Voting for Best Female Video and Best Male Video is open now, and given the image-heavy, clusterfuckish "design" that's been bestowed upon the nomination pages, I'd say that there will be a lot of self-fulfilling prophecizing going on. By which I mean that the "ballots" are initially organized in such a way that the most-viewed clips ("Lollipop" for the Best Male nominees, "No Air" for female, although isn't that technically a duet?) are at the top of the first page, and will thus get clicked on more than any others, save any crazy street-teaming. Which I guess makes sense, in a way. (Something that may be worth chewing on: There are seven pages of Best Male nominees to four pages of those for Best Female.)

Obviously, this is but one of many VMA-related items to come on Idolator, if only because I too am grimly "excited" to see how the producers will top last year's trainwreck of an opening. And I've actually cast a ballot for Rufus Wainwright's version of "Zing! Went The Strings Of My Heart"—because if we're going to be treated to a live re-creation of "Winemouse," the least we could do is try to make the run-up to it somewhat fun.

2008 MTV Video Music Awards [vma.mtv.com]

7:31 p.m. The E! guy just asked Wilco how they went from "alternative" to "rock." This answer could completely revolutionize music writing as we know it.

7:32 p.m. Jeff Tweedy points out that 10 years ago, they were actually folk, thus sending a nation of rock critics to their Tumblr pages.

7:34 p.m. John Fogerty is discussing his fitness regime.

7:38 p.m. Jay-Z's closet is two stories high. He also looks very young this evening, although the tux he's wearing is very sharp.

7:40 p.m. Ludacris is freshly back from Milan! And in all-Armani! The banality is too much to bear! Almost!

7:42 p.m. Cyndi Lauper is an Amy Winehouse fan. I wonder if she's wearing Betsey Johnson? If she's not she should be.

7:44 p.m. John Legend's underwhelming red carpet showing pretty much sums up why he's not the huge megastar that the record industry so wants him to be.

7:48 p.m. Switching to the TV Guide Channel. I can't escape John Legend! He's performing with Fergie tonight!

7:49 p.m. Lisa Rinna looks completely flummoxed by Nas' shirt, which has the title of his album in huge gothic script letters. And Kelis is in a matching jacket! And now Nas is wasting his big stump speech on not sweeping racism under the rug on the freakin' TV Guide Channel.

7:50 p.m. Nas' entourage also includes a couple of white girls in matching dresses. Perhaps we'll see these on the racks at H&M tomorrow?

7:53 p.m. Coming up after the Grammy special: A hard-hitting look at celebrity breakups. Stay tuned?

7:55 p.m. Five minutes to go! A gay man with a black hat and a sinus infection is commenting on dresses and giving Joey Fatone the opportunity to make S & M references!

7:56 p.m. I had to change the channel when will.i.am talked about doing something "for America."

7:58 p.m. We're very close to being done. Here's Natalie Cole, the Best New Artist of 1975! Well at least the E! guy got her year of victory right.

7:59 p.m. It's starting!!

8:00 p.m. Frank Sinatra is reprising his Grammy explanation speech from many years ago. "It Had To Be You" is being cued up by the orchestra... and there's Alicia Keys. AND VIRTUAL FRANK SINATRA, right on her piano!! He's even reflected in the piano. Attention to detail, there.

8:01 p.m. The backdrop drops out! Someone's getting fired by the time 8:30 rolls around.

8:03 p.m. This performance would be a lot better if Sanjaya was singing backup.

8:03 p.m. Dan: "If you're going to do something like this, at least do, like, the Foo Fighters with Kurt Cobain or something."

8:03 p.m. Wow was that anticlimactic. And now Alicia Keys is walking down the runway... and welcoming everyone on behalf of the Chairman of the Board and herself.

8:04 p.m. "To appear on the Grammy Awards is to duet with history," said Alicia Keys.

8:04 p.m. "I'm going to reel off a bunch of legendary musicians' names so you associate me with them," she continued.

8:05 p.m. Carrie Underwood is dueting with freaking Stomp on "Before He Cheats"! While wearing a catsuit.

8:06 p.m. Someone pointed out that she's styled kind of like Nancy Sinatra. "Well, that's the theme tonight," said Dan. "The Sinatras! Someone's going to come out as Frank Jr. next."

8:09 p.m. Prince. Just presenting. Wait, how did Mary J's "Just Fine" squeak in under the deadline? It's not even like it's a good enough song to make exceptions for.

8:10 p.m. Prince: "Frank Sinatra looked good for 150, didn't he?" Bruce Vilanch didn't write that line.

8:12 p.m. Alicia Keys wins Best R & B performance by a woman.

8:16 p.m. 70 million people are watching NCIS. Anyone want to calculate the fraction of people who are watching this broadcast right now?

8:17 p.m. The Time is doing "Jungle Love"! The excitement is punctured a bit by the fact that the mix is really not good, dropping out and all messed-up-levels all over the place.

8:19 p.m. It's a mashup of "Jungle Love" and "Umbrella." Somewhere, the Hood Internet is going into meltdown mode.

8:21 p.m. And now we're into "Don't Stop The Music," and Rihanna is wearing one of Christian Siriano's creations from his Bryant Park show. That was fast!

8:22 p.m. Rihanna: Not so energetic with the "Jungle Love" dance moves there.

8:23 p.m. Tom Hanks is paying tribute to lifetime achievement award winners The Band. Does this mean that Panic At The Disco's cover of "The Weight" is up next?

8:25 p.m. The Beatles changed the history of our planet. And tonight, we honor them by forcing Ringo Starr and Yoko Ono to sit in the same row and making everyone sit through "re-imaginations" of the band's catalog. Can't we just get treated to some footage from A Hard Day's Night?

8:26 p.m. Cirque de Soleil: Redefining the phrase "You Had To Be There" for how many years now?

8:28 p.m. Is it shirking my live-blogging duties if I just close my eyes until the dancing stops? Please say no.

8:29 p.m. The car blew up—the second automobile to get demolished tonight! Is this all some sort of environmental analogy?

8:30 p.m. The aeralist's flopping all over the stage is making me really nervous in an Owen Hart kind of way.

8:30 p.m. The kid who's wearing pants from Urban Outfitters is singing "Let It Be" a capella.

8:31 p.m. And as everyone expected, the song is now being sung by a full-on choir! So when do we all get to go to Beatles church, anyway? If U2 is doing it there has to be some hip priest out there who's reimagining the Gospel as the letters of Lennon & McCartney.

8:33 p.m. That was actually pretty good. Keeping Evan Rachel Wood away from it definitely helped.

8:33 p.m. And from that, we go to... Cyndi Lauper and Miley Cyrus. God bless Cyndi's still strawng Noo Yawk accent.

8:35 p.m. Shocking no one—except maybe Cyndi, who was very happy and surprised!—Amy Winehouse wins Best New Artist.

8:36 p.m. Jason Bateman is surrounded by a plague of gnats while standing outside touting the Foo Fighters' performance in the Staples Center parking lot.

8:37 p.m. Jason's touting of the My Grammy Moment YouTube competition is almost as convincing as Michael Bluth saying "I have no problem with that."

8:37 p.m. They should have really had all the violinists in the My Grammy Moment competition audition with "Cotton Eyed Joe."

8:38 p.m. Jason Bateman just called the cello a "violin with a thyroid problem." And we only have 21 minutes to vote, which means that if this whole five-person room votes three times each, we might be able to swing the ballot.

8:44 p.m. Is it a conspiracy that there's no mention of legally downloading the album of Grammy nominees, or is it just another sign of how "in touch" the music industry is?

8:45 p.m. Kanye West is debuting his light-up glasses and his ... anarchy-symbol fade?

8:47 p.m. Hey look it's Daft Punk! Brooklyn Vegan's commenters are totally going to start crying.

8:49 p.m. Oh maybe his fade says "Mama," since he's performing "Hey Mama" right now.

8:52 p.m. Any goodwill toward the broadcast I might have just evaporated with the phrase "Three-time Grammy winner Fergie."

8:54 p.m. I'm guessing this collaboration is called "Finally." If only Ce Ce Peniston could be here instead.

8:55 p.m. The Best Soundtrack Album category has a Beatles vs. Beatles matchup! Does this mean that they'll split the vote?

8:55 p.m. No. Love wins.

8:58 p.m. Ringo mugs and talks about his son not being able to be there.

9:00 p.m OK, the Webcam ads by E*Trade need to stop ASAP because a) the trend is completely 10 years old and b) the peoples' heads are way too big in 2008-technology TVs.

9:01 p.m. Speaking of old, here's an ad with a girl going to her prom wearing Doc Martens!

9:03 p.m. Cher is wearing a dress that looks like it was a collaboration between Bob Mackie and Jessica McClintock.

9:04 p.m. A jazz remix of "Deja Vu" punctuated by the spoken-word opener from Christina Aguilera's Back To Basics? That's being lipsynced? Yeah, that's a way to introduce Tina Turner.

9:05 p.m. Not to go crazy with the Project Runway references, but why is Tina wearing an outfit made out of a few rolls of fabric from Spandex World's sale rack?

9:07 p.m. Although holy crap, "Better Be Good To Me"!? This song is kind of fire. (Also: Tina's dancing > Rihanna's dancing.)

9:09 p.m. Beyonce dedicated that "working for the man" line in "Proud Mary" to her father in her head.

9:11 p.m. It's nice to know that even after being trotted out by numerous American Idol contestants, karaoke singers, and others, "Proud Mary" is still a blazing song.

9:13 p.m. Nelly Furtado, some woman from some CBS show, and "O.G."—original Grammy host—Andy Williams come out to give Burt Bacharach some props.

9:14 p.m. It's also time to give out Song of The Year. And Amy Winehouse wins for chronicling her troubles. And Nelly Furtado is so excited to hear what she has to say! Which... yeah, I'm just wondering if they're still trying to tape her appearance.

9:20 p.m. Jason Bateman is about to bestow the My Grammy Moment prize. "By the power vested in me by whoever booked me for this gig..." His agent is very fired tomorrow.

9:21 p.m. Of course the chick with the sleeveless shirt won. Of course.

9:23 p.m. The back of the crowd needs to get a little more pepped up about this, you know? It's their moment, too, after all.

9:25 p.m. And now: It's time for the violin solo that (a few people in) America want to hear!

9:26 p.m. Dave Grohl is so freaking psyched! You'd think he just won a ... oh, wait.

9:27 p.m. Surely whoever wrote the copy about Kid Rock and "a new female friend" was trying to inspire many Scott Stapp sex tape-related jokes from the peanut gallery?

9:29 p.m. It would appear that Art Brut is T-Mobile's new Of Montreal, but I won't give them that coronation totally until they rewrite "Formed A Band" for Applebee's.

9:32 p.m. Not content with having George Lopez announce the nominees, now the Grammy powers that be are trotting him out to make "political" ethnic jokes. And he is bombing almost as badly as Sarah Silverman at the VMAs.

9:33 p.m. The glittery shirt that Brad Paisley is wearing is distracting me from this weirdly muted performance of "Ticks." I know that this show got a waiver from the WGA, but did the sound mixers strike by proxy?

9:37 p.m. The not-invisible hand of Matthew Knowles is felt as Solange shows up to present an award with Akon and Chris Brown.

9:38 p.m. Remember when Jay-Z put out Kingdom Come? Yeah, those were the days.

