Having taken on file-sharing in a previous issue, the world of Archie is now going to take on an even bigger musical scourge for the 250th issue of Archie Digest: "Betty and Veronica leave Riverdale to visit Beverly Hills and end up shopping with pop star 'Jessica Simmers,' who's modeled after Jessica Simpson." It's unknown if the gang winds up discussing the politics of the Iraq War, but the girls are scandalized by "sushi and tofu dog vendor carts on Rodeo Drive," I guess because there's no Whole Foods within driving distance of Pop's. [Page Six]
According to the guy currently running the United States, things really started to turn around for Good Old America in Iraq "when the USO deployed Jessica Simpson" for a show. No word on whether or not Iraqi-Simpsonian relations are going to be a hot topic at tonight's Presidential debate as a result of this particular revelation, but at the very least, Jess can take comfort in having a career in international diplomacy once this whole country-album boondoggle finally flames out. [NYP]
From time to time, we like to round up the all-important, all-summarizing last sentences of the biggest new-music reviews. After the jump, we look at other publications' reactions to Jessica Simpson's Dolly Parton-assisted foray into country music, Do You Know.
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The long road bringing Jessica Simpson back to the country world will near either its end or a big bend this week, as her Dollytastic album Do You Know hits stores tomorrow. Early notices on the album haven't been all that great, but the "singer/reality star/movie actress," as the AP describes her, took the stage at the Grand Ole Opry on Saturday night. Her performance of the genre-crossing single "Come On Over" has shown up on YouTube, and while it would seem that she's having a hard time reining in some of her worst tics from her pop career—what, exactly, does the "boi-oi-oing"ing of her head signify, anyway?—the song is fairly spunky. Video after the jump.
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Jessica Simpson's apparently doing reasonably well in the field of country music, since she's scheduled to appear on the Grand Ole Opry this Saturday. Sure, according to one Wisconsin writer, she hasn't been terribly well-received by the country crowd, but when you're on a bill with country legend Loretta Lynn, either something's going right or the staff of the Opry finally tired of avoiding Joe's phone calls. The show on Saturday is billed as a "Ladies' Night," and Patty Loveless and the wonderful Crystal Shawanda are also on the bill. Still, if Patsy Cline rises from her grave in zombie form to attack Simpson on stage, I might not be surprised. [Grand Ole Opry]
ARTIST: Jessica Simpson featuring Dolly Parton
Let's say you're sent to cover the Country Thunder festival for your local Wisconsin newspaper and Jessica Simpson is slated to perform. Would you expect your portrayal of the audience's reaction to her performance to launch dozens of stories and blog posts around the globe?
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Jessica Simpson's always been a bit of Daisy Duke (yes that is ZZ Top with her above), but it's still a little surprising to hear her abandoning pop, twanging up her voice and surrounding it with steel guitars on her new single, "Come On Over" (gee, that title seems oddly familiar). The song is blandly competent, but I just can't get over the opening line, "Leave your dishes in the sink/ leave your ice cubes in your drink/ just come on over. Leave my ice cubes in my drink? As opposed to where, my nipples?
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Because they're the ones out there fighting for our freedom to spend the best years of our lives reordering our Top 8, America's beleaguered troops currently stationed in Kuwait are soon to get a visit from Tom and the rest of the MySpace gang. On March 10, "Operation MySpace," a live concert featuring the hottest stars of a couple years ago, will be broadcast around the world (no guesses as to where you can tune in) starting at 2 p.m. EST. And just how much does MySpace hate the men and women of our Armed Forces? Quite a bit, judging by this lineup.
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From Pitchfork to Artforum, publications love to pad out their year-end coverage with Top Ten lists from musicians, whether world-famous or positively subterranean, but perhaps only Billboard could bring together Greg Dulli and Katharine McPhee. Instead of reprinting them all—there are many, and do you really care that the dudes from Vampire Weekend also liked that Panda Bear record an awful lot?—we've included our "Top Three Lists From Billboards's Top Tens" after the jump, along with our "The Good," "The Bad," and "The Whaaaa?" wrap-up, so as not to spoil the fun.
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Pimp daddy Joe Simpson on the bouncers who got into a scuffle with him, Pete Wentz, and daughter Ashlee on Sunday night in Las Vegas: "[They're] just mad they make $12 an hour." On the bright side, we now have a definitive leader in the "first against the wall when the inevitably bloody class war comes" race. (Donald Trump must be so relieved.) [NYDN]
- Lupe Fiasco's business partner was sentenced to 44 years in jail after police found six kilograms of heroin in a storage locker, a situation that is both loopy and fiascuous. [Chicago Sun-Times]
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