As of today, August can’t get here soon enough. By that time, not only might it stop being unbearably hot here in Arizona, but CMT will be rolling out Runnin’ Wild … From Ted Nugent. The premise of the program is largely discernible from the title: People run from Ted Nugent, and (to make things slightly less fair) his son Rocco. I wouldn’t say it’s been my life dream to be hunted as prey, but I would like to publicly throw my hat into the ring to be considered for the honor. After the jump, a few reasons why the producers should start looking for my contact info.

1. I read that “Running Man” short story back in the day, and I seem to remember bits of the movie adaptation.

I feel like that information will help somehow, although I think I might be a little more ready for Treadmill to Bucks.

2. I actually purchased, with actual money, a copy of the Nuge‘s 2002 album Craveman.

As of today, I also have not made an attempt to turn this disc in for store credit somewhere.

3. I already watched, and occasionally set my DVR to record, the other two basic cable shows that were variations on the same “Surviving Ted Nugent’s Crazy Lifestyle” theme, including the one where Tila Tequila appeared.

Also, on more that one occasion, I mentioned to people that I would have been willing to pay to see Damnocracy live.

4. I will allow the little tag they put under my name on the show to be “Professional Blogger”.

The script basically writes itself, doesn’t it? Sure, Maura has been the one who said the somewhat nasty things about the Nuge on the site in the past (although I don’t know if he would actually be insulted by the description “guitarist/outdoorsman/author/general loudmouth”), but watching the out-of-shape online opinion guy run from the hunting experts should make for entertaining television.

5. I watch a lot of CMT, and unless they decide to make my real dream come true and let me be a talking head on one of those list shows with Chet Flippo, this might be my best chance to get on the network.

I can’t sing, so Can You Duet is out; I’m already married; I own neither a truck or a mobile home. So the options are limited. Help me out here, Viacom.

Runnin’ Wild … From Ted Nugent Competition Series Coming to CMT [CMT]

Because he’s always looking for ways to keep his name in the press, guitarist/outdoorsman/author/general loudmouth Ted Nugent has released a 10-song playlist—excuse me, “love manifesto”—into the wild in honor of Valentine’s Day. It is somehow not made up of 10 songs by the Nuge, although it does have a 30% “songs with variations on the word ‘Wang’ in the title” quotient. Feel the wango of his tango after the jump!

1. “Wang Dan Doodle” – Howlin’ Wolf
2. “The Flame” – Cheap Trick
3. “Whole Lotta Rosie” – AC/DC
4. “Wango Tango” – Ted Nugent
5. “When A Man Loves A Woman” – Percy Sledge
6. “I’ve Been Lovin’ You Too Long” – Otis Redding
7. “Feels Like The First Time” – Foreigner
8. “My Love Is Like A Tire Iron” – Ted Nugent
9. “Brown Sugar” – The Rolling Stones
10. “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” – Ted Nugent

Let’s put aside the dubious nature of “Brown Sugar” being on there and focus on his pick of “The Flame,” which to me brands our favorite tough guy as a wuss, no matter how many wildebeests he kills between now and Feb. 14.

Ted Nugent [Official site]

This just in: “TED NUGENT OFFERS HIS SERVICES AS PERSONAL SECURITY FOR PAUL MCCARTNEY’S UPCOMING ISRAEL CONCERT.” And he’s even letting his anti-vegetarian prejudice fall by the wayside so he can serve as, and I quote, McCartney’s “Dirty Harry With A Ponytail.” What a guy! [Earlier]

Never one to let a good media opportunity pass him by, Ted Nugent has decided to send an autographed advance copy of his forthcoming book Ted, White, & Blue: The Nugent Manifesto–which arrives in bookstores and other places that just happen to have large numbers of right-wing screeds on their shelves Oct. 6–to Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin^*, since they possess a shared love of hunting, killing, and all that other red-meat “(wo)man’s (wo)man” bullshit that so-called conservatives eat up. Ted’s missive, complete with awkward Declaration Of Independence allusions, after the jump.