9:39 p.m. Kanye West wins Best Rap Album for Graduation, and a nation holds its breath in anticipation of his acceptance speech. Also: His jacket is still lighting up.

9:40 p.m. Oh no, Kanye is getting played off! But he is soldiering on ... and he forced the playing-off to stop by invoking his mother. Damn. Damn.

9:43 p.m. Aretha Franklin and the "roof-raising" gospel performance are ready ... and playing underneath a giant glowing cross. Wait, does this mean Justice is going to come out?

9:45 p.m. It's a clash of the choirs! Only the choir competing now is more like a brass band with a few ornamental ... vocalists? Lute players?

9:47 p.m. Oh no, they're none of those things—they're their own thing.

9:47 p.m. It's very funny how it's one of the filthier rappers around who's charged with introducing all of the gospel groups.

9:49 p.m. And now for the big medley-closing group sing!

9:51 p.m. That's how to get people pumped for the rest of the show: Footage of some dude in a hoodie singing opera. (And yes, I know it's Josh Groban, but c'mon, if you're gonna be in front of a camera, at least dress up a little.)

9:54 p.m. Man, will.i.am is never going to stop in his quest to make America care about him, is he? Maybe he'd be a bit more sympathetic to his attempts at a recording career if he didn't go around wearing diamond-encrusted ear molds.

9:56 p.m. Dierks Bentley and Carole King are giving Earl Scruggs a Lifetime Achievement Award... and introducing Feist. Oh, I see what they did there!

9:58 p.m. This might be the only point in the night—or in my life—when I would welcome a Kid Rock run-in.

10:00 p.m. And as requested, here's Kid Rock... but he's performing with Keely Smith instead. They are singing "That Old Black Magic." Yes. And there's Dave Koz? And... yeah, Kid, please don't take to covering "Mambo No. 5" anytime soon.

10:01 p.m. Why was David Lee Roth not considered for the Kid Rock slot???

10:03 p.m. And it's Best Rock Album time: Daughtry v. John Fogerty v. Foo Fighters v. Bruce Springsteen v. Wilco. Someone is gonna get robbed, and it's gonna be the guy who was "Alternative" a few years back!

10:04 p.m. Someone sure gave Dave Grohl the Happy Vitamins [tm] tonight. Did you see that hug he gave to Dave Koz?

10:05 p.m. Dear announcers: Please stop saying that we've all been waiting for Amy Winehouse's performance. Please.

10:08 p.m. The more I hear this Mary J. song the more the overly syllabic therapyspeak gets to me.

10:12 p.m. Stevie Wonder continues the "let's make people think Alicia Keys is a legend in the making" campaign by giving Berry Gordy a lifetime achievement award and introducing her second performance of the night.

10:13 p.m. Is that the Edge on guitar?

10:14 p.m. The AMA performance of "No One" > this.

10:15 p.m. And as if to underscore that evaluation, here is JOHN MAYER ON GUITAR.

10:16 p.m. Joe: "Every generation gets the Clapton it deserves. And John Mayer is all we're worth."

10:17 p.m. Two balding, bearded men in shades. And Ringo just egregiously used the word "Fab." Get it? Get it???

10:18 p.m. Best Country Album: The only country album worthy of an Album of the Year nod. And here's another user-generated ad, where a woman gets a chance to win the part of... a Grammy babe? Wow, talk about setting the bar low.

10:23 p.m. How are there so many commercials on this? Is time expanding to fill the space in my brain that's left from me anticipating a VMA-style clusterfuck this evening?

10:25 p.m. It's time for some CBS cross-promotion: Joe Mantegna and a last.fm ad. Well, I guess they figure they need something for the non-pop-music portion of the evening.

10:26 p.m. And now: "Rhapsody In Blue." Wouldn't this have made more sense for the orchestral competition? C'mon, United Airlines could have sponsored the contest!

10:28 p.m. I am so engrossed in my liveblogging that I just now realized that drummer extraordinare Christopher Weingarten has been beatboxing along with the song for the past 45 seconds.

10:30 p.m. So when does everyone break into "Dueling Banjos"?

10:32 p.m. Or maybe trot out Woody Allen for a little clarinet action?

10:33 p.m. Juanes is totally giving Taylor Swift the stinkeye. Or is it the "hey baby" eye? And why are they presenting Best Rap/Sung Collaboration?

10:34 p.m. "Umbrella" wins, prompting Rihanna to drag Jay-Z up to the stage and... call him Dad?

10:35 p.m. Jay is translating Rihanna's accent into Self-Aggrandizing.

10:39 p.m. The Happy Meal ad with "Cha Cha Slide" is making me think of going to Shea! (I know, I know, you're shocked.) Yay!

10:41 p.m. Cuba Gooding Jr. introduces Amy Winehouse, perhaps to serve as a reminder that winning a big award doesn't necessarily mean that your career is actually going to be successful if you don't play your cards right.

10:42 p.m. She really does rely on tics a lot for her "performance," eh.

10:43 p.m. Well, she got through one song... and here's "Rehab."

10:45 p.m. I know I've watched a lot of American Idol the past few weeks, but SImon's calling people "demonic" is echoing in my head right now.

10:46 p.m. It was a very "fuck you" performance to be sure, but eh, I'm kinda lukewarm on it. I'm the only person in the room who feels this way, I should point out.

10:49 p.m. Record of the Year time. It's a Natalie Cole-Tony Bennett lovefest! There's no way "Rehab" doesn't win this, given the timing.

10:50 p.m. "Rehab" wins. Oh man, they cut to the Amy reaction shot. She's crying; big pile on Amy; people in the London crowd chanting "Amy, Amy, Amy"; she has no idea what to say. Her speech... it started off slow, then gained momentum, and she maintained. Now that is a Grammy moment, not a dumb YouTube tie-in.

10:56 p.m. Is it lame that I realized the version of "I Wanna Rock" in this WaMu ad was a re-recording of the song, like, right away?

10:57 p.m. Ohh... it's Neil Portnow to drop some numbers. 7,578 Grammys given out over time. And now it's a pre-taped package touting the Grammy Museum, which opens this fall. Perhaps I'll be able to at least get a press pass to visiting that place.

10:58 p.m. The performance royalty for radio gets a smattering of applause.

10:59 p.m. OK, I can totally get behind music in the public schools. Signed, Recovering Orchestra Geek.

11:00 p.m. No one in the audience understands "The Next 50 Is Here" either. Which means it's time to bring out the dead people!

11:02 p.m. Man, this was a bad year for musicians. Boots Randolph and Don Ho and the guy who came up with Sesame Street Disco and Joe Zawinul?

11:03 p.m. Oh no, finishing with Pavarotti means it's time for Josh Groban and Andrea Bocelli. I guess they had to keep the Oprah crowd around somehow... but are any of them even awake by now?

11:04 p.m. Also: No mention of Stockhausen during the dead people montage? Or the Hawthorne Heights guy? Hmm.

11:07 p.m. Still remaining in the broadcast: Album of the Year and the John Fogerty/Little Richard/Jerry Lee Lewis performance. If that closes the show, it'll be the ultimate tribute to the Grammys' iron grip on the pop music landscape of the present moment.

11:12 p.m. And as if to underscore the above statement, here's Bonnie Raitt!

11:13 p.m. So are there real for-hire writers writing this thing? Because between the "fab" non-pun and the awkward "fortunate son" interpolation... wow.

11:14 p.m. It looks like Kenny Aronoff borrowed Kanye West's shades.

11:14 p.m. Jerry Lee Lewis: For 73, he sounds pretty decent. And shit, I have to be sorta deferent to the man who wrote "Great Balls O' Fire."

11:17 p.m. Let's all take a moment to remember this singular moment in Little Richard's career. (And FYI, he's 76.) Also, anyone who ever wrote a song for a stripper that hit the top 10 should thank Little Richard for knocking down that door.

11:21 p.m. But... is that going to be the last musical performance of the night? Really?

11:22 p.m. Barack Obama is now a Grammy winner. He sure has had a good weekend.

11:24 p.m. A non-rhetorical question for all of you: What's the song in the Grammy CD ads that I keep thinking might be Bad Religion but is probably not because, I mean, come on, right?

11:25 p.m. will.i.am doing "Mack The Knife" as a Grammy-fellating rap! Why do people think that America wants to hear anything that this guy has to say in 2008?

11:25 p.m. Oh my God, it's a medley of Grammy-winning songs. Like "Don't Worry Be Happy." And "Beautiful Day." And ... "Beat It"? It's time for the Michael Jackson tribute!

11:27 p.m. Quincy Jones just said that Mark Ronson is going to enjoy his Producer Of The Year award... and his tone implied that said "enjoyment" would be sorta conjugal. Oh man that gramophone hole....

11:28 p.m. Whose "I have to win" pose is more urgent... Amy Winehouse or Kanye West's?

11:28 p.m. HAHA EVERYONE GOT PWNED BY THE TRIBUTE TO THE OLD PERSON WINNING

11:29 p.m. Oh really, come on you guys if you didn't at least think that Herbie Hancock paying tribute to Joni Mitchell would sway at least half the people who voted for Steely Dan over Eminem a few years back you haven't been paying attention.

11:30 p.m. Plus it featured a bunch of Grammy-bait artists! Norah Jones! Corinne Bailey Rae! Tina Turner! And Leonard Cohen. I mean, really.

11:38 p.m. Wait, it's over?

11:38 p.m. Confetti, credits, and "Sgt. Pepper." There's that commitment to the now!

11:39 p.m. I know that live TV is a pain, but you'd think that at least someone would know when everyone was saying thanks and good night?

And it's only made better by the fact that the "official" caption calls the assemblage above "Nominee for Best Metal Performance Slayer [and] his family."

[Photo: Getty Images]

7:58 p.m. NASCAR is the lead-in for the AMAs, clearly a Hail Mary pass to get some viewers. Also, there are performers from last year's show who will not be on tonight in the ad listing "10 reasons to not miss tonight's show," which is another troubling sign. And wait, isn't Celine supposed to be performing too?

8:00 p.m. Fergie and will.i.am start the show. will.i.am is already getting bleeped! And he's wearing a top hat as he does the robot next to this poorly miced performance of "Fergalicious."

8:01 p.m. Will Fergie at least give will.i.am a chance to flog his record? Apparently not, because he's walking offstage.

8:02 p.m. The intro to "Clumsy": "I'm gonna take you way back ... to when I was in high school." Also: I have officially cooled on this song. Blame the Maya Rudolph spoken-word breakdown.

8:03 p.m. She is scatting the intro to "Big Girls Don't Cry." Will everyone get to do one verse of three songs? Have the AMAs' producers taken their attention-span cues from the VMAs?

8:04 p.m. Serenitaaaaayyyyy.

8:05 p.m. Kate and I agree: Fergie is putting in a caliber of performance that is at least worthy of a high school talent show. It's no Martika on public access, but she did have the advantage of lipsyncing. And that weirdo host. Who is much, much more charismatic than Jimmy Kimmel.

8:07 p.m. will.i.am gets his chance to flog his record! But it's in big letters behind him that read like they say "will.i.am thugs-n-harmony." And he can't sing. And his target demo is probably distracted by the prominent nipples on the mannequins he's performing in front of.

8:07 p.m. Is there live Vocodering??

8:08 p.m. Jess: "It's like Wyclef and Jermaine Dupri had the most annoying baby ever. This guy has less talent than Pras."

