7:45 p.m. So far in the pre-show, Corbin Bleu has made fun of High School Musical, Ne-Yo and Nicole Scherzinger have told the crowd that they'll be performing medleys, and Steven Tyler and Joe Perry have both tried really hard to camouflage the fact that they're relying on canes to get around.

7:46 p.m. The background music this year is all being credited, no doubt so people get reminded that oh, yeah, Beyonce sang that song about putting a ring on it.

7:48 p.m. Natasha Bedingfield: A leather suit and diamonds. There's something to be said for "bold fashion choices in the face of global economic collapse," and that something may be, "oh, screw off, chick who wrote the theme for The Hills."

7:50 p.m. Alicia Keys—so good last year!—is wearing earrings that look like they were fashioned from EPs. She is also promising "three of the most diverse people you've seen on one stage at one time" for her performance of "Superwoman," which is closing out the night and which apparently is part of this year being The Year Of The Woman. And one of those women: Natalie Imbruglia! I thought she'd been in hiding!

7:59 p.m. Nicole Scherzinger is now looking for a job "hosting." Well, I guess the music thing isn't working out...

8:00 p.m. Christina Aguilera opens the show with a business-casual take on "Beautiful."

8:01 p.m. Song No. 2 of the "seven songs in seven minutes" medley is "Keeps Gettin' Better," for which Christina has ditched the blazer. Is it me, or does she sound like she quaffed a big glass of milk right before she went onstage?

8:02 p.m. And now it's time for "Genie In A Bottle," which has resulted in her adding a skirt to her ensemble. So much fabric crammed into these seven minutes!

8:03 p.m. "Dirrrty" results in the removal of the skirrrty and her ensemble looking suspiciously Madonna-like. Oh, what am I talking about, "suspiciously."

8:04 p.m. "Ain't No Other Man" = a top hat and a little lace jackety-thingy! I'm really impressed at whoever did the wardrobe styling for this bit, as they figured out how to conjure up period details with just like, scraps of fabric. Maybe it was the result of a Project Runway challenge? It is in LA right now, even if this season will never be seen because of all that legal wrangling.

8:05 p.m. "Fighter" results in her sorta-awkwardly whipping down the jackety thingy and turning it into an ass-coverer. This outfit, I tell you, is like the Transformers of clothing.

8:06 p.m. Many people in the front row: Not amused.

8:07 p.m. Speaking of not being amused, here's Jimmy Kimmel!

8:08 p.m. Oh, he said that Chinese Democracy was a "brand old album." Get it? Christ, another three hours of this...

8:10 p.m. This is apparently "the youngest American Music Awards show ever." And yet, Jimmy Kimmel's jokes: All old.

8:11 p.m. Apparently this "year of the woman" idea has been beaten into every presenter from above, as Jamie Foxx is talking about an eight-year-old Destiny's Child song while sleepwalking through his presentation of the Favorite Soul/R & B Artist category.

8:13 p.m. Rihanna wins. She is wearing a dress that seems to be fashioned from pieced-together dryer sheets.

8:14 p.m. Haha, did you guys know that Lil Wayne has a lot of tattoos? Hahha, you guys! Hilarious!

8:14 p.m. Night Of The Women continues with a performance by New Kids On The Block.

8:15 p.m. Um... apparently none of the dress rehearsals involved the backing music. What is up with the mix on this performance? Oh, well. At least Donnie Wahlberg can still rap... and segue into "The Right Stuff!" Yes, we're back in medley territory, everyone.

8:17 p.m. That synchronized crotch-grab right before "Please Don't Girl" kicked in sure gave the song a new meaning.

8:17 p.m. Eesh, this medley is really hanging rough. Who on earth is running sound for this performance? Can they be fired before they under-EQ again?

8:18 p.m. Well, at least Jordan hit that high note.

8:19 p.m. Why are people standing up? Are they getting ready to walk out in protest of the lousy sound? That's the only explanation that makes sense here.

8:22 p.m. We're back! And somehow the sound running through Jimmy Kimmel's mic is running OK.

8:23 p.m. Paris Hilton and T-Pain: Somehow, the world has not swallowed itself in a black hole of vapidity. (Also, T-Pain's speaking voice is really high? Who knew?)

8:24 p.m. Favorite Pop/Rock Male: Chris Brown. Everyone's standing up again. Don't people know what an ovation is supposed to mean?

8:25 p.m. Oh, here's Scott Weiland. His Teleprompter-reading is, uh, more unfortunate than his answers to direct questions.

8:26 p.m. And of course, he introduced Pink's performance of... "Sober." Yipes.

8:27 p.m. Pink is overcoming the terrible sound sorta ably.

8:29 p.m. I sort of want to do an interview with someone in charge of mixing performances like these, just to see why musical performances on TV are such a challenge. (See also pretty much any episode of Saturday Night Live this season.) Is it because it's being mixed for the audience in the venue? I don't get it.

8:32 p.m. There is something incredibly sad about every Britney Spears promotional appearance these days. A deadness behind her eyes.

8:34 p.m. For a second I thought this music introducing David Cook was actually "Pretend We're Dead." Talk about taking that, Corporate America.

8:34 p.m. Hey, look, a rumor that Axl Rose is going to show up! I hope he comes out for "Superwoman."

8:35 p.m. Taylor Swift's set seems to be left over from a past performance by Evanescence. She is getting super-emotional.

8:37 p.m. That song was sad.

8:38 p.m. Time for some Dancing With The Stars cross-promotion! Lance Bass, presenting the, uh, Favorite Country Band, Duo, Or Group (We're Just Trying To Cover Our Bases) Award.

8:38 p.m. Ugh, Rascal Flatts win. Not that I really had a dog in this particular fight, but Rascal Flatts are just so awful.

