I went to PS 112 in Astoria to vote this morning, and while the school's lobby was bake-sale-free, casting my ballot and walking to the subway put me in a good mood. The sun was shining, the air was crisp, and the promise of not being bombarded with election-related speculation was close on the horizon, at least until some idiot commentator utters the word "2012" while scrambling to fill space on whatever cable-news channel has given him airtime. Which is probably why I had Andrew WK's "Party Hard" in my head: Sure, it was barely after nine in the morning and I was on my way back to work, instead of heading out for the evening, but my heart felt right—like it was enjoying some wine, canapes, and total fucking raging. And isn't that what matters? A counterpoint party song, and a rundown of some notable stories that got lost in the Election Day shuffle, after the jump.

• The most recent Google News alert for "Jarvis Cocker" comes from a Telegraph piece on an auction benefiting the British music-therapy outfit Nordoff-Robbins: "U2 guitarist The Edge paid £15,000 for the Spitting Image puppet of Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker." [Telegraph]
• Scott Weiland's Happy In Galoshes leaked today. I tracked it down, and it took me—I am not kidding—an hour to download the damn thing once I found it. And I was only planning on spending an hour with it in the first place! [Did It Leak]
• Genesis can't dance, nor can they wean themselves from the reunion-show teat: Now they're holding out hope that Peter Gabriel will join them for one more tour of the world. [Billboard]
• The idea that Google is facing off against Dolly Parton in the battle over the wireless spectrum sure seems to contradict the company's longstanding "Don't be evil" policy, no? [NYT]
• If you work at MTV Networks, you may want to brush up your resume. [Gawker]
• Keri Hilson's album has been pushed back for the 143rd time. [Billboard]
• I showed this story on Japanese music producers being arrested on conspiracy and fraud charges to friend-of-Idolator Reed Fischer, and he replied, "Someone in this story is going to get thrown off a balcony." Or option their tale to Jet Li. [Yomiuri Daily Online]

Andrew W.K. - Party Hard [Dailymotion]
Pulp - Party Hard [YouTube]

Ketchup: Ubiquitous, generally well-liked.
Key characteristics: Universally accepted as great background music; can be played at a party frequented by many different-minded souls with minimal complaint; informal surveys of friends will reveal that most people own at least one of their "essential" albums, but rarely own their entire discography.
Sample artists: Weezer, Air, Kelly Clarkson.
When they're past their sell-by date: When they're liked by almost too many people. (Think Dave Matthews.)

Mustard: Popular in its original form, but also available in spicy variations.
Key characteristics:Masters of reinvention; have found mainstream success with one genre of music, but can’t wait to go all Dijon and become something entirely different; tend to find success in most everything they do, to the chagrin of safe-but-steady ketchup bands.
Sample artists: Damon Albarn, Ne-Yo, Justin Timberlake.
When they're past their sell-by date: When they take it one step too far and become children’s book authors.

Ranch Dressing: It's kind of gross, and did you know it has, like, 1,000 calories? Eww—wait, is that a Sam's Club-sized bottle of ranch in your fridge? Busted.
Key characteristics: The aural equivalent of a band that turns your fancy baby spinach and endive salad into a cheeseburger; few people will admit to liking them, yet singalongs to their music are commonplace; classic bands of this ilk are popular sources for ironic T-shirt wearing.
Sample artists: Ultravox, Cobra Starship, Carrie Underwood.
When they're past their sell-by date: When a snoopy friend discovers their songs in your iTunes library. (This is why I keep such acts in a secret folder known as “Hidden Valley.”)

Pesto: Are you going to buy it on your own? No. Do you enjoy it on a $20 sandwich at a restaurant? Yes.
Key characteristics: Highbrow critics swear by them; they are cited as an influence by many mainstream musicians; their sections at your local record store are accompanied by breathless two-index-card treatises on their genius; someone in the band has been rumored to be mentally unstable, resulting in long gaps between releases.
Sample artists: Scott Walker (Scott 4 through The Drift), Patti Smith, My Bloody Valentine.
When they're past their sell-by date: The inevitable reunion tour, which is risky, and could turn them into a creamier pesto… a sort of ranch, some might say.

Wish-Bone Salad Spritzers: That new spray-on salad dressing looks totally cool, and it's only 10 calories per squirt. I should try it…one day.
Key characteristics: Frequently cited as “brilliant” and “life-changing”; it’s a burden on your life that you have never tried to get into them; when dropped into a conversation, you say you’ve "heard of them but haven’t heard them."
Sample artists:Death Cab For Cutie, Bright Eyes, The Shins.
When they're past their sell-by date: When you get called out for faking affection toward them.

Newman’s Own: The critics and masses alike adored him, and he's versatile enough to have put out a whole line of his own condiments.
Ingredients: Think ketchup, but with fans that think they are the bombolina because they possess a rare combination of talent and success.
Sample artists: Radiohead, The Roots, Bjork.
When they're past their sell-by date: When they reach a little too far in trying to have it both ways, and do things like collaborate with with Timbaland. (I’m looking at you, Bjork.)

One commenter thought that Newman's Own bands should also include musicians who perform various charitable acts. But if a band or musician has become famous enough to really make a difference in the world through charity work, the possibility for backlash is inevitable. Which brings me to my final pop condiment classification.

Miracle Whip: Sure, its name makes it sound impressive. But is it really capable of anything close to a miracle?
Ingredients: Overexposure; less time devoted to music because of meetings with various world leaders about peace; incipient God complex; wire stories about "political" asides at concerts; tendencies toward writing "messages" on own skin with Sharpies.
Sample artists: Coldplay, U2, Kanye West.
When they're past their sell-by date: Miracle Whip bands have got that gooey stuff around the lid and everything, and you should probably throw them out. But they’ll stay in the fridge door of popular opinion forever.

In May 2007 the British radio station BBC6 conducted a survey of the worst lyrics in pop.

