cutie
My Morning Jacket
Love and Rockets
Justice
M.I.A.
The Breeders
Rilo Kiley
Sasha & Digweed
Café Tacuba
Fatboy Slim
Spritualized
Tegan and Sara
Madness
The National
Animal Collective
Mum
Pendulum
Sharon Jones
Stars
Battles
Aesop Rock
Midnight Juggernauts
Does It Offend You, Yeah?
Spank Rock
Minus the Bear
Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
Diplo
Adam Freeland
Santogold
Vampire Weekend
Dan Deacon
Hot Chip
Cold War Kids
Stephen Malkmus
Gogol Bordello
Chromeo
Metric
Danny Tenaglia
Booka Shade
Murs
Cool Kids
Sia
Les Savy Fav
Holy Fuck
Black Kids
Black Mountain
Man Man
I’m from Barcelona
Kid Sister
The Horrors
Austin TV
Shout Out Louds
Luckyiam
Autolux
Modeselektor
The Bees
Professor Murder
Cut Copy
Busy P
VHS or Beta

Coachella 2008 Lineup Announced [The Guide/latimes.com]
Kraftweerk, Roger Waters headline Coachella [URB]
[Poster via ONTD]

^* Please please please let them be playing other Stateside shows. Please.

Kevin Bronson at the Los Angeles Times has a sort of update on the heatstroke-inducing desert jam that is Coachella Festival, the lineup of which is being announced next week. According to Bronson, not only is the above poster totally off, My Bloody Valentine will not be one of the “surprising veteran act[s]” on the show’s roster–but who cares, because apparently Portishead is going to be there! Maybe I should brave the desert, although I’d need to stock up on some SPF 150 and a gigantic floppy hat before doing so. A list of bands who are, so far, totally definitely 100% rumored to be appearing according to the Internets and blog boards and such after the jump. Can you say “yay, ’90s”?

Death Cab for Cutie
The Breeders
Justice
Jens Lekman
Junkie XL
The Verve
UNKLE
Cold War Kids
Chromeo
Autolux
Spiritualized
Portishead
VHS or Beta
Dan Deacon
Brett Dennen
The Cinematic Orchestra
Battles
Kid Sister
Crystal Castles
Louis XIV

Also, some commenter at Brooklyn Vegan is claiming that Led Zeppelin is playing but how many times have we heard that old song and dance lately.

Coachella roster slowly takes shape (and getting misshapen) [Buzz Bands via BV]

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse for the music industry, here comes the news that the Grammys–celebrating their 50th anniversary this year–might have quite a bit less starpower. If they happen at all! Yesterday, the Writers’ Guild Of America hinted that it will not grant a waiver for the ceremony, which means that if the writers’ strike is still going on by Feb. 10, attendees will probably have to cross a picket line before they can get into the Staples Center for the big show. The likelihood of members of the Screen Actors Guild–who are in solidarity with the writers–actually crossing that picket line is nil, and as a result, the talent pool for the show will be pretty depleted.

It’s unclear how much of an impact a WGA picket line would have, but the kudocast will have to make do without the usual 10-20 actors who usually serve as presenters. Last year, for example, Quentin Tarantino, Luke Wilson, Nicolas Cage, Terrence Howard, Samuel L. Jackson, Chris Rock and David Spade appeared on the show.

This year also has a substantial number of nominated musicians who have appeared in films and on TV. Chief among them are Justin Timberlake, Queen Latifah, Tim McGraw, Beyonce, Jack White, Jon Bon Jovi, T.I. and Fantasia. Among the nominees who have historically not crossed picket lines are Bruce Springsteen, the Beastie Boys, Joni Mitchell, John Mellencamp and Steve Earle.

The strike could also affect the show’s script. For this year’s 50th anniversary edition of the Grammys, the Recording Academy would like to present a show with a number of historical packages, which would require a writing staff. Producer Ken Ehrlich and journalist David Wild, who wrote a Grammys 50th anni book, have written recent editions of the show.

