7:55 p.m. Five minutes to go! Apparently the red carpet was crazy. And the special guests are breaking down: ZZ Top is playing with Cookie, OneRepublic with Archie, and Seal with... someone. (It has to be Brooke White, right?)

7:58 p.m. To properly prepare the New York viewing area for this momentous occasion, WNYW has decided to run the Seinfeld episode where Elaine and Jerry "mull intimacy but without commitment." And a New York Lottery ad featuring "Daydream," which awww. (Speaking of Jason: Please let Jeff Buckley not be one of tonight's digitally exhumed singers. Please.)

8:00 p.m. They're both in white! David Archuleta is wearing a shirt that says "Bowery & Bleecker" (what, no CBGB shirt?) and David Cook is wearing a white suit.

8:01 p.m. Seacrest is looking sharp. And he is unbelievably pumped to say the "FINAL RESULTS SHOW!!!" Last night, 97.5 million votes were cast, breaking the vote-total record by about 23 million ballots—the final split was 56%-44%. Quite a gap, especially for a primary night.

8:03 p.m. There was one miserable-looking guy in the crowd at David Cook's hometown rally, while the parade of young girls in David Archuleta's hometown—"all blondes and all neck," Ryan pointed out, and I have to agree—are unbelievably pumped.

8:04 p.m. The top 12 are also in all white, and now they're dancing with the So You Think You Can Dance dancers while trying to sing "Get Ready."

8:04 pm. Carly is hopelessly out of rhythm. Jason is just trying to focus on not tripping. You'd think the semi-pro dancers would take the pressure off, but I guess that's not happening. Oh, and Amanda is wearing a scarf to break up her all-white monochrome!

8:06 p.m. David Hernandez and Amanda Overmeyer are a study in contrasts: David looks thrilled to be back on a stage where he can keep his clothes on, while Amanda is looking like she just wants to get through the next 30 seconds.

8:06 p.m. Commercial break No. 1! Well, that was quick.

8:09 p.m. The ad for So You Think You Can Dance is touting its lack of B-list celebs. Janice Dickinson, you are on notice!

8:10 p.m. An awkward pause in the action, and then David Cook kickstarts that awful Nickelback song from Spider-Man. It's a duet.

8:11 p.m. It's probably not surprising that Cookie is carrying the crummy nu-grunge performance. But the sound mix is kind of terrible, too—the two mics seem to be cutting each other out.

8:12 p.m. Cook seems super-confident and happy; Archuleta is smiling blandly.

8:12 p.m. Oh no... it's a tie-in with The Love Guru. No. No.

8:13 p.m. I would rather watch an endless loop of Austin Powers 3 than this. Shoot, I'd rather watch just Beyonce's "acting" in Austin Powers 3.

8:14 p.m. They're interviewing the two Davids about the movie. Archie can barely muster out his pre-fab line about what he liked about the movie.

8:14 p.m. The torrent of '90s references being thrown at David Cook is a little funny, although I would have made a Screaming Trees joke instead of an Alice In Chains one.

8:15 p.m. Oh, this is going beyond the taped bit and into Mike Myers showing up on stage. God, I miss the subtlety of Wayne's World right now.

8:17 p.m. Are people really going to see this movie? And is Mike Myers still making the "I'm going to make a joke about promoting the movie as promoting the movie" joke? The answers would seem to be no and yes.

8:18 p.m. And now, it's Seal duetting with Syesha on that song that was in all those TNT promo ads a few years back. And the sound is still absolutely awful.

8:19 p.m. You know what this performance needs? Ice skaters.

8:19 p.m. "Underrehearsed" would be a good description for what's going on right now, I think.

8:20 p.m. Why would they give Syesha a song that was so out of her vocal range? They don't need to throw her under the bus anymore.

8:22 p.m. Next year, the eliminations should be sponsored by any company with a five-blade razor, if only for the express purpose of some super-awkward sponsor tie-in videos.

8:25 p.m. Jason!

8:26 p.m. The producers aren't taking any lyric-forgetting chances here, with him singing "Hallelujah." However, Mr. Castro is taking a fashion risk by wearing what seems to be a... a denim shirt.

8:27 p.m. Prediction: Jeff Buckley's version of this song will be back in the iTunes top 20 within the next 12 hours.

8:27 p.m. He made Melinda Doolittle cry!

8:28 p.m. And now it's time for the Blooper-reel Ford ad... including one shot of Carly, er, hugging the hood of a Ford.

8:29 p.m. ALL THE DAVIDS ARE GETTING CARS!!! David Archuleta actually took the Lord's name in vain, he was so excited.

8:29 p.m. The ladies, all in red, are now doing a Donna Summer medley that opens with "She Works Hard For The Money." Brooke's tone is very Donna-like; Kristy's is awful. Amanda, meanwhile, looks like she would like to be anywhere else on earth.

8:30 p.m. I bet you never thought you'd hear a yarled version of "Hot Stuff" tonight. God bless Amanda. Meanwhile, Carly sings the chorus as if her career still depends on it. And then there's Ramiele, who... well, let's just say that Alex Lushington was robbed one final time and leave it at that.

8:32 p.m. Donna is now out and performing her new single. I need a better mix to judge, but so far, this is no "This Time I Know It's For Real."

8:33 p.m. Yeah, I'm not into this. Please see the below clip as to why:

Stock Aitken and Waterman forever, yo.

8:34 p.m. Wait, how is it "Last Dance" time? It's only 8:34! Who won? What about the rest of the Ford ads?

8:35 p.m. Syesha: Still bringing the pitchy, even tonight. There's something to be said for consistency, I guess.

8:39 p.m. Carly and Michael, "shock" eliminees both, singing a ... bar-bandy rendition of "The Letter." Aw, they make a cute Captain and Tennille sort of pair. The Ascot and Tattoo!

8:41 p.m. I kind of love Carly's minidress, because it looks like it was made from a scrap of studded fabric that at one time served as her tattoo parlor's curtain.

8:42 p.m. These two are so going to do... something together. Right?

8:43 p.m. Oh God, Jimmy Kimmel?

8:43 p.m. Wow, a "Sanjaya is a has-been" joke and a "Chris Sligh is fat" joke. This whole thing is coming off like a best man's toast at a wedding of people who aren't funny at all.

8:45 p.m. And now the guys are doing what I suspect is a Bryan Adams medley. Michael Johns is probably appropriate for singing the lyrics about the summer of '69, since he's the oldest. And Jason Castro... no. He should not be anywhere near this song at all. Man, the producers have been up Bryan's ass this season, right? Remember the whole thing with "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" during Hollywood Week?

8:47 p.m. The Davids are singing "Heaven," but sadly, it is not the DJ Sammy version.

8:47 p.m. And now Bryan Adams is performing his new single. I guess it doesn't count as paid programming if all the promotions are the result of favor-trading, but...

8:50 p.m. "Somebody" doesn't really have the same oomph when it's sung by a chorus of guys. In fact, it kind of reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit where Jason Sudeikis and his pals put a song on the jukebox and reveal their secrets in just enough time to launch into singalongs of every chorus. Creepy!

8:53 p.m. Something tells me this "Joe Torre adjusts to LA" State Farm ad won't be airing on the YES Network anytime soon.

8:54 p.m. Jordin Sparks talks about "living the Idol dream"... at Walt Disney World. The franchising of this show is officially out of hand.

8:55 p.m. No, Randy Jackson, ZZ Top do not rate devil horns.

8:55 p.m. Especially since it seems like they'll whore out their hits to any guy who sounds even vaguely Krogerish. (This time it's "Sharp Dressed Man," which they're performing behind D. Cook.) Does no one remember the Billboard Awards from 2006? Well, I guess no one does, since they don't exist anymore.

8:57 p.m. Cookie is having a good time. But the "underrehearsed" thing is definitely floating to the front of my mind again.

8:59 p.m. David Cook's high-school music teacher is on! Yay, music teachers.

8:59 p.m. And now it's time for... wait, someone who played with David Crosby and Stephen Stills? Uh, not Neil Young, right? Oh, no, it's Graham Nash, Brooke White, and an awkward count-in from the band. Did they decide to let the intern direct tonight's show?

9:02 p.m. This is very sweet. And it's clear that Brooke knew "Teach Your Children," because she sailed through the whole thing.

9:03 p.m. This Coldplay song: Totally OK, especially when it kicks into that U2/Arcade Fire chorus.

9:03 p.m. Oh my god, it's David Cook in a Guitar Hero ad that pays homage to Risky Business. Well, you have to know that Archie would probably never get that particular endorsement. Please don't tell me that this means another season of The Next Great American Band is in the offing, though?

9:06 p.m. The girls are freaking out because... it is... JONAS BROTHERS TIME!

9:07 p.m. Joe Jonas is wearing... a puffy T-shirt? And yes, here is where I note that David Archuleta is nowhere close to being a Jonas yet. He needs more time in shiny suits and, you know, talking to girls and stuff.

9:09 p.m. Ah, it's time for the annual "bring out your freaks" montage. Some people on this couch aren't likin' this.

9:10 p.m. 45 seconds for the girl who was painted gold. 45 seconds for the guy who couldn't enunciate. Ah, and now it's time for a tribute to Renaldo Lapuz and "I Am Your Brother." I guess more Mike Myers would be worse.

9:12 p.m. Oh, no, they brought him to the show to sing live! He's going to be doing this for the next 48 minutes!

9:12 p.m. No, really. This is going to be the rest of the show. An extended marching-band routine and then the So You Think You Can Dance dancers will come out and then they'll add the digital Pips and the digital Gladys Knight and the digital Beatles and I'm going to miss my midnight showing of Indiana Jones because the winners won't be announced until this cacophony is over and oh my God it's already been two minutes, you guys.

9:14 p.m. He's played off. My tickets are safe!

9:15 p.m. Speaking of summer blockbusters, how much is Get Smart going to suck? It's a shame, too, because I really want to see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson drop the People's Elbow on a comedy that's actually worthy of his talent. And eyebrows.

9:16 p.m. WE'RE BROTHERS 'TIL THE END OF TIIIIIME... oh, this is going to be stuck in my head all night. Quick, someone find me a YouTube of the Hawaii Five-O theme, a.k.a. the ultimate earworm eraser! The future of this liveblog depends on you!

9:17 p.m. And now it's time for OneRepublic to perform "Against All Odds '07." Hey, remember when everyone thought they were going to have a second single? Ah, January.

9:19 p.m. And here's Archie, and the Piped-In Screams Of Producer Manipulation.

9:20 p.m. This song really isn't the same without those Timbaland "eh... eh, eh"s.

9:20 p.m. To be fair to David A., this song does play to his strengths. Particularly the fact that he doesn't have to remember all that many words, which must be some comfort to him.

9:22 p.m. David's grandfather just said that he's proud of his grandson and his son. Uh, OK.

9:23 p.m. Jordin Sparks comes out to perform her new single wearing what looks like an Isaac Mizrahi for Target dress. (I don't mean that in a bad way! I like his dresses.) This track is probably not going to reach the airplay heights of "Tattoo," since it's a bland cross between a coronation song and Michael Jackson's "Remember The Time." And Jordin seems rushed. I do like that she's broken free and made her nose ring more prominent, though.

9:26 p.m. Way, way too long. I miss Fantasia.

9:26 p.m. Blake Lewis, the devoted older brother/crush type, is singing along. So many Jordin journals are filled with lyrics about him.

9:27 p.m. How many comedies this summer are operating under the premise "Saturday Night Live guy adapts accent, expects roffles?" I count two advertised on this show so far.

9:30 p.m. Free idea: Dunkin' Donuts and They Might Be Giants should co-sponsor a songwriting contest that's decided by their good old Dial-A-Song concept, i.e., the track with the most calls wins.