8:10 p.m. And continuing the "Interscope Records Would Like You To Care About its Artists Again" theme, it's Nicole Scherzinger, who apparently borrowed Fergie's dress backstage. She is singing "Baby Love" and imploring the crowd to The crowd is not so into the waving.

8:11 p.m. Not the Scherzinger head-voice! Noooo!

8:13 p.m. Jimmy Kimmel is hosting drunk. And he didn't write any jokes! The rest of the world has to sit through "made up crap," and he's going to entertain you with his dancing ability.

8:14 p.m. NO JIMMY. DON'T DO THE SOULJA BOY DANCE. WHERE IS BAMBI WHERE YOU NEED HIM.

8:15 p.m. Gary LeVox just LeVoxed "cock" five times in a row.

8:15 p.m. The only people willing to do the Soulja Boy dance are the former Idol contestants. This says something about Simon Fuller's brainwashing capabilities.

8:16 p.m. Three hours of Jimmy Kimmel vamping. Oh but wait, here's Soulja Boy to save the day!

8:17 p.m. Jimmy Kimmel is legit wasted. And Carrie Underwood is wearing a dress made of shredded paper towels as she presents the Breakthrough Artist award. I'm hoping the Plain White T's win, just so I can see Kate shake her head at America's youth.

8:19 p.m. Daughtry wins. Thank Ed Kowalczyk!

8:20 p.m. Kate and Jess have left my side in order to help me move. Thanks, guys!

8:21 p.m. What? Of Montreal in an ad? It's a joke ad about an Of Montreal reunion tour, predicated on their breaking up and inevitable reunion. Which I guess is pretty prescient given that everyone's reuniting nowadays, but does this seem like the most inside joke ever? And why did the ad execs not hire me to put said ad together?

8:24 p.m. James Blunt was said to have "many hits" by the announcer, although it sounds like he was trying to not crack up while he uttered said line. Also, no writers means no lame pre-canned banter between Christina Applegate and Mr. Beautiful, which is nice.

8:25 p.m. Rascal Flatts wins favorite country group. Maybe this means that Gary will get some tea before he goes onstage this time.

8:26 p.m. How you can tell that the record industry is writing the scripts: OneRepublic's new album's drop date was incorporated into their intro. And OneRepublic was totally shitfaced as they introduced Avril Lavigne.

8:27 p.m. Avril's eye makeup is almost giving her a bit of a personality! But mainly because she looks like Kristen Bell as a result. Also, is she wearing Dansko clogs?

8:28 p.m. Joe just walked in and asked, "Sheryl Crow?"

8:29 p.m. IM exchange happening next to me right now:
RoommateOfJess: She's not even playing her signature guitar.
jessdolator: she's playing her signature "awful fucking vocals"
RoommateOfJess: the preferred instrument of all performers this evening, so far.
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

8:30 p.m. Rascal Flatts. It's too soon! Maybe they asked to be on early so they could start in on their game of Quarters.

8:32 p.m. For those of you keeping score: Jess has flipped me off for the first time this evening!

8:33 p.m. I feel like I have said so much about the abject craposity of Rascal Flatts over the past two weeks. But is it too much? Because really, this is just some stuff that, were it 15 years ago, it would be like sub-Steelheart on Headbangers' Ball.

8:34 p.m Norah Jones! Remember her?

8:35 p.m. Up next: Maroon 5 and the Jonas Brothers. They should do a very special version of "Wake Up Call," together, that ends in a shootout.

8:37 p.m. So if there's no writers, how are they going to pad this out to the full three hours? Will Jimmy Kimmel sing "Crazy Frog (Axel F)" at 9:15?

8:39 p.m. Ryan Seacrest is gonna show Jimmy Kimmel how to host a show.

8:39 p.m. Wait, no he isn't. He did plug his radio show, though.

8:40 p.m. Everybody, sing along! "She willlll be lovvvvved..." Oh, wait.

8:42 p.m. This is not going to help that Universal investment in Octone much.

8:43 p.m. Do you remember Ashanti? Apparently, we have to. Also, apparently she is now an author.

8:44 p.m. Akon wins favorite male artist. But he brings T-Pain up on stage, because he thinks T-Pain deserves it more! Oh, this is a definite "We Are The World" moment. And now T-Akon is getting played off, because everybody's drunk.

8:45 p.m. The "Weird Al" appearance proves that this show was, at one time, entertaining. But really, if they're padding out the non-written segments of tonight's ceremony with flashback segments already? Oh, America. Oh, music.

8:48 p.m. The All-American Rejects are selling Ford. With a song that I kinda like.

8:49 p.m. Jimmy Kimmel is back. We're not even an hour in, and he's already slurring his words.

8:50 p.m. The intro for the Jonas Brothers is making the girls scream uncontrollably. And Jess got so excited he almost fell on me.

8:50 p.m. TEENAGE GIRLS RUSH THE STAGE. And one of the Jonas Brothers falls! Wait, are they drunk too? Aren't they too young for that sort of thing? I hope the girls got some Everclear in their complimentary Love's Baby Soft!

8:52 p.m. Jess is comparing tonight's Jonas Brothers performance to their vamp-filled outing during the Miss Teen USA pageant, and he's sad that the backing vocals are canned. But c'mon, they can't walk on broken glass and sing at the same time!

8:54 p.m. Fabolous and Taylor Swift present Favorite Pop/Rock Male, which pits Justin Timberlake against Timbaland against Akon. Jess: "Taylor Swift looks like they put a ho wig on a Siamese cat."

8:54 p.m. Justin Timberlake is trying to pretend to care in his canned acceptance speech. And Jimmy Kimmel is in Kid Rock's seat! Because the producers are resorting to recreations of moments at the VMAs. Tonight, they are coming to blows over Celine Dion. This is what happens when you are without writers, I guess.

8:57 p.m. Jess' stuck-in-Jersey-with-a-full-bar roommate: "I wish you were here to put away more of the Macallan 18. but this is really more of a Canadian Club night."

8:59 p.m. As if to taunt me, my TiVo just offered to record Law & Order: SVU. And it's a chat room episode!!! I am so tempted, you guys.

9:00 p.m. What chart did Kellie Pickler's album "debut at No. 1" on?

9:01 p.m. Favorite soundtrack: Dreamgirls, Hairspray , High School Musical 2. It's Zac Efron against Zac Efron! And High School Musical 2 wins. Look, Vanessa Hudgens is wearing clothes.

9:02 p.m. Rihanna and the Kronos Quartet perform "Umbrella."

9:03 p.m. Rihanna is dressed like a flapper who came fully formed from the sea. And here's Ne-Yo! This show—and pop music in general—needs more Ne-Yo. Why has "Addicted" not been released as a single? Also, did you all know that Good Girl Gone Bad hasn't broken the million-sold mark yet, despite two of its songs being pretty much ubiquitous? Or maybe because of that fact?

9:12 p.m. Was that just eight minutes of commercials and promos for ABC? No, wait, there are more ABC promos, because here are two people from Grey's Anatomy who aren't McDreamy! (I think.)

9:13 p.m. Favorite Country Female Carrie Underwood is such a pro that the "Oh my gosh"ing seems a wee little bit facetious.

9:14 p.m. And the Grey's Anatomy people are back! And warning us that we'll be talking about this performance tomorrow.

9:14 p.m. Sugarland performing "Irreplaceable." Wait, when did I start watching The Next Great American Band?

9:15 p.m. Jess: "This sounds like the theme to Mama's Family." And now here's Beyonce, and she's a little confused by the new rhythm!

9:17 p.m. Why has no one cut to a reaction shot of Ne-Yo looking really uncomfortable yet?

9:18 p.m. I have no idea who any of these people are.

9:19 p.m. Daughtry wins Favorite Adult Contemporary. He's kind of dorky! And he's thanking his band, although pointing out what their names are would have been nice.

9:20 p.m. Great Moments In Celine Dion History. Man, between this and the "Oh, right, Norah Jones had an album come out" nostalgia, I am starting to think that the next great think-piece revolution will be about the decline and fall of "lite rock" as a new-music sales force.

9:27 p.m. Everyone, apparently, is waiting for someone to happen. Also, one way they're making up for no writers: MORE ADS. Seriously, nothing happened in those seven minutes, I swear.

9:27 p.m. You guys! Celine Dion is edgy! And we don't mean the profile cut by the fact that she has 0.09% body fat!

9:27 p.m. Oh, she sort of wandered into the song here. Isn't she charging $500 a seat for her tour? Apparently you'll get a Britney-level sleepwalk for your money.

9:29 p.m. Joe just walked in. "Is this Martina McBride?"

9:30 p.m. When even Celine Dion is sounding inert, you know that there are problems.

9:31 p.m. Like I am wishing that she'd perform the Titanic song! And now Lenny Kravitz is performing ... a ballad ...

9:33 p.m. I guess this is his new single. The chorus is "whenever you call me, I'll be waiting." It'll be in a Sprint ad by the time this blog is over.

9:34 p.m. Really, are there still people who are Lenny Kravitz fans? Are there people who turned into this broadcast specifically for the premiere of this song? Does he have fanboys who track his every move on the Internet? Also, as Kate noted: Is he using the same string section he used in the "It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over" video?

9:36 p.m. That song was one big pile of meh.

9:36 p.m. Clearly, Sean Kingston is eating really well as a result of his success.

9:38 p.m. Justin Timberlake wins Favorite Soul Album. And he sooooo does not care.

9:39 p.m. Who else is just waiting for Duran Duran to show up at this point? Hands?

9:42 p.m. Me: "Aww, remember Michael Jackson?" Kate: "Who's that?"

9:43 p.m. At this point I think they should just have people covering Eddie Murphy's "Party All The Time" on loop.

9:43 p.m. YES. THE OOPS HEARD AROUND THE WORLD IS RELIVED.

9:43 p.m. Wait, it's Mel B! Does this mean that the Spice Girls surprise performance we were all waiting for is really happening????

9:44 p.m. No, it's just another Chris Brown Awards Show Blowout.

9:44 p.m. Chris Brown is Tron!

9:45 p.m. Oh, these outfits look so stupid when the lights are on. Can no one do anything right?

9:46 p.m. We're at the point where T-Pain and blacklights are getting ovations. I call a do-over. Although at least T-Pain's mic is actually on.

9:47 p.m. Hooray, upside-down dancing. Where is Lionel Richie?

9:48 p.m. All those Hannah Montana ticket sales allowed Miley Cyrus to get her teeth fixed. You know, wouldn't it have been nice if she'd performed? To comfort all the kids who got left out in the cold?

9:49 p.m. Carrie Underwood wins some award that people on one mobile carrier were allowed to vote for and that wasn't announced via opening of envelope, but of text message. And OMG, she's so excited! "This is a great niiiiight!"

9:49 p.m. Not that I'm complaining, but when was the last time Kimmel was on camera?

9:54 p.m. And it's another "remember when" moment, where we all bask in the glory of an off-key Alicia Keys/Usher performance.

9:54 p.m. There's Kimmel again, making a dumb face as he waits for the camera to come back on him. And making a joke about his son losing his virginity to Ashley Tisdale and/or Vanessa Hudgens. Too soon? Ah, fuck it, who cares. It's time for Favorite Pop/Rock Album! I keep typing "best," even though that word is so beside the point tonight.

9:56 p.m. Vanessa and Ashley say "Daughtryyyyy..." in a totally weirdo-paedo way. And even though he can't believe he was up against Linkin Park and Justin Timberlake, everyone here can.