Well, T.I. was sort of a given as a no-show. There have still been no performers announced for the telecast aside from the Foo Fighters, although Variety’searlier report indicated that Dave Grohl would also be unlikely to cross a picket line. I’m just hoping that whatever does happen, Billy Bush will be nowhere near a Grammy-related telecast, as watching that guy smarm his way through Sunday night’s Golden Globes press conference for even two minutes was absolutely nauseating.

Grammys strike chord with WGA [Variety]
Earlier: Will The Writer’s Strike Drain The Grammys’ Talent Pool?
[Photo: AP]

Yes, we’ve been fooled before, but apparently the long-delayed, funeral-themed video for Britney Spears’ “Gimme More”–the song that, it should be noted, topped this week’s digital-tracks chart with 179,000 downloads–is really for sure going to make its way into the world sometime within the next few days. At least, we think so–the music-video-industry site Video Static has the clip listed as one of the new entries on MTV’s playlist for the week of Oct. 8.

No wonder the news segments on TRL have been trotting out every so-called expert willing to opine about Britney’s problems over the past few days; between the lost custody, the driver’s license, and the other various and sundry rumors, having a Britney video in rotation would be quite the 360-degree coverage coup for the channel, although we’re sure the Viacom powers that be are cursing the fact that there’s no way to have searches for “britney sex video” somehow result in people being lured into actually watching those 5 a.m. music-video blocks.

MTV Adds for the Week of 10/08/07 [Video Static]

From the “That’s Life In The Inferno Of Postmodernity” files: One of the most popular bands on Google Trends right now is the Atlanta duo Dead Stays Alive, one-half of which “befriended” Lindsay Lohan while the two were in rehab. (Rumors that the two hooked up have been zinging around the gossipsphere; Lohan’s rep is, of course, calling those tales “mean.”) Tony Allen, the Dead Stays Alive member in question, has even been referred to as “famous” more than once, which I’m going to chalk up to people confusing him with the Tony Allen who played with Fela Kuti and The Good, The Bad, And The Queen, and not the fact that he was spilling his guts about Lindsay on Extra the other night.

There are two reasons for this. First off, any band that has to put out a press release letting people know that one of its members is, in fact, recovering with Lindsay Lohan is probably doing so out of desperation to actually get noticed, or at least pop up in Google News searches about the troubled starlet. (Not that the Aug. 25 release has helped all that much; so far, the band’s MySpace profile has only been viewed about 6,300 times.)

Second, the band is–and this may not surprise you much!–absolutely wretched. Imagine a world in which the evolution of music stopped after Orgy dropped its cover of “Blue Monday,” but somehow allowed Hinder to exist in some weird space-time warp, and you might get a vague idea of the craptasticness that is Dead Stays Alive. (They should not be confused with these guys in any way.) Listening to their blend of middle-of-the-road rock, lazy electro beats, and yarling made me reflect on the skilled musicianship and catchy songs that are sprinkled throughout Nickelback’s catalog.

Either way, this whole kerfuffle will probably get the guys some sort of record deal, perhaps even with the long-dormant Casablanca Records. After all, the music business is, as an old boss of mine would never hesitate to tell me, “all about relationships,” and what sort of relationship could be stronger than two people becoming friends in rehab, and one of them subsequently whoring that friendship out to the press for cheap publicity purposes?

Dead Stays Alive [MySpace]

Britney Spears’ real comeback single makes its way out to the Internet just in time to beat Kanye West and 50 Cent at the “whose-leak-is-bigger-than-who” game. Good thing someone out there had enough sense to prevent her from popping out another weepy phone-call ballad…
ARTIST: Britney Spears
TITLE: “Gimme More”
WEB DEBUT: Aug. 30, 2007

ONE-LISTEN VERDICT: “It’s Britney, bitch,” Britney Spears announces at the beginning of her comeback single–right off, a change in attitude from the sad-sack track of hers that leaked last week, thank God. The spunky “Gimme More,” produced by Nate Danjahandz, Hills, is seriously channeling some aerobics-class-worthy club music, with Britney’s voice tweaked into full-on sex-kitten mode–but at the same time, the Casio-keyboard percussion is giving off a serious The Blow vibe to my obviously-indiepop-addled ears. (Although the lyrics to “Gimme More” are, as far as I can fathom, about being famous and wanting some guy’s body, so maybe someone should hook Britney up with Khaela Maricich if only for some writing exercises.) The bottom line: It’s not “Toxic,” but it sure as hell isn’t “Me Against The Music,” either.