9:31 p.m. Only 29 minutes to go! And it's just in time for... the Gladys Knight/fake Pips performance. The fake Pips being Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr., who are promoting that movie where Downey's in blackface— a "creative decision" that he wisely decided to not reprise here.

9:32 p.m. Actually, Downey's probably doing the Pip routine the best. Jack and Ben are predictably overhammy. Boy, do I miss the Jack Black of "Jeepers Creepers Semistar."

9:34 p.m. I also miss the Ben Stiller of The Ben Stiller Show, but that's probably something that goes without saying.

9:34 p.m. Oh, great, now the revenues from the video are for charity so I have to feel bad about thinking it was awful.

9:35 p.m. Carrie Underwood, in a ponytail, comes out blazing and pitchy for "Before He Cheats II," a.k.a. "Last Name."

9:36 p.m. So Carrie is wearing this outfit that's like ... shorts and a jacket, only attached to the sleeves is this kind of shawl/jump rope contraption. I guess that's because she brings her own fun? But this song is all about getting drunk and going home with someone, which you'd think would make this outfit a bit... tricky.

9:38 p.m. Ashley Tisdale and her new nose are in the audience, and I am so happy that she's not on that stage singing her "He Said She Said" song.

9:41 p.m. Now it's a David Archuleta Guitar Hero ad. With, yes, him in the Risky Business boxers. No. Just.... no. Thankfully, this one seemed much shorter than the Cook ad.

9:43 p.m. The last top 12 medley ever... starts with Kristy Lee Pander-Girl Cook fucking up "Faith." Carly recovers, but then they force Ramiele down our throats again.

9:44 p.m. Yeah, Amanda is not a good pick for this song either.

9:44 p.m. Oh man, and now it's the guys singing "Father Figure." Don't mess this up you guys. I have to live through the next 16 minutes.

9:45 p.m. Michael first; OK, he can do it. Hahaha, they gave David Hernandez the line about being naked! And Chikezie growls his line. I would love to hear him sing this whole song.

9:45 p.m. OK, so I got chills when David Cook did the "end of... tiiime" bit.

9:46 p.m. This is all making me really miss Chikezie a lot, you guys.

9:47 p.m. Chikezie with the vamps! Where is his album, I ask you? When does ?uestlove snap him up?

9:48 p.m. Aw, "Praying For Time." I kind of figured this would be the song he'd sing after the whole "Idol Gives Back" thing. Is anyone getting a recent-Morrissey vibe off this?

9:50 p.m. Paula is crying. God, I love this song. I wonder if anyone would be willing to get me tickets to one of his shows... hint, hint.

9:51 p.m. "Praying For Time": Now more than ever?

9:52 p.m. Yeah, I think so.

9:53 p.m. Oh, he apologized for having a cold!! Poor George!!

9:55 p.m. Do you guys think that Ashton Kutcher has a Flickr page?

9:57 p.m. We're back! Jordin Sparks' reign of terror is about to end!

9:57 p.m. Randy: "You're both winners."

9:57 p.m. Paula: "It's the beginning of the start of the destinies of your careers." Then she babbled something about losing being OK. Densities?

9:58 p.m. Simon: "On the night, it was a terrific show..." and he apologized for treating David Cook the way he did last night! Could this be a hint? And now he's saying that he doesn't care who wins?

9:59 p.m. The votes are certified, and bona fide, to borrow a phrase from an old co-worker.

9:59 p.m. The lights go down.

10:00 p.m. The David who wins is... David Cook!

10:00 p.m. By 12 million votes! Wow. I guess all that bus-throwing reverse psychology worked.

10:01 p.m. David Cook is crying. Meanwhile, David Archuleta has run off to the other side of the stage.

10:01 p.m. And that's it. David Cook is blaming his brother, there's no sing-off I guess? Oh, here's... "Time Of My Life"? I guess this is what Paula meant by the songs from last night not being the winning songs.

10:03 p.m. So, how many months do you think we're going to have before Games puts out a special American Idol issue?

10:04 p.m. Wait, does David Archuleta look... relieved? Actually, that wouldn't surprise me in the least, given that he's now pretty much off the hook for all those interviews.

10:05 p.m. It's over! Does this mean that American Idol now has—gasp—credibility? Nah, we'll probably be complaining about Cookie's first single very, very soon.

10:08 p.m. Paula was just quoted on the local news as saying that this was the "best finale." Her prognosticating abilities are getting better by the minute!

10:11 p.m. Well, that's it, another year of American Idol in the books. I'm pretty happy with the results, although i suspect the hue and cry from the Archie fans elsewhere on the Internet will be loud and coming my way very soon. In the meantime, a friend of mine is trying to figure out which Chiefs game during the 2009 season will feature a David Cook national anthem.

10:13 p.m. Oh and I guess George Michael really is the biggest star in the world? To be honest, I'm pretty much 100% OK with that.

8:00 p.m. We're starting with... the Rocky theme? And Michael Buffer? Honestly, do they have to butch up David Archuleta that badly?

8:01 p.m. "Weighing in at 180 lbs..." well, that's definitely Cook. Oh my god, they're both in boxing robes! Where is Ryan in a Foot Locker uniform!

8:01 p.m. This did not really work as far as "instilling tension" goes. I'm just waiting for the New York Lotto Mega Millions announcer to come out and say just how much the prize recording contract is worth.

8:02 p.m. Luke Perry is in the audience! Guess he's in Danny Noriega's seat.

8:02 p.m. Ryan: "Once again, the eyes of America are trained on a single stage..." Bryan: "Isn't there a primary tonight?"

8:03 p.m. Oh, they're really referring to these two kids as "Big David" and "Little David." Tonight there are four hours to vote! For each time zone!

8:04 p.m. Did Fox just get boxing or something? Or maybe the WWE rights? Because the amount of boxing imagery in this is already ridiculous, and it's four minutes in.

8:04 p.m. Wow, I hope this means that Clive Davis is having David Cook sing "Eye Of The Tiger."

8:05 p.m. Old White Males Offer Their Predictions. Yes, this is definitely an homage to boxing.

8:05 p.m. How was neither David ever in the bottom three? What about the week when there were only four contestants? Was everyone tied? What about last week? The math of Idol is already addling my head.

8:06 p.m. In the "spikes of hair" competition, Archie is beating Cook, if only because his aren't sticking up as absurdly as his compatriot's.

8:07 p.m. This whole segment is sponsored by Coca-Cola. And the Nokia Theater, judging by the number of times each judge has name-dropped the venue as a "special place" for competition. I thought they were here because the Kodak was booked?

8:08 p.m. Simon: "You've got to hate your opponent." David A: "You know, this guy is awesome." So of course David Cook has to talk about how nice Cookie is! Will Little David get further penalized for diverting from the script?

8:13 p.m. The boxing allegories continue. Seriously, where did this footage come from?

8:13 p.m. Clive Davis is on talking about how he looked for songs that spoke to generational angst, etc. Ahh, so he picked "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" for Cook. I shudder to think what shitty nu-grunge song Cookie picked for himself.

8:14 p.m. Cook kicks in. His voice sounds very... airy.

8:15 p.m. IS THAT A TELEPROMPTER BEHIND THE JUDGES?

8:15 p.m. Oh, and now he's jumping on the catwalk. Clive Davis is front row center, but not clapping along, perhaps because he sees Kelly Clarkson Mach II singing in front of him right now.

8:16 p.m. I don't know if condensing this song really worked for it—too much of the build was lost. But hey, maybe Paula will judge all three songs right now and we won't have to worry.

8:17 p.m. Randy just called tonight the "duel of 2007." I guess Jordin Sparks is now officially erased from the books.

8:17 p.m. Paula had another one of her semi-cougary "I want you so bad" lines prewritten for her as praise for Cookie. Simon liked it too, so there. I guess the judges can't complain about "song choice" given that they're so dependent on Clive.

8:18 p.m. And we go right into David the Little singing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me."

8:18 p.m. He's already doing the vamping. I really hate that about this kid. He's all about telling via runs, and not showing via interpretation.

8:19 p.m. He's doing the squinting thing too.

8:19 p.m. The way he's shaking the mic looks like Axl Rose's shaky hands in the "Don't Cry" video. The judges are going to love this. Big smile from David's dad.

8:20 p.m. Randy starts with the "so, uh..." which is not a good sign.

8:21 p.m. Uh, so much for that. Randy says that he's picked the right time to peak. Really? Really, Randy? After pimping—and I hate using that word—this kid all season?

8:21 p.m. Paula sunshine blah blah blah.

8:21 p.m. Simon thinks that it was the best he's done so far. But—is there a but? Ah, yes, he gives round 1 to Archie. Yes, it's so in the bag for David The Younger. How could we have thought any differently?

8:22 p.m. Archie is still panting. If he's physically unable to sing songs 2 and 3, does he get DQ'd?

8:26 p.m. There are still two songs to go and the show is almost half over! Does this mean fewer tortured boxing analogies?

8:27 p.m. Ah, I spoke too soon. Oh no it's songwriting contest time!!! OH NO

8:28 p.m. Jim Lampley is camping this up if he's really doing this for Idol.

8:28 p.m. Oh, the songwriting contest. This song is apparently called "Dream Big." It sounds like it was originally filler for some mid-period Survivor album. "If you don't dream big, what's the use of dreaming"? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

8:29 p.m. "Faith is something you can('t?) see." I'm starting to wonder if all these songwriting contest picks are first vetted by some sort of Christian rock organization so their Stealth Religious Quotient can meet a certain threshold.

8:31 p.m. OKAY SOMEONE IS DEFINITELY WRITING PAULA'S LINES. If the person who is could e-mail me I would be forever indebted to you, just for personal satisfaction of conspiracy theory purposes.

8:31 p.m. Simon didn't like the song. Well, they can't all be "This Is My Now," right?

8:32 p.m. Paula just said that the song David sang "wasn't the winning song." What? Really, Paula? Are you opening the door to conspiracy theories again?

8:35 p.m. The "Lust For Life" ad. If only Iggy and the Stooges were slated to be on tomorrow's show. And singing with Madonna. She could make up with Mike Watt!

8:36 p.m. Tickets to the tour are actually selling? Huh.

8:36 p.m. Archie starts to sing, and we're treated to random explosion of screams in the low, end of the background. And the crowd looks placid. Maybe they are piping in crazed teenage screeches, just like I theorized last week!

8:37 p.m. This song: Also terrible. Dear producers: Please ditch the singing competition next year. This song sounds like "Don't Cry Out Loud" neutered by a grape-juice-and-communion-wafers hangover.

8:38 p.m. The screams come up again. I really do think that his "teen girl" appeal is being way overstated here.

8:39 p.m. Randy is breaking out the "singing the phone book" again? The crowd is really not into the judges' raves. However, Bryan is very happy that Constantine is in the audience.

8:40 p.m. Simon gives round two to Archie. To celebrate, Archie is licking the middle of his top lip down to a nub.

8:41 p.m. Ooh, a new iTunes ad with Coldplay!

8:42 p.m. You guys, I'm starting to get bummed out. I wanted to see the big "Jeff Archuleta looks crestfallen because of the crashing of his gravy train" camera shot tomorrow night! Instead, I'm probably going to wind up seeing Young David on Celebrity Rehab on Vh1 Lost Dignity in 2011 or so.

8:44 p.m. Wait, was that Kid from Kid N' Play in the So You Think You Can Dance commercial?

8:45 p.m. The boxing analogies are back. "The last round is always a fight." Dear David Cook—oh no, you're singing Collective Soul this time out?

