Ringo Starr

has been added to the lineup of next month’s concert benefiting The David Lynch Foundation For Consciousness-Based Education And World Peace, which already had Paul McCartney and Eddie Vedder (and, sigh, Sheryl Crow) on its bill. The meteorologist-slash-director has a goal of teaching one million children to meditate; “In today’s world of fear and uncertainty, every child should have one class period a day to dive within himself and experience the field of silence-bliss-the enormous reservoir of energy and intelligence that is deep within all of us,” he says in a statement on the foundation’s Web site. (Which has me thinking about the boredom/bliss divide that the late David Foster Wallace wanted to probe with his final work of fiction, not to mention how excited I am to be staying in a hotel that doesn’t have TVs in its rooms next week.)

Anyway! If you have a lot of cash, you can not only see this show, you can get up close and personal with all the goings-on, and maybe meet Moby, since he’s going to be milling around.

$25,000 Package
Includes: 10 premier front orchestra seats for the concert, 10 tickets to
the post-concert celebration at the Four Seasons, 2 day-of-show rehearsal
passes, 2 tickets for the pre-concert cocktail reception at Radio City,
2 tickets for the Sunday celebratory brunch and acknowledgment in the
concert program.
(The deductible portion of this package is $20,650)

But wait, there’s more (money)!

$100,000 Package
Includes: premier front center orchestra row (13 seats) for the concert,
13 reserved seats at the post-concert celebration at the Four Seasons,
4 backstage passes, 4 day-of-show rehearsal passes, 4 tickets for the
pre-concert cocktail reception at Radio City, 4 tickets for the Sunday
celebratory brunch and acknowledgment in the concert program.
(The deductible portion of this package is $93,625.)

I certainly don’t have this kind of money around, but even in these uncertain times, some generous Beatles obsessive might, or at least might have nine or 12 friends to help out.

Benefit Concert Packages [David Lynch Foundation via Brooklyn Vegan]

Back in my school days, Valentine’s Day was a time for exchanging cheap perforated Valentines cards and inedible Necco hearts, and punishing the unpopular kids by “forgetting” to give them anything. (I was perhaps one of those unpopular kids.) If you were really lucky you got a mixtape from a girl, and I did get a few in my day, even if they were from girl-space-friends and not girlfriends. What was disturbing was the presence of “Every Breath You Take” on said mixtapes, given it’s the kind of love song that John Wayne Gacy might write. Even Sting himself says it’s a paean to controlling someone:

I woke up in the middle of the night with that line in my head, sat down at the piano and had written it in half an hour. The tune itself is generic, an aggregate of hundreds of others, but the words are interesting. It sounds like a comforting love song. I didn’t realise at the time how sinister it is. I think I was thinking of Big Brother, surveillance and control.

It got me thinking of other so-called “love songs” that are about as uncomfortably grody as pulling a wool sweater over a hairy, Vaselined chest.

7. Extreme, “More Than Words“

If you could play this song or “Closer To Fine” on guitar in the early ’90s, you were pretty much getting to a base of some kind. Secret God Squad band Extreme ruled the mixtape roost during my high school years, but this song ain’t as innocent as it seems. Gary and Nuno have something on their minds, and words ain’t gonna cut it:

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
Its not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know

In a nutshell: “Okay, listen, babe. I get that you love me. You’ve said it a million times. I’m, uh, gonna need something a little more now, if you know what I’m saying.” This song is the “please, baby, please” argument given every night in thousands of Pontiac Grand Ams.

6. / 5. Ringo Starr, “You’re Sixteen” / Benny Mardones, “Into The Night”

Age-appropriateness is the problem here with both Ringo Starr and Benny Mardones, though I think it could be argued that Ringo might be singing from the perspective of a high-school guy. The video doesn’t help things, as a bearded, older Ringo gads about with a Shampoo-era Carrie Fisher. Mardones’ “Into The Night” (which Maura and I both adore) is more problematic, as Mardones is told by “them” to “leave her alone,” but he keeps after the 16-year-old anyway. That kind of behavior will land you in jail, Benny.

4. Winger, “Seventeen”

I’m including this song for the sake of completeness, even though it actually makes no bones about addressing its creepiness.

