ONE-LISTEN VERDICT: Girl, you're lonely and you think nobody understands your pain. But you're wrong. Akon understands. And Michael Jackson? He understands too. So just take their hands and let them fly you away from all this misery. For if there's one place you'll be happy, it's resting safely with Akon and Michael Jackson on the serene island paradise that is this sweet, forgettable "Don't Matter"-esque ballad. And once R. Kelly gets a whiff of the track, I'm sure he'll come diving into the hot tub on the remix. ("Hold my hand toooo!") Darius Rucker will probably have to wait for the mash-up.

WHERE TO FIND IT: All over YouTube.

Friend of Idolator Eric Harvey demolishes this point pretty well (seriously, has any techno-utopianist actually watched more than the top 1% of the "user-generated content" they're so quick to rhapsodize about? especially all the pieces of it that are 100% reliant on "bloated" mainstream media's products?), pointing out that music videos as a medium are really dead because, surprise, there are fewer outlets for them to be broadcast in full than there were 10 or 15 years ago. So I won't rehash his point, although I will point out that the one-minute snippets of videos on those remix/reruns of FNMTV don't really count as "broadcast in full." Instead, I'll run down a few videos that are really, truly, full of hot air and gas—overly grandiose money pits that aren't just a little too "artsy," which is the word that I think Thill was actually going for, but that actually, from a distance, resemble flaming piles of cash. And yeah, they may be obvious, but apparently we need to be super-obvious these days so as not to get run over by those people who think that because they're on the Internet, they invented the entire world.

5. Meat Loaf, "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"

The parenthetical in the title only adds to that bloat.

4. 2Pac, "California Love"

Eric nominated this mini-Thunderdome extravaganza, for obvious reasons.

3. Britney Spears, "Toxic"

Sure, the song is undeniable, but this clip seems more like an excuse to try out new nipple-obscuring technologies than anything else.

2. Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson, "Scream"

This video cost $7 million in 1995 dollars. Which is $9,675,434.17 in 2007 dollars, and probably over the $10 million mark in right-now dollars, what with the price of oil shooting up on a daily basis.

1. "Weird Al" Yankovic, "Fat"

This definitely qualifies as "bloated." Plus I can never get enough of the "yo, Ding Dong, man" part.

Is There Even A Middle Ground Anymore [marathonpacks]
Meat Loaf - I would do anything for love [YouTube]
2Pac - California Love [YouTube]
Britney Spears - Toxic [DailyMotion]
Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson - Scream [DailyMotion]
Weird Al Yankovic, "Fat" [DailyMotion]

With Fall Out Boy's cover of Michael Jackson's "Beat It" a top iTunes hit, and the group's Pete Wentz saying they'll make a video to go along with it, lots of people are wondering what the video will be like. Well, we get word that the group's going all out — with an homage to the former King of Pop's library of past videos.



Casting was in full swing last week for a bunch of familiar-sounding figures, including various dancers, jump-roping girls, sumo wrestlers, nerds and "a hot Puerto Rican girl."

It sounds like too much of a casserole, frankly, so we propose a clip based on one specific Michael Jackson video, namely "Leave Me Alone." The band would cruise through a cavernous underwater museum full of paparazzi, rhinoplasty exhibits, childhood photos of the Simpson clan, and a dancing Ryan Cabrera before FOB is shot out of what's revealed to be Ashlee Simpson's crotch. The defiant Ashlee would then rise and shake off the imprisoning rollercoaster track while the band—joined by a pet monkey—flies off into the sky.

Pete Wentz and Fall Out Boy Readies Video Homage to Michael Jackson Classics [National Ledger Via Absolute Punk]

Marlon Jackson, 51, an original Jackson Five member who stocks shelves at a Vons supermarket in San Diego, had to temporarily move into an extended-stay hotel.

Randy, 46, does odd jobs, including fixing cars in a Los Angeles garage owned by a family friend. He recently claimed Michael was going to give him $1.7 million - "a pipe dream," said another brother last week.