8:45 p.m. David Archuleta is reprising "Imagine." Guessing he won't leave in the heaven line this time around.

8:46 p.m. David Cook's pick is yet another piece of rock-radio filler. Like I knew this song? But I didn't know that it was by Collective Soul (NB this could be in part because rock radio, like pretty much every other format except classic rock and classical, doesn't back-announce anymore). The judges are going to hate this, the kids aren't going to vote, and David Archuleta's going to win.

8:47 p.m. I'm not even that invested in David Cook, but I feel like tonight's show is like one of those obviously mismatched playoff games where the team you're rooting for is the underdog, and you're so pumped... until the opposing team puts up a five-run fourth.

8:48 p.m. He's crying. Will this make people embrace him? Randy loves Collective Soul. "This is the kind of record that you could make and get by with," he says. Uh, quite the ringing endorsement there.

8:49 p.m. Standing O from Paula.

8:49 p.m. "One of the nicest, most sincere contestants we've had," says Simon. But he thought it was "completely and utterly the wrong song choice," because he should have reprised one of the songs from a few weeks back.

8:50 p.m. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" asks Simon. "Well, yes and no," David says. "Why do something I've already done?" Ooh, Archu-BURN-a! But he has a point. Even though in America, David Cook, you should know that artistry never wins.

8:53 p.m. I really want to go back to this "phantom crowd noise" thing, because it is more than a little fishy. I was always wondering if the little girls really liked young David more than his other David... I mean, I'm saying this as someone who preferred Guns N' Roses to New Kids On The Block back in the day, so.

8:53 p.m. OH MY GOD SOMEONE EATS A FINGERTIP ON HELLS KITCHEN???

8:54 p.m. I seriously loathe this version of "Imagine" because he obviously has no idea what the song means, and it's made patently obvious by the fact that all he can do is show off his instrument. No lyrical interpretation, just runs, runs, runs. This is so obviously what the Clive Davis Machine hath wrought, though—Whitney and Celine and Mariah, the troika of revered singers, were just the starting point for the robo-voiced, and David is the next generation, all "virtuosity" but no art.

8:56 p.m. Will Randy say that thing about the phone book? No, but he does say that he thought all season that the final would be both Davids. Which prompts a concerned look from Simon.

8:57 p.m. Blah, blah, Paula's speechless, it was stunning. Can we just give it to the kid so we don't have to sit through Madonna tomorrow?

8:57 p.m. Simon: "We've taken a bit of stick, but this show is about finding a star... and what we have witnessed is a knockout." Yes, but David? Is not a star. He is a technical singer who's held up like a marionette by a bunch of people, who's unable to say anything but "cool" or "awesome" if he's not being fed the lines by his father or Andrew Lloyd Webber. He's even breaking down right now, you can see it. No poise, just a voice.

9:00 p.m. I do like how the producers recut "Imagine" during the ending montage to include an Archu-squeaka. Yeah, like the judges would have commented on that.

9:00 p.m. Aw, David Cook. Come over and we can do crosswords and listen to Soundgarden. I'll even give you hints on the Saturday puzzle if I know the answers.

9:01 p.m. Whoa, it's Ruben! Singing the "see ya" song! David Archuleta, turn to your left and watch closely.

9:02 p.m. Is Ruben even signed to a label at this point? Is this performance supposed to be an audition? Ruben's voice is pretty great. How did J botch his marketing so badly?

9:03 p.m. The ending montage features the Michael Johns elimination and Carly's Fateful Shirt Of Simon Love.

9:05 p.m. Well, that was anticlimactic. And we're going to have to hear "Don't Cry Out Loud" again tomorrow, too! Gah. At least I have the prospect of watching a food critic eat a human fingertip to cheer me up.

8:00 p.m. The three remaining contestants are being introduced as a high school student, an actress, and a bartender—not a reality show winner, a failed reality show contestant, and a bartender.

8:01 p.m. This is also the order that the three contestants will sing in tonight. It's "a pivotal moment in the lives of our three finalists"! And "the closest race our show has ever seen"!

8:02 p.m. The judges are all in black, as if this is Idol's funeral. Randy is in paisley that looks like it's a star map; Paula is in glitter; Simon is in a crewneck.

8:02 p.m. Syesha is in a long glittery dress again—a floor-length version of her Beyonce song?—while the two guys are wearing jeans.

8:03 p.m. David A. is up first, singing "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel, who should probably be on the show next season.

8:04 p.m. Paula just let loose a bunch of gibberish about why this is a good pick for David. David, of course, is excited.

8:04 p.m. String intro leads into... David singing acappella. With not many runs at all! Do you think he understands the words now that his dad isn't telling him to melisma it up?

8:05 p.m. And he's not smiling, either. Could it have been his father who was making him all cheesed out?

8:06 p.m. Randy: "You are in it to win it, baby."

8:06 p.m. Paula: "It was a pure and stunning performance."

8:07 p.m. He still looks like he's going to cry. Ooh, Simon lets loose with the "predictable"! I wonder if he's trying to beat David down. "Good... I don't think it was outstanding." This is like the teacher's pet getting a B plus.

8:08 p.m. Commercial break No. 1: A Vitamin Water ad that does not feature Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood, but LeBron James. As a defense attorney. With a plot that is completely lifted from that episode of The Brady Bunch where the guy fakes whiplash.

8:10 p.m. I always like figuring out how the songs that are used as jingles, and their singers, would do on American Idol. Oh, shit, I just remembered I have to sign up for my audition slot!

8:11 p.m. It's chaos. Ryan is impersonating Randy. Syesha is in the back of a limo. Paula's mic is off.

8:12 p.m. "Why'd you choose [Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You"] for Syesha?" "Well, I saw her perform it on that abomination that tried to compete with Idol a few years back..."

8:12 p.m. Unlike her last televised performance of this song, she is not sitting on a piano. Also, her hair is straightened, which makes her look Serious, I guess.

8:13 p.m. Noticeably Flat Note No. 1.

8:14 p.m. Randy: "That's why you're standing there No. 3." OMG HINT AT ELIMINATIONS TO COME!! MUST CREDIT IDOLATOR!!

8:15 p.m. Syesha just gave a sassy "thanks gurl!!!" to Paula's compliment on her album.

8:15 p.m. Ah, now she's playing up the Southern accent. Girl has been watching Hillary Clinton's blue-collar-region stumping for sure.

8:16 p.m. David Cook and Syesha got their song choices via iPhone text messages, while David Archuleta had his handed to him by a weirdly moustached Utahan mayor.

8:18 p.m. Simon wanted David C. to stretch himself with "The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face." It's working well so far, in a "I would change this if it came on in the car, but I can see people melting over it" sort of way.

8:18 p.m. Are they cutting to his mom? Kind of weird.

8:18 p.m. Ah, the big power-ballad finish. Some tropes of rock and roll never die.

8:19 p.m. House brought down.

8:19 p.m. Randy: "You can sing the phone book too.... but I want you to rock, baby. You're a rocker."

8:20 p.m. Paula tries to deflate Randy and Simon's collective-ego... and tells David he's the second-favorite person who's ever sung it. Uh, thanks?

8:20 p.m. Simon proclaims that he's won this round. OH GOD DAVID JUST GAVE HIS MOM A MOTHER'S DAY SHOUTOUT. Because, like the other contestants, he can't be in touch with his parents all the time, ahem.

8:22 p.m. Unless Archuleta faints onstage and Syesha finds another cleavage-baring dress, I think we're seeing the all-David finale that everyone's predicted for the past six weeks. I don't think that's premature.

8:25 p.m. The girls are going wild for David's Chris Brown pick. And he said it was a tough song to practice.

8:26 p.m. Ryan is telling David to move over to the stage, and David's confused. "Wait, what?"

8:26 p.m. Has anyone ever used the word "boo" more awkwardly?

8:27 p.m. Some obvious struggles with the lyrics—a near-muff at one point. He only really gets confident when he's deviating from the melody, which probably says something about his stage fright and its paralyzing nature. He really didn't seem confident at all on the lyrics, although I bet the judges won't say a damn thing.

8:28 p.m. Randy also didn't get the "my boo" thing, marking I think the first time we've agreed on David all season.

8:28 p.m. Paula thinks he did a great job, of course. Because he didn't pass out on stage.

8:29 p.m. Simon: "It was a little bit like a chihuahua trying to be a tiger"—Audience: BOOOO!!—"insomuch as it's not really you. I thought it was really awkward." Well, yeah. He's trying to act his age for the first time in, what, ten years or so?

8:30 p.m. Syesha is in another glittery dress. Singing "Fever." Apparently she's going to use a chair somehow.

8:31 p.m. Man, she is really playing up the Southern accent. Syesha. YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.

8:31 p.m. Her syncopation is off. As is the lighting. Will she wind up humping the chair? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

8:32 p.m. My friend Bryan, a diehard Idol watcher who just arrived: "She's kind of breasting it up."

8:33 p.m. Randy called her song choice "very interesting." But he likes it! And Paula, once again, is saying that she looks lovely. But she's surprised by her song choice, because it doesn't show her "who Syesha is as an artist."

8:33 p.m. Simon thinks that she'll regret her decision tomorrow, because she did "quite a lame cabaret performance." Well, when your version isn't even as good as Madonna's...

8:34 p.m. I'm replaying "With You" for Bryan, who got stuck in traffic on the George Washington Bridge. This is the first time he's ever seen Idol live, because he usually works night!

8:36 p.m. The dancing comes off even more kid-at-a-wedding-forced-by-his-parents on the second viewing.

8:37 p.m. "That was the worst decision ever," Bryan just told me.

8:39 p.m. Ryan is sitting spread-eagled on Syesha's chair! He looks even shorter than usual compared to David Cook on the stool.

8:40 p.m. David Cook singing Switchfoot's "Dare You To Move"—and once he kicks into the chorus I totally remember it. I wonder if this guy still buys Puddle of Mudd records?

8:41 p.m. Paula and Randy don't like it! Paula thinks his version was too short. Simon isn't crazy about the lack of melody that the track has, which, surprise, is my problem with most songs of that ilk too.

8:43 p.m. David Archuleta goes right into Dan Fogelberg. Yawn, yawn, another boring ballad.

8:44 p.m. This is the milkiest piece of white bread ever. Does America really want bad floral wallpaper as its Idol? Really, America?

8:44 p.m. Randy once again trots out the "you can sing the phone book" line. Ah, autopilot. Paula can only muster up the word "lovely." Simon, however, thinks the song is terrible, that the lyrics were so gooey and that they were more appropriate for a 90-year-old and that the producers should all fire themselves—OK I made that last part up—but that he's going to get through to the finals anyway.

8:50 p.m. Lloyd from Entourage and Justin Guarini are both in the audience. And Jeff Archuleta will be on the tour!

8:50 p.m. And now Syesha is in Happy Feet, singing one of those Beyonce-like percussive-run-filled songs that are pretty much impossible to pull off unless you're a) Beyonce and b) backed by her band.

8:51 p.m. This is not good. I feel like she's just sticking long notes in for the purposes of filler.

8:52 p.m. Well, that was fast-sexy as opposed to "Fever"'s slow-sexy, and neither of them worked.

8:52 p.m. Simon: "So it's a song about penguins."

8:53 p.m. And Paula drops the "not good enough for the finals" bomb! This is the test of Syesha's fanbase.

8:53 p.m. And Simon thinks that she peaked last week. She's done.

8:53 p.m. Bryan: "Is it really a song about penguins?" Me: "I think it's a song about filling space on a high-budget movie's soundtrack."

8:54 p.m. Bryan thinks that the week Syesha was the best was the week that she lost her voice. Oh burn! How many of us miss Carly, though? Hands?

