Idolator: Jezebel

"Rolling Stone" And "Blender" Face Off Over Britney Spears

Anono-Critic — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 10:00:20 EST

Once again, we present Rock-Critically Correct, a feature in which the most recent issues of Rolling Stone, Blender, Vibe and Spin are given a once-over by an anonymous writer who's contributed to several of those titles—or maybe even all of them! After the click-through, he contrasts the Britney Spears cover stories in the new issues of Rolling Stone and Blender:

Your Boy's best guess is that the issue of Blender under consideration this week was about to be sent to the printer when it was announced that Joe Levy was going to leave his post as Rolling Stone's executive editor for Blender's editor-in-chief job.

YB's analysis of the dual legacies of Levy and departing Blender EIC Craig Marks was written the next day, so he did not see this interview with Levy in Adweek until it was too late. Therein, he says that you can expect Blender to be more respectful of artists than it has been previously.

This is not, frankly, good news. It's not unreasonable to suggest that Blender would often rather musical acts prance and caper monkey-style in their pages for the amusement of their readers than be treated as humans with, y'know, dignity. But it was the readers to which Blender answered, whereas "respect for artists" is really code for Rolling Stone's frequently cozy relationship with major labels and owner Jann Wenner's pals. You'd think that Levy might want to be freed of such considerations, but the above does not augur well how Blender is to be distinguished from RS going forward. We'll see...

The March 2008 edition of Blender stands as the final issue helmed by Marks. The former Spin editor and former muckety-muck of the before-its-time Inside.com launched the mag in 2001 as the savvy consigliere to Andy Pemberton, an Englishman who was not particularly attuned to American culture. After Pemberton was fired in 2004, Marks took the EIC seat. (A commenter in the above-linked Levy/Marks analysis speculated that Marks would make a move towards TV or new media projects, which would make sense, given his involvement with Inside.)

He goes out with a bang with his final issue, despite the fact that it's possible that RS put together a competing cover piece very quickly for its Feb. 21 issue in order to specifically fuck with Blender's newsstand sales. YB may be hunting for poltergeists here, seeing as Britney Spears-related content has recently been estimated to generate $120 million for the American economy every year. But Mr. Wenner is known to play hardball when his aides-de-camp dare defect to a competitor.

Both magazines bear the image of Ms. Spears, a woman who is pretty much the embodiment of Blender's raison d'etre and known to have a mutually advantageous relationship with RS when her career was functional. On Blender's cover, her face is Photoshopped onto a model's body, a crushed Red Bull can and a Mouseketeer cap full of cig butts visible below. RS's cover features a heartbreaking close-up of her face, cropped from an old file photo.

YB should disclose his agenda: He does not visit TMZ.com and perezhilton.com and is otherwise not compelled to cogitate on the daily-unfolding events of Ms. Spears' life. He does pretty much like every song he's ever heard released under her name—and he loves more than a few—and is reasonably confident that, if said life had taken another path, she could have easily been one of many southern girls who drops her flimsy garment on a nearby chair then proceeds to gyrate and bend over in front of YB's face for $20 a dance. YB will leave the psychological spelunking to the authors of the articles discussed below, and wish Ms. Spears well.

Blender's cover story on Ms. Spears, "The Road to Ruin," is very very good. Apparently, the mag had tried to do a conventional Spears piece late last fall, but given the events of the past two months, that wasn't to be. Instead, contributing writer Michael Joseph Gross pens an engrossing, deeply reported story that attempts to determine why Ms. Spears's life has immolated, compared to innumerable reports that settle for the "what" of said immolation.

Gross diligently recounts the events that have transfixed people other than YB, but he goes into great detail regarding the paparazzi that hound Spears. These "paps" (call 'em "mopes" or "thugs" if you like) are also something like her friends and confidants, often paying for her gas and fast food when she's indisposed. While Adnan Ghalib is now well known as the "pap" who has bedded Spears, Gross also goes into the shady history of Ghalib's rival, Sam Lutfi, the latest in a series of Hollywood hustlers/quasi-suitcase pimps who has appeared to be running her life and who has two restraining orders against him.

One of the "experts" swanning in to expound on the meaning of it all is Michael Hirschorn, the ex-VH1 exec behind the network's "Celebreality" programming and Marks' former boss at Inside (which probably should have been disclosed). "She got chewed up and spat out by this new celebrity culture," he says, "so it's hard not to feel some sympathy for her. She really was turned into a lab rat." Given his recent doings, Hirschorn might have mentioned something regarding his own culpability in the "new celebrity culture."

RS's piece, "The Tragedy of Britney Spears," is written by Vanessa Grigoriadis, who last fall penned a chin-stroker as to the greater meaning of the enterprise of which Idolator.com is a part. Her story is thus lighter on reportorial rigor and heavier on pop psychology than Gross'. "[Spears] is not book smart," Grigoriadis writes. "But she is intelligent enough to understand what the world wanted of her: that she was created as a virgin to be deflowered before us for our amusement and titillation. She is not ashamed of her new persona—she wants us to know what we did to her... she is enjoying the chaos she's creating."

An editor's note states that Grigoriadis spent six weeks running after Ms. Spears around L.A., so it could be that her article was conceived independent of Levy's egress. She also is granted a brief interview with Ghalib and interacts with many of the shifty hustlers who buzzard about Spears. Due to RS's later deadline, Grigoriadis covers Spears' two hospitalizations, the power struggle between Lufti and Adnan's over access to her, and her family's attempt to wrest control from the above two. Said deadline did not permit Spears' recently concluded two-week stint in UCLA Medical Center's psych ward and probably some other shit that happened while YB was writing this goddamn sentence.

Here are three factoids intended as exclusive info but present in both articles:

1. Spears had breast augmentation when she was seventeen.

2. Kevin Federline is known amongst his bros as "Meat Pole" (Gross reports that Federline called his brother after his first night with his bride-to-be, remarking "you're not going to believe whose back I broke").

3. Paris Hilton refers to Spears as "The Animal."

Ultimately, YB has to call the Battle of the Competing Definitive Britney Narratives a draw. He also wonders how many sources talked to both writers after promising "exclusivity" to each.

Otherwise, YB'll make some quick comments on the March Blender, since he thought he'd be assessing only that mag before the Feb. 21 RS showed up on the newsstand.

• Robert Smith, photographed for an "In the Studio" front-of-book piece regarding The Cure's in-progress album, looks like a portly beggar sans makeup.

• YB, no huge fan of R.E.M., is astounded that Senior Critic Jon Dolan reckons in the "Every Album Reviewed and Rated" back-catalogue feature that the band's naked ploy for grunge bucks, 1995's Monster, deserves five stars and is thus better than 1984's Reckoning and 1991's Out of Time.

• In an otherwise half-baked "the edit staff like these things" package titled "The Best List 2008," contributor Aaron Burgess crafts a March Madness-styled tournament chart to determine "the best heavy metal drummer." Beginning with post-NWoBHM beatsmen and extending to the current extreme metal movement (no Ian Paice and Tommy Lee, sadly), Meshuggah's Tomas Haake prevails over Slayer's Dave Lombardo. Burgess is allowed to use musicianly jargon therein, nominally a Blender no-no.

• Finally, Robert Christgau, the author of a recent RS review that YB noted seemed edited into tortured blandness, now appears in Blender's masthead as Dolan's co-Senior Critic. It seems that the Dean has already followed his onetime apprentice Levy over to Blender, possibly leaving RS's hypothetical copyeditor with no editorial mandate along the lines of "we know this guy indignantly refuses to turn in clear, readable copy, but he's the dean of rock criticism, so you, me and the rest of the staff have to grant him deference available to no one else."

The Plain White T's Muse Speaks: What She Really Wants To Do Is Run

Maura Johnston — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 12:15:56 EST

This morning, Today sat down for a chat with Delilah DiCrescenzo, the young Olympic hopeful who inspired the Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" and who'll be attending the Grammys next month as lead singer Tom Higginson's date. Even though she has a boyfriend! Who, she claims in her delay-plagued chat with Meredith Vieira and Matt Lauer, is actually completely fine with her going on said date, although one wonders how much he was gritting his teeth when he reiterated that fact. DiCrescenzo is, bless her heart, saying that her Grammy appearance will be a good opportunity for her to humanize track and field before this summer's Olympics in Beijing, although one does wonder if her definition of "humanize" means, in part, "getting a sweet correspondent's gig if the whole running thing doesn't work out come Olympic Trials time."

Amy Winehouse Will Make It To The Grammys--But Will She Sing?

Maura Johnston — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:40:58 EST

The latest on the Grammys, according to Entertainment Weekly: The Feb. 10 gala will go on, strike or no strike; while it's still unknown whether members of the Screen Actors Guild will participate, on Tuesday two other music unions, the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists and the American Federation of Musicians, said that their members should participate in the program. The resulting show will probably be low on the banter—and the 50th-anniversary pomp, unless Clive Davis goes off on an unscripted monologue about how he was involved in every one of the music biz's good old days—and high on the paparazzi/rubberneckers, because Amy Winehouse has apparently gotten rid of her visa problems, thus clearing her way to attend the event. But!

