7. Van Halen, "Hot For Teacher"

Fast forward (or the internet equivalent) to 2:14. See those orange suits? Wearing one of those says "I'm classy, but totally ready to party." You can thank me later.

6. Peter Gabriel, "Sledgehammer"

"Sledgehammer" isn't just a groundbreaking video, it's an endless source of costume ideas that you'll be forced to explain to people all night long. Train track around your neck? Hilarious! Guy with clay hammers for hands? Edgy! Peter Gabriel made out of fruit? Possibly too difficult.

5. Big & Rich, "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy"

Country music seems like a wealth of costume ideas (who wouldn't be impressed by your "Waylon Jennings In The '70s" costume?), although you may want to figure out your friends' political sensitivities before dressing up like John Rich.

4. Nine Inch Nails, "Only"

A costume should really be graded on a creativity to price ratio. Anyone can spend a ton of money and have an exceptional costume. The guy who buys one of those pin toys from Target and goes as Trent Reznor from the "Only" video is frugal and, as a bonus, appears to be in touch with his emotions.

3. B-Rock, "My Baby Daddy"

Can you rustle up an old cell phone, a fancy hat, and a sweatshirt from the '90s? Then you can be T-Bird from the "My Baby Daddy" video, and you can thank me later.

2. R.E.M., "Pop Song 89"

Of course, if the whole process of choosing a costume ends up being too stressful, you can always just put some large black stripes on your pants, take your shirt off, and move your body around like it's "Pop Song 89." (Ladies might want to splurge for some black oaktag, too.) Not the most relevant of costumes, but hey, it's affordable.

1. L'Trimm, "Cars With The Boom"

I haven't provided many options for the ladies, but I think this suggestion makes up for it. Find yourself a friend, hit up Forever 21 and Claire's with a sharp eye, and you have yourself Tigra and Bunny costumes. Who doesn't enjoy the cars that go boom? (Note: This costume might go over better in the greater Miami area.)

Although I can't imagine anyone needing an idea other than the ones I've provided, feel free to offer your music video derived suggestions in the comments.

1. The Beastie Boys
followed by...

Unwilling to repeat themselves after the left-field success of Check Your Head, the Beastie Boys wander through abortive sessions with Mix Master Mike, Lee Perry, Q-Tip, Miho Hatori, and others while promoting Tibetan Freedom Festivals, running Grand Royal, and raising families; Adam Horowitz's glitchy BS-2000 and the peculiar Country Mike's Greatest Hits make fans both curious and excited for what the group might eventually return with. Finally, after over a decade of waiting, Capitol Records and a nation of expectant stoners are blessed with... The Mix-Up.

2. Aerosmith
followed by...

Following the departure of Joe Perry during the recording of A Night In The Ruts, Steven Tyler descends further into chemical dependency, unable to complete sessions with new guitarists for several years. After his recovery from addiction in the mid-'80s, he is hesitant to return to life in the fast lane, preferring to raise his family and promote anti-drug campaigns. Finally, the original lineup returns with 1997's Nine Lives, where a new generation, unprimed by Wayne's World and Alicia Silverstone videos, is introduced to a group of decrepit transvestites screaming "Falling In Love (Is So Hard On The Knees)."

3. Grateful Dead
followed by...

Despite the success of Wake Of The Flood, things aren't the same for the Dead after the death of Ron "Pigpen" McKernan, and the band decides to abstain from the touring circuit. Attempts to hone a new sound are hindered by a series of exploding keyboardists, but the group finally returns to the limelight with 1989's Built To Last. Then another keyboardist dies, and the band says "fuck it." Meanwhile, Trey Anastasio is happily playing in a Creedence Clearwater Revival cover band in Vermont, just happy that he doesn't have to hold down a day job.

4. David Bowie
followed by...

After releasing Pin-Ups (itself The Spaghetti Incident?! of its day), Bowie grows tired of his hard-rock Ziggy Stardust shtick and fires the Spiders Of Mars. Rumors leak that the rock star is obsessed with "soul" and attempting to maintain cultural currency by working with Brian Eno (the Moby of his day), but year after year and release date after release date pass. Finally, cleaned up and ready to play ball, Bowie, joined by Peter Frampton and Charlie Sexton, returns for a massive world tour to promote his new album... Never Let Me Down.

5. Prince
followed by...

Even after his Hollywood dreams fizzled, Prince finds it impossible to follow up the monumental Purple Rain, retiring to his Minnesota home; he's rarely seen after the failed non-musical version of Graffiti Bridge. Some say that the recluse won't even answer to his name! Always up for a challenge, Clive Davis signs the artist to a one-album contract, teaming him with a variety of pop stars that had followed in his wake. He then presents the world with... Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic. The world is not impressed.