8:57 p.m. The final performance! The guy standing next to Ryan is making a stupid "I'm totally going to be famous on YouTube" face!

8:58 p.m. I guess this is the Apocalyptica version of "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing."

8:58 p.m. This whole episode is making me miss Josiah Leming.

8:59 p.m. Strobe lights! Big notes! Ah, Syesha, it was fun while it lasted.

8:59 p.m. Whenever Randy starts a critique with "For me..." you know he's going to say he didn't like it.

9:00 p.m. Simon thinks that "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" is one of the greatest songs of all time—and that David won the night. Well, one kind of correct statement and one HORRIBLY WRONG OH MY GOD DO YOU HAVE EARS COWELL statement isn't all bad.

9:01 p.m. Nothing says "rocker," Bryan notes, like a tuxedo with a T-shirt, as opposed to a tuxedo t-shirt.

9:01 p.m. Cutting back to David Archuleta's version of "With You" is making Bryan crack up.

9:02 p.m. Oh man, and as if to underscore that they want Syesha out, they cut a montage with all flat notes. Mean producers! Not that I even want her to stick around, but come on.

9:03 p.m. Bryan and I agree that an opportunity was lost by not having David Cook sing "Dude Looks Like A Lady"—dedicated to Simon and/or Ryan.

9:07 p.m. Bobby V time. I mean, we all know what's going to happen tomorrow, right? I'm going to put a poll up but come on.

9:46 p.m. The Idols' music video this week shows how, through the power of their hybrid vehicle's product placement, they can fix the litter problem.

9:47 p.m. Neil Diamond is singing "Amazing Grace"—not the Kristy Lee Cook go-to song, but a track that causes my viewing companion to remark that he's about half a step away from the career path taken by Scott Walker.

9:49 p.m. This song is totally OK—very understated. Although if he were a contestant he'd be raked over the coals for this being a singing competition.

9:50 p.m. Ryan is so addled! And there's Neil Diamond's mom, all proud.

9:51 p.m. "What can you say about that album?" "it's good." Ah, the Neil Diamond charm. If anyone would like to see him when he comes to New York, please drop me an e-mail.

9:51 p.m. Neil thought the judges were "a little harsh... but pretty right on" last night. He seems kind of nervous!

9:52 p.m. So here's the thing: I actually think Neil Diamond is a great songwriter. But given that Idol's aesthetic of choice is all about schmaltz in the form of wringing every note until it's bled dry, I feel like he was the complete wrong choice for the Idol universe, unless the judges changed their criteria at the last minute to include categories like "interpretation" and "subtlety." Which totally wasn't happening. Also it's 9:55 already? I got distracted by the promise of unlimited chip refills.

9:56 p.m. Syesha and Brooke are brought out to center stage! Either way, Brooke is going to freak out. (She's already crying.)

9:57 p.m. And Brooke is out. Oh, my god, the crying.

9:57 p.m. She seemed so... down to earth back in the day, you know? But this is what happens when you go the Shrek route.

9:59 p.m. She wants to thank everyone. They're making her sing again. And she's doing "I Am, I Said." Ah, Brooke. Annie Hall you ain't.

10:01 p.m. She's all rasp, very Amanda Overmyer. Syesha looks like she wants to be anywhere else but the Idol stage.

10:01 p.m. She's decided that she doesn't have to please the audience anymore, so her back's been turned to the audience. Good night.

7:31 p.m. The E! guy just asked Wilco how they went from "alternative" to "rock." This answer could completely revolutionize music writing as we know it.

7:32 p.m. Jeff Tweedy points out that 10 years ago, they were actually folk, thus sending a nation of rock critics to their Tumblr pages.

7:34 p.m. John Fogerty is discussing his fitness regime.

7:38 p.m. Jay-Z's closet is two stories high. He also looks very young this evening, although the tux he's wearing is very sharp.

7:40 p.m. Ludacris is freshly back from Milan! And in all-Armani! The banality is too much to bear! Almost!

7:42 p.m. Cyndi Lauper is an Amy Winehouse fan. I wonder if she's wearing Betsey Johnson? If she's not she should be.

7:44 p.m. John Legend's underwhelming red carpet showing pretty much sums up why he's not the huge megastar that the record industry so wants him to be.

7:48 p.m. Switching to the TV Guide Channel. I can't escape John Legend! He's performing with Fergie tonight!

7:49 p.m. Lisa Rinna looks completely flummoxed by Nas' shirt, which has the title of his album in huge gothic script letters. And Kelis is in a matching jacket! And now Nas is wasting his big stump speech on not sweeping racism under the rug on the freakin' TV Guide Channel.

7:50 p.m. Nas' entourage also includes a couple of white girls in matching dresses. Perhaps we'll see these on the racks at H&M tomorrow?

7:53 p.m. Coming up after the Grammy special: A hard-hitting look at celebrity breakups. Stay tuned?

7:55 p.m. Five minutes to go! A gay man with a black hat and a sinus infection is commenting on dresses and giving Joey Fatone the opportunity to make S & M references!

7:56 p.m. I had to change the channel when will.i.am talked about doing something "for America."

7:58 p.m. We're very close to being done. Here's Natalie Cole, the Best New Artist of 1975! Well at least the E! guy got her year of victory right.

7:59 p.m. It's starting!!

8:00 p.m. Frank Sinatra is reprising his Grammy explanation speech from many years ago. "It Had To Be You" is being cued up by the orchestra... and there's Alicia Keys. AND VIRTUAL FRANK SINATRA, right on her piano!! He's even reflected in the piano. Attention to detail, there.

8:01 p.m. The backdrop drops out! Someone's getting fired by the time 8:30 rolls around.

8:03 p.m. This performance would be a lot better if Sanjaya was singing backup.

8:03 p.m. Dan: "If you're going to do something like this, at least do, like, the Foo Fighters with Kurt Cobain or something."

8:03 p.m. Wow was that anticlimactic. And now Alicia Keys is walking down the runway... and welcoming everyone on behalf of the Chairman of the Board and herself.

8:04 p.m. "To appear on the Grammy Awards is to duet with history," said Alicia Keys.

8:04 p.m. "I'm going to reel off a bunch of legendary musicians' names so you associate me with them," she continued.

8:05 p.m. Carrie Underwood is dueting with freaking Stomp on "Before He Cheats"! While wearing a catsuit.

8:06 p.m. Someone pointed out that she's styled kind of like Nancy Sinatra. "Well, that's the theme tonight," said Dan. "The Sinatras! Someone's going to come out as Frank Jr. next."

8:09 p.m. Prince. Just presenting. Wait, how did Mary J's "Just Fine" squeak in under the deadline? It's not even like it's a good enough song to make exceptions for.

8:10 p.m. Prince: "Frank Sinatra looked good for 150, didn't he?" Bruce Vilanch didn't write that line.

8:12 p.m. Alicia Keys wins Best R & B performance by a woman.

8:16 p.m. 70 million people are watching NCIS. Anyone want to calculate the fraction of people who are watching this broadcast right now?

8:17 p.m. The Time is doing "Jungle Love"! The excitement is punctured a bit by the fact that the mix is really not good, dropping out and all messed-up-levels all over the place.

8:19 p.m. It's a mashup of "Jungle Love" and "Umbrella." Somewhere, the Hood Internet is going into meltdown mode.

8:21 p.m. And now we're into "Don't Stop The Music," and Rihanna is wearing one of Christian Siriano's creations from his Bryant Park show. That was fast!

8:22 p.m. Rihanna: Not so energetic with the "Jungle Love" dance moves there.

8:23 p.m. Tom Hanks is paying tribute to lifetime achievement award winners The Band. Does this mean that Panic At The Disco's cover of "The Weight" is up next?

8:25 p.m. The Beatles changed the history of our planet. And tonight, we honor them by forcing Ringo Starr and Yoko Ono to sit in the same row and making everyone sit through "re-imaginations" of the band's catalog. Can't we just get treated to some footage from A Hard Day's Night?

8:26 p.m. Cirque de Soleil: Redefining the phrase "You Had To Be There" for how many years now?

8:28 p.m. Is it shirking my live-blogging duties if I just close my eyes until the dancing stops? Please say no.

8:29 p.m. The car blew up—the second automobile to get demolished tonight! Is this all some sort of environmental analogy?

8:30 p.m. The aeralist's flopping all over the stage is making me really nervous in an Owen Hart kind of way.

8:30 p.m. The kid who's wearing pants from Urban Outfitters is singing "Let It Be" a capella.

8:31 p.m. And as everyone expected, the song is now being sung by a full-on choir! So when do we all get to go to Beatles church, anyway? If U2 is doing it there has to be some hip priest out there who's reimagining the Gospel as the letters of Lennon & McCartney.

8:33 p.m. That was actually pretty good. Keeping Evan Rachel Wood away from it definitely helped.

8:33 p.m. And from that, we go to... Cyndi Lauper and Miley Cyrus. God bless Cyndi's still strawng Noo Yawk accent.

8:35 p.m. Shocking no one—except maybe Cyndi, who was very happy and surprised!—Amy Winehouse wins Best New Artist.

8:36 p.m. Jason Bateman is surrounded by a plague of gnats while standing outside touting the Foo Fighters' performance in the Staples Center parking lot.

8:37 p.m. Jason's touting of the My Grammy Moment YouTube competition is almost as convincing as Michael Bluth saying "I have no problem with that."

8:37 p.m. They should have really had all the violinists in the My Grammy Moment competition audition with "Cotton Eyed Joe."

8:38 p.m. Jason Bateman just called the cello a "violin with a thyroid problem." And we only have 21 minutes to vote, which means that if this whole five-person room votes three times each, we might be able to swing the ballot.

8:44 p.m. Is it a conspiracy that there's no mention of legally downloading the album of Grammy nominees, or is it just another sign of how "in touch" the music industry is?

8:45 p.m. Kanye West is debuting his light-up glasses and his ... anarchy-symbol fade?

8:47 p.m. Hey look it's Daft Punk! Brooklyn Vegan's commenters are totally going to start crying.

8:49 p.m. Oh maybe his fade says "Mama," since he's performing "Hey Mama" right now.

8:52 p.m. Any goodwill toward the broadcast I might have just evaporated with the phrase "Three-time Grammy winner Fergie."

8:54 p.m. I'm guessing this collaboration is called "Finally." If only Ce Ce Peniston could be here instead.

8:55 p.m. The Best Soundtrack Album category has a Beatles vs. Beatles matchup! Does this mean that they'll split the vote?

8:55 p.m. No. Love wins.

8:58 p.m. Ringo mugs and talks about his son not being able to be there.

9:00 p.m OK, the Webcam ads by E*Trade need to stop ASAP because a) the trend is completely 10 years old and b) the peoples' heads are way too big in 2008-technology TVs.

9:01 p.m. Speaking of old, here's an ad with a girl going to her prom wearing Doc Martens!

9:03 p.m. Cher is wearing a dress that looks like it was a collaboration between Bob Mackie and Jessica McClintock.

9:04 p.m. A jazz remix of "Deja Vu" punctuated by the spoken-word opener from Christina Aguilera's Back To Basics? That's being lipsynced? Yeah, that's a way to introduce Tina Turner.

9:05 p.m. Not to go crazy with the Project Runway references, but why is Tina wearing an outfit made out of a few rolls of fabric from Spandex World's sale rack?

9:07 p.m. Although holy crap, "Better Be Good To Me"!? This song is kind of fire. (Also: Tina's dancing > Rihanna's dancing.)

9:09 p.m. Beyonce dedicated that "working for the man" line in "Proud Mary" to her father in her head.