According to EW, it's unknown whether or not the six-times-nominated Winehouse will get up on stage at the event, and given that her recent track record at awards shows has been less than stellar in recent months this is probably going to be unclear until sometime around midnight on Feb. 9. I would actually lean against her performing, if only because I think she still needs to take baby steps toward actually being comfortable on stage before she gives singing in public another go. But I'm betting that the suits at CBS are lobbying for a Winehouse performance, what with the Britney trainwreck at the Video Music Awards leading to massive ratings for what was ultimately a resounding failure of a night.

Grammys expected to go on with Amy Winehouse in attendance — but what about Beyonce? [Hollywood Insider; HT DHMBIB]
[Photo: AP]

Can Seal Make Figure Skating Cool?

Maria T Sciarrino — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 15:30:38 EST

Ed. note: Last night, the Verizon Center in Washington, D.C., hosted "The Music Of Seal On Ice," which would bring together the songs of the deep-voiced, Heidi Klum-attached crooner and the ice-skating prowess of Brian Boitano, Todd Eldredge, and Kyoko Ina and John Zimmerman (who look like they're attacking Seal with Ina's skate above). And lucky for us, former Idolator guestblogger Maria Sciarrino happens to be an expert on both figure skating and pop music, so we bundled her up and sent her down to the nation's capital for a report on just what would happen when one tried to combine a Seal concert with a few jumps and spins on the ice.

Around 4 p.m. yesterday I was dealing with the fact that I was not going to see "The Music of Seal on Ice," a benefit for Autism Speaks that'll air on TV next month, down in D.C. Tickets appeared to have sold out and Craiglist's scalpers were asking upwards of $300. (This was "Seal on Ice," not the Arcade Fire at Randall's Island!) But then, the gods of figure skating (Bill Klingbeil, perhaps?) smiled upon me and within minutes I was in a car, hoping the notoriously awful D.C. traffic wouldn't thwart this opportunity to marry two of my hobbies: figure skating and music. The two have a strange relationship. Figure skating is a sport that originated with royalty, and is now commonly associated with well-to-do families; so it comes as no surprise when the sport carts out music deeply coded with privilege. It's probably the only place George Bizet's Carmen is continously touted as cool and inspiring, where "trends" are thirty years behind the curve.

Even though the phrase "Seal on Ice" sounds ridiculous (even moreso to me; I IMed Maura this phrase endlessly over the past two days, mostly in caps), last night's performance—featuring, among others, Olympic gold medalists Brian Boitano and Kristi Yamaguchi—combined skating's stodgy-yet-luminescent demeanor and an artist known for brooding, uneasy music with mostly successful results. First of all, it sounded good; the Verizon Center managed to avoid the tinny, canned sound design of most rinks. More importantly, the choreography avoided overloading skaters with jumps and other bombastic gestures (except for Michael Weiss, who must be overcompensating for something given his backflip-laden performance), opting for moves that matched the music's muted nature. Performers like Boitano and Todd Eldredge (swoon) were impressive, but Caryn Kadavy and Yuka Sato's programs achieved breathtaking symbiosis with the darker moments in Seal's songs. Their strong control over their speed and power really separated them from the pack. Also impressive was the smoky performance of Silvia Fontana and John Zimmerman, whom many might recall from an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. There were a few moments of somewhat blah choreography, but I have a feeling it worked well for the camera.

Which is important, because last night was taped for television (first broadcast goes to NBC, then to the Style Network). So there were small gaps for editing in commercials, recording extra audience applause, and retakes. (Yes, retakes. This explains why you never see skaters fall on televised programs; at the end of the performance, producers make any skaters who flubbed their program re-skate any segments that contained errors.) Taped programs are filmed on smaller rinks to make it seem like skaters are covering large expanses of ice quickly (even if they're moving a bit slower than usual) and to conserve their energy. But it's still pretty fun; a lot happens in these situations that never make it to the final cut, like crazed fans being held back by security when they try to climb on the ice to give Kristi Yamaguchi flowers, or a cheering/heckling section for Michael Weiss getting a little overzealous, or Seal performing extra takes of particular songs (and hamming it up even more).

Seal sang five songs ("Wedding Day," "Kiss From A Rose," "Crazy," "System," and "Don't Cry"); otherwise, the skaters performed to recorded tracks. And even though the show was all scripted and stuff, I was impressed with Seal's decision to handle vocal duties live. There were some backing tracks, but otherwise it was all him. The biggest, most hilarious, and unfortunately never-to-be-televised moment came during "Don't Cry," which featured Brian Boitano. When the music started up, Seal's microphone wasn't on, and he was completely unaware of the situation due to his in-ear monitors. Just like a scene plucked from South Park, Brian saved the day by going up to Seal and tapping him on the shoulder to let him know the mic was dead. And then that happened two more times, causing the Michael Weiss hecklers to scream "WHAT WOULD BRIAN BOITANO DO?!?!" I came this close to wetting my pants from laughing so hard. Confidential to the companies who produce skating events: I really hope you'll consider putting these bloopers on DVD, because they are too hilarious to leave on the cutting room floor.

As for those hecklers: typically I would try and find cameraphone so as to include them in "Hey Asshole!," but those crazy fans really kept the audience energy up when the scripted pauses threatened to break up the show's flow. Best line of the night to rise out of the crowd, right before the start of Yuka Sato's program: "You sparkle so well!" All of last night's other performers—who were up to the task of transforming the moodiness of Seal into something quite effortless—did, too.

[Photo: Carrie Devorah / WENN]

Ashlee Simpson Likes Rubik's Cubes, The Chick From Missing Persons, Getting Crazy

mjohnston — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 11:30:46 EST

I would like to take this opportunity to declare a moratorium on music videos that are about the paparazzi, or about being chased by the paparazzi, or about being driven crazy by the paparazzi, or about how hard it is out there for a famous person. Because this video—during which Ashlee is having visions of herself as a statue, and as a committed crazy person, and as a normal person wearing what looks like Doc Marten wedges (?!)—is almost not terrible, but it's pretty much ruined by the whole "maybe this is the crazy hallucinogen-fueled sequel to Brit Brit's 'Piece Of Me'" angle. Yes, we get it. Fame is hard. And no, I don't envy anyone who serves as fodder for the increasingly dumber and more sharklike gossip press. But big splashy promotional things that go on and on about this—while still saying "But please look at me right now and buy my album out next spring!!"—seem to be a bit disingenuous, no? Can 2008 be the year during which American culture goes on a metafame-colon-cleanse? Please?

Ashlee Simpson - Outta My Head (Music Video) [YouTube]

Janet Jackson's Penchant For Unfortunate Metaphors Has Us Reaching For The Midol

mjohnston — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 16:30:30 EST

So Janet Jackson's new single "Feedback" debuted on the radio today, and given that I spent a good chunk of last night listening to the excellent—and chock-full-of-Janet—Jimmy Jam/Terry Lewis four-disc box set, I was pretty psyched to hear it. But alas, this ~~Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins~~ maybe Darkchild, maybe Danjahandz-produced track is four minutes of robo-"sexiness" that once again muffles Janet's voice until she sounds just like any other processed ab-showing diva out there; it sounds like it was left off of Blackout, then subsequently rejected by Cassie. And perhaps with good reason, as any pretense of eroticism was bled dry by a lyric at the very end of the song's breakdown:

"My swagger's serious / I'm heavy like a first-day period."

No, really. I rewound the song three times to make sure. I mean... I don't know about you, female readers, but "heavy like a first-day period" doesn't really scream "sexy" to me. Or anything related to "swaggering," for God's sake. To me it means "hiding out while wearing sweatpants with lots of TiVoed Law & Order at the ready." Or "do I really have to get out of bed for the sole purpose of sitting in front of my computer for ten hours?" Or "pass the Advil." Or "please don't touch me because I might burst into tears at any moment." Although... you know, given the rough couple of years that she's had—the Super Bowl, the Dupri-ing, and the stinkeriffic 20 Y.O.—that last scenario may be the case. This song may be a cry for help!

Anyway, to help remind Janet that she has the potential to be awesome, and that she can be sexy without saying the word "sexy" 200 times in the space of four minutes, I present the below video. Also, Jimmy and Terry, if you are reading this, can't you help out your former protege in her time of need? She's obviously in a very bad way. Perhaps you can even get her together with Mya, and the two of them can pow-wow over unfortunate lady-related lyrical metaphors.

"Feedback" [z100.com]

The Ideal Indie Rock Woman: Pale, Malnourished, And With Really Bad Bangs

jharv — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 14:46:25 EST

Stereogum released the results of its reader-voted "2007 Gummy Awards" today, and once again the winners in "Ms. Indie Rock" prove that when it comes to wank-mining material, your average indie-rocking male is looking for (gasp!) a skinny white girl with a shaggy haircut. Emphasis on the "skinny." And did we mention the "white"? Aside from a few notable ~~tokens~~ exceptions, there are enough pointy elbows and too-sad-to-leave-the-house complexions here to fill up a year's worth of American Apparel advertisements. Way to reject mainstream standards of beauty, dudes! The guy hotties list also features many downy, bony gents, yet somehow offers a slightly wider range of body types than the chick list's parade of waifs. The full lists are after the jump, but first our thoughts on the least sexy year-end round-up of 2007.

