Idolator: TV

"FNMTV" Reruns Further Proof That You Can Make An Acronym Mean Anything These Days

Maura Johnston — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 16:30:24 EDT

So right now MTV, in its newfound commitment to playing at least four full-length music videos per week, is running a "remixed" version of the Pete Wentz music-video mission FNMTV, as it did on Monday and Tuesday around this time. This edition is apparently a "reviews"-centric version of the show, where the featured videos take up about 2/3 of the screen and the real focus is the user-generated reactions to each video being aired. (MTV has been desperately begging its users to grab their cameras and talk or dance in response to each clip on its Web site, and it would appear that at least a few people have gobbled up the 15-seconds-of-fame bait. Including Ultragrrrl! An example is below.)

So what you have is basically multiple airings of the same four videos that aired Friday (in full and abbreviated, and surrounded by MTV News bits and brief clips of a few other videos), only now they're sung along with, danced along with, or reviewed by people who are divided into "haters" and "lovers" based on their commentary. And before you say "wait, if it's airing on a Wednesday afternoon, does that mean that MTV has given up the whole illusion that 'FN' really stands for 'Friday night?'" I should let you know that according to the show's bumpers, the "FN" in this user-generated instance actually means "feedback/new." No, really. I mean, words, right? They're so hilarious!

FNMTV [Official site]

Pete Wentz Brings Music Back To MTV, Keeps Network's Celebrity Glorification Quotient Intact

Maura Johnston — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 13:00:00 EDT

After a lot of buildup that stretched all the way to an Idolator reader poll, I watched Pete Wentz's effort to bring videos back to MTV, FNMTV Premieres, on DVR-delay Saturday morning. And it was... OK. Friday night's premiere didn't result in ground-breaking TV by any stretch, but it wasn't completely awful despite the musical presence of both will.i.am and the Pussycat Dolls. The biggest complaint I had, really, was that the show was full of filler; Anthony's prediction last week that the hourlong show would air seven videos in toto was actually over the night's tally by three. (A few older videos got a bit of screen time, but most of the music within was papered over by Wentz's explaining the clips and the collective "whooooo"ing of the well-manicured crowd.)

As Dan Gibson noted in an IM to me, it's hard to not at least appreciate the effort; surely every reader of this site has made the "lol, MTV doesn't show videos anymore" joke at least once in the past five years. The live-performance aspect of the show was also noble, and having Snoop Dogg and Panic at the Disco collaborate on "Gin And Juice" at the show's end was fine (as a bonus, it made me dig up Sissy Bar's MySpace page).

I wasn't surprised that only 30 seconds were allotted to each of the "vintage" videos that aired on the broadcast, which included Idolator pick "Bastards of Young." More irritating than that, really, was the fact that for a show that was supposed to be about the music and its associated videos, FNMTV sure felt like it had to remind viewers over and over that, yes, the people on screen were famous, solo-album flops be damned. The filler ranged from a NBC Summer Olympics-reminiscent look at the "rise" of Flo Rida to an awkward interview between Wentz and the Pussycat Dolls, and recaps of the featured clips were provided by both an instant text-message poll of the crowd (the cell-phone era equivalent of "it has a beat and you can dance to it," I guess) and a video review panel that featured MTV News' James Montgomery and the Gym Class Heroes' Travis McCoy spouting reasons why each video may have been worthy of "instant classic" status. The extra padding and the fact that commercial interruptions were limited dragged the show out, and I was left to wonder why some of these bits weren't cut in favor of another Panic performance, or maybe—gasp!—another video?

It seems odd that the attention-span-challenged youth of today really need six minutes of filler and an invitation to make their own video responses in order to properly process a clip attached to a four-minute pop song, even one as shitty as the one accompanying the Pussycat Dolls' unintentional ode to the end of the 21st-century gilded age, "When I Grow Up."

If you fast forward to the end, you can see Scherzherface making a series of increasingly crazy faces (and miss most of the song, to boot).

I suspect that week two of the show will reveal some tweaks—apparently in addition to the four new clips (including one by Vampire Weekend, oh boy) we're going to see live performances by both Lil Wayne and Duffy. Here's hoping they team up for a performance, just for the sake of making her a bit interesting.

FNMTV Premieres [mtv.com]

Have you ever wondered what a heart-to-heart ...

Maura Johnston — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 14:30:00 EDT

Have you ever wondered what a heart-to-heart between former Guns N' Roses drummer Steven Adler and early-'90s symbol of racial injustice Rodney King would sound like? Do you have a strong stomach? Then you should tune into the forthcoming season of Celebrity Rehab, which will feature both those personalities as they try to get clean under the tutelage of Dr. Drew Pinsky and Gary Busey and will probably not use "One In A Million" as its background music at any point. (Other music-related personages on the roster: Former Whitesnake poster girl Tawny Kitaen and ex-American Idol contestant Nikki McKibbin.) [Defamer]

If You Enjoy "NCIS," You Might Like Karmina

Dan Gibson — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:30:00 EDT

Series television has become the new home of music on the small screen, with more music being played on an episode of CSI during your typical hour of VH1. If you're slightly out-of-date television network CBS, why not start a label to create a little extra corporate synergy?

To their credit, the new CBS Records (not to be confused with the division of Columbia that previously owned that name) is at least setting realistic expectations for their artists, with small advances and the promise of a few drops into the more than 2,000 music placements on CBS shows each year. At very least, you have to admire the frankness of their business model.

Nancy Tellem, who heads CBS' network and television studio's entertainment division, spearheaded the launch of the label in 2006. The underlying business strategy is twofold: Save on music licensing by building a small stable of acts whose recordings would be owned by the parent group and generate revenue for CBS if any of those acts get a hit.

Free music for Numb3rs and the off chance that an artist featured on the show might hit it big? It's a win/win! Still, the tough-love corporate synergy is balanced by Larry Jenkins, the label head who still believes in the music, man.

"I spent an entire career at the major labels," Jenkins said, "and I learned a lot of what to do — and a lot of what to avoid. I thought, 'What if we went into this where we'll only sign artists who are really talented? The kind of artists you can bring to your office with acoustic guitar or a keyboard and they sing and play great. The real deal."

In addition to CBS' newfound synergy, the new Bret Michaels disc is being effectively pushed by VH1 Classic Records, which managed to work a number of Rock Of Love clips into his new video, Still, it's almost befuddling that more labels aren't springing up from existing media outlets, especially when other labels are tossing money at occasionally adept bandwagon jumpers and hoping it sticks.

A new harmony for music labels, TV [Los Angeles Times]

Fuse Wants You To Want It (Or At Least Know That It Exists)

Maura Johnston — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:30:00 EDT

Avis to MTV's music-related-television Hertz Fuse is trying to move beyond the emo demo—and into the exciting world inhabited by people between the ages of 18 and 34—and it's trying to do so by putting music back in the spotlight, pitching itself as a "curator" of sorts for people on the lookout for new sounds. Why the channel would decide to use this particular moment in time to use music pedantry as a way to attract audiences is something of a mystery, but then again, this statement of purpose represents something of a step forward for a channel whose music content very recently consisted largely of a ton of top ten countdowns that had arbitrary lines drawn between them (I still will never figure out what constitutes a "guilty pleasure" in the mind of the channel), a relative lack of bleeps compared to its main competitor, and a rock-oriented show that tried to play up its lack of a title as a selling point.

Programming-wise, Fuse will move on from the "independent rock" like, um, Panic At The Disco and the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus that it's been playing into more mainstream music. (Genre typcasting the Times', not mine. Who else misses Jeff Leeds?) Or, at least, the top-40-radio-idealized version of "mainstream" music, since I bet you that the country artists who one could argue are truly in the mainstream if you go by sales will be far away from any 18-34-eyeball-grabbing playlists, save for maybe Miranda Lambert's edgier fare.

Part of the plan, of course, is to cross-promote its brand with that of its brother arena Madison Square Garden, and pick up where MTV left off as far as covering festivals as they happen. And of course, no big rebranding campaign would be complete without advertisements!

One of the TV spots, "Music is adrenaline," was made by a New York director, David Lobser, and shows a space-age scene of dancing girls on spinning tops moving faster and faster to a beat. Another one, "Music is joy," features a surfer riding a wave in a sea of hands, meant to convey the exhilaration of a mosh pit.

One of the print ads, "Music is rebellion," shows a bright red cartoon fist clenching a microphone and was made by the artist Shepard Fairey, who is known for his "Obama Progress" poster. Another ad in the series, "Music is aphrodisiac," is done in the style of the painter Marc Chagall and shows a floating man admiring a woman whose body forms the shape of a guitar.

Fuse has tried to push the envelope with its advertising in the past. A controversial 2004 campaign featured a silhouette of a pole dancer (as well as far more risqué images) that parodied Apple's iPod campaign.

Guy Barnett, co-founder of the Brooklyn Brothers, said that the new campaign was meant to turn Fuse into a brand that everyone could relate to.

"We wanted to create a lot of work, so that if rebellion wasn't your thing, therapy might be," he said. "We wanted something that would strike a chord with everyone, that's why there is such a diversity of art."

Trying to turn anything music-related that's more complex than, say, middle C into something "everyone could relate to" seems to me like a fool's game at this point, although at least it's a fool's game that results in one player laughing while en route to the bank.

