WELL, FIRST OF ALL, HERE'S WHO'S OUT: Light of Doom. Which was inevitable, but a little sad, if only because their getting voted off meant that ...

NO NO NO: Denver and the Mile High Orchestra would be sticking around. And for their first song, Sheila E. cruelly had them perform Earth, Wind & Fire's "September." Which started off decent—the band's brass section is nothing if not competent—but fell down on the falsetto-rich chorus. Could Denver have any less charisma? Would the crowd members who booed when Dicko said that the band seemed like more of a novelty act than an album-oriented one actually shell out money for their full length?

Denver et al's second song was Vehicle's "Ides Of March," Ides of March's "Vehicle," about which less said the better, although I should note that Denver had less charisma and sounded even more honkified on this song than his previous outing. But Sheila liked it. (I think it's the church thing, I really do.) Their third song was an original that sounded like every other one of their performances, since their specialty isn't "making songs their own" as much as it is "shoehorning anything they can find into their narrowly defined template."

CHANGE THE (POP) WORLD(?): The Clark Brothers were first given Eric Clapton's "Change The World" as their cover by Johnny (because the lyrics were "very, very deep," he said), and they gave it a slightly nervous, but typically smoky, picking-heavy rendition. Sure, their take would never make it on the call-out-research-heavy radio landscape of today, but you at least have to give them credit for "making the song their own" without turning it into a cheesefest.

That doesn't mean that they can turn every song into something good. After all, it's sort of hard to steer clear of the dairy mines when you're saddled with Lonestar's "Amazed," which was their second track. Can I call sabotage? They raised themselves out of the fondue swamp with their third performance, a frenzied version of "This Little Light Of Mine," but wait... why do I feel like I've heard them do this before? Oh, wait.

WALKING THE WIRE: Dicko gave Sixwire "Reeling In The Years" by Steely Dan, and they once again gave the song a totally competent bar-band take on it, with slightly rickety harmonies and a somewhat decently executed double-guitar riff. Have I mentioned that I fucking hate Steely Dan so much that they make my teeth hurt? It's like... between this and the Rod Stewart episode, the powers that be make me want to not like this show. And I may not have a PeopleMeter, but I do count! I'm one of the few people watching this show until its bitter end!

Anyway, Sixwire's second song was "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" by England Dan & John Ford Coley. The one thing about these producer-picked songs: I'm finding out who actually sang songs that I had a vague knowledge of thanks to my incessant radio-flipping. Their third performance, the original "Good To Be Back," was a choogly rocker that had a lot of big harmonies and sounded good... but it was also the song they performed at their audition. So now I'm guessing that the producers are just figuring that no one has been watching all the way through, or that anyone who is has put the audition episode out of their heads. Maybe? Yes?

WHO'S GOING TO WIN: It's a crapshoot, really (and the lousy numbers and nonexistent online buzz for the show don't help much as far as helping predict a winner). For radio-readiness, Sixwire's the clear winner; as far as cuteness and an "it" factor, the Clark Brothers have the advantage. But given the craptasticness of this show, there has to be only one winner, and I'm talking about the one remaining band that has God on its side and a really cheesy guy serving as its frontman.

Next week: The finale! Where the winner is announced—and there may be a Goo Goo Dolls performance!

The Next Great American Band [Official site]
Earlier: Idolator's American Bandom archives
[Photo via Reality TV Magazine]

WHO'S OUT: Dot Dot Dot got sent packing back to Chicago, where they'll no doubt become the house band for local "alternative" station Q101. And for the first time, I actually was a little sad that they weren't playing, because when elimination time came, it was down to them and the Christian swingers in Denver and the Mile High Orchestra.

DEAR GOD NO: Who are just freaking terrible, let's get right down to it. They did a version of News Of The World's "Sleeping On The Sidewalk" that sounded pretty much like every other song they've performed in this competition, i.e., a song from a not-as-competent Brian Setzer Orchestra tribute band.

THE BIG TWO: The Clark Brothers took Dicko's advice from last week and added a drummer and another instrumentalist to their band, and they performed a lovely version of "These Are The Days Of Our Lives." Points to the frontman for singing and playing violin at the same time, too. Their original song, "Homestead," was a bit of a gloomier track, and I'm starting to wonder if their penchant for melancholy isn't going to do them in—especially since Sixwire turned "Fat Bottomed Girls" into a bar-band stomp that was probably my favorite performance of the night.