THE GOOD: Not even going there.
THE BAD: Sure, you could pen a 10,000-word rant on how this list of female fantasy objects reflects indie rock's insular ideals even when it comes to sex, but we'll just say that sexism, stereotyping, and body image issues will no longer be a concern in indie culture when a lady who looks like Dan Deacon makes it into the Top 20.
THE WHAAAA? R&B queen Sharon Jones deserves to be on this list if anyone does, but aside from wrecking the curve in terms of both age and ethnicity, who in their right mind would class Ms. Jones as an "indie rock" hottie? (Also whoever voted for Natalie Portman needs their life changed with a boot in the ass.)

Chick Hotties
50 Elisa Ambrogio (Magik Markers)
49 Laura Burhenn (Georgie James)
48 Hesta Prynn (Northern State)
47 Jesca Hoop
46 Uffie
45 Jemina Pearl (Be Your Own Pet)
44 Scout Niblett
43 Mariqueen Maandig (West Indian Girl)
42 Natalie Portman
41 Grace Potter (Grace Potter and the Nocturnals)
40 Victoria Legrand (Beach House)
39 Victoria Bergsman (Taken By Trees)
38 Rosay (The Pipettes)
37 Amanda Palmer (The Dresden Dolls)
36 Ninja (The Go! Team)
35 Sharon Jones
34 Nicole Atkins
33 Robyn
32 Becky Stark (Lavender Diamond)
31 Laura Veirs
30 Amy Millan (Stars)
29 Kazu Makino (Blonde Redhead)
28 Gwenno (The Pipettes)
27 Shara Worden (My Brightest Diamond)
26 Amy Winehouse
25 Marissa Nadler
24 Beth Ditto (The Gossip)
23 Björk
22 Kathryn Calder (The New Pornographers/Immaculate Machines)
21 Meg White (The White Stripes)
20 Marnie Stern
19 Polly Jean Harvey (PJ Harvey)
18 Lovefoxxx (CSS)
17 Sara Quin (Tegan And Sara)
16 Kate Nash
15 Régine Chassagne (Arcade Fire)
14 Eleanor Friedberger (The Fiery Furnaces)
13 Karen O. (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)
12 Regina Spektor
11 Lily Allen
10 Joanna Newsom
09 Tegan Quin (Tegan And Sara)
08 Natasha Khan (Bat For Lashes)
07 Emily Haines (Metric/Broken Social Scene)
06 Neko Case
05 Chan Marshall (Cat Power)
04 Maya Arulpragasam (M.I.A.)
03 Annie Clark (St. Vincent)
02 Jenny Lewis (Rilo Kiley)
01 Leslie Feist (Feist)

Dude Hotties
50 Naeem Juwon (Spank Rock)
49 Eddie Argos (Art Brut)
48 Chris Bear (Grizzly Bear)
47 Carl Newman (The New Pornographers)
46 Rufus Wainwright
45 James Mercer (The Shins)
44 Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age)
43 Morrissey
42 Blake Sennett (Rilo Kiley)
41 Thurston Moore (Sonic Youth)
40 Jonny Greenwood (Radiohead)
39 Alex Turner (Arctic Monkeys)
38 Will Oldham
37 Kele Okereke (Bloc Party)
36 Caleb Followill (Kings Of Leon)
35 Brandon Flowers (The Killers)
34 Colin Meloy (The Decemberists)
33 Jeff Tweedy (Wilco)
32 Mark Ronson
31 Ed Droste (Grizzly Bear)
30 Devendra Banhart
29 Tim Harrington (Les Savy Fav)
28 Ted Leo
27 Ben Bridwell (Band Of Horses)
26 Paul Banks (Interpol)
25 Patrick Wolf
24 Owen Pallett (Final Fantasy)
23 Sam Beam (Iron & Wine)
22 Kanye West
21 Gregg Gillis (Girl Talk)
20 Will Sheff (Okkervil River)
19 Craig Finn (The Hold Steady)
18 Jack White (The White Stripes)
17 Bradford Cox (Deerhunter)
16 Dan Deacon
15 Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes)
14 Ryan Adams
13 Kevin Drew (Broken Social Scene)
12 Matt Berninger (The National)
11 James Murphy (LCD Soundsystem)
10 Win Butler (Arcade Fire)
09 Spencer Krug (Sunset Rubdown)
08 Andrew Bird
07 Noah Lennox (Animal Collective/Panda Bear)
06 Thom Yorke (Radiohead)
05 Sufjan Stevens
04 Britt Daniel (Spoon)
03 Zach Condon (Beirut)
02 Kevin Barnes (of Montreal)
01 Jens Lekman

Indie Rock Hotties Of 2007 [Stereogum]

Amy Winehouse: Not Even Trying Anymore

Kate Richardson — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 14:30:02 EST

In her continuing effort to disappoint as many people as possible, Amy Winehouse has put down the bottle and picked up Windows Media Maker. The video for her dull-as-dirt single "Love Is a Losing Game" is basically a glorified slide show that looks as if it's really a fan-made tribute video. And it's a mediocre one at that.

Here's how I think this video came to be: Amy Winehouse was supposed to show up for a day of shooting, but she couldn't be bothered to drag her hair out of bed, so the shoot was rescheduled for the following Wednesday. Though she had assured her manager that she'd definitely make it to that shoot, she suddenly had the urge to claw at her husband's neck and could not be disturbed long enough to make the video. Under pressure from the label to hand in a product, Winehouse's manager had no choice but to assemble the video himself. The result? A series of banal Amy Winehouse images dissolved into one another and—rookie tribute video mistake No. 1!—way, way too much slow motion. This video is basically the equivalent of eating ice cream for dinner in your pajamas; the Winehouse camp has now officially given up.

If you're curious as to how this song might look in other, not-so-official tribute videos, here's an example (embedding disabled, sorry) from the wide world of Lost fandom. Just about as boring, but with 100% more sepia!

The Best Short Form Music Video Grammy: Feist Plus Four Acts That Aren't Feist

jharv — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 14:30:19 EST

So when Maura dropped the Grammy bomb on y'all a little earlier, the full list had yet to become available thanks to the Grammy Web site choking, which means we missed out on the all-important music video nominees! We like to think the fact that the award probably won't even be handed out during the broadcast is a tribute to the fact that the videos themselves were barely aired outside of YouTube. (I hadn't even seen two of them until a few minutes ago.) Still, we wondered, have you seen these videos (if not, they're after the jump)? And more importantly, which do you think actually deserves the nod in this less-relevant-than-ever category for the always-relevant Grammys?

The Latest In Phony Sex Tapes: Production Values! Pete Wentz! That "Hell's Kitchen" Chick!

mjohnston — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 09:30:48 EST

The rumor that there was a sex tape featuring Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz must have thrilled that cougar-mom who was waiting in line at Sam Ash a few weeks ago, but sadly for her, it isn't real. Which is to say that the footage does really feature him, but he's in "character," acting alongside Bonnie Muirhead, a.k.a. Bonnie from Hell's Kitchen, in a scene from his pal's film Goodnight Moon. What does it say about my blase attitude toward these OMG SEX TAPES that my first thought upon reading about this wasn't "how stupid can people be to think that a sex tape with a soundtrack and multiple camera angles is real??", but "Aw, man, Julia was robbed"? Anyway, the offending scene is after the jump, so as not to get the few of you who are actually at work today fired.

Journal: Nov. 21, 2007 [falloutboyrock.com]
The Pete Wentz Sex Tape [YouTube]
[Photo: Getty Images]

Fake Fergie Sex Tape: Most Unappealing Fake Sex Tape Ever?

jharv — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 09:40:26 EST

So there's a Fergie sex tape. Purportedly. We're not gonna link it because it's A.) clearly not her and B.) we care about you and most importantly C.) it's something like No. 8 on Google Trends right now. But mainly because it's not really her. Apparently any leathery woman drinking Moet from the bottle in a fedora is easily mistaken for Fergie? Before we watched this—it begins on the toilet—we assumed a fake Fergie sex tape would be the most unerotical, non-Scott Stapp/Kid Rock sex tape featuring a musician possible. Fake or real. But now we're not so sure. Especially considering there are so many objectionable male musicians. So we polled the biggest celebrity sex tape obsessive we know to come up with this list.

And no, "this kind of trash is beneath us" is not an acceptable write-in response. You clicked it!

Teenage Girls (And Their Mothers) Line Up To Meet, Potentially Defile Pete Wentz

jharv — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 12:32:20 EST

An hour-long signing at a musical instrument shop on a chilly November evening will usually only attract hardcore music geeks. Unless you're Fall Out Boy bassist/petty eyelinered dictator Pete Wentz signing at a Manhattan Sam Ash store. In which case you attract a bananas number of hormonal high school girls and at least one self-professed cougar out to show ~~a guy who displays his junk on the Internet~~an emo bandleader how an older lady could change his life. Idolator videographer Alex Goldberg braved the deafening squeals of Wentz-related joy to find out just what it is about this doof that gets panties of all ages in a knot.

Amy Winehouse Apparently More Surprised To Be "Surprise Guest" At Awards Show Than Anyone Else

mjohnston — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 09:40:43 EDT

Judging by Amy Winehouse's performance of "Back To Black" at the European Music Awards last night, here's what American university students will miss out on when they watch the now Winehouse-free Woodie Awards later this month: A lot of off-key, slurred syllables that may be masking some forgotten words, some awkward dance steps, and a "breakdown" that sounds like someone stepped on a cat. This performance is really not going to make her drug appeal any easier, no?