9:57 p.m. Tomorrow's Google Trends No. 1: "Daughtry wife." Or "Daughtry wife boobs." C'mon, searchers, bring it on.

9:58 p.m. Did you guys know that Alicia Keys is this generation's Stevie Wonder and/or Ray Charles?

9:59 p.m. And now it's time for a live reggae remix of "No One" featuring Jr. Reid. But you know what's going to be No.2 on Google Trends tomorrow? "Alicia Keys cameltoe."

10:01 p.m. Oh man, now it's Chaka Demus and Pliers doing "Murder She Wrote"! OK, this is now kind of awesome.

10:02 p.m. And now it's Beenie Man. I like to think that this is Alicia's attempt to say "fuck you" to the Chicago Tribune's Greg Kot for calling "No One" warmed-over Bob Marley.

10:04 p.m. Metallic jeans: A better or worse fashion trend than fedoras? I can't decide.

10:07 p.m. Jimmy Kimmel is even drunker, and trying to get Beyonce to say bad things about her dad.

10:07 p.m. Tony Hawk? Tony Hawk?

10:08 p.m. OK, Tony Hawk gets points for loving "A View To A Kill."

10:09 p.m. John Taylor is ageless. He's going to be 90 and I'm still going to want him.

10:10 p.m. Despite having the opening guitar riff from "Jolene," Duran Duran's new song is still not very exciting. Why is everyone releasing ballads right now? We need fun songs to lift us from the pre-recession-holiday doldrums!

10:12 p.m. America has chosen "Hungry Like The Wolf." I hate you, America.

10:13 p.m. OK I don't hate this song. Maybe I should hate Tony Hawk for putting the possibility of "A View To A Kill" in my head.

10:14 p.m. What the fuck was that high voice, Simon LeBon?

10:14 p.m. A lone Durannie in the middle of the audience gives the band a standing ovation.

10:14 p.m. And now Slash is hugging Simon LeBon. And Weiland has turned into Luke Perry! I love the '90s.

10:16 p.m. Carrie Underwood really needs to fucking stop acting surprised. Instead, she should just start singing "Sweet Child O'Mine" and have Slash pick up a guitar.

10:17 p.m. "And now he's conquered the fragrance world." Oh, Ush.

10:18 p.m. Well, a long recitation of Beyonce's achievements (150 awards? Huh?) will certainly eat up time that could have been taken up by segments that were actually written to be recited by other people. Bruce Vilanch, all is forgiven.

10:20 p.m. Beyonce is falling out of her dress. And crying. Aww, she thanked Kelly Rowland and Michelle Whatshername, though.

10:25 p.m. More commercials. Only 35 minutes to go, everyone! Will Daughtry perform with Soulja Boy? Will this split-personality birth control pill ad firmly cement the "LOL @ PMS making women ca-razy" stereotyping? Will I manage to stay awake?

10:27 p.m. Jimmy Kimmel is so, so, so very drunk, introducing Snoop as "Snoop D-O-Double-dizzle-da-zizz-G."

10:28 p.m. Mary J. Blige is in a black catsuit and sunglasses. Even though this song is part of her "Everything is awesome and I'm happy" period. This song is not as good as the Lauryn Hill song from that penguin movie earlier this year, I have to say.

10:30 p.m. What would make this show exciting? Pyro? Pre-taped performances in hotel suites? Not opening with a medley that was 66% comprised of flops of the year? I guess i'm just trying to think about how this all could be better. Also, it's perhaps notable that this show has a zero percent quotient of mall emo.

10:31 p.m. Mary J. has nice teeth.

10:32 p.m. Fuck Kid Rock. (Hi Bob, e-mail me!)

10:32 p.m. Bone Thugs-N-Harmony wins the favorite rap group. Over Pretty Ricky! They are thanking the Lord, but they really should be thanking Lindsey Buckingham.

10:34 p.m. The Old Navy Fashion Report presents ... a bunch of clothes that are way out of the Old Navy price range. And Rihanna's one-woman attempt to bring back fingerless gloves.

10:38 p.m. It's Amanda Bynes, introducing ... Queen Latifah. Who is way, way far down Norah Jones Lane.

10:39 p.m. And unfortunately, Norah Jones Lane is in a slightly crappier part of town than "Kissing A Fool" by George Michael. Although nicking the saxophone part from Glenn Frey's "You Belong To The City" was a nice touch.

10:42 p.m. They certainly gave her a lot of airtime.

10:43 p.m. Favorite Soul/R&B Female Artist. Presented by Akon. The winner: Rihanna. The apologizer: Akon? Maybe?

10:44 p.m. Rihanna is full of love for everyone!

10:46 p.m. Kate's 14-year-old sister is not watching the American Music Awards. Because she's never heard of them. Maybe we need some demographic tweaking here?

10:48 p.m. That may also explain the absence of mall emo.

10:49 p.m. Do you know who has the best-selling album of 2007? Why does Jimmy Kimmel take this opportunity to make a Mighty Mighty Bosstones joke? Guess he hasn't heard about the reunion.

10:49 p.m. Daughtry's "Home" uses the exact same opening chord progression as "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." What would happen right now if Chad Kroeger did a run-in? Would America go insane? Also, does it count as "acoustic" if the strings are turned up to 11?

10:51 p.m. Oh, hell no: Daughtry's AMAs are part of his stage set. And they are underneath a lamp. That is the awards-show equivalent of wearing the band's shirt to a show.

10:52 p.m. Also: The troops. But they are second fiddle to the little glass obelisks.

10:53 p.m. Gene Simmons, lover of whores, is presenting the Favorite Pop/Rock Female award. It's Fergie vs. Avril vs. Beyonce. And the winner is Fergie. And she is really playing the "What? Me?" thing up, trembly hand to the chest and all.

10:55 p.m. Oh come on Stacy, you were on Kids Incorporated. Don't act so ingenue-y. And thank your meth habit for giving you a backstory that you could endlessly flog.

10:56 p.m. It's over! People are streaming for the aisles! Steve Vai apparently did the outro music! And for the second year in a row, the show runs early, even though there are, according to the chryon just flashed on the screen, about 15 awards that weren't presented on the show for "time reasons."

10:59 p.m. Those awards, in case you were wondering:
Nickelback - Favorite Pop/Rock Band/Duo/Group (don't get too specific there, guys)
Casting Crowns - Favorite Contemporary Inspirational Artist
T.i. - Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Album, Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Male Artist (what, you couldn't get him to appear via Webcam?)
Jennifer Lopez - Favorite Latin Music Artist
Tim McGraw - Favorite Country Male Artist
Linkin Park - Favorite Alternative Rock Music Artist

And that's it. God, I hate just ending these liveblogs with no pithy sign-off or "what does it all mean" statement, but the show just sort of... ended. No big finish, unless you count Daughtry showing off his freshly won awards, which probably made Taylor Hicks cry a couple of wampy tears. I want to say that the state of popular music today contributed to this show's overall feeling of "meh," but really, the AMAs were never where you went to for the exciting musical contributions to pop culture, save for that one time that Slash was drunk. And he was pretty sober tonight, even though no one else was! Which I guess says something for his commitment to making shitty music with Luke Perry for at least another album or so. And that means only one thing: See you all at the Peach Pit!

Lemme tell you, it's usually far less glamorous than this.

The full list of performers for Sunday night:
Mary J. Blige
Chris Brown
Daughtry
Celine Dion
Duran Duran
Fergie
Jonas Brothers
Alicia Keys
Avril Lavigne
Lenny Kravitz
Maroon 5
Queen Latifah
Rascal Flatts
Rihanna
Nicole Scherzinger
Sugarland
will.i.am

Talk about starpower! (Is the music industry ever going to stop trying to throw Lenny Kravitz our way?) And there's a "special appearance" by Beyoncé, who presumably isn't performing because she only does that sort of thing for people who throw her gobs of cash (or lipstick) these days. Anyway, a year ago, the AMAs were the reason for Idolator's first liveblog ever, and I'm going to be back this Sunday at 8 p.m. ET—on a new couch!—to do it all over again. Join me, won't you? After all, I need something to remind me that sitting through three Rascal Flatts TV appearances in the space of two weeks is worth it.

''2007 American Music Awards'' Announces Full List of Performers and Presenters for Live Show November 18 on ABC [BusinessWire]

8:04 p.m. What's happening? Maura's here behind me in this venue but I can't see her. Patrick Stump just showed up during Lupe Fiasco's show opening performance. Maura's freakin' out right now probably. So Lupe Fiasco just performed. I just got off the red carpet. I'll tell you about it later. Kenan Thompson showed up for some reason. He was high and delightful and made the press tent smell like weed. Almost the highlight (pun intended?) except for when I gave Rilo Kiley some M&Ms. More later. Woodie of the year goes to...

Gym Class Heroes. Laaame

8:15 p.m. We're on a commercial break, thank God. This event is strange, but kind of neat, actually. All the artists are just hanging out on uncomfortable-looking bar stools by the stage. A Shins song is playing. It's so college!

8:17 p.m. Maura is here like a crazy ghost I can't see. She's IMing me from her mobile device. Her fashion commentary: "also: the fedoras need to stop all around."

8:22 p.m. Fall Out Boy is presenting Best Video. Pete Wentz is talking waaaay too much. Being in like 7th grade talking about how he can say fuck on mtvU. That's great, Pete. Put Patrick Stump on the mic. Also part of the copy for this award presentation is "The mtvU award for best video isn't about cinematography..." SHITTY VIDEOS WIN AWARDS! The winner is...

Say Anything, Pete's "personal favorite record of the year."

8:26 p.m. Kenan Thompson is high and requesting that everyone in college "make some noise." Please let him run this whole show from here on out. He just said "FUCK the POlice." He's introduced Tokyo Police Club. I like this song, plus the lead singer and I had a moment on the red carpet laughing about Woodie puns. They sound pretty good. Maura says: BLOG BAND.

8:30 p.m. Ohh! Two songs from one band...at an awards show! Maybe this mtvU is okay after all. It would be better if the blog zombies could sit closer to the stage, though...I can't really see anything at all.

8:34 p.m. I feel like The Shins are going to sweep this bullshit. Figures.

8:40 p.m. Maura just sat down next to me with a vodka drink. This night is full of surprises!

8:45 p.m. Finally back from the "commercial break," which can be as mercifully long as need be. Talib Kweli just introduced some guy with backup dancers in fluorescent bikinis. No joke. Ok, I'm pretty sure this is Spank Rock. I can barely see what's going on. The bass is out of hand in this place. There are like 10 "fine ass dancin' girls" on the stage. They don't really have a routine, but that's okay. They're wearing fluorescent spandex. Lots of awkward white kids on stage now dancing. What's going on? The stage kind of just turned into a weird club full of fine ass dancin' girls and white college kids. The song has gone on too long. Not fun from the back of the room...

8:54 p.m. The Academy Is...just won some sort of viral video award. They were negative about the fanfic when asked on the red carpet. But more on that later.

8:57 p.m. Tom DeLonge is presenting the Best Music on Campus award. Indirectly alluding to Blink 182. You know, back when he was fun and not a pretentious ass hole. Anyway, these bands are college kids who put out their own stuff, I think. One of them who showed up on the red carpet was so fucking obnoxious. I hope they lose. They're sitting right in front of us. Okay, they didn't win. All is right. A band called Stella by Starlight won. I think they're from Duke. They were nice, but a little boring on the red carpet.