Dear Governor Palin,

Please accept this copy of my new book, “Ted, White & Blue: The Nugent Manifesto” for you and your family. As a proud fellow American hunter, fisherman and lover of Alaska’s soul cleansing magnificent Spirit of the Wild, we who live our American Dream by God, truth, logic, goodwill and decency, thank you for bringing such defiant common sense and self evident truth back to the GOP and politics. We wish you Godspeed for the best hunting and fishing season of your life and pray to God almighty that you bring your bold spirit to the White House.

Godbless,

American BloodBrothers, Ted Nugent and family

“Defiant common sense,” huh? Well, I guess this was written before the whole e-mail hack story broke….

TED NUGENT Reaches Out To SARAH PALIN [Blabbermouth]

^* First person to send me a tweaked version of the Japanese cover for Love Grenade gets a cookie!

Anyone who watches Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations knows that he’s a man’s man, so it was probably inevitable that he’d have a show during which he chats with Ted Nugent, who at the very least thinks he knows something about serving exotic erotic meats. In the preview clip of this Monday’s episode, the two discuss the scourge of obesity in America, a chat that contains this gem of an insight: “How do we smoke Osama out of his hole if we can’t fit our fat asses in after him?” Which half of the Bourdain/Nuge mindmeld let out that bit of wisdom? The answer may surprise you! [Travel Channel]

Yes, Beer For My Horses, the country caper based on Toby Keith’s legendary ode to lynching (starring Keith, Willie Nelson, Ted Nugent, and Claire Forlani), has a trailer out and will be hitting theaters this August. As shown above, Ted Nugent will be playing a crazed gun enthusiast named Skunk, and judging by Keith’s fond recollection of an on-set rabbit slaughter, it looks like the Nuge is a practitioner of the Method.

“Ted has just shot a guy with a bow and arrow,” explained Keith. “And he’s leaving the set to go back to his trailer, and all of Hollywood is standing around and a cotton tail jumps up–rabbit–and crosses the set. POW! And he guts him a rabbit right in front of everybody.”

For those not familiar with Ted’s thespian career, here’s a classic clip from the Miami Vice that launched it.

The Motor City Madman can also be seen playing a “Hot Seat Band Member” in Nightmare On Elm Street 5, a “Rock Star” in Tape Heads, and… well, that’s it so far, but I’m sure he’ll get plenty of work once Beer For My Horses is released.

Beer For My Horses Trailer [YouTube]
Ted Shoots Rabbit On Movie Set [Music Radar]
Don’t Fuck With Ted [YouTube]

He’s tried John Cougar Mellencamp. He’s tried Chuck Berry. He’s even tried ABBA (sez McCain: “”Nobody likes them, but they sold more records than anybody in the history of the world, including The Beatles. But everybody hates them. You’re a no-class guy if you like ABBA. Why does everybody go see ‘Mamma Mia?’ Hypocrisy! Rank hypocrisy! I’m not embarassed to say I like ABBA, ‘Dancing Queen.’”) But nobody seems to want John McCain using their music as his campaign theme. What, doesn’t one of those Hillary Clinton fans who swear they’d rather vote Republican than for Obama own a worthwhile copyright?

The McCain camp is having trouble settling on a suitable campaign anthem. After searching for months, it finally picked “Johnny B Goode” – Chuck Berry’s rock ‘n’ roll classic from 1958. The high-power guitar licks and “Go, Johnny, go” chorus put a spring in Mr McCain’s step. When asked why he chose it, he quipped: “It might be because it is the only one [the artist] hasn’t complained about us using.”

Berry, 81, may not have complained about his song being appropriated by Mr McCain, but he has made it clear he would prefer Barack Obama in the White House. “America has finally come to this point where you can pick a man of colour and that not be a drawback,” Berry said. “It’s no question, myself being a man of colour. I mean, you have to feel good about it.”

…There was a groan at McCain headquarters as it suffered yet another musical derailment. An attempt to use Abba’s “Take A Chance On Me” also bombed. “We played it a couple times and it’s my understanding [Abba] went berserk,” Mr McCain said.