Amy Winehouse - Back To Black [Live EMA Munich] [Daily Motion]

Britney Spears Completes Transformation Into "Lost Weekend"-Era David Lee Roth

mjohnston — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 14:45:54 EDT

On the right, David Lee Roth celebrates Halloween back in the pre-top-hat days. On the left, Britney Spears reaches down between her legs to ease the seat back while celebrating Halloween last night, just before she speeds off for her nightly "bottle of anything and a glazed donut... to go" run.

[Britney photo via WENN; Roth photo via BV]

Translating The TV Ad For Britney Spears' New Album

mjohnston — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 11:35:57 EDT

I caught this ad for Britney Spears' Blackout yesterday on TRL, where it's presumably airing because "Gimme More"'s off-the-chart status has resulted in only a seven-second clip of its chorus being played on the show, as opposed to a thirty-second clip that includes a verse. The ad is not only notable for the way it recuts the "Gimme More" video into something even more incoherent, but because buried within its 30 seconds are a bunch of statements that could be seen as coded messages from Britney's label, Jive, to the album's intended audience:

"The legendary Miss Britney Spears"
We're guessing that you don't remember that this phrase is actually part of "Gimme More," since the ungrateful shits at MTV don't play the video in full at any hour that isn't ungodly. And we've given them so much over the years!

"The hit single 'Gimme More'"
It may be skidding down the charts, but it's still sorta gaining at radio, y'all! (Actually, we're surprised that they didn't mention that "More" was Britney's highest-charting single in years, but maybe they saw that as too desperate.)

"The new songs everybody's talking about"
Yes, we read Oh No They Didn't.

"Today's biggest star"
And TMZ, too. And Perez Hilton. And ... well, let's just say that you really don't want to read our Google News alerts. Because they make us cry every day.

"Rush-released"
We're pretty much expecting this record to tank, but our bean-counters decided that coming in on the charts behind the Eagles would be a lot less embarrassing than losing out to Celine Dion. (At least Blackout will sell more than that Backstreet Boys album ... right? Right?)

"The new album the world has been waiting for"
If we say it enough times, it'll be true! And maybe then her success will inspire her to finally hire a driver.

Britney Spears Blackout Spot [YouTube]

Is This The Cover To The New Britney Spears Album? (Please Say No, Please Say No)

jharv — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 13:30:00 EDT

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Sadly yes, it probably is, having been officially confirmed by People.

But how many fake Blackout covers are floating around on the Internet? About a billion at last count, and even with the People confirmation, you'd be forgiven for assuming that this is just another fake. Could this this orange and yellow and fuzzy pink grotesquery actually have been OK'd by Zomba? Let's take a closer look:

NO WAY THIS IS IT:

1.) It apparently uses a photo that's been lying around for months. (Dead giveaway?)
2.) Any art director who approved this many competing Photoshop filters would be busted down to mail clerk and not allowed near a pack of Crayolas.

YES WAY, THIS IS IT:

1.) The "proof" offered at Oh No They Didn't: a series of screenshots taken from Sony/BMG's press website, using this very cover to advertise the album's new 10/30 release date. (Either that, or they're insanely detailed fake screenshots by someone with way, way, way too much time on their hands. Which would be the only thing scarier than this cover.)
2.) It is hurlworthy and weirdly hypnotizing and yet really no uglier than any other Britney Spears album cover.

Frankly I'm still torn, but I wouldn't be surprised to see this staring at me from the racks at Best Buy in three weeks.

Britney's Exclusive Cover Art Revealed [People]

Madonna's New Deal Inspires Lots Of Bad "Borderline"-Related Puns

mjohnston — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 14:45:06 EDT

The long-rumored agreement between Madonna and concert-promotion monster Live Nation is about to come to fruition, with a $120 million deal between the two—and Madonna's departure from her current label, Warner Music Group—all but certain. The Wall Street Journal reports that the deal is for 10 years, and it'll encompass three studio albums, tours, merch, and licensing; Madonna still has to release one album and a greatest-hits package through WMG, which will also continue to own all of her recordings for the past 20 years. So is this deal yet another nail in the coffin of major labels? Maybe, although it looks more like a frostily amicable divorce between Madonna and WMG than anything else.

And that's because Madonna currently makes a freaking mint from touring, while her album sales have comparatively languished. Last year's Confessions On A Dance Floor has sold 1.6 million copies in the US, while the soy latte-praising American Life hasn't even broken the million-sold mark; in comparison, she made roughly $195 million from hitting the road last year alone, according to Billboard. True, whether she'll remain a draw for the next 10 years is something of a gamble for Live Nation—especially as she gets older and relies more on her backup dancers for the high-wire sexing—but I'm thinking Warner Music Group's decision to say "see ya" and give up the rights to distribute her forthcoming records was probably a smart one, especially if that crummy Pharrell collaboration is anything to go by. They'll still control the rights to/make whatever money can still be made from selling records off her biggest hits—including The Immaculate Collection and whatever best-of package gets dreamed up as a getting-out-of-her-contract scheme—and Live Nation will be able to (biz-speak alert!) vertically integrate its venues with one of said venues' biggest draws. Everybody wins! Except probably people who want to see her in concert, since they'll likely have to sell an egg or two in order to finance the cost of a nosebleed seat.

Madonna Heads for Virgin Territory [WSJ]
BofA: The Madonna Deal Explained in 72 Words [Silicon Alley Insider]

VH1's "Rock Of Love 2" Lothario: Guess Freakin' Who It Is

mjohnston — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 14:30:41 EDT

Yes, Bret Michaels will be coming back for a second season of ladies fighting for his love, or at least 15 minutes worth of his undivided attention from time to time. And here we all thought it would be Tommy Lee. Guess that the idea of true romance goes out the window when your tour grosses suck, eh?

Yep, It's Bret! [VH1 Blog]
Earlier: Another Musician Prepares To Shed Clothing, Decency For VH1

Britney Spears' "Gimme More," The Video: In Which Our Heroine Takes To The Pole

mjohnston — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 08:02:19 EDT

Surprise: The video for Britney Spears' "Gimme More" has wormed its way into the world three days before its MTV premiere. And it's about as well-crafted as anything you would expect from Spears at this point in time:

Blonde Britney is at a bar with two other blonde friends (NB: the line "It's Britney, bitch" is not lipsynced, for some reason), and she notices a dancer—a gum-chewing (!) Brunette Britney—sitting in the corner. Brunette Britney then struts over to the pole conveniently located in the middle of the room and starts lipsyncing "Gimme More" in a fashion that's slightly more alive than her performance on the VMAs a few weeks back (although the twitchy jump cuts, spaced-out lighting, and super-heavy eyeliner certainly help her "performance," as it were). As the song continues, the following things happen: Brunette Britney takes off the half-jacket she is wearing for a few frames, so it looks like she's topless; Blonde Britney laughs with her friends and attempts to send a come-hither look or two over to the dance floor; a few other dancers join her; we get to see that Brunette Britney is wearing ripped fishnets and open-toed patent-leather heels; there are a few shots that can only be described as "ass shots"; and there is a guy who looks like a morphed-together Leonardo DiCaprio and K-Fed somewhere in the bar, or at least nearby enough to get on camera. The dance ends, there's another shot of Blonde Britney and pals, and then the clip ends.

Surely some smarter-than-thou critic out there is going to say that this is all part of Spears' big metacommentary on fame that has been evolving over the year, and that we're supposed to say "Gimme More" at the clip's close, so she can bust out a trilogy of her own. But I'll believe that when I see anything else from her that resembles an actual effort—I've watched this clip four times now, and more and more it just looks like cutting-room-floor footage stitched together at the last minute in order to keep a flailing pop star's career alive for reasons that are at least slightly music-related. It's sad—though perhaps inevitable—and even watching "Toxic" again only makes it more so.

Britney Spears - Gimme More [Brightcove]

Britney's New Song: Unsurprisingly, She's Not A Fan Of The Modern-Day Media

mjohnston — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 10:33:13 EDT

Well, now that Britney Spears' "Gimme More" has hit No. 1 on the iTunes chart, another track from her allegedly forthcoming album has leaked, and it's hard to determine what's more maddening-inducing about "Piece Of Me":

Is it the fact that the rip of it currently making its way around the Internet sounds like it was recorded to reel-to-reel from a 2001 Powerbook's internal speaker, complete with "turning the volume up" sounds and fanboy chattering over the track? Or is it the lyrics, which are basically a long-ass complaint about the media (complete with awkward rhyme about the Philippines) capped by a completely unconvincing challenge to take "a piece of me." (Britney-me, that is, not me-me.) I'm still trying to figure it out (also, the low fidelity makes me feel like I'm trapped in a self-pitying game of Pong), but I do know one thing: The sub-"Get In The Ring"-ness of it all is making me wonder if we're seeing the birth of this generation's Axl Rose, complete with unfortunate attempts at masquerading baldness.