Parody and Innuendo Are Out, Artistry Is in for a Music Channel [NYT]

Did David Cook's "American Idol" Win Start The Long, Arduous Process Of Fixing The Show?

Maura Johnston — Thu, 22 May 2008 17:15:00 EDT

It's been a rough season for American Idol, what with the dropping ratings, dismal recording careers of past finalists not named Daughtry, allegations of judges making their pronouncements based on producers' whims, accusations that bringing in "ringers" with past professional/reality-TV careers had damaged the show's credibility, and insistence that Clive Davis is still relevant. (Not to mention Paula Abdul seeming more out-of-it than ever and Randy Jackson clearly losing a few pages from his Snappy Answers To Stupefying Performances phrasebook.) But could the victory last night by David Cook—who had a devotion to later-period post-grunge, heartwarming sick-brother backstory, adorable looks, and stubborn insistence on bringing something resembling artistic integrity to the normally pageant-astic finale—be a sign that Idol is still fixable, or at least give the producers an idea of what to fix first after this year's pretty rough season?

In some ways, yes. Between voters' bucking of the judges' consensus that David Archuleta had cleaned Cook's clock Tuesday—a consensus that Simon Cowell backtracked on last night twice, first in the TV Guide Channel's preshow then right before Cookie was crowned (a recanting that was accompanied by an apology!)— and the fact that, to be frank, Cook's brand of watery post-grunge is a lot more commercially viable for a new artist than the syrupy ballads that are Archie's stock in trade, it would seem that the pop compass of Idol, which has been staggeringly off this season in terms of guest mentors and the judges' comments about who they did and didn't "get," has been at least somewhat recalibrated for 2008. (Not 2007, Randy. Ahem.) In a way, the "you can play instruments" rule change was the advance that opened the door for the show to bounce back in this fashion; David Cook definitely wielded his guitar to his advantage all season, and it only sharpened his "real" edge over Archuleta, whose pageanty stage-kid persona seemed to turn off more people as the season wore on.

If the iTunes Store data dug up by rickey.org is to be believed, Cook's victory is not a fluke like the Taylor Hicks victory that Chris Molanphy claims "broke" the show; week after week, his flannel-wrapped versions of the popular songs given to him by the Idol producers outsold the competition—and some other top-selling songs on the overall chart—by quite a margin, and his music only seemed to gain steam as the show went on. Commercial viability for the show's winner could return this year, and Cook's debut album might well outsell My December—even if that saleability is in large part the result of a wrong from two years ago being "corrected" by voters.

The one problem, though, is that this righting of the saleability ship comes after a season that was, in many ways, disastrous for Idol. Paulagate, the pro-Archuleta steamroll, the erosion in desirable demographics, the obvious cheap way out the producers took when it came to licensing music from this millennium; if Idol wants to fix itself, or at least ensure that last night's ratings boost wasn't a dead-cat bounce, it needs to address most of these issues. I would definitely take a page from the judges and say that song choice is the most important thing that needs to be fixed; the graying of the Idol demographic is probably at least somewhat attributable to the fact that finding a song that came out after 2000—even in Mariah Carey week!—was a task that resembled a wild-goose chase. And if relying on newer songs means that new judges, i.e. ones who have if not an appreciation for current popular music at least a vague knowledge that it's out there (NB: repeating the name "Jack Johnson" week-in and week-out does not count), have to be brought in, then so be it. But the high ratings of this season's finale shouldn't be seen as any sort of "success," or a sign that the show's problems this season magically resolved themselves on its last night.

And with that, I close out my commentary on this season of Idol—at least until the first album comes out or Chikezie makes some sort of public statement on his recording future, because during last night I realized that he's actually the member of the top 12 whose future I'm most interested in. When is he going to sign to Daptone? (David Cook and Jason Castro are obviously tied for No. 2, while Brooke White's Donna Summer medley showing made me wonder if she shouldn't ditch the singer-songwriter thing, or at least get someone to commission a few 12-inch remixes of her first few singles.)

David Cook's Coronation Song: Prepare For the Deluge

Maura Johnston — Thu, 22 May 2008 08:53:00 EDT

David Cook's coronation song, "The Time Of My Life," is up on PopEater now. And it... sounds like a Goo Goo Dolls song. OK, it sounds like a Goo Goo Dolls song with super-treacly lyrics and a keyboard "inspired" by early E Street Band tracks, but that chorus? Talk about plucking an "Iris." (Maybe this means Johnny Rzeznik is still in Simon Fuller's good graces? After all, he was actually a decent judge on The Next Great American Band, and Randy is clearly way past his sell-by date...) Anyway, I suspect this song is going to be all over the radio stations playing in your local doctor's waiting rooms and offices that blare radios playing "the music everyone wants to hear" by, oh, 2 p.m. or so. So why not spend the first pre-caffeine jolt minutes of your day rewatching Cook's Guitar Hero commercial instead? At the very least, it makes at least one of the reasons why he triumphed over his younger rival very, ahem, clear.

David Cook: "The Time Of My Life" (Song Premiere) [PopEater]
David Cook Guitar Hero [Yahoo! Video]

Live-Blogging The "American Idol" Finale, Part II: This, Right Here, Is Our Now

Maura Johnston — Wed, 21 May 2008 19:50:00 EDT

Welcome to our second night of live-blogging the American Idol finale, two hours of spectacle leading up to the crowning of a David as the favorite pop singer of this very phone-equipped nation. I'm watching the TV Guide Channel's preshow, which has Kimberly Caldwell screaming a lot and Justin Guarini laughing dumbly a bunch and Janice Dickinson saying that she's in the tank for Archie too. (For that the producers denied Danny Noriega a ticket? Hmph.) Also, apparently Simon Cowell told Justin Guarini that it was a draw while I was on the phone?! Looks like someone saw our poll! Coverage begins after the jump...

7:55 p.m. Five minutes to go! Apparently the red carpet was crazy. And the special guests are breaking down: ZZ Top is playing with Cookie, OneRepublic with Archie, and Seal with... someone. (It has to be Brooke White, right?)

7:58 p.m. To properly prepare the New York viewing area for this momentous occasion, WNYW has decided to run the Seinfeld episode where Elaine and Jerry "mull intimacy but without commitment." And a New York Lottery ad featuring "Daydream," which awww. (Speaking of Jason: Please let Jeff Buckley not be one of tonight's digitally exhumed singers. Please.)

8:00 p.m. They're both in white! David Archuleta is wearing a shirt that says "Bowery & Bleecker" (what, no CBGB shirt?) and David Cook is wearing a white suit.

8:01 p.m. Seacrest is looking sharp. And he is unbelievably pumped to say the "FINAL RESULTS SHOW!!!" Last night, 97.5 million votes were cast, breaking the vote-total record by about 23 million ballots—the final split was 56%-44%. Quite a gap, especially for a primary night.

8:03 p.m. There was one miserable-looking guy in the crowd at David Cook's hometown rally, while the parade of young girls in David Archuleta's hometown—"all blondes and all neck," Ryan pointed out, and I have to agree—are unbelievably pumped.

8:04 p.m. The top 12 are also in all white, and now they're dancing with the So You Think You Can Dance dancers while trying to sing "Get Ready."

8:04 pm. Carly is hopelessly out of rhythm. Jason is just trying to focus on not tripping. You'd think the semi-pro dancers would take the pressure off, but I guess that's not happening. Oh, and Amanda is wearing a scarf to break up her all-white monochrome!

8:06 p.m. David Hernandez and Amanda Overmeyer are a study in contrasts: David looks thrilled to be back on a stage where he can keep his clothes on, while Amanda is looking like she just wants to get through the next 30 seconds.

8:06 p.m. Commercial break No. 1! Well, that was quick.

8:09 p.m. The ad for So You Think You Can Dance is touting its lack of B-list celebs. Janice Dickinson, you are on notice!

8:10 p.m. An awkward pause in the action, and then David Cook kickstarts that awful Nickelback song from Spider-Man. It's a duet.

8:11 p.m. It's probably not surprising that Cookie is carrying the crummy nu-grunge performance. But the sound mix is kind of terrible, too—the two mics seem to be cutting each other out.

8:12 p.m. Cook seems super-confident and happy; Archuleta is smiling blandly.

8:12 p.m. Oh no... it's a tie-in with The Love Guru. No. No.

8:13 p.m. I would rather watch an endless loop of Austin Powers 3 than this. Shoot, I'd rather watch just Beyonce's "acting" in Austin Powers 3.

8:14 p.m. They're interviewing the two Davids about the movie. Archie can barely muster out his pre-fab line about what he liked about the movie.

8:14 p.m. The torrent of '90s references being thrown at David Cook is a little funny, although I would have made a Screaming Trees joke instead of an Alice In Chains one.

8:15 p.m. Oh, this is going beyond the taped bit and into Mike Myers showing up on stage. God, I miss the subtlety of Wayne's World right now.

8:17 p.m. Are people really going to see this movie? And is Mike Myers still making the "I'm going to make a joke about promoting the movie as promoting the movie" joke? The answers would seem to be no and yes.

8:18 p.m. And now, it's Seal duetting with Syesha on that song that was in all those TNT promo ads a few years back. And the sound is still absolutely awful.

8:19 p.m. You know what this performance needs? Ice skaters.

8:19 p.m. "Underrehearsed" would be a good description for what's going on right now, I think.