8:40 p.m. Oh, hey, it's Ne-Yo! And there's a giant monster swinging up the horn-heavy arrangement of "Miss Independent" somewhere backstage, apparently.

8:42 p.m. This medley brings up an important point: Wouldn't Ne-Yo have done a much better James Bond theme than, uh, pretty much anyone else tasked with the job in the past few years?

8:43 p.m. Think about it: He could even use the mic stand as a weapon in the video! Man, this is so great—that bit with the mirror!!—but the sound is eating it all up. Makes me want to see him live ASAP.

8:43 p.m. Now, see, that is what you give an ovation to, crowd. I swear, the grade inflation in society today...

8:47 p.m. Jimmy Kimmel has apparently decided to be on whatever Scott Weiland is on. And here's Nickelback to present the Favorite Hip-Hop Album Award. Chad Kroeger's all blown out, you guys! Actually, anyone notice that they're all looking kinda Rascal Flatts-y these days?

8:48 p.m. Kanye West wins the Favorite Hip-Hop Album Award... for Graduation. 9/11(/07), never forget y'all.

8:49 p.m. "I wake up in the morning thinking about what stereotypes I'm going to break.... It's our responsibility as musicians to push each other."

8:50 p.m. He's calling for a return to '60s/'70s rock grandeur. Bigger than the Beatles! "I wanna be Elvis!" And—well, let's just hope his story ends more elegantly.

8:50 p.m. Jesse McCartney has turned into Frankie Muniz.

8:51 p.m. Leona Lewis' dress: Dominatrix gone Swarovski?

8:54 p.m. I have nothing to say about this song, except that it seems to have been unearthed from a time capsule buried sometime around the release of Emotions.

8:57 p.m. Seriously, if Leona Lewis is at the forefront of the New Vanguard Of Pop Stars, the music business is even more screwed than I thought. What about her is interesting, is special at all? At least Kanye has aspects of his personality that are compelling. Shit, at least he has a personality.

8:59 p.m. Oh no, Jimmy Kimmel made the same Elvis/Kanye joke I did :(

9:00 p.m. Billy Ray Cyrus and his plugs take the stage. And, aww, he's introducing his daughter, who's just turning 16, but whose speaking voice sounds as seasoned as a Golden GIrl's.

9:01 p.m. And apparently her attitudes toward the paparazzi are just as seasoned, given the opening "dance" bit of this performance.

9:02 p.m. OMG ON-STAGE SLIDE??? She really does have it all.

9:03 p.m. Oh, these high notes are sort of unfortunate.

9:04 p.m. Favorite Male Country Artist is presented, and Contractually Obligated ABC Cross-Promotion Girl is towering over poor Archie.

9:04 p.m. Brad Paisley wins. Uh, where exactly was Play No. 1?

9:05 p.m. Political jokes by Brad Paisley. Ah, edgy.

9:06 p.m. There's no way this Tom Cruise Top Gunning Down Hitler flick can be any good at all, right?

9:09 p.m. The Bachelor fills me with such ra—hey, it's Coldplay! Complete with giggly Chris Martin?

9:10 p.m. Viva La Vida is an album that I have pretty much no problem with. The title track is fun to sing along with in the car. The songs are completely not worthy of being switched off. (Although how much paper is being wasted with this confetti drop, huh?)

9:14 p.m. Richie Sambora and Colbie Caillat... uh, sure. Here's Favorite Pop/Rock Album!

9:15 p.m. Alicia Keys' As I Am wins. Wait, she's nominated in three more categories? We have a lot more show to go here, people.

9:16 p.m. I wish there was a live cam feed so we could see the GIANT LEAFBLOWERS that are no doubt blowing away the confetti right now.

9:22 p.m. I guess the members of the Wu-Tang Clan not being able to name the Jonas Brothers is supposed to be some metacommentary on the fragmentation on music?

9:23 p.m. Terrence Howard! Will he go on a tear about his Iron Man snub? No, he'll just stick to the script. Ah well.

9:24 p.m. Fact-checking moment: "I Stay In Love" is not a hit.

9:27 p.m. Yeah, I guess that was OK.

9:28 p.m. And now, it's That Dude Who Deflowered Jessica Simpson and That Lady Who Ruined How I Met Your Mother! Side note: Were people really clamoring for the return of Scrubs? Doesn't Zach Braff have some overly maudlin "I'm an overeducated white boy" movie to make?

9:29 p.m. Taylor Swift wins Favorite Country Female. She is surprised. She is surprised? OK, this bit of her schtick is starting to get a little Melinda Doolittleish.

9:30 p.m. Daughtry, with lead Daughtry in a very shiny suit, is presenting Favorite Pop/Rock Female.

9:31 p.m. I want Mariah to win if it means Jack McBrayer will accept her award. But alas, the prize goes to Rihanna.

9:33 p.m. Who would buy a Fergie shoe?

9:37 p.m. Dear ABC: Please stop trying to make Private Practice happen. Also stop trying to make The Fray happen. Especially since this dude really can't do the whole "lower register" thing, and the possibility of people caring about this song without visual aids from Lost is near-nil.

9:42 p.m. And now it's time for Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Male Artist. You will recall there is no "female" counterpart for this particular category, because, well, yeah.

9:42 p.m. Kanye wins. I guess they're not frisking audience members for cameras.

9:43 p.m. Kanye passes his award along to Lil Wayne! He seems to be a little unclear on the AMAs' nominating period, but hey, it's understandable.

9:43 p.m. Ashley Tisdale is here and showing the audience how many times she can say the word "T-Mobile" in 60 seconds.

9:44 p.m. The Jonas Brothers win the Sponsored By A Phone Award, and they are continuing the shiny-suit trend. What is this? Did Jessica McClintock branch out into menswear?

9:46 p.m. The-Dream gives himself a shout-out for writing "Single Ladies."