Britney Spears [New Song] [whatz-new]

Beyonce Will Not Give Up Her Right To Wear Miniskirts

mjohnston — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 13:31:46 EDT

Beyonce has canceled her scheduled Nov. 1 show in Kuala Lumpur after Muslim groups in Malaysia objected to her performance; according to reports, she also refused to abide by the country's dress code for women that are onstage, which dictates that female performers "must show no skin from the tops of their chests to their knees."

Said sartorial restrictions—which also threw a wrench into plans for Gwen Stefani's Malaysia concert last month, although she decided at the last minute to put on some tights under her revealing outfits—were enacted in 2005 as part of a suite of rules for performers that also include "no hugging or kissing audience members or fellow artists, no jumping or shouting, no throwing objects onstage or at the audience and no foul language." Yes, that's right: A woman wearing, say, a scoop-neck top while singing is just as threatening to polite society as people throwing bottles around a full auditorium.

Beyonce's Malaysian Debut Axed [Billboard]

Michael Jackson Still Loves Animals, Throwing His Hand In The Air

mjohnston — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 08:53:52 EDT

The Leak Source has pictures of Michael Jackson's Bruce Weber shoot for L'Uomo Vogue, which is in honor of (gulp) the 25th anniversary of Thriller. Jackson—who looks kind of OK, all things considered—has a new designer of choice in Roberto Cavalli, and the clothier seems to have dispensed with the boarding-school buckles that Jackson's favored over the years ... in favor of sequins:

Michael Jackson Goes Vogue And It Doesn't Involve Madonna [The Leak Source]

"Meg White Sex Tape" Actually Product Of Internet Guy's Feverish "Wank Mining"

mjohnston — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 14:05:14 EDT

When I first mentioned the sudden popularity of the search term "meg white sex tape" to a friend of mine Sunday night, we had the following exchange:

maura@idolator: so do you think the meg white sex tape is legit
unidentified_lurker: oh my god where did you see that?
unidentified_lurker: i mean i've seen it
maura@idolator: it was on google trends
unidentified_lurker: i'm saying who is purporting it's legit
unidentified_lurker: it's a message board joke
unidentified_lurker: i was thinking about forwarding it to you
unidentified_lurker: as a funny joke
unidentified_lurker: it's great to have a video on the internet for indie rock people to jerk off and pretend it's meg white tho

And we all know how that turned out. Anyway, The Daily Swarm plumbed the archives of the message board Hipinion and found where the clip was born—the mind of a poster named Itsmecraig:

On Monday, September 17, at 6:17 AM, a long-time member of the Hipinion forum community started a thread entitled MEG WHITE SEX TAPE with a simple link to a homemade porn video featuring a female sex partner who bore more than a passing resemblance to a certain rock and roll drummer. A brief 8-hour, 40-post debate ensued over the authenticity of its subject - with many of the same jokes that were soon to be made all over the world - before the thread slipped into the archives.

Until yesterday. You know what happened next.

What did "Itsmecraig" have to say about it after the story broke wide open? Here it is straight from the horse's mouth:

oh shit dudes,

i found this video through random wank mining efforts and put it up here cause i figured you guys would have a laugh. it had nothing to do with meg white when i found it.

And look what happened. People, this is what happens when you believe what you read on the Internet—unless, of course, it's from friends who you are drunkenly instant-messaging with late at night and who are on their shit, as my lurky, unidentified friend who gave me a scoop that I am kicking myself for not following up on is.

(Also, I seriously should have Googled the filename of the clip as a way to figure out just where the hell it came from. Let this be a lesson to us all.)

Back to the source: 'Itsmecraig' started the Meg White sex tape scandal [The Daily Swarm]

Typical Girls Are Looking For Something To Listen To

mjohnston — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 16:45:42 EDT

It's probably unsurprising that the topic of gender in popular music is something that's an obsession of mine, which is why I was thrilled to read Katie Hasty's terrific piece in Billboard on the lack of women in the music industry, and how that demographic makeup affects the gender makeup of music that gets signed, marketed, and sold to people. The piece is smart, and it doesn't pretend to have any answers—her wrestling with the idea of the celebration of "women in rock" and how that can turn into ghettoization of the same is something that I personally struggle with every day, and yes, I am seeing the irony of posting about this today, given where most of our traffic has come from in the past few hours—but there were a few statistics about the state of radio that actually made me raise an eyebrow:

Radio is another key arena worth a look. Adult Contemporary, Adult Top 40 and Top 40 formats are generally considered to be angled toward women. In the Sept. 22 issue of Billboard, six of the top 25 slots on the Adult Top 40 chart are occupied by women; 11 of the top 50 on Hot 100 Airplay; and 9 of the top 25 on Adult Contemporary. Keep in mind, there's a lot of crossover on these charts. But take a gander at rock airplay, which is typically centered on a more male demo. Four of the 25 slots on the Modern Rock tally have ladies in them (only one with a leading lady: Flyleaf), and out of the 40 on Mainstream Rock, you're only talking three (Flyleaf, Smashing Pumpkins and the White Stripes).

Obviously, these aren't scientific indicators, but these numbers raise some interesting questions. Do male critics and radio audiences skew toward music that is typically crafted by males? Do females listen based on gender? Do acts with females in them need to work harder to be heard? Does it matter if the musical act is lead by a female singer or not?

It's funny that Hasty brought these questions up, because they're certainly ones that I think about a lot; in putting together my top albums of the year list for 2007, I've realized that the four albums that are definitely among my favorites^* all have a strong female presence, if not complete domination by women as far as vocals, at the very least. (A perhaps-related anecdote: During my first set on my college radio station, I got chewed out for having a four-song set that had three women-fronted acts; the critique a) wasn't because all the bands were indiepop and b) wouldn't have stood had the ratio been reversed at all.) But is that because of who the artists are, or the quality of the music? I'd argue that the quality of the music comes first, but I do know that I've had a long-standing affinity toward listening to bands that have women in them, whether it's because I can sing along with them more easily (well, most of the time) or because of a deeper impulse.

On the flip side, though, I had a long-standing problem with Lilith Fair (and its heiress, the now-canceled Girlfrenzy festival) because their idea of "women in music" seemed to focus solely on frontwomen in music, thus ignoring all of the contributions by the few women out there who were instrumentalists (and yes, even the cliched '90s "chick bass player" counted on that front), and that was a little too tied up in the ideal of the male gaze (looking at the woman because she was a woman, even if she was backed up by a band that was 100% made up of men) for me to be too comfortable with it. And I think that it's complicating factors like these—what makes an artist a "woman in rock," is there really a biological impulse that makes women and men gravitate toward different musics, does this mean that the phrase "tampon rock" will never really go away—that make Hasty's final question, "Will the industry ever employ and promote enough females to eradicate the Women In Music issue," one that will probably not be answered to anyone's satisfaction (especially my own!) for a while.

(What Does It Matter If) She's A Lady [Billboard]
The Slits - Typical Girls [YouTube]

^* Tracey Thorn, PJ Harvey (apparently Pitchfork's Joshua Klein misplaced his ears recently), Siobhan Donaghy, Monarch. Subject to change, of course! But I figured full disclosure was important.

Meg White's So-Called Sex Tape Gives Hacky Bloggers Yet Another Reason To Use The Phrase "Icky Thump"

mjohnston — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 11:30:18 EDT

Since today seems to be a slow enough news day that people will believe almost anything, let's turn to the case of the alleged "Meg White sex tape," which has been burning up Google since news of it first surfaced over the weekend. I watched it and am pretty unconvinced of its veracity—the necklace she's wearing is of the letter "D," the images are worse-than-webcam blurry, the whole thing seems to be set in a dorm room—but then again, my vision kind of sucks. (UPDATE: Meg's publicist is saying that it definitely isn't her in the tape.) So I turned to an ad hoc panel of semi-experts—a.k.a. "writers who are on IM right now"—and got their take (anyone who used the old "well that girl had rhythm so it had to be fake" chestnut was summarily deleted from my buddy list):

Moe Tkacik, Jezebel:
"I definitely think that Meg White is stupid enough to film herself having sex. I did not expect her to have the stomach rolls, because she seemed to be doing the celebrity shrinkage thing, but when was this allegedly shot? It's kind of disappointing as a piece of filmography but not bad as porn goes."

Christopher Weingarten, Paper Thin Walls editor:
"No one thinks it's real. Indie rock people aren't fucking stupid. (Ed. note: I doubt that VERY HIGHLY.) This is the indie-rock equivalent of having a Saudi prince ask you to hold his money for him, except you can jerk off to it. Also, only really famous people are stupid enough to tape themselves having sex."

Matthew Perpetua, blogger and White Stripes fan:
"I really really doubt it. I mean, she's got a recognizable face, but you know, there's a lot of stacked girls with dark hair and a pale complexion out there making sex tapes. Maybe she's trying to make Jack White angry, and this is her way of doing it?"

Maria Tessa Sciarrino, blogger and photographer:
""If I didn't know Logan Echolls was living in a swank hotel, I would have wagered this was a deleted scene from the "President Evil" episode of Veronica Mars."

Jess Harvell, my other half:
"Zzzzzz."

