That, of course, is just the beginning. Try this bit:

One of my freshman English students, sent to find an example of debased language from the world of the lie, selected an ad for a brassiere promising Sexy fun, 24/7. This is a lot of pressure to put on your urogenital hydraulics. What, no refractory period? No menstruation? No bean soup, no coffee, no long phone calls to old friends, no train trips to the city?

It's like a parody of bad lit-mag writing—airy, precious, overly studied, self-congratulatory. (I feel sorry for anyone learning about writing from this guy.) And that Daniels is one of those people who hates himself for loving rock (that's the essay's topic, it would seem) just makes him both more pompous and more cutesy. And of course, in the great tradition of people who write rock criticism making sure you know that they're not, you know, rock critics or anything, we get this:

Reading about music is boring, and reading about extremely boring music is extremely boring. Writing about it is no thrill ride, either.

Here's an idea, then: don't!

Clocking Out [n+1]

For every Daryl Hall and John Oates fan who grew up lip-synching one of their hits in front of the mirror, this is the chance to make their "Dreams Come True" by expressing their "Method of Modern Love" to the band by submitting a homemade video to the "I Can Go For That" contest at www.hallandoates.com to earn a chance at a grand prize to see a headlining performance at the Hollywood Bowl in Sept. by the RIAA-certified best-selling pop duo of all time.

We seriously thought this was a joke when it came across our transom—after all, the YouTube user who inspired this foray into user-generated content was named "suicidegirl." (Come on.) Anyway, whatever genius came up with this stunt's name obviously wasn't too familiar with the Hall & Oates catalog; after all, our first, inevitable response to wondering if this idea may be a good one was a definitive "No Can Do."

Hall And Oates [Official site]

Anyone wanna hook this guy up with that one dude who took the plunge and got some OK Cola ink in '94? We have a feeling they'll have a lot to talk about over the next few months.

I finally got my Zune tattoo [Zune Scene via Gizmodo]

From today's New York Times piece on the Billboard blog-critic competition referenced above:

The 30 or so youthful critics will file reviews and photos on deadline from concert sites, from late June through mid-September. Their commentary will be posted on personalized blogs, housed on the Billboard Web site (billboard.com).

In true democratic Web fashion, the blogosphere will select the contest's three finalists as well as the ultimate winner, all chosen based on the number of hits to the blogs.

The winner is based on the number of hits? This is terrifying, democratcially enabled future of rock writing: Snaps of audience responses to the "show us your tits!" exhortation, interspersed with the occasional "OMG, amirite?"

Billboard looking for a few good bloggers [The Daily Swarm]