WHO'S GOING HOME NEXT WEEK: It has to be Light Of Doom, right? Their drumline opening for "We Will Rock You" was kind of cute, but their performance was roundly panned for being sloppy and, well, just not very good. I'd rather that "DMHO" (ugh) get sent home because their "make everything swing" tactic is just as unoriginal as Light Of Doom's metal paint-by-numbers, but the fact that Denver wore a shirt bearing his daughter's name—and declared that fact to the audience!—probably got them some sympathy votes from the few people who are actually still watching.

The Next Great American Band [Official site]
Earlier: Idolator's American Bandom archives
[Photo via Reality TV Magazine]

WHO'S OUT: Denver and the Mile High Orchestra's "Christian big band" status apparently blessed them with another undeserved week in the competition, as last week's complete muffing of the Rolling Stones' "I'm Free" was swept under the rug by the few people still calling into this show. This week, they gave "Baby Jane" the Tom Jones treatment; I'd say they were goners next week, but tickets for shows on the East Coast that they were scheduled to play this week have been "suspended", so maybe that means they have to stay out in Los Angeles for another week—or four!—of tapings.

So who got eliminated? The moptopped Florida combo (and my personal favorites) Tres Bien—and the timing only adds insult to injury, since Rod Stewart's catalog is pretty much tailor-made for their moddish pop. The judges were pretty nice to them upon their being eliminated, with Dicko saying that they could get a deal (although is that a good thing in today's climate?), Johnny Rzeznik calling all of them better musicians than he is, and Sheila E. saying that they deserve their own Saturday-morning TV show. Given the market these days, Sheila's advice might be what helps them the most in the long run...

THE FRONT-RUNNERS: The bluegrass trio the Clark Brothers vaulted into the "favorite" spot with a whsipery version of "You're In My Heart" that rendered Sheila E. speechless; she called their performance "overwhelming," and said that they were why she was there. (And here I thought it was the paycheck.) Dicko, however, missed the original song's fiddle part, and made what could be a potentially game-changing announcement: The bands are allowed to hire and fire members at will over the next few weeks. Does this mean that the annoying guy from Dot Dot Dot will finally be sent his walking papers? Will one of the bands try to poach the drummer from Franklin Bridge? Can the audience just fire Denver and the Mile High Orchestra outright? (If only.)

Anyway, the now-second-fiddle Sixwire contributed a ragged bar-band version of "Hot Legs" that was fine, although I probably would have talked over it were I out at a watering hole with pals. (On a related note, when I was at karaoke last week the book had not one, but two Sixwire songs.)

THE GONERS: Denver et al. have managed to stick around this long, and Sheila interviewed them about their faith (ugh) in the post-performance chat, so I'm going to say that America will keep their flame burning one more week. Given that Tres Bien's first-up status was probably what hurt them more than anything in last week's vote, I'm going to posit that the first band on Friday night's bill is the most likely to go next week. And that band was... Dot Dot Dot, who ran through "Young Turks" in a manner that was, according to Sheila, marked by "sporadic panic" as far as the tempo went. (Also, the frontman? Still pretty annoying!) They'll likely get the boot, but if they do, they can at least partly blame the lousy mix.

The Next Great American Band [Official site]
Earlier: Idolator's American Bandom archives
[Photo via Reality TV Magazine]

WHO'S OUT: Cliff Wagner and the Old No. 7. But the producers toyed with my emotions by putting Dot Dot Dot in the final two—so we got to hear their turgid, synthy take on "Let's Spend the Night Together," complete with the idiot lead singer wearing a freakin' fedora and holding hands with the crowd during the song's breakdown. Just when I think I've run out of reasons to completely write off these dopes...

THE FRONT-RUNNERS: The host opened the show by saying that things were "getting serious." Um, sure? Sixwire, who are pretty much a lock to win this thing unless the lead singer's face gets melted off in a freaky acid accident, added a lively twang to "The Last Time," although the guitar solo at the song's end was a little bit too show-offy. Meanwhile, middle-school metallers Light Of Doom gave a performance of "Jumpin' Jack Flash" that was no doubt inspired by old Guns N' Roses demos; the musicianship was fine, but the lead preteen's voice was in that weird space between "atonal" and "showy." It also made crankypants Dicko get into Little Steven mode, telling the kids to learn about the Rolling Stones because they were "fantastic, fantastic role models," except for the whole Keith-Hoovering-anything-that-stays-in-one-place thing.