Meanwhile, the comments sections of Brooklyn Vegan and Stereogum are half-rubberneckers, half-morally outraged types who probably watched the damn thing anyway. And if you're unemployed/"freelancing," feel free to watch the whole thing (link to ONTD, which links to a NSFW page) and vote in our poll:

Meg White's Sex Tape? [ONTD]

Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Conquest's Band Just As Lousy As You Might Expect

mjohnston — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 10:30:05 EDT

From the "That's Life In The Inferno Of Postmodernity" files: One of the most popular bands on Google Trends right now is the Atlanta duo Dead Stays Alive, one-half of which "befriended" Lindsay Lohan while the two were in rehab. (Rumors that the two hooked up have been zinging around the gossipsphere; Lohan's rep is, of course, calling those tales "mean.") Tony Allen, the Dead Stays Alive member in question, has even been referred to as "famous" more than once, which I'm going to chalk up to people confusing him with the Tony Allen who played with Fela Kuti and The Good, The Bad, And The Queen, and not the fact that he was spilling his guts about Lindsay on Extra the other night.

There are two reasons for this. First off, any band that has to put out a press release letting people know that one of its members is, in fact, recovering with Lindsay Lohan is probably doing so out of desperation to actually get noticed, or at least pop up in Google News searches about the troubled starlet. (Not that the Aug. 25 release has helped all that much; so far, the band's MySpace profile has only been viewed about 6,300 times.)

Second, the band is—and this may not surprise you much!—absolutely wretched. Imagine a world in which the evolution of music stopped after Orgy dropped its cover of "Blue Monday," but somehow allowed Hinder to exist in some weird space-time warp, and you might get a vague idea of the craptasticness that is Dead Stays Alive. (They should not be confused with these guys in any way.) Listening to their blend of middle-of-the-road rock, lazy electro beats, and yarling made me reflect on the skilled musicianship and catchy songs that are sprinkled throughout Nickelback's catalog.

Either way, this whole kerfuffle will probably get the guys some sort of record deal, perhaps even with the long-dormant Casablanca Records. After all, the music business is, as an old boss of mine would never hesitate to tell me, "all about relationships," and what sort of relationship could be stronger than two people becoming friends in rehab, and one of them subsequently whoring that friendship out to the press for cheap publicity purposes?

Dead Stays Alive [MySpace]

Diddy's Ideal Lady Smell: You Pick The Odor

jharv — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 11:00:45 EDT

As I was walking around last night, smellin' stuff, something about Diddy's assertion that, as a man, he "knows how a woman should smell" started to bother me. It wasn't Diddy's offhand, predictable sexism. It was the feeling that he had a very specific odor in mind—not just a manufactured scent, but something primal. But what? It nagged at me all night. And, well, you know there's only one way to figure this out:

Earlier: A True Gentleman

Sting May Still Be Interested In Putting On The Red Light Now And Then

mjohnston — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 16:59:42 EDT

The Daily Mail has an almost-cameraphone-quality shot of Sting leaving a brothel in Germany following a show by the Police in Hamburg. The brothel, Relax, advertises itself as a strip club, and according to the German paper where this indiscretion was first reported, ""What he did inside is unclear. At the bar each night sit up to 40 ladies, fulfilling the wishes of the guests." But that doesn't mean that everyone can't speculate, now, does it? Anyway, regardless of whether or not Sting got stung at the club, you've gotta feel sort of bad for the working girls who call Relax their home—after all, now that the Police man has been there, some sort of crisis/doomsday can't be far behind.

Sting caught on camera outside one of Germany's top brothels [The Daily Mail]

Idolator Live-Blogs The 2007 Video Music Awards

mjohnston — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 19:56:52 EDT

Welcome to Idolator's liveblog of the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards, an event that we're expecting to be marked by chaotically unrehearsed performances, awkward Britney Spears comeback attempts, and a lot of really bad sound. I'm here on my couch with Jess, Kate, and a few interested outside observers; we're about five minutes out from the preshow, which will no doubt feature a lot of drooling mentions of how much money MTV is diverting from its payroll to this weekend. Also: drinking. Perhaps my expectations for the evening were best summed up by the always-eloquent Tony Yayo during 50 Cent's performance that almost ended with Curtis drowning: "This sh— looks like the stage 'bout to be in the water." (Bleeping MTV's, of course.)

Not that we really know what "in the water" is going to entail in the middle of the desert, but either way, our full coverage is after the jump.

7:56 p.m. The Hills is on. What a way to get people excited about your premier music-related event of the season!

7:57 p.m. Oh my God, how do people care about this? This makes Valley Girl sound like Shakespeare.

8:00 p.m. Paparazzi! Exposed backs! Her name is Nicole! And they brought John Norris out of mothballs!

8:01 p.m. T.I. can even make aviator shades look great.

8:02 p.m. This is already a trainwreck. There's a split screen. I'm overstimulated and I'm two minutes in. Too old for this?

8:04 p.m. I feel like I'm watching a practical exam by a bunch of journalism students who have had too much Adderall before they went onstage.

8:05 p.m. Kate is in the Virual VMAs, and everyone except her is levitating.

8:06 p.m. Jess on John Norris' outfit: "He's like Transformers-era Lou Reed meets Gerard Way." Joe (outside observer No. 1): "Or old, sad Harry Potter."

8:08 p.m. You know, on a weekend where the employment rate went down and Osama Bin Laden put out a new tape and the polar bears are about to go extinct, nothing captures the zeitgeist better than a bunch of ads featuring people bragging about spending $40,000 on a hotel room. Can someone please remind me why they hate us again?

8:11 p.m. Lil' Mama is wearing a Bo Peep hoodie.

8:12 p.m. No wait. She is dressed as a baby. Chris Hansen, where are you now?

8:12 p.m. Jess: "Chris Brown's been hitting that Weight Gainer 5000 pretty hard, hasn't he?"

8:13 p.m. There are a lot of beautiful ladies in the room tonight, but none is more beautiful than ... Carson Daly?

8:14 p.m. Alicia Keys fancies herself a little bit Beatles, a little bit Janis Joplin, a little bit Police. But where's the Dream Of The Blue Turtles influence?

8:15 p.m. Nelly Furtado's "blonde": It's a little more "orange." Also, the dye apparently stayed on her head long enough to seep into her brain. Or maybe it's the rum.

8:15 p.m. Maggie (outside observer No. 2) on Nelly F: "She looks like she's turning into Jerri Blank."

8:16 p.m. Just in case anyone was wondering, I am wearing Isaac Mizrahi. For Target. And a name necklace that I was given as a birthday present in seventh grade. (And no shoes, because it's a blog.)

8:18 p.m. This whole Britney's-name-in-stripper-lights thing is probably the pinnacle of her career at this point, eh?

8:20 p.m. You know, not for nothing, but for all of MTV's alleged "interactivity" this time out, wouldn't they be streaming the actual broadcast? Or is information-free information like "Lauren from The Hills just arrived with Lo and Audrina. But where is Whitney?" really just the way to get people interested?

8:23 p.m. Is that Andrew Dice Clay???

8:24 p.m. Overheard: "Wait, that's Common, that's not Perez Hilton."

8:25 p.m. Jennifer Garner has transformed into Kelly LeBrock.

8:25 p.m. "Who is the ideal audience for this?" "Rubbernecking bloggers."

8:26 p.m. Oh my God, the Boys Like Girls guy that everyone e-made out with is wearing the Skid Row shirt that I wore to school in 1990.

8:27 p.m. "It's been a great year for you guys ... hope you enjoyed it, because you won't ever see it again. You'll want to keep all that shit in the swag bag, because you'll need to sell it for money next year."

8:30 p.m. 50 Cent is actually smiling! And of course, he's excited to hear ... himself.

8:31 p.m. Chevy presents the pre-show performance! In 30 seconds! Lil' Wayne and Nicole Scherzinger! Anyone want to bet that Mary J. singing for Chevy will be a lot more enjoyable?

8:33 p.m. So we're going to see a Nicole Scherzinger-led remake of Flashdance sometime next year, then.

8:34 p.m. I don't even remember what the name of this song is, but I do know that it's a weak attempt to recapture the magic of "Ring The Alarm," but a lot less sexy. Also, the booties? Not hot. Lil' Wayne is really way better than this, Twitter boringness be damned.

8:35 p.m. Joe: "I hope this is the first of 15 Lil' Wayne run-ins all night." Jess: "Did he borrow Hell Rell's teeth?" Maggie: "I know it doesn't matter, but she's not even that good of a dancer."

8:36 p.m. Joe: "I hope at some point tonight, John Norris becomes unstuck in time and says, 'That was an amazing performance from Bell Biv Devoe!' "

8:39 p.m. Why is there an anti-aging cream ad on this broadcast? Did the target demo shift while I was thinking about when I'd go to the bathroom?

8:41 p.m. Paris Hilton has transformed into Lovey from Gilligan's Island.

8:41 p.m. Jess: "What kind of world have we woken up in where Ludacris is the classiest guy int he room?"

8:42 p.m. I have flipped Jess off for the tenth time this evening.

8:43 p.m. All of the shaved-into-the-head designs tonight have inspired Jess to grow out his hair and shave IDOLATOR.COM into the back of his head. Rick Rubin: Call your viral-marketing department's office!

8:45 p.m. The split-screen on this is ridiculous. Also, The Kingdom has been on the shelf for about two years. It smells like a stinker.

8:47 p.m. Hey, look, it's an ad forThe Kingdom! What a coincidence!