6. Bruce Springsteen
followed by...

Darkness On The Edge Of Town, while a critical hit, isn't really the sequel to Born To Run that Columbia was looking for. So for years Bruce struggles with synthesizers and drum machines, hoping to craft a surefire hit. Off the road and not meeting supermodels and back-up vocalists, Bruce lives a long, lonely life before finally releasing The Ghost Of Tom Joad, after which Columbia decides this man is no longer the future of rock and roll.

7. U2
followed by...

Torn between their desire for fame and their belief in Christian humility, the members of U2 are more than happy to finely hone their follow-up to The Unforgettable Fire with Brian Eno and Daniel Lanois. But after a decade-plus of work, it becomes clear that they've lost the script. So instead, the band looks both to the past (their original producer Steve Lillywhite) and the future (Nelle Hooper and Jackknife Lee), creating How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, which the group promotes on an '80s Flashback Tour co-headlined by Simple Minds.

8. R.E.M.
followed by...

The Green tour takes a lot out of R.E.M., with the band first attempting to create a grand follow-up with mandolins and string sections before scrapping the sessions to try and regain their rock energy. Finally, with both producer Scott Litt and Bill Berry no longer involved, the remaining trio makes an album everyone is comfortable with. An album named Around The Sun.

9. Rolling Stones
followed by...

Let It Bleed is a surprise triumph after the loss of Brian Jones, but drugs overcome the band and it isn't long before replacement Mick Taylor is gone. It won't be until after the failure of Mick Jagger's first solo album, She's The Boss, that he'll get the old band together for a new album titled Dirty Work. While they knew Mick Jagger was capable of anything, it shocked fans of the enigmatic Keith Richards, long rumored dead, to see him dancing with cartoon cats in the video for "Harlem Shuffle."

10. Stevie Wonder
followed by...

With Motown refusing to let him run his own albums, Wonder boycotts his label following the release of For Once In My Life. When Berry Gordy finally relents in the early '70s, his concerns are proven tragically valid as Wonder toils unsuccessfully to capture his "inner visions," desperately trying to create songs "in the key of life." The singer could have been forgotten—but Gene Wilder gets in touch with him in hopes that he'll create a soundtrack for The Woman In Red. America is shocked as Little Stevie Wonder returns to the limelight with "I Just Called To Say I Love You," with Rolling Stone declaring it the Least Welcome Comeback of 1984.

There is one alternate history Axl could take heart in. If Paul Simon had waited fifteen years to put out an album after Simon & Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water, Graceland would have been even more of an impressive wtf than it was at the time. But will Axl Rose's adventures in the diaspora ("Madagascar!") have the same zeitgeist as Simon's?

Hell no.

1. Ida Maria, "Oh My God"

Twitchy and bewitching, this song has stuck with me since I was first introduced to it in March in the type of way that results in me still drumming along with it after all these months.

2. Lloyd, "All Around The World (ft. Lil Wayne)"

Over the weekend, I realized that Lloyd's album is my most anticipated record of the year (well, not including Chinese Democracy, but at this point I think that record is in its own category). If it's half as good as this song is, the excitement will have been worth it.

3. Estelle, "American Boy"

I've gone on about this track (and its attendant album) quite a bit, so instead I'll just alert you to the fact that it now has Jay-Z's blessing (via Vulture):

4. Headlights, "Cherry Tulips"

The most instantly hummable chorus of the year. Maybe of the past two?

5. M83, "Graveyard Girl"

This and the Headlights song back-to-back on my list: A crystal-clear sign that I listened to a lot of WLIR/WDRE back in the day.

6. R.E.M., "Mr. Richards"

Yes, I do miss the '90s. Why do you ask?

7. Cherish, "Killa (ft. Yung Joc)"

This Atlanta R & B group has a knack for making semi-anonymous radio hits that get played often enough for me to vaguely remember their hooks and Google the lyrics during a down moment on the job. (See also.) This track from Step Up 2 The Streets crept into my consciousness so slowly, I thought it was Danity Kane for the first month or so that I was aware of it.

Modest Mouse Lightning Approaching [YouTube]
R.E.M. Have You Ever Seen The Rain/South Central Rain [YouTube]
R.E.M. - It's The End Of The World... [YouTube]

1. Sonic Youth

Oh, sure, they're relatively successful, gracefully stylish, with famous friends and a partnership with Starbucks, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't benefit from some hair dye (especially Lee!), exercise (especially Steve!), Botox (especially everybody!), and sartorial choices that say "we came here to rock!" Maybe if someone gave them some big sunglasses, tronic t-shirts and leather jackets, more of their songs would sound like "Silver Rocket."