9:11 p.m. It's nice to know that even after being trotted out by numerous American Idol contestants, karaoke singers, and others, "Proud Mary" is still a blazing song.

9:13 p.m. Nelly Furtado, some woman from some CBS show, and "O.G."—original Grammy host—Andy Williams come out to give Burt Bacharach some props.

9:14 p.m. It's also time to give out Song of The Year. And Amy Winehouse wins for chronicling her troubles. And Nelly Furtado is so excited to hear what she has to say! Which... yeah, I'm just wondering if they're still trying to tape her appearance.

9:20 p.m. Jason Bateman is about to bestow the My Grammy Moment prize. "By the power vested in me by whoever booked me for this gig..." His agent is very fired tomorrow.

9:21 p.m. Of course the chick with the sleeveless shirt won. Of course.

9:23 p.m. The back of the crowd needs to get a little more pepped up about this, you know? It's their moment, too, after all.

9:25 p.m. And now: It's time for the violin solo that (a few people in) America want to hear!

9:26 p.m. Dave Grohl is so freaking psyched! You'd think he just won a ... oh, wait.

9:27 p.m. Surely whoever wrote the copy about Kid Rock and "a new female friend" was trying to inspire many Scott Stapp sex tape-related jokes from the peanut gallery?

9:29 p.m. It would appear that Art Brut is T-Mobile's new Of Montreal, but I won't give them that coronation totally until they rewrite "Formed A Band" for Applebee's.

9:32 p.m. Not content with having George Lopez announce the nominees, now the Grammy powers that be are trotting him out to make "political" ethnic jokes. And he is bombing almost as badly as Sarah Silverman at the VMAs.

9:33 p.m. The glittery shirt that Brad Paisley is wearing is distracting me from this weirdly muted performance of "Ticks." I know that this show got a waiver from the WGA, but did the sound mixers strike by proxy?

9:37 p.m. The not-invisible hand of Matthew Knowles is felt as Solange shows up to present an award with Akon and Chris Brown.

9:38 p.m. Remember when Jay-Z put out Kingdom Come? Yeah, those were the days.

9:39 p.m. Kanye West wins Best Rap Album for Graduation, and a nation holds its breath in anticipation of his acceptance speech. Also: His jacket is still lighting up.

9:40 p.m. Oh no, Kanye is getting played off! But he is soldiering on ... and he forced the playing-off to stop by invoking his mother. Damn. Damn.

9:43 p.m. Aretha Franklin and the "roof-raising" gospel performance are ready ... and playing underneath a giant glowing cross. Wait, does this mean Justice is going to come out?

9:45 p.m. It's a clash of the choirs! Only the choir competing now is more like a brass band with a few ornamental ... vocalists? Lute players?

9:47 p.m. Oh no, they're none of those things—they're their own thing.

9:47 p.m. It's very funny how it's one of the filthier rappers around who's charged with introducing all of the gospel groups.

9:49 p.m. And now for the big medley-closing group sing!

9:51 p.m. That's how to get people pumped for the rest of the show: Footage of some dude in a hoodie singing opera. (And yes, I know it's Josh Groban, but c'mon, if you're gonna be in front of a camera, at least dress up a little.)

9:54 p.m. Man, will.i.am is never going to stop in his quest to make America care about him, is he? Maybe he'd be a bit more sympathetic to his attempts at a recording career if he didn't go around wearing diamond-encrusted ear molds.

9:56 p.m. Dierks Bentley and Carole King are giving Earl Scruggs a Lifetime Achievement Award... and introducing Feist. Oh, I see what they did there!

9:58 p.m. This might be the only point in the night—or in my life—when I would welcome a Kid Rock run-in.

10:00 p.m. And as requested, here's Kid Rock... but he's performing with Keely Smith instead. They are singing "That Old Black Magic." Yes. And there's Dave Koz? And... yeah, Kid, please don't take to covering "Mambo No. 5" anytime soon.

10:01 p.m. Why was David Lee Roth not considered for the Kid Rock slot???

10:03 p.m. And it's Best Rock Album time: Daughtry v. John Fogerty v. Foo Fighters v. Bruce Springsteen v. Wilco. Someone is gonna get robbed, and it's gonna be the guy who was "Alternative" a few years back!

10:04 p.m. Someone sure gave Dave Grohl the Happy Vitamins [tm] tonight. Did you see that hug he gave to Dave Koz?

10:05 p.m. Dear announcers: Please stop saying that we've all been waiting for Amy Winehouse's performance. Please.

10:08 p.m. The more I hear this Mary J. song the more the overly syllabic therapyspeak gets to me.

10:12 p.m. Stevie Wonder continues the "let's make people think Alicia Keys is a legend in the making" campaign by giving Berry Gordy a lifetime achievement award and introducing her second performance of the night.

10:13 p.m. Is that the Edge on guitar?

10:14 p.m. The AMA performance of "No One" > this.

10:15 p.m. And as if to underscore that evaluation, here is JOHN MAYER ON GUITAR.

10:16 p.m. Joe: "Every generation gets the Clapton it deserves. And John Mayer is all we're worth."

10:17 p.m. Two balding, bearded men in shades. And Ringo just egregiously used the word "Fab." Get it? Get it???

10:18 p.m. Best Country Album: The only country album worthy of an Album of the Year nod. And here's another user-generated ad, where a woman gets a chance to win the part of... a Grammy babe? Wow, talk about setting the bar low.

10:23 p.m. How are there so many commercials on this? Is time expanding to fill the space in my brain that's left from me anticipating a VMA-style clusterfuck this evening?

10:25 p.m. It's time for some CBS cross-promotion: Joe Mantegna and a last.fm ad. Well, I guess they figure they need something for the non-pop-music portion of the evening.

10:26 p.m. And now: "Rhapsody In Blue." Wouldn't this have made more sense for the orchestral competition? C'mon, United Airlines could have sponsored the contest!

10:28 p.m. I am so engrossed in my liveblogging that I just now realized that drummer extraordinare Christopher Weingarten has been beatboxing along with the song for the past 45 seconds.

10:30 p.m. So when does everyone break into "Dueling Banjos"?

10:32 p.m. Or maybe trot out Woody Allen for a little clarinet action?

10:33 p.m. Juanes is totally giving Taylor Swift the stinkeye. Or is it the "hey baby" eye? And why are they presenting Best Rap/Sung Collaboration?

10:34 p.m. "Umbrella" wins, prompting Rihanna to drag Jay-Z up to the stage and... call him Dad?

10:35 p.m. Jay is translating Rihanna's accent into Self-Aggrandizing.

10:39 p.m. The Happy Meal ad with "Cha Cha Slide" is making me think of going to Shea! (I know, I know, you're shocked.) Yay!

10:41 p.m. Cuba Gooding Jr. introduces Amy Winehouse, perhaps to serve as a reminder that winning a big award doesn't necessarily mean that your career is actually going to be successful if you don't play your cards right.

10:42 p.m. She really does rely on tics a lot for her "performance," eh.

10:43 p.m. Well, she got through one song... and here's "Rehab."

10:45 p.m. I know I've watched a lot of American Idol the past few weeks, but SImon's calling people "demonic" is echoing in my head right now.

10:46 p.m. It was a very "fuck you" performance to be sure, but eh, I'm kinda lukewarm on it. I'm the only person in the room who feels this way, I should point out.

10:49 p.m. Record of the Year time. It's a Natalie Cole-Tony Bennett lovefest! There's no way "Rehab" doesn't win this, given the timing.

10:50 p.m. "Rehab" wins. Oh man, they cut to the Amy reaction shot. She's crying; big pile on Amy; people in the London crowd chanting "Amy, Amy, Amy"; she has no idea what to say. Her speech... it started off slow, then gained momentum, and she maintained. Now that is a Grammy moment, not a dumb YouTube tie-in.

10:56 p.m. Is it lame that I realized the version of "I Wanna Rock" in this WaMu ad was a re-recording of the song, like, right away?

10:57 p.m. Ohh... it's Neil Portnow to drop some numbers. 7,578 Grammys given out over time. And now it's a pre-taped package touting the Grammy Museum, which opens this fall. Perhaps I'll be able to at least get a press pass to visiting that place.

10:58 p.m. The performance royalty for radio gets a smattering of applause.

10:59 p.m. OK, I can totally get behind music in the public schools. Signed, Recovering Orchestra Geek.

11:00 p.m. No one in the audience understands "The Next 50 Is Here" either. Which means it's time to bring out the dead people!

11:02 p.m. Man, this was a bad year for musicians. Boots Randolph and Don Ho and the guy who came up with Sesame Street Disco and Joe Zawinul?

11:03 p.m. Oh no, finishing with Pavarotti means it's time for Josh Groban and Andrea Bocelli. I guess they had to keep the Oprah crowd around somehow... but are any of them even awake by now?

11:04 p.m. Also: No mention of Stockhausen during the dead people montage? Or the Hawthorne Heights guy? Hmm.

11:07 p.m. Still remaining in the broadcast: Album of the Year and the John Fogerty/Little Richard/Jerry Lee Lewis performance. If that closes the show, it'll be the ultimate tribute to the Grammys' iron grip on the pop music landscape of the present moment.

11:12 p.m. And as if to underscore the above statement, here's Bonnie Raitt!

11:13 p.m. So are there real for-hire writers writing this thing? Because between the "fab" non-pun and the awkward "fortunate son" interpolation... wow.

11:14 p.m. It looks like Kenny Aronoff borrowed Kanye West's shades.

11:14 p.m. Jerry Lee Lewis: For 73, he sounds pretty decent. And shit, I have to be sorta deferent to the man who wrote "Great Balls O' Fire."

11:17 p.m. Let's all take a moment to remember this singular moment in Little Richard's career. (And FYI, he's 76.) Also, anyone who ever wrote a song for a stripper that hit the top 10 should thank Little Richard for knocking down that door.

11:21 p.m. But... is that going to be the last musical performance of the night? Really?

11:22 p.m. Barack Obama is now a Grammy winner. He sure has had a good weekend.

11:24 p.m. A non-rhetorical question for all of you: What's the song in the Grammy CD ads that I keep thinking might be Bad Religion but is probably not because, I mean, come on, right?

11:25 p.m. will.i.am doing "Mack The Knife" as a Grammy-fellating rap! Why do people think that America wants to hear anything that this guy has to say in 2008?

11:25 p.m. Oh my God, it's a medley of Grammy-winning songs. Like "Don't Worry Be Happy." And "Beautiful Day." And ... "Beat It"? It's time for the Michael Jackson tribute!

11:27 p.m. Quincy Jones just said that Mark Ronson is going to enjoy his Producer Of The Year award... and his tone implied that said "enjoyment" would be sorta conjugal. Oh man that gramophone hole....

11:28 p.m. Whose "I have to win" pose is more urgent... Amy Winehouse or Kanye West's?

11:28 p.m. HAHA EVERYONE GOT PWNED BY THE TRIBUTE TO THE OLD PERSON WINNING

11:29 p.m. Oh really, come on you guys if you didn't at least think that Herbie Hancock paying tribute to Joni Mitchell would sway at least half the people who voted for Steely Dan over Eminem a few years back you haven't been paying attention.

11:30 p.m. Plus it featured a bunch of Grammy-bait artists! Norah Jones! Corinne Bailey Rae! Tina Turner! And Leonard Cohen. I mean, really.

11:38 p.m. Wait, it's over?

11:38 p.m. Confetti, credits, and "Sgt. Pepper." There's that commitment to the now!

11:39 p.m. I know that live TV is a pain, but you'd think that at least someone would know when everyone was saying thanks and good night?