9:46 p.m. So as to have a different "feel" than SNL, this version of the song opens with a Copacabana-worthy intro.

9:47 p.m. BRB DANCING ALONG

9:49 p.m. Queen Latifah is putting her hand up, as is some dorky white lady.

9:50 p.m. One thing that's nice about this year is that at least a few of the people singing can really freaking wail. No endless "Baby Love" here—oh, wait, they just announced the Pussycat Dolls. Ah, crap.

9:54 p.m. Oh, Christ, this Fray track again? How much money are you getting, ABC?

9:56 p.m. Can you gauge presenters' relative importance by how network-promotional the people they're paired with are? What does it mean that Akon is stuck with Someone Else From Dancing With The Stars?

9:57 p.m. Alicia Keys wins Favorite Soul/R&B Album, and she gives a Flavor Flav "Woooowwwww" in celebration. Also, there's no way that the final performer of the night doesn't win the final award of the night, right?

9:58 p.m. I'm pretty sure that was the first Obama reference of the evening.

9:59 p.m. Demi Lovato's presentation style: Awkward eighth-grade president. Which is actually pretty endearing.

9:59 p.m. Instead of bursting through a potentially treacherous glass wall, the Jonas Brothers have decided this year to induce seizures in their audience via bright green lasers.

10:00 p.m. This is harder to look at than that GMail theme that's designed to emulate an old-school VT100!

10:01 p.m. Why did it take me until just now to realize the Disney/ABC connection here? Blame my immersion in Guns N' Roses. Also, the lasers.

10:03 p.m. Please discuss the Pussycat Dolls' performance among yourselves while I fix myself a drink. This song is awful. Also, you just know they are all wearing the trenchcoats for the purposes of FLASHING.

10:04 p.m. Look, they all have names on their stripper poles! And the one in the middle still can't sing live worth a hip-thrust!

10:05 p.m. Be careful what you wish for, because you just might have to endure Nicole Scherzinger being shoved down America's throat one more time.

10:06 p.m. I guess Jimmy Iovine's "influence" means that the Dolls get enough time to incorporate their dance remix. Just what we all needed.

10:07 p.m. "Actress" Ali Landry just called the American Music Awards some sort of hip-superlative. Does that mean the MisShapes are there?

10:12 p.m. Surprise, it's Justin Timberlake. I mean, who would have thought that someone who made a surprise appearance on Saturday Night Live last weekend, and the TRL finale the day after that, and who has a new charity single out, would appear at an awards show?

10:13 p.m. A year after being brought in front of the mtvU Woodies' confused crowd for vague humanitarian-focused reasons, Annie Lennox is being honored by the AMAs for being generally awesome. Can I just say that "No More I Love Yous" is kind of my jam?

10:15 p.m. Ah, a performance! Of "Why," I believe. This song is also up there.

10:16 p.m. Although she seems to have also sipped from Xtina's milk stash.

10:17 p.m. This performance would be a lot more powerful without the Career Retrospective Video Medley playing behind it.

10:20 p.m. Lots of applause. Everyone is standing, but the meaning behind that particular gesture has been a bit drained of meaning this evening.

10:21 p.m. Lots of words beginning with "m" in her speech.

10:22 p.m. She's 53?! This gives me hope for 20 years from now.

10:26 p.m. That scene of Sally Field frowning dejectedly just made me want to watch Soapdish all over again. Come on, everyone! Half an hour to go!

10:28 p.m. It's an ad for Barbados. Is this part of the reason Rihanna won?

10:28 p.m. Natasha Bedingfield causes me to ask, "Is the 10 p.m. hour filled with performances that were the result of favor-trading or what?"

10:28 p.m. (And I like some of her songs, but come on, a three-song medley of her and two tracks by the Pussycat Dolls?)

10:29 p.m. I guess it could be worse: This awards show could have some sort of Lauren Montag (or whoever) tie-in.

10:30 p.m. "Pocketful Of Sunshine" is such an oddly dreary-sounding song. I like the chorus a lot, but there's something about the track as a whole that's just so... rainy. I know, I know, it's an odd adjective, but close your eyes and see if you don't conjure up a drizzly image.

10:31 p.m. Was that two songs? Wasn't it supposed to be three? Did I miss something? Did her brother stop in and do a bar of "Gotta Get Thru This" while I blacked out momentarily?

10:32 p.m. Speaking of dreary, here's Rihanna... performing "Rehab"... with an eyepatch on? I guess this is her attempt to out-accessorize Sasha Fierce's Krugerhand.

10:33 p.m. I like how her backup singers are wearing the Little Dom Peep outfits Ri-Ri wore during her "Umbrella" phase. Hey, everybody, it's important to recycle!

10:35 p.m. Well, that's over, and I think that one of the biggest singles artist of the past year just got less airtime than Nicole Scherzaface And Her Band Of Roving Bimbos. Total Doll Domination SoundScans to date: 166,767!

10:39 p.m. Motley Crue! Vince Neil would like to remind you just who his band is! Tommy Lee is also wearing a shiny suit! Mick Mars is standing up all by himself!

10:40 p.m. Daughtry wins the Favorite Pop/Rock Duo Or Group. The satin quotient of the clothes on this stage is making my eyes bleed.

10:42 p.m. Seriously, the amount of gold satin covering Tommy Lee could fashion three or four prom dresses.

10:42 p.m. Kanye West is now performing in Tron II: The Red LED District.

10:44 p.m. I like the fake calliopes on this song still. And I really like how Kanye is so, so into this performance. Jumping into every note! Spitting out the vitriol!

10:46 p.m. And now, Sarah McLachlan. If she sings the song from the ASPCA ads, I'll have a real reason to cry tonight, instead of just one that's lamenting the Pussycat Dolls' existence.

10:47 p.m. Oh no :(

10:47 p.m. Pink is harmonizing nicely. At least the producers decided against showing the sad puppies and kittens behind them.