THE IDOLATOR FAVES: The Clark Brothers turned "Gimme Shelter" into a pretty incredible malestrom of guitars with a lead vocal that barely resembled the original until the very end; sure, they did the old "make it your own" trick that judges on American Idol and its spinoff shows love, but will the few people still watching be turned off by their reinterpretation of the track? Or will they be OK with the new take on the track because the band admitted to praying beforehand?

Meanwhile, Tres Bien!, perhaps unsurprisingly, picked "Get Off My Cloud," turning it into a herky-jerky rave-up that recalled the Creation's "Cool Jerk"... until it nicked the guitar riff from "Satisfaction." Cheesy! (And Johnny Rzeznik agreed with me, even calling it "a little Broadway." He's learned from Simon well, apparently.) But given that Denver and the Mile High Orchestra and Dot Dot Dot are still around, this little bit of misappropriation shouldn't hurt them too much, especially with the "girls looking for cute floppy-haired boys" demographic.

THE GONERS: I'm already bracing myself: Dot Dot Dot is going to live on another week, mainly because Denver and the Mile High Orchestra—who are now referring to themselves as "D.M.H.O.," for serious—did a Tom Jonesy take on "I'm Free," complete with Denver being clad in a blazer-and-jeans ensemble. Johnny wished that they'd performed "Bitch"; I just wished that they'd been voted off already.

The Next Great American Band [Official site]
[Photo via rickey.org]
Earlier: Idolator's American Bandom archives

I'm starting to think that my TiVo is trying to dissuade me from ever sullying its hard drive with the ratings disaster that is The Next Great American Band, because once again, it thwarted my attempts to record this week's episode, which featured the top seven bands performing Lieber & Stoller songs and the shock elimination that was teased last week. Yes, the chops-filled funkin'-for-God band Franklin Bridge was sent home, which shocked Sheila E. and the blonde dude from Tres Bien!, but didn't surprise me at all; the lead singer's attempts to clean up the not-even-that-bawdy poetry of Long Island's bard, Billy Joel, most likely offended all the people who were just tuned into Band as a way to bide their time before Don't Forget The Lyrics. Because I really think that's the only reason people are even watching the show at this point anyway.

Tres Bien Top 7 [YouTube]

WHO'S OUT: Rocket and the Muggs. Unsurprising, but too bad (almost); you know that Rocket was going to pull a by-the-numbers pop-punk version of "My Life" out of its hat as a weak fuck-you to the increasingly unenthused by them judges.

METAL: IT'S IN LONG ISLAND'S WATER: So basically my deal with Billy Joel is this: I liked him OK as a kid—"Big Shot" in particular was a favorite—but then I hit my "rebellious" phase in about seventh grade, at which point he transformed into the epitome of everything that was Long Island and therefore wrong with the world/the people around me. This irritation was only exacerbated by the fact that he went to my high school (Hicksville High School of Hicksville, N.Y.), and he'd always claim that he was from the next town over (because it was the OG suburb of Levittown, which had more cul-de-sac cred), and we had a three-day lesson on "We Didn't Start The Fire" in ninth grade, and his songs were always lurking somewhere in the music-geek outposts I hung out in. Also: He graduated the year before I did, thanks to some kid bringing an ice pick to school and the school needing some good PR fast; the powers that be waived his gym credit in order to give him his cap and gown. (And they gave him an English credit for his lyrics, which probably should be more offensive to me, but I was at least good in that class.)

Anyway, having long fled Long Island, my stance on him has somewhat mellowed—although I still think that most of his post-An Innocent Man output is straight-up garbage, and he should never write a ballad again—and as if to prove that I may have been wrong about him as an angry young (wo)man, the kiddie-metal outfit Light Of Doom turned "The Stranger" into a straight-up metal stomp. Their timing was way off and their lead singer kinda lost the plot at one point, but the concept was really just perfect. Much better proof of Joel's Long Island roots than "The Downeaster Alexa," that's for sure.