2. David Byrne

It might be too much to ask him to reteam with the Talking Heads, but surely he could do something about his hair and put on a big suit again, right? Nobody remembers any of his solo albums, but everybody remembers The Big Suit.

3. R.E.M.

Musically you've gone to back to New Adventures In Hi-Fi, and that's a... step. But what you need is a push. Michael? We're thinking "bad haircut," not "no haircut." Mike? Circular glasses, pageboys. God never wanted you to have a goatee. Peter? Lose the earrings or cover the ears. Bill? Hang around. All of you, though, Botox and vests. Where are your vests? We need our farmers back.

4. Smashing Pumpkins

We've always admired your devotion to the Jimmy Chamberlin-Asian dude-hot female bassist aesthetic, which is why we feel you're ready to admit the biggest hindrance to your return to rock royalty. That fucking skull of yours. Cover it up. Cover it up! Whether you choose a long Gish wig or the Siamese Dream "elementary-school photo day" cut, the second you put something over that dome, sales are going to sky rocket. Do you really want to be Midnight Oil? Those guys looked and sounded exactly the same throughout their career and sales still went down. At least you have something you might be able to fix.

Popbitch [Official site]

It's a part of my little corner of history that I went at the age of 15 and bought the Patti Smith album [Horses] the day it was released. And I sat listening to it all night, and it changed my life—I decided to be a singer in a band. What I've never told anyone, and this is exclusive, is that I also bought four other albums that day. One of them was Hall & Oates, one of them was Foghat, Fool For the City. I don't where I got all that cash from—records were kind of expensive at the time—but I think I bought five records altogether that day. I gravitated towards one over all the others. But all the others were still there, and still in my consciousness.

That was the backdrop of me being in high school: Ted Nugent, Foghat, Styx, REO Speedwagon and these were the bands in the Midwest that resonated with regular kids and what was on the radio. It was rock. Pathetic, but there it is.

Will this revelation allow Foghat to join Hall & Oates in the ever-evolving Pitchfork canon?

Probably not.

The Mysterious Mr. Stipe [Death + Taxes]
FOGHAT-FOOL FOR THE CITY Live 1981 MTV Concert [YouTube]

George Strait's success continues a remarkable chart run for a guy who seems nice enough and is liked a lot by my wife, somewhat to my puzzlement. The last five Strait albums have hit No. 1, with eighteen of his albums reaching the pinnacle over all. Meanwhile, the totally abysmal R.E.M. disc Around the Sun didn't even go gold, although if Accelerate's projected sales total of around 100,00 copies holds up, getting a plaque eventually seems likely.

In other projection news,Idolator favorite Trina will have a solid showing for an album I had forgotten about, selling a projected 50,000 copies; the Scorsese/Rolling Stones soundtrack Shine A Light at 35,000 for now, with weekend sales likely to boost that total; and somehow 25,000 people thought purchasing a Theory Of A Deadman disc would make their lives better.

In your "this industry is screwed" note of the week, sales are projected to be down 16% from this time last year, and are already off 11% year to date. In somewhat related news, I am thinking of signing up to learn air conditioning repair.

STRAIT UP, NO CHASER [HITS Daily Double]

• "But Accelerate doesn't really sound nostalgic. Buck isn't busting out the Rickenbackers; he's playing aggressively melodic riffs again, yet they're full of contemporary crunch and compression, not jangliness. Stipe's also striving to make the album feel timely—railing against 'business first flat earthers' ('Until the Day Is Done'), among other anti-conservative broadsides. Occasionally his lyrics fall prey to politicized smugness, but mostly he commits to confronting tough times with a mixture of thoughtful self-examination and playful combativeness. 'You're going down down down,' he promises any sparrers on 'Horse,' the punky high point, after describing himself as 'a bantamweight with a mouthful of feathers.' Heavyweight champeen or not, Stipe's got his fighting spirit back, and so does his band. A-" [EW]
• "But it ends with a beautiful line, which may explain why REM have continued long after most observers assumed they had passed their sell-by: 'Music will provide the light you can't resist.' Accelerate isn't quite as irresistible as some people might have you believe, but you can't help feeling glad they stuck around to make it. [Dave Lee Travis], it seems, is as wrong as ever: their career isn't over yet." [Guardian]
• "When fans say they long for a return to the R.E.M. of old, they're missing the magical band camaraderie and the mysterious but undeniable poignancy of the old songs, not the particular chord patterns, jangling guitars or mumbled vocals. If R.E.M. really could write another Murmur or Automatic for the People whenever it wanted, I wish for once it would." [Chicago Sun-Times]
• "They're better at it now. What they've surrendered in tonal elegance they've made up for in raw energy and vigor. And it certainly sets the band up nicely for another triumphant world tour or two. The unfair question is how long anybody will want to listen to these songs beyond the initial 'Wow, better than I expected,' and my bet is, not very. R.E.M. have shown themselves to be a capable rock band, but in their prime, they were a much better un-rock band, and those songs still cast an inescapable shadow." [New York]