Jackie, 56, the oldest and most debonair of the brothers, is struggling to manage his son Siggy's aspiring rap career after an Internet clothing business startup and attempts to produce music failed.

Jermaine, 54, shuttles back and forth from his girlfriend's home in Ventura County, Calif., to his parents' mansion in Encino, where Jackie and Randy still bunk.

Tito, 55, is the only brother still making music, but it's a meager living. The guitarist fronts a blues and jazz band that plays small venues and nets him $500 and $1,500 per occasional gig - a far cry from the days when the Jacksons could pull in 50,000 people at $30 a ticket.

Family patriarch Joseph Jackson, 79, spends most of his waking hours conjuring up schemes he hopes will replenish a bank account that once had more money than the FDIC cared to insure. Peddling musical girl groups in Las Vegas and a book about his family in Germany, Joseph, despite evidence to the contrary, is not convinced that time and the music industry have passed him by.

"We can get back out there and set the world on fire," he told The Post last week. "If the Rolling Stones can still rake in the money, so, too, can my boys."

(See? Crazy!)

Well, they probably wouldn't be able to rake in much without Michael, who's cited in the Post story as treating his brothers like absolute garbage—not paying them for their appearance at his 30th-anniversary concerts in 2001, keeping their albums in label limbo after he signed them to his label MJJ Records. Given that he's been having his own problems lately maybe he'd give his family another chance to get back into his good graces—and his relatively high drawing power—as a sort of pre-50th-birthday peace offering. Anyone want to see if Jermaine Dupri can come in as family counselor?

JACKO CLAN IN A DEEP FUNK [NYP]

In Britain, Sony BMG executives videotaped professional dancers in everyday settings — like the Tube and a Tesco supermarket. The results had a gritty street reality that mirrored amateur tributes like the video made in a Filipino prison, where more than a 1,000 orange-suited inmates performed "Thriller" as their daily exercise. That clip has been viewed more 11 million times on YouTube, about twice as many times as Mr. Jackson's original version on that site.

"It's really guerrilla marketing," said Roger Menz, vice president for international strategic marketing for Sony BMG. "You go in, do your thing and leave as fast as you can. There was never any intention to hand out leaflets and say 'Thriller' is coming out again. It's just bringing 'Thriller' back in the minds of people, but without the hard sell."

Sony BMG is claiming that the stunt worked, too, reminding people who may not have been alive in 1983 that "Thriller" was not only able to make people dance on command, it was in stores in a deluxe 25th-anniversary edition. But surely I'm not the only one who thinks that performing the "Thriller" dance in the Tube has sort of screwed the pooch when it comes to virally marketing the no-doubt-forthcoming reissue of Bad:

Dancers in the crowd bring back 'Thriller' [NYT]

The reason for this is: Jackson bought Neverland for between $12 million and $14 million back in 1988. If it sells for the full amount owed, $24.5 million, there's a conceivable difference of $10 million.

According to California law, Jackson would then be taxed on that money as if he'd sold the property and it was income. According to a California state-sponsored Web site, www.ftb.ca.gov, Jackson would be liable for this money. A ballpark figure could be as much as $5 million.

Ouch. Any well-to-do Idolator readers wishing to spare Jackson 240 million dimes (give or take 50 million) should take note that if Jackson fails to pay, the auction is now set for March 19 on "the steps of the Santa Barbara County courthouse" in sunny California. Prospective buyers should bring "cashier's checks for the amount they want to offer" and several spray bottles of Febreze in the scent of their choice.

Can Michael Jackson Find 11th Hour Help? [Fox 411]

"You are in default of a deed of trust ...," Jackson was told in the five-page filing, according to a copy of the document published by FoxNews.com. "Unless you take action to protect your property it may be sold at a public sale."
According to the documents, if Jackson fails to pay the outstanding balance, estimated at $24.5 million, Neverland would be sold to the highest bidder at a public auction on the courthouse steps.