10:48 p.m. I really love Pink's voice. Sarah's lilt is playing against her gruffness in a pretty incredible way.

10:50 p.m. That was lovely. Seriously. Simple and moving and well-performed.

10:53 p.m. Toxic Twins time. Joe Perry is walking with a cane.

10:54 p.m. These two are also toxic when it comes to reading a TelePrompTer.

10:54 p.m. Artist Of The Year: Chris Brown? Really?

10:55 p.m. He would have given it to Coldplay! Everyone's so generous tonight!

10:55 p.m. Faceless announcer on Alicia Keys: "She's been called 'a genius' and 'brilliant.'" By Clive Davis.

10:57 p.m. "For my first surprise, here's the woman I was sitting next to all night!"

10:58 p.m. And now... Kathleen Battle. Well, a soprano wasn't exactly the big finish I was expecting, but hey, music in America takes all kinds, right?

10:59 p.m. Alicia and the Queen are impressed. (As am I, I guess. Although I liked last year's reggae bit better.)

11:00 p.m. And... the big finish! Everyone's hugging! Jimmy Kimmel is making a dumb joke! All of the other winners are being chyroned on the screen—holy crap, that Alvin & The Chipmunks soundtrack beat out Mamma Mia!? Oh, America. Oh, American Music Awards.

The complete list of winners, in case you want to see whose street teams successfully stuffed the e-ballot boxes:
POP/ROCK MUSIC
Favorite Male Artist: Chris Brown
Favorite Female Artist: Rihanna
Favorite Band, Duo or Group: Daughtry
Favorite Album: Alicia Keys, As I Am

COUNTRY MUSIC
Favorite Male Artist: Brad Paisley
Favorite Female Artist: Taylor Swift
Favorite Band, Duo or Group: Rascal Flatts
Favorite Album: Carrie Underwood, Carnival Ride

RAP/HIP-HOP MUSIC
Favorite Male Artist: Kanye West
Favorite Band, Duo or Group: Three 6 Mafia
Favorite Album: Kanye West, Graduation

SOUL/RHYTHM & BLUES
Favorite Male Artist: Chris Brown
Favorite Female Artist: Mary J Blige
Favorite Album: Alicia Keys, As I Am

T-MOBILE BREAKTHROUGH ARTIST
Breakthrough Artist: Jonas Brothers

INSPIRATIONAL
Favorite Artist: Third Day

ALTERNATIVE ROCK MUSIC
Favorite Artist: Linkin Park

ADULT CONTEMPORARY MUSIC
Favorite Artist: Jordin "Only 18" Sparks

SOUNDTRACKS
Favorite Album: Alvin & The Chipmunks

LATIN MUSIC
Favorite Artist: Enrique Iglesias

ARTIST OF THE YEAR
Artist of the Year: Chris Brown

And my unofficial award:
BEST THING ABOUT THE NIGHT: Ne-Yo, duh.

Of course, the current lineup has the "...and many more" caveat, but what would the rest of the world do for entertainment on Dec. 5 if more acts were added to this incredible cavalcade of stars?

Rihanna
Katy Perry
Jesse McCartney
Fall Out Boy
Pussycat Dolls
and many more!

The Pussycat Dolls and Katy Perry? I'm going to need some heart medicine. However, you have to admire the career turn of Fall Out Boy, the only act on the bill who had any sort of organic growth as a band, playing gigs, etc. And now they're sandwiched between a kid who got his start on a soap opera and a Hollywood burlesque show turned pop group with largely interchangeable parts. You guys have come a long way from playing the Knights of Columbus!

Phooson 2008 [KZZP]

The new single by the Pussycat Dolls, the listless "Whatcha Think About That," features a few cameos by Missy Elliott, who during her bits in the video is forced to mumble inane lines like "Tonight I’m goin out and ain’t comin back / You ain’t gonna get no more pussycat" while standing in close proximity to Nicole Scherzinger and her handmaidens shaking their asses to the track, which sounds kind of like a dessicated take on Whitney Houston's "I'm Your Baby Tonight." Only this time, instead of Whitney belting out every note, we get Scherzinger whinging and preening as Missy drops anemic verses like "Up in the club its just me and my girls / Play like Katy Perry kissin on girls." Sigh. Missy. Katy Perry references and rhyming "girls" with "girls"? Maybe you should get back together with Timbaland—surely whatever he thinks up for you could cause a spark of some sort, right? Oh, wait. [Dailymotion]

In case you're wondering, the rest of the top 10 will apparently consist of Joe, Kid Rock, Lil Wayne, and Young Jeezy. [HITS Daily Double]

• "Obviously, the Pussycat Dolls franchise is built on interchangeability and anonymity, but that takes for granted the ability to keep churning out hits. And on Doll Domination, it sounds like that particular well is running dry." [Newsday]

• "The group's sole actual singer, Nicole Scherzinger, may not have Beyoncé's range but she's got some of her force. As for the rest, it sounds like their vocals not only went through a vocal tuner but a Waring blender. Not that any of that matters. With a package this proudly crass and deliciously light, only a prig would complain." [New York Daily News]

• "...tracks like 'When I Grow Up'—a middle-of-the-road disco jaunt about wanting to be famous—sound like someone took several recent female-sung hits, added water and stirred into a fine, gray paste. With 15 cuts in all, the album sounds like the Dolls just threw everything they had against the charts to see if anything would stick." [Rolling Stone]

• "After a while, listening to this CD feels like a one-way conversation with a vapid hot chick who's in love with the sound of her own voice." [Entertainment Weekly]

Ladies and gentlemen, feast your ears on Kimberly Wyatt's version of Jane Child's "Don't Wanna Fall In Love"!