8:20 p.m. Why would they give Syesha a song that was so out of her vocal range? They don't need to throw her under the bus anymore.

8:22 p.m. Next year, the eliminations should be sponsored by any company with a five-blade razor, if only for the express purpose of some super-awkward sponsor tie-in videos.

8:25 p.m. Jason!

8:26 p.m. The producers aren't taking any lyric-forgetting chances here, with him singing "Hallelujah." However, Mr. Castro is taking a fashion risk by wearing what seems to be a... a denim shirt.

8:27 p.m. Prediction: Jeff Buckley's version of this song will be back in the iTunes top 20 within the next 12 hours.

8:27 p.m. He made Melinda Doolittle cry!

8:28 p.m. And now it's time for the Blooper-reel Ford ad... including one shot of Carly, er, hugging the hood of a Ford.

8:29 p.m. ALL THE DAVIDS ARE GETTING CARS!!! David Archuleta actually took the Lord's name in vain, he was so excited.

8:29 p.m. The ladies, all in red, are now doing a Donna Summer medley that opens with "She Works Hard For The Money." Brooke's tone is very Donna-like; Kristy's is awful. Amanda, meanwhile, looks like she would like to be anywhere else on earth.

8:30 p.m. I bet you never thought you'd hear a yarled version of "Hot Stuff" tonight. God bless Amanda. Meanwhile, Carly sings the chorus as if her career still depends on it. And then there's Ramiele, who... well, let's just say that Alex Lushington was robbed one final time and leave it at that.

8:32 p.m. Donna is now out and performing her new single. I need a better mix to judge, but so far, this is no "This Time I Know It's For Real."

8:33 p.m. Yeah, I'm not into this. Please see the below clip as to why:

Stock Aitken and Waterman forever, yo.

8:34 p.m. Wait, how is it "Last Dance" time? It's only 8:34! Who won? What about the rest of the Ford ads?

8:35 p.m. Syesha: Still bringing the pitchy, even tonight. There's something to be said for consistency, I guess.

8:39 p.m. Carly and Michael, "shock" eliminees both, singing a ... bar-bandy rendition of "The Letter." Aw, they make a cute Captain and Tennille sort of pair. The Ascot and Tattoo!

8:41 p.m. I kind of love Carly's minidress, because it looks like it was made from a scrap of studded fabric that at one time served as her tattoo parlor's curtain.

8:42 p.m. These two are so going to do... something together. Right?

8:43 p.m. Oh God, Jimmy Kimmel?

8:43 p.m. Wow, a "Sanjaya is a has-been" joke and a "Chris Sligh is fat" joke. This whole thing is coming off like a best man's toast at a wedding of people who aren't funny at all.

8:45 p.m. And now the guys are doing what I suspect is a Bryan Adams medley. Michael Johns is probably appropriate for singing the lyrics about the summer of '69, since he's the oldest. And Jason Castro... no. He should not be anywhere near this song at all. Man, the producers have been up Bryan's ass this season, right? Remember the whole thing with "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" during Hollywood Week?

8:47 p.m. The Davids are singing "Heaven," but sadly, it is not the DJ Sammy version.

8:47 p.m. And now Bryan Adams is performing his new single. I guess it doesn't count as paid programming if all the promotions are the result of favor-trading, but...

8:50 p.m. "Somebody" doesn't really have the same oomph when it's sung by a chorus of guys. In fact, it kind of reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit where Jason Sudeikis and his pals put a song on the jukebox and reveal their secrets in just enough time to launch into singalongs of every chorus. Creepy!

8:53 p.m. Something tells me this "Joe Torre adjusts to LA" State Farm ad won't be airing on the YES Network anytime soon.

8:54 p.m. Jordin Sparks talks about "living the Idol dream"... at Walt Disney World. The franchising of this show is officially out of hand.

8:55 p.m. No, Randy Jackson, ZZ Top do not rate devil horns.

8:55 p.m. Especially since it seems like they'll whore out their hits to any guy who sounds even vaguely Krogerish. (This time it's "Sharp Dressed Man," which they're performing behind D. Cook.) Does no one remember the Billboard Awards from 2006? Well, I guess no one does, since they don't exist anymore.

8:57 p.m. Cookie is having a good time. But the "underrehearsed" thing is definitely floating to the front of my mind again.

8:59 p.m. David Cook's high-school music teacher is on! Yay, music teachers.

8:59 p.m. And now it's time for... wait, someone who played with David Crosby and Stephen Stills? Uh, not Neil Young, right? Oh, no, it's Graham Nash, Brooke White, and an awkward count-in from the band. Did they decide to let the intern direct tonight's show?

9:02 p.m. This is very sweet. And it's clear that Brooke knew "Teach Your Children," because she sailed through the whole thing.

9:03 p.m. This Coldplay song: Totally OK, especially when it kicks into that U2/Arcade Fire chorus.

9:03 p.m. Oh my god, it's David Cook in a Guitar Hero ad that pays homage to Risky Business. Well, you have to know that Archie would probably never get that particular endorsement. Please don't tell me that this means another season of The Next Great American Band is in the offing, though?

9:06 p.m. The girls are freaking out because... it is... JONAS BROTHERS TIME!

9:07 p.m. Joe Jonas is wearing... a puffy T-shirt? And yes, here is where I note that David Archuleta is nowhere close to being a Jonas yet. He needs more time in shiny suits and, you know, talking to girls and stuff.

9:09 p.m. Ah, it's time for the annual "bring out your freaks" montage. Some people on this couch aren't likin' this.

9:10 p.m. 45 seconds for the girl who was painted gold. 45 seconds for the guy who couldn't enunciate. Ah, and now it's time for a tribute to Renaldo Lapuz and "I Am Your Brother." I guess more Mike Myers would be worse.

9:12 p.m. Oh, no, they brought him to the show to sing live! He's going to be doing this for the next 48 minutes!

9:12 p.m. No, really. This is going to be the rest of the show. An extended marching-band routine and then the So You Think You Can Dance dancers will come out and then they'll add the digital Pips and the digital Gladys Knight and the digital Beatles and I'm going to miss my midnight showing of Indiana Jones because the winners won't be announced until this cacophony is over and oh my God it's already been two minutes, you guys.

9:14 p.m. He's played off. My tickets are safe!

9:15 p.m. Speaking of summer blockbusters, how much is Get Smart going to suck? It's a shame, too, because I really want to see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson drop the People's Elbow on a comedy that's actually worthy of his talent. And eyebrows.

9:16 p.m. WE'RE BROTHERS 'TIL THE END OF TIIIIIME... oh, this is going to be stuck in my head all night. Quick, someone find me a YouTube of the Hawaii Five-O theme, a.k.a. the ultimate earworm eraser! The future of this liveblog depends on you!

9:17 p.m. And now it's time for OneRepublic to perform "Against All Odds '07." Hey, remember when everyone thought they were going to have a second single? Ah, January.

9:19 p.m. And here's Archie, and the Piped-In Screams Of Producer Manipulation.

9:20 p.m. This song really isn't the same without those Timbaland "eh... eh, eh"s.

9:20 p.m. To be fair to David A., this song does play to his strengths. Particularly the fact that he doesn't have to remember all that many words, which must be some comfort to him.

9:22 p.m. David's grandfather just said that he's proud of his grandson and his son. Uh, OK.

9:23 p.m. Jordin Sparks comes out to perform her new single wearing what looks like an Isaac Mizrahi for Target dress. (I don't mean that in a bad way! I like his dresses.) This track is probably not going to reach the airplay heights of "Tattoo," since it's a bland cross between a coronation song and Michael Jackson's "Remember The Time." And Jordin seems rushed. I do like that she's broken free and made her nose ring more prominent, though.

9:26 p.m. Way, way too long. I miss Fantasia.

9:26 p.m. Blake Lewis, the devoted older brother/crush type, is singing along. So many Jordin journals are filled with lyrics about him.

9:27 p.m. How many comedies this summer are operating under the premise "Saturday Night Live guy adapts accent, expects roffles?" I count two advertised on this show so far.

9:30 p.m. Free idea: Dunkin' Donuts and They Might Be Giants should co-sponsor a songwriting contest that's decided by their good old Dial-A-Song concept, i.e., the track with the most calls wins.

9:31 p.m. Only 29 minutes to go! And it's just in time for... the Gladys Knight/fake Pips performance. The fake Pips being Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr., who are promoting that movie where Downey's in blackface— a "creative decision" that he wisely decided to not reprise here.

9:32 p.m. Actually, Downey's probably doing the Pip routine the best. Jack and Ben are predictably overhammy. Boy, do I miss the Jack Black of "Jeepers Creepers Semistar."

9:34 p.m. I also miss the Ben Stiller of The Ben Stiller Show, but that's probably something that goes without saying.

9:34 p.m. Oh, great, now the revenues from the video are for charity so I have to feel bad about thinking it was awful.

9:35 p.m. Carrie Underwood, in a ponytail, comes out blazing and pitchy for "Before He Cheats II," a.k.a. "Last Name."

9:36 p.m. So Carrie is wearing this outfit that's like ... shorts and a jacket, only attached to the sleeves is this kind of shawl/jump rope contraption. I guess that's because she brings her own fun? But this song is all about getting drunk and going home with someone, which you'd think would make this outfit a bit... tricky.

9:38 p.m. Ashley Tisdale and her new nose are in the audience, and I am so happy that she's not on that stage singing her "He Said She Said" song.