Despite always wanting my home to include both a ferris wheel that hasn't been serviced in three years and the general vibe of the Overlook Hotel, it's doubtful I'll be able to afford a Neverland of my own, but maybe only a handful of prospective auctioneers will bother showing up to the courthouse that day? Public auction probably a good idea, too, if only to avoid faked-login confusion so the bank's not left holding the llama pens.

Michael Jackson Faces Forced Sale Of Neverland [Reuters/Photo: AP]

Which leaves Thriller at No. 2 on Billboard's Comprehensive Chart—the listing of top-selling albums that combines current albums and catalog albums, and that was last covered in this space during the whole Eagles/Britney kerfuffle—leading some to wonder whether or not that chart, instead of the arcane-rule-filled Billboard 200, should become the "official" chart that gets cited by the media in these cases. Given that the catalog/"new" divide is one of the few things separating the two charts—and the resurgence of catalog albums is becoming more and more of a story these days, as evidenced by the post-Super Bowl Tom Petty rush—I'm starting to wonder if that shouldn't become the case.

And besides, as Chris Molanphy noted to me yesterday, shouldn't Sony be happy that the old and new sales of Jackson's most famous album are being smooshed together? At the very least, it gives Thriller to retake the highest-selling album of all time mantle back from the Eagles' greatest-hits collection, an outcome that any right-thinking person should want.

Michael Jackson's Label Has A Chart Attack Over 'Thriller 25' [NYDN]
'Thriller' Blocked From The Pop Chart [The Set List]

• Michael Jackson will appear onstage at Sunday night's ceremony, but he has apparently "won a stare-down" against the producers, who wanted him to perform a medley of reworked Thriller hits. So instead, he'll just... stand around? Wave his glove in the air? Who knows. The upside: The chance of an Akon appearance just dropped by about 66%. [Rush & Molloy]
• In news that is sure to excite the Oprah crowd, Andrea Bocelli and Josh Groban are going to duet on a Celine Dion song. Also, Fergie is performing with John Legend and John Fogerty is going to share a stage with Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis. [Centre Daily]
• Amy Winehouse went to the US embassy in London yesterday in order to secure a visa for travel to the States; while her dad doesn't want her to perform because of her fragile state, her label and Grammy organizers are hoping she'll show up. Because they care that much. (NB: I don't think reporting this bit of news breaks our Winehouse embargo; Jess disagrees.) [E!]
[Photo: AP]

Imagine, for a moment, you're in promotions at Sony/BMG, and you're trying to stoke interest in the 25th-anniversary edition of Michael Jackson's Thriller. This isn't the first time you guys have rereleased the record, and with Michael coming up on his 50th birthday, you've got your work cut out to make him look relevant.

Sure, the obvious move is lining up some current acts to help Jacko remix those classic tracks—like bringing in Akon to rethink "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'." While you're at it, try convincing the Grammy people to let Michael perform on the show (what the hell, they need ratings and hey, you can't guarantee that Michael won't have a Britney-in-Vegas-style meltdown...). But then you think:

You know what would really seal it? If we could get a current act...somebody really hot...to sample something from Thriller and have a big, fat hit with it. Like, Justin biting "Billie Jean"...or Jigga rapping over "Thriller"...or something. I mean, Kanye sampling "P.Y.T." was helpful, but that record peaked months ago. We need something hot right now, just as we're dropping the disc...

And then, like a table-dancing angel from above, Rihanna answers your prayers.

Right at the start of February, and less than two weeks before the heavy sell for Thriller '08 begins, Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music"—"Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" sample and all—elbows into the Top Five on Billboard's Hot 100. And in the same week, the Sony-sanctioned remix of "Wanna," featuring Akon, pops onto the Hot 100 at No. 81.

You'd call this "synergy" if it weren't just an amazing coincidence. Rihanna is on Island/Def Jam, whose übermachers aren't exactly interested in assisting Sony-BMG with its promotional priorities. Jackson's label just got incredibly lucky.

