Ketchup: Ubiquitous, generally well-liked.
Key characteristics: Universally accepted as great background music; can be played at a party frequented by many different-minded souls with minimal complaint; informal surveys of friends will reveal that most people own at least one of their "essential" albums, but rarely own their entire discography.
Sample artists: Weezer, Air, Kelly Clarkson.
When they're past their sell-by date: When they're liked by almost too many people. (Think Dave Matthews.)

Mustard: Popular in its original form, but also available in spicy variations.
Key characteristics:Masters of reinvention; have found mainstream success with one genre of music, but can’t wait to go all Dijon and become something entirely different; tend to find success in most everything they do, to the chagrin of safe-but-steady ketchup bands.
Sample artists: Damon Albarn, Ne-Yo, Justin Timberlake.
When they're past their sell-by date: When they take it one step too far and become children’s book authors.

Ranch Dressing: It's kind of gross, and did you know it has, like, 1,000 calories? Eww—wait, is that a Sam's Club-sized bottle of ranch in your fridge? Busted.
Key characteristics: The aural equivalent of a band that turns your fancy baby spinach and endive salad into a cheeseburger; few people will admit to liking them, yet singalongs to their music are commonplace; classic bands of this ilk are popular sources for ironic T-shirt wearing.
Sample artists: Ultravox, Cobra Starship, Carrie Underwood.
When they're past their sell-by date: When a snoopy friend discovers their songs in your iTunes library. (This is why I keep such acts in a secret folder known as “Hidden Valley.”)

Pesto: Are you going to buy it on your own? No. Do you enjoy it on a $20 sandwich at a restaurant? Yes.
Key characteristics: Highbrow critics swear by them; they are cited as an influence by many mainstream musicians; their sections at your local record store are accompanied by breathless two-index-card treatises on their genius; someone in the band has been rumored to be mentally unstable, resulting in long gaps between releases.
Sample artists: Scott Walker (Scott 4 through The Drift), Patti Smith, My Bloody Valentine.
When they're past their sell-by date: The inevitable reunion tour, which is risky, and could turn them into a creamier pesto… a sort of ranch, some might say.

Wish-Bone Salad Spritzers: That new spray-on salad dressing looks totally cool, and it's only 10 calories per squirt. I should try it…one day.
Key characteristics: Frequently cited as “brilliant” and “life-changing”; it’s a burden on your life that you have never tried to get into them; when dropped into a conversation, you say you’ve "heard of them but haven’t heard them."
Sample artists:Death Cab For Cutie, Bright Eyes, The Shins.
When they're past their sell-by date: When you get called out for faking affection toward them.

Newman’s Own: The critics and masses alike adored him, and he's versatile enough to have put out a whole line of his own condiments.
Ingredients: Think ketchup, but with fans that think they are the bombolina because they possess a rare combination of talent and success.
Sample artists: Radiohead, The Roots, Bjork.
When they're past their sell-by date: When they reach a little too far in trying to have it both ways, and do things like collaborate with with Timbaland. (I’m looking at you, Bjork.)

One commenter thought that Newman's Own bands should also include musicians who perform various charitable acts. But if a band or musician has become famous enough to really make a difference in the world through charity work, the possibility for backlash is inevitable. Which brings me to my final pop condiment classification.

Miracle Whip: Sure, its name makes it sound impressive. But is it really capable of anything close to a miracle?
Ingredients: Overexposure; less time devoted to music because of meetings with various world leaders about peace; incipient God complex; wire stories about "political" asides at concerts; tendencies toward writing "messages" on own skin with Sharpies.
Sample artists: Coldplay, U2, Kanye West.
When they're past their sell-by date: Miracle Whip bands have got that gooey stuff around the lid and everything, and you should probably throw them out. But they’ll stay in the fridge door of popular opinion forever.

1. The Beastie Boys
followed by...

Unwilling to repeat themselves after the left-field success of Check Your Head, the Beastie Boys wander through abortive sessions with Mix Master Mike, Lee Perry, Q-Tip, Miho Hatori, and others while promoting Tibetan Freedom Festivals, running Grand Royal, and raising families; Adam Horowitz's glitchy BS-2000 and the peculiar Country Mike's Greatest Hits make fans both curious and excited for what the group might eventually return with. Finally, after over a decade of waiting, Capitol Records and a nation of expectant stoners are blessed with... The Mix-Up.

2. Aerosmith
followed by...

Following the departure of Joe Perry during the recording of A Night In The Ruts, Steven Tyler descends further into chemical dependency, unable to complete sessions with new guitarists for several years. After his recovery from addiction in the mid-'80s, he is hesitant to return to life in the fast lane, preferring to raise his family and promote anti-drug campaigns. Finally, the original lineup returns with 1997's Nine Lives, where a new generation, unprimed by Wayne's World and Alicia Silverstone videos, is introduced to a group of decrepit transvestites screaming "Falling In Love (Is So Hard On The Knees)."

