5. Metrotone, The Less You Have, The More You Are. A not-little-enough bit of undergraduate pretension that may inadvertently explain why I kept running into this album in used bins all over the place.

4. Sukpatch, Haulin' Grass And Smokin' Ass. Lovely album, pity about the name. Also, how has Snoop Dogg not repurposed this title for his own purposes yet?

3. Robbie Williams, The Ego Has Landed. The self-deprecation might have worked a little better if a) the title was half as witty as that bestowed upon Butch Walker's Left Of Self-Centered; b) Ego hadn't actually crash-landed on American shores.

2. Extreme, Extreme III Sides To Every Story. It's always the albums with the roman numeral for "three" in the title that trip up Gary Cherone, isn't it?

1. Electric Boys, Funk-O-Metal Carpet Ride. Try saying that album title with a straight face. I can't and I've owned the album for nineteen years. That said, any excuse to post "All Lips 'N Hips" is OK by me.

The perils of the pretentious album title [Guardian]

According to Inside Radio, executives from seven companies will hit the road to meet with advertisers across the country to let them know terrestrial radio is a viable media option in the months to come.

Emmis CEO Jeff Smulyan says they'll deliver the message that radio is still "vibrant" and its reach has declined just 3% in the past decade. A Radio 2020 goal is to get manufacturers to include a radio on every mobile phone, PDA and MP3 player within five years.

Hey, only a 3% decline? If you picked a different sector of the industry, Jeff Smulyan, you'd be up for a big raise. Either way, is there anyone who's asking for a radio in their iPhone 2.0? I can't think of a single moment where I've thought "All this music I've selected for myself from an nearly endless well of online options isn't quite enough for me...I'd really like to listen to the nu-metal revival going on on my local alternative rock station right now." But maybe that's just me.

Radio goes on offense. [Inside Radio]

Most of the press release about the upcoming Invaluable Darkness is the standard stuff... Dimmu Borgir is touring, the tour is sponsored by Cocaine energy drink, it'll be broadcast on the Internet, etc. etc. But then, there's this magical paragraph:

"Many Cocaine fans are also big music fans, so Cocaine joining this tour was a no-brainer," said Raymond Herrera-Partner and world wide marketing director of Redux Beverages. "We like to get out face-to-face with Cocaine fans, so this is another of many concerts you can expect to see Cocaine sponsor and support."

Raymond Herrera, you've just made my day. You could have chosen to take the high road, and avoid the number of tasteless puns your drink's name inspires, but no, you had the courage to go right for the joke we were all waiting for, and I thank you. I won't be attending the tour, or drinking your beverage, but I hope this post is some thanks for you the joy you brought me today.

Redux and Cocaine Energy Drink To Sponsor The Invaluable Darkness Tour Part 2 [The Gauntlet]

Like the rich, music journalists are different. Crucially, we hear music differently. Obviously, we shouldn't. In an ideal world, music critics would be a simple conduit between great music and the wider public.

I can tell you from experience that this is the only way music journalists are like the rich. But this sentence reveals the secret subtext of these sorts of articles: "Music critics are snobs, but the public are sheep." Even if the stated thesis is "Why do we let critics be critics if they're just going to pick not-fun stuff like Captain Beefheart?"^*, there's no way this guy isn't also saying that the public are tools when he aligns them with Meat Loaf and the Eagles.

Even if you admire the artistic intent behind Metal Machine Music, would you really want to listen to it?

Dude, I'm pretty sure 80 percent of the music critics that pitch me on Moldy Peaches records are not doing a Lester Bangs, chillin' on Metal Machine Music, gulping cough syrup and Adderall. I'm lucky if I can find someone to write about High Places half the time.