WHERE TO FIND IT: Popcrunch has an MP3, although downloading is sloowwww going. Bring a book! Or just try getting it here.

Since 1999, goths, industrial fans, and other members of “Dark Alternative Subculture” have descended on Disneyland every August for Bats Day In The Fun Park, which started as a day-long outing to the amusement park and has since evolved into a three-day event that bills itself as “the premier event on the West Coast, if not the world, for the Gothic and Industrial subculture of all ages.” We sent comedy writer Maggie Bandur to this year’s installment; her photos and recollections follow.

The first time I went to Disneyland without my parents, I ended up going in a group with a girl who claimed to be a vampire (and was living with her therapist) and a guy who wore a purple blanket as a cape and brought a knife along to whittle. I soon learned just how many hidden security cameras there are at Disneyland. You would think those cameras would have had a workout on Sunday, when goths descended upon the Happiest Place on Earth, cutting their Mickey ears into bat wings and wearing velvet, spikes, PVC, leather, and eyeliner in defiance of onlookers’ stares and the August sun. They assembled in front of the castle, overran the Haunted Mansion (a.k.a. the mothership), and stripped bare the store selling items from The Nightmare Before Christmas. But unlike my teenage acquaintances, who got their notions of rebellion from the same sources as Midwestern church ladies, Bats Day’s attendees were generally friendly, agreeing to have their pictures taken with strangers’ children as if they were Winnie-the-Pooh.

The world’s saddest people in the world’s happiest place is not as ironic a scenario as anyone would have you believe–after all, both are devoted to a heightened reality, to fantasy, to creativity, to dress up, to women with menacing names and unnaturally colored hair. The event is in August because that month holds one of the few summer weekend days when none of the annual passes are blacked out. (There are annual Disneyland passes hidden inside those corsets and Emily the Strange lunchboxes, people!) That fact has probably helped Disney discover what so many of the day’s participants stressed to me: they have jobs, they have children, they have purchasing power. Disneyland even unofficially offers bat-themed merchandise during the day, showing that it is a small world, after all–especially when you are trying to part people from their last discretionary dollar.

Bats Day In The Fun Park [Gallery]
Bats Day In The Fun Park [Official site]

A few months after crooning alongside Hugh Grant in Music & Lyrics, Drew Barrymore now has a single of her own: “Cold Hard Truth,” a just-released song from the long-delayed soundtrack to Lucky You (easily the Chinese Democracy of Curtis Hanson gambling dramas). Barrymore plays a struggling singer in the movie, and her performance here isn’t too bad; you can hear a little bit of Aimee Mann, and a whole lot of vocal coaching:

Drew Barrymore – Cold Hard Truth [MP3, link expired]

Every Tuesday, another barrage of compilations hits the record store shelves (or at least, they would if there were record stores or shelves anymore). From your quickly slapped-together tribute disc to the completely essential, most compilations are intended to make a few bucks, then end up for sale at a truck stop on Highway 84. However, occasionally, a compilation arrives that is so befuddling in concept and execution that you have to wonder: Who, exactly, thought this would be a good idea?

May we present: His & Hers by Amanda Scheer Demme?

From the press release (via Amazon):

Amanda Scheer Demme is one of the very rare few that can be called an artist, entrepreneur, trendsetter, tastemaker, star maker and connoisseur without a trace of irony or hype. It’s just the truth.

She has blazed trails in so many areas of the world of popular entertainment that it would be both a shame and inaccurate to tie her to a single field. This is why she needed a new phrase to describe what she does; she’s a “Lifestyle Producer.”