Maybe John doesn’t realize that angry Farm Aid supporters, old black men and Swedes aren’t really the kind of artists he should be attempting to gain musical support from right now. Why not use that legendary anthem of ass-kickin’ foreign policy, Toby Keith’s “Courtesy Of The Red, White And Blue?”

If he’s tired of Obama calling him out as a carbon copy of our current president, why not mock the concept with AC/DC’s “Beating Around The Bush?”

And if he wants to embrace the comparison, why not take advantage of John Ashcroft’s “Let The Eagle Soar?”

But if you really want to show your core voter base that you mean business, thinki about commissioning some original material from the Nuge.

I’d sugest he name the track “FREEEDDDOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM” but you don’t want to worry about any lawsuits from George Michael or Rage Against The Machine.

Take A Chance On Him [YouTube]
John McCain: ABBA Fan?? [ABC News]
No, Johnny, No: Chuck Berry joins chorus of musicians snubbing McCain’s campaign [Independent]
Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American) [YouTube]
John Ashcroft [YouTube]
Beating Around The Bush – AC/DC [YouTube]
Ted Nugent Goes Off On Obama And Hillary! [YouTube]

Ted Nugent and the National Rifle Association have teamed up to promote a lovely new number from the Motor City Madman titled “I AM THE NRA,”^* which is allegedly available at both Ted’s site (which opens with a shot of him sitting on a buffalo and the words “YOU CAN’T DO THIS IN FRANCE!”) and the NRA’s, though I’m only finding a link on the former. The lyrics? “When I think of freedom, I got my Bill Of Rights. US Constitution is my guiding light. Our founding fathers, they were not confused. I always celebrate self-evident truths. I AM THE NRA. I AM THE NRA. I am ‘we the people.’ I don’t need no OK. My pursuit of happiness will take me all the way. If you hate slavery as much as we all do, come on join the fight, I’ll tell you what we do. I AM THE NRA. I AM THE NRA. If you hate tyrants and dictators, and are ready to give freedom a whirl. Celebrate the NRA and the shot heard round the world. The shot heard round the world.” Ralph Waldo Emerson would be proud.

TED debuted the freedom-loving song at the recent annual NRA Convention May 17-18 in Louisville, Kentucky–which he described as “the ultimate Ted Nugent party,” with “more than 67,000 of my closest friends.”

…Says TED, recently re-elected for his fifth term on the Board of Directors of the NRA: “We debuted the ultimate soundtrack for freedom lovers everywhere with my new song ‘I AM THE NRA’ to thunderous applause and spontaneous dancing in the aisles. Real honest to God Motor City rock-n-roll goes perfectly with the spirit of gun lovers everywhere.”

See for yourself!

Wild, wild, wild! Is it really spontaneous if you have to yell “sing the damn song!” at the audience?

Ted Nugent [Official site]
Ted Nugent – “I AM THE NRA” [YouTube]

^* All-caps his. Of course.

Remember “Beer For My Horses?” It’s a song by Toby Keith and Willie Nelson about things were better back when we used to lynch troublemakers. The video, which plays like an episode of CSI with extra soul patch, was evidently enough of a hit that Toby’s going to make a movie based on it! And if you’re going to make a movie about a bunch of rootin’-tootin’ singers dishing out street justice, of course you’ll have to include Ted Nugent as Skunk Tarver, “an uppity, defiant, long-haired, over-the-top rock ‘n’ roll deputy sheriff in Jackson County, Okla., who loves bowhunting and guns.” The Nuge wrote all about it in his weekly column for the Waco Tribune.

Well, since so many music fans so dearly embraced Toby’s clever hit song and video featuring him and our good Texas friend, Willie Nelson, why not go the whole nine yards? Why not an entire feature-length movie around it?

Why not indeed.

…Willie Nelson returns as a traveling gypsy circus operator and more familiar Hollywood star actors like Tom Skerritt, Claire Forlani and Barry Corbin bring some magical moments to the screen.

Old Skunk — that’s me — will leave you laughing from the belly, I assure you. Plus, he shoots flaming arrows at corrupt Mexican federales. That is worth the price of admission for people who dream of justice south of the border. Good entertainment.