9:01 p.m. Aw, they just said "Now we got a Woodie!" in their acceptance speech. Thanks for this endless dumb wordplay, mtvU.

9:10 p.m. Annie Lennox is at the podium. Nobody knows why she's here. Something humanitarian or some shit. Bring back Gym Class Heroes! Just kidding, that band makes me want to hide in a box underground. I can't really hear Annie. Okay, she's presenting the "Good Woodie." Seems like nobody is listening because they're all like "Who's this old lady?" Shame on these people for talking so much during her presentation. Why isn't Fall Out Boy nominated for their Invisible Children video? The guy from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus just stood on the table and screamed about being nominated for his charity award. Classy.The winner is...Guster! The crowd is pretty unenthusiastic. Poor Guster.

Haha a security guy just made dude from Red Jumpsuit Apparatus get off the table!

9:17 p.m. The Academy Is...performing. You know how I feel about them already.

9:25 p.m. The Academy Is...doing another song. They're playing great, but this venue is kind of dead, or maybe it just seems that way SO FAR FROM THE STAGE.

9:32 p.m. Spank Rock just drank something out of a high heel shoe right in front of us. He appears to be guest blogging for Alex Blagg right now. This is a weird event with a lot of down time during which drunk non-famous music people can act like fools. That's what's happening here.

9:45 p.m. (Yes, there was that long of a break) Say Anything are drunk and trying to read the teleprompter. Oh lord. Presenting the Breaking Woodie. And the award goes to...

Boys Like Girls. Oof, that just broke my woodie.

9:48 p.m. Rilo KILEY! Playing fucking MONEYMAKER. Fuck that. I'm still bitter. And I genuinely do hate this song, although they're doing a much better acoustic version of it. I can live with that, I guess.

9:54 p.m. Now they're playing "Breaking Up." Eh. Also she IS wearing hot pants. And playing a cowbell. Get out of here with this song.

9:57 p.m. It's done. I have no particular feelings on this night.

8:00 p.m. It's country music's biggest night! And we're kicking off with Rascall Flatts! Gary LeVox (the voice, you know) is in a shirt that's sparkly, yet tasteful.

8:01 p.m. Judging by the video projections behind this performance of the title song from the new Rascal Flatts album, the band is really angling for an endorsement deal with VW buses.

8:02 p.m. This song is not bad, in a "1984 track by Loverboy, but with banjo" way.

8:03 p.m. Now, the video behind the band has turned into a montage of past CMA glories! It looks like Monday Night Football.

8:04 p.m. Ah, so they're getting the ABC cross-promotion into the show's mix right off with Nashville-born Desperate Housewives star very woodenly reading from the teleprompter. It's apparently another one of those multi-headed-hydra-hosted affairs, no doubt for the sake of maximum cross-promotion.

8:05 p.m. Miranda Lambert singing "Gunpowder and Lead," one of my favorite songs of the past year, and looking kind of like she just flew in from a Cheryl Tiegs convention. Like, on the wing of whatever plane she was traveling on.

8:07 p.m. Yay, Miranda. Your album deserves to sell more!

8:08 p.m. Poor Gretchen Wilson, getting Kid Rock's cooties on her. And now, Sheryl Crow is trying to make the Jewel move, affecting a really terrible Southern accent while presenting the Single of the Year award ... until she starts reading from the Teleprompter.

8:09 p.m. Jessica SImpson is in the audience, too. Man, everyone is trying for the crossover right now. Is the pop market that dead?

8:09 p.m. "Before He Cheats" is Single of the Year, which is like, duh. (Poor "Ticks," though.)

8:11 p.m. Nice timing of the extended Carrie Underwood clip with the announcement of the Song Of The Year award coming up! Don't want to fuel those conspiracy theories too much, guys.

8:14 p.m. Sign that the rush for Nashville is getting a little too crowded: Even Robin Williams is trying for a country crossover.

8:15 p.m. The Desperate Housewives guy is back to introduce George Strait. This whole show really just seems like a calm, nice bath after the Adderall-infected mess that was the VMAs. I feel so calm! And George Strait's summery midtempo song about cowgirls is just making my mood even sunnier!

8:18 p.m. This may be the most pro-strong-woman song I've heard in a pop-music context since the mid-'90s. "She can do just fine on her own two feet / But she wants a man who wants her to be herself"? I'm in love.

8:20 p.m. Montgomery Gentry presents the Song of the Year award. And it goes to ... "Give It Away" by George Strait, thus setting up the first "winner plays before getting his award."

8:22 p.m. Ha ha, the songwriter thanked his ex-wife! For... "being such a good mother!" And apparently she deserves her half of his winnings, ha ha.

8:23 p.m. The Desperate Housewives guy is still "hosting." And introducing Taylor Swift. Who is coming out of a... flower? Is this sponsored by Tampax now?

8:24 p.m. Um... who wears gloves while playing guitar?

8:24 p.m. Oh, no one taught her how to not spit her 'p's into the wireless mic yet. But, to quote Randy Jackson, she is only 17. And this song's pretty cute.

8:26 p.m. The "twirling her hair during the cutest lyrics" routine is a little old, though. Also, I will bet you that guitar isn't miked, and is just there as a sparkly prop.

8:27 p.m. COMING UP (much much later): THE EAGLES. DUDE.

8:28 p.m. Plucked from the comments section: "A friend of mine is in one of tonight's multi-nominated acts tells me most of these performers are of course not playing or singing live. Sugarland apparently kinda freaks them out backstage by insisting on doing it all fer real." I don't know, those spitty 'p' sounds sure didn't sound like they were taped! Although maybe that was an effect, too? God, who can tell anymore, really?

8:32 p.m. And now we have the "marching band and Brad Paisley" performance, in which the geekiest thing you can do offline—i.e. be a band geek—is brought together with Paisley's ode to being a MySpace dork. OK this conceptually is amazing.

8:32 p.m. He is performing in The Matrix !!! But there's a marching band!

8:34 p.m. I am really identifying with this song way too much. Brad, if you ever need to get in the head of a professional blogger, let me know!

8:35 p.m. Oh wait, now he's dancing with actual girls? See, this would never happen on the Internet. But the marching band is back to rescue the geek quotient!

8:36 p.m. Apparently those ladies were Taylor Swift and Kellie Pickler. And there was a dancing fat band geek who is probably Brad's attempt to go "viral."

8:37 p.m. Alison Krauss is on now, minus Robert Plant but with Union Station.

8:39 p.m. The pretty, understated song is only making me again have VMA flashbacks. NEVER FORGET 09 09 07.

8:44 p.m. An ad for the American Music Awards! Hey we're liveblogging those too!

8:45 p.m. Big & Rich, dressed in fur coats, dedicate their song to the "King of Bling," Porter Wagoner. This song is about liking it loud, making them ... the Kiss of country? The bombastic arena rock sure adds to that feeling, although Kiss would never use a wah-wah pedal in such an egregious way.

8:47 p.m. Seriously, all this song needs is the Jackyl guy to do a chainsaw solo and then it would be perfect Headbanger's Ball of '90 fodder. Even with the just-bass-and-vocals breakdown that is the bridge. The dancing ladies look kind of idiotic, though, with their barely-there costumes and overchoreographed moves.

8:48 p.m. And now this song is biting Velvet Revolver? Huh?

8:49 p.m. Three cute young men come out to present Vocal Group of the Year. The one in the middle looks a little bit like the drummer from the Foo Fighters!

8:50 p.m. Rascal Flatts wins the Vocal Group of the Year award, which—at least in sheer chart terms—makes sense.

8:51 p.m. Ah, a nice little Chevy Tahoe ad stuck into the introduction for Rodney Atkins, who is "down-to-earth, but up the charts." Does that even make sense?

8:53 p.m. I understand that Rodney wants to be down with the common man, but dude is dressed like he's headed to a pickup softball game after his performance. Unless that's his afterparty...

8:55 p.m. Still to come: The awkward ABC tie-ins continue with a half-hour host slot taken up by the Private Practice chick!

8:57 p.m. One thing that you forget when you watch most of your TV via TiVo: Ads for holiday shopping and holiday movies and holiday holiday holiday holiday start way early.

8:59 p.m A child's toy that has a date-rape drug... inside? God bless local news.

8:59 p.m. Kate Walsh is doing the "stall for time" thing by saying the word "Nashville" over and over again.

8:59 p.m. Carrie Underwood singing "So Small." Oh come on, everyone—surely you all know the words from that CMT marathon of the clip a few weeks back?

9:00 p.m Uh oh, she is sounding a little off. Maybe it's the yellow?

9:02 p.m. She hit the big note, though, and that's probably all anyone will remember tomorrow.

9:03 p.m. Vince Gill is brought out to introduce another performer. Does that mean no more Kate Walsh? Did the ABC powers that be just give up after that awkward ... OH NO IT'S THE EAGLES

9:05 p.m. The disadvantage of growing up in the 1980s: You will never not see Glenn Frey and not expect him to bust into "The Heat Is On."

9:06 p.m. This song is, like, aggressively generic. If I closed my eyes, I'd just think it was some song from 30 years ago. But I guess that's the point, right?

9:08 p.m. It's over! Wait, it's over? That's it? So who's the big finish? Oh... it's going to be Rascal Flatts and Jamie Foxx, isn't it. GET READY FOR THE BEST VERSION OF "GOLD DIGGER" EVER.

9:10 p.m. You heard it here first: The bloggers are going to be all over Jim Noir for Target this holiday season.

9:13 p.m. This Kate Walsh upskirt angle is very, um, odd.

9:14 p.m. Brooks & Dunn. This is one of those "things are just getting worse and worse" songs with the uplifting title "God Must Be Busy."

9:16 p.m. Ah, now I'm depressed.

9:17 p.m. It would appear that all of the "Horizon" artists' video intros are Chevy ads.

9:18 p.m. In case you didn't remember that Jason Aldean's song was a tribute to Johnny Cash, the giant lit-up CASH behind him wants to remind you. But won't this just confuse the casual viewer?

9:19 p.m. And as Jess' mom pointed out, this song is much more Skynyrd than Cash, thus adding to the confusion! Not that I don't like it, but it is very Southern-rock.

9:20 p.m. Hey, it's Jewel! And her snaggletooth is still keepin' it country as she presents Vocal Duo of the Year.

9:22 p.m. Sugarland takes the duo prize.

9:23 p.m. Lots of people thanking radio tonight, which is sort of quaint.

9:26 p.m. Oh wow, a show about being pregnant starring that really annoying woman from Best Week Ever? I think I've found the worst TV show of all time. And yes, I'm including Whoops! in that calculation.

9:28 p.m. Dwight Yoakam is looking old. And awkward. And he's introducing Sugarland, which is apparently reversing the "nominees play then they win trend" established by so many other music-award shows.

9:30 p.m. This seems like a fine time to refill my water glass.

9:33 p.m. OK, maybe that was unfair. This woman can really fucking sing. It's just hard to focus on a performance when you're typing at the same time. (I know, I know, first-world problems.) But the crowd loooooooved it. Standing ovation! I will rewatch on TiVo later.

9:34 p.m. Dwight Yoakam is giving a Porter Wagoner elegy.

9:35 p.m. That stagehand who came running out during the moment of silence is so fired.