THE FRONT-RUNNERS: Country balladeers Sixwire played it safe, turning "She's Always A Woman" into a twangified power ballad. It was boring, but it was the sort of dull that will certainly play to the 400-people-in-Nebraska crowd, and it probably cinched their victory in this whole thing. Especially because fellow front-runners Franklin Bridge totally screwed up their performance of "Big Shot," and wound up being the night's biggest disappointment. It was musically competent—and the guitar solo at the song's end was terrific—but the vocalist completely botched the lyrics, making the performance a bit of a mess. And it was hard to tell if said screw-ups were intentional; after all, they are a good Christian band, and making references to coke spoons and throwing around the word "bitchin'" surely wouldn't please the Lord.

THE IDOLATOR FAVES: The true standout was Cliff Wagner's bluegrassy mix-up of "You May Be Right"; it retained the song's lyrical sass, and wasn't quirkily annoying the way that genre-switches can be. The Clark Brothers whiffed with a wan performance of "She's Got A Way" that was, alas, not saved by a little jam at the end; meanwhile, I only saw the first 30 seconds of Tres Bien's take on "Movin' Out"—another favorite of mine, especially since I spent my weekend doing just that—but they somehow glommed the jaunty beat from the New Pornographers' "The Slow Descent Into Alcoholism" onto it, and the result sounded kinda herky-jerky and weird.

THE GONERS: Denver and the Mile High Orchestra's competent, yet boring take on "Tell Her About It" was unimpressive—it sounded as if they'd taken all their cues for their performance from the song's video, which is probably likely—and Dot Dot Dot was still Annoying Annoying Annoying, as their take on "Pressure" was marred by the keyboardist getting tripped up by the song's main riff and the lead singer making me want to eat nails. But I suspect that the stumbling Franklin Bridge will be out. And no one else. Did I mention that next week begins the stage of only one band at a time being eliminated?

The Next Great American Band [Official site]
The Next Great American Band [rickey.org]
Earlier: Idolator's American Bandom archives]

WHO'S OUT: So the way the show was structured was as such: Each band that made it through was called up, one by one, to perform their two songs of the week—an original and an Elton John cover, about which more in a minute. The last three bands standing were Denver & the Mile High Orchestra, the Hatch, and the Likes of You, and even without the benefit of spoilers it was blindingly obvious who was going home. So Denver got called, which led to each of the eliminated bands saying their goodbyes, and one of the guys in the Hatch said:

"I would like to say that America's spoken, but I can't really say that that's really true. I think about three hundred people in Nebraska have spoken."

Oh no he didn't! Anyway, the guy probably had a point—the show's ratings sank even further on Friday, falling even further behind the CW's all-wrestling offerings—and his act of martyrdom prompted fans of the band to posit that the Hatch could follow Daughtry in the pantheon of "successful people who lost on TV." Which probably won't be the case—namely because people actually watched Idol—but any port in a storm, right?

The Hatch's tantrum also served to overshadow the performances on the show, although to be fair, only about half of them were really any good, and none of them found the bands leaving their comfort zone at all.

THE FRONT-RUNNERS: The "housewives' favorite" Sixwire, as Dicko has termed them, performed an original track that would sound just fine mixed into CMT and a version of "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" that was a bit bloodless. (Although I'm forever biased toward the George Michael take.) The judges loved them, though, perhaps because they're absolutely marketable on every level. Meanwhile, Franklin Bridge did "Philadelphia Freedom," in keeping with their constant Phlogging; meanie judge Dicko's comment that the band was "overarranging" all of its songs, though, was completely spot-on. It's also tough to make an outfit with so much sheer musicianship going on sound good on TV—things can descend into a soup pretty quickly, and that's what happened here. I'm thinking that, even though the judges love them, they'll be out of the show by the time the finals come around.

THE IDOLATOR FAVORITES: I know that Tres Bien's That Thing You Do! schtick is a little tired, but the two songs this group of goofs performed on Friday—including a punchy take on Elton John's "Love Lies Bleeding"—were both tracks that I would download immediately, were the band's MySpace page still offering MP3s. (Booo.) Meanwhile, the Clark Brothers did another rip-roaring original, then switched things up a bit with a slow, pretty version of Elton's "Country Comfort" that nearly shimmered.