BBC6’s Top 10 Worst Lyrics (listener poll):
1. Des'ree, “Life” (Sony, 1998): “I don’t want to see a ghost/It’s the sight that I fear most/I’d rather have a piece of toast/Watch the evening news.”
2. Snap, “Rhythm Is a Dancer” (Logic/Arista, 1992): “I'm as serious as cancer/When I say rhythm is a dancer.”
3. Razorlight, “Somewhere Else” (Vertigo, 2005): “And I met a girl/She asked me my name/I told her what it was.”
4. ABC, “That Was Then But This Is Now” (Mercury, 1983): “More Sacrifices than an Aztec priest/Standing here straining at that leash/All fall down/Can't complain, mustn't grumble/Help yourself to another piece of apple crumble.”
5. U2, “Elevation” (Interscope, 2001): “I've got no self control/Been living like a mole now/Going down, excavation/High and high in the sky/You make me feel like I can fly/So high/Elevation.”
6. Toto, “Africa” (CBS, 1982): “The wild dogs cry out in the night/As they grow restless longing for some solitary company/I know that I must do what's right/Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
7. Oasis, “Champagne Supernova” (Creation, 1995): “Slowly walking down the hall/Faster than a cannonball/Where were you when we were getting high?”
8. Duran Duran, “Is There Something I Should Know?” (EMI, 1983): “And fiery demons all dance when you walk through that door/Don't say you're easy on me/You're about as easy as a nuclear war.”
9. Human League, “The Lebanon” (Virgin, 1984): “Before he leaves the camp he stops/He scans the world outside/And where there used to be some shops/Is where the snipers sometimes hide.”
10. Black Sabbath, “War Pigs” (Warner Bros., 1971): “Generals gathered in their masses/Just like witches at black masses.”

Let’s get the ugly part out of the way first: I am in full agreement with No. 10, and no, I do not love Sabbath enough to let them get away with it. I’m not a huge fan, though I certainly like a handful of songs, “War Pigs” being one of them. But I thought the line was stupid when I first heard it, and I’m glad there are still people who haven’t immunized themselves against it over the years thanks to the riff bypassing that particular area of the brain.

“War Pigs” is one of only three songs chosen here that I would have picked out any of those lines from in particular. The others are No. 7 (whose negative properties, inextricable in my mind from a lousy period of my life generally, I discussed in an earlier column about the Modern Rock Top 10 of 1996) and No. 8, which struck me as gauche even when I was in third grade. (Everyone knew nuclear war was easy—it was a matter of two men pushing buttons—that’s what was wrong with it.)

Three others, though, I knew but hadn’t really thought of in terms of lyrics, much less god-awful ones. What I mostly remember about “Rhythm Is a Dancer” is the title phrase, plus the odd “feel the passion” to give the singer more than two notes to sing. It’s not that I’m necessarily surprised the song contains the line, “I'm as serious as cancer/When I say rhythm is a dancer.” It just never jumped out at me. Likewise, the U2 line strikes me as bald description of banal euphoria: more wallpaper than painting, and not much to get worked up over. “Africa,” of course, is total dogshit, so much so I never parsed the verses (being seven when the song came out surely has something to do with this), but on paper, that is some serious D&D-playing loserdom coming out, all right. Good to know that in addition to being the top session cats of the era as well as winning the Grammy Award for Album of the Year for the album containing “Africa,” Toto’s members all aced world geography.

The rest I’d never even heard until I saw this list. I watched the videos for each, and the results were enlightening. Des’ree: she rides a car through the desert. I’d seen this list without the lyric attributions before watching the clip, but it didn’t take long to guess which one this had been nominated for: “ghost/most/toast” is pushing it even if you’re in the breeziest mood of your life. Razorlight: I didn’t know Richard Ashcroft had an understudy. Did England really miss the Verve that much? For god’s sakes, why? On paper, I must admit that, “And I met a girl/She asked me my name/I told her what it was,” is my kind of deadpan mannerist comedy, but hearing this schmoe declaim anything above all those forcefully strummed acoustic guitars buried the offending line for me.

Speaking of confessions, I’ve never heard all of The Lexicon of Love, so the follow-ups I’m even sketchier on. This lives up to Martin Fry’s explanation to Simon Reynolds in Rip It Up and Start Again that he was trying to make the ugliest music he could in response to that album, because this is one sour little pastry. And the “apple crumble” line really is the song’s core, if you will. (I apologize.) Finally, “The Lebanon” not only gets points for those awesome lines fitting perfectly within an equally awesome, er, meditation on terrorism, Phil Oakey gets double points for blueprinting the look Dave Gahan would take to the bank once he stopped cutting his hair a while. They even have the same facial expressions!

Before I open it to the wolves by asking which lyric(s) BBC6’s listeners forgot to include in this Top 10, allow me to indulge yet again my personal all-time favorite bad lyric. It’s from a tune everybody knows: “Your Song,” by Elton John. Take a bow, Bernie Taupin, for this all-time clinker: “If I was a sculptor/But then again, no.” That’s what Taupin should have said! Haw! Anyway, I’ve had my fun: now you have yours. 100 posts by Monday! Let’s do it!

Last month, the Hot 100—the big cheese of Billboard's singles charts—turned 50, and the publication's been rolling out the red carpet in honor of that golden anniversary. But today, another Billboard milestone is passing by with a little less fanfare: the 20th birthday of the Modern Rock chart. The late-'80s college rock explosion resulted in more and more commercial radio stations playing a variety of young bands and singer-songwriters that didn't quite fit into the Pink Floyd/Van Hagar-heavy format covered by the Album Rock Tracks chart (now known as Mainstream Rock) Billboard responded to that trend on Sept. 10, 1998, when it published the first Hot Modern Rock Tracks chart.