Ms. Scheer Demme is the hub of a wheel of activity that few could possibly appreciate, but everyone who knows her well, knows that everything she entertains will one day entertain us all. What she produces, we enjoy – as a valued addition to our lifestyle. This is why she calls her unique line of work “Lifestyle Production.”

Amanda Scheer-Demme joins forces with Thrive to create a new life style compilation series entitled “His & Hers”. “His & Hers” brings a new sound and style to this type of CD collection – sexy but not chilled or electronic, combining artists and genres from Ryan Adams, Oasis, and The Dandy Warhols to The Postal Service, Daft Punk, Goldfrapp, and Nina Simone. This is the soundtrack to modern life.

We all should be thankful that unknown acts like the Postal Service, Oasis, and Ryan Adams that have previously only entertained Ms. Scheer Demme can now “entertain us all,” especially since the average listener hasn’t heard at least one of these songs since the last time they forgot to skip past the commercials with the DVR, but you should consider picking up a few extra copies–she might still be looking for work.

Postal Service – Against All Odds [MP3, link expired]

As you’ll no doubt read a zillion times, Britney Spears posted a letter addressing her recent lack of underwear on her website today. However, if you root around on the site’s source code and do some Google cache searches, you’ll find the original letter, which went up around 3:34 A.M., and was quickly taken down. We couldn’t get a screenshot, but a full transcription follows…

Hey y’all! Not to throw you the heavy shit, but you ever feel like you’re livin’ in the land of forever-refracted self-parody? I mean, is there anything remotely interesting or salvageable about me left? Even as a singer? Like, maybe, the schlocky novelty of my own existence now outweighs any musical contributions I might have made years ago?

Shit, hold a sec, I gotta text my brand manager in Dubai.

Alright, so anyway, you guys ain’t helping me much, you know? You act all nice to my grill–and I’m talking about you, David Letterman and Janice Min!–and pretend to be nurturing and supportive when I decide to play the game and show up. But you really just want to keep my self-esteem going so you can milk it the next time I send it spiraling down again. It’s a vicious cycle of complicit media exploitation, y’all!!!

So maybe everyone needs to get like Stevie Nicks and stand the fuck back. I should just go back to making club songs, and you should just go back to accepting the idea that pop singers have been and always will be dumber than dodo (doo-doo?) birds. When I flashed my hoo-hah in the back of a limo, it was more than just a way to promote my new concert DVD; it was a way for me to intentionally hit the lowest of the low, so you’d have nothing left to surmise or criticize. This creepy media-fan-artist relationship is through! I AM CUTTING THE CORD.

Well, not really, cause that’s kinda gross and shit.

Love,

B

Yesterday, we posted the casting call for VH1′s latest bimbos-on-parade show, which advertised the chance to get down and dirty with “one of the ’90s HOTTEST ROCKERS.” But we’ve received multiple tips that the frontman in question is actually Bret Michaels of Poison–a band that is not only forever entwined with the ’80s, but whose ’90s studio output is equivalent to that of Guns N’ Roses. Congratulations, VH1–if this is true, you’re even more shameless than we thought you were. We can’t wait until it’s revealed that the show is actually called I Want Action.

Poison – Unskinny Bop [MP3, link removed]
Earlier: Mystery ’90s Frontman Gets Ready To Shed Clothing, Decency For VH1

Now that VH1 Classic is pillaging the 1990s’ video archives, it only makes sense that the next reality-romance trainwreck on its sister network will feature a rock star from that decade. We came across the following casting call today:

VH1 and the producers of THE SURREAL LIFE and MY FAIR BRADY bring you the hottest relationship show ever… ”ROCK OF LOVE”.

CASTING: Twenty bachelorettes to live in a mansion in the Hollywood Hills and compete for the love of one of the 90′s HOTTEST ROCKERS. We are unable to announce who this single rocker is at this time, but…He is the real deal. A famous, sexy, bad boy rocker. He was the lead singer of a famous 90′s rock band and he still tours today!

A sexy bad boy who still tours today? After the jump, we offer a few guesses as to the would-be bachelor’s identity.