3:34: So two kids are getting to audition the to-be-released-tomorrow Lenny Kravitz and Nada Surf albums, as well as the Step Up 2 soundtrack. We'll get their reviews later. It's like live-blogging except...liver.

3:36: And there's the Bad Brains. Strumming acoustic guitars. And looking old.

3:38: Lenny K. was supposed to be live in the studio today but he instead he's off somewhere fermenting a love revolution. Instead we get the typical no-longer-than-a-minute snippet of his blah "I'll Be Waiting" video. But if you want to air-piano along with the whole thing you can always go to MTV.com.

3:40: Speaking of which: an air-guitar contest! That's...kind of entertaining. A gentleman gamely mugs his way through "Are You Gonna Go My Way" for a chance at winning Lenny's guitar.

3:42: And now a commercial break. To heighten tension before the next round in the contest. And to make sure there's not actually too much show on this show.

3:44: And now a young lady uncomfortably grinds out an air-guitar performance of "Lenny's" signature hit "American Woman." And the guitar goes to...the guy. Who's mentally calculating his eBay winnings before he's off-camera.

3:46: This Sara Bareilles clip answers the unasked question: What would happen if you replaced Michael Jackson with Feist in the "Leave Me Alone" video?

3:48: And now the unbearably smug Tim Kash updates me on all the news I've spent today blogging about. Hannah Montana blah blah, Britney's nuts blah blah, Superbowl blah blah.

3:52: Blink and you'd miss Paramore at No. 6. For a show where nothing happens this shit moves almost too fast to live-blog.

3:55: An actual 30-seconds of Britney allows me to catch my breath. Our junior reviewers have determined that Lenny never disappoints and that Step Up 2 soundtrack is going to be one of the biggest albums of the year. They're practically ready for rock critic prime time with that kind of firm grip on banal platitudes.

3:56: Finally! Missy!

3:58: Missy wants your help in naming her new album. You get $500 and a mention in the liner-notes after "God" and "R.I.P. Aaliyah."

4:00: 3-D video up next! It looks...blurry. And red. And blue. And I'm pretty sure that was just a vintage clip of a Bad Brains moshpit bumping us into the commercial break.

4:03: Fergie's "Clumsy" at No. 4. Will 2006 2007 ever end?

4:04: Apparently you have to "have a big pom-pom" to "do the pom-pom." They mean butt, right? I'm pretty sure they mean butt. Missy refuses to elaborate by doing the pom-pom.

4:06: Oh shit. "Strap on your glasses" because he we go!

4:06: Dancers are pop-locking in slo-mo against a white background as their 3-D halos hover around them.

4:07: Missy is (presumably) swinging into my living room on a giant tree swing.

4:07: A reference to Michael Jackson's shiny socks. In 3-D.

4:07: Baseball players thrust their 3-D bats in our faces and Missy and chubby dude friend dance dance revolt in 3-D.

4:08: 3-D house party! 3-D peeping toms!

4:08: 3-D booty popping! Booty popping in 3-D is remarkably similar to regular booty popping without the glasses. Though the neon green leg warmers and shiny blue American Apparel tights are blinding enough in their own right.

4:09: Annnnd...it's over. Hmm. Kinda anti-climactic. Maybe the high-kicking fresh white kicks actually would have knocked my less-than-white socks off in actual 3-D.

4:09: Note to self: Have emergency pair of 3-D glasses in the house in the future.

4:10: Tim Kash: "That was a dope video right TRL??" Yeah, it was okay. I guess. The lack of the little "Work It" breakdancing little girl (in 3-D!) was a bit of an oversight. Though I guess she's probably a breakdancing junior high student at this point.

4:12: A kid just asked Chelsea Clinton to sign his box of Cheez-Its. I need a beer.

4:15: Now a revealing interview. Missy used to sing songs about roaches as a little girl. An odd one even then.

4:16: Missy did not have liposuction. She would have gotten the "Paris Hilton jump-off" if she was going to go the plastic surgery route. Noted.

4:18: The audience just inhaled as one when Missy mentioned nearly getting into an altercation recently with someone who "just got off the boat." She went on to clarify she meant "off a cruise ship" but I don't think the TRL kids were buying it.

4:20: Okay, the arrival of Danity Kane's spray-tanned cleavage just made me sad.

4:21: Remember the blonde is named AUDREY and the brunette is named AUBREY. And zip-up leather outfits are not for everyone. There will be a quiz.

4:23: Danity Kane and the Bad Brains! Together at last! The last days of MTV just keep getting stranger.

4:26: Fox45 is advertising the "greatest break-ups" this week on Friends. For those in the greater Baltimore area with nothing to do around dinnertime.

4:28: Come on TRL audience, there's no way you're actually that excited to see the stars of Making The Band 4. Your applause is so hollow.

4:29: The band from Making The Band 4 is officially called...Day26. Really. What?

4:30: And "Low" is still No. 1. And we're out!

4:33: Wait...did we ever find out the verdict on the new Nada Surf? MTV, not big on tying up loose threads.

8:04 p.m. What's happening? Maura's here behind me in this venue but I can't see her. Patrick Stump just showed up during Lupe Fiasco's show opening performance. Maura's freakin' out right now probably. So Lupe Fiasco just performed. I just got off the red carpet. I'll tell you about it later. Kenan Thompson showed up for some reason. He was high and delightful and made the press tent smell like weed. Almost the highlight (pun intended?) except for when I gave Rilo Kiley some M&Ms. More later. Woodie of the year goes to...

Gym Class Heroes. Laaame

8:15 p.m. We're on a commercial break, thank God. This event is strange, but kind of neat, actually. All the artists are just hanging out on uncomfortable-looking bar stools by the stage. A Shins song is playing. It's so college!

8:17 p.m. Maura is here like a crazy ghost I can't see. She's IMing me from her mobile device. Her fashion commentary: "also: the fedoras need to stop all around."

8:22 p.m. Fall Out Boy is presenting Best Video. Pete Wentz is talking waaaay too much. Being in like 7th grade talking about how he can say fuck on mtvU. That's great, Pete. Put Patrick Stump on the mic. Also part of the copy for this award presentation is "The mtvU award for best video isn't about cinematography..." SHITTY VIDEOS WIN AWARDS! The winner is...

Say Anything, Pete's "personal favorite record of the year."

8:26 p.m. Kenan Thompson is high and requesting that everyone in college "make some noise." Please let him run this whole show from here on out. He just said "FUCK the POlice." He's introduced Tokyo Police Club. I like this song, plus the lead singer and I had a moment on the red carpet laughing about Woodie puns. They sound pretty good. Maura says: BLOG BAND.

8:30 p.m. Ohh! Two songs from one band...at an awards show! Maybe this mtvU is okay after all. It would be better if the blog zombies could sit closer to the stage, though...I can't really see anything at all.

8:34 p.m. I feel like The Shins are going to sweep this bullshit. Figures.

8:40 p.m. Maura just sat down next to me with a vodka drink. This night is full of surprises!

8:45 p.m. Finally back from the "commercial break," which can be as mercifully long as need be. Talib Kweli just introduced some guy with backup dancers in fluorescent bikinis. No joke. Ok, I'm pretty sure this is Spank Rock. I can barely see what's going on. The bass is out of hand in this place. There are like 10 "fine ass dancin' girls" on the stage. They don't really have a routine, but that's okay. They're wearing fluorescent spandex. Lots of awkward white kids on stage now dancing. What's going on? The stage kind of just turned into a weird club full of fine ass dancin' girls and white college kids. The song has gone on too long. Not fun from the back of the room...

8:54 p.m. The Academy Is...just won some sort of viral video award. They were negative about the fanfic when asked on the red carpet. But more on that later.

8:57 p.m. Tom DeLonge is presenting the Best Music on Campus award. Indirectly alluding to Blink 182. You know, back when he was fun and not a pretentious ass hole. Anyway, these bands are college kids who put out their own stuff, I think. One of them who showed up on the red carpet was so fucking obnoxious. I hope they lose. They're sitting right in front of us. Okay, they didn't win. All is right. A band called Stella by Starlight won. I think they're from Duke. They were nice, but a little boring on the red carpet.

9:01 p.m. Aw, they just said "Now we got a Woodie!" in their acceptance speech. Thanks for this endless dumb wordplay, mtvU.

9:10 p.m. Annie Lennox is at the podium. Nobody knows why she's here. Something humanitarian or some shit. Bring back Gym Class Heroes! Just kidding, that band makes me want to hide in a box underground. I can't really hear Annie. Okay, she's presenting the "Good Woodie." Seems like nobody is listening because they're all like "Who's this old lady?" Shame on these people for talking so much during her presentation. Why isn't Fall Out Boy nominated for their Invisible Children video? The guy from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus just stood on the table and screamed about being nominated for his charity award. Classy.The winner is...Guster! The crowd is pretty unenthusiastic. Poor Guster.

Haha a security guy just made dude from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus get off the table!

9:17 p.m. The Academy Is...performing. You know how I feel about them already.

9:25 p.m. The Academy Is...doing another song. They're playing great, but this venue is kind of dead, or maybe it just seems that way SO FAR FROM THE STAGE.

9:32 p.m. Spank Rock just drank something out of a high heel shoe right in front of us. He appears to be guest blogging for Alex Blagg right now. This is a weird event with a lot of down time during which drunk non-famous music people can act like fools. That's what's happening here.

9:45 p.m. (Yes, there was that long of a break) Say Anything are drunk and trying to read the teleprompter. Oh lord. Presenting the Breaking Woodie. And the award goes to...

Boys Like Girls. Oof, that just broke my woodie.

9:48 p.m. Rilo KILEY! Playing fucking MONEYMAKER. Fuck that. I'm still bitter. And I genuinely do hate this song, although they're doing a much better acoustic version of it. I can live with that, I guess.

9:54 p.m. Now they're playing "Breaking Up." Eh. Also she IS wearing hot pants. And playing a cowbell. Get out of here with this song.

9:57 p.m. It's done. I have no particular feelings on this night.

8:00 p.m. It's country music's biggest night! And we're kicking off with Rascall Flatts! Gary LeVox (the voice, you know) is in a shirt that's sparkly, yet tasteful.

8:01 p.m. Judging by the video projections behind this performance of the title song from the new Rascal Flatts album, the band is really angling for an endorsement deal with VW buses.

8:02 p.m. This song is not bad, in a "1984 track by Loverboy, but with banjo" way.

8:03 p.m. Now, the video behind the band has turned into a montage of past CMA glories! It looks like Monday Night Football.

8:04 p.m. Ah, so they're getting the ABC cross-promotion into the show's mix right off with Nashville-born Desperate Housewives star very woodenly reading from the teleprompter. It's apparently another one of those multi-headed-hydra-hosted affairs, no doubt for the sake of maximum cross-promotion.

8:05 p.m. Miranda Lambert singing "Gunpowder and Lead," one of my favorite songs of the past year, and looking kind of like she just flew in from a Cheryl Tiegs convention. Like, on the wing of whatever plane she was traveling on.

8:07 p.m. Yay, Miranda. Your album deserves to sell more!

8:08 p.m. Poor Gretchen Wilson, getting Kid Rock's cooties on her. And now, Sheryl Crow is trying to make the Jewel move, affecting a really terrible Southern accent while presenting the Single of the Year award ... until she starts reading from the Teleprompter.

8:09 p.m. Jessica SImpson is in the audience, too. Man, everyone is trying for the crossover right now. Is the pop market that dead?

8:09 p.m. "Before He Cheats" is Single of the Year, which is like, duh. (Poor "Ticks," though.)

8:11 p.m. Nice timing of the extended Carrie Underwood clip with the announcement of the Song Of The Year award coming up! Don't want to fuel those conspiracy theories too much, guys.