In the two decades since, the alternative rock format has exploded—in terms of both stations and listeners—and then shrunk some, all the while going through an aesthetic identity crisis seemingly every five years. I've occasionally implied that the chart may have outlived its usefulness, given the dwindling listenership and its increasing crossover with the Mainstream Rock chart. But those arguments are largely facetious, and I hope Billboard never takes my suggestion to heart. (I'd have a lot less to follow or write about.) Two months ago, the trade mag actually added a third rock singles chart, Triple-A (as in Adult Album Alternative); the music on that chart more resembles Modern Rock's jangly early days. So with Triple-A at one pole and Mainstream Rock at the other, the Modern Rock chart is now, more than ever, effectively the center of Billboard's rock charts and its most important one, which assures that it should be alive and well for as long as there's terrestrial radio data to track.

A couple years ago, former Idolator regular Anthony Miccio counted down all of the Modern Rock No. 1s on a highly entertaining blog called modernrock4eva, which I've looked at from time to time as inspiration for this column, and to remind myself of just how silly and mercurial this chart has always been. For every No. 1 that could be praised as the harbinger of a new era along the lines of "Smells Like Teen Spirit," you have a handful of novelty hits, flukes, and bizarre mid-career diversions. I have no interest in honoring the canon, so I thought I'd go through the chart's first 21 calendar years and pick one No. 1 from each: not the best song, but the one that was most likely forgotten, never heard, or be classified as a "surprising" hit:

1988: Siouxsie and the Banshees - "Peek-a-Boo"

This isn't the most obscure of the five songs that topped the chart in its first four months of existence. But it was the chart's very first No. 1, and I can think of no more auspicious a beginning for this institution than a bonkers dance-pop crossover full of backmasked accordion.

1989: Public Image Ltd. - "Disappointed"

There are some perfectly valid reasons that this band is revered by some much more than John Lydon's other, more famous band. But this backup singer-aided ball of cheese, one of PiL's last gasps before Lydon entered an endless cycle of Sex Pistols reunions, is most likely not one of them.

1990: David J - "I'll Be Your Chauffeur"

Before embarking on this column, I had no idea that being a Bauhaus alum was apparently all it took to top this chart in its early days. Love And Rockets reached No. 1 in '89, and the next year both Peter Murphy and David J reached the summit as solo artists.

1991: U2 - "The Fly"

There were more obscure No. 1's from this year, but this wins by virtue of being one of the least-known lead singles from an established band's blockbuster album ever released. It's kind of amazing, in retrospect, that U2 managed to release this song first with future Achtung Baby smashes like "One" and "Mysterious Ways" waiting in the chamber. In light of how well they got away with this gamble, it's easier to understand where they got the balls to release "Numb" and "Discotheque" as lead singles later on.

1992: Lou Reed - "What's Good"

1992 was, for many people and especially for my 10-year-old self, ground zero for the alt-rock explosion. It was also the year I became aware of the Modern Rock chart—MTV's 120 Minutes would run through the top 10 before a commercial break each week. But even as some of the decade's biggest bands were scoring their first hits, the chart was still being dominated by oldsters enjoying their final glimpses of serious rock airplay, including Peter Gabriel, The B-52's, XTC, and ol' Lou.

1993: Tears For Fears - "Break It Down Again"

It's hard to compare this song to any of the Songs From The Big Chair megahits, but this one still sounds tremendous to me.

1994: Counting Crows - "Einstein on the Beach (For an Eggman)"

Their 1993 debut August And Everything After yielded three Modern Rock top 10 hits, but the only Counting Crows song to ever top the chart was this bouncy outtake, which was tossed on the DGC Rarities compilation.

1995: Red Hot Chili Peppers - "My Friends"

I may not particularly like the many, many power ballads RHCP has recorded since reuniting with John Frusciante. But they all beat the hell out of the one they did when Dave Navarro was in the band.

1996: The Cranberries - "Salvation"

The Cranberries' metamorphosis from the winsome Irish balladeers of "Dreams" to the creepy doomsayers of "Zombie" and this peppy anti-heroin screed is one of the more fascinating transformations of the mid-'90s alt-rock era. Some of Rihanna's fashion and artistic choices of late make me wonder if Dolores O'Riordan is her spirit animal.

1997: Live - "Lakini's Juice"

Along the same lines as "Salvation," this is a fascinating instance of an overexposed band becoming somewhat interesting at the exact moment that its career took a nosedive. It's a shame Live's ensuing commercial decline was full of more pap like "The Dolphin's Cry" than riffs as fucking nasty as the one here.

1998: The Goo Goo Dolls - "Slide"

1998 was a truly dire year for Modern Rock: It began with the 15-week reign of Marcy Playground, who were succeeded by the seven-week reign of Fastball (you can probably guess the songs). Things didn't get much better from there, and I can honestly say every single one of the 11 songs that topped the chart that year holds at least one unpleasant memory for me. And while this one isn't as good as "Iris," it's still the least overplayed of these songs that I could choose.

1999: Limp Bizkit - "Re-Arranged"

Most of Limp Bizkit's fun songs shoehorned in incongrously slow, serious bridges, so it was pretty shocking that they managed to make a whole song out of one of those brooding grooves that turned out to be one of their best hits.

2000: Green Day - "Minority"

Reminding myself that Green Day had such a popular "political" song shortly before American Idiot makes me marvel at how well they succeeded at selling that album as both a comeback and a change of pace.

2001: Sum 41 - "Fat Lip"

2001 was the year that Staind, Nickelback, Linkin Park and Incubus all became power ballad superstars, but at least one band was having some goofy, sloppy fun at No. 1 (well, two, if you count those guys that covered "Smooth Criminal").

2002: Unwritten Law - "Seein' Red"

Every time I read this song's title and tried to remember what it sounded like before looking it up on YouTube, all I could think of was Chevelle's "The Red," which reached No. 4 at almost the exact same time that this song topped the chart, features a refrain of the phrase "seeing red," and has remained a much stronger radio staple in the years since.