Candidate: Adam Duritz, Counting Crows.
Why He’s Perfect For This: Anyone who inspires full-back tattoos should be able to lure a comely lass or two into the hot tub.
Fatal Flaw: Previous relationship with Trishelle from The Real World has probably turned him off reality-TV ladies for good.

Candidate: Stephan Jenkins, Third Eye Blind.
Why He’s Perfect For This: Fits the profile, if playing shows for a mortgage company in Vegas counts as “touring.”
Fatal Flaw: Dopey enough to tell a reporter, “What kind of sexual is the Dalai Lama? I want to be that.”

Candidate: Steve Harwell, Smashmouth.
Why He’s Perfect For This: Has already displayed willingness to scrape bottom of pop-cultural barrel with appearances on Surreal Life, Shrek soundtrack.
Fatal Flaw: No matter how famous it might make them, most women won’t get turned on by someone giving “All Star” a super-sensitive reading.

Candidate: Fred Durst, Limp Bizkit.
Why He’s Perfect For This: A little bit of VH1 nookie is nothing compared to Durst’s past caught-on-tape exploits.
Fatal Flaw: Even though we haven’t heard from him in years, he’s still overexposed.

What do you get when you combine obsessive superfans, the ever-slippery concept of “fair use,” and way too much free time? The YouTube search-clogging phenomenon known as the fanvid. Juxtaposing movie and TV scenes with popular songs, these clips are filled with literal translations of lyrics, out-of-context romantic scenes, and on-screen bugs. But there’s a certain charm in their creators’ dedication; we can’t imagine how many times people have watched, say, the entire Office oeuvre in order to get the perfect shot of Pam and Jim making googly eyes at each other.

After the jump, we present a few outstanding examples of these YouTube-enabled tributes. Be sure to watch them now, as they may not survive the copyright crackdown that’s bound to happen sooner or later.

Evanescence/The Office: One of the approximately 9,542,120 Pam/Jim clips floating around YouTube, this clip underscores the importance of picking the right music, as evidenced by the first comment: “when I heard this song played with these clips it looks as if one of them died, just my point of view.” (The black-and-white misty memories didn’t help much, either.)

Elton John/The Cutting Edge: A musty song combined with bits from a movie that we haven’t watched since our slumber-party days? Yeah, this clip pretty much defines the fan-video genre. We have to ask, though: Is D.B. Sweeney’s tumble on the line about Jesus freaks supposed to evoke The Passion Of The Christ?

Green Day/Arrested Development: We watched this all the way through, waiting for some sort of comedic payoff, but then … nothing. Hello? Did someone decide to turn this show into ER while we weren’t looking?

“Weird Al” Yankovic/Star Wars: Sure, this video set to “Weird Al”‘s Yoda tribute is astonishingly literal even for a fan-generated clip, but hey–at least the song isn’t by Coldplay.

Nickelback/Gilmore Girls: Those Gilmore fans who, like us, believe that the Lorelai/Christopher relationship is a horrible, horrible thing will likely have their opinion bolstered by this simpering montage, which is set to the yarl-tastic strains of–ugh–Nickelback. Come back, Yo La Tengo! All is forgiven!

Eazy-E/Troll 2: No quick-edits here–this sync of Eazy-E’s “Eazy Street” is straight-up synced with a party scene from Troll 2. The end result isn’t unlike Leprechaun N The Hood, except it’s set at a barn dance, and the leprechaun is actually a gang-sign throwing goblin who lives behind a mirror.

Pretty much everything you need to know about last night’s Country Music Awards can be found in today’s New York Times write-up, but if you’re too lazy for that, here’s a summary: Rehab-relocated Keith Urban had someone read his acceptance speech, which earned big applause (the country fans love their troubled addicts); nobody mentioned the Dixie Chicks; and Faith Hill may or may not have freaked out when she lost to Carrie Underwood. The footage of Hill’s supposed bad-sport reaction is already burning up the YouTube charts (and being splashed across Drudge’s front page), but it’s clearly a joke. Either way, we expect this to become a heavily covered non-issue issue on CNN.com for the rest of the day.