Actually, the real star is a lovable American bulldog named Junior. He twists his body into pretzel-like contortions as he aggressively licks certain anatomical locations of his canine self for sheer comedic humor. And he eventually saves the day.

The dog is adorable. We became best of friends.

….We expect this fun movie to show up in a theater near you sometime in August or September this year. Though my acting experiences are limited to but a few films and TV shows, I have the feeling that this will be the perfect movie for the whole family. It is PG-13 where the good guys win and old Skunk shows how the mystical flight of the arrow is a beautiful thing when in the right hands.

Personally, I’m banking on a straight-to-DVD release this Christmas.

And now, the mystical flight of the arrow.

Beautiful.

Ted Nugent: ‘Beer for My Horses,’ the movie, and Nuge, big-screen cut-up [Waco Tribune Via Rolling Stone]
Ted Nugent Shoots G’Tar with Flaming Arrow [Youtube]

And she even took “inspiration” from the Lisa Frank-happy Ashlee Simpson for her album cover’s background! Never let it be said that Madonna has forgotten the mantra “all press is good press,” although I do kind of miss the days when she was ganking the styles of New York’s downtown denizens.

[HT: The Velvet Rope]

Like Kanye West, Ted Nugent has entered the world of personally-branded Web search engines, or so a commenter tipped us off last week. But! Now if you Search With Ted you can possibly win the chance to tag along while he tries to pierce large ungulates with bullets and arrows while in the great outdoors. In addition to this contest, Ted’s search engine also offers users the same “swag bucks” as KW’s search engine, said “swag bucks” to be later redeemed for prizes, the big difference seeming to be that if you Search With Kanye you could possibly win an iPhone but if you search with Ted you could possibly win a cookbook. But maybe you like freshly whacked wild boar more than being able to check your e-mail on the bus? [Search With Ted Nugent]

“For technicians who love to pack up the truck Friday after work with rods, rifles and bows and head for the woods – there’s a new tool box designed just for you. Snap-on Tools has teamed up with legendary rocker and gonzo sportsman, Ted Nugent, to introduce a new line of limited edition roll cabinets and accessories. Snap-on’s Ted Nugent Spirit of the Wild tool storage units are available in a traditional 54-inch roll cab (KRA2411PNC) and a complete workstation (KRA2411WCPNC). A top chest (KRA2408PNC) and bulk overhead unit (KRWL5435PNC) are also available.” I mean, really, is there anything else one can add to this aside from “can those workstations easily be converted into buffet trays?” I ask you. [SleazeRoxx.com]

Every year pop critics await the coming of January with a sense of trepidation and a healthy amount of schadenfreude, because it’s time for our own year-end analysis, Jason Gross’ annual rundown of year’s worst music writing. (Gross’ long-running look at the dregs of rock scribbling is actually part of a package of the worst and best music writing of the year. But c’mon, we all know which part we really care about.) And now that our trepidation has passed (nothing we wrote in ’07 made it to Gross’ “Bottom Of The Barrel” category!), we can get to the schadenfreude (which of our peers did make it to Gross’ “Bottom Of The Barrel” category?).

The funny thing is that not many of our “peers” actually made it to this year’s list, unless that peer group now consists of Jermaine Dupri and Ted Nugent. There are two limp attacks on funk and post-bebop jazz by crit folks writing for Slate and the Guardian. But the bulk of Gross’ worst list is made up of bonehead industry types and equally boneheaded musicians. And that’s gotta be more of a sign that the corporate flunkies are cranking out more awful propaganda than ever as the industry collapses than a sign that the quality of music criticism is on the rise. What’s really disheartening, if that’s the word for it, is the total lack of blog entries in the “Bottom Of The Barrel” category, which probably just proves that most bloggers’ “bad” writing is as forgettable and bland as their recycled PR stuff “good.” (Step up your crappiness game, MoveableType jockeys! You’re getting beaten by the Nuge!)