8:49 p.m. The wittily named "Jackpot or Jack-Not" feature! And now ... oh God, Paris Hilton. Who is shooting a "film." And who has the same haircut as John Norris.

8:50 p.m. How is a leopard-print dress "unique"? Does Sway not visit the West Side Highway often?

8:51 p.m. Sway just told Paris Hilton to enjoy her freedom. Why do they hate us, II?

8:51 p.m. The Sam's Town makeover that Panic! At The Disco undergoes continues. Where are the top hats???

8:52 p.m. Look! Kenna is finally getting MTV airtime! Unfortunately, he is in the Patrick Stump "don't speak" seat.

8:53 p.m. The ad just used the phrase "VMA widget." This is so One-And-A-Halfth Life.

8:55 p.m. There is not enough prosecco in the world to make this better, and the show hasn't started yet. But as Jess pointed out, the fact that there are five minutes to showtime means that there's still time for a comet to crash into New York City!

8:57 p.m. The Foo Fighters have saved the show for the over-30 demographic by planning on covering the Dead Kennedys and "Darling Nikki." Thanks for giving one over to the old folks, MTV!

8:59 p.m. One minute to showtime! Oh my God you guys!

9:00 p.m. Britney has cleaned up her ad, and the blogs are a-buzzin', and that was so not the Idolator shoutout I was waiting for.

9:00 p.m. Oh she can't even lip-sync right. And her hair. And she's wearing a sequined bikini. And she looks like, to quote Kate, "a stripper in east Texas or something."

9:00 p.m. She looks so fucking bored. And like she's half-dancing.

9:01 p.m. Jess: "I appreciate the 'Cold Hearted' motif they have going on here."

9:01 p.m. God, they should really just keep this a long shot for the rest of this. She looks completely out of it. This is so sad.

9:01 p.m. Even Diddy looks bored.

9:02 p.m. Long shots, MTV.

9:02 p.m. 50 Cent: "I didn't go on first for this?"

9:03 p.m. OK, when Rihanna is laughing at you, you know ... oh, Britney. Everyone is totally applauding awkwardly, not sure of what to do. Oh, honey.

9:04 p.m. Sarah Silverman is bombing too! Oh my God this whole night is going to be me laughing at people not laughing!

9:05 p.m. Someone just heckled Sarah Silverman: "You're ugly!"

9:06 p.m. Maggie: "She seems off, too. Maybe there's carbon monoxide in the room?"

9:06 p.m. SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB THAT IS THIS SHOW. Sarah Silverman just made a diarrhea joke. Oh my God.

9:08 p.m. And now there's a ska band playing!

9:09 p.m. Alicia Keys apparently thought that she was supposed to be at the Ms. Universe competition tonight.

9:10 p.m. Now it's time to cut to 10 seconds of people actually playing music!

9:11 p.m. Pete Wentz's mic was off when he was talking about his party. How many people are losing their jobs tomorrow, for real?

9:12 p.m. Hey, an award presented by two people who can't read off the teleprompter because they're drunk! And your Monster Single Of The Year is ...

9:13 p.m. "Umbrella." Which beat out a slate that apparently consisted of MTV's entire playlist from the year 2007.

9:14 p.m. This Kanye West performance looks like an episode of Club MTV where the lighting tech quit right before the show started.

9:16 p.m. On the bright side, this show is going to inspire about 80 Idolator posts this week that will bemoan, in no particular order, the state of the industry, the out-of-touchness of MTV, and the utterly fucked state that music is in right now if it thinks that this utterly self-congratulatory, ill-thought-out show will inspire anyone beyond the sniping trainwreck-watchers who love to pile on shit like this to actually care about it. So—thanks, guys! (I think.)

9:20 p.m. Maggie: "Britney wants a do-over." Jess: "I can just see her apologizing in that drunk voice backstage. 'Did I do OK? Did I do OK?' "

9:21 p.m. Hey, look, it's Aziz from Human Giant! He's probably there to make a Peter Bjorn & John joke.

9:23 p.m. Half the room is now whistling "Young Folks."

9:24 p.m. Bono gets "quadruple threat" credit for guest editing Vanity Fair. I give up. And Kanye West is a "social activist" because of his Bush comment.

9:24 p.m. Justin Timberlake just asked MTV to play more videos. Because he is rolling.

9:25 p.m. Wait and now it's Fall Out Boy! With these really awkward camera angles and maybe half the song and I guess you actually have to go to the Internet to see the whole thing. Because God forbid this whole thing be about music, right?

9:26 p.m. Lil' Wayne and Fall Out Boy are coming up, even though Fall Out Boy just trashed their set. This is what happens when you don't rehearse, right?

9:27 p.m. We are 25% of the way through, and I already want to ... I don't even know. Drink more, I guess.

9:32 p.m. The Foo Fighters' cellist: I don't even think it could count as the "vestigial tail" of the evening, because that's probably better suited to referring to music being on MTV.

9:32 p.m. Five people just asked me when Pat Smear rejoined the Foo Fighters.

9:33 p.m. The Rolling Stone cover re-enacted! Mutely.

9:34 p.m. The most earth-shattering collaboration of the year is ... a song that sounds like a ringtone. That, ladies and gentlemen, is where we are in the music industry in 2007. Bring on the ringles!

9:36 p.m. Jess on Adam Levine: "Is that Dave Gahan?"

9:37 p.m. I'm gonna say, though, that I really like "Wake Up Call."

9:38 p.m. Also: Someone needs to bring me some more prosecco as soon as possible.

9:38 p.m. Also: Are all the non-music celebrities on this show Neutrogena spokesladies?

9:40 p.m. This whole show, including the ads, is like an S.O.S. scrawl into a beach on a deserted island: "WORLD OUT OF IDEAS. PLEASE SEND HELP."

9:41 p.m. T.I.! Can we just watch T.I. until 11 p.m.? Please?

9:43 p.m. Chris Brown gets his own showcase! Between this and the Grammy performance, he's really greasing some well-placed palms. At least he's bringing some Charlie Chaplin-meets-'N Sync panache to it, but really, why do people want this dude to be a star so badly?

9:45 p.m. OK so not to take away from Chris Brown, but ... what exactly did Criss Angel supply to the Britney performance? Did he make her charisma magically disappear?

9:46 p.m. Chris Brown is playing Frogger on the tables. And now, Rihanna is joining Patrick Stump in the pantheon of "people who are actually singing their songs" this evening. Also? "Umbrella" is still undeniable, even after four months. An eternity in pop time, sure, but I even like the "Cinderella" remix that this is going to segue into in like a second.

9:48 p.m. OH PLEASE BRING OUT MICHAEL JACKSON. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.

9:49 p.m. Look, I know that the attention span of America has been destroyed by a consistent diet of blipverts and ads and Internet but can we just hear one song in full? Also, not for nothing but Michael Jackson would have been a bigger surprise than Rihanna, who was like NOMINATED and who was ON THE RED CARPET and who ... oh God forget it, why am I bothering even ranting like this when they aren't paying me.

9:50 p.m. Maggie: "Has MTV done a Jem movie yet?"

9:50 p.m. Jess' mom chimes in: "I just got off the phone with my boyfriend, I thought he could possibly help [come up with something funny to say]. But, there is nothing that can help us here."

9:52 p.m. If this terrible cover of "Dream On" somehow becomes a hit I quit. To the point where I give up my ears.

9:53 p.m. So as all our commenters are pointing out, the suite performances are all happening while it's dark outside, even though it's only 6:53 p.m. in Vegas. So when were they all taped? And why is this such a shitshow if these were all pre-recorded?

9:55 p.m. Wow, MTV just does not give a shit about this show at all, does it?

9:56 p.m. Now Timbaland has run down from "his suite" to accept Justin Timberlake's award.

9:58 p.m. Justin: "I think music is in a great place right now." Yeah, maybe because you're making money off of it. "We don't wanna see The Simpsons on reality television." Wait, do you mean the Ashlee and Jessica Simpsons? Because I mean Pete Wentz is going to kick your ass if that's the case.

9:59 p.m. Cee-Lo and the Foo Fighters are performing. I really hope that the next hour of this isn't me just typing "Good Christ, what the mother of fuck is going on?" over and over again, but ... oh my God the Tila Tequila show is being advertised now. You guys. Uncle? Seriously? Help?

10:01 p.m. You are all watching a woman get broken down, readers. It's systematic and it may result in me actually craving a Fourth Meal.

10:04 p.m. And in the spirit of tonight's completely uninspired show, here's the lamest cash-in song of the year, "Ayo Technology." Anyone want to give me a copy of MacMame so I can play Punch-Out?

10:05 p.m. The whole room has been rendered silent. No one is giving me the quippy goodness they were even 30 minutes ago. Insert frowny face here.

10:06 p.m. Jess is so desperate for a real song, he would have listened to all of "Ayo Technology."

10:07 p.m. This show is such a disappointment, Joe—the biggest Indiana Jones nerd you will ever know—is disappointed by the Indiana Jones title.

10:08 p.m. Jess: "If Fergie wins, I will go stick my head in the toilet." And oh my God, he just went into the bathroom and slammed the door.

10:08 p.m. A dispatch from Jess' mom:
JessMomLuvsLuther (10:08:31 PM): Okay that is it....FUCK IT! Fergie!
JessMomLuvsLuther (10:10:06 PM): I am drunk now....I am enduring this torture for you!