9:41 p.m. Now it's a David Archuleta Guitar Hero ad. With, yes, him in the Risky Business boxers. No. Just.... no. Thankfully, this one seemed much shorter than the Cook ad.

9:43 p.m. The last top 12 medley ever... starts with Kristy Lee Pander-Girl Cook fucking up "Faith." Carly recovers, but then they force Ramiele down our throats again.

9:44 p.m. Yeah, Amanda is not a good pick for this song either.

9:44 p.m. Oh man, and now it's the guys singing "Father Figure." Don't mess this up you guys. I have to live through the next 16 minutes.

9:45 p.m. Michael first; OK, he can do it. Hahaha, they gave David Hernandez the line about being naked! And Chikezie growls his line. I would love to hear him sing this whole song.

9:45 p.m. OK, so I got chills when David Cook did the "end of... tiiime" bit.

9:46 p.m. This is all making me really miss Chikezie a lot, you guys.

9:47 p.m. Chikezie with the vamps! Where is his album, I ask you? When does ?uestlove snap him up?

9:48 p.m. Aw, "Praying For Time." I kind of figured this would be the song he'd sing after the whole "Idol Gives Back" thing. Is anyone getting a recent-Morrissey vibe off this?

9:50 p.m. Paula is crying. God, I love this song. I wonder if anyone would be willing to get me tickets to one of his shows... hint, hint.

9:51 p.m. "Praying For Time": Now more than ever?

9:52 p.m. Yeah, I think so.

9:53 p.m. Oh, he apologized for having a cold!! Poor George!!

9:55 p.m. Do you guys think that Ashton Kutcher has a Flickr page?

9:57 p.m. We're back! Jordin Sparks' reign of terror is about to end!

9:57 p.m. Randy: "You're both winners."

9:57 p.m. Paula: "It's the beginning of the start of the destinies of your careers." Then she babbled something about losing being OK. Densities?

9:58 p.m. Simon: "On the night, it was a terrific show..." and he apologized for treating David Cook the way he did last night! Could this be a hint? And now he's saying that he doesn't care who wins?

9:59 p.m. The votes are certified, and bona fide, to borrow a phrase from an old co-worker.

9:59 p.m. The lights go down.

10:00 p.m. The David who wins is... David Cook!

10:00 p.m. By 12 million votes! Wow. I guess all that bus-throwing reverse psychology worked.

10:01 p.m. David Cook is crying. Meanwhile, David Archuleta has run off to the other side of the stage.

10:01 p.m. And that's it. David Cook is blaming his brother, there's no sing-off I guess? Oh, here's... "Time Of My Life"? I guess this is what Paula meant by the songs from last night not being the winning songs.

10:03 p.m. So, how many months do you think we're going to have before Games puts out a special American Idol issue?

10:04 p.m. Wait, does David Archuleta look... relieved? Actually, that wouldn't surprise me in the least, given that he's now pretty much off the hook for all those interviews.

10:05 p.m. It's over! Does this mean that American Idol now has—gasp—credibility? Nah, we'll probably be complaining about Cookie's first single very, very soon.

10:08 p.m. Paula was just quoted on the local news as saying that this was the "best finale." Her prognosticating abilities are getting better by the minute!

10:11 p.m. Well, that's it, another year of American Idol in the books. I'm pretty happy with the results, although i suspect the hue and cry from the Archie fans elsewhere on the Internet will be loud and coming my way very soon. In the meantime, a friend of mine is trying to figure out which Chiefs game during the 2009 season will feature a David Cook national anthem.

10:13 p.m. Oh and I guess George Michael really is the biggest star in the world? To be honest, I'm pretty much 100% OK with that.

A Plea: David Archuleta Needs To Win "American Idol"

Anthony Miccio — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:00:00 EDT

Damn you, Cooksuckers! A miracle of a man is standing before you, and you're asking for more oatmeal instead. David Cook beating David Archuleta would be the most grievous public decision since Bush beat Kerry, if not since Barabbas beat Jesus. Do you really prefer lame rock over good schmaltz? Would you rather listen to Nickelback than "Can You Feel The Love Tonight"? This is a kid that sings like James Ingram, but looks like Fievel! David Archuleta is exactly the kind of circus act that should win America's Best Whatevs in the absence of anything genuinely enjoyable, while David Cook is Daughtry with more hair and less charisma. Sure, Cook gets teary-eyed after his performances, but while he's singing he looks like he'd enjoy nothing more than a body-sized mirror with a hole in it. Archie, on the other hand, is squinting, panting, and crooning for you.

The evidence:

David Archuleta brought it to the finals.
Molten hot! Hot! Fire!

David's dad made him sing "You're The Voice," and on his own accord, he sang Chris Brown's "With You," unconsciously wiggling his ass.
Both more acceptable than Our Lady Peace.

Unlike his opponent, David Archuleta never revealed just how crappy a song "Baba O'Riley" is when it's stripped of its keyboard hook.

I'd blame Cook for his interpretation of "Billie Jean" as well, but really, that's Chris Cornell's fault.

David Archuleta is a wittle mouse who likes to pretend he's Vanessa Carlton.

Awwwww. Don't you just want to put him in a shoebox with a little blanket?

As the career of Daughtry proves, David Cook doesn't need the Idol crown to join all the other candy-ass yarlers who make me wish Eddie Vedder had suffered a lethal surfing accent soon after recording "Hunger Strike." (I don't want to imagine life without "Hunger Strike.") I've even caught myself referring to the sound as "Cook Rock" lately, reaffirming how easily he'd slipped into the tepid world of rock/adult contemporary crossover. Archuleta's magic is a more fragile thing, one that requires a royal handle in order that he may some day walk with cartoon animals. Yes, he may wind up a resentful queen like Clay Aiken. Perhaps his relationship with his father will send himself spiraling downward into chemicals and squalor. But when he sang "Smoky Mountain Memories" during Dolly Parton week, I watched the story of every child performer whose family depended on their modest talents brought to bittersweet life.

Not that I voted. (Just saying.)

American Idol 7 - David Cook - Baba O'Riley 05/06/08 [YouTube]
David Archuleta A Thousand Miles [YouTube]
David Archuleta - Smoky Mountain Memories - Top 9 [YouTube]

"American Idol": Killing Gladys Knight For The Sake Of Ratings?

Maura Johnston — Wed, 21 May 2008 16:45:00 EDT

From the "so ludicrous, it's probably true" file: "TMZ moles say the finale will include a virtual hologram of Gladys Knight singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" with Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Downey Jr. singing backup as the Pips. Holy Nat King Cole! Idol did this last season when Celine Dion sang alongside a virtual undead Elvis. For the record, Gladys Knight is still alive." You know what makes this item amazing? The fact that it sounds like something that Frank Cross would be commissioning in the opening scene of Scrooged II: Now He's Really Scrooged. Also that you'd think the Idol producers would not want to get so blatantly "inspired" by The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, 30 Rock, and a Geico ad in its big, CGI-busting finale, but I guess that sort of creativity-lacking moxie is what I should expect from the show by now. [TMZ]

Tonight's "American Idol" Finale: Madonna? The Jonases? ZZ Top??

Maura Johnston — Wed, 21 May 2008 14:30:00 EDT

With six hours to go until the final episode of this American Idol season, our poll, DialIdol, and Zabasearch are all claiming that David Cook's grunge revivalism has won the Internet version of the show, despite the three judges last night being firmly in the tank for David Archuleta. Whether or not those predictions are correct is an outcome we'll all have to wait many hours for, but in the two hours between the show's opening sequence and the confetti-filled finale, we're going to have lots of entertainment to fill the time (and live-blogging space! what, you thought I was going to miss this?) between commercial breaks. Rumors are flying that Madonna, the Jonas Brothers, and Seal (?!) are going to show up—we've collected a bunch of finale spoilers after the jump.

• Jason Castro has said that one of the guest stars could be known as "codename Virgin Airlines," which could mean Madonna... or it could mean the Spice Girls, who, don't forget, have a Virgin Atlantic jet named after them and are also managed by Idol creator Simon Fuller.
• However, E! is claiming that the biggest star in the world slated to appear on tonight's show is, in fact, George Michael, which makes me wonder if we'll be hearing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" again.
• Not among the biggest stars in the world, but also scheduled to appear: The Jonas Brothers, Donna Summer, and ZZ Top. Ah, I hope this means Michael Johns will bust out "Tush"!
• Also, Seal, perhaps so Brooke White can sing "Crazy."
• Carrie Underwood will sing her new single, "Last Name," and other Idol contestants from years past will be on hand. Taylor Hicks, alas, will not be one of them, as he's currently bringing the wamp to Italy.
• Nigel Lythgoe is promising another "dead Elvis"-style duet. God, if it's John Lennon doing "Imagine," I'm going to imagine that there's no Fox affiliate on the TV in my living room and switch to Law & Order immediately.
• Lythgoe also hinted to Ryan Seacrest this morning that Jason Castro was going to reprise "Hallelujah" tonight.

Season 7 Finale Spoilers [MJ's Big Blog]

The "American Idol" Poll You've Been Waiting For: Which David Delivered Tonight's Knockout Punch?