Earlier: The New R.E.M. Accelerates Past Its Release Date To The Web

ONE-LISTEN VERDICT: The first thing that needs to be said, although this certainly isn't the first place where its been said, is that it's much better than Reveal or Around The Sun. The more aggressive sound is appreciated, actually compelling you to listen to the finish without an urge to really slam the skip button, possibly thanks to the heavily compressed sound that producer Jackknife Lee is known for. That being said, should the terms "return to form" or "classic R.E.M." be tossed around? No, of course not. Anyone who is expecting a 2008 version of Life's Rich Pageant will be sorely disappointed, but Accelerate's certainly a solid modern rock album, and probably will fall near the top of the bottom third of their catalog, if you're into ranking those sort of things.

At very least, it's nice to hear a big, strong opener: "Living Well..." sounds great loud, and R.E.M. sounds like a band with purpose. Michael Stipe's lyrics are largely fine throughout—although there are some real clunkers—and he's gotten slightly better at being cryptic again, which to me is a welcome turn. My favorite part of the album was probably hearing Mike Mills through the speakers, track after track. To me, "Man Sized Wreath" and "Supernatural Superserious" are saved by his performances and there were numerous occasions where I was so thankful for his backing vocals that it felt as if they were the aspect of R.E.M. I was most nostalgic for. "Houston" sounds like a Automatic For The People b-side; "Horse To Water" features an angrier R.E.M. than I might have thought possible; and "I'm Gonna DJ" is a bad idea somewhat well executed.

Then it's over. I knew the album was short, but the end caught me by surprise.

And then—and maybe this is a sad, back-handed compliment for a band with a great catalog—I started over from the beginning. I actually wanted to listen to a recent R.E.M. disc...again, and without being disappointed or depressed about "fallen heroes" or "Stevie Wonder-style depressing career turns". Accelerate's not going to be part of the race for "best R.E.M. album", but I'll thank them for not making it another contender for the worst.

Actually, Irish radio stations are required to hold aside around 30 percent of their spins for Irish acts—which has kept the guy from the Hothouse Flowers off the unemployment lines, I imagine—and since R.E.M. recorded Accelerate in Ireland, the album can be considered Irish for those purposes. For obvious reasons, this development was upsetting to actual Irish musicians, however, several smooth jazz musicians have been reported to be researching cheap studios in Dublin with good sax miking. [The Independent]

"I can't think of probably a single issue in which I am even remotely in the same universe as that guy ... and yet, he was kind of charming and ... self-deprecating," Stipe told Jane Radio host Jane Pratt, a day after watching Huckabee's Thursday appearance on CBS' "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson."
"He was actually kind of a good sport, and funny, and I don't know what that means. Maybe it's a good thing that's he's being lauded right now by the right. He's an evangelical. May God bless all living creatures but my god ... how weird."

Oh, Stipe. No. "But he's a nice guy..." relativism is the slippery a-political slope that leads outspoken pop stars straight to Bono. Resist! (Also Reuters, does listening to the radio now require a "reporting by" credit? In that case, this post featured additional reporting by Maura Johnston, who copied and pasted the link to me.)

R.E.M. Singer "Charmed" By Huckabee [Reuters]

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To be fair, "Until the Day is Done" really isn't terrible enough to inspire voluntary extinction, but it is boring. It kind of sounds like Anderson Cooper called up Michael Stipe and said, "Hey, I'm going to put on a tight T-shirt and hit the rain forest with Jeff and Sanjay. Could you have an innocuous background song for our documentary trailer ready by the end of the week?" And Michael Stipe was like, "Sure thing. I can have it to you right now, actually. Just last night I wrote and recorded three boring, completely nondescript songs while I was asleep." But the song's listless melody and droning vocals somehow work for this particular subject matter. That grating sadness in Stipe's voice is the perfect tone for environmental catastrophes. It's saying "This is baaaadd. And I'm moooooping. Why don't you dooo sooomething abooout it? I'm going to whine until the daaay is dooone." I found myself irritated into awareness.