10:10 p.m. "Good Life": Still a pretty great song. The "P.Y.T." sample is just so expert, T-Pain be damned.

10:10 p.m. Joe: "I think the whole subhead for this show should be 'Sugar, We're Goin' Down.'" Kate: "Maybe if Fall Out Boy can perform that song, it would save the show."

10:11 p.m. Kate: "Oh, I know those stairs. I've been there in the virtual world."

10:14 p.m. Maggie: "You know, the Army is looking better and better right now."

10:15 p.m. There is not enough prosecco in the world for me to get through the next 45 minutes.

10:16 p.m. This ad for Power Tour: Electric Guitar is using Judas Priest's "Breakin' The Law," which is just making me wish that the Beavis And Butt-Head era would swoop back in and wake us up from this awful, awful dream. And did I mention that I saw Idiocracythe other night, and this show is pretty much proof positive that it was a semi-documentary?

10:17 p.m. Lil' Wayne and Fall Out Boy. Well everyone, it's been fun, but the Internet is going to break in about 30 seconds.

10:20 p.m. An IM from a friend: "who's next? John Turturro? Megatron?"

10:20 p.m. Joe: "Next year, the show should just be hosted by an iPhone."

10:20 p.m. And in a sop to the records that actually sell, here's Linkin Park. Can't wait for the Nickelback run-in scheduled for 10:45!

10:21 p.m. Out of every band to get a full song, MTV picks ... Linkin Park. Even though you can hear Chester Bennington's nodes growing with every note that he growls.

10:24 p.m. Fall Out Boy wins best group! No one can see anyone. Why is the Gym Class Heroes guy getting to talk? An opportunity lost.

10:25 p.m. Serj from System Of A Down is singing "Holiday In Cambodia"! And ... they're cutting away, of course. Man, fuck this. Seriously.

10:30 p.m. OK it's Fall Out Boy backing Rihanna on "Shut Up And Drive" and this might be the first watchable moment of the evening.

10:32 p.m. And ... they cut away. So many frowny faces, you guys!

10:33 p.m. Hey, everybody—remember Nelly?

10:34 p.m. Alicia Keys is totally trying to channel Mary J. Blige. Michaela is very into her shoes, though.

10:36 p.m. OH MY GOD ALICIA KEYS IS SINGING "FREEDOM '90" AND WHERE IS GEORGE MICHAEL SERIOUSLY.

10:37 p.m. I'm gonna be a bitch and say it: My karaoke is better than this bullshit. (Also, my cable just froze.)

10:38 p.m. Joe has relented on the Indiana Jones title, in part because of a Zork connection. But can it redeem the night?

10:42 p.m. BLEEPWATCH XVIII: MTV bleeped "loaded gun" from "Sugar, We're Goin' Down."

10:44 p.m. I'd rather just have everyone cover Jermaine Stewart for the rest of the night, really.

10:46 p.m. You know, if Jamie Foxx wanted to promote his movie, he could have covered himself in duct tape with an ad. Just saying.

10:49 p.m. Joe just threw a bag of papadum chips at the stupid Miss South Carolina chick. Poor chips.

10:50 p.m. IT'S NOT A SECRET IF YOU'VE PUT IT ON YOUR FUCKING MYSPACE BLOG TILA. YOU'RE NOT INTERESTING. AND YES I AM SO CLOSE TO WRITING THE REST OF THIS BLOG IN ALL-CAPS BECAUSE I'M JUST THAT FUCKING READY TO JUMP OUT THE WINDOW.

10:54 p.m. It's almost over!!!!

10:55 p.m. I would stop you, Smiths-covering Mark Ronson protege. But I am three time zones away.

10:56 p.m. Mary J. Blige introduces Dr. Dre. Is Detox actually coming out??????

10:57 p.m. Holy crap, Dr. Dre has been working out!

10:58 p.m. IM from a friend: "dre swallowed barry bonds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

10:59 p.m. And "Umbrella" is your video of the year, even though Rihanna, you know, wasn't really on toe shoes in the clip. Just saying.

11:01 p.m. Foo Fighters, Mastodon, and Josh Homme. Are they covering "Jesus Christ Pose"? I wish.

11:02 p.m. Wait ... that's it?

11:04 p.m. No, wait, it's not over! We're all invited to a party on the 32nd floor! Maybe Kate can go there in the E-world.

11:05 p.m. It's a performance of "Do It" with the newly blonde Nelly Furtado, a song that has nothing to do with the VMAs at all.

11:06 p.m. The camera isn't focused. Guess that open bar extended to the tech crew! I'd be offended but it's actually kinda nice that they gave the plebes some extra scratch.

11:07 p.m. Joe: "Wow, Timbaland is pretty ripped!"
Me: "Yeah, he goes to the gym. Did you not read his Twitter?"

11:08 p.m. When does the reanimated corpse of Aaliyah come out?

11:08 p.m. Joe: "Is this the finale or the postscript?"

11:09 p.m. Come on. 'N Sync reunion. It needs to happen now.

11:10 p.m. Joe: "This is like 'rich people having fun and being drunk while all of you poor people are at home and angry and being drunk.' "

11:12 p.m. It's over. But it's not, because there is afterparty coverage. Do I dare? Can someone come down from above and guide me on this point?

11:14 p.m. In case the snippets of performances that aired during the show weren't short enough, here's a bunch of shorter snippets!

11:17 p.m. Wait! THEY'RE SHOWING IT AGAIN! You'd think they'd at least cut out Britney totally botching her dance steps from the second airing.

11:19 p.m. Joe: "This is the least erotic thing I've ever seen. And that includes stuff on the Food Network."

11:20 p.m. Seriously, watching this a second time is just even more depressing. Especially since MTV left in all the reaction shots.

11:22 p.m. Well, I didn't want to watch Sarah Silverman again, so we're done. (Jess is actually on the verge of physically tearing me away from my computer, so I should probably listen.) Lessons from tonight: Britney Spears is never going to have a comeback, Sarah Silverman's unfunniness is pretty much a given, Rihanna is great, MTV's confusion isn't restricted to its digital strategy, Nelly Furtado should dye her hair back, Dave Grohl exists to give old people like me and Jess an excuse to actually pay attention to pop culture, and everyone should give Patrick Stump a chance to talk on-mic more often. (Seriously, why was Travis accepting Fall Out Boy's Best Group award? Hello?) And I'm going out to drink more prosecco now, because the five bottles I had in my apartment clearly weren't enough to wash away the totally clusterfucky pain of tonight.

Another Musician Prepares To Shed Clothing, Decency For VH1

mjohnston — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 13:01:48 EDT

The "date Bret Michaels" trainwreck Rock Of Love hasn't even picked its "winner" yet, but VH1 is already getting ready to cast its sequel; this Saturday in Williamsburg, an open call for contestants who are "girls 21+, single and who are looking to win the love of the rock star of their dreams" will take place. According to the casting call, the rock star in question is "someone that makes the girls wild and girls would do anything just to meet this guy, a Tommy Lee type of rocker" who wants "hardcore rocker chicks, tattooed, big hair, drinks beer, rockin body." Hmm, well, that narrows it down while not narrowing it down at all! We've put four guesses after the jump, but feel free to chime in with your own.

Casting Call For New 'Rock Star' Relationship Show [Blabbermouth]

Britney Spears Gives Us A Little Bit More (And It Ain't Half-Bad)

mjohnston — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 20:38:41 EDT

Britney Spears' real comeback single makes its way out to the Internet just in time to beat Kanye West and 50 Cent at the "whose-leak-is-bigger-than-who" game. Good thing someone out there had enough sense to prevent her from popping out another weepy phone-call ballad...
ARTIST: Britney Spears
TITLE: "Gimme More"
WEB DEBUT: Aug. 30, 2007

ONE-LISTEN VERDICT: "It's Britney, bitch," Britney Spears announces at the beginning of her comeback single—right off, a change in attitude from the sad-sack track of hers that leaked last week, thank God. The spunky "Gimme More," produced by Nate Danjahandz, Hills, is seriously channeling some aerobics-class-worthy club music, with Britney's voice tweaked into full-on sex-kitten mode—but at the same time, the Casio-keyboard percussion is giving off a serious The Blow vibe to my obviously-indiepop-addled ears. (Although the lyrics to "Gimme More" are, as far as I can fathom, about being famous and wanting some guy's body, so maybe someone should hook Britney up with Khaela Maricich if only for some writing exercises.) The bottom line: It's not "Toxic," but it sure as hell isn't "Me Against The Music," either.

WHERE TO FIND IT: Popcrunch has an MP3, although downloading is sloowwww going. Bring a book! Or just try getting it here.

Which Wacky Diva Wants People To Quit Professing Her Influence?

mjohnston — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 10:30:45 EDT

Tucked inside Michael Musto's latest laundry list of blind items was this nugget on an ungrateful elder: "What wacky singer flinches when asked if she feels she's influenced a current superstar? (She feels the superstar can't really sing and therefore the question is kinda insulting.)" A current superstar who can't sing? Oh, the humanity. Anyway, our guesses are after the jump, poll-style:

Who Put the Goth in Gotham? [Village Voice]