2003: Jane's Addiction - "Just Because"

A perfunctory one-week chart-topper from a hollow, pointless reunion. And thanks to Entourage's really, really annoying theme song, it isn't even the best-known track from its parent album.

2004: The Offspring - "Hit That"

This seems to be about the point where The Offspring decided to back off from the antics of novelty hits like "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)." But before getting fully serious with their recent hit "Hammerhead," they had to wean themselves off the silly shit by making a song with farting ska horns, awkwardly deployed hip-hop slang, and a video starring an animated dog.

2005: Audioslave - "Be Yourself"

Audioslave was an ugly marriage of convenience always headed for an inevitable divorce, but this song marked one time they seemed almost convincingly compatible.

2006: The Foo Fighters - "DOA"

Even though it's just three years old, it's not even the 10th-most-played Foo Fighters song on radio now. A shame, since it's just about their only recent single that follows through on the unfulfilled promise of muscular new wave glimpsed on early singles like "This Is A Call" or "Monkey Wrench."

2007: Incubus - "Anna Molly"

"Megalomaniac" could've been their "Lakini's Juice," but instead these guys kept at it and made leaner, better hard-rock hits.

2008: Staind - "Believe"

I leave you with the current No. 1, partly to give symmetry to our journey, and partly because I hope someday soon we'll all have long forgotten that gooey Diane Warren bullshit like "believe in me, 'cause I was meant for chasing dreams" ever topped a chart that's championed much weirder, better stuff.

Maybe the feedback he got from the "leak" of four tracks from the album was not as positive as he expected? Who knows, but reading the statement the U2 frontman published on his band's official site, I think Bono may be getting ready for a future in American politics. After all, it's very diplomatic—and full of lies:

'We've hit a rich songwriting vein and we don't want to stop.' Bono has been talking to U2.Com about how the songs are shaping up for the new record and plans for 2009 to be their year.

'This is our chance for us to defy gravity once again,' explains Bono, calling in from a break in recording sessions in the south of France. 'We have what it takes, we have the songs, new rhythms and a guitar player who is not ready to re-enter earth's atmosphere until he's taken a slice of the moon!

'It's been fun, it's been maddening... there have been injuries and recoveries, no babies born that I know of, but this one is nearly ready for the new year of 2009.'

The band have been writing and recording the follow-up to 'How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb' since last year, and the feeling is that they've hit a creative groove so there are no plans to stop. Everyone, he says, is excited about where the recording is taking them.

'When we set out on this record it was Larry who came up with the plan not to have a plan.

He put up this idea that wouldn't it be great just to make music for its own sake, not for the purpose of a live show or on album but just to see what we're capable of...'

It's an idea that's paid off. Following sessions in Morocco, in Dublin and through the summer in France, the band have written 'fifty or sixty' tracks. And counting.

'We've hit a rich songwriting vein,' he explains. 'It gets a bit dark down here but looks like we've found diamonds not coal. I thought a while back we might have the album wrapped by now, but why come up above ground now if there's more priceless stuff to be found?

For now, they're keeping a promise they made to themselves when they started writing: 'We said to each other that if we got to the great place then we wouldn't stop...'

So the writing and recording continues and while they now know what shape most of the album will take, they're not leaving the studio just yet.

'We know we have to emerge soon but we also know that people don't want another U2 album unless it is our best ever album. It has to be our most innovative, our most challenging... or what's the point ?'

Sure, Bono insists that the delay is due to the band wanting to make the record freakin' awesome, but one can't help but wonder if someone in the UMG hierarchy (Doug Morris? Jermaine Dupri? Pete Wentz's dog?) heard many of these "fifty or sixty" tracks—and, most importantly, the four tracks that "leaked" earlier this summer—and, upon not hearing any U2-level hits, said "no, this record is too important to our bottom line in these times of ever-decreasing CD sales. Get your arses back in the studio and KEEP WORKING!!!"

We Want 2009 To Be Our Year [U2.com]
Next U2 Album Pushed To Early 2009 [Billboard]

OBJECTIVE
To get Bono to retire from public life (so he'll stop leading misguided counter-productive philanthropy efforts) ....and, simultaneously.... to make a huge donation to fight AIDS

MEMBER PLEDGE
We will give money to: Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria
But we will only pay if we meet our objective

THE PITCH

Bono's philanthropy efforts are self-righteous, ineffective, & counter-productive.

The RED campaign has managed to spend $40 million more on marketing that it has raised from RED product sales, while sending consumers a dangerous message.

Many involved in the global fight against AIDS worry that RED will make it harder to raise funds, and that the oversimplified & disempowered image of Africa that Bono perpetuates. , as exemplified in these incredibly condescending lyrics from the Band Aid Xmas song Bono helped create, obscures and undermines the assets African nations must focus on to defeat AIDS and poverty.

The grassroots leaders of the global fight against AIDS didn't ask for Bono to be their frontman. Its time for Bono to step down. We'll all pledge donations to the Global Fund, but no pledges are collected until Bono retires from public life. If he wants to moan bland melodies he'll have to do it quietly in his bedroom. If he want to fight AIDS he can make a direct donation instead of buying a sweatshop GAP T-shirt. As the pledges grow, Bono will have to decide what matters more, fighting AIDS effectively, or him being the movement's frontman.

Like every petition that has ever squeaked onto the Internet with a false and very inflated sense of self-importance, this will fail, not only because online petitions are inherently useless, but also because Bono is in the Oprah league of celebrity. He lives in a fortress on a private island constructed of $1000 bills and decoupaged with Vanity Fair covers. So I doubt the $595 raised in he week after the petition was launched will move him to stop leading costly aid campaigns with The Gap, or writing ill-informed charity singles. Nice try, though.