Of course, what this cover reveals is that Wyatt doesn't really have much in the way of pipes, but hey, at least Child might get some royalties out of this, right? And maybe more karaoke bars will start stocking this song, since it's really fun to sing.

Kimberly Wyatt - Don't Wanna Fall In Love HQ [YouTube]
Jane Child - Don't Wanna Fall In Love [YouTube]
[If you really need to find the album that bad, just hit up Google Blog Search. I can't do it, though. I'm sorry.]

Two weeks ago, word came down that Kent Brownridge was stepping down from his daily duties as chairman/CEO at Alpha Media Group. Alpha is owned by the Quadrangle Group, a private equity consortium that had taken on the American magazines previously owned by Felix Dennis, a British publishing magnate. Brownridge had previously spent 30 years as Wenner Media's general manager, but was pushed out two years ago by his boss.

During his year at the helm of Alpha Media Group, Brownridge cut costs: he decided that Stuff, an even more boorish spin-off of Maxim, was redundant and best folded into the main mag. But evidently, his partners believed that they should be seeing greater profits in a shorter amount of time.

At the time, Brownridge told WWD's Stephanie Smith that he hadn't been spending enough time with his new wife. But on Wednesday, Brownridge said he will now become the general manager of OK!, an American iteration of the hugely popular British publication and competitor of Us Weekly, a Wenner Media property that Brownridge supervised closely. In the extremely unlikely event that Mr. Brownridge will read this post, Anono-Prick would like to invite him to submit a comment as to what changed in the past two weeks. Did his wife tell him, "no thanks, honey, go ahead and run a magazine," or was his statement to Smith a face-saving measure?

In any case, if Brownridge's fellow investors expected greater profit margins from Maxim and Blender within a year of taking them on, it seems likely that they do not understand the magazine business. It may also have been that Quadrangle Group believed that they were purchasing the Dennis Publishing of 1999-2002, a company that virtually monopolized the meager attention spans of every backwards-baseball cap wearer who was too timid or too stupid to secure real pornography. But the unlimited ability to access content for free and/or with greater convenience is what faces every sector of the publishing diaspora, and with every passing nanosecond since that time, men have found it easier to use the Device You Are Currently Gazing At to head down the same path David Duchovny has of late.

Anono-Prick cannot help but wonder what Blender Editor-in-Chief Joe Levy makes of Brownridge's exit. The two had to have had a fairly good relationship while both worked at Rolling Stone, since Brownridge hired Levy away from a job that he held for 11 years.

For the cover of its October issue, Blender turns to the Pussycat Dolls, five women who have parlayed the performance tropes of strippers into international stardom. The story, "Real Dolls," is written by Deborah Schoeneman, a writer who has worked for Page Six and has since specialized in chronicling the doings of various fabulous people. (She also dated a good friend of AP's for a very short time; AP only spoke to her twice.) Schoeneman follows the Dolls around Los Angeles for a bit: she begins with a party in Beverly Hills that finds a Russian banker paying for his trophy wife to join the Dolls for the evening, and otherwise does her best to make the expensive drudgery of the members' working lives seem interesting.

Schoeneman asks Alpha Doll Nicole Scherzinger about the aborted launch of her solo album Her Name Is Nicole, upon which Blender's cover story 11 months ago was pegged. "I decided to hold off," she punts. "I didn't want to lose the momentum of the PCD. That train's been moving so fast." In last year's story, however, Scherzinger stressed that the record was her one shot, and that she should not miss her chance to blow, and that this opportunity comes once in a lifetime. Or, alternately, "I need total focus, total concentration, total centering, because this album is everything I've been working for my whole life. You get one chance, and this is my chance."

While "Real Dolls" is a pretty short story, the remainder of what used to be understood as the "feature well" is protracted. "The Geek Squad" is a photo essay concerning the participants in Nerdapalooza, which was held in Orlando, Fla., in July. Associate editor Mark Yarm's text commences with one of AP's last favorite magazine-writing tropes: he compares the goings on there to "the set of a Fellini film—if Fellini had been a '80s baby weaned on Nintendo NES, Star Wars and superhero comic books."

And for the first time in Editor-in-Chief Joe Levy's nine-month tenure, Blender sallies forth a list! The list's bailiwick? "The 33 Most Overrated People, Places, Trends and other Junk in Rock." From the premise (damning this or that as "overrated" is an ancient magazine tactic) to its execution (complaining about "Freebird" and Timbaland isn't novel), the piece doesn't stand up to the kind of amused assemblages that the mag made its name on. But of course, the list has already has been picked up all over the place for the temerity to suggest that Tupac's reputation is inflated (AP agrees), and a nice lil brushfire has resulted. Which justifies the entire exercise, AP supposes.

The rest of the mag is similarly protracted. The component of the Guide devoted to new albums is down to six pages; the customary two pages devoted to film reviews is down to one page and one review. Now, a shrinking ad market is simply the hand that Levy has been dealt, but almost every aspect of this issue of Blender lacks the confidence that marked it before his tenure.

When Levy took over in January, he had two or three months to figure out what worked and what didn't. It seems that, since he has kept virtually every editorial gimmick that Blender had developed in its seven-year lifetime, he likes Blender the way it was. His single formal addition is his pal Rob Sheffield's Station to Station column, which this month examines Baltimore's DIY scene, which is the kind of subject Sheffield should tackle all the time, instead of waxing incoherent about reality TV or his '80s faves.

The one deviation from "the way Blender has been" is the animating imprimatur of his predecessor, Craig Marks, who, as second in command to Andy Pemberton from 2001 to 2004 and then as the boss until early this year, turned the mag from a American version of Q into the liveliest music rag in the US.

(Here, AP should say that he worked under Marks at Blender in 2002-2003 under the alias "Rob Kemp"; I did not befriend Marks at the time and have had no contact with him for five years. My admiration for what he accomplished, and his great talent and intellect are untainted by anything resembling a personal relationship. I've only spoken to Levy a few times and never had a significant professional interaction with him.)