3. Grateful Dead
followed by...

Despite the success of Wake Of The Flood, things aren't the same for the Dead after the death of Ron "Pigpen" McKernan, and the band decides to abstain from the touring circuit. Attempts to hone a new sound are hindered by a series of exploding keyboardists, but the group finally returns to the limelight with 1989's Built To Last. Then another keyboardist dies, and the band says "fuck it." Meanwhile, Trey Anastasio is happily playing in a Creedence Clearwater Revival cover band in Vermont, just happy that he doesn't have to hold down a day job.

4. David Bowie
followed by...

After releasing Pin-Ups (itself The Spaghetti Incident?! of its day), Bowie grows tired of his hard-rock Ziggy Stardust shtick and fires the Spiders Of Mars. Rumors leak that the rock star is obsessed with "soul" and attempting to maintain cultural currency by working with Brian Eno (the Moby of his day), but year after year and release date after release date pass. Finally, cleaned up and ready to play ball, Bowie, joined by Peter Frampton and Charlie Sexton, returns for a massive world tour to promote his new album... Never Let Me Down.

5. Prince
followed by...

Even after his Hollywood dreams fizzled, Prince finds it impossible to follow up the monumental Purple Rain, retiring to his Minnesota home; he's rarely seen after the failed non-musical version of Graffiti Bridge. Some say that the recluse won't even answer to his name! Always up for a challenge, Clive Davis signs the artist to a one-album contract, teaming him with a variety of pop stars that had followed in his wake. He then presents the world with... Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic. The world is not impressed.

6. Bruce Springsteen
followed by...

Darkness On The Edge Of Town, while a critical hit, isn't really the sequel to Born To Run that Columbia was looking for. So for years Bruce struggles with synthesizers and drum machines, hoping to craft a surefire hit. Off the road and not meeting supermodels and back-up vocalists, Bruce lives a long, lonely life before finally releasing The Ghost Of Tom Joad, after which Columbia decides this man is no longer the future of rock and roll.

7. U2
followed by...

Torn between their desire for fame and their belief in Christian humility, the members of U2 are more than happy to finely hone their follow-up to The Unforgettable Fire with Brian Eno and Daniel Lanois. But after a decade-plus of work, it becomes clear that they've lost the script. So instead, the band looks both to the past (their original producer Steve Lillywhite) and the future (Nelle Hooper and Jackknife Lee), creating How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, which the group promotes on an '80s Flashback Tour co-headlined by Simple Minds.

8. R.E.M.
followed by...

The Green tour takes a lot out of R.E.M., with the band first attempting to create a grand follow-up with mandolins and string sections before scrapping the sessions to try and regain their rock energy. Finally, with both producer Scott Litt and Bill Berry no longer involved, the remaining trio makes an album everyone is comfortable with. An album named Around The Sun.

9. Rolling Stones
followed by...

Let It Bleed is a surprise triumph after the loss of Brian Jones, but drugs overcome the band and it isn't long before replacement Mick Taylor is gone. It won't be until after the failure of Mick Jagger's first solo album, She's The Boss, that he'll get the old band together for a new album titled Dirty Work. While they knew Mick Jagger was capable of anything, it shocked fans of the enigmatic Keith Richards, long rumored dead, to see him dancing with cartoon cats in the video for "Harlem Shuffle."

10. Stevie Wonder
followed by...

With Motown refusing to let him run his own albums, Wonder boycotts his label following the release of For Once In My Life. When Berry Gordy finally relents in the early '70s, his concerns are proven tragically valid as Wonder toils unsuccessfully to capture his "inner visions," desperately trying to create songs "in the key of life." The singer could have been forgotten—but Gene Wilder gets in touch with him in hopes that he'll create a soundtrack for The Woman In Red. America is shocked as Little Stevie Wonder returns to the limelight with "I Just Called To Say I Love You," with Rolling Stone declaring it the Least Welcome Comeback of 1984.

There is one alternate history Axl could take heart in. If Paul Simon had waited fifteen years to put out an album after Simon & Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water, Graceland would have been even more of an impressive wtf than it was at the time. But will Axl Rose's adventures in the diaspora ("Madagascar!") have the same zeitgeist as Simon's?

Hell no.