Bono: Retire From Public Life And We'll Donate A Ton Of Money To Fight AIDS [The Point]

1. Green Day

American Idiot is their biggest album since Dookie, so the boys probably aren't ready to get back in touch with their inner Gillman St. An Operation Ivy reunion, though? With Rancid now stuck with the drummer from the Used, that shit could happen tomorrow.

2. U2

On a relative scale, that post-Rattle & Hum period was a bit icky. Not that most bands today wouldn't be happy to have been in their cowboy hats.

3. Kid Rock

Oh sure, "All Summer Long" is nostalgic. But not for this.

Beyond that, I'm at a loss! Even old bands with comeback albums like Motley Crue and Def Leppard were still doing better in '89! Journey was on hiatus, but Neal Schon was still making hit ballads with Bad English! Don Henley may not have had the Eagles, but he had The End Of The Innocence! Rod Stewart could do what he wanted, and Janet could rely on the Rhythm Nation. Neil Young may be proud of Living With War, but it's not "Rockin' In The Free World." Elvis Costello had "Veronica," Paul Westerberg had "I'll Be You," Donna Summer had "This Time I Know It's For Real." Rattle & Hum was only barely a flop, but I just cannot think of an act that did worse but is doing fine now. Can you think of a veteran artist today who can say they are in a better state, commercially and artistically, than they were in 1989?

Michael Jackson Plans Comeback With New Kids On The Block [Showbiz Spy]
Green Day live @ Paint Factory 1989 prt1 [YouTube]
Siskel & Ebert review "Rattle & Hum" [YouTube]
Kid Rock - Yo Da Lin In The Valley [YouTube]

It's a weird phenomenon: We keep playing, and kids are having a great time every summer.


We've picked up a comparable following, I guess. We wanted to make sure we tour every summer, regardless of our records, because we're here to play live music. We don't want to spend a summer getting away from the people.

And soon the people will be blessed with another full-length, this one helmed by Bob "Some Kind Of Mixer" Rock!

So far, [the record is] sounding like 311, just with Bob Rock helping us get the roadmaps and the energy of the songs down, in how he's recording it. We've experimented a lot in recent years and shifted this way and that way, and with the current climate out there, with record sales, it could be a coincidence that [our sales] just went down, down, down because of the Internet, or maybe we've been too experimental. Maybe we should get back to the basics — the 311 basics.

Judging by their drum sound on songs like 2004's "First Straw," Dr. Rock sounds like the perfect fit.

In high school, I wrote a two-out-of-ten review of 311's Transistor for the teen page of my local paper, which ran the same day as their headlining show. Mark McGrath, of opening act Sugar Ray, actually called out the piece on stage, finding fault in claims like "bevy of crap," "tuneless drivel," and "Vanilla Ice performing at Disney's Tiki Tiki Room." Over ten years later, they're still playing godawful reggae-metal, and I'm still being paid to say they suck. Some things never change.

311 Are The New Grateful Dead, Drummer Chad Sexton Says Before Tour With Snoop Dogg [MTV]
311 - First Straw [YouTube]

1. The Beastie Boys
followed by...

Unwilling to repeat themselves after the left-field success of Check Your Head, the Beastie Boys wander through abortive sessions with Mix Master Mike, Lee Perry, Q-Tip, Miho Hatori, and others while promoting Tibetan Freedom Festivals, running Grand Royal, and raising families; Adam Horowitz's glitchy BS-2000 and the peculiar Country Mike's Greatest Hits make fans both curious and excited for what the group might eventually return with. Finally, after over a decade of waiting, Capitol Records and a nation of expectant stoners are blessed with... The Mix-Up.

2. Aerosmith
followed by...

Following the departure of Joe Perry during the recording of A Night In The Ruts, Steven Tyler descends further into chemical dependency, unable to complete sessions with new guitarists for several years. After his recovery from addiction in the mid-'80s, he is hesitant to return to life in the fast lane, preferring to raise his family and promote anti-drug campaigns. Finally, the original lineup returns with 1997's Nine Lives, where a new generation, unprimed by Wayne's World and Alicia Silverstone videos, is introduced to a group of decrepit transvestites screaming "Falling In Love (Is So Hard On The Knees)."

3. Grateful Dead
followed by...

Despite the success of Wake Of The Flood, things aren't the same for the Dead after the death of Ron "Pigpen" McKernan, and the band decides to abstain from the touring circuit. Attempts to hone a new sound are hindered by a series of exploding keyboardists, but the group finally returns to the limelight with 1989's Built To Last. Then another keyboardist dies, and the band says "fuck it." Meanwhile, Trey Anastasio is happily playing in a Creedence Clearwater Revival cover band in Vermont, just happy that he doesn't have to hold down a day job.

4. David Bowie
followed by...

After releasing Pin-Ups (itself The Spaghetti Incident?! of its day), Bowie grows tired of his hard-rock Ziggy Stardust shtick and fires the Spiders Of Mars. Rumors leak that the rock star is obsessed with "soul" and attempting to maintain cultural currency by working with Brian Eno (the Moby of his day), but year after year and release date after release date pass. Finally, cleaned up and ready to play ball, Bowie, joined by Peter Frampton and Charlie Sexton, returns for a massive world tour to promote his new album... Never Let Me Down.

5. Prince
followed by...

Even after his Hollywood dreams fizzled, Prince finds it impossible to follow up the monumental Purple Rain, retiring to his Minnesota home; he's rarely seen after the failed non-musical version of Graffiti Bridge. Some say that the recluse won't even answer to his name! Always up for a challenge, Clive Davis signs the artist to a one-album contract, teaming him with a variety of pop stars that had followed in his wake. He then presents the world with... Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic. The world is not impressed.