Add to that the fact that "Don't" probably should've been a hit months ago. Originally slated as the third single from Good Girl Gone Bad—the video debuted on BET last July, and it topped charts across Europe last fall—"Don't" was bumped at the last minute in the U.S. for the Ne-Yo ballad "Hate That I Love You." Frankly, "Don't" is so mind-bogglingly catchy, it probably should've been the second single, following up the monster "Umbrella"; it has already out-charted both "Hate" (peak: No. 7) and second single "Shut Up and Drive" (peak: No. 15). Weirdly, it's as if the album's second-largest hit was held back to benefit Michael.

Which it wasn't. But if Mr. Jackson knows what's good for him, he'll pay a respectful visit to Rihanna's row at the Grammys and follow up with a crater-load of fruit baskets.

Here's a quick rundown of the rest of this week's charts:

• No, you're not imagining it—Flo Rida's "Low" really is following you everywhere. After six weeks at No. 1 and more than 2.2 million digital downloads, the song's had one small handicap: radio. Alicia Keys' "No One" wouldn't budge from the top of the Hot 100 Airplay chart, but after 14 weeks, her inescapable ballad finally cedes the top spot. Now, "Low" is officially the most-played song in America—like you didn't already suspect that.

• It took more than three months, but Britney Spears' "Piece of Me" is finally a Top 20 single: up three spots to No. 18. And that's based on sales and airplay that came before the latest law enforcement-assisted hospitalization. Next week: Top 10?

• Lupe Fiasco has his first Top 40 hit with "Superstar" (feat. Matthew Santos), up a whopping 24 spots to No. 36. First blogger to cry "sellout" wins...

• Foo Fighters kinda-sorta defeat Linkin Park on this week's Modern Rock chart. It looked like last week's No. 2, LP's U2 homage "Shadow of the Day," would be the song to evict Seether's "Fake It" from No. 1, but instead the Foos' "Long Road to Ruin" sneaks up to No. 2 and is poised to take the top rung. Seether has been No. 1 on Modern Rock for six weeks and on Mainstream Rock for (no joke) 13.

• Speaking of Modern Rock, in case you've got any remaining doubts about just how sleepy this format has become, last week Rise Against set a new record for slowest climb into the Top 10. "The Good Left Undone" reached the... um, winners' circle in its 30th chart week. It creamed the previous record-holder: 2006's "All the Same" by Sick Puppies took a mere 25 weeks to make the Top 10.

• On the R&B/Hip-Hop chart, there's a race of divas raring to evict Alicia Keys from No. 1, and Keyshia Cole has the edge, up one to No. 2. (You can tell both it and Mary J. Blige's "Just Fine" are hot on R&B radio, because they knock J. Holiday's "Suffocate" down to No. 4 from No. 2, even though the latter is gaining in strength and has a bullet.)

• The R&B/Hip-Hop song that won't die is Justin Timberlake's "Until the End of Time." It just fell out of the Top 10 last week after 20 weeks in there (it debuted last April and peaked at No. 3 back in October), and this week it's back up one notch to No. 13. Never underestimate urban radio programmers' love for an old-school slow jam.

• Finally, the top Ringtone is Henry Mancini's "Pink Panther Theme." It retakes No. 1 from Soulja Boy's "Crank That," after about five months of kids letting their phones Superman that ho.