The piece is accompanied by this list:

CRITICS' FAVOURITES THAT THE PUBLIC HATES
1 Captain Beefheart, Trout Mask Replica
2 The Fall, Hex Enduction Hour
3 Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Tender Prey
4 The Flying Burrito Brothers, The Gilded Palace of Sin
5 Robert Wyatt, Dondestan
6 Ron Sexsmith, Other Songs
7 Lou Reed, Metal Machine Music
8 Dexy's Midnight Runners, Don't Stand Me Down
9 Palace Music, Viva Last Blues
10 Scott Walker, Tilt
11 Guided by Voices, Bee Thousand
12 Slint, Spiderland
13 Aimee Mann, Whatever
14 Randy Newman, Sail Away
15 Brendan Benson, Alternative to Love
16 Cardinal, Cardinal
17 Van Morrison, Astral Weeks
18 Love, Forever Changes
19 Big Star, Radio City
20 Vic Chesnutt, Is the Actor Happy?

Yeah, my mom can't shut up about how much she hates Slint. Also, who wants to take any pointers about music from a country that considers Dexy's Midnight Runners a "critic's favourite"—and spells it with a "u"? That's number one in my list of critically acclaimed vowels that America hates!

Music critics love albums that the public hates [Times of London]

^* Very topical reference, BTW!

As far as I know, apparently he received some nice speakers from an acquaintance, which reminded him of a Laura Nyro show, and girls he once dated? I have no idea... you try to figure it out.

Funny thing about this Internet, you end up hearing from everybody you've ever known. Long after the people in your life have faded from three dimensions into two, you see their names in your inbox. Like they ambled down the hall and stopped in your dorm room to ask you a question. I used to think only the records followed me through this life. But I've learned the people you listened to them with are still there, waiting to come back to life, to tell you the way it was. Stunningly, they haven't changed, and neither have you. And the records, they're literally the same.

In the last five days I've heard from two friends from college. One of whom was hanging in the ether for fifteen years, our relationship having lapsed for that long. He read my piece about the Stevie Winwood track somewhere online, he wanted to give me his take on the show at Madison Square Garden. He'd traveled down from Boston to see it. You see, that's what we have in common, the music. That's what I have in common with you.

We broke the shrinkwrap and dropped the needle on fragile black records. But what came out of the speakers was full-bodied. The sound blew into the room and enveloped us. We had to go to the show to get closer to these people. They didn't wear head-set mics, they didn't dance, they were positively human. They displayed anxiety, self-consciousness and bravura. We felt if only we could know them, our lives would work. Admit it, that's why you got into this business. Sure, there was the supposed glamour and financial reward, but you wanted to get closer to the artists, you wanted to know them, you wanted to be there when the spark caught fire.

Lefsetz ruins my one theory behind the genesis of this missive later on when he states "I gave up the herb decades ago," because that's the only premise behind which any of this would make sense at all. There's something about not wanting to hear your unsigned band (a sentiment I can largely understand) and something else about visiting Web sites for towns in Connecticut, but someone should really check Lefsetz's combination of meds. Something might not be quite right. Even a Jackson Browne disc can't do that sort of damage to someone's mental stability.

Something Fine [Lefsetz Letter]

On how the record industry has failed
"This business has never had a relationship with its customer."

On stoking hopefuls' needs
"It's not hard to get a record deal. The heat has to come with it. It has to be really, really good ... or someone has to believe it's really, really good."

On the present-day nature of the business
"The reason why music is in trouble on the Internet is 'cause it's the best app, 'cause it flows through that thing like water."

On the future of the business
"Whatever it is, there'll be someone to organize it and put it together, and it'll be called a record company."

On staying current with his label's priorities
"Four million people watched Soulja Boy." (NB: The official "Crank That" video currently has 32 million-plus views.)

On who should take the blame when an album flops
"The hardest thing for any artist to do is look in the mirror and say [the reason for the album flopping] was me.... Everybody wants to be Shaggy and say, 'It wasn't me.' .... 'My album was great, it wasn't me, it was that building.'"

On why albums do flop
"A lot of times, the music's stupid."

On the soul-crushing sameness of present-day rock radio
"If you put on alternative radio, the guitars sound exactly the same ... a lot of people blame the record companies for that, but it's not the record companies. It's got to do with the lack of imagination that we're going through right now in certain areas of music, and kids think they're supposed to copy things on television, or on the Internet."