Maura Johnston — Wed, 21 May 2008 01:00:00 EDT

The first third of the American Idol finale is in the history books everywhere in the country! (Except maybe Hawaii, although maybe not—after all, since the weather there is so nice it would make sense to have "prime time" at 5 p.m. so as to maximize the enjoyment of their evenings.) The three songs have been sung, the songwriting contest has once again been exposed as a way to get America's worst songwriters more screen time than they ever deserve, and the judges have seemingly abandoned David Cook—or decided to engage in major reverse psychology with his fans in hopes of really giving Jeff Archuleta a Montreal screwjob-type finish to his super-meddlesome "guardian" tenure. Who knows what sort of mind games the producers are trying to play! I've watched pretty much every second of American Idol since January and I still don't. Anyway, after the jump we have the official Idolator "Who Will Win Idol?" poll, along with a few predictions from other corners of the Internet and clips from tonight's show.

Honestly, I have no idea who will win. On MJ's Blog there are lots of reports of busy signals for David Cook, and reports that Dial Idol, which has been pretty slammed all evening, is firmly in the green for him—but these reports are all coming way before the West Coast strongholds have really gotten into the thick of voting. For those of you who were having some sort of life from 8-9 p.m. in your local time zone, here's video of each contestant's strongest performance:

David Cook's Collective Soul song, which, upon further review, was a strong performance and pretty much thrown under the bus by the We Love Archie crew:

And David Archuleta's "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me," which showed off the George Michael-ish aspects of his vocal tone and wasn't watered down for religious purposes:

David Cook - The World I Know [Redlasso]
David Archuleta - Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me [Redlasso]
[Videos via MJ]
Earlier: Live-Blogging The Finale, Part I

Tinfoil Hat Time: Did The Producers Turn Up David Archuleta's Screaming-Girl Chorus By Accident?

Maura Johnston — Wed, 21 May 2008 00:45:00 EDT

I've had a sneaking suspicion for most of the season that the producers have been sweetening the screeching-girl noises during David Archuleta's performances, or at least enhancing it a bit—blame a childhood spent preferring Guns N' Roses to New Kids On the Block. But! During Archie's second song tonight, I swear I heard some evidence that there was at least a little bit of producer manipulation. Watch the clip above; when you hit the 20-second mark or so, listen to the "crowd noise" that comes in. Does it sound oddly muted, and oddly timed, to you? Especially since it's accompanied by a pit full of stock-still young ladies who should have had their hands set to "sway" during this frenzy-inspiring moment? Maybe I'm just hearing the tongue baths of Randy, Paula, and Simon echoing in my ears, but something just seems a little... off. Ah, the unpredictability of live TV! [Redlasso via MJ]

Live-Blogging The "American Idol" Finale, Part I: Someone Named David Is Going To Come Out On Top Tonight

Maura Johnston — Tue, 20 May 2008 19:55:00 EDT

Well, here we go, right? Let's just thank the world that the spoiler I saw over at MJ's place about David Cook being given "Perfect Day" by Clive was from a parody site. (At least, I think it was.) My minute-by-minute breakdown of tonight's festivities—in which each singer does three songs—after the jump!

8:00 p.m. We're starting with... the Rocky theme? And Michael Buffer? Honestly, do they have to butch up David Archuleta that badly?

8:01 p.m. "Weighing in at 180 lbs..." well, that's definitely Cook. Oh my god, they're both in boxing robes! Where is Ryan in a Foot Locker uniform!

8:01 p.m. This did not really work as far as "instilling tension" goes. I'm just waiting for the New York Lotto Mega Millions announcer to come out and say just how much the prize recording contract is worth.

8:02 p.m. Luke Perry is in the audience! Guess he's in Danny Noriega's seat.

8:02 p.m. Ryan: "Once again, the eyes of America are trained on a single stage..." Bryan: "Isn't there a primary tonight?"

8:03 p.m. Oh, they're really referring to these two kids as "Big David" and "Little David." Tonight there are four hours to vote! For each time zone!

8:04 p.m. Did Fox just get boxing or something? Or maybe the WWE rights? Because the amount of boxing imagery in this is already ridiculous, and it's four minutes in.

8:04 p.m. Wow, I hope this means that Clive Davis is having David Cook sing "Eye Of The Tiger."

8:05 p.m. Old White Males Offer Their Predictions. Yes, this is definitely an homage to boxing.

8:05 p.m. How was neither David ever in the bottom three? What about the week when there were only four contestants? Was everyone tied? What about last week? The math of Idol is already addling my head.

8:06 p.m. In the "spikes of hair" competition, Archie is beating Cook, if only because his aren't sticking up as absurdly as his compatriot's.

8:07 p.m. This whole segment is sponsored by Coca-Cola. And the Nokia Theater, judging by the number of times each judge has name-dropped the venue as a "special place" for competition. I thought they were here because the Kodak was booked?

8:08 p.m. Simon: "You've got to hate your opponent." David A: "You know, this guy is awesome." So of course David Cook has to talk about how nice Cookie is! Will Little David get further penalized for diverting from the script?

8:13 p.m. The boxing allegories continue. Seriously, where did this footage come from?

8:13 p.m. Clive Davis is on talking about how he looked for songs that spoke to generational angst, etc. Ahh, so he picked "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" for Cook. I shudder to think what shitty nu-grunge song Cookie picked for himself.

8:14 p.m. Cook kicks in. His voice sounds very... airy.

8:15 p.m. IS THAT A TELEPROMPTER BEHIND THE JUDGES?

8:15 p.m. Oh, and now he's jumping on the catwalk. Clive Davis is front row center, but not clapping along, perhaps because he sees Kelly Clarkson Mach II singing in front of him right now.

8:16 p.m. I don't know if condensing this song really worked for it—too much of the build was lost. But hey, maybe Paula will judge all three songs right now and we won't have to worry.

8:17 p.m. Randy just called tonight the "duel of 2007." I guess Jordin Sparks is now officially erased from the books.

8:17 p.m. Paula had another one of her semi-cougary "I want you so bad" lines prewritten for her as praise for Cookie. Simon liked it too, so there. I guess the judges can't complain about "song choice" given that they're so dependent on Clive.

8:18 p.m. And we go right into David the Little singing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me."

8:18 p.m. He's already doing the vamping. I really hate that about this kid. He's all about telling via runs, and not showing via interpretation.

8:19 p.m. He's doing the squinting thing too.

8:19 p.m. The way he's shaking the mic looks like Axl Rose's shaky hands in the "Don't Cry" video. The judges are going to love this. Big smile from David's dad.

8:20 p.m. Randy starts with the "so, uh..." which is not a good sign.

8:21 p.m. Uh, so much for that. Randy says that he's picked the right time to peak. Really? Really, Randy? After pimping—and I hate using that word—this kid all season?

8:21 p.m. Paula sunshine blah blah blah.

8:21 p.m. Simon thinks that it was the best he's done so far. But—is there a but? Ah, yes, he gives round 1 to Archie. Yes, it's so in the bag for David The Younger. How could we have thought any differently?

8:22 p.m. Archie is still panting. If he's physically unable to sing songs 2 and 3, does he get DQ'd?

8:26 p.m. There are still two songs to go and the show is almost half over! Does this mean fewer tortured boxing analogies?

8:27 p.m. Ah, I spoke too soon. Oh no it's songwriting contest time!!! OH NO

8:28 p.m. Jim Lampley is camping this up if he's really doing this for Idol.

8:28 p.m. Oh, the songwriting contest. This song is apparently called "Dream Big." It sounds like it was originally filler for some mid-period Survivor album. "If you don't dream big, what's the use of dreaming"? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

8:29 p.m. "Faith is something you can('t?) see." I'm starting to wonder if all these songwriting contest picks are first vetted by some sort of Christian rock organization so their Stealth Religious Quotient can meet a certain threshold.

8:31 p.m. OKAY SOMEONE IS DEFINITELY WRITING PAULA'S LINES. If the person who is could e-mail me I would be forever indebted to you, just for personal satisfaction of conspiracy theory purposes.

8:31 p.m. Simon didn't like the song. Well, they can't all be "This Is My Now," right?

8:32 p.m. Paula just said that the song David sang "wasn't the winning song." What? Really, Paula? Are you opening the door to conspiracy theories again?

8:35 p.m. The "Lust For Life" ad. If only Iggy and the Stooges were slated to be on tomorrow's show. And singing with Madonna. She could make up with Mike Watt!

8:36 p.m. Tickets to the tour are actually selling? Huh.

8:36 p.m. Archie starts to sing, and we're treated to random explosion of screams in the low, end of the background. And the crowd looks placid. Maybe they are piping in crazed teenage screeches, just like I theorized last week!

8:37 p.m. This song: Also terrible. Dear producers: Please ditch the singing competition next year. This song sounds like "Don't Cry Out Loud" neutered by a grape-juice-and-communion-wafers hangover.

8:38 p.m. The screams come up again. I really do think that his "teen girl" appeal is being way overstated here.

8:39 p.m. Randy is breaking out the "singing the phone book" again? The crowd is really not into the judges' raves. However, Bryan is very happy that Constantine is in the audience.

8:40 p.m. Simon gives round two to Archie. To celebrate, Archie is licking the middle of his top lip down to a nub.

8:41 p.m. Ooh, a new iTunes ad with Coldplay!

8:42 p.m. You guys, I'm starting to get bummed out. I wanted to see the big "Jeff Archuleta looks crestfallen because of the crashing of his gravy train" camera shot tomorrow night! Instead, I'm probably going to wind up seeing Young David on Celebrity Rehab on Vh1 Lost Dignity in 2011 or so.