It seems like Levy is stuck. Above, his paymasters look over his shoulder. To his left, he sees the departure of a boss he got along with. To his right, his intended readership is consumed with pictures of naked breasts they did not pay for. And below is the legacy of his predecessor, the guy who came up with the tricks that now lack much in the way of spark.

Sure, the nominees this year aren't terribly exciting, but still, this particular Pussycat Dolls video? (Note: The last time the public got to vote in this process, in 2006, the then-exclamation-pointed Panic! At The Disco won with "I Write Sins not Tragedies.") Here's how the Times experts call the race:

Darrin "DoubleD" Dortch:

1) Pussycat Dolls, "When I Grow Up"
2) Chris Brown, "Forever"
3) Jonas Brothers, "Burnin' Up"
4) Britney Spears, "Piece of Me"
5) The Ting Tings, "Shut Up and Let Me Go"

David "Guru" Schnelwar:

1) Pussycat Dolls, "When I Grown Up"
2) Chris Brown, "Forever"
3) Britney Spears, "Piece of Me"
4) The Ting Tings, "Shut Up and Let Me Go"
5) Jonas Brothers, "Burnin' Up"

Both predictors admit that the best video doesn't always win (unless you consider "Waterfalls" to be superior to "Buddy Holly" in some manner), but still, what's going on here? Why is the video apparently such an artistic breakthrough that the mysterious panel of experts that picks the nominees for the awards' professional categories for needed to drop another four nominations into the Dolls' lingerie-clad laps? The legions of JoBros fans can't tip this one for "Burnin' Up"? Frankly, if the Pussycat Dolls pull off some sort of sweep, someone should check on Maura afterwards.

On a related note, I really miss the International Viewer's Choice award, last given out in 2003. Who can forget the joy we shared when Rise with Spread Beaver took the MTV Japan award in 1999 for "Pink Spider", after the tragic death of singer Hideto Matsumoto? Instead, we'll just get reaction shots of Nicole Scherzinger all night. Life can be so unfair.

MTV Video Music Awards: Pussycat Dolls will beat Britney Spears and the Jonas Brothers for top prize [LA Times]

Overview: Grammy-nominated pop superstars The Pussycat Dolls are giving the world fair warning...it's time for global domination. On September 23, 2008, Nicole, Ashley, Jessica, Melody and Kimberly will release their sophomore album, Doll Domination, the follow-up to PCD, the international smash and 3 X platinum in Canada album that announced their arrival. On Doll Domination The Pussycat Dolls collaborate with the hottest producers in music: Timbaland, Cee-Lo and Sean Garrett (among others). The album's first single, the Rodney Jerkins-produced "When I Grow Up" is exploding globally.

Radio: "When I Grow Up" is a Top 5 CHR single across Canada and in the U.S.

Video: "When I Grow Up" has been in heavy rotation at Much, Much More and Musique Plus since release.

Marketing: Heavy cross marketing with Girlicious and Lady Gaga. Stand alone marketing has begun at Summer Rush Toronto and Halifax as well as Backstreet Boy tour dates. Female lifestyle marketing being put into place as well as extensive retail, outdoor, TV, radio, theatre web, mobile and club promotions and advertising plans are being put into place. PCD also have U.S. tie ins with Bally Fitness, Nike, Pontiac Vibe and Maxim, all of which are spilling into Canada.

Tour: A 60 date North American tour is in the works for early 09 that will extend into Canada on two legs.

New Media: Pcdmusic.com is the home for the latest happenings including 4 webisodes on PCD TV. There will be major online launch events and contesting to be put into place around launch.

The track "When I Grow Up" will be featured in the movie "I Know What Boys Like" and the new Dance Dance Revolution game, out October 2008.

The Bally's Total fitness TV campaign will be running throughout the summer and the music video "When I Grow Up" featured on all domestic Virgin America flights from August 15th-September 15th.

Also don't miss these following magazine interviews and covers!
- Summer music preview blurbs coming in Entertainment Weekly
- On the cover of Blender in September along with an interview
- Rolling Stone
- USA Today
- AP
- Reuters
- Women's Wear Daily
- Interview with Latina Magazine featuring Melody

TV appearances
- Today Show on August 29th
- Performing on Fashion Rocks on September 9th
- Performing on The View on September 17th
- Appearance on Regis and Kelly

All that TV, and it doesn't even mention the Video Music Awards? Yikes.

Pussycat-Dolls.Net Exclusive Information! [Pussycat-Dolls.net via ONTD]

VIDEO OF THE YEAR NOMINEES
Chris Brown - Forever

The Jonas Brothers - Burnin' Up

The Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up

Britney Spears - Piece Of Me

The Ting Tings - Shut Up And Let Me Go

Britney Spears, Jonas Brothers Battle It Out For VMA Video Of The Year [MTV]
Video Music Awards nominations

Allowing the other four members of the Pussycat Dolls to have their first initials on the cover of their forthcoming album represents something of a step for Nicole Scherzinger's backup singers to finally break through and maybe, someday, have personalities of their own. Shame, though, that the protracted negotiaions leading up to this breakthrough resulted in Nicole pulling rank and telling the rest of the girls that she was the only one allowed to wear a color in the photograph.

The Doll Domination Cover [interscope.com]

Sources tell TMZ as of last Thursday, the Pussycats confirmed they would perform on the show as part of that night's "Pop Goes Country" theme and their appearance started to get promoted. But on Friday, we're told Interscope then tried to get PCD's tween label mates, Clique Girlz, booked on the show. "Nashville Star" was not interested in the 14-and-under trio and passed on both acts. Dontcha wish you kept your mouth shut?!