THE GIRLS: There's no chance that Rocket is going home soon, because there are probably many poor saddoes out there who are home on Friday nights and voting for the LA band based on "hotness." And I might have a little more sympathy for them if they had a song in their repertoire that didn't sound like the Joan Jett version of the Mary Tyler Moore Show theme. And if their frontwoman could actually, you know, use her lungs when she sings, instead of just wheezing out through her nose. But she got defensive when Sheila E. called her voice "horrific" (!), so the likelihood of that is slim.

THE GONERS: Dot Dot Dot—whose first song sounded like a very poor ripoff of "Valerie" by Steve Winwood—may be the worst band in the history of music ever and should be relegated to background status in teen-movie party scenes immediately. And the Muggs, after showing so much Nuggets-y promise in the first week, will probably go down as well, especially since the fans of their bar-band-by-the-numbers rock are actually out at bars (in Nebraska!) while the voting's going on. (The Light Of Doom's version of "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting" was absolutely terrible, but they're backed by Vote For The Worst; given this show's anemic numbers, that support is probably going to be enough to propel the all-kiddie metal outfit to at least the top two.)

Next week: Perhaps realizing that the Hatch guy had a point and that their show needs to get some viewers on the coasts fast, the producers have handed the bands the songbook of one William Joel, thus ensuring that the show may at least garner the eyeballs of a handful of New York-area drama club members who aren't allowed to go out on Friday nights.

The Next Great American Band [Official site]
Earlier: Idolator's American Bandom archives]
[Photo via Reality TV Magazine]

The 12 finalists—yes, the powers that be narrowed down the field pretty quickly, although I'm kind of glad that I didn't have to sit through three weeks of fortysomething dudes in clown makeup trying to be "seriously" "funny"—were forced to play two songs on this week's episode: An original song and a Bob Dylan cover. Because that's what every up-and-coming band does when they want to really overreach, of course! As you might expect, the results were decidedly mixed-bordering-on-bad, although there were a few bands who almost redeemed the concept—or at least they would have if not for the large Dylan pictures that were looming over them on video screens as they tried to knock on heaven's door.

THE GOOD: The drumless, picking-and-shredding-old-instruments trio the Clark Brothers tore through a pretty decent version of "Maggie's Farm," while Franklin Bridge showcased its completely sick drummer on "Tangled Up In Blue" and an original song that it dedicated to the victims of the California wildfires.

THE BAD: The Hatch—a.k.a. "the band with Michael Keaton's kid"—not only played a wedding-band version of "It's All Over Now, Baby Blue," the lead singer almost took out his bass player while he was careening around the stage. The Likes of You—a Los Angeles band who didn't even rate a bit in the show's opening episode (Zombie Bazooka Patrol, you are still missed)—gave "Blowin' In the Wind" the "Brown Eyed Girl" happy-boogie treatment. And the alt-rock-by-numbers outfit Dot Dot Dot somehow decided to transform "Like A Rolling Stone" into a buzz ballad; the results were slightly better than what Eve 6 might have done with it, but when you're trotting out that comparison, you know things are pretty dire.

WOMEN IN ROCK WATCH: And so we come to Rocket, the all-female band from Los Angeles who, the front-"sexy lady" (she asked to be called that) claims, is "just as good as any boys out there." They're a competent-enough pop-punk band, although said frontwoman is all stage presence—flipping hair, bouncing, fingerless gloves—and no vocals. Their version of "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" saw lyrical interpretation as an afterthought, although their original track wouldn't have sounded out of place at the tail end of a Lookout! sampler from 1996. On the bright side, the lead singer's obvious lack of lung power prompted Johnny Rzeznik to utter the name "Siouxsie Sioux" on an Idol-produced telecast for the first time ever.

WHO WE VOTED FOR: Well, we would have voted for the Clark Brothers and Franklin Bridge had we not had social obligations on Friday night; as it was, we watched the show on DVR delay and missed the two-hour window for voting. (Also, why isn't there a text-messaging option for voting on this show? Did the biz-dev department, upon seeing Band's Friday-night graveyard slot, get the hint that setting up a catchy short code for this show wouldn't be worth the meetings?)