8:44 p.m. Wait, was that Kid from Kid N' Play in the So You Think You Can Dance commercial?

8:45 p.m. The boxing analogies are back. "The last round is always a fight." Dear David Cook—oh no, you're singing Collective Soul this time out?

8:45 p.m. David Archuleta is reprising "Imagine." Guessing he won't leave in the heaven line this time around.

8:46 p.m. David Cook's pick is yet another piece of rock-radio filler. Like I knew this song? But I didn't know that it was by Collective Soul (NB this could be in part because rock radio, like pretty much every other format except classic rock and classical, doesn't back-announce anymore). The judges are going to hate this, the kids aren't going to vote, and David Archuleta's going to win.

8:47 p.m. I'm not even that invested in David Cook, but I feel like tonight's show is like one of those obviously mismatched playoff games where the team you're rooting for is the underdog, and you're so pumped... until the opposing team puts up a five-run fourth.

8:48 p.m. He's crying. Will this make people embrace him? Randy loves Collective Soul. "This is the kind of record that you could make and get by with," he says. Uh, quite the ringing endorsement there.

8:49 p.m. Standing O from Paula.

8:49 p.m. "One of the nicest, most sincere contestants we've had," says Simon. But he thought it was "completely and utterly the wrong song choice," because he should have reprised one of the songs from a few weeks back.

8:50 p.m. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" asks Simon. "Well, yes and no," David says. "Why do something I've already done?" Ooh, Archu-BURN-a! But he has a point. Even though in America, David Cook, you should know that artistry never wins.

8:53 p.m. I really want to go back to this "phantom crowd noise" thing, because it is more than a little fishy. I was always wondering if the little girls really liked young David more than his other David... I mean, I'm saying this as someone who preferred Guns N' Roses to New Kids On The Block back in the day, so.

8:53 p.m. OH MY GOD SOMEONE EATS A FINGERTIP ON HELLS KITCHEN???

8:54 p.m. I seriously loathe this version of "Imagine" because he obviously has no idea what the song means, and it's made patently obvious by the fact that all he can do is show off his instrument. No lyrical interpretation, just runs, runs, runs. This is so obviously what the Clive Davis Machine hath wrought, though—Whitney and Celine and Mariah, the troika of revered singers, were just the starting point for the robo-voiced, and David is the next generation, all "virtuosity" but no art.

8:56 p.m. Will Randy say that thing about the phone book? No, but he does say that he thought all season that the final would be both Davids. Which prompts a concerned look from Simon.

8:57 p.m. Blah, blah, Paula's speechless, it was stunning. Can we just give it to the kid so we don't have to sit through Madonna tomorrow?

8:57 p.m. Simon: "We've taken a bit of stick, but this show is about finding a star... and what we have witnessed is a knockout." Yes, but David? Is not a star. He is a technical singer who's held up like a marionette by a bunch of people, who's unable to say anything but "cool" or "awesome" if he's not being fed the lines by his father or Andrew Lloyd Webber. He's even breaking down right now, you can see it. No poise, just a voice.

9:00 p.m. I do like how the producers recut "Imagine" during the ending montage to include an Archu-squeaka. Yeah, like the judges would have commented on that.

9:00 p.m. Aw, David Cook. Come over and we can do crosswords and listen to Soundgarden. I'll even give you hints on the Saturday puzzle if I know the answers.

9:01 p.m. Whoa, it's Ruben! Singing the "see ya" song! David Archuleta, turn to your left and watch closely.

9:02 p.m. Is Ruben even signed to a label at this point? Is this performance supposed to be an audition? Ruben's voice is pretty great. How did J botch his marketing so badly?

9:03 p.m. The ending montage features the Michael Johns elimination and Carly's Fateful Shirt Of Simon Love.

9:05 p.m. Well, that was anticlimactic. And we're going to have to hear "Don't Cry Out Loud" again tomorrow, too! Gah. At least I have the prospect of watching a food critic eat a human fingertip to cheer me up.

David Cook To Transform Into Bono For 90 Seconds Tonight

Maura Johnston — Tue, 20 May 2008 15:00:00 EDT

A few more spoilers have started to trickle out about tonight's American Idol pre-finale, including word that David Archuleta will reprise "Imagine" and David Cook is planning on singing U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"—the first time a U2 song has been cleared for an Idol performance. (Perhaps this means that Bono is the big star Nigel Lythgoe was crowing about yesterday?) Also: Unlike last year, when Blake Lewis was forced to gut out "This Is My Now," the two Davids have been given leeway to pick their own coronation songs from the songwriting contest's top ten vote-getters. Their rumored picks, and other news bits, after the jump.

David Archuleta's pick is "Here I Am":

Ah, another one of those vaguely Christian-rock songs with a vaguely R & B edge that draws deliberate comparisons between fame and being saved by the Lord. The breathiness of the demo's singer must have really appealed to David's ~~dad~~ vocal coaches.

Meanwhile, David Cook's rumored pick is the song that I originally thought was sung by a Weiland clone!

Nice "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" guitars on the pre-chorus there.

A few other notable items in the Idol universe, via MJ unless otherwise noted:

• No word on Clive Davis' picks for the two Davids yet, but I'm sure they'll both be written by Professional Songwriters. Ahem.
• Neil Diamond is allegedly going to duet on "America" with little David, while in what could be an amazing mash-up trainwreck, Mariah Carey and David Cook are planning to sing "Always Be My Baby" together. Do you think she'll get mad if he steps on her lines?
• Vote for the Worst is reporting that a cappella aficionado Luke Menard has been diagnosed with cancer. The site is saying that the cancer is inoperable, but a commenter claiming inside knowledge is saying that whatever Luke has been diagnosed with is treatable. Either way, here's hoping for a speedy recovery.
• I think we all need a pick-me-up after that news, so for those of you who were missing Danny Noriega, here he is talking about how he was too TMTH for the Idol producers on the TV Guide Channel:

Ish!

Season 7 Final 2 Song Spoilers [MJ's Big Blog]
Danny Noriega - Idol Chat (Idol Tonight) 5192008 [YouTube]

A Reminder

Maura Johnston — Tue, 20 May 2008 09:15:00 EDT

It's Idol finale day! (Well, pre-finale day, if you're feeling picky.) We'll have more news about that over the coming hours, but I just wanted to put out a reminder that once again Idolator's live-blogging of the finale will be in full effect, and that I'll be taking the reins of the blog at 8 p.m. ET tonight and tomorrow so you will have someone to watch along with. Also, if you'd like to see what happens when I get into a room with other Idol bloggers—Rickey of rickey.org, MJ of MJ's Big Blog, Michael Slezak of EW, and Jim Cantiello of MTV—MTV taped a roundtable of us chatting and bickering last week, and it's now online. Fun game: Count how many times I say the words "Alex Lushington" while I'm on camera! [MTV]

Who Fits The "American Idol" Definition Of "The Biggest Star In The World"?

Maura Johnston — Mon, 19 May 2008 17:00:00 EDT

MJ's Big Blog has a slew of spoilers for this week's pair of American Idol finale episodes, including word that David Archuleta is going to reprise his blasphemy-excised version of "Imagine" and the news that Paula Abdul is going to sing a song from her new album, too. And the Jonas Brothers will be appearing, because the ratings really need the help! And OneRepublic will drop by, too, because... well, I'm still trying to figure that one out. But that puzzle will have to go on the back burner because Nigel Lythgoe told an interviewer today that "the biggest star in the world" would show up at the finale; given the, ahem, skewed nature of the Idol universe figuring out just who that shining example of fame could be, well, anyone who's been touched by the hand of Clive. So let's send it to the poll software!

It's going to be Dead Elvis, isn't it? Sigh.

A Roundup Of Season 7 Finale Spoilers [MJ's Big Blog]
[Photo via The Advocate]

"Idol" Powers That Be Weren't Likin' It

Maura Johnston — Mon, 19 May 2008 09:15:00 EDT

Thanks to the producers wanting to suck as much fun out of this week's American Idol finale as possible, "Tainted Love"-singing, purple-streaked American Idol hopeful Danny Noriega will not be in attendance, apparently because Nigel Lythgoe & Co. first made him beg for a ticket and then told him "uh-uh, sorry, it's full" after watching his dog and pony show. I hope this means that The Soup will have him on for a Very Special Guest Appearance this Friday! [rickey.org]

This Year, "American Idol" Will Be Won By A Dude Named David (But You Knew That Already)

Maura Johnston — Thu, 15 May 2008 08:30:00 EDT

So last night's completely anticlimactic episode of American Idol ended with the Battle Of The Davids officially beginning, a development that I was hoping would be derailed at the last minute for the purposes of filling out Fox's DVR-killing one hour and two minute runtime. (Thanks for ruining my recording of Top Chef, guys!) But alas, it was not to be, and the producers are probably still drunk on celebratory "our plan worked!!" champagne. In an effort to make things interesting, there are apparently conspiracy theories floating around about David Archuleta (or his people) wanting to sing a "hip-hop ballad" version of Dan Fogelberg's "Longer" but being denied by the producers; Archie's crazed fanbase is seeing it as more evidence that the powers that be want David Cook to win, but honestly, they probably made the right decision on that front. (Guys, go back and listen to your golden boy say "boo," and count your blessings.) And speaking of hip-hop, how about Fantasia's performance?