Top 10s
Last week's position and total weeks charted in parentheses:

Hot 100
1. Flo Rida feat. T-Pain, "Low" (LW No. 1, 14 weeks)
2. Alicia Keys, "No One" (LW No. 2, 21 weeks)
3. Chris Brown, "With You" (LW No. 4, 9 weeks)
4. Timbaland feat. OneRepublic, "Apologize" (LW No. 3, 26 weeks)
5. Rihanna, "Don't Stop the Music" (LW No. 7, 10 weeks)
6. Fergie, "Clumsy" (LW No. 5, 16 weeks)
7. Sean Kingston, "Take You There" (LW No. 8, 13 weeks)
8. Snoop Dogg, "Sensual Seduction" (LW No. 11, 9 weeks)
9. Sara Bareilles, "Love Song" (LW No. 10, 13 weeks)
10. Chris Brown feat. T-Pain, "Kiss Kiss" (LW No. 6, 20 weeks)

Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs
1. Alicia Keys, "Like You'll Never See Me Again" (LW No. 1, 14 weeks)
2. Keyshia Cole, "I Remember" (LW No. 3, 13 weeks)
3. Mary J. Blige, "Just Fine" (LW No. 4, 18 weeks)
4. J. Holiday, "Suffocate" (LW No. 2, 17 weeks)
5. Trey Songz, "Can't Help But Wait" (LW No. 6, 25 weeks)
6. Snoop Dogg, "Sensual Seduction" (LW No. 5, 12 weeks)
7. Webbie, Lil' Phat & Lil' Boosie, "Independent" (LW No. 7, 15 weeks)
8. Mario, "Cryin' Out for Me" (LW No. 11, 22 weeks)
9. Chris Brown, "With You" (LW No. 9, 9 weeks)
10. Flo Rida feat. T-Pain, "Low" (LW No. 10, 19 weeks)

Hot Country Songs
1. Brad Paisley, "Letter to Me" (LW No. 1, 16 weeks)
2. Rascal Flatts, "Winner at a Losing Game" (LW No. 2, 16 weeks)
3. Gary Allan, "Watching Airplanes" (LW No. 7, 28 weeks)
4. Billy Ray Cyrus with Miley Cyrus, "Ready, Set, Don't Go" (LW No. 8, 27 weeks)
5. Montgomery Gentry, "What Do Ya Think About That" (LW No. 3, 28 weeks)
6. Taylor Swift, "Our Song" (LW No. 5, 24 weeks)
7. Rodney Atkins, "Cleaning This Gun (Come on in Boy)" (LW No. 10, 19 weeks)
8. Keith Urban, "Everybody" (LW No. 6, 23 weeks)
9. Kenny Chesney with George Strait, "Shiftwork" (LW No. 9, 15 weeks)
10. Sugarland, "Stay" (LW No. 4, 20 weeks)

Hot Modern Rock Tracks
1. Seether, "Fake It" (LW No. 1, 22 weeks)
2. Foo Fighters, "Winner at a Losing Game" (LW No. 3, 14 weeks)
3. Linkin Park, "Shadow of the Day" (LW No. 2, 17 weeks)
4. Foo Fighters, "The Pretender" (LW No. 4, 26 weeks)
5. Paramore, "crushcrushcrush" (LW No. 8, 11 weeks)
6. Serj Tankian, "Empty Walls" (LW No. 5, 20 weeks)
7. Avenged Sevenfold, "Almost Easy" (LW No. 7, 17 weeks)
8. Chevelle, "I Get It" (LW No. 6, 28 weeks)
9. Finger Eleven, "Paralyzer" (LW No. 9, 50 [yes, 50!] weeks)
10. Rise Against, "The Good Left Undone" (LW No. 10, 31 weeks)

"On top of all the fantastic new tracks there are many things in the works that we are going to do to make 2008 truly the year of THRILLER," according to the SONY-BMG memo traffic. Specifically mentioned: Grammy involvement (as in Michael Jackson will appear - and maybe sing?) - A planned TV special (featuring just Michael or the long discussed reunion with his brothers?) and potential live shows. Hmmmmmm. Wonder what they mean by that and who might be scheduled to perform at these live shows? Watch for involvement with YouTube, Facebook, iLike, iTunes, I've learned.