So when the Pussycat Dolls were growing up, did you think that in addition to wanting groupies/boobies they also wanted to be a bargaining chip in a promotional negotiation that would benefit the girlbots who were being groomed to take their place? It almost makes me feel bad, although I feel worse for the people watching at home who had to sit through that wheezy performance of "Damaged."

Pussycat Dolls And "Nashville Star" Don't Clique [TMZ]
Earlier: Danity Kane Slide Right Into The Pussycat Dolls' Spot

As Dan Gibson noted in an IM to me, it's hard to not at least appreciate the effort; surely every reader of this site has made the "lol, MTV doesn't show videos anymore" joke at least once in the past five years. The live-performance aspect of the show was also noble, and having Snoop Dogg and Panic at the Disco collaborate on "Gin And Juice" at the show's end was fine (as a bonus, it made me dig up Sissy Bar's MySpace page).

I wasn't surprised that only 30 seconds were allotted to each of the "vintage" videos that aired on the broadcast, which included Idolator pick "Bastards of Young." More irritating than that, really, was the fact that for a show that was supposed to be about the music and its associated videos, FNMTV sure felt like it had to remind viewers over and over that, yes, the people on screen were famous, solo-album flops be damned. The filler ranged from a NBC Summer Olympics-reminiscent look at the "rise" of Flo Rida to an awkward interview between Wentz and the Pussycat Dolls, and recaps of the featured clips were provided by both an instant text-message poll of the crowd (the cell-phone era equivalent of "it has a beat and you can dance to it," I guess) and a video review panel that featured MTV News' James Montgomery and the Gym Class Heroes' Travis McCoy spouting reasons why each video may have been worthy of "instant classic" status. The extra padding and the fact that commercial interruptions were limited dragged the show out, and I was left to wonder why some of these bits weren't cut in favor of another Panic performance, or maybe—gasp!—another video?

It seems odd that the attention-span-challenged youth of today really need six minutes of filler and an invitation to make their own video responses in order to properly process a clip attached to a four-minute pop song, even one as shitty as the one accompanying the Pussycat Dolls' unintentional ode to the end of the 21st-century gilded age, "When I Grow Up."

If you fast forward to the end, you can see Scherzherface making a series of increasingly crazy faces (and miss most of the song, to boot).

I suspect that week two of the show will reveal some tweaks—apparently in addition to the four new clips (including one by Vampire Weekend, oh boy) we're going to see live performances by both Lil Wayne and Duffy. Here's hoping they team up for a performance, just for the sake of making her a bit interesting.

FNMTV Premieres [mtv.com]

Then again, with Coldplay off singing about the French Revolution and fine art, it's possible Keane could step into the heart-shaped hole they're leaving behind, just as Creed stuck up for monotheism when Pearl Jam got qawwali on it in 1998. Keane's b-side cover of the Cult's "She Sells Sanctuary" does sound like the U2 II (or Coldplay 1.5) of Jimmy Iovine's dreams.

The band swears that it's sticking to its piano-dominated sound, but I wouldn't be surprised if these guys wind up pulling the inverse of Queen's "no keyboards! no keyboards! ok, keyboards" shift sooner rather than later.

New albums by U2, Eminem, and Black Eyed Peas could bring a year-end bang [EW]
Keane - She Sells Sanctuary [YouTube]

I had to. I'm sorry. Here's the original as a peace offering.

Nicole Scherzinger Sings National Anthem [YouTube via ONTD]
Nicole Scherzinger - Rio (Caress Brazilian Mix) [YouTube]
Duran Duran Rio [YouTube]

The cover for the coming-too-soon album by the Pussycat Dolls spinoff quartet Girlicious—who, I found out while flipping around JetBlue last night, became a quartet at the last minute because the remaining finalists were just that hot—makes me wonder if Britney Spears' Spirographic cover just made every art director out there decide that female-fronted pop acts should have CRAZY STARBURST BACKGROUNDS lurking behind them, so as to suggest fun, sexy ear candy. Wake me when everyone gets bored with that screen-saver-inspired art and starts putting flying toasters on their CD sleeves.

Girlicious [Official Album Cover] [Music Is The Heart Of Our Soul]

I've gone through the whole minisite and the word "Scherzinger" doesn't appear once, which makes me wonder if she's going to be hauling herself in front of a judge for a legal name change sometime soon.

Caress - Unleash the Excitement of Brazil [Official site; HT Reed Fischer]

Eleven female contestants — all about age 20 and competing for places in Girlicious, the Pussycat Dolls spinoff group the show will found — were to perform to an audience of tween girls, the age group that made Miley Cyrus so popular that she was an Oscar presenter this year.

"This is part of the key demographic you want buying your CDs," intoned Antin. "They're the ones that dictate the future of music."

And the music industry needs them, if only because the tweens are largely believed to still purchase CDs. If junior high kids weren't entirely responsible for what Nielsen SoundScan estimates as 2.8 million copies sold of "PCD," the debut album from the Pussycat Dolls that contained the (still) inescapable single "Don't Cha," Antin knows they accounted for a sizable percentage.

"If you go to a Pussycat Dolls concert, it's all these little girls, and they all have on their hoodies," Antin said recently in the family room of her modest one-story West Hollywood home. "When I first started the Pussycat Dolls, I never would have imagined that would become our target audience. But it makes so much sense. My idea, from the very beginning, was to have sort of live dolls, dancing and singing. That's what these girls relate to."

The thing that makes this "marketing women who are merely 'living dolls' and don't have much interesting to say or offer except the flaunting of their bodies, which are pretty obviously temporary attractions based on the way that the group is completely interchangeable with the possible, but not probable exception of Nicole Scherzinger" ethos even more depressing? Antin's brother Steve, who had the idea to transform the PCD burlesque show into the music/reality-TV juggernaut that it is now, was in The Goonies. Talk about your stark, depressing differences between the aimed-at-kids pop culture of then and now—just try and imagine La Scherzinger singing something like "The Goonies R Good Enough." The lack of superobvious lyrical references to her vagina would probably make her choke.