I kind of like this song—it sounds like a vintage Paula Abdul jam that's been tweaked into a bed for Fantasia's crazy vocals. But note Simon's reaction shot around the 2:40 mark. Dude looks absolutely flummoxed—in a somewhat familiar way:

Oh, come on, Simon— I can understand making that face at Kady Malloy's Britney impersonation, but this at least brought a little bit of fun into the deadly long results show.

Fantasia performs [RedLasso]
[50 Cent image via Fluxblog]

New Fuse Game Show To Bring Musicians And Groupies Together Through The Power Of Trivia

Maura Johnston — Wed, 14 May 2008 10:00:00 EDT

What was that discussion we were having yesterday about music videos being a profit sink for cable channels? I guess the higher-ups at Fuse, the Cablevision-run music network that's been slipping further down the "incoherent programming" slope every day, have been engaging in similar discussions in their overdecorated offices, since a casting call for a "dating game show" went out from the network earlier this week. Unlike the vapid surfer-bunny types who populate Next and Parental Control, though, Fuse is keeping it real by making this game show sort of about musicians, music trivia, and "people who love musicians" who can also name at least one member of the Beatles! (Reading the casting notice makes me think that first names only are probably OK.) Details after the jump.

As it turns out, Fuse is looking for two types of people—musicians and ~~groupies~~ "people that love musicians!"

* Can you play an instrument, sing, scratch, or rap? * Do you love all things music and are a master of music trivia? * Have you ever dreamed of dating someone who worships musicians and people with musical talent?
We are looking for ALL types of musicians! As long as you can showcase it, we want to see it!

Hopefuls have to send in "a LINK to your music, a video of you playing or singing, a freestyle, or ANYTHING that proves you have musical talent"—and I guess said "talent" has to be within FCC guidelines. (I'd make a joke about the skin flute playing coming after the cameras stop here, but... oops.)

What qualities are they looking for in musician fans, you might ask?

* Do you adore musicians and love people with musical talent? * Do you find yourself attracted to the emo-sensitive guy, or the blinged out rapper, or the pierced and tattooed metal head??! * Have you ever wanted to date one of them?
WELL, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE!

"Emo-sensitive guy"? "Blinged-out rapper"? "Metal head" as two words? I wonder if the "prize" musicians will actually be life-sized carboard cutouts of caricatures—never mind that the "fabulous prizes" will probably wind up being tickets to shows at Madison Square Garden, since Fuse's promotions department can get them for free anyway.

Fuse TV Looking For Reality Show Participants [Hoboken 411 via Buzzgrinder]

The High School Student, The Actress, Or The Bartender--Who's Going Home From "Idol" Tonight?

Maura Johnston — Wed, 14 May 2008 08:30:00 EDT

In which we try to predict whether or not Randy's dubbing Syesha "No. 3" of the final three American Idol contestants was some sort of astrological prediction written in the star-chart shirt he wore last night—or another piece of the mounting pile of evidence that the producers have been gaming the system for a David/David finale since the night Chikezie was eliminated. For anecdotal purposes, DialIdol ranks the hopefuls Cook-Archuleta-Mercado, while the top Idol-related search term on Google Trends is (ugh) "Switchfoot," at No. 57. America: It can't get enough of that post-millennial grunge! Vote after the jump.

Earlier: Last night's recap

Live-Blogging The Top 3 Showdown On "American Idol," Because I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

Maura Johnston — Tue, 13 May 2008 19:55:00 EDT

American Idol's top three contenders—Davids Archuleta and Cook, and Syesha Mercado—hold their last sing-off before next week's big sing-off tonight, and we're coming atcha live, as a band that will probably never get its Ryan Seacrest due would say! Dan Fogelberg, Switchfoot, Billy Joel, Roberta Flack, and a song from Happy Feet that maybe 0.5% of the ever-shrinking Idol audience will know after... the jump.

8:00 p.m. The three remaining contestants are being introduced as a high school student, an actress, and a bartender—not a reality show winner, a failed reality show contestant, and a bartender.

8:01 p.m. This is also the order that the three contestants will sing in tonight. It's "a pivotal moment in the lives of our three finalists"! And "the closest race our show has ever seen"!

8:02 p.m. The judges are all in black, as if this is Idol's funeral. Randy is in paisley that looks like it's a star map; Paula is in glitter; Simon is in a crewneck.

8:02 p.m. Syesha is in a long glittery dress again—a floor-length version of her Beyonce song?—while the two guys are wearing jeans.

8:03 p.m. David A. is up first, singing "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel, who should probably be on the show next season.

8:04 p.m. Paula just let loose a bunch of gibberish about why this is a good pick for David. David, of course, is excited.

8:04 p.m. String intro leads into... David singing acappella. With not many runs at all! Do you think he understands the words now that his dad isn't telling him to melisma it up?

8:05 p.m. And he's not smiling, either. Could it have been his father who was making him all cheesed out?

8:06 p.m. Randy: "You are in it to win it, baby."

8:06 p.m. Paula: "It was a pure and stunning performance."

8:07 p.m. He still looks like he's going to cry. Ooh, Simon lets loose with the "predictable"! I wonder if he's trying to beat David down. "Good... I don't think it was outstanding." This is like the teacher's pet getting a B plus.

8:08 p.m. Commercial break No. 1: A Vitamin Water ad that does not feature Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood, but LeBron James. As a defense attorney. With a plot that is completely lifted from that episode of The Brady Bunch where the guy fakes whiplash.

8:10 p.m. I always like figuring out how the songs that are used as jingles, and their singers, would do on American Idol. Oh, shit, I just remembered I have to sign up for my audition slot!

8:11 p.m. It's chaos. Ryan is impersonating Randy. Syesha is in the back of a limo. Paula's mic is off.

8:12 p.m. "Why'd you choose [Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You"] for Syesha?" "Well, I saw her perform it on that abomination that tried to compete with Idol a few years back..."

8:12 p.m. Unlike her last televised performance of this song, she is not sitting on a piano. Also, her hair is straightened, which makes her look Serious, I guess.

8:13 p.m. Noticeably Flat Note No. 1.

8:14 p.m. Randy: "That's why you're standing there No. 3." OMG HINT AT ELIMINATIONS TO COME!! MUST CREDIT IDOLATOR!!

8:15 p.m. Syesha just gave a sassy "thanks gurl!!!" to Paula's compliment on her album.

8:15 p.m. Ah, now she's playing up the Southern accent. Girl has been watching Hillary Clinton's blue-collar-region stumping for sure.

8:16 p.m. David Cook and Syesha got their song choices via iPhone text messages, while David Archuleta had his handed to him by a weirdly moustached Utahan mayor.

8:18 p.m. Simon wanted David C. to stretch himself with "The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face." It's working well so far, in a "I would change this if it came on in the car, but I can see people melting over it" sort of way.

8:18 p.m. Are they cutting to his mom? Kind of weird.

8:18 p.m. Ah, the big power-ballad finish. Some tropes of rock and roll never die.

8:19 p.m. House brought down.

8:19 p.m. Randy: "You can sing the phone book too.... but I want you to rock, baby. You're a rocker."

8:20 p.m. Paula tries to deflate Randy and Simon's collective-ego... and tells David he's the second-favorite person who's ever sung it. Uh, thanks?

8:20 p.m. Simon proclaims that he's won this round. OH GOD DAVID JUST GAVE HIS MOM A MOTHER'S DAY SHOUTOUT. Because, like the other contestants, he can't be in touch with his parents all the time, ahem.

8:22 p.m. Unless Archuleta faints onstage and Syesha finds another cleavage-baring dress, I think we're seeing the all-David finale that everyone's predicted for the past six weeks. I don't think that's premature.

8:25 p.m. The girls are going wild for David's Chris Brown pick. And he said it was a tough song to practice.

8:26 p.m. Ryan is telling David to move over to the stage, and David's confused. "Wait, what?"

8:26 p.m. Has anyone ever used the word "boo" more awkwardly?

8:27 p.m. Some obvious struggles with the lyrics—a near-muff at one point. He only really gets confident when he's deviating from the melody, which probably says something about his stage fright and its paralyzing nature. He really didn't seem confident at all on the lyrics, although I bet the judges won't say a damn thing.

8:28 p.m. Randy also didn't get the "my boo" thing, marking I think the first time we've agreed on David all season.

8:28 p.m. Paula thinks he did a great job, of course. Because he didn't pass out on stage.

8:29 p.m. Simon: "It was a little bit like a chihuahua trying to be a tiger"—Audience: BOOOO!!—"insomuch as it's not really you. I thought it was really awkward." Well, yeah. He's trying to act his age for the first time in, what, ten years or so?

8:30 p.m. Syesha is in another glittery dress. Singing "Fever." Apparently she's going to use a chair somehow.

8:31 p.m. Man, she is really playing up the Southern accent. Syesha. YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.

8:31 p.m. Her syncopation is off. As is the lighting. Will she wind up humping the chair? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

8:32 p.m. My friend Bryan, a diehard Idol watcher who just arrived: "She's kind of breasting it up."

8:33 p.m. Randy called her song choice "very interesting." But he likes it! And Paula, once again, is saying that she looks lovely. But she's surprised by her song choice, because it doesn't show her "who Syesha is as an artist."