On that note, the current musicians who Iovine thinks are geniuses
Pharrell, Timbaland, Dr. Dre, Akon, and the "still not on the Billboard 200 despite everyone else getting a Grammy bump" will.i.am. (So wait, is it always the music that's stupid, then?)

Interview: Jimmy Iovine [Crazed Hits via The Velvet Rope]

Im sure its difficult to sit on the bench while us folks play in the big game. Your a failed musician with a big mouth.

You try to make a name for yourself with half ass opinions based on everyone who is actually trying to do something in music. Yet you do NOTHING but talk. See you on the streets you punk ass mother fucker!!!

Kid Rock

On the streets? Well, Waffle House parking lots are paved, so I guess they kind of count. But wait, there's more, because it's the Internet!

From: Bob Lefsetz
Subject: Re:
Date: November 8, 2007 4:14:03 PM PST
To: kidrock@_________
Cc: Billy Ritchie, Ross Schilling, Ken Levitan, Livia Tortella, Lyor Cohen, Rick Roskin, Rick Rubin, Ian Rogers

Oh lighten up Bob.

Don't you remember me singing your praises during the "Devil Without A Cause" days?

Yeah, you spend time in Nashville. Recorded your album at Bluebird...

But, are you a rocker or a country act? I'm against people from other genres stunting on these TV awards shows. If you'd come out and sung a country song, if your music had been moving up the country chart...I would have said something different. But, this just looked like a promotional appearance.

I applaud your irreverence. Just didn't wholly work here.

But isn't it interesting that you're so irreverent, and then I am and you've got a thin skin!

I was surprised that your record did as well as it has. Good for you.

And don't worry, your peeps are looking out for you. I got e-mail excoriating me, defending you...

But if you're in the spotlight, if you're in the public eye, you've got to take criticism with a grain of salt. It goes with the territory.

As for being a failed musician... Never. Maybe a failed competition freestyle skier!

Good for you for canning Punch! Now embrace new technology.

Keep bonding with your fan base.

Your buddy,
Bob

That thin-skinned line is pretty classic. (Perhaps Kid is just grooming himself to become the next Bill O'Reilly once the music business finally hits the shitter for good.) Now, do you notice the cc's in Lefsetz's e-mail? As it turns out, they weren't put in there by the cranky ol' coot—they were instead inserted by the Kid himself. Lyor Cohen and Rick Rubin. Do you think they get cc'd on these sorts of things a lot?

Anyway, Kid wrote back!

From: kidrock@_________
Subject: Re: lighten up! Haha
Date: November 8, 2007 4:55:12 PM PST
To: Bob Lefsetz
Cc: Billy Ritchie, Ross Schilling, Ken Levitan, Livia Tortella, Lyor Cohen, Rick Roskin, Rick Rubin, Ian Rogers

Stunting? I had a fucking ball last night while you were typing emails. You got a big mouth and no weight to back it up. you can mother fuck me all day long, but i will see you one day, and when i do it will be fun to watch you bitch up! ....ohh and last time i checked it makes perfect sense to make promotional appearances asshole. And i didnt can punch, dickhead, he is one of the greatest managers of all time. I also didnt record my album at bluebird, i did overdubs at "blackbird"....your last email shows just how inaccurate your facts are. Cant wait to watch you bitch up!

Kid Rock

Ooh, a fact-checking cuz and a hater of bloggers. This guy sounds like my dream reader! (Hi Kid, if you're reading this! Drop me a line, we can go out for hash browns!)

From: Bob Lefsetz
Subject: Re: lighten up! Haha
Date: November 8, 2007 5:02:25 PM PST
To: kidrock@_________
Cc: Billy Ritchie, Ross Schilling, Ken Levitan, Livia Tortella, Lyor Cohen, Rick Roskin, Rick Rubin, Ian Rogers

Mea culpa. Blackbird.

As for the truth re Punch, I'll never know for sure. But he hurt your career more than he helped it. You had your biggest hit BEFORE he came on board.

As for the attitude... For a guy with such intelligent rhymes, I'm stunned that all you can come up wth here is drivel about me "bitching up".