The top spot (though the entries aren’t ranked) rightly goes to Sasha Frere-Jones’ much-dissected New Yorker essay on indie rock’s de-blackening, but since the fallout from said essay proved that SFJ enjoys bad attention regardless of the effect it has on his writing or rep, I’m not sure if this accolade will necessarily be healthy for him or his productivity. We wouldn’t want to distract him from his hard work profiling all those funky indie rocking white people he’s covered since “A Whiter Shade Of Pale” ran in late October.

Best Music Scribing Awards 2007 [Popmatters]

If you’re feeling particularly masochistic and/or drunk tonight, tune into the National Rifle Association’s radio show to hear Ted Nugent wax his Love Grenade. Perhaps we’ll also hear his thoughts on being our Worst Album Cover Of The Year winner! [Blabbermouth]

If you’re feeling particularly masochistic and/or drunk tonight, tune into the National Rifle Association’s radio show to hear Ted Nugent wax his Love Grenade. Perhaps we’ll also hear his thoughts on being our Worst Album Cover Of The Year winner! [Blabbermouth]

Well, the weeks of polling are over, and we have a winner in our first annual Worst Album Cover Of The Year Tournament. Before you click through, feel free to reflect on our final eight, and check out a late-arrival cover that should at least get some sort of honorable mention. OK, the suspense is killing you, right? Right?

Congratulations, Eagle Records art department! Be on the lookout for your Spirograph sometime in the next seven to 10 business days. And for all of you who stuck with us over these weeks of voting and who aren’t very surprised by this outcome (but hey, at least you learned who Helalyn Flowers is), here’s a, uh, “treat”: the cover for Love Grenade‘s Japanese edition:

So many not-very-subtle differences! Although I guess it was pretty hard to clamp metal to the original model’s breasts on a budget of $15.99.

The 2007 Worst Album Cover Of The Year Tournament

The battle royale between Ted Nugent and Satellite Party ends Monday at noon ET. That’s a little less than three days from now, and if you’ve waited months to help decide the “winner” of our tournament, now’s the time when every vote counts. Plus don’t forget that you can also still decide who takes home third place, Megadeth or Helalyn Flowers. Voting for the bronze medal winner will also close Monday at noon.

The Worst Album Cover Of The Year Tournament: The Final Round
Who Will Place Third In Our Worst Album Cover Of The Year Tournament

And now, the poll that has been weeks in the making: Idolator’s Worst Album Cover Of The Year Tournament final. And what a showdown it is! Ted Nugent vs. Perry Farrell. Crappy script fonts vs. crappy script fonts. An ominous-looking shadow vs. blatant abuse of drop shadow. Women-as-meat misogyny vs. some weird concept of a party in space that I don’t have the time to lay out in detail right now, but that does have Nuno Bettencourt on its guest list. An oddly placed guitar vs. an oddly placed wife. Which is truly the worst, though? That’s up to you to decide. Voting is after the jump; polls will stay open until noon ET on Monday, after which we’ll send a Spirograph to the “winning” label’s art department.

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Our Worst Album Cover Of The Year Tournament is counting down to its inevitable close, but those of you who actually had off on Monday may have missed your chance to vote in our semifinals. The last four covers standing are above–ain’t that tableau a beaut?–and we’ll be holding their respective polls open until 11:59 p.m. ET, so get voting! Only you can help create a world in which Dave Mustaine and Perry Farrell–or the chick on the Love Grenade cover and Helalyn Flowers’ metal-hungry duo–fight for the title of 2007′s biggest aesthetic horror show.

Semifinal 1: Ted Nugent vs. Megadeth: Vote here.
Semifinal 2: Satellite Party vs. Helalyn Flowers: Vote here.

Semifinal bracket [PDF]

So! Today begins the semifinal round in our Worst Album Cover Of The Year Tournament (voting lasts until 11:59 p.m. ET Wednesday, and the finals begin Thursday). Ted Nugent’s special-edition Love Grenade cover has been the favorite since way before our bracket was even constructed, but remember: Nugent’s opponents, Megadeth, were the ones who knocked out the other Love Grenade cover. And the United Abominations cover does have the advantage of kinda living up to the name of the album it’s representing. Vote after the jump!

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