WHO AMERICA WILL PROBABLY CUT: Given that the ratings for Band have been so low, the first week of phone-in voting will probably come down to demographics/the power of "cute." Which means that all the roots acts—the Rascal Flatts-in-training Sixeyes, the Clark Brothers, the bluegrassy Cliff Wagner—are probably safe. As is The Hatch, if only because of the lead guy's looks/fame one-two punch. So who does that leave? The Muggs, who came off like a choogly bar band and weren't even bad as much as unmemorable (even if one of them suffered a stroke), will be the first to go, and they'll be followed by Dot Dot Dot, who may be even cheesier than any fake band dreamed up by Law & Order's writing team.

Next week: Two bands get the boot, and the 10 remaining bands run through the oeuvre of David Bowie—which sounds terrifying, although a spitfiery Clark Brothers version of "Little Wonder" could actually be kind of terrific. Are you listening, producers?

The Next Great American Band
Earlier: Idolator's American Bandom archives
[Photo via AV Club]

We open with a breathless intro package that runs down the audition process: Apparently "hundreds of auditions, thousands of DVDs, and thousands of Internet submissions" were received by the producers of Band, thanks in part to "the news spread[ing] like wildfire on TV"... or rather on Fox newscasts, which surely appreciated the opportunity to put off news gathering in order to get their cross-promotion on. Apparently the winner of this competition will not wind up like Ruben Studdard or Taylor Hicks, but like Daughtry (you know, last year's Idol third-place finisher?) and Carrie Underwood. (Aw, poor Kelly.) We're going to go through 60 bands in this episode, and that field will be narrowed down to 12. What!

Dramatis personae:
Dominic Bowden, host of New Zealand Idol. (So he has a job to go back to when this gets canceled.)
Dicko. The Simon of Australian Idol. Likes polo shirts as opposed to Simon's deep-v black Ts.
Sheila E. The Paula Abdul character, but less drunk and better behind the kit. Into presentation and unity.
Johnny Rzeznik. Sincerity, good songwriting, a great performance.

The rundown: Let's just go through the bands that got through—and a couple that didn't—in order, because this is really a long-ass show:

Sizzling Happy Family, Cunningham, Tennessee. Our first band brings the tension straightaway. One of the guys has kids and a deadline—he's going to break up the band if it doesn't head to the next round. "We'll either be selling these guitars or getting them for free." Are they really going to have every band run through a complete song? These guys are a pretty competent bar band, going so far as to go into a boogie breakdown that includes—oh man!—a rubber-chicken-aided guitar solo that's accompanied by a grill. Talk about pyro on the cheap. But they get the thumbs-down because ... they can't sell records! And "this business is never going to be about the songs."

Tres Bien, Clearwater, Fla. A completely fun mod band that has its audition song, the punchy "Your Graceful Soul," available for download on its MySpace. They're through, because Dicko was impressed by their songcraft and the time capsule they've embedded themselves in. We're only one finalist in and I already have a favorite!

(Here I should also note that the Idol "joke band" ideal was still in full effect, despite there only being 60 bands on the show: One had someone wearing what's supposed to be a horse head while singing "Kids In America," although it kind of looked like a turned-around version of the T-Bone costume Patrick Stump wore in the video for "The Take Over, The Break's Over." And there's also Xenovibes, a drum/theremin combo that covered "Good Vibrations." And the woman who plays her bass while humping it. And the doo-wop group. These are all obviously setup for Dicko's Simon-like tantrums, and I kind of hope that these bands that are being held up for mockery in the billion-degree heat—seriously, he flips out about having to sit through a freaking polka band, and how would that have ever gotten through in the first place?—at least got their trips to Vegas-adjacent for free. )

Light of Doom, San Marcos, Calif. Junior high kids who look like Hanson, shit-talk the kids at school who make fun of them, and wear shirts with their logo before they go shirtless:

Their influences: ninja, boobs, explosions, Iron Maiden, '80s metal. The lead singer is operating in the castrati Bruce Dickinson vein, and the guitarist's solo isn't that bad! Sheila E. is goading Johnny into saying yes... and he does.

The Hatch, Brooklyn. A "hot" lead singer and a white-funk-gone-bad sound: This is what Maroon 5 hath wrought. (Dicko actually refers to them as "Maroon 3 1/2," which sounds a bit generous.) On the bright side, it's "nice" to know that Brooklyn isn't only putting out art-rock bands these days.