8:14 p.m. Sign that the rush for Nashville is getting a little too crowded: Even Robin Williams is trying for a country crossover.

8:15 p.m. The Desperate Housewives guy is back to introduce George Strait. This whole show really just seems like a calm, nice bath after the Adderall-infected mess that was the VMAs. I feel so calm! And George Strait's summery midtempo song about cowgirls is just making my mood even sunnier!

8:18 p.m. This may be the most pro-strong-woman song I've heard in a pop-music context since the mid-'90s. "She can do just fine on her own two feet / But she wants a man who wants her to be herself"? I'm in love.

8:20 p.m. Montgomery Gentry presents the Song of the Year award. And it goes to ... "Give It Away" by George Strait, thus setting up the first "winner plays before getting his award."

8:22 p.m. Ha ha, the songwriter thanked his ex-wife! For... "being such a good mother!" And apparently she deserves her half of his winnings, ha ha.

8:23 p.m. The Desperate Housewives guy is still "hosting." And introducing Taylor Swift. Who is coming out of a... flower? Is this sponsored by Tampax now?

8:24 p.m. Um... who wears gloves while playing guitar?

8:24 p.m. Oh, no one taught her how to not spit her 'p's into the wireless mic yet. But, to quote Randy Jackson, she is only 17. And this song's pretty cute.

8:26 p.m. The "twirling her hair during the cutest lyrics" routine is a little old, though. Also, I will bet you that guitar isn't miked, and is just there as a sparkly prop.

8:27 p.m. COMING UP (much much later): THE EAGLES. DUDE.

8:28 p.m. Plucked from the comments section: "A friend of mine is in one of tonight's multi-nominated acts tells me most of these performers are of course not playing or singing live. Sugarland apparently kinda freaks them out backstage by insisting on doing it all fer real." I don't know, those spitty 'p' sounds sure didn't sound like they were taped! Although maybe that was an effect, too? God, who can tell anymore, really?

8:32 p.m. And now we have the "marching band and Brad Paisley" performance, in which the geekiest thing you can do offline—i.e. be a band geek—is brought together with Paisley's ode to being a MySpace dork. OK this conceptually is amazing.

8:32 p.m. He is performing in The Matrix !!! But there's a marching band!

8:34 p.m. I am really identifying with this song way too much. Brad, if you ever need to get in the head of a professional blogger, let me know!

8:35 p.m. Oh wait, now he's dancing with actual girls? See, this would never happen on the Internet. But the marching band is back to rescue the geek quotient!

8:36 p.m. Apparently those ladies were Taylor Swift and Kellie Pickler. And there was a dancing fat band geek who is probably Brad's attempt to go "viral."

8:37 p.m. Alison Krauss is on now, minus Robert Plant but with Union Station.

8:39 p.m. The pretty, understated song is only making me again have VMA flashbacks. NEVER FORGET 09 09 07.

8:44 p.m. An ad for the American Music Awards! Hey we're liveblogging those too!

8:45 p.m. Big & Rich, dressed in fur coats, dedicate their song to the "King of Bling," Porter Wagoner. This song is about liking it loud, making them ... the Kiss of country? The bombastic arena rock sure adds to that feeling, although Kiss would never use a wah-wah pedal in such an egregious way.

8:47 p.m. Seriously, all this song needs is the Jackyl guy to do a chainsaw solo and then it would be perfect Headbanger's Ball of '90 fodder. Even with the just-bass-and-vocals breakdown that is the bridge. The dancing ladies look kind of idiotic, though, with their barely-there costumes and overchoreographed moves.

8:48 p.m. And now this song is biting Velvet Revolver? Huh?

8:49 p.m. Three cute young men come out to present Vocal Group of the Year. The one in the middle looks a little bit like the drummer from the Foo Fighters!

8:50 p.m. Rascal Flatts wins the Vocal Group of the Year award, which—at least in sheer chart terms—makes sense.

8:51 p.m. Ah, a nice little Chevy Tahoe ad stuck into the introduction for Rodney Atkins, who is "down-to-earth, but up the charts." Does that even make sense?

8:53 p.m. I understand that Rodney wants to be down with the common man, but dude is dressed like he's headed to a pickup softball game after his performance. Unless that's his afterparty...

8:55 p.m. Still to come: The awkward ABC tie-ins continue with a half-hour host slot taken up by the Private Practice chick!

8:57 p.m. One thing that you forget when you watch most of your TV via TiVo: Ads for holiday shopping and holiday movies and holiday holiday holiday holiday start way early.

8:59 p.m A child's toy that has a date-rape drug... inside? God bless local news.

8:59 p.m. Kate Walsh is doing the "stall for time" thing by saying the word "Nashville" over and over again.

8:59 p.m. Carrie Underwood singing "So Small." Oh come on, everyone—surely you all know the words from that CMT marathon of the clip a few weeks back?

9:00 p.m Uh oh, she is sounding a little off. Maybe it's the yellow?

9:02 p.m. She hit the big note, though, and that's probably all anyone will remember tomorrow.

9:03 p.m. Vince Gill is brought out to introduce another performer. Does that mean no more Kate Walsh? Did the ABC powers that be just give up after that awkward ... OH NO IT'S THE EAGLES

9:05 p.m. The disadvantage of growing up in the 1980s: You will never not see Glenn Frey and not expect him to bust into "The Heat Is On."

9:06 p.m. This song is, like, aggressively generic. If I closed my eyes, I'd just think it was some song from 30 years ago. But I guess that's the point, right?

9:08 p.m. It's over! Wait, it's over? That's it? So who's the big finish? Oh... it's going to be Rascal Flatts and Jamie Foxx, isn't it. GET READY FOR THE BEST VERSION OF "GOLD DIGGER" EVER.

9:10 p.m. You heard it here first: The bloggers are going to be all over Jim Noir for Target this holiday season.

9:13 p.m. This Kate Walsh upskirt angle is very, um, odd.

9:14 p.m. Brooks & Dunn. This is one of those "things are just getting worse and worse" songs with the uplifting title "God Must Be Busy."

9:16 p.m. Ah, now I'm depressed.

9:17 p.m. It would appear that all of the "Horizon" artists' video intros are Chevy ads.

9:18 p.m. In case you didn't remember that Jason Aldean's song was a tribute to Johnny Cash, the giant lit-up CASH behind him wants to remind you. But won't this just confuse the casual viewer?

9:19 p.m. And as Jess' mom pointed out, this song is much more Skynyrd than Cash, thus adding to the confusion! Not that I don't like it, but it is very Southern-rock.

9:20 p.m. Hey, it's Jewel! And her snaggletooth is still keepin' it country as she presents Vocal Duo of the Year.

9:22 p.m. Sugarland takes the duo prize.

9:23 p.m. Lots of people thanking radio tonight, which is sort of quaint.

9:26 p.m. Oh wow, a show about being pregnant starring that really annoying woman from Best Week Ever? I think I've found the worst TV show of all time. And yes, I'm including Whoops! in that calculation.

9:28 p.m. Dwight Yoakam is looking old. And awkward. And he's introducing Sugarland, which is apparently reversing the "nominees play then they win trend" established by so many other music-award shows.

9:30 p.m. This seems like a fine time to refill my water glass.

9:33 p.m. OK, maybe that was unfair. This woman can really fucking sing. It's just hard to focus on a performance when you're typing at the same time. (I know, I know, first-world problems.) But the crowd loooooooved it. Standing ovation! I will rewatch on TiVo later.

9:34 p.m. Dwight Yoakam is giving a Porter Wagoner elegy.

9:35 p.m. That stagehand who came running out during the moment of silence is so fired.

9:35 p.m. Album of the Year: Brad Paisley, George Strait, Dierks Bentley, Keith Urban, Vince Gill. (On a side note, does the semi-capitalization of the Urban album drive anyone else crazy?) Strait wins.

9:38 p.m. Earlier tonight, the Jason Alexander-directed video for Brad Paisley's "Online" won the Music Video of the Year award. Wait, there wasn't enough time to give it the prize in a three-hour show? Poor music videos.

9:42 p.m. And now LeAnn Rimes is back in a purple boob-slign dress and bragging about how she's never been arrested.

9:43 p.m. Martina McBride apparently stopped off at the show as she was going from work to happy hour at Chili's. Who on earth decided that skinny ties were back?

9:45 p.m. Another "inspirational" song, although this time the audience can apparently sing along thanks to the dot-com-ad-like words that are floating around the screen.

9:47 p.m. Still not really sure why Sheryl Crow is there.

9:47 p.m. LeAnn "Ellen Pompeo" Rimes and her boob sling return to introduce Keith urban (see, I'm playing with his capitalization style).

9:48 p.m. Keith is looking more James Spader-like than ever. This song is sweet enough, although it's odd that he's apparently performing in front of the set from Madonna's "Human Nature" video, and that it's filled with his string section.

9:51 p.m. Everybody needs somebody sometimes. It's true. I hear you, Keith!

9:53 p.m. Carrie Underwood is out of the yellow tulle ... confection she was in earlier for the purposes of presenting the (apparently not-Chevy-sponsored) Horizon Award. Two of the nominees have yet to perform, which is kind of awkward!

9:54 p.m. Taylor Swift wins.

9:55 p.m. She's crying. It's very sweet! And hard not to think "God, I hope this ends well." Even though she just called winning the award the highlight of her senior year, which probably made half the audience mutter, "Oh, come the fuck on" under their breath.

9:56 p.m. A Mary Kay TV ad?

9:59 p.m. Coming up on the 11:00 news: Why are concert tickets so expensive?? This is news I can use... for a cheap post tomorrow!

10:00 p.m. Oh, thank God Leann has changed into a better dress. To sing with Reba McEntire, of course.

10:02 p.m. This is fine—and the lighting design is to die for!—but it's too bad that Kelly Clarkson couldn't make it out to the show. It could have even helped her album sales. (My December dropped off the Billboard 200 this week, y'all. Snif.)

10:04 p.m. And now, the first of the two artists who didn't win the Horizon Award ... it's Little Big Town! Featuring a woman who is dressed in a costume that looks like my "blonde goth chick but it's really supposed to be Courtney Love" costume from 11th grade.

10:07 p.m. For a Little Big Town, there sure are a lot of people on stage. But this song is pretty OK. That's all I can really say.

10:11 p.m. Whoa, dying battery there! So I missed Carrie Underwood thanking everyone and God and wearing a much better dress while winning Female Vocalist of the Year, and I missed Dierks Bentley totally spazzing out over Alison Krauss.

10:18 p.m. Kimberly Williams (go Cats!) comes out to make a few jokes about married life and introduce Kenny Chesney, who is dressed in a getup that's more "middle manager at Blockbuster" than "Jimmy Buffett of the black-hat set."

10:20 p.m. This guy's live show must be a lot of fun, because this song doesn't exactly scream "sandless beach party" to me. Maybe the three-foot margaritas help?

10:22 p.m. The very deep-voiced Josh Turner busts out "Firecracker," which has a bunch of "-ockin" rhymes that makes me think that he's going to start singing about vans that you shouldn't be a-knockin' on.

10:26 p.m. This song is already seeping into my brain, to the point where I suspect it will be in my iTunes by this time tomorrow.

10:27 p.m. Everyone thanks radio, but the winning radio stations only get a cursory pre-commercial mention. Speaking of neglected outlets...

10:31 p.m. Oh, Kim! Your jokes about being married to Brad Paisley do not stop! Now they're about Kellie Pickler and Brad hooking up! Hilarious. No, really. This shit is gold for Father Of The Bride 3.

10:32 p.m. Kellie's hair is brushed back in such a way that it makes her look like a panelist on Match Game '76. And her earpiece is creeping me out in an "Aimee Mann's rat tail in the 'Voices Carry' video" sort of way.