Pussycat Dolls run hurdles in high heels [LAT]
[Photo: AP]

'It is the hot ticket because the Pussycat Dolls, they're just amazing,' Antin said. 'I think people get excited because everything we do, it's quality.'

Second place:

The lingerie line was inspired by punk-rock music and old-fashioned pinup girls, Antin said. She called it 'shhh' because it's 'our little secret.'

Courtesy of AP Images, here's what apparently "every woman shares", plus a photo of Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine looking really, really creepy. Enjoy.

Pussycat Dolls: Sex, music and lingerie [Forbes]

Operation MySpace will be the largest MySpaceLive! concert to date with performances by:

The Pussycat Dolls

Jessica Simpson

Disturbed

DJ Z-Trip

and the comedic genius of Carlos Mencia.

Mr. President, the only humane option is total troop withdrawal within the next 11 days. Bring those kids home before the scripted onstage patter between Mencia and Jessica Simpson breaks their spirits for good.

Operation Mindspace [Official Site]

Stalwart PCD fans should also be excited to know that Nicole Scherzinger is back with that group and they're making music again.
"We're in the studio right now," [Pussycat Dolls founder Robin] Antin said. "Nicole is 100% back with us. She actually never left. She was working on her solo stuff and it's out there and people will hear that, but she actually wants to focus on Pussycat Dolls right now. We all want to. We're going full force."

Scherzinger's "solo stuff" has been, of course, "out there" for a while, despite the general populace's unwillingness to pay it any mind. What her newfound desire to focus on the Pussycat Dolls' output right now will mean for the release date of her long-delayed solo debut Her Name Is Nicole—which now has a June 23 street date—is anyone's guess, although given that Scherzinger is the only singer credited on the Pussycat Dolls' first album and there's been a wide swath of indifference to the songs on Nicole that have made it out so far perhaps the suits at Interscope are just thinking of giving the whole project a quick rebranding and a Paris Hilton-assisted bonus track or two, if only to get the damned thing off everyone's backs.

'Girlicious' musical vibes [NY Daily News]

End of the year 2007 poem..to you
my, my, my how the time has just flown by
2007 where did it go, so many great memories i'm reminiscing on tonight..
the grammy's, pussycat doll/xtina tour, and "whatever u like"
"baby love" the emas, ama's, and movies rock what a dazzling night!
2007 even more dreams came true!
like buying my mom and dad a home
and singing my very first solo song!
and still many more dreams left for me to strive towards and pursue!
That's why 2008
is another chance,
another new year for us to create
new dreams and to believe that we are what we make
of ourselves.
each one of us were made to accomplish great things in life..
and take it from me, those great things in life don't come easily,
but that's what separates the ones who are willing to march,
the ones who are willing to fight.
sometimes we're not sure why things happen or don't happen the way we'd hoped
but never give up and never loose faith
because it's the dreamers and believers and the doers that in time always find their way home...
Happy New Year's Everyone
here's to 2008!

Well, the meter's a little wonky and the rhyme scheme's a little scatterd, but that's one hell of a stiff upper lip re. "my first solo single." Nicole's righ to look forward to 2008, though, especially because there's only six weeks 'til the start of the search for fresh skanks the search next next Pussycat Doll the reality TV sponsored creation of a whole new Pussycat Dolls spinoff called GIRLICIOUS. Which will air right after Gossip Girl! And before the Wire repeat! May we all get out of this must-see-TV year alive.

End Of The Year 2007 Poem...To You [Pussycat Dolls; HT: my weirdo roommate]

Highlights From Episode 8:

- Finally, this moment is here, the night that millions of Americans have been waiting for. That's right—only one week until Veronica Mars returns! In the meantime, there's some show on about searching for a cat toy or something.

-To fill up time, the producers front-load the show with clips reminding us in which pigeonhole the final three girls belong. Chelsea = former fatty; Asia = current mommy; Melissa R. = completely forgettable. It makes us realize (sadly) that there really was no need to watch the previous seven episodes.

- Robin Antin congratulates the girls on making the final three, then pauses, before offering this further observation: "It's weird right? There's only three of you." Our guess? She was counting during the pause.

- As a group, the girls are assigned "Lady Marmalade." Individually, each girl will perform various Pussycat Doll songs, including "I Don't Need A Man," "Feeling Good," and "Stickwitu." Apparently, "You Ain't My Pal(imony)" and "Sorry, Eye-Lash At You, Girl" were taken.

- The girls have a huge blow-out at four in the morning over we're not quite sure what, and all the drama is captured on night-vision cameras. Melissa R. tells Asia to go to anger management, while Asia tells Melissa R. "to go to psychology and find out who she is." Dang! Actually, just "dang."

- Asia and Melissa R. go at it (again) during dance rehearsals the next day, and it strikes us that the only one way to solve this problem is to have a dance-off. But no, the girls make nice in the end, so that their performances don't suffer. Still, you have to admit a dance-off would have been pretty awesome.

- At the final performance, all three girls handle their songs impressively, although Melissa R. cracks her "Lady Marmalade" notes a bit. During the deliberations, the judges dub Chelsea "a chameleon," Melissa R. "special and unique," and Asia "a star." We go on thesaurus.com to find another word for "under-underwhelmed."

- Robin gets teary-eyed and congratulates all three on finding their inner Pussycat Doll, but then swiftly ejects Chelsea from the competition, leaving Asia and Melissa R. Chelsea heads off to the side and presumably cracks open a package of Ho-Ho's.

- And the winner is....Asia! Mark McGrath removes her boa (and his dignity), and hands Asia a microphone as the Pussycat Dolls arrive to perform with their newest member. Dontcha wish you had never bothered with this show? Dontcha?