9:35 p.m. Album of the Year: Brad Paisley, George Strait, Dierks Bentley, Keith Urban, Vince Gill. (On a side note, does the semi-capitalization of the Urban album drive anyone else crazy?) Strait wins.

9:38 p.m. Earlier tonight, the Jason Alexander-directed video for Brad Paisley's "Online" won the Music Video of the Year award. Wait, there wasn't enough time to give it the prize in a three-hour show? Poor music videos.

9:42 p.m. And now LeAnn Rimes is back in a purple boob-slign dress and bragging about how she's never been arrested.

9:43 p.m. Martina McBride apparently stopped off at the show as she was going from work to happy hour at Chili's. Who on earth decided that skinny ties were back?

9:45 p.m. Another "inspirational" song, although this time the audience can apparently sing along thanks to the dot-com-ad-like words that are floating around the screen.

9:47 p.m. Still not really sure why Sheryl Crow is there.

9:47 p.m. LeAnn "Ellen Pompeo" Rimes and her boob sling return to introduce Keith urban (see, I'm playing with his capitalization style).

9:48 p.m. Keith is looking more James Spader-like than ever. This song is sweet enough, although it's odd that he's apparently performing in front of the set from Madonna's "Human Nature" video, and that it's filled with his string section.

9:51 p.m. Everybody needs somebody sometimes. It's true. I hear you, Keith!

9:53 p.m. Carrie Underwood is out of the yellow tulle ... confection she was in earlier for the purposes of presenting the (apparently not-Chevy-sponsored) Horizon Award. Two of the nominees have yet to perform, which is kind of awkward!

9:54 p.m. Taylor Swift wins.

9:55 p.m. She's crying. It's very sweet! And hard not to think "God, I hope this ends well." Even though she just called winning the award the highlight of her senior year, which probably made half the audience mutter, "Oh, come the fuck on" under their breath.

9:56 p.m. A Mary Kay TV ad?

9:59 p.m. Coming up on the 11:00 news: Why are concert tickets so expensive?? This is news I can use... for a cheap post tomorrow!

10:00 p.m. Oh, thank God Leann has changed into a better dress. To sing with Reba McEntire, of course.

10:02 p.m. This is fine—and the lighting design is to die for!—but it's too bad that Kelly Clarkson couldn't make it out to the show. It could have even helped her album sales. (My December dropped off the Billboard 200 this week, y'all. Snif.)

10:04 p.m. And now, the first of the two artists who didn't win the Horizon Award ... it's Little Big Town! Featuring a woman who is dressed in a costume that looks like my "blonde goth chick but it's really supposed to be Courtney Love" costume from 11th grade.

10:07 p.m. For a Little Big Town, there sure are a lot of people on stage. But this song is pretty OK. That's all I can really say.

10:11 p.m. Whoa, dying battery there! So I missed Carrie Underwood thanking everyone and God and wearing a much better dress while winning Female Vocalist of the Year, and I missed Dierks Bentley totally spazzing out over Alison Krauss.

10:18 p.m. Kimberly Williams (go Cats!) comes out to make a few jokes about married life and introduce Kenny Chesney, who is dressed in a getup that's more "middle manager at Blockbuster" than "Jimmy Buffett of the black-hat set."

10:20 p.m. This guy's live show must be a lot of fun, because this song doesn't exactly scream "sandless beach party" to me. Maybe the three-foot margaritas help?

10:22 p.m. The very deep-voiced Josh Turner busts out "Firecracker," which has a bunch of "-ockin" rhymes that makes me think that he's going to start singing about vans that you shouldn't be a-knockin' on.

10:26 p.m. This song is already seeping into my brain, to the point where I suspect it will be in my iTunes by this time tomorrow.

10:27 p.m. Everyone thanks radio, but the winning radio stations only get a cursory pre-commercial mention. Speaking of neglected outlets...

10:31 p.m. Oh, Kim! Your jokes about being married to Brad Paisley do not stop! Now they're about Kellie Pickler and Brad hooking up! Hilarious. No, really. This shit is gold for Father Of The Bride 3.

10:32 p.m. Kellie's hair is brushed back in such a way that it makes her look like a panelist on Match Game '76. And her earpiece is creeping me out in an "Aimee Mann's rat tail in the 'Voices Carry' video" sort of way.

10:34 p.m. What's hilarious about this stage setup is that it exactly evokes the American Idol Serious Song layout—strings stage left, piano right there. Kellie's voice actually sounds decent, in a pretty, vulnerable way. Much better than when she was on Idol.

10:35 p.m. Oh no, now she's crying! Oh, wow. Aw. Also: way to steal the spotlight from Carrie. Well played.

10:36 p.m. And we cut to Kimberly Williams looking grave. Then again, if I had to introduce Kid Rock, I wouldn't be too pleased either.

10:36 p.m. Kid Rock: Ugh.

10:37 p.m. Male Vocalist of the Year: Brad Paisley. Aww, and his wife is onstage. This is so adorable! The only way it could be better is a Martin Short run-in!

10:39 p.m. Brad Paisley: Friend of the fans, William Morris, and ASCAP. But are they his friends on MySpace?

10:45 p.m. And now ... old friends Rascal Flatts and Jamie Foxx, who portrayed "one of the greatest country singers of all time." In Ray, you know.

10:47 p.m. Oh, Gary LeVox. Never was a man more unfortunately named at a moment in time. Did you have a big glass of milk before you came on stage?

10:47 p.m. And now, here's Jamie Foxx. It's all context, you know? 15 years ago, this would have been intentionally funny. (OK OK he sounds good. But LeVox is LeOctave-Challenged.)

10:49 p.m. Wow, this is rough. A friendship of 10 years, ruined by an errant consumption of dairy! And now Jamie is freestyling and Gary can't even keep up on that.

10:54 p.m. It's Entertainer of the Year time, you guys! Which man (or group of men) will win? God, if it's Rascal Flatts after that performance ....

10:55 p.m. Kenny Chesney. Aw, Brad Paisley, it's OK. You won the Idolator vote! Not that it really counts for much of anything.

10:56 p.m. What's great about this show is how sincerely thankful everyone seems, instead of just, you know, drunk. (Not to name names of other awards shows or anything!) Kenny Chesney sells a bunch of records and he's like going to cry on stage? I don't think he took some downers before going up.

10:57 p.m. And that's it! It ends early! When does that happen on a live broadcast? Is that another sign of peoples' humility or just the fact that it's really easy to power through a show when only eight awards are given out? Either way, I feel so good, I feel like I could keep liveblogging all night! Maybe the local news will lead with that "expensive concert tickets" story...

[Photo: Getty Images. And no, that isn't Robyn. It's Kellie Pickler. I was confused at first, too!]

Most of the nominees are your standard megasellers—Rascal Flatts (nominated for their album that came out last year), Fergie, Nickelback—but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I hope Pretty Ricky's fans mobilized to carry their heroes to the Best Rap/Hip Hop Band, Duo, Or Group title, if only because they'd probably have the classiest acceptance speech ever. The full list:

Pop/Rock:
- Male artist: Akon, Timbaland, Justin Timberlake
- Female artist: Beyonce, Fergie, Avril Lavigne
- Band, duo or group: Linkin Park, Maroon 5, Nickelback
- Album: Daughtry (Daughtry), Minutes To Midnight (Linkin Park), FutureSex/LoveSounds (Justin Timberlake)

Country:
- Male artist: Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, Brad Paisley
- Female artist: Martina McBride, Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood
- Band, duo or group: Big & Rich, Brooks & Dunn, Rascal Flatts
- Album: Let It Go (Tim McGraw), Me And My Gang (Rascal Flatts), Some Hearts (Carrie Underwood)

Soul/Rhythm & Blues:
- Male artist: Akon, Ne-Yo, T-Pain
- Female artist: Beyonce, Fantasia, Rihanna
- Album: B'Day (Beyonce), Double Up (R. Kelly), FutureSex/Love Sounds (Justin Timberlake)

Rap/Hip Hop:
- Male artist: Fabolous, T.I., Young Jeezy
- Band, duo or group: Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, Pretty Ricky, Shop Boyz
- Album: Strength & Loyalty (Bone Thugs-N-Harmony), T.I. vs. T.I.P. (T.I.), The Inspiration (Young Jeezy)

Adult Contemporary:
- Artist: Daughtry, Norah Jones, John Mayer

Alternative:
- Artist: Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance, the White Stripes

Latin:
- Artist: Daddy Yankee, Juan Luis Guerra y 440, Jennifer Lopez

Contemporary Inspirational:
- Artist: Casting Crowns, Jeremy Camp, tobyMac

Soundtracks:
- Album: Dreamgirls,Hairspray,High School Musical 2

Breakthrough:
- New artist: Daughtry, Plain White T's, Robin Thicke

American Music Awards [abc.go.com]
Timberlake, Beyonce among American Music nominees [Reuters]

*His hip-hop nom de plume, because "Rosebud" isn't exactly, you know, "hard."

9:55 P.M.: We have both eaten a big pre-Honors steak in honor of this photo:

Which I should point out is an AP file photo.

9:57 P.M.: We'll be under way as soon as the horror of the last moments of I Love New York have finished.

9:59 P.M.: And Tracy Morgan is showing off his LP copy of Krush Groove and CB4 T-shirt.

10:01 P.M.: His favorite hip-hop dance is the wop. The worst hip-hop dance is the laffy taffy. He also knocked up his wife to "I Need Love."

10:03 P.M.: Drew just asked if New Jack Swing can "really be considered a hip-hop genre." I might have to kick him out of the living room already.

10:04 P.M.: What in the hell is Harvey Keitel doing on this show?

10:05 P.M.: Tribe Called Quest looking old. Whodini looking bald. The New Jack Swing contingent sporting some serious Mr. Magoo eyewear.

10:07 P.M.: Missy up first for premature canonization. Because her "music sounds like the future" and "took the negativity out of the word bitch and turned it into a positive powerful word for women."

10:08 P.M.: Now here's a Missy history montage which has sparked the question "What did ever happen to Magoo?"

10:10 P.M.: Missy's sparkly airbrushed T-shirt portrait of Purple Rain-era Prince is officially already the most covetable item of clothing of the evening.

10:11 P.M.: "Who is that?" "Swamp Thing." Actually I think it might be Keyshia Cole.

10:12 P.M.: No wait, it's...Tweet? Maybe?

10:13 P.M.: And what would a Missy tribute be without a breakdancing grade schooler?

10:14 P.M.: Nelly Furtado drops the Smurfette "Get Ur Freak On" rap and my mother wonders where her ass has gone.

10:16 P.M.: Ciara looking weirdly like J-Lo. It might be the outfit or it might be that she's just shouting at everybody in lieu of singing as she pops her booty.

10:18 P.M.: So far this has been 1000% more (non-shamefully) entertaining and coherently edited than the VMA's.

10:22 P.M.: Diddy up now to "pay homage" to Teddy Riley and the new jack swingers.

10:24 P.M.: Andre Harrell credits Barry Michael Cooper in the Village Voice for coining "new jack swing." See, music critics do have an effect on popular culture.

10:25 P.M.: You know, without the endless embarassing spectacle and general feeling that you're witnessing the end point of American culture, these awards shows are a lot less exciting. Stop having so much respect for yourselves and your music, rappers.

10:26 P.M.: Doug E. Fresh, Kool Moe Dee, Ne-Yo, and T-Pain take the stage to pay tribute to new jack swing. Because what would a hip-hop awards show be without trotting Doug E. Fresh out?