Technically the video is nothing special; anyone with a little editing software experience could have put it together. But content-wise it is both very sad and vaguely homoerotic. Maybe this is just me, but Jeff Corwin is incredibly appealing. He knows everything about animals, cares about the environment, and has a cool snake tat. Plus he's eccentric enough to put out some ambiguous gay vibes, which only fuels the Corwin/Cooper slashfic scenario. Throw in hot, youngish doctor Sanjay Gupta and it's a veritable consortium of strapping men who care about the environment and want to help. It's like the set-up for a very earnest, socially conscious gay porn. Not that I would be into that kind of thing. Anyway, the clips themselves, though rather unceremoniously spliced together, are powerful and well-chosen. Here's the breakdown:

Very sad
-Cancer water
-Clear cut rainforest
-The body of water formerly known as Lake Chad
-Elephant with injured foot
-Melted ice caps

Very awesome
-Jeff holding a baby polar bear
-Jeff and Anderson handling a python (too easy!)
-The sloth poignantly extending his arm, one of the only visuals that achieves a truly successful moment in conjunction with the song

But overall the video is pretty mediocre, due largely to the blah song. R.E.M. usually sounds pretty sleepy to me, but I was expecting a little more gusto than this. It's admirable to contribute something to environmental awareness, but just because you're trying to save the sloths doesn't mean you have to sing like one.

What exactly is wrong with this picture? Is it the queasy hot pink background? The fact that the band's iconography has been reduced to an extreme closeup of Michae Stipe's big bald head as a distressed photocopy? (Nothing against big bald heads, obviously, but I wouldn't want to look at my mug against a hot pink background either.) Or is it the fact that Stipe looks like a character in a Dreyer film that's in the late stages of some painful, terminal skin ailment?

- Over the weekend, R.E.M. premiered a few new songs in Dublin. One concertgoer recorded them all, sideways, with a cameraphone, and they sound decent enough to prepare ourselves to be disappointed all over again. [YouTube]
- Courtney Love's redesigned Web site has a dreadful new song and a questionnaire for people who may want to attend her shows in July; anyone who lists their favorite bands as Bikini Kill, Babes In Toyland, and Faith No More and actually gets in will win at life. [courtneylove.com]
- Morrissey's throat is still in pretty bad shape; he canceled Saturday's Madison Square Garden show, sending area daffodil sellers into a panic. [morrissey-solo.com]

- Despite irresponsible, speculative, and nonsensical rumors to the contrary, R.E.M. will not be reuniting with original drummer Bill Berry. [Billboard]
- Why did police find four rifles and nine handguns in John Popper's car last week? Because he's "an avid gun collector." Well that's a comfort. [WENN]
- Former American Idol contestant Mario Vazquez is being sued by an ex-show employee, who claims the singer harassed him by performing solo in the men's bathroom. [MTV]

*Sorry. We're saving our good R.E.M. jokes for tonight.

Last week, Goldenfiddle reported that the original line-up of R.E.M.—including long-time behind-the-scenes honcho Bertis Downs—were spotted having dinner in Athens. Of course, the band members have appeared together in public several times since the 1997 departure of drummer Bill Berry, but we're going to go out on a limb and predict that 2007 will be the year that the Stipe/Buck/Berry/Mills monolith finally gets back on the road. Our purely speculative reasons after the click-through.

1) TIMING With the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame indictment induction ceremony just around the corner, the pushing-50 members of R.E.M. will have an opportunity to not only remind die-harders of the band's former glories, but to expose their top-shelf material to youngsters who were still green when Green was released. Plus, we're living in a time that's increasingly nostalgic for both the '80s and the '90s, and few bands straddled both decades as successfully.
2) EGO In the last five years, Stipe has focused his interviews on reminding people of the group's storied past (a tact no doubt necessitated by low-selling flops like Around the Sun). This a guy who name-drops Bono as a contemporary and Thom Yorke as a disciple, and he'd certainly welcome the chance to rejoin the big leagues, even if it means enduring the umpteenth "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" encore.
3) MONEY Not that they need the dough, but one last jaunt could help goose catalog sales, especially if the I.R.S. records get a much-needed stateside make-over. And besides, who doesn't need more money nowadays? People really seem to be into that stuff!
4) THEY DON'T HATE EACH OTHER Granted, Berry almost died from a 1997 brain aneurysm, which can make a long-term tour iffy. But other than that, these guys don't have a lot of intra-band drama—there's none of the potential backstage awkwardness that will no doubt cloud the Van Halen and Police reunions. So even though Stipe might get a bit snooty if there's not a solid range of Cabernet on the rider, we're not worried about a mid-tour flame-out.