Big Toe, San Diego. OK, I actually know this band, which has a bass player who has no arms and who plays his instrument—and drives his car—using his feet. If you're one of the 12 people who cared about NBC's ill-fated attempt at this concept, StarTomorrow, you might remember them; they play peppy, semi-funky pop-punk. As a band, though, they aren't really that good.

The Clark Brothers, Nashville. Basically a showcase for some insane guitar playing; they're an all-guitar outfit that covers "This Little Light Of Mine," but add crazy solos. Who knows how they're going to do during, say, Latin week, but their virtuosity gets them through.

Zombie Bazooka Patrol, Nashville. White makeup, black lipstick. They look like Juggalos on school-picture day, but they play sweetly raucous country that wouldn't sound out of place at a Bloodshot barbecue. And Johnny calls their song a "one-hit wonder!" (Not everyone can write a song as amazing as "Slide," I guess. Ahem.) That doesn't stop them from getting through. I'm kind of surprised that I genuinely like two of the winning bands—and am charmed by one—at this point.

(Important note: During a "fun with the contestants" montage, one person is wearing a t-shirt that says "Skaneateles." Yet we never see that band play a note! What gives?)

Dot Dot Dot, Chicago. They play three shows a week at least. A five-piece that looks like they were transported straight to Las Vegas from a MisShapes night at the Metro. they cover "Always Something There To Remind Me." I've heard Naked Eyes, and they ... are no Naked Eyes. But they are through. Ugh. Q101, you have so much to answer for.

Northmont, Dayton. Operating in the Daughtry/Eddie Vedder vein, although really the only Vedder-channeling happened when the lead singer climbed the rafters. (Side note: The setting—on a lake outside of Las Vegas—is giving this whole enterprise a serious MTV Spring Break feel.) And even though their musicianship sucks, they get a do-over—probably because they operate in the vein of "bands who are actually selling records in 2007."

The Muggs, Detroit. A feel-good story because their bass player had a stroke; a feel-bad story because their take on Nuggets isn't quite there in my estimation. But maybe they didn't translate well to TV, because all the judges love them and they're through to the next round.

Denver and the Mile High Orchestra, Nashville. Do you like Harry Connick? The judges sure did! Although Dicko thinks the lead singer has "a touch of the Ned Flanders." More cross-promotion ahoy!

Zolar X, Plutonia. Yes, that Zolar X. Unfortunately, they didn't perform "Timeless," and their performance of "Retro Rocket" was very creaky. But at least they gave Dicko the chance to make a "Uranus" joke.

Sixwire, Nashville. With a lead singer who looks like Sawyer from Lost and a big, harmony-filled country-rock sound, how can they lose? At least until next week.

Cliff Wagner and the Old No. 7, San Pedro. It would appear that Fox really wants the next great American band to really represent America, as this outfit has a nice acoustic-bluegrass feel. They also get the chance to do a second song in order to win over the pop crowd, and they give "Like A Virgin" the cover-song treatment. Well, a verse of it, because that's all they know. But it's enough to get them through to the next round!

At this point things start running out of time, so we're treated to a montage of other bands who the judges liked: The Likes Of You (Daughtry with a very high yowl), Red Halo (Hinder fronted by C.C. DeVille), Lexicon (shitty rap-rock by snippets from the Cobrasnake's cutting-room floor), Blackbird (second-tier modern rock).

Franklin Bridge, Philadelphia. Funk metal: It may be on the way back, especially if the three people sitting behind the panel have anything to say about it. (The drummer of this band and Sheila even did a little bit of drummer-geek bonding.) They're through to next week, too.

Rocket, Los Angeles. They do a peppy-enough cover "Blitzkrieg Bop," although the lead singer's vocalists are a bit too ... musical-theatery polished for a Ramones song. (Not to mention that once she comes in, the band's pace begins to sag more than a little bit.) They get cut off, the second band in a row to do so, but they're still through. The judges are probably getting as tired of this as the viewers are.