Dimond has since told the LA Times' Tom O'Neil that she's 90% certain that Michael will show up at the awards ceremony, although whether or not he'll sing is still up in the air. Last time he showed up at an awards show, the results were, well, somewhat awkward, but part of me is holding out hope for Michael to return to his former glory, and maybe start off his comeback slowly—perhaps by lending a few "mama se, mama sa"s to Rihanna and the Time's performance of "Don't Stop The Music," and keeping Fergie and will.i.am far, far away.

Can Michael Jackson still sing? [DianeDimond.net]
Report: Jacko will be backo at the Grammys [Gold Derby]

"Live" Blog This YouTube: The Jackson Five NYE Bash [soulbounce.com]

The British publication Now is reporting that Jacko could get £30 million from the shows, which he has been "getting into shape" for. (And yes, I know that the video up top is a little, uh, old, considering the "shape" Michael's in now, but a) "Don't Stop" is one of his best songs ever and b) did you really want me to post a picture of him with Post-It Nose for "authenticity"?)

Michael Jackson to get £30 million for 02 tour? [Now via Bossip]
Michael Jackson - Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough [YouTube]

ONE-LISTEN VERDICT: "Remixing" or "updating" or "mauling" Thriller is pointless/infuriating out the box, so best to assess these new versions of MJ's classics by will.i.am, Akon, Fergie, and Kanye West (released to coincide with the album's 25th anniversary) for what they are. The hump-happy results can easily blind you to what a great producer will.i.am can be, and while his slap-bass and Euro-house synth rewrites of "The Girl Is Mine" and "P.Y.T" sound garish as hell next to the originals, they'd make excellent pop radio singles circa 2007. Similarly, Akon's "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' " is passable once you get through the Bruce Hornsby piano and chintzy synth horns of the intro, and an obviously awed Kanye merely adds chunky drums and clouds of strings to the original synth hook and bass twang of "Billie Jean." Fergie's "Beat It," however, is just as horrific as you may have imagined, the original with Fergie copied and pasted in like a leathery Natalie Cole. Her awkward, husky intrusions point up the chief redundancy of these remixes: Do we really need other voices, especially when its will.i.am talking about peeling panties "like a tangerine," competing with Michael?

WHERE TO LET FERGIE KICK YOU AND BEAT YOU AND TELL YOU IT'S FAIR: The Leak Source, if you dare.

Island president of Urban music Jermaine Dupri plans to bring the newly reunited Jackson 5 (Michael, Marlon, Jermaine, Tito and Jackie) to Atlanta for his big New Year's bash at Studio 72. This means nothing to anyone under the age of 35 who don't have a clue how huge the Jackson were to young black kids growing up in the 70s. If Jermaine can make it happen he will be the king - bigger than Jay Z, bigger than Kanye West, bigger than God.

Jermaine made the surprise announcement on his radio show on V-103 over the weekend. He plans to empty out the club as the Jackson 5 descend from the sky in a helicopter. The Jackson 5 will then join sister Janet Jackson and Jermaine as they enter the club.

Hmm. Well, it's not as if every band that was ever even popular for a licketysplit isn't reuniting in the current climate, but why do I get the feeling that the Jackson 5 who are going to "descend from the sky" are really going to just be cardboard cutouts of the boys' cartoon versions? Perhaps the $50 advance ticket price for "A Jackson 5 New Year's Eve" is one of the reasons I'm so skeptical.

A Jackson 5 New Year's Eve [ticketannex.com]
Audio: Jermaine Dupri Brings The Jackson 5 To Atlanta [sandrarose.com]
Jackson 5 Announcement [ZShare]

He said: "Michael will be involved. We want to tour. We want to touch the lives of everybody who's bought our records and supported us. It will probably start here first, but it will be sometime in 2008. That's our plan..."

"We feel we have to give you back so much. So that's why we feel we have to do it one more time. We owe that to the fans and to the public. There have been meetings and talks and we are still in those meetings putting everything back together as well as being back in the studio."