06-20 London, England - The Roundhouse
06-21 London, England - The Roundhouse
06-22 London, England - The Roundhouse
06-23 London, England - The Roundhouse
06-24 London, England - The Roundhouse
06-28 Manchester, England - Apollo
06-29 Manchester, England - Apollo
07-02 Glasgow, Scotland - Barrowland
07-03 Glasgow, Scotland - Barrowland
07-03-06 Roskilde, Denmark - Roskilde Festival
07-09 Paris, France - Zenith
07-17-20 Benicàssim, Spain - Festival Internacional de Benicàssim
07-25 Naeba, Japan - Fuji Rock Festival
08-08 Oslo, Norway - Øya Festival
09-05 Isle of Wight, England - Bestival
09-19-21 Monticello, NY - Kutshers Country Club (ATP New York)
09-22 New York, NY - Roseland
09-23 New York, NY - Roseland
09-25 Toronto, Ontario - Ricoh
09-27 Chicago, IL - Aragon Ballroom
09-30 San Francisco, CA - The Concourse
10-01 Los Angeles, CA - Santa Monica Civic
10-02 Los Angeles, CA - Santa Monica Civic

My Bloody Valentine Announce North American Tour! [Pitchfork]

My Bloody Valentine
Built to Spill performing Perfect From Now On
Meat Puppets performing Meat Puppets II
Thurston Moore performing Psychic Hearts
Tortoise performing Millions Now Living Will Never Die
Shellac
Mogwai
Polvo
Fuck Buttons
Autolux
The Drones
Low
Wooden Shjips
Edan with Dagha
Thee Silver Mount Zion Orchestra

Death Cab for Cutie
The Breeders
Justice
Jens Lekman
Junkie XL
The Verve
UNKLE
Cold War Kids
Chromeo
Autolux
Spiritualized
Portishead
VHS or Beta
Dan Deacon
Brett Dennen
The Cinematic Orchestra
Battles
Kid Sister
Crystal Castles
Louis XIV

Also, some commenter at Brooklyn Vegan is claiming that Led Zeppelin is playing but how many times have we heard that old song and dance lately.

Coachella roster slowly takes shape (and getting misshapen) [Buzz Bands via BV]

"At the moment, all I can say is that Kevin is getting the band back together and they will go into the studio next month to work on the new record," says MBV's London-based manager Vinita Joshi, referring to notoriously reclusive singer/guitarist and bandleader Kevin Shields. "The plan is that they will release the album themselves via the Internet, but there will also probably be a vinyl release."

Joshi adds that the band is unlikely to follow Radiohead's pay-what-you-like download model for its new recordings.

Well, duh: A lot of bills pile up after 16-odd years of woodshedding, and that Sofia Coppola/Primal Scream money only goes so far. Also, it's only a little more than a month after In Rainbows, and already the words "do a Radiohead" are topping my list of phrases I never, ever want to hear again. Especially for bands "unlikely to follow Radiohead's pay-what-you-like download model," i.e. one of the few things that made the In Rainbows release unique in any way whatsoever.

Exclusive: My Bloody Valentine Plans Digital Future [Billboard]

Yes, it turns out ATP has a flyer up advertising, count 'em, three shows from a reunited My Bloody Valentine in London, Manchester, and Glasgow next June and July. Tickets apparently go on sale tomorrow from the venues. And as promised way back when the rumors hit and we called bullshit, we'll certainly stick to our promise of not attending any of these reunion concerts should they come to pass. Mr. Daily Swarm can enjoy his crowing. And hopefully you can enjoy the fact that Idolator's not a news-y links shill/front for Vice and/or a bunch of other publicity firms. Whoops, using the out loud voice there.

My Bloody Valentine [ATP via the Daily Swarm]

While Shields claims a My Bloody Valentine album is due this year, he gives no indication of exactly when or how it will be released. When the group split up in 1995 they had already left Creation Records and signed a legendarily ill-fated deal with Island, but it is unlikely that the contract remains in effect after all this time. The band recently activated mybloodyvalentine.co.uk and Shields' manager confirmed the the site is being built by Debbie Goodge, the band's bass player. It is possible that the album will see an independent, Internet-only. Radiohead style release, and a release date could be announced at any time.

Skeptical? Little old us? Still? After having our previous skepticism publically poo-pooed? With Shields captured on film like the scared groundhog he is? Maybe a smidge, having spent a decade-and-a-half listening to Shields claim the new My Bloody Valentine record was right around the corner. (Plus the fact that the "new" record is described as a cobbled-together collection of "this '96/'97 record half-finished record finished, and then a compilation of stuff we did before that in 1993-94, and a little bit of new stuff" with no mention of who was involved, even if the intimation is that it was the full band.) Now no one, except perhaps a certain Idolator commenter, would love MBV to be back in the saddle more than us, and so we'll happily eat our words should these lost tapes materialize in a form we can actually pay for. But once 800 times bitten...

My Bloody Valentine: The Reunion Confirmed [The Daily Swarm]

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Report: My Bloody Valentine Mulling Over Cochella Reunion [Billboard]
Believe It Or Not: My Bloody Valentine Reuniting For Cochella 2008? [The Daily Swarm]