6. Bruce Springsteen
followed by...

Darkness On The Edge Of Town, while a critical hit, isn't really the sequel to Born To Run that Columbia was looking for. So for years Bruce struggles with synthesizers and drum machines, hoping to craft a surefire hit. Off the road and not meeting supermodels and back-up vocalists, Bruce lives a long, lonely life before finally releasing The Ghost Of Tom Joad, after which Columbia decides this man is no longer the future of rock and roll.

7. U2
followed by...

Torn between their desire for fame and their belief in Christian humility, the members of U2 are more than happy to finely hone their follow-up to The Unforgettable Fire with Brian Eno and Daniel Lanois. But after a decade-plus of work, it becomes clear that they've lost the script. So instead, the band looks both to the past (their original producer Steve Lillywhite) and the future (Nelle Hooper and Jackknife Lee), creating How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, which the group promotes on an '80s Flashback Tour co-headlined by Simple Minds.

8. R.E.M.
followed by...

The Green tour takes a lot out of R.E.M., with the band first attempting to create a grand follow-up with mandolins and string sections before scrapping the sessions to try and regain their rock energy. Finally, with both producer Scott Litt and Bill Berry no longer involved, the remaining trio makes an album everyone is comfortable with. An album named Around The Sun.

9. Rolling Stones
followed by...

Let It Bleed is a surprise triumph after the loss of Brian Jones, but drugs overcome the band and it isn't long before replacement Mick Taylor is gone. It won't be until after the failure of Mick Jagger's first solo album, She's The Boss, that he'll get the old band together for a new album titled Dirty Work. While they knew Mick Jagger was capable of anything, it shocked fans of the enigmatic Keith Richards, long rumored dead, to see him dancing with cartoon cats in the video for "Harlem Shuffle."

10. Stevie Wonder
followed by...

With Motown refusing to let him run his own albums, Wonder boycotts his label following the release of For Once In My Life. When Berry Gordy finally relents in the early '70s, his concerns are proven tragically valid as Wonder toils unsuccessfully to capture his "inner visions," desperately trying to create songs "in the key of life." The singer could have been forgotten—but Gene Wilder gets in touch with him in hopes that he'll create a soundtrack for The Woman In Red. America is shocked as Little Stevie Wonder returns to the limelight with "I Just Called To Say I Love You," with Rolling Stone declaring it the Least Welcome Comeback of 1984.

There is one alternate history Axl could take heart in. If Paul Simon had waited fifteen years to put out an album after Simon & Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water, Graceland would have been even more of an impressive wtf than it was at the time. But will Axl Rose's adventures in the diaspora ("Madagascar!") have the same zeitgeist as Simon's?

Hell no.

"I wanted to set the record straight on behalf of the members of U2 on comments made to the BBC by our much-loved and valued manager, Paul McGuinness, regarding Radiohead's decision to make the music of 'In Rainbows' available as a download, using the 'honesty box' idea for payment."



We agree with our manager that this is a head-scratching and worrisome time for many musicians who, unlike ourselves, are depending on royalty or publishing cheques to pay the rent (particularly songwriters). We also agree that it is disturbing to see internet service providers and technology companies profit from the so-called 'disintermediation' of the music business when so many music lovers are losing their jobs. And while there is no doubt that it's extremely difficult for a new artist to get the kind of investment on which U2 depended in the first few wobbly years of recording, we disagree with Paul's assessment of Radiohead's release as "having backfired to a certain extent." We think they were courageous and imaginative in trying to figure out some new relationship with their audience. Such imagination and courage are in short supply right now...they're a sacred talent and we feel blessed to be around at the same time."

And the potential for a co-headlining tour of stadiums (a green one, of course) is restored.

U2's Bono: 'Radiohead were courageous for 'In Rainbows' release' [NME via Hypebot]

You might be wondering, what sales failure? In Rainbows sold as many physical copies as their previous two albums and they made a boatload of Euros from their online "giveaway". Not so, says the wise Mr. McGuinness!

The manager claimed that most fans who downloaded the album did so through illegal means, despite the album being available for a nominal amount legally.

"60 to 70 percent of the people who downloaded the record stole it anyway," he told BBC 6 Music's Music Week, "even though it was available for free."

Speaking about how U2's album will be released, McGuinness said, "We will obviously work with whatever technology is available to make the release of the new record as interesting as possible.

"[But] for U2 physical sales are still an enormous part of our business and we still sell a lot of actual CDs."

The record will be the follow-up to 2004's 'How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb'.

While I don't doubt that U2's blindly devoted fanbase will snatch up enough copies of their new album to outsell Radiohead, someone might want to let Paul know that "a lot of actual CD's" in 2008 is a vastly different amount than it was back in 2004. Just ask Usher.

U2's manager: 'Radiohead's 'In Rainbows' album backfired' [NME]

"ISPs and mobile operators are the business partners of the future for the recorded music business — but they have to share the money in a way that reflects what music is doing for their business," he said. "That's true nowhere more than in China. China Mobile makes hundreds of millions of dollars each year from sales of ringtones yet pays a minuscule fraction of that to performers, producers and composers."

Yeah, why is it that bands only get a small royalty, again? What exactly is his problem with everyone but the music industry? That they're forcing labels to sign crappy deals for ringtones? Does he still think ISPs make more money the more people take up bandwidth? If he's so concerned about the artists caught between two industries who'd really like to keep all the money they could, wouldn't McGuinness be better off making a deal for U2 to dance around in a Verizon ad?

The social conscience and strident voice of Bono has influenced many a singer over the last few decades. The U2 frontman successfully melded the earnest social conscience of Bruce Springsteen with the self-glorifying pomp of European arena acts, realizing that both the Common Man and King Dick were below Jesus on the food chain. Sure there was precedent, but Sting is handicapped by his ego (and jazz bass), while Ian McCullough wanted to be a romantic poet/sex object more than the messiah. Here are ten singers who, at their best (or worst), have aspired to the Almighty's throne.

1. Chris Martin (Coldplay)

Will he fail the music industry or will the music industry fail him?