Hey, I give you credit for making it. As AC/DC sang, it's a long way to the top if you wanna rock and roll... But, I'm stunned that you're evidencing the behavior of the street as opposed to the millionaire you are.

And your new album STILL isn't on iTunes. Even Metallica and Zeppelin have made deals. The thinking here?

Come on, let's not get physical, let's use our brains.

Your friend, if you'd only be open about it...

Bob

Kid Rock's rhymes "intelligent"? Bob, you can be his friend, but honesty is usually valued among friends. Just saying. And Kid wasn't having any of that nicey-talking anyway!

From: kidrock@_________
Subject: Re: lighten up! Haha
Date: November 8, 2007 5:37:57 PM PST
To: Bob Lefsetz
Cc: Billy Ritchie, Ross Schilling, Ken Levitan, Livia Tortella, Lyor Cohen, Rick Roskin, Rick Rubin, Ian Rogers

You went from "fuck kid rock" to lets be friends pretty fucking quick bitch boy!

Kid Rock

Ah, that classic Kid Rock wit. Somehow, a punch seems like it would have been a lot more eloquent here.

The Lefsetz Letter [Wordpress]

Although, since this interview is for The Advocate, I have to ask about your recent comments to the British magazine NME where you blamed gay men for perpetuating the "size zero." What kind of reaction did you get to that?



I got a little bit of a reaction. Although I think what's so funny to me — not "funny ha ha," but "funny strange" is that comment was paraphrased to the max. I know that in America not that many people are familiar with the NME, but everyone in Britain knows that the NME is the enemy. There's a reason why it's called "the N-M-E."



Its coverage is known to be sensationalistic.



Absolutely sensationalistic. Absolutely known for paraphrasing. What I said - and you can still disagree - it was in a list of things that I thought could be blamed [for the size zero] before women were blamed. Like I said, I'm a radical feminist, and first and foremost, I'm a woman. That's something I'm perceived as by the whole world, and I get the options handed down to me that are handed down because I'm a woman. I didn't create those standards that I'm supposed to adhere to — those were created for me, and it started before I was born.



That being said, it was a list of things, and half of the list was left out. I mean, one of the things I said which was a very specific thing was gay men in the fashion industry are responsible, not gay men as a whole. But I think it was good, at least, because it got people talking about shit. I don't blame any one thing, and I would never say "Gay men are to blame for the size zero." That's absolute bullshit, there's lots of things to blame.

Well it's nice to know she's now only blaming a miniscule cross-section of gay men, rather than simply blasting the fashion industry as a whole, for fostering fucked-up body issues. Progress! While I have no doubt that Beth likely was misrepresented by the hacks at the NME, and while I'm sure not all gay men in the fashion industry have womens' best interests at heart, it still feels like an oddly absolutist stance. At least she's not trying to pretend she never said anything of the sort, no sir. Right?

But if the NME is so known for paraphrasing, misquoting, taking things out of context, and otherwise mangling words for their own "sensationalistic" ends, didn't Ditto feel any qualms about helping them pander so darn sensationalistically with a nudie cover and an interview that she had to know, based on the above comments, would be manipulated and misrepresented? Or did she only decide/realize the NME was a buncha big meanies after the Internet blowback? Or is she just an attention whore? (I know my pick.) I'm also pretty sure my honorary vagina shriveled up and fell off when I read someone who rolls around with Perez Hilton repeatedly referring to herself as a "radical queer" with (presumably) a straight face. (No pun intended.) Oh the immigrant-raping/devil-cock quote was a paraphrase, but I was totally only saying what she really meant.

Beth Ditto [The Advocate via Gigwise]

For those of you keeping score at home, that's 10 spots below Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" (15,000 tracks sold, 773,000 to date), and 34 slots ahead of Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch," which sold 8,200 tracks this week, 50% of which were no doubt immediately put on CD-Rs used at strip clubs. (If you have sales figures for AC/DC's albums, drop a line; now I'm even more curious to see how many people are willing to jump through all those hoops just to have a digital copy of "Back In Black.")