8:33 p.m. Simon thinks that she'll regret her decision tomorrow, because she did "quite a lame cabaret performance." Well, when your version isn't even as good as Madonna's...

8:34 p.m. I'm replaying "With You" for Bryan, who got stuck in traffic on the George Washington Bridge. This is the first time he's ever seen Idol live, because he usually works night!

8:36 p.m. The dancing comes off even more kid-at-a-wedding-forced-by-his-parents on the second viewing.

8:37 p.m. "That was the worst decision ever," Bryan just told me.

8:39 p.m. Ryan is sitting spread-eagled on Syesha's chair! He looks even shorter than usual compared to David Cook on the stool.

8:40 p.m. David Cook singing Switchfoot's "Dare You To Move"—and once he kicks into the chorus I totally remember it. I wonder if this guy still buys Puddle of Mudd records?

8:41 p.m. Paula and Randy don't like it! Paula thinks his version was too short. Simon isn't crazy about the lack of melody that the track has, which, surprise, is my problem with most songs of that ilk too.

8:43 p.m. David Archuleta goes right into Dan Fogelberg. Yawn, yawn, another boring ballad.

8:44 p.m. This is the milkiest piece of white bread ever. Does America really want bad floral wallpaper as its Idol? Really, America?

8:44 p.m. Randy once again trots out the "you can sing the phone book" line. Ah, autopilot. Paula can only muster up the word "lovely." Simon, however, thinks the song is terrible, that the lyrics were so gooey and that they were more appropriate for a 90-year-old and that the producers should all fire themselves—OK I made that last part up—but that he's going to get through to the finals anyway.

8:50 p.m. Lloyd from Entourage and Justin Guarini are both in the audience. And Jeff Archuleta will be on the tour!

8:50 p.m. And now Syesha is in Happy Feet, singing one of those Beyonce-like percussive-run-filled songs that are pretty much impossible to pull off unless you're a) Beyonce and b) backed by her band.

8:51 p.m. This is not good. I feel like she's just sticking long notes in for the purposes of filler.

8:52 p.m. Well, that was fast-sexy as opposed to "Fever"'s slow-sexy, and neither of them worked.

8:52 p.m. Simon: "So it's a song about penguins."

8:53 p.m. And Paula drops the "not good enough for the finals" bomb! This is the test of Syesha's fanbase.

8:53 p.m. And Simon thinks that she peaked last week. She's done.

8:53 p.m. Bryan: "Is it really a song about penguins?" Me: "I think it's a song about filling space on a high-budget movie's soundtrack."

8:54 p.m. Bryan thinks that the week Syesha was the best was the week that she lost her voice. Oh burn! How many of us miss Carly, though? Hands?

8:57 p.m. The final performance! The guy standing next to Ryan is making a stupid "I'm totally going to be famous on YouTube" face!

8:58 p.m. I guess this is the Apocalyptica version of "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing."

8:58 p.m. This whole episode is making me miss Josiah Leming.

8:59 p.m. Strobe lights! Big notes! Ah, Syesha, it was fun while it lasted.

8:59 p.m. Whenever Randy starts a critique with "For me..." you know he's going to say he didn't like it.

9:00 p.m. Simon thinks that "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" is one of the greatest songs of all time—and that David won the night. Well, one kind of correct statement and one HORRIBLY WRONG OH MY GOD DO YOU HAVE EARS COWELL statement isn't all bad.

9:01 p.m. Nothing says "rocker," Bryan notes, like a tuxedo with a T-shirt, as opposed to a tuxedo t-shirt.

9:01 p.m. Cutting back to David Archuleta's version of "With You" is making Bryan crack up.

9:02 p.m. Oh man, and as if to underscore that they want Syesha out, they cut a montage with all flat notes. Mean producers! Not that I even want her to stick around, but come on.

9:03 p.m. Bryan and I agree that an opportunity was lost by not having David Cook sing "Dude Looks Like A Lady"—dedicated to Simon and/or Ryan.

9:07 p.m. Bobby V time. I mean, we all know what's going to happen tomorrow, right? I'm going to put a poll up but come on.

A Few "Idol" Odds & Ends

Maura Johnston — Tue, 13 May 2008 17:00:00 EDT

In preparation for tonight's American Idol liveblog—which starts at 8 ET!—here are some headlines that have crossed the transom...
• Nigel Lythgoe on the Jeff Archuleta issue: "He has been asked not to participate in the choice of music with David or be in the room when David is working out his routines that he wants to sing. He's fine to be in the studio — nothing wrong with that. We just want David to be able to be free like everybody else to get on and do what they want to do." My head is pounding from the number of lines in that statement that I need to read between. [EW]
• As if it wasn't clear enough that the producers are angling for a David-David final, their pick for Syesha Mercado tonight is Gia Farrell's "Hit Me Up." Never heard of it? Well, it was on the Happy Feet soundtrack, and it went to No. 1 in Hungary and No. 8 in Finland. But it didn't chart in the US, save for a two-week stint in the lower reaches of the Top 40 Mainstream chart. Hear it on YouTube, if you want to spoil the channel-change-inspiring surprise that the producers are clearly hoping for. [YouTube]
• Could this be the night that ratings plummet below the 20 million mark? [AP]

We Get Letters

Maura Johnston — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:25:00 EDT

From the comments queue: "Can't tell who wrote this but you really are not that smart. David Archuleta is a legend in the making. He has more charisma than you have by far and more talent in his little finger then you or any of the other contestents. He deserves to win and he's such a different calliber, it is almost infair for them to have to compete with him. Psssst! Got a secret too...it's not just tweens and Grandmas who love him! It's only the non rocker group 9 - 99. Yeah, he should win it!" There's also one from a "44 year old male, weaned on every punk,arty,new wave and hard rock band on the planet" who says David has an "honest, sensitive, humble soulfulness." Oh, watching this over the next few days is going to be fun... [Earlier]

David Archuleta Hoping To Show The World That He's The Chris Brown Of "American Idol"

Maura Johnston — Tue, 13 May 2008 10:45:00 EDT

David Archuleta (and not his father) announced today that he'd sing Chris Brown's "With You" on tonight's episode of American Idol, during which each contestant will sing three songs—a personal pick, a judge's pick, and a producers' pick. This startling foray into 21st-century music should prove something of a test for young David, if only because his previous songs have only solidified his "young Wayne Newton frozen in amber" persona. Anyway! This post is also serving as a reminder that I'll be liveblogging the East Coast feed of tonight's show, which starts at 8 p.m. ET and runs for a little longer than an hour, after which I'll toss my computer aside and eagerly flip the channel to the Bobby Valentine documentary on ESPN2. No guarantees on what happens should the Archuleta/Fogelberg pairing reduce me to a puddle of mellowed-out goo, but at the very least, any melting will likely make for good blog fodder. The full slate of already-announced songs (via MJ) after the jump.

David Cook

* Simon Cowell chose: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" by Roberta Flack
* David chose: "The World I Know" by Collective Soul
* The producers chose: undetermined

Syesha Mercado

* Randy Jackson chose: "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys
* Syesha Chose: undetermined
* The producers chose: undetermined

David Archuleta

* Paula Abdul chose: "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel
* David chose: "With You" by Chris Brown
* The producers chose: "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg

Season 7 Final 4 Spoilers! [MJ's Big Blog]

Why Jeff Archuleta's Backstage Ban Has Pretty Much Sealed The "American Idol" Title For David

Maura Johnston — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:00:00 EDT

There are lots of weird things about American Idol banning David Archuleta's father, Jeff, from rehearsal sessions—the timing (the news was released late Friday, after the three remaining Idol hopefuls had mostly completed their homecoming tours), the source of the leak (did a Fox source tell TMZ about the ban?), and the fact that the producers were citing David's "unfair advantage" of having his own musical arranger now, instead of at the beginning of the semifinals among them. But what's most frustrating about the ban is the way that it's turned the contestant at the center of it into a bulletproof entity, and how the conclusion of American Idol is even more foregone than it was when the Archuleta clan was just beginning its whirlwind tour of Utah's mall parking lots and basketball stadia. The reasons why we're going to definitely see David have his now a week from tomorrow after the jump.

If he bombs, the pity votes will come rushing in. The stress of the week, from the trip home where he broke down crying to Papagate, will probably make him even more nervous than usual, so anything that involves him not fainting onstage midway through "And So It Goes" will be seen as a victory by the Archie Angels. (Hey, the sympathy vote kept Brooke White around for an extra week.)

If he does well, it'll be the type of redemptive story that will make his fanbase exclaim, "See? He's a true artist! to anyone who'll listen. Pretty self-explanatory, I think, although I still believe that anyone who thinks he interprets his lyrics well—or at all—should get their ears checked.

If he just does semi-decently, he'll still get a ton of votes from his fans, since things like "forgetting lyrics" and "lacking charisma" haven't dissuaded them yet. Just look at the reception he got at the Utah Jazz game last week, where he sang the national anthem with the runs and melodic liberties that he's been known for:

Nice way of hitting the high note early so you got even more applause, dude.

Oh, and the show's producers have decided to have David sing a freaking Dan Fogelberg song, which should be a huge honking neon sign that they're really excited about the prospect of cash from grandma-types flowing Archuleta's way once his debut album is released. Who's psyched for November?

Ban on Archuleta's father stirs a lively "Idol" debate [USA Today]