Jackson went on to thank "all the fans and the supporters of my family all over Europe, all over the UK especially, who came out to show their love and their support" during "all the hurdles that we all were faced with during Michael's trial." We were worried that, if and when the Led Zeppelin reunion was officially confirmed or denied, we'd be hurting for more unending reunion tour speculation, so thank you, Jermaine, for coming through in a pinch.

Michael Jackson To Tour With Jackson 5 [Gigwise]

The Leak Source has pictures of Michael Jackson's Bruce Weber shoot for L'Uomo Vogue, which is in honor of (gulp) the 25th anniversary of Thriller. Jackson—who looks kind of OK, all things considered—has a new designer of choice in Roberto Cavalli, and the clothier seems to have dispensed with the boarding-school buckles that Jackson's favored over the years ... in favor of sequins:

Michael Jackson Goes Vogue And It Doesn't Involve Madonna [The Leak Source]

"I'm starting on Whitney's project," he said. "She's the truth. She's undeniable. She's got so much to think about, sing about. This album is going to be one of the biggest albums she decided to put out. She has so much energy, so much happiness and sadness to incorporate into the album. Her voice is strong enough to deliver any message she wants to sing to the world. It's outta here."

Silly Akon! You can't just Auto-Tune the crack out of someone!

Akon Raves About Working With Michael Jackson, Madonna, Whitney Houston [MTV]

The 1995 hit, Jackson's last U.S. No. 1, was credited to R. Kelly, who also produced the song. But the appeals court backed a suit by Belgian composers Danny and Eddy van Passel that they were the original writers of the song.

The court said Jackson's song was a clear copy of "If We Can Start All Over," composed by the van Passel brothers two years earlier. It ruled that the brothers are now entitled to all writing royalties R. Kelly generated for the song.

The ruling ends a 12-year legal battle for the composers, who were backed by Belgian authors' rights group SABAM, whose own analysis of the song found that "the largest part of the melody is identical."

No. 1 (and mad royalties) or not, I'd like to hope the Big R. will be okay with having this glutinous hack work stricken from his resume. And if only I can find something to strike that half-naked Michael from my brain.

Belgians Win Jackson Song Dispute [Billboard]

Artist: Franz Nicolay of the Hold Steady
Favorite Bad Album: The Carpenters, Singles 1969-1981
Why?: "No one wears their naked neediness and colossal codependency on their sleeves like the Carpenters."
Should He Be Ashamed?: No, not really. Nicolay's case for the duo's music makes their over-arranged, sad-sack ballads sound like something that would likely get a fawning review on Pitchfork these days.

Artist: Marcus Congleton of Ambulance LTD
Favorite Bad Album: Michael Jackson, Invincible
Why?: "Those of us who weren't so easily distracted were rewarded with some of the most expensively produced and carefully mixed songs of his career. And there was even a video that featured comedian Chris Tucker, who was popular at the time."
Should He Be Ashamed?: Oh God, yes. Congleton's dispassionate comments sound more like an airtight case against the drab, lifeless album. And we really, really don't need to be reminded about that Chris Tucker thing, alright?

Artist: Battles
Favorite Bad Album: Stone Temple Pilots, Purple
Why?: "It's been hard to understand why Stone Temple Pilots get a bad rap when so many of their contemporaries were much worse—here's looking at you, Pearl Jam."
Should They Be Ashamed?: Definitely not. STP may have been careerists, but they were ace songwriters, and Purple is their finest hour. That said, Battles—and I assume it's the entire band, since there's no particular member credited—ought to take it easy with the Pearl Jam hate. They may not have been nearly as glam, but they were pretty great too.

Artist: Felix White of the Maccabees
Favorite Bad Album: Mike & the Mechanics, Hits
Why?: "I remember my dad having friends 'round when I was about 10, all sitting at the table listening to "The Living Years," with the lyrics "Say it loud, say it clear/You can listen as well as you hear"; and they were all going, "I love this." I thought to myself, Shit, I really shouldn't be enjoying this, too."
Should He Be Ashamed?: Yes. I can relate to the childhood sentimentality, but even when I was an eight-year-old fan of Invisible Touch, I knew that Mike Rutherford was the wackest member of Genesis.