Down by the Ol’ Mainstream: Country Awards Round Up the Usual Sentiments [NY Times]

When Chris Cornell released his sink-like-a-stone theme song for the new James Bond movie this week, it proved what we’ve been saying for years: Duran Duran, we never know how good we had it with you. Ever since the early ’80s, the 007 franchise has been trotting out one unmemorable opening-credits number after another, prompting us to compile this YouTube-assisted list of the most egregious offenders. It will leave you shaken, stirred, and pining for the glory days of Shirley Bassey.

5. Chris Cornell, “You Know My Name” (Casino Royale, 2006)
The Audioslave frontman with the ever-disappearing beard is the 4,235th singer to incorporate the Bond theme into a pop song, a method that never ever, works. The only memorable part of this song is the opening riffs, and that’s because they sound suspiciously like Yes’ “Owner Of A Lonely Heart.”

4. a-ha, “The Living Daylights” (The Living Daylights, 1987)
Not a terrible song, mind you, but one that was clearly around for years until a-ha realized that they could simply slap on the irrelevant title and sell it to Albert Broccoli (a realization that was no doubt accompanied by an actual exclamation of “A ha!”). Also noteworthy for its emasculatingly dinky stand-up keyboard, which was later sold to Killers lead singer Brandon Flowers.

3. Garbage, “The World Is Not Enough” (The World Is Not Enough, 1999)
Fun fact: No one has ever listened to this song. Except when it was called “The Way We Were.”

2. Rita Coolidge, “All Time High” (Octopussy, 1983)
Clearly, the producers were so desperate to re-create the success of “Nobody Does It Better”; how else to explain why they hired someone who looked like Carly Simon? Alas, it didn’t work: From the AM-lite horn intro to the turgid “(we’re) doing so much more/that falling in love” lyric, “All Time High” is the very definition of “passable.” It may as well have been used in a Country Crock ad.

1. Tina Turner, “Goldeneye” (Goldeneye, 1995)
Granted, there are worse entries in the Bond-movie canon, but how many of them were written by Bono and the Edge? How many of them were backed by a tinny, Legend Of Zelda-like horn section? And how many of them forced Turner to deliver lines like “It’s a gold and honey trap/that I’ve got for you tonight”?

A few weeks back, we questioned the wisdom of hiring Sting to make a cameo on the bark-at-the-moon-crazy Bizaaroworld that is Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. But Aaron Sorkin didn’t listen to us–he was too busy ensuring that the next episode would have enough nonsensical blue-versus-red dialogue–and now the show is hovering under the axe.

We’ve said it many times here on Idolator, but apparently people still don’t realize that Sting is 100 percent, undeniably, certifiably jinxed. Employing him not only proves how out-of-touch you are with the listening public, but dooms your project to failure. The minute we saw him serenade Matthew Perry with that lute, we knew Studio 60 was a goner. For those who need further proof, check out this long litany of failed Gordon Sumner side-projects:

–Tracks magazine, which featured a frowny-faced Sting on the cover of the premiere issue; it was discontinued after eight issues.
–The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen, Terry Gilliam’s 1988 fiasco in which Sting made a cameo appearance.
–The Emperor’s New Groove, a 2000 animated Disney film for which Sting composed a number of songs, only to have them scrapped at the last minute (his music was also sadly absent from the straight-to-video follow-up, Kronk’s New Groove).
–Dune, a goddamn mess no matter how many times they recut it.
–The Sweatbox, a documentary about the making of Groove that was directed by Sting’s wife and frequent Tantric recipient, Trudie Styler; it was completed in 2002, and, for legal reasons, remains unreleased.
–The 1994 hit “All For Love,” featuring Sting alongside Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams; after this one single, the three men were never to perform together again.
–The rainforest.
–The Concorde.
–The Police.

Oh, and remember that “Do They Know It’s Christmas” song? They still don’t know. We asked.

‘Studio 60′ Cancellation Imminent [Fox News]
Earlier: Last Night’s “Studio 60″ Musical Guest: Oh, Sting, Where Is Thy Death?