Ryan Adams: So Alive [The Late Show] [YouTube]
The Alarm - Spirit Of '76 [YouTube]
Arcade Fire - Rebellion [YouTube]
Big Country - Where the Rose is Sown [YouTube]
Coldplay - Speed Of Sound [YouTube]
Read My Mind - Killers [YouTube]
Anyone Can Play Guitar [YouTube]
Remy Zero - Save Me [YouTube]
Simple Minds - Alive And Kicking [YouTube]
Waterboys - The Whole Of The Moon [Youtube]

If the Live Nation deal does come to pass, it'll be interesting to see how U2's recording career is handled by the company; they're one of the few bands out there that can rake in the big bucks on tour and still sell a lot of records, although who knows how their album sales will fare in this year's ever-decimated retail landscape. (Madonna still sells records, but I think her recorded-music profile is nowhere near as high as U2's.) This year, according to manager Paul McGunness, U2 will release two albums: the music for the Julie Taymor-directed Spider-Man musical and a traditional rock album. If the deal does come to pass and the rumors of U2 being free from Universal Music Group's clutches are true, questions of who will be responsible for the manufacturing and distribution of Live Nation-distributed albums will have to be answered a lot more quickly than when Madonna signed on, as she still has one album to put out with her soon-to-be-former label Warner Bros.

U2 May Be Next to Leave Record Biz [Fox News]

Decrying ISPs that hold up their hands in innocence when music is downloaded via their systems, he offered a comparison.

"If you were a magazine advertising stolen cars, handling the money for stolen cars and seeing to the delivery of stolen cars, the police would soon be at your door," he said. "That's no different to an ISP, but they say they can't do anything about it. If you steal a laptop from a store or don't pay for your broadband service, you'll soon be cut off and nicked."

To great applause from the audience of music managers, McGuinness insisted that disconnection enforcement would work. "I call on ISPs to do two things. First, protect the music, and second, to make a genuine effort to share the enormous revenues. They should share their ingenuity as well as the money. We must shame them. Their snouts have been at our trough for too long."

Shame them! Put them in the stocks and pants them! Sleep with their brother and then post a note about it on Facebook! What else is left for bullies to do, after all, when brute force is out and they realize they're otherwise impotent? Good luck, Paul. Millions will undoubtedly be thrilled when they learn that their ISP wants to monitor their online activity and summarily kick them off if they note anything "suspicious." Because Americans would never just roll over and let their right to privacy be revoked so blatantly.

U2 Manager Takes Internet Providers To Task [Reuters; Photo: Getty]

The new policy was put in place after a January 2003 broadcast of the Golden Globes awards show by NBC when U2 lead singer Bono uttered the phrase "f—-—- brilliant." The FCC said the "F-word" in any context "inherently has a sexual connotation" and can trigger enforcement.

Monday's ruling favored Fox's challenge to the FCC's finding of indecency in regards to a Dec. 9, 2002, broadcast of the Billboard Music Awards in which singer Cher used the phrase "F—- 'em" and a Dec. 10, 2003, Billboard awards show in which reality show star Nicole Richie said, "Have you ever tried to get cow s—- out of a Prada purse? It's not so f—-—- simple."

Speaking of obscene, Bono's infamous remark was made when the band won a Globe for "The Hands That Built America." Did that song actually exist? It sounds like the name of PBS special.

Broadcasters Win FCC Expletive Dispute [AP]

[Credit: Getty Images]

Ironically, the quality of the 3-D picture in "U2 3D" may reveal a whole new set of challenges for cinema owners, warned sound maven Michael Leader, prexy of Leader Cinema. "Cinema sound systems are not up to what we just experienced," Leader told Daily Variety after the "U2 3D" preview.

He said that current theater sound systems don't even play back all of what's on typical movie soundtracks, especially in the bass, and don't have anything close to the dynamic range needed to properly play rock-concert films. "You need a Formula One racing engine in your sound system to do this," Leader said.

Pumping up the volume on the bass would also exacerbate problems with sound leaking between theaters in multiplexes, he said.

All M/A/R/R/S jokes aside, better sound systems could be a boon to the music industry, which for the last few years has been making some on-the-side cash by exhibiting concerts from the likes of Prince, Green Day, and Bon Jovi; if more movie theaters decide to upgrade, then there will be plenty of screens available to exhibit Rod Stewart and his latest assortment of jukebox warbles.

ShoWest gets peek at 'U2' [Variety]

Now that he's conquered the worlds of screenwriting and papal fashion, Bono is getting into the glossy-magazine game, volunteering to serve as guest editor of Vanity Fair's July issue:

"We need to get better at storytelling," Bono said, sitting in the 22nd floor of the office of Graydon Carter, the editor of Vanity Fair. "Bill Gates tells me this all the time. We've got to get better at telling the success stories of Africa in addition to the horror stories. And this magazine tells great stories"...

Mr. Carter frankly said that he hopes a co-mingling of brands will help sell a tough subject. "We plan on making this an event with more separate cover treatments than the magazine has ever had."

"I wanted him to change the title and call it 'Fair Vanity,' " Bono said. "He said he'd do that just as soon as I change the band's name to 2U."

Mr. Carter said, "Bono really does see the world through rose-tinted glasses."

Funny! And, more importantly, true. We look forward to Bono's first story-pitch meeting, during which he tries to sell the staff on such ideas as "Wok On: The Ten Best Chinese Restaurants in the World"; a Christopher Hitchens-penned take-down of Chris Martin; and a 15,000-word "From the Editor" letter that must be read with "Bullet The Blue Sky" playing in the background.

UPDATE: Let's hope Bono is getting at least $3 a word; according to Advertising Age, his Red campaign isn't doing so well.