Our Favorite Musicians' Favorite Bad Albums [Blender.com]

No, Billie Jean was groundbreaking because it introduced the idea that a single must be accompanied by a high-production video - preferably by someone who is a bit of a hoofer - thereby transforming a run-of-the-mill song release into an "event"...it launched the Michael Jackson era, a period in which the entire population of the planet made a group decision to follow the career of one star and one star only. This was an era in which a fabulously gifted performer like Prince was forced into a distant second-fiddle role, because even though Prince could dance, he couldn't dance like Michael Jackson. Jackson's all-encompassing appeal was something that had never happened before in the history of pop music...

This was the first time that a song had been upstaged by the performance of a song, creating a peculiar situation where no one really had any interest in hearing the song unless they could simultaneously watch the song being performed.

Later he confuses a studio with a set and claims that "More thought went into the production of this single than would go into the entire recording careers of Axl Rose, Coldplay, Shania Twain or Gwen Stefani," which I guess is a longer way of saying that he hasn't listened to music since 1986. Have fun!

How Billie Jean changed the world [Guardian]

The popular 40/40 Club, co-owned by Jay-Z and two business partners, has danced around licensing rules to entertain clubgoers with "unauthorized public performance of musical compositions," according to a lawsuit filed yesterday in Manhattan federal court.

Broadcast Music Inc. led the charge on behalf of Jackson and more than a dozen artists and music publishing companies, seeking unspecified damages for copyright infringement from the club and co-owners Desiree Gonzalez - who has the primary responsibility for operations and management - and Juan Perez.

Jay-Z, whose real name is Shawn Carter, is not named.

Jacko's "Billie Jean" and "Don't Stop," "Thoia Thoing" by R. Kelly and "Gold Digger" by Kanye West, Ray Charles and Renald Richard, were among seven unlicensed songs played at the club during a random visit by a BMI researcher on two nights in March 2006.

Even singer Pharrell Williams, who has frequently collaborated with Jay-Z in the past, was not immune - his song "Touch" was also played without license.

BMI spokesman Jerry Bailey said the company holds the licensing rights to 6.5 million songs - roughly half those played in the United States - and has tried unsuccessfully to license the 40/40 Club since it opened in 2003. The lavish sports bar and lounge on West 25th Street boasts a $4 million multi-level space with dozens of televisions to view sporting events, and several private VIP rooms.

We're not sure why the club has held out for so long, especially given the fact that roughly half of its gossip-page mentions involve musicians—although it could be another indicator of its pattern of cheapness, at least when it comes to paying people. If only BMI's complaint involved all Jay-Z songs (or at least one)—the other owners might have at least realized that their holding out was making meetings a little bit awkward.

JACKO VERSUS JAY-Z [NYP]

The Jacksons Auction [liveauctioneers.com]

MICHAEL Jackson may finally be getting rid of Neverland. The self-titled King of Pop quietly put the sprawling, 2,700-acre Santa Barbara estate on the market several years ago to help pay off $200 million in debt - but there were no takers for the tacky ranch until now. According to insiders, distressed debt guru Bill Huff is in serious negotiations to buy the property which includes a zoo, a movie theater and an amusement park. While Jackson wanted $50 million originally, Huff will likely pay something closer to $20 million. Our source said Huff "wants to tear Neverland down and develop the land." Huff didn't return calls. Raymone Bain, Jackson's rep, denied Neverland is for sale: "This is not true." Wacko Jacko packed up his three children and left Neverland for good in 2005, after it was raided by investigators looking for evidence in child molestation allegations against Jackson, charges on which he was later acquitted.

We're guessing Mr. Huff is indeed very, very distressed these days. Have you ever tried to unload a cotton-candy grotto in a declining housing market?

NEVERLAND SELLING CHEAP? [Page Six]