And finally, we come to Northmont's second chance. The lead singer's kind of out of tune, the song's a generic plodder in the Lite-FM-rock vein, and the band doesn't really sound that much better than it did in its first go-round ... so they don't get through, even though the judges like the lead singer, and would even add him to some of the other bands in the competition. Wait, didn't this whole "come back ... no, wait, we still don't like you" scenario happen on American Idol last season, too? Well, I guess we know who's writing the scripts. The whole outro is a depressing montage of Northmont's members beating themselves up for sucking and having to go back to their jobs. But at least the guy wearing the "Skaneatles" shirt shows up again.

The top 12: Tres Bien, Light Of Doom, The Hatch, The Clark Brothers, Dot Dot Dot, The Muggs, Denver and the Mile High Orchestra, Sixwire, Cliff Wagner, The Likes Of You, Franklin Bridge, and Rocket. Wait a second, what about Zombie Bazooka Patrol? Aw, nuts.

The bottom line: So the first episode was kind of a clusterfuck—blame having to shove 60 bands into 120 minutes, a feat that even the most schizophrenic TRL cutting wouldn't be able to achieve—but Band could be a pretty interesting show, as the judges desperately try to hold on to acts that don't just fit the Daughtry/country profile in order to give it some texture. Will it work? Considering that I don't even know if this show will work—Fox is probably already trying to get a hold of StarTomorrow's back-end from NBC—I'm not going to make any prognostications just yet.

Rooting interests, as of now: Tres Bien and Light of Doom. Although I'm going to say that Sixwire will probably win, if only because their brand of hottie-fronted big country will reel in the Friday-night homebodies who would otherwise be watching Numb3rs.

The Next Great American Band [MySpace]

Start with the timeslot: Fridays at 8 p.m., where the competition isn't just the other TV shows, but evening plans as well.

"The Next Great American Band" will face decent competition in its time slot, as it's up against CBS' "Ghost Whisperer," NBC's "Deal or No Deal" and ABC's "20/20" — or whatever rerun ABC chooses to run in that slot. None of those shows are anywhere close to being in the top 20 of the Nielsens.

On the positive side, there's lots of room for this show to make an impact, since all it needs to do is get people who ordinarily aren't watching television on Friday nights to flip on the tube and give it a chance. A negative spin is that people tend not to plan their Friday nights around television in the first place. If the people in targeted demographics plan to start their weekend by seeing a band live and in person instead of watching a bunch of groups playing on TV, it's not going to generate big numbers.

It's possible that being on earlier rather than later will help, as fans of live music can theoretically watch the show and then go out to a club afterward. But it's more likely that interested viewers will set up their DVRs and watch later, a practice that doesn't factor into immediate Nielsen rating numbers and may have less of an impact with advertisers.

Moreover, one of the appeals of "Idol" is that it's a great show to talk about at the office. Singers take the stage on a Tuesday, and the Wednesday coffee break is all about who did well and who was terrible. Wednesday night is the results show, and Thursday is usually filled with outrage over America's choice. It encourages discussion, which increases the viewer investment in the show.

It will be hard for "The Next Great American Band" to ride that same dynamic because it's more than 48 hours between that and the start of the work week. It's never going to own the Monday morning conversation the way "Idol" sometimes does after it airs.

Also, the show's format itself suffers from the same weakness as many of its rivals — it's so derivative of "Idol" that it looks like a poor cousin of the original. Hey, look, it's the guy with the accent as the lead judge! Just like on "Idol." And "So You Think You Can Dance." And "Dancing With the Stars." And "America's Got Talent." What would an American reality show be without a foreigner being the bad cop?

And he didn't even mention that the show hasn't warranted its own FOX.com mini-site yet. (Scissor Sisters in the top friends? Are they really trying to find "The Next Great American Band That Isn't Popular In America But Is Huge In Blighty"?) It did feel like this show was a bit of a stretch of the Idol concept from the first time I saw a promo; just the idea of having bands made up of different moving parts, instead of single singers, go through the motions of different styles and genres seemed like it would be tough to pull off without—not to repeat this point, but it's the motif that keeps cropping up in my head—going the wedding-band route. Still, I will be recapping it every Monday, because what if the ska revival is cemented by a bunch of Bosstones revivalists winning the crown, and the heart of those Americans who actually stay home on Friday nights? The possibility of missing out on that moment just fills my heart with too much sorrow.

The Next Great American Band [Official MySpace]
'American Band' has to drum up own success [MSNBC]