10:28 P.M.: "T-Pain singing without the vocoder kind of sounds like Poopdeck Pappy."

10:30 P.M.: Backup dancers in gold lame leggings: late '80s R&B tribute or American Apparel ad?

10:31 P.M.: Kool Moe Dee beefing up enough to possibly try out for the Biggie biopic.

10:35 P.M.: Is Benicio Del Toro really starring in a movie named after a Low album?

10:36 P.M.: My mom on the future of hip-hop: "Most of these people are 10 years away from entertaining busloads of seniors in Branson."

10:38 P.M.: When exactly was Spinderella airbrushed out of Salt and Pepa?

10:39 P.M.: Ne-Yo kicking and grabbing his crotch through Michael Jackson's "Remember The Time" and the lack of ancient Egyptian garb is just (smooth) criminal.

10:40 P.M.: Rational blogging is impossible during "No Diggity." Even a mediocre performance thereof.

10:41 P.M.: At the first note of the "Rump Shaker" saxophone, Drew dropped into a tripod and began vigorously thrusting his ass into the air.

10:43 P.M.: It's actually kind of disturbing me.

10:44 P.M.: Oh hey, there's Spinderella!

10:45 P.M.: mom@idolator (10:44:54 PM): Are you reading this shit that I am writing? Cause it is golden.

10:47 P.M.: Sorry folks, nobody's said anything particularly indefensibly, slapped a peer, wrecked a "suite," or trainwrecked on stage. I'm dying here.

10:50 P.M.: LL Cool J getting nostalgic for the underground days of hip-hop while dressed like the Shop Boyz's dad. Nice wallet chain, grandpa.

10:55 P.M.: This tribute to Wild Style is actually so reverent that it's kind of...boring?

10:57 P.M.: Then again, I've always been something of a philistine when it comes to old old-school hip-hop.

10:58 P.M.: Wait, Harvey Keitel is honoring...Snoop Dogg. Well, at least things are finally getting a little inexplicable.

11:00 P.M.: I guess they have both played pimps at various points in their careers.

11:02 P.M.: Did I actually just see Ludacris as an elf in this commercial for upcoming holiday family flick Fred Claus?

11:03 P.M.: Whodini refusing to let rap's jaunty leatherman cap phase die.

11:07 P.M.: "The Freaks Come Out At Night" > anything T-Pain will ever do.

11:10 P.M.: Why are Jermaine Dupri's backup dancers dressed like the Shins?

11:12 P.M.: Drew is now trying to defend his earlier dissing of new jack swing as a genre worthy of a fake honor by VH1 by claiming that they could have merely honored Teddy Riley, but I'm not hearing all that.

11:15 P.M.: You know, Taco Bell's ad for the "Cheesy Beefy Melt" has rubbed me the wrong way for weeks now. I have always been in love with melty cheesy.

11:20 P.M.: Harvey Keitel has just claimed that Snoop Dogg's lyrics "change the weather." To which Snoop has responded with a blank stare.

11:22 P.M.: Snoop Dogg's first record: the "Ring My Bell" 45 with the big hole.

11:23 P.M.: Sorry, a little emergency. Scarface has knocked over a beer and is now licking it up off the floor. We're about to have a drunk bassett hound up in here.

11:25 P.M.: I think Snoop's daughter might be on a contact high.

11:26 P.M.: mom@idolator (11:26:35 PM): I hope they do "Murder was the charge they gave me".

11:28 P.M.: Is this over yet? I think I've been in a steak coma for the last 20 minutes.

11:30 P.M.: "Are you going to get mad if I say that the commercials are more entertaining than the show?"

11:31 P.M.: Have the "Tracy Morgan pokes fun at square white dudes and old Asian guys" sketches gotten old yet? A: Yes.

11:34 P.M.: Harvey Keitel is now praising Snoop's "idealism."

11:35 P.M.: Pharrell's 75% bleeped-out "Drop It Like Its Hot" verse begs the question: When did this show become "a tribute to my own guest verse on the honorees' song"?

11:37 P.M.: Is it kosher for Skateboard P to be sporting red during this song?

11:41 P.M.: Next time Maura asks me to live-blog a moderately engaging awards show that's mostly all-star medleys I'm going to buy more than one six pack.

11:43 P.M.: "Ah, A Tribe Called Quest, what we've all been waiting for. Well, that and getting to go to bed."

11:48 P.M.: Isn't Pharrell wearing a backpack while performing a Tribe song laying it on just a little thick?

11:50 P.M.: "Tonight the part of Busta Rhymes will be played by Serj Tankian from System of a Down."

11:52 P.M.: Wait, did a miniature Behind The Music episode about Irv Gotti just sprout during the commercials? What in the hell is going on?

11:54 P.M.: At the first sight of Murder Inc. signee Vanessa Carlton, Drew has begun singing "White Houses." Or it might be "Kiss Me Deadly."

11:56 P.M.: We will not be live-blogging the sneak preview of VH1's Irv Gotti reality show.

11:59 P.M.: Tribe has seemingly not lost a step since I was in high school, but even VH1 knows well enough to start rolling the credits on this snoozefest before they've even finished a hoarse taken on "Award Tour."

12:01 P.M.: Well everyone, I hope you were mildy entertained by my mildly engaged quips about professionally executed but musically bland clips show. Join us next time for Idolator's Run's House marathon live-blog.

12:07 P.M.: Wait, they're re-running it. Should I live-blog this again and see what kind of half-coherent nonsense comes out as I start to nod off on my laptop?

12:08 P.M.: Hell no. Goodnight everybody. See you in nine hours.

Five of the aforementioned artists will make it in; among them, Madonna, the Beasties, Cohen, Bambaataa, Summer, and the Ventures are first-timers, and there's no doubt in my mind that this year's roster will inspire much hand-wringing on the part of some people over who, exactly, should count as "rock." (A friend of mine just heard a snatch of morning radio where the Beasties and Madonna were both being derided for this very reason; Leonard Cohen, however, got a pass, because he's "been around since, like, the '40s.")

And as always, there were some notable names left off the ballot, and it's time to figure out who got the shaft the most (oh, come on, you know you kind of care):

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Artists Eligible for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2007 [futurerockhall.com]
2008 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Nominees Announced: Madonna, Beastie Boys, More [RS]

7:56 p.m. The Hills is on. What a way to get people excited about your premier music-related event of the season!

7:57 p.m. Oh my God, how do people care about this? This makes Valley Girl sound like Shakespeare.

8:00 p.m. Paparazzi! Exposed backs! Her name is Nicole! And they brought John Norris out of mothballs!

8:01 p.m. T.I. can even make aviator shades look great.

8:02 p.m. This is already a trainwreck. There's a split screen. I'm overstimulated and I'm two minutes in. Too old for this?

8:04 p.m. I feel like I'm watching a practical exam by a bunch of journalism students who have had too much Adderall before they went onstage.

8:05 p.m. Kate is in the Virual VMAs, and everyone except her is levitating.

8:06 p.m. Jess on John Norris' outfit: "He's like Transformers-era Lou Reed meets Gerard Way." Joe (outside observer No. 1): "Or old, sad Harry Potter."

8:08 p.m. You know, on a weekend where the employment rate went down and Osama Bin Laden put out a new tape and the polar bears are about to go extinct, nothing captures the zeitgeist better than a bunch of ads featuring people bragging about spending $40,000 on a hotel room. Can someone please remind me why they hate us again?

8:11 p.m. Lil' Mama is wearing a Bo Peep hoodie.

8:12 p.m. No wait. She is dressed as a baby. Chris Hansen, where are you now?

8:12 p.m. Jess: "Chris Brown's been hitting that Weight Gainer 5000 pretty hard, hasn't he?"

8:13 p.m. There are a lot of beautiful ladies in the room tonight, but none is more beautiful than ... Carson Daly?

8:14 p.m. Alicia Keys fancies herself a little bit Beatles, a little bit Janis Joplin, a little bit Police. But where's the Dream Of The Blue Turtles influence?

8:15 p.m. Nelly Furtado's "blonde": It's a little more "orange." Also, the dye apparently stayed on her head long enough to seep into her brain. Or maybe it's the rum.

8:15 p.m. Maggie (outside observer No. 2) on Nelly F: "She looks like she's turning into Jerri Blank."

8:16 p.m. Just in case anyone was wondering, I am wearing Isaac Mizrahi. For Target. And a name necklace that I was given as a birthday present in seventh grade. (And no shoes, because it's a blog.)

8:18 p.m. This whole Britney's-name-in-stripper-lights thing is probably the pinnacle of her career at this point, eh?

8:20 p.m. You know, not for nothing, but for all of MTV's alleged "interactivity" this time out, wouldn't they be streaming the actual broadcast? Or is information-free information like "Lauren from The Hills just arrived with Lo and Audrina. But where is Whitney?" really just the way to get people interested?

8:23 p.m. Is that Andrew Dice Clay???

8:24 p.m. Overheard: "Wait, that's Common, that's not Perez Hilton."

8:25 p.m. Jennifer Garner has transformed into Kelly LeBrock.

8:25 p.m. "Who is the ideal audience for this?" "Rubbernecking bloggers."

8:26 p.m. Oh my God, the Boys Like Girls guy that everyone e-made out with is wearing the Skid Row shirt that I wore to school in 1990.

8:27 p.m. "It's been a great year for you guys ... hope you enjoyed it, because you won't ever see it again. You'll want to keep all that shit in the swag bag, because you'll need to sell it for money next year."

8:30 p.m. 50 Cent is actually smiling! And of course, he's excited to hear ... himself.

8:31 p.m. Chevy presents the pre-show performance! In 30 seconds! Lil' Wayne and Nicole Scherzinger! Anyone want to bet that Mary J. singing for Chevy will be a lot more enjoyable?

8:33 p.m. So we're going to see a Nicole Scherzinger-led remake of Flashdance sometime next year, then.

8:34 p.m. I don't even remember what the name of this song is, but I do know that it's a weak attempt to recapture the magic of "Ring The Alarm," but a lot less sexy. Also, the booties? Not hot. Lil' Wayne is really way better than this, Twitter boringness be damned.

8:35 p.m. Joe: "I hope this is the first of 15 Lil' Wayne run-ins all night." Jess: "Did he borrow Hell Rell's teeth?" Maggie: "I know it doesn't matter, but she's not even that good of a dancer."

8:36 p.m. Joe: "I hope at some point tonight, John Norris becomes unstuck in time and says, 'That was an amazing performance from Bell Biv Devoe!' "

8:39 p.m. Why is there an anti-aging cream ad on this broadcast? Did the target demo shift while I was thinking about when I'd go to the bathroom?

8:41 p.m. Paris Hilton has transformed into Lovey from Gilligan's Island.

8:41 p.m. Jess: "What kind of world have we woken up in where Ludacris is the classiest guy int he room?"

8:42 p.m. I have flipped Jess off for the tenth time this evening.

8:43 p.m. All of the shaved-into-the-head designs tonight have inspired Jess to grow out his hair and shave IDOLATOR.COM into the back of his head. Rick Rubin: Call your viral-marketing department's office!

8:45 p.m. The split-screen on this is ridiculous. Also, The Kingdom has been on the shelf for about two years. It smells like a stinker.

8:47 p.m. Hey, look, it's an ad forThe Kingdom! What a coincidence!