10:34 p.m. What's hilarious about this stage setup is that it exactly evokes the American Idol Serious Song layout—strings stage left, piano right there. Kellie's voice actually sounds decent, in a pretty, vulnerable way. Much better than when she was on Idol.

10:35 p.m. Oh no, now she's crying! Oh, wow. Aw. Also: way to steal the spotlight from Carrie. Well played.

10:36 p.m. And we cut to Kimberly Williams looking grave. Then again, if I had to introduce Kid Rock, I wouldn't be too pleased either.

10:36 p.m. Kid Rock: Ugh.

10:37 p.m. Male Vocalist of the Year: Brad Paisley. Aww, and his wife is onstage. This is so adorable! The only way it could be better is a Martin Short run-in!

10:39 p.m. Brad Paisley: Friend of the fans, William Morris, and ASCAP. But are they his friends on MySpace?

10:45 p.m. And now ... old friends Rascal Flatts and Jamie Foxx, who portrayed "one of the greatest country singers of all time." In Ray, you know.

10:47 p.m. Oh, Gary LeVox. Never was a man more unfortunately named at a moment in time. Did you have a big glass of milk before you came on stage?

10:47 p.m. And now, here's Jamie Foxx. It's all context, you know? 15 years ago, this would have been intentionally funny. (OK OK he sounds good. But LeVox is LeOctave-Challenged.)

10:49 p.m. Wow, this is rough. A friendship of 10 years, ruined by an errant consumption of dairy! And now Jamie is freestyling and Gary can't even keep up on that.

10:54 p.m. It's Entertainer of the Year time, you guys! Which man (or group of men) will win? God, if it's Rascal Flatts after that performance ....

10:55 p.m. Kenny Chesney. Aw, Brad Paisley, it's OK. You won the Idolator vote! Not that it really counts for much of anything.

10:56 p.m. What's great about this show is how sincerely thankful everyone seems, instead of just, you know, drunk. (Not to name names of other awards shows or anything!) Kenny Chesney sells a bunch of records and he's like going to cry on stage? I don't think he took some downers before going up.

10:57 p.m. And that's it! It ends early! When does that happen on a live broadcast? Is that another sign of peoples' humility or just the fact that it's really easy to power through a show when only eight awards are given out? Either way, I feel so good, I feel like I could keep liveblogging all night! Maybe the local news will lead with that "expensive concert tickets" story...

[Photo: Getty Images. And no, that isn't Robyn. It's Kellie Pickler. I was confused at first, too!]

The Sept. 9 telecast will film at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas (site of both the infamously raunchy Real World season and the recent cast reunion) with Timbaland as its so-called music ''maestro.'' (A source close to the network confirms that Britney Spears plans to make an appearance.) And after years of endlessly repeating the ceremony — and likely diluting its viewership — the show will air just once. The traditional auditorium setup has also been scrapped. Performances and award handouts will now be captured by cameras located throughout the Palms. Executive producer Jesse Ignjatovic says the overhaul allows artists to 'do things that they wouldn't do on any other show.' Well, he is copying one show: The booze will flow as freely as at the Golden Globes.

Because nothing says "once-in-a-lifetime TV" like "watching your favorite stars get smashed outta their gourds while your ass is on your couch drinking crappy beer," right? Here's hoping that whoever gets hired to work the dump button is getting, like, triple-time, because whoever it is, they'll be going absolutely bonkers by about 30 minutes in.

MTV Faces the Music [EW]

12:55 p.m. The Making The Band finalists are singing, prompting my viewing companion, whose back is currently to the TV, to ask, "Is that Man Band?"

1:00 p.m. Damien—who doesn't even get to use his last name for the occasion—reminds us that the VMAs will be "kicking off the school year." Which is great for an event that's set in a casino.

1:02 p.m. The first nominees. The first of five new categories: Monster Single. "Girlfriend," "Home" (!??!), "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs," "Lip Gloss," "Buy You A Drank," "The Way I Are," "This Is Why I'm Hot," "Hey There Delilah," "Umbrella," and "Party Like A Rock Star." Ten nominees? Is this just a way to honor the current TRL playlist from a particular day?

1:04 p.m. Female artist. Amy Winehouse, Beyonce, Fergie, Nelly Furtado, Rihanna. Poor Lily Allen—she goes through all that at the airport and she still doesn't get a nod.

1:04 p.m. Rihanna arrives with walking stick. What a trouper!

1:05 p.m. Apparently, "playing the video" means "playing the same snippet of the song that we played when we made the nomination announcement, plus an extra verse or two."

1:08 p.m. Rihanna's foot injury revealed: She hit it into a 100-lb. chair "randomly." Her tuxedoish getup does go well with the walking stick, though.

1:09 p.m. Best New Artist? Amy Winehouse, Carrie Underwood, Gym Class Heroes, Lily Allen, and ... Peter, Bjorn & John? Was Kanye West head of the nominating committee?

1:09 p.m. Lily Allen: The U.S. "is a great country and a great place to be." Her people are sending that tape to the Immigration Dept. right now.

1:11 p.m. Commercial break No. 1 features the nominees for Best Choreography. (I was wondering how they were going to fit all these new categories in.) They are: "Beautiful Liar," "Wall To Wall," "Like A Boy," "Tambourine," and "SexyBack." Cue the "Feist was robbed" cries from the drunk-on-Peter Bjorn & John success bloggers!

1:14 p.m. "Members of the press" = four people with cameras pointed at the street in front of 1515 Broadway.

1:16 p.m. Chris Brown says that all the choreography nominees are awesome, and that he's going to basically put his performance's production values on the line at the casino. This is going to be the best back-to-school jam ever!

1:18 p.m. Damien admonishes the crowd for cheering too much before announcing the Best Group nominees: Fall Out Boy, Gym Class Heroes, Linkin Park, Maroon 5, The White Stripes. (No My Chemical Romance?)

1:19 p.m. Hey, if you watch the Video Music Awards, you'll be able to see Fall Out Boy take over the suite that was used on The Real World: Las Vegas! With Pete Wentz as Trishelle, no doubt.

1:20 p.m. Pete Wentz and Shaquille O'Neal play a game of one-on-one. Really.

1:21 p.m. Lily Allen is trying to play coy when asked to say whether or not she's performing. She also looks much more interested in the crap game in front of her than she does about the prospect of being on TV. And you can blog that to the bank!

1:24 p.m. The possibility of the commercial breaks actually having content makes this liveblog a much less pleasant experience than the ones with content-free commercial interruptions. And it's probably going to get worse, since only four categories have been announced and we've already burned through about half the show.

1:26 p.m. Also, the commercial breaks present an alternate-view VMA of sorts: Feist, the Dandy Warhols, a frenzied makeout session in a walk-in closet ... oh, that's a condom PSA.

1:27 p.m. Video of the Year—introduced by Chris Brown! Does this mean his attempt at a lower-budget "Thriller" won't be nominated? So sad.

1:28 p.m. And your nominees are: "Rehab," "Irreplaceable," "D.A.N.C.E.," "What Goes Around Comes Around," "Stronger," and "Umbrella." It probably goes without saying that the Justice nomination resulted in the smallest number of "woo"ing from the crowd.

1:29 p.m. Kanye!

1:30 p.m. Who, of course, thinks his video is the best.

1:31 p.m. Oh my God—they are actually setting up a rematch between Justice and Kanye West, after their confrontation at the European VMAs last year. And now Kanye is talking about how he's still angry about losing! Although he thinks the Justice video that "Stronger" is up against is great. Seriously, when did the VMAs become an episode of RAW written by music bloggers?

1:33 p.m. Kanye is taking questions from the press, including "Alicia" from the AP. He does not want to be in a debate with 50 Cent. "I thought that was the stupidest thing," he said of 50's challenge. So did we!

1:34 p.m. Lily Allen has terrible posture. And she is apparently the only female in Hugh Hefner's suite (ugh!) who didn't have to wear a bikini (ugh!!!).

1:37 p.m. The Best Editing nominations include that Gnarls Barkley video where they're in a bunch of different eras. This is called "being nice way, way after the fact."

1:39 p.m. Hey, MTV—it might help your ratings to not put the nominees on your site before the show's over. Sheesh.

1:40 p.m. And now, the Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration: "Smack That," "Beautiful Liar," "SexyBack," "The Sweet Escape," and, in a sop to the old people, "The Saints Are Coming." Only 40% Akon-related content in this category?

1:42 p.m. Timbaland is dancing to his own song. He is this year's "maestro," which means he will do all the music, including remixes. Can't wait for the Celine Dion/Axl Rose surprise duet.

1:43 p.m. Lily Allen looks incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. She just stifled a yawn.

1:45 p.m. Male artist: Akon, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Robin Thicke, and T.I. Lily thinks that T.I. is the "baddest man there is," which provides the perfect introduction for the preppied-out Robin Thicke.

1:47 p.m. A webcam interviewer asks Robin Thicke a question. 1999, your moment is now.

1:48 p.m. Timbaland is speaking verrry slowwwwly and deliiiiiberately, like he has no idea what to say. Or he just woke up. Or both!

1:51 p.m. Best Director nominees: "Beautiful Liar," "Candy Man," "Justin and Scarlett Make Out," "Stronger," "What I've Done," and "Umbrella." All the "Beautiful Liar" nominations are starting to smell really fishy to me. Also, hello, where's My Chemical Romance??? Did Gerard Way run over some MTV executive's dog?

1:55 p.m. The crummy "ironic white guy" rap group Team Facelift are apparently MTV's official new promo go-to guys. Wait, I think that the lead guy tried to friend me on Facebook last week ... oops.

1:56 p.m. The Quadruple Threat Award nominees: Beyonce, Bono, Jay-Z, Justin Timberlake, and Kanye West.

1:57 p.m. A surprise live performance! Timbaland is talking weird! He is sooooo stoned right now.

1:57 p.m. Once again, Kanye West is backed by a string section, which sounds great ... just standing there.

1:59 p.m. Is it really a surprise performance if the guest in question has been on the show for half the broadcast? Also, where can I get the backup singer's giant-sized version of the plastic chain-link charm necklaces that I wore back in sixth grade?

2:01 p.m. Oh, it's Common, who I guess didn't let not getting nominated stop him from making a crucial promotional appearance on some prime mid-afternoon MTV.

2:02 p.m. And the show ends, and for the first time all afternoon, Lily Allen cracks an actual smile. And I'm already dreading Sept. 9! Here's hoping I can get a press credential!

We're not sure if we are, either, but that doesn't mean anything in the as-it-happens world of live-blogging. Join us for updates after the jump.

7:52 p.m. The anticipation is building. Can you feel it?

7:55 p.m. Also, if anyone would like to leave Mets-Braves updates in the comments section, we would be eternally grateful. Seriously.

8:00 p.m. "100,000 down, two to go"? Calm down, Ryan.

8:01 p.m. Please don't let Katharine McPhee speak for all women. That "Open Toes" song is just the worst.

8:02 p.m. Randy Jackson: Styling by Moonwalker.

8:03 p.m. OMG RYAN SAID BITCH HE IS SO FIRED

8:03 p.m. The songwriting contest winner came from Seattle, too? Let's hope it's the Candlebox guy.

8:03 p.m. Also: Supertramp in the background. The revival is nigh, people!

8:06 p.m. Aw, remember the Seattle auditions? We've all grown so much since then. Except Jordin, of course, because she's only 17! (Cue the Winger.)

8:08 p.m. A great tie-in: Having one of the Idols (well, okay, Blake) sing that song by the 88s. Could you imagine?

8:09