3. Rod Stewart, “Love Touch”

I actually put Rod Stewart’s Legal Eagles atrocity on a tape for a lady once, and I can’t imagine what she thought. The song itself is pretty standard semi-raunchiness, but the phrase “Love Touch” is just so wrong. Especially since Rod’s is probably covered in scented suntan oil.

2. Bob Carlisle, “Butterfly Kisses”

I hate that my cynical, shriveled heart makes me look askance at a “heartfelt” song like this one, but the verse about perfume and makeup and looking like her mama and being between a girl and a woman and spreading her wings… just no. The lyrical point of view starts to sound less like a dad and more like a covetous older lover as the song goes on.

1. Dan Hill, “Sometimes When We Touch”

The coup de grace of creepy, despite some people considering it “romantic” and “sweet.”

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Making love to this hairy man-child is the last thing you’d ever want to do. First, he hides under the sheets. Then he won’t let go of you until he dies—or, at the very least, until you start crying. And the entire time he’s afraid, cowering under the covers. Thanks, but no thanks, Dan. You are the worst lay ever.

Attention Beatles fans: Ringo Starr does not want your mail anymore, at least if it’s postmarked anytime after next Monday (Oct. 20). In a video message that he posted to his Web site–which was strangely hostile, yet festooned with “peace and love, peace and love”s–he stated that he would not be opening any fan letters received at any of his addresses if it was sent after that date, and definitely not signing any objects that were presented to him for autographing after that time. Hey, we all have to draw a line eventually, I guess. But what happens if, let’s say four months from now, he gets a package that was postmarked Oct. 18, but lost in the Royal Mail for weeks and weeks? And for an added boost let’s say it was from someone who had only six months to live? Ooh, do I love mysteries, especially if they involve math. Ringo’s video missive after the jump.

Ringo Starr: No More Fan Mail [AP]
Ringo Starr No More Fan Mail [YouTube]

Ringo Starr got pissy with the producers of Live With Regis And Kelly today when they asked him to snip the song he was scheduled to perform down to 2:30, prompting a huffy exit during taping. While part of me feels that forcing a musician to abridge a song to such a paltry length is another sign of music’s wider insignificance in pop culture–all that singing is just cutting into Michael Kors’ face time–we should not forget that each song (save one) on Please Please Me, With The Beatles, and A Hard Day’s Night clocks in at under 3:00. Maybe (re)learn to edit, Ringo. [AP]

According to Billboard, the second living Beatle is preparing to put his solo work online:

Starr has agreed for the first time to release his Capitol/EMI solo catalog online, including 1970′s “Beacoups of Blues” and “Sentimental Journey,” 1973′s “Ringo,” and 1974′s “Goodnight Vienna, beginning Aug. 28. A collection of six ringtones will also debut then.

The music will be available to all existing digital music services currently carrying EMI content, including in unprotected MP3 formats.

We’re still not sure who, besides Beatles completists, wants a Ringo-tone, but if they really want to match form and content, might we suggest “No No Song”?

Billboard:
Ringo Starr Goes Digital With New EMI Deal

We apologize if this seems awfully old-farty of us–and if it seems completely random after a post about Jay-Z versus The Game–but Jefitoblog has a rather strange discovery up today: It’s a copy of George Harrison performing “It Don’t Come Easy,” which was (supposedly) one of Ringo Starr’s biggest hits. According to a Jefitoblog commenter:

…this has circulated among us Beatle freaks for a long time, but it is so VERY COOL to see it here!! Thanks!! Altho Ringo has a sole writing credit, it’s a commonly-held belief that George had a lot to do with it. This might have been a guide-vocal thing, I’m not sure. In my opinion, one of the coolest things about George’s version is that the “Hare Krishna” backing vocals are not mixed way down like they are on the Ringo version.

Actually, that “Hare Krishna” bit is our least favorite part, but “Easy” is a pretty great find: If you’re going to listen to one of the 3,261 Beatles boots circulating on the web at the moment, it may as well be Harrison-related. But what’s up with the Goofy one biting the Quiet one? As Lennon would say, that is some seriously shady shit.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled Courtney Love jokes.

Ringo StarrGeorge Harrison – It Don’t Come Easy [MP3, link expired]
George Harrison, “It Don’t Come Easy” [Jefitoblog]