8:49 p.m. The wittily named "Jackpot or Jack-Not" feature! And now ... oh God, Paris Hilton. Who is shooting a "film." And who has the same haircut as John Norris.

8:50 p.m. How is a leopard-print dress "unique"? Does Sway not visit the West Side Highway often?

8:51 p.m. Sway just told Paris Hilton to enjoy her freedom. Why do they hate us, II?

8:51 p.m. The Sam's Town makeover that Panic! At The Disco undergoes continues. Where are the top hats???

8:52 p.m. Look! Kenna is finally getting MTV airtime! Unfortunately, he is in the Patrick Stump "don't speak" seat.

8:53 p.m. The ad just used the phrase "VMA widget." This is so One-And-A-Halfth Life.

8:55 p.m. There is not enough prosecco in the world to make this better, and the show hasn't started yet. But as Jess pointed out, the fact that there are five minutes to showtime means that there's still time for a comet to crash into New York City!

8:57 p.m. The Foo Fighters have saved the show for the over-30 demographic by planning on covering the Dead Kennedys and "Darling Nikki." Thanks for giving one over to the old folks, MTV!

8:59 p.m. One minute to showtime! Oh my God you guys!

9:00 p.m. Britney has cleaned up her ad, and the blogs are a-buzzin', and that was so not the Idolator shoutout I was waiting for.

9:00 p.m. Oh she can't even lip-sync right. And her hair. And she's wearing a sequined bikini. And she looks like, to quote Kate, "a stripper in east Texas or something."

9:00 p.m. She looks so fucking bored. And like she's half-dancing.

9:01 p.m. Jess: "I appreciate the 'Cold Hearted' motif they have going on here."

9:01 p.m. God, they should really just keep this a long shot for the rest of this. She looks completely out of it. This is so sad.

9:01 p.m. Even Diddy looks bored.

9:02 p.m. Long shots, MTV.

9:02 p.m. 50 Cent: "I didn't go on first for this?"

9:03 p.m. OK, when Rihanna is laughing at you, you know ... oh, Britney. Everyone is totally applauding awkwardly, not sure of what to do. Oh, honey.

9:04 p.m. Sarah Silverman is bombing too! Oh my God this whole night is going to be me laughing at people not laughing!

9:05 p.m. Someone just heckled Sarah Silverman: "You're ugly!"

9:06 p.m. Maggie: "She seems off, too. Maybe there's carbon monoxide in the room?"

9:06 p.m. SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB THAT IS THIS SHOW. Sarah Silverman just made a diarrhea joke. Oh my God.

9:08 p.m. And now there's a ska band playing!

9:09 p.m. Alicia Keys apparently thought that she was supposed to be at the Ms. Universe competition tonight.

9:10 p.m. Now it's time to cut to 10 seconds of people actually playing music!

9:11 p.m. Pete Wentz's mic was off when he was talking about his party. How many people are losing their jobs tomorrow, for real?

9:12 p.m. Hey, an award presented by two people who can't read off the teleprompter because they're drunk! And your Monster Single Of The Year is ...

9:13 p.m. "Umbrella." Which beat out a slate that apparently consisted of MTV's entire playlist from the year 2007.

9:14 p.m. This Kanye West performance looks like an episode of Club MTV where the lighting tech quit right before the show started.

9:16 p.m. On the bright side, this show is going to inspire about 80 Idolator posts this week that will bemoan, in no particular order, the state of the industry, the out-of-touchness of MTV, and the utterly fucked state that music is in right now if it thinks that this utterly self-congratulatory, ill-thought-out show will inspire anyone beyond the sniping trainwreck-watchers who love to pile on shit like this to actually care about it. So—thanks, guys! (I think.)

9:20 p.m. Maggie: "Britney wants a do-over." Jess: "I can just see her apologizing in that drunk voice backstage. 'Did I do OK? Did I do OK?' "

9:21 p.m. Hey, look, it's Aziz from Human Giant! He's probably there to make a Peter Bjorn & John joke.

9:23 p.m. Half the room is now whistling "Young Folks."

9:24 p.m. Bono gets "quadruple threat" credit for guest editing Vanity Fair. I give up. And Kanye West is a "social activist" because of his Bush comment.

9:24 p.m. Justin Timberlake just asked MTV to play more videos. Because he is rolling.

9:25 p.m. Wait and now it's Fall Out Boy! With these really awkward camera angles and maybe half the song and I guess you actually have to go to the Internet to see the whole thing. Because God forbid this whole thing be about music, right?

9:26 p.m. Lil' Wayne and Fall Out Boy are coming up, even though Fall Out Boy just trashed their set. This is what happens when you don't rehearse, right?

9:27 p.m. We are 25% of the way through, and I already want to ... I don't even know. Drink more, I guess.

9:32 p.m. The Foo Fighters' cellist: I don't even think it could count as the "vestigial tail" of the evening, because that's probably better suited to referring to music being on MTV.

9:32 p.m. Five people just asked me when Pat Smear rejoined the Foo Fighters.

9:33 p.m. The Rolling Stone cover re-enacted! Mutely.

9:34 p.m. The most earth-shattering collaboration of the year is ... a song that sounds like a ringtone. That, ladies and gentlemen, is where we are in the music industry in 2007. Bring on the ringles!

9:36 p.m. Jess on Adam Levine: "Is that Dave Gahan?"

9:37 p.m. I'm gonna say, though, that I really like "Wake Up Call."

9:38 p.m. Also: Someone needs to bring me some more prosecco as soon as possible.

9:38 p.m. Also: Are all the non-music celebrities on this show Neutrogena spokesladies?

9:40 p.m. This whole show, including the ads, is like an S.O.S. scrawl into a beach on a deserted island: "WORLD OUT OF IDEAS. PLEASE SEND HELP."

9:41 p.m. T.I.! Can we just watch T.I. until 11 p.m.? Please?

9:43 p.m. Chris Brown gets his own showcase! Between this and the Grammy performance, he's really greasing some well-placed palms. At least he's bringing some Charlie Chaplin-meets-'N Sync panache to it, but really, why do people want this dude to be a star so badly?

9:45 p.m. OK so not to take away from Chris Brown, but ... what exactly did Criss Angel supply to the Britney performance? Did he make her charisma magically disappear?

9:46 p.m. Chris Brown is playing Frogger on the tables. And now, Rihanna is joining Patrick Stump in the pantheon of "people who are actually singing their songs" this evening. Also? "Umbrella" is still undeniable, even after four months. An eternity in pop time, sure, but I even like the "Cinderella" remix that this is going to segue into in like a second.

9:48 p.m. OH PLEASE BRING OUT MICHAEL JACKSON. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.

9:49 p.m. Look, I know that the attention span of America has been destroyed by a consistent diet of blipverts and ads and Internet but can we just hear one song in full? Also, not for nothing but Michael Jackson would have been a bigger surprise than Rihanna, who was like NOMINATED and who was ON THE RED CARPET and who ... oh God forget it, why am I bothering even ranting like this when they aren't paying me.

9:50 p.m. Maggie: "Has MTV done a Jem movie yet?"

9:50 p.m. Jess' mom chimes in: "I just got off the phone with my boyfriend, I thought he could possibly help [come up with something funny to say]. But, there is nothing that can help us here."

9:52 p.m. If this terrible cover of "Dream On" somehow becomes a hit I quit. To the point where I give up my ears.

9:53 p.m. So as all our commenters are pointing out, the suite performances are all happening while it's dark outside, even though it's only 6:53 p.m. in Vegas. So when were they all taped? And why is this such a shitshow if these were all pre-recorded?

9:55 p.m. Wow, MTV just does not give a shit about this show at all, does it?

9:56 p.m. Now Timbaland has run down from "his suite" to accept Justin Timberlake's award.

9:58 p.m. Justin: "I think music is in a great place right now." Yeah, maybe because you're making money off of it. "We don't wanna see The Simpsons on reality television." Wait, do you mean the Ashlee and Jessica Simpsons? Because I mean Pete Wentz is going to kick your ass if that's the case.

9:59 p.m. Cee-Lo and the Foo Fighters are performing. I really hope that the next hour of this isn't me just typing "Good Christ, what the mother of fuck is going on?" over and over again, but ... oh my God the Tila Tequila show is being advertised now. You guys. Uncle? Seriously? Help?

10:01 p.m. You are all watching a woman get broken down, readers. It's systematic and it may result in me actually craving a Fourth Meal.

10:04 p.m. And in the spirit of tonight's completely uninspired show, here's the lamest cash-in song of the year, "Ayo Technology." Anyone want to give me a copy of MacMame so I can play Punch-Out?

10:05 p.m. The whole room has been rendered silent. No one is giving me the quippy goodness they were even 30 minutes ago. Insert frowny face here.

10:06 p.m. Jess is so desperate for a real song, he would have listened to all of "Ayo Technology."

10:07 p.m. This show is such a disappointment, Joe—the biggest Indiana Jones nerd you will ever know—is disappointed by the Indiana Jones title.

10:08 p.m. Jess: "If Fergie wins, I will go stick my head in the toilet." And oh my God, he just went into the bathroom and slammed the door.

10:08 p.m. A dispatch from Jess' mom:
JessMomLuvsLuther (10:08:31 PM): Okay that is it....FUCK IT! Fergie!
JessMomLuvsLuther (10:10:06 PM): I am drunk now....I am enduring this torture for you!

10:10 p.m. "Good Life": Still a pretty great song. The "P.Y.T." sample is just so expert, T-Pain be damned.

10:10 p.m. Joe: "I think the whole subhead for this show should be 'Sugar, We're Goin' Down.'" Kate: "Maybe if Fall Out Boy can perform that song, it would save the show."

10:11 p.m. Kate: "Oh, I know those stairs. I've been there in the virtual world."

10:14 p.m. Maggie: "You know, the Army is looking better and better right now."

10:15 p.m. There is not enough prosecco in the world for me to get through the next 45 minutes.

10:16 p.m. This ad for Power Tour: Electric Guitar is using Judas Priest's "Breakin' The Law," which is just making me wish that the Beavis And Butt-Head era would swoop back in and wake us up from this awful, awful dream. And did I mention that I saw Idiocracythe other night, and this show is pretty much proof positive that it was a semi-documentary?

10:17 p.m. Lil' Wayne and Fall Out Boy. Well everyone, it's been fun, but the Internet is going to break in about 30 seconds.

10:20 p.m. An IM from a friend: "who's next? John Turturro? Megatron?"

10:20 p.m. Joe: "Next year, the show should just be hosted by an iPhone."

10:20 p.m. And in a sop to the records that actually sell, here's Linkin Park. Can't wait for the Nickelback run-in scheduled for 10:45!

10:21 p.m. Out of every band to get a full song, MTV picks ... Linkin Park. Even though you can hear Chester Bennington's nodes growing with every note that he growls.

10:24 p.m. Fall Out Boy wins best group! No one can see anyone. Why is the Gym Class Heroes guy getting to talk? An opportunity lost.

10:25 p.m. Serj from System Of A Down is singing "Holiday In Cambodia"! And ... they're cutting away, of course. Man, fuck this. Seriously.

10:30 p.m. OK it's Fall Out Boy backing Rihanna on "Shut Up And Drive" and this might be the first watchable moment of the evening.

10:32 p.m. And ... they cut away. So many frowny faces, you guys!

10:33 p.m. Hey, everybody—remember Nelly?

10:34 p.m. Alicia Keys is totally trying to channel Mary J. Blige. M