Citizen Bono Brings Africa to Idle Rich [NY Times]

Last June, with the Irish tax break [for artists] about to shrink, U2 heeded the advice of its longtime business manager, Paul McGuinness, and moved its most lucrative asset — a song-publishing catalog with hits like "Where the Streets Have No Name" and "It's A Beautiful Day" — from Mr. McGuinness's firm, located near the Liffey River in Dublin, to Promogroup, which operates beside the elegant Herengracht canal in the heart of elegant, old Amsterdam...

"Ethically in my opinion, Bono's tax arrangements are entirely inconsistent with his calls upon government to support anti-poverty drives," said Richard Murphy, who runs Tax Research LLC, a research institute based in Norfolk, England, and was one of three co-authors of the SOMO report on Dutch tax shelters. "You cannot be demanding that resources be allocated to anti-poverty drives and then deny those resources to government."

Other tax experts say that such views are overly prim and that rock stars are simply following the leads of some of the world's biggest companies. U2 and the Stones "are taking advantage of this in the same way that all the drug companies are putting all their patents in favorable tax jurisdictions," said Prof. Michael J. Graetz of Yale, an authority on tax shelters and a self-described die-hard Rolling Stones fan. "I wouldn't go so far as to say it's fair, but it's not shocking either."

We're sure Bono will cringe at that last quote—nothing hurts your cool-guy cred more than being compared to a Pfizer CEO—but don't expect him to pull out of Amsterdam anytime soon: As much as those limousine-liberal accusations may sting, not even Gandhi himself would turn down the opportunity to make a few extra pennies on those Zooropa baby-tees.

The Netherlands, the New Tax Shelter Hot Spot [NY Times]

U2's "Achtung Baby" tour condom (199?)
NICKNAME: The BoNO
PROS: Sold during the band's early-'90s Zoo TV jaunts, and guaranteed to last for the duration of one of Bono's mid-song "Bullet The Blue Sky" speeches.
CONS: Who's gonna ride your wild horses when you're using a 15-year-old rubber?

Madonna condom (2001)
NICKNAME: Papa Don't Breach
PROS: These unauthorized imports feature images from Madge's infamous mid-'80s nude-photo sessions.
CONS: A disappointed Danny Aiello will glower at you from the room next door if you use them incorrectly.

Kiss Kondoms (2002)
NICKNAME: The Love Gun
PROS: Combines the thrill of schlocky merchandising tie-ins with the forced comedy of strained alliterations.
CONS: Every 100th condom shipped arrives at your door attached to Gene Simmons.

The clip for U2's "Window In The Skies"—a.k.a. "Coldplay In The Chorus"—strings together archival footage of pop stars like the Beatles, Frank Sinatra, and Elvis Presley, sometimes matching their performance with the song. It's like an issue of Uncut come to life, and a reminder that no matter how many MySpacers and FaceBookers may be infiltrating the zeitgeist, the boomers will never stop with their history-reminding nostalgia trips. We get it, sixtysomethings: Your music was better, your drugs were stronger, your politicians were hotter. Now could you please shut the hell up and go back to greedily dismantling our social-security system?

U2 - Window In The Skies [YouTube]

-Mariah Carey is worried that someone will confuse her with a press-needy porn star. How could anyone possibly make that connection? [NME]
- Two surviving members of Sublime have filed a complaint against a Sublime tribute band, claiming trademark infringement, unfair competition, and a complete lack of chill-out vibes. [Pollstar]
- U2's Vertigo tour—which ended this weekend in Hawaii—is expected to earn somewhere around $337 million. But all the money in the world won't allow Bono to forget about his beloved hat. [Billboard]

Perhaps spurred on by an aghast Bono, Universal Music Group is claiming that Bank of America committed copyright violations when two employees, Ethan Chandler and Jim Debois, performed their synergy-praising cover of "One" that made the Internet rounds last week. The legal assault even stretched to Stereogum's comment section, where a misspelling-filled cease-and-desist letter was posted on Tuesday:

As a courtesy to you and, in order to put Sterorgum.com on notice, I am attaching the text of a cease and desist letter sent to Bank of America's legal counsel. Universal is aware that you are contributing to the infringement of U2's Composition entitled "One" by, among other things, providing access to the unauthorized video on your website. Universal is also aware that you are the owner, registrant, administrative contact and technical contact of Stereogram.com. ...

Please be advised that, if the unauthorized video is not removed from your website immediately, Universal shall seek any and all available legal relief against the owner(s)/registrant(s) of Stereogum.com.

The first comment following this note, perhaps unsurprisingly, called the lawyer a "jerkoff," and other Stereogum readers debated whether or not the take on "One" fell within the boundaries of fair use; a YouTube-hosted version of the clip remains embedded in the post. Bank of America isn't commenting, save a denial that the video's leak was part of a marketing ploy; Chandler used the Times piece about the kerfuffle to let readers know that he's been singing for a long time. Really, we're just waiting for the cease-and-desist letters to start flying between Universal's legal counsel, Bono, and David Cross.

Lyrics Celebrating Bank Merger Impress Only Copyright Lawyer [NYT]

After a mildly intense court battle—one that was followed closely by those in the Irish haberdashery industry—a court has ordered U2's former stylist to return several articles of clothing from the group's 1987 tour, including Bono's famed Stetson hat (not pictured). The stylist, Lola Cashman, claimed the items were a gift from the band; U2 claims otherwise, but considering the circumstances in which Cashman came into posession of the clothes, we're guessing their memory is a bit fuzzy:

During the appeal hearing, she claimed Bono was running around in his underwear backstage at the Sun Devil Stadium in Arizona on the last night of the tour when she asked him for the hat. The court was told he "plonked" it on her head...

U2 had been fighting with Ms Cashman over the ownership of a Stetson hat, a pair of metal hooped earrings, a green sweatshirt and a pair of black trousers.

After the verdict, said items were immediately boxed up and returned to their actual original owner.

U2 win battle against ex-stylist [BBC News